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leaving my drug addict husband
The original post was in 2006! If you are having the same difficulties as the original post, start your own~ then we can help.
1 is too many, 1000 is never enough
This response is mostly to Gypsychic. I lived the same hell you're talking about for years. He hid his oxy use for several years & I just about lost my mind knowing something was wrong & he would adamantly deny it. Those were in the first stages. Eventually I had to kick him out. His drug use got worse. He had a run in with the law like most all of the opiate addicts do. Then I remember another phase of him using methadone, drinking so much later he would reek of old beer smell (this was when he was trying to kick the opiates I guess), umm...him still using percocets. Anyway---I guess I was waiting for him to get clean. I wasted too many years of my life & too much of my love. My advice---RUN!! Run before you waste your years & your love on the impossible. He is now as clean as he has ever been (I guess) and we still cannot get it back together. I kept waiting for some huge, monumental apology or life changing revelation. NOTHING! He does not want to be reminded of his addiction. I believe I am a reminder of his failure by being someone he let down or having been around his horrible times. I just went thru a horrible time with my son & do you think he stuck around for me?? After all of the horrible, heartbreaking years I put up with his stinking drug addiction, you'd think he would have stuck by me... NO--instead, when I had finally hit an emotional bottom - he was out with someone else & was involved with someone before he even told me. And here's the kicker: His old boss who was the first person to give him an oxy & used it to control him for years on end---well, this new person he's involved with is the old boss's SISTER. You know what my piece of sh** ex-fiancee told me about her??....She's nice, she doesn't do drugs or even smoke, she's only been with two men in her life, she's a good mother (WTF?? I didn't want to hear this sh**), etc. etc. while he threw it in my face that my sons are having problems. My sons are having the same problems that he had!! I've never done the sh** myself---so....not only do I have to hear this sh** but it's got me reeling that he turned everything on me & is telling me he's a "new man", etc. etc. I'm telling you---after everything I've been thru for years---those statements coming from him just about destroyed me. I have been just about having an emotional breakdown. I can't tell you how frustrating it is that this drug addict, manipulating back-stabbing liar just threw everything back in my face & is re-writing his own history!!! They will never take accountability for anything they've done. Just remember that. My ex has always smeared me & weasled out of things to make himself look terrifice. And guess what?? He's managed to make himself happy & come out smelling like roses while I've been destroyed & barely hanging in there. So RUN---do not love an addict---they will destroy you!!
I feel the same way. They turn everything around. Hang in, you know the truth.
I feel for you
I understand more than you know and I feel your pain. I thought it was all behind me when my husband had to quit drinking, only to go on to methadone. And now he's mixing that with sleeping pills. I'm at my witts end too.
Only you know what's best for you but I'm going to try to get mine into a rehab center. Tall Order. But I hold all the cards if you know what I mean. I'm a good listener.
It's amazing how peoples stories coincide. My twins father wouldnt get clean when they were born, so I left. In retrospect, I know I was being selfish because I was afraid to slip myself. Now, my kids barely have a father, still. We're just sort of estranged, I guess. My point is, please weigh all your options prior to making a decision. I hate to see a marriage dissolve, but if he is no longer the man you married, then maybe it's for the best. I also know, for a fact, that addiction is a disease, and people who are sick with it (including myself), need HELP. There are nar-non and al-anon meetings in some cities, and they may be able to help you, as well as the wonderful people on this forum. I was a member of NA for 3 years, and honestly, if this wasnt such a small town w nosey people, I would go back. The NN and AlAnon meetings Im telling you about are for people in relationships with addicts and alcoholics.
Either way, stick around.. People are amazing here, as far as I can see..
Ill be posting, so hit me up, if I can help..
I want to provide my experience from the other side - maybe my experience can benefit some. I was abusing painkillers on a daily basis, and like most, I kept it a secret from my wife of 12 years. But she found out that I was going to multiple doctors. The betrayal of me cheating on her with painkillers (now I see is how she saw it) damaged our relationship very badly. She started to threaten to leave me.
I finally got the help I needed, and I went to an outpatient program 3 nights a week and meetings 6 days a week. I was clean for 6 months, and I genuinely changed on the inside. I knew this because I worked the steps, and I realized that most of what I thought was "right" was actuall as$-backwards. You know exactly what I'm talking about, I'm sure. I was trying my best, but she didn't seem to forgive me, and I don't believe she really thought I was clean or that maybe she thought I would relapse for sure... I don't know. But, one day I came home from work, and half of the belongings in the house were gone, my kids were gone, and the dog was gone. This was without warning, and there was no history of any abuse on my part - yet, she chose to leave this way. Later that night, I got divorce papers dropped into my hands on my driveway by a 17 yr old kid. I was crushed. She had an attorney, and I got one - when we met with our attorneys, she said she wouldn't consider counseling and it was over for sure. So, at that point I went into acceptace that it was over, and I began grieving for the end of life as I knew it. It was very difficult to say the least.
It is now 5 years later, and I am happily remarried, and I am more than 5 years clean. Looking back on it, I understand the damage I caused. Maybe it was too the point where she couldn't forgive me and trust me no matter how much I had changed. I could have become St. Peter, and she probably still would have divorced me. LOL I take responsiblity for my part in the divorce, and I try my best to be a much better ex-husband than I was a husband. I'm not trying to say that leaving your loved one because they are using is bad at all. In fact, I 100% condone hard-love. I know in my situation the treat of her leaving me did get me to seek help, so if there is a point you can take out of my story that would be it. Her tough love did work with me, but there is no garantee it will work. However, doing the same thing and letting the addict continue with the same behaviors definitely does not work. In fact, it does the opposite, and you just become an enabler. Enabler is an overused word, but I encourage you to really think about that word (not as a buzz word) because almost every addict has one, or they would often not be able to continue using. If you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
I hope that helps someone out there.
There is ALWAYS hope
CH, I understand what your x-wife felt. I feel it with my daughter. So many times we hear we have changed, after a while we don't believe. It was best that you started off another relationship with trust and love. You are probably a better father for it too. You have come a long way and are very insightful. Thank you for sharing your story.
I feel for you and have read your post as though it is my own. I don't know if I should leave my husband either or if I am enabling him by staying and trying to keep things normal. It is amazing what we will do to try to keep our families together but am doubting it is worth it when someone so messed up can influence our babies. My son is 6 months old and I waited until I was older to marry and have him so that I would not be a single Mom. Oxi's are the devil. My husband was an amazing man before this got him. Everyone is in shock that he of all people could be taken by such a drug I feel for you and hope to hear how your situation works out. I am lost in this hell with you...please know you are not alone.
I just left my boyfriend a few days ago. A few weeks after dating I found out he was using Xanax. I knew he was a recovered alcoholic but being niece I didn't realize what that entailed with the drug side of things so I stayed with him. Within two months he was using hard and was snorting coke to top it off. Once it got to that I threatened to leave. He actually got off everything cold turkey that night ( not a recommended way to do so but at least it worked). It was the worst two months of my life, watching him go through withdraw and I stayed by his side 24/7 even driving him to work. That was about 8 months ago. However, after three or four wonderful months of falling completely in love he started getting remote and turning to work as a destraction. I assume this is when he started using again and I should mention that he is also a workaholic in every sence of the word. I felt alone, neglected, and mostly I felt that it was my fault. We fought all the time and by this point I had moved in with him and I felt completely at a loss. 6 days ago I was in a terrible car accedent that left me with a concussion and a messed up back. I couldn't stand or walk for four days (and I'm still recovering). At this point he called my parents to pick me up at his house because he didn't have time to deal with my injuries. Within 24 painful hours I had moved all my stuff out of his house only then realizing that my prescription pain meds and muscle relaxers for my accedent were missing. Everything sort of "clicked" then. I am lucky that I got out now after seeing how common this story is and I hope I can stay strong and not go back to him, because despite all of it I still love him.
Managirl, AI-Anon is an appropriate place for you to go for help and support. As is Nar-Anon. I plan to go myself both for the support and to help anyone else who has had to suffer the pain of loving an addict.
Get out now. run..
I can't believe this. I'm 57 years old. have been with my man for 25 years. we were in love. he quit drinking and drugging 22 years ago. 5 years ago the VA prescribed oxy's for his pain. we saw other people get hooked on them, bloat up, get nasty and die. either overdose or suicide.He promised...Well. he'd started snorting them. The rest is history. Don't wait. Run. this is >>>>>>. They are monsters now. He put his hands on me. He called the police. He is so far gone, he thought they would believe him and arrest me. He's smoking them now. His friends are shooting them,
I'm too old for all this. I have a restraining order and he filed for a divorce.
No matter how much i begged, screamed and prayed, they can't stop without wanting to. and then they need help. I'm in pasco, florida, the nations leading county for drug overdoses. And the biggest supplier. God help us all.
Yeah, well, Coming Home. Good for you. (w/sarcasm). I can't help it. But I have never been this bitter in my life. I'm sure your ex-wife feels that way. So now you're selfishly happy? Yeah--I guess after oxy & my ex destroyed my dreams & impending marriage to him & living happily ever after with this person I loved - he's happy again now, too, with someone else. Probably drug free & nice as pie to HER. Behaving himself, not doing opiates, etc etc. How in the hell am I supposed to feel about that?? I've never dealt with any of this before & was blind-sided & didn't know how to handle it. Just dealt with it & hoped he would come back to be the same person he was before. But I guess, like you, he'd burned too many bridges & decided to be the person I wanted him to be with someone else & moved on. (In reality, he's probably still maintaining with percocets as he was when we split; he never got into any meetings or anything).
On the other hand, I'm healing & don't feel as bitter as I once was. I practically don't feel anything. Again, thanks to him. LOL! Getting better. But I wish I had known that once he snorted that first oxy that it was over for us instead of wasting a decade of my life. I'm not the same person because of this. I used to be nice & sweet. Don't have it in my anymore.
Also, a word of advice to the other people that have relationships with addicts: Run! Can't say it enough - Your addict will resent you when they start using, resent you when they withdraw, and resent you when they recover. It's over! Or you will live through unspeakable insanity!! And one lesson I've had to learn - opiate addicts must totally get rid of people who surrounded them during their addiction so they won't use. Sadly, I think this includes those of us who didn't use & stood by them.
One question, Coming Home, please - Do you remember your relationship with your ex-wife? For some stupid reason it's important to me to find out from an ex-opiate user if my ex will remember having loved me? Or are those feelings & memories gone with the opiate use for years. Do you remember the feelings you had for your ex-wife?
I'm sorry to hear that, DL West. I regret not having called the cops on my now ex a couple of times. Not as bad as it sounds for you with physical stuff, but a couple crazy times. He filed for divorce?? Don't be surprised if he slanders you like you've never seen before. Opiate addicts will ruin the non-addicts character with vicious lies, etc. It's bizarre!
First, I am sorry for your families pain. Kids don't deserve this, neither do you. Second, they don't kill themselves if you leave. Manipulation is what they do. Can't tell you how many times have heard the same thing. Keep posting here to keep your sanity. We will do our best to help you thru this. It will be a long road, stay strong for the kids.
I am so lost! All I am doing is crying now. I really need someone to talk to and I found this site and wish I had one of your phone numbers or emails so I can share and feel ok. I can relate to so many of you. My perfect husband has been lying to me. Last tonight I found him in the restroom with the shower running and not taking a shower. I asked him what he was doing and he had no answer. I got extremely upset and it got physical. I then found a plastic sandwich bag with a syringe, spoon, lighter, small knife, and what appears to be >>>>>>. I don't really know what >>>>>> looks like but I am assuming thats what it is. I then found a Visine eye dropper with some brown liquid in it. I assume that to be liquid >>>>>>. Anyways, he completely denied those things to be his. I couldn't believe he was lying to my face especially with all the evidence. He then grabbed the bag out of my hand and tried to throw it on our apt roof to get rid of it and then later wrestled me to the ground to take the Visine bottle away. This being after he accused it of being mine. I just could not believe what I was hearing. It hurts so much! I feel like I am going crazy right now. I have no family and I don't want to open up to my friends about this in case he gets help. I don't want them to judge him. We havent spoken since last night and I am afraid our relationship is over. We have never been like this. I am so lost and don't know what to do? I've been looking for hotlines just to talk over the phone and vent but I have not found any. If any of you can just talk to me it would mean the world to me. Please help me, I am alone.
i am soo sorry for what has happened to your lives..
praying that you find your answers
p.s... others with much more wisdom than i will
come with some words of advice..
i am going thriough the same thing right now too. do i give up my dog and my house and my job and move back in with my mother( at 34 years old?!) i didn't mess things up why am i suffering and he his happy and oblivious. i can't afford a place of my own i don't want to give up my dog but i know he wouldn't feed her or walk her and i don't want her to suffer too. we have been together over 14 years but we are not married so i have no legal rights. we have been going in circles for about 7 years now he has gone back to pills about 10 times now and i just became aware that he is now moving on to methadone. i have been working up the courage to leave. i started trying to find a small apt i might be able to afford on my own but so far no luck. i have wondered about alanon too, but unless they are handing out apartments i don't see how it can help! i have never been so angry at anyone ever. some nights it is just too much to think about and i just sit on my couch shaking with my heart racing just trying to keep it together. how can i love someone so much and it feels like they don't even care at all?
just wanted to say you are not alone
i feel just like you do, this site helps but an actual voice would be nice. my boyfriends drug of choice is pain pills so i don't know anything about >>>>>>, but it sounds very similar to my story. when i confronted him he denies it and says it is my fault i just don't trust him but it is so obvious what he is doing. i feel very alone too
It's nice to come to a site where you are not alone. Here is my story. I've been married to my husband now for a little over 6 years. We jumped into the marraige because I was pregnant. Well I have really been trying to make this marraige work, with my faith, hope and nurturing toward him. I was so blind to all the signs, and didn't want to beleive my family when they scolded me about husband's unacceptable behavior and manipulation etc. Family could tell that he was on drugs. About two years ago the door bell rang. My husband stepped outside and held the door shut so I could not open it. Turned out to be a girl out there who got in her car and left. To make a long story short, cops were called that night and he went to jail. Took families advise to put restraining order on him even longer, and he couldn't see our daughter. After a month or so I decided to take restraining order off and we went to counseling. For the past five years my husband disappears, before it was only a night. Progessed to two nights now a week at a time. I started to mark his disappearances on the calendar and it's usually around the same time of the month. Anyways, my husband came clean earlierthis month after being gone for a week! He had left us hanging saying he was going to the bank to make sure we had enough money for our trip to be taken that day! His brothers wedding, we never made it there. Any how, he says that he wants help and after the threatening situation he was in, he realizes he needs and wants help for his drug use. Says he didn't realize that the marijuana he was taking was "laced" with other hard drugs, and thats how he thinks he got hooked. So just yesterday he went to get his d/a eval. Meeting took almost two hours and he got the results after appt of intensive outpatient. We went to lunch after, things looked hopefull and we were going to discuss further tx options. You will not beleive what happened next. I went back to work and he was supposed to be going home. Well when I couldn't get a hold of him when I got back to work I had a gut feeling he wasn't even home. I waited a little and then went home. Sure enough, he was gone. He hasn't been home since. I'm devasted. I feel like everything is a joke to him, and he just came back to humiliate me. He had talked to loud at the restaurant about his d/a eval,what he shared with the counselor etc. We discussed postive things he could start doing to relieve his urge or pressure/stress. Why would he do this? He broke my daughters heart again as he was supposed to take us out of town tonight to make up for the last spoiled trip due to his disappears. He was so assuring last time "oh I won't be going back to get the marijuana after what happened." Doesn't sound like he wants help does he? We also have a 20 old month son.
You need to leave!! He is putting you all thru H..L..I am not sure what else to say to you, but being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict..He will continue to lie, cheat, etc! Tough love is what you need to show him, and if he wants to be with you bad enough...maybe he will get SERIOUS about getting Help!! Good Luck to you and your kids! Stay Strong!
Thanks for responding. Well woke up this am to find him home. His says he relapsed, and was only trying to collect money from friends who owed him, for our trip. I know, ridiculous stories I just feel like telling him to stop because he is making himself sound more stupid. I have had enough. I'm ready to leave. I did however have to give him one last ulitmatum as guided by a priest. We will see if after this coming week, he really does check into rehabilitation, if not I will be getting the legal separation. See you later. THanks again for advise. He actually had the nerve to tell me "why wait a week, why not do it Monday, I was ready to start treatment immediately!" HE went out to the car to get his assessment and show me how he marked 'immediately,' and had told the counselor that he wanted to discuss it with his wife. This really has been miserable, and mentally exausting.
I understand what you are going through patir, but I do not have children in my marriage fortunately. I have recently filed for divorce because after a year of trying everything I absolutely could and learning about addiction through my research and naranon, I feel that it is time to love him enough to let him go. I am not an expert, but have realized that the addict basically has to hit their rock bottom and their rock bottom is not what ours is. Maybe losing their loved one will be their rock bottom, or maybe it will never happen. They have to want to do it.
My husband and I have been together for five years and only married for 11 months. We had a beautiful beach wedding in Florida and then honeymooned in Costa Rica. The newlywed stage abruptly ended within a month or two of returning home. I was planning on pregnancy a few months after our wedding and thank the lord that I found all of this out. It is a tragedy and so sad that you think your life is perfect and you have an intelligent and handsome partner to spend your life with. It mostly hurts to watch the person you love deteriorate, but lets be honest.. do we want to live like this?
It started with pain killers, then moved to snorting roxys (strong oxycontins), in the end became a >>>>>> addiction. It will drive you crazy and I do suggest naranon. You become addicted to the addict and his actions and lies and are considered sick as well. I could go on and on with the stories, but I am sure you have been through the same situations.
The fact of the matter is a marriage is a covenant between two people, nobody can love enough for both of you and with the trust demolished, what foundation is left to build on? Also we didn't cause their addictions, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. You can always divorce and get remarried or separate with a set amount of time to make a decision. The problem with being married to an addict, is that they will bring you down as well and they need to relearn their responsibilities and life all over again. I do not supply the groceries in the house anymore, pay anything for him, or help him in anyway. I will be glad to be there for his recovery once we are apart, but will proceed anything with caution and probably a couple years sobriety if he wants to try again. I don't know if this helps you any, but you need to know there are a lot of us out here with the same problem. My husband and I both have college degrees and he is the smartest man I know, so just know it happens to many. Please keep your head up and rebuild yourself and your own recovery... let him crash and make his own decisions for awhile... you may lose him forever, but you may save his life.
Last edited by bigheart; 03-28-2013 at 08:13 AM.
I've just left my partner of 9 years, I was oblivious for 4 years that he was doing anything, yeh he would go and get drunk with his mates, but when he came home I couldn't even look at him funny and he would turn voilent, then I started getting the bank statements and he wouldn't come home from work, lying hiding things, and when I told him lying to me was worse then anything he would reply with I didn't lie to you I just didn't tell you, (like that makes it any easier) no matter what I say it always gets turned around that I'm the one who is doing drugs and blah blah, ( I work full time and care for my 3 kids, and him) I don't have time to do anything like that, this man who I thought was the love of my life did a full back flip and had a totally secret second life when he wasn't with me or our children, one day he would be absolutely beautiful and the next you weren't even game enough to look at him ( we have been on and off I've had countless. Avos in place and for some stupid reason I kept taking him back, I just want to know, will I ever be able to trust and love again? I could not trust him at all and I ended up questioning everything he did because I just didn't know what he was capable off, 9 years I delt with this and I am completely and utterly broken, will I ever be able to have a normal relationship again and will I ever get over the head games and what he put my children and myself through? ( utterly broken
Can someone plz reply? I really need to talk to someone =(
Hey Boys...start your own thread so people will know you need responses. You've replied to a really old thread and sometimes they get overlooked.
I have no experience with an addicted spouse, so I'm not much help.
My advice to all on this thread is to get yourself to either counseling or alanon. I did neither and regret it. It will go a long way when it comes to understanding your role in his addiction and it will go a long way when it comes to opening up your heart to love in the future. If you have kids, do whatever you can to protect your kids from the madness. Kids should grow up without a care in the world, they should not have to be burdened with the weight of their parents problems.