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Leaving drug addict husband... advice please
Leaving drug addict husband... advice please
I am a 29 year old mom of two young boys (one almost 4 and one 2 1/2). I am a pretty well known model and I married my husband 5 years ago after knowing him for three months, and got pregnant three months later, and again 8 months after that. We had a prenup only because we moved so quickly (but it wasn't a very good one).
I always supported him. It was never about money, as I was set financially when we met, the prenup was only because I had quite a bit of money and we got married so quickly -- and I enabled him to not have to work (big mistake), he didn't help with the kids. I paid off his student loans, his car, loaned his parents over $50K, even ended up paying for my own engagement ring in an weird kind of way. Consequently I was hurt, mostly because he didn't help with the babies -- he never worked and I spent my savings on supporting our lifestyle for 5 years and funding his various business endeavors, while raising two kids on my own with no help.
Since we only knew each other three months before we got married, I knew he had a cocaine issue, but he stopped. He said he had just recently started reusing and SEEMED to be clean for most of our marriage.
Well, fast forward to tonight. This is the second time I have caught him with it in my house -- the last time was on our 5 year anniv in October. In Oct, he said he "didnt do it" then but was "going to do it tomorrow" (when I was going out of town for one day for work to support the family). He was supposed to be watching my kids, and was going to do his coke.
Today he did cocaine, and he had more again in my house tonight that I busted him with.
He has done it twice over the past year otherwise to my knowledge.
Anyways, I just need some advice. I do love him but I am not a babysitter. I told him when we got together THIS was a dealbreaker. It changes who he is. I tried talking to him about it tonight but he was all screwed up and high and couldn't follow the conversation. First he was defensive, then angry, then mean, then bawled. He said he uses it to mask pain and he hates his parents. I told him, yeah, your parents are jerks, but they do love you. It could be worse.
I told him he needs help, not just because I am saying it, but because he as a PERSON needs it for himself.
He lays on the couch when he doesn't work and doesn't pay attention to the kids. Sometimes he is a GREAT dad. But most of the time, so so. But that doesn't make this any easier.
He is mood swingy and gets mean, then can be sweet. I think this is because of the drugs or some sort of chemical imbalance. He has two personalities.
My kids love him dearly, of course, and I don't want to keep them from him, but I can't live like this. We have fought because I feel like he has been doing it and lying to me -- he claims tonight that the last time he did it was when I was traveling for work a year ago (again busting my ass to support the family) and he was WATCHING MY KIDS and doing it.
Bottom line, he is addictive. He takes my pills (I have arthritis, degenerating discs and a painful connective tissue disorder and take Ultram and sometimes Soma). He'll take Xanaflex (which I don't take and had leftovers) and drink Nyqil and then take Soma on top of that.
He knows he has a problem. He said he will get help. But he said that in October and then pretended not to remember that part (or he was so drunk /high didn't remember saying it).
I just feel horrible. I love my kids and I am so hurt. I feel like I gave everything I had to him to have a family and a husband that I love and now I have nothing. I have my kids, but I don't want them to have a broken home. I love them dearly. But I also can't live like this.
I told him I need time to think and I want a separation, but he started acting wigged out. He has guns in the house so I just became mellow and tried to console him because I didn't want him to freak out.
He hasn't been violent, but we did get into a fight the other week over the cocaine thing (I thought I caught him in the bathroom doing it, and now I am almost positive he was, although he still claims no). It did get physical, I grabbed him and he pushed me, and I am 100 lbs so of course I lost the battle.
I called the police and the cop said "once an addict, always an addict. How old are your kids before they find it and start doing it." They made him go to a hotel but didn't take either of us to jail. I was so embarrassed that it had escalated to that. It just proves I cannot live with this drug in our life.
My mom agrees with the police. I know I would be better off without him, but what about my kids?
I am sorry this is so long, but I am a writer too and have always been a long-winded one at that.
Any advice from someone who has been there on either end?
thanks so much for letting me vent.
I wish I had longer to write to you cause believe me I could write a book, but let me say this...
first of all, you sound like a very smart woman. There are a couple of things that you said that struck me as very telling. You repeatedly said "my" house, "my" kids. You obviously feel total responsibility for the family. Do you really want to live like that? That's a lot of pressure.
Something else you said that I personally feel you need to stick to... you said you told you husband that this was a 'dealbreaker'. In my opinion, you need to stand by your words - otherwise nothing you ever say will be taken seriously. Now that doesn't mean that 'it's over!", it simply means, that you are in no uncertain terms going to tolerate his behavior. Either you/he/both of you get counseling, separate (only you can decide). I have used that term before very carefully in my marriage because that is not something I want to be taken lightly. If something is a 'dealbreaker' , then, that's what it is.
I have been married for 21 years. Have a very healthy relationship, can't imagine any other kind. Not to say we haven't had our share of problems. You sound like a woman who wants the best for her children. Don't settle for anything less. If you love your husband, than of course, work on your marriage, but please don't settle with what's important to you and your children. As long as you continue to do it all, be all, support all, your husband will not change anything - he has no reason to. His poor choices will have poor outcome. So will yours.
If you truly love him, all is not lost - it's just time to make some tough decisions. It's time for him to decide what's important to him. If he has a drug problem, he may need help. It may not be something he can kick himself. If he wants help, that's wonderful. If he doesn't, then there's really nothing you can do.
Geez, I'm writing more than I already intended to! Keep your little ones your priority right now - they need their Mom to be okay, better than okay.
Remember your 'dealbreaker' - if you don't follow through, nothing you ever say will be taken seriously. Like I said - that doesn't have to mean 'goodbye', it just means you are NOT going to tolerate it period and something HAS to change OR then it may be goodbye. It sounds like you have many other things you need to work on with your husband. The two of you will decide if you want to put the effort into it. Your kids will be okay. They'll take their cue from you.
Keep us posted, please!!
I must be his twin!
I am about 13 years older than you. I am who you described in your letter. We are married under different circumstances but your day to day life is me to a T. I have tried to reduce the amount of painkillers I have been taking this last week. I have been high on them every day for 3 years. I love my wife and children 9,7 boys. Drugs take over a persons mind making them the only thing that matters until he can get his fix. Why,? If I love my wife and children, do I want to get high on painkillers? Do I not love them enough to stop? Why dont I feel like when we first were together, when all I needed was to know she will be there when I get home from work? That is enough, that is all we really need. I am trying so hard to stop. My mind says to me all you need is to get some more so you dont run out, all you have to do is take the money from your family vacation fund and buy them. Tell him there are others like him who are trying to get through the same thing. What would he do if you left him? I told my wife I could not live without her and the kids, I am struggling to stay on course gradually reducing the amount of painkillers to get to day one without any, The drugs are not worth it, your husband is. Cocaine gets a person really high, I have taken it and do not like it because you can not function in reality while on it. Why get married, have kids, wait a couple of years and destroy them. For our grown up problems? If your husband is like me, he loves you and the kids. He has to get his mind on something else other than getting high, get through each day one hour at a time until his new good daily routine is protecting him from falling back in to Hell. If the police charge him and you have to testify against him that is the end. If you get past that, get rid of the weapons in the house. I wish your family will have a miracle and live long and happy lives together.
Originally Posted by lkw
I have been on the opposite end, to an extent. Only, it was my cousin, not my husband. I helped him out financially, with his kids, etc. until there was nothing more I could do. He went in and out of rehab at least 5 times. He couldn't hold a job, because of his anger-managment issues. His wife was at wits-end. She was the only one working, she was the only one spending time with the kids, and when neither of us would give him money, he'd steal it (or something valuable) to get the cocaine. It was a vicious cycle. It was incredibly hard on the kids--not because they knew he did drugs, but because they didn't understand "why daddy won't play with" them... I agree with the police telling you, "once an addict, always an addict"--however, some people (those who TRULY want to) can stay away from the drugs... it's a long and hard road for them. That doesn't mean they are no longer addicted, it just means that the treatment they've received has helped greatly. If he is sneaking around with the cocaine, there is really no point in giving him an ultimatem. It's obvious you care about your children--and you care about your husband, or you wouldn't post on here. I really think you should put the safety and concern on your children, and leave the situation. Of course, none of us can tell you what to do, just offer up suggestions. It will be a hard road, but it can be done--for the kids! I wish you all the best, in whatever you decide to persue! (Sorry for rambling--there is so much to say, and so little space)! God bless!
I am a mother of one but I always joke that I have a 5 year old and a 48 year old. I am the primary caregiver, money manager, grocery shopper, wage earner...my husband gives me his paycheck....that's his contribution.
My husband isn't a drug addict but, if he was, our relationship would be just like yours. My husband is mostly a good dad, occasionally a great dad and sometimes a not so good dad.
I totally get it about the kids and not wanting to keep him from them but...I think it's time you get through to your husband that...when you said drugs were a deal breaker....you meant it. He needs rehab. He also needs to contribute something to the family..Either be the caregiver or (as in our case) be a wage earner. Even if he has to work at McDonalds he needs to know what it feels like to bust his butt and only get to spend a fraction of his earnings on himself. Right??? It's called sacrifice.
Of course, rehab won't work unless he's ready. Until he hits rock bottom. I suggest that now is the time to practice some tough love because he's not going to hit rock bottom for a long time with you supporting him.
I vote for a separation....explain to him why. When he blames his addiction on his parents or you or the kids....let him know that the rehab center will be happy to assist him in working all those issues out.
Oh also....there are no weapons allowed in our house. For your own safety and the safety of your children you need to remove any guns immediately. I do not want to read about you on the news...you're to smart for that!
Of course it's easy for me to tell you this....I'm not you....but I think you'll agree that something drastic needs to happen here.
Keep us posted
Last edited by ymccormack; 01-03-2008 at 06:29 PM.
A Single divorced man offers help!
I believe a non-legal separation will help your marriage. I suggest you ask your boyfriend what he wants in this relationship. Make it clear, that you will separate from him in the interest of love and spiritual health but that you will
support him back into your life, after he has stopped using cocaine.
Be willing to love this man, as yourself. The love and joy is in the journey within & without for others. If you love one another as Jesus commanded
his friends, you will receive praise from God and your man.
Too many women in America are obnoxiously narcisstic, and I think American
men deserve better from American women. I am divorced but I will never marry another American woman. I would rather marry a beautiful greek woman who values her husband.
Teach Love and patience to your man, and you might win his affections and trust.
Thank you for all of your suggestions. I did think that a seperation would be best because then he can figure out what he needs to do.
I have tried talking to him but I don't want to fight in front of the kids. I am trying to be the adult. I know I am not perfect, but my 4 year old is smart like all kids, and knows when we are fighting and gets seriously freaked out by it.
Today I asked him if he called the dr (counselor) and he said he "needed to find her number" (read: if you get her number, I'll call her and get on the waiting list to see her for counseling).
He laid on the couch all afternoon. Apologized and said he "will not lose me" over this. Wants to go back on Zoloft to fix the chemical that makes him want cocaine. Said he told his good friend about the incident and said his friend told him "stop it, it is not worth losing your family over."
So then he apparently took a Zoloft and complained of chest pains (he was on it when trying to quit smoking and had leftovers). I said, "why did you take that if you still had coke in your system?" He said he feels anxious. Obviously Zoloft is not the drug for an anxiety attack.
I know anxiety attacks are not fun, but this is not the way to deal.
He promised he wasn't going to drink for a long time (has been averaging 10-14 beers a night, my guess was drinking to come off the coke). I had mixed feelings about alcohol as I come from an alcoholic family. I think moderation is good; but he does everything to excess it seems.
I really think there is more of an underlying issue here than just occassional desire for coke?
Thank you for all your suggestions. I don't see what "obnoxious American women" have to with this. If you think I am an obnoxious American woman for supporting my husband, then you are misunderstanding my post or in your own little world. I have spent my savings on supporting my family and still continue to work even though I once was retired at 22. I love my family and my husband, otherwise I wouldn't be on here.
Thank you for all of your kind words and help. It really means a lot to me. Thanks so much.
I wish you to be strong and stay together
After thinking about what the other women advised I would like to weigh in on leaving your husband. I think drugs are the hardest thing to quit once you are hooked. You are also young which lessons the chance of getting back together once you are separated. There are just as bad other men out there you wont know about till they have moved in. I think you should try marriage counseling and try to remember how much you loved each other when you got up on the alter a promised for better or for worse in sickness and in health. I am an eaqualiy terrible guy and am trying so hard to stop taking the drugs. I am thinking about a rehab solution as after ten days reduced the amount I am taking but it driving me crazy. I have been a real jerk to my wife and it is a miricle she has not left me. I love her more than anything in the entire universe. Heaven Help Me.
I've so been in your shoes. I'm the money maker, not that he isn't, but I can appreciate your place. My husband went through the same thing....but what you are seeing/catching is just 'here and there'. This is probably going on ALOT more than you know. How many times is all this happening that you don't know about? For me, I woke up at 4:30am to him geeked out, and I packed up the kids and just tore out. I just decided forget it, I'm not even going to watch him do it to himself, no matter what a great guy/dad/whatever he is. The TRUTH is that if he is whacked out (even just a little occasionally....my guy never partied out of the house, always at home by himself in the game room or media room.....but it's a bad situation that will always be a downward spiral. It's never going to stable out, so you have to back out. When he realizes you are seriously leaving because of his drug problem, and hopefully comes crawling back clean....random drug tests is what he had to agree to do. I probably bought 10 from CVS for $30/each that test for cocaine....then I actually bought them in bulk online. And everytime I was suspicious, he had to pee in a cup. And if he didn't like it, then, sorry, "f you baby"....it takes getting used to for him, but hey, he put you in this position and it's all for him/you anyways. And after time it won't be necessary. It sucks, sucks, sucks....but if you are trying to figure out if you can make it work with him being on this, you already know you can't. Coke is coke...that's bad stuff.....and he's not going to stop until you make it an ultimatum for him, and he is going to thank you for it later and you will be his angel for it. Then it will be happily ever after.....but for now...it's going to be a rough ride.
I agree with migraine girl....he's probably doing it a lot more than you think. Consider sending the kids to Gma's or a friend's house for a few hours and have the talk with him. This will be the talk where you tell him to quit whining and get his act together. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior...
Originally Posted by Migraine girl
A chemical imbalance that makes him need to sit on the couch all day and snort cocaine? Please! Snap out of it! Please give him the "My way or the highway" speech before it's too late.
Keep us posted!
You answered your own question
Honey,there is nothing you can say or do to get him to clean up . Seperation is the best thing you can do for him and you and your boys. By staying with him you are enabling him to continue because theres no consequence. So you are actually helping him continue his drug habits....
You can't keep threatenig a person with ultimatums and threats and expect that person to take you seriously when you never actually follow thru.
Your children are going to be affected by his addiction. They may walk in to a room and find their dad dead on the floor from an overdose, they may have to watch their dad get arrested and hauled away by a dozen police, or most likely they will wake up to daddy being gone, drug addicts with families usually abandon them due to quilt. You need to decide who is more important. Your husband is a grown man that has a problem that can ONLY be fixed by himself. and your kids depend on you to do whats best for them
They may not know whats going on but they DO KNOW something is wrong because of your frustration and desperation, so everone in the family is being hurt and YOU have the choice to stop hurting yourself and your kids by leaving.
You can try and help him from a distance but seperate until he gets help..at least 3 months of inpatient therapy. You also should know that addicts will say and do anything to get you to get back together with them , the most commom is suicide threats, extreme crying and apologies, anger and threats that dont even make sense. You cant give in...it may be the thing that makes him wake up and realize he is about to lose the only things he has! Good luck!
Get him away from those kids asap
I'm sorry, but your husband's behavior is INEXCUSABLE.
I come from a similar situation, got PG right after meeting
my husband who wasn't quite ready to stop using then
but has since gotten it (somewhat) together.
He has relapsed once in 4 years & he knows if I ever catch
him using again he is out of the house which is solely in my name.
I don't even have a lot of money, my husband is the sole
breadwinner, but we'd just manage somehow without him.
Kids are better off growing up poor than around active addicts.
If you can afford it, you have to take your boys & leave
asap or tell your husband he's got to leave because he is using
& that you will call the cops on him if he doesn't.
Seriously! You do not want your kids in a house with an
active drug addict for a father, it's unhealthy for them
& many, many bad things can happen.
You & your kids deserve better & as a mom you're obligated
to fiercely protect them, much more than you are
obligated to be loyal to an addicted husband.
He's a grown man of his own free will & if he wants to be a
real father to those little boys he will realize he needs to
get his act together before you will let him be a part of you
& your kids' lives..
Maybe if you split for a while he will get some
help & if he doesn't, well it's time to hire an attorney,
it's as simple as that.
You can do this. Stay strong sweetie.
the guys point of view 4 model with a coke addict hubby
well from reading your story it sounds like your husbands been doing coke you whole marrige just curious since he dosnt work where does he get the money .anyways he definetly has a problem you cant just up and leave the guy he dosnt realy want to do coke and be mean to his family he has to . you talked about him being mean sometimes that waS probably when he didnt have any coke if you do it regulary and then dont have it on day you go crazy called withdrawls thtasd why hes upset sometimes i would at least confront him about the problem tell him you know whats up and try and get him into a clinic or rehab sounds like you got the money 4 a good one . have him go away for a month or to if he cant just quit at home and he cant hang out with his friends who do the drug ever again .but give the guy a chance to get back to his old self remember the way he was before you got married and started doing drugs
heres my story if you care to read it the drugs i was taking oxycodone which is legal >>>>>>e is way harder and more addictive than coke Well Im On My 4th Day Almost 5th I Took A 1/3 Of An 80mg Oxy And 5 5mg Vicodin First Thing In The Morning To Go To A Rehab Clinic JUST TO GET ADVICE ON QUITTING IM DOING MY REhab in home the gave me tramadol but it does nothing 4 me so i stoped taking it
I Hav Ebeen Takin Vicodion For About 5 Years Total Every Day For At Least Two Years Non Perscription I Started Taking 1-2 Vicodin Just To Have Fun Then Eventually Taking At A Mininum Of 3 Just To Feel Normal Up To 6-7 80mg Oxy Codone Every Day I Usually Snorted Them Sometimes Smoked Them . Ive Only Been Taking Oxys For The Last 4 Mnths And It Completely Ruined My Life Cause I Didnt Have A Perscription I Was Spendin A Least 100$ A Day Sometimes 200$ I Lost A 100k A Year Job My Home Is Being Forclosed And My Truck Is About To Get Repoed In A Matter Of 4 Mnths. With The Norcos 1000 I Would Take Like 10 A Day Thats Only 30$ Sometimes More Partying Late Night . Everything Was Fine But That F'n Oxy Ruined My Life Thank God My Girlfriend Of 7 Years Didnt Leave Me. Anyone Trying To Quit I Feel Your Pain This Is My First And Last Time Trying To Quit And It Sucks Theres No Way I Could Go Through This Again . About How Long Will It Take Me To Get Back To Normal Due To The High Amount I Waas Taking My Doc Told Me 1 80mg Oxy Is Like 18 Perks Just So Gp Please Tell Me I Want To Know How Long I Have To Look Forward To This Hell Of A Sleepdeprived Live By The Way Thats The Worst 4 More Damn Crack Heads Can Just Sleep It Off Us Oxy Heads Must Live With The Pain 24hrs A Day Sry For Rambling Who Laong Will The Withdrawls Last Till I Back To My Old Self.
withdrawn in cali
It is hard to give advice in these situations because it is only one side of the story. Let's take for granted that your right on the mark about your husband and his addiction. I happen to believe that love can conquer all. That being said you shouldn't enable your husband. Sadly, it seems that your doing that very thing. Did you do drugs with him in the beginning of your relationship? And why did you get married so quickly? Not judging, just asking to understand your situation.
Let me give u some insight into your husband. I have been in recovery from 10 years of opiate and benzo use for coming up on 5 months. "Addiction" is one of those all encompassing terms, but so be it. To give u an idea I was on 3,500 mg of opiates and 40 to 50mg of benzos a day. It took me two times through Detox to get control of this monster. I am a professional and performed well at my job eventhough I was basically a junkie. These medications were prescribed in these insane amounts due to chronic kidney stones, multiple injuries from sports, and a broken neck less than a year ago in a severe car accidet, an anxiety disorder, insomnia and so on. Ok whatever! People who are addicted always try to justify their drug use. So I have reasons to take meds, yes, but I have an addictive personality in all aspects of life. This characteristic has brought joy and misery.
Back on topic. Almost three years ago my 20 year marriage ended. Not because I didn't work (I worked 70 hours a week) or I didn't take care of my daughter, but because my wife's expectation of me changed. We did drugs together when we were young and in college. But when she had our child at 30 everything changed (for her not me). So my addiction to drugs got worse and worse. One thing I learned about addiction is that for many people, including me, use because of past resentments. That was very true for me. I resented my ex-wife's treatment of me. Before what was ok was not good anylonger. Funny that now that she divorced me I finaly got my life somewhat together. She had her on problems - family, manic depression (not that she would seek help) and low self esteem. However, I was the reason for all her problems. I take full responsibility for my actions. I definitely screwed up big time. The truth is that her leaving me did not make me stop using. I had to decide to stop using. I was so determined this time to stop using that I was ready to die. Because of the opiates I was on (Fentanol, Methadone, Morphine, Demarol, Liquid Dilaudid, Oxycodone, and Hydrocodone) I suffered dope sickness to the extreme. In fact, I almost died going through detox and was bedridden this time for a month and eventhough it has been almost 5 months I am still going through very painful withdraws. The pain and suffering is unbelievable. No matter, my God, daughter and mother have given me strength to face my demons daily. If you really love your husband, first try to get him real help. Sounds like he may need to go to a treatment center (detox and rehab). I am against divorce and feel it should be your last option. Now if you reach out and your supportive and try to get him help and he refuses, then separation or divorce may be warranted. When I needed my wife the most she abandoned me and went off and got pregnant from this guy she new a couple of months. Before we even finalized our divorce. She had a shot gun wedding in Las Vegas. All this in front of our child. At least, I was there for my child...I ramble. Please take anothr look at your situation. Divorce is devastating and so is drug addiciton.
It took me dieing 3 times from overdosing. Thank God I was resuscitated. Now I have a chance to live again. I come from the ashes. To be honest, I crave the meds everyday, but "...greater is he who is in me than he who is in the world". "Once an Addict always an Addict" is an over simplified statement. Give your husband a chance to surprise you. Like you said he is not violent toward you. That is definitely unacceptable. However, he is probably hurting inside. A suggestion: Why don't both of you go to counseling. I am sure it could be helpful for you and him. Right now your in the me...me...me stage. Very dangerous. Your husband most likely has some serious emotional problems. I know I am working through a lot of unresolved anger and resentment. But I am getting there one day at a time. Take it one day at a time. Hopefully, this was helpful. Need to talk let me know. God Bless
I am not going to get into it in depth. Look up my replies and you will see that my use of opiates dwarfed your use. Not saying "Mine is bigger than yours", but it is to give you a reference. I have been off the opiates for almost 5 months. Literally, Detox almost killed me this time. I was bedridden for 1 month. I still have major stomach problems (Diarhhea, pain,etc). I am lucky if I sleep 2 hours a night. Sometimes I think I am past it, then I go through these mini-withdraw syndromes where it feels like the beginning of detox again, but to a lesser degree. I lost 40lbs. Had over 120 seizures (probably from the enormous amounts of Xanax I was coming off of). Daily I was taking 400x what is considered an overdose. So hang in there. Your detoxing from one opiate so I hope you do not go through what I went through and what I am going through. I feel your pain. I mean I feel your pain. One day at a time. Professionals say it can take 1 to 1 and half years until your system stabalizes. Hopefully, this will help. God Bless
hi new to the forum.lkw if your husband does'nt go for detox .He will always
abuse of your sentiments,I'm an addict sober straight for 26 years .went rehab in 1984. like someone told you once an addict always an addict.the drug problem is about 20% of the sickness 80% his attitude i've seen people sober for 5years and still acting has before.You have to be strong don't give him a chance until he goes for advice or a cure .I did'nt get a divorce still with my wife for 29 years .She supported me when i went for Rehab.I don't say everything was perfect but we did it.but you have to be firm no maybe's
A drug addict or alcoholic is also a manipulator so every reasons are good for delaying the problem.Good luck for your decision.Bye Ricky
I can definitely relate
Hello...I really need to talk about what I am going through....I am 27 years old, working part time..my husband of 2 years was clean and in recovery for 3 years when we got married...he relapsed after about a year and a half and has been on the run ever since....promising me that he is going to get clean again and that this is the last time. He is addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol. I feel as though I don't even know him anymore because the drugs make him act as though the devil is inside him. I am debating whether or not to leave him and it is soooo hard because we have a 5 month old son. He doesn't take any part in helping to raise this baby and the pressure of making sure the house is clean, paying bills, caring for baby,etc...is all on me. I cannot support myself and my son on my own since I am only working part time. The only thing he does is show up for work and sometimes, he doesn't even do that! Last week he totalled the new SUV that we bought because we wanted a safe car to drive the baby around in...he got charged with his 3rd DUI and could be going to jail. My whole world spun upside down when I got that call from him at the police station...I thought that this would be his bottom and that he would get help now...Tonight I went to pick him up from work since he has a suspended license and he was nowhere in sight...his boss was there and I asked if he gave him any money and sure enough he did after numerous conversations asking him to please not let him borrow money anymore...ugghhhhh Anyway, bottom line is that I am sitting here completely frozen and drained emotionally to the point where I am numb. It just brings everything back to me of all that I have gone thru with him throughout the relapse and how I have stuck by him only to find myself curled up alone again not knowing where the hell he is I know how strong addiction can be as I am a recovering addict myself...this has been a nightmare and I never imagined I would go thru anything like this in my life. I am wanting to leave him, but am so torn as to what I will do ...how I will support myself and my baby. I just cannot take this anymore, I have no hope left and cannot watch him go down anymore. I feel your pain and am in the same boat....the only thing that keeps me going is my son. I have no other choice...I do love my husband though and wish he could just get his life back on track. He is a wonderful person when not on drugs...but it has been a very long time since I have seen the man that I married. Best of luck to you and you are not alone.
Wow, tough situation. Can't really write at this moment. Will get back to you. Hang in there. I will pray for you. God Bless
Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I too have been battling the same situation as you. My husband had us move to his hometown and it wasn't even a few days he was here he told me he needed help he was addicted to crack cocaine. For nearly 2 yrs. now I have been hearing he quit.. but still goes away for days and weeks at a time. Now I stayed mainly because of my kids. When he first started this stuff my daughter was almost 5. She now knows that Daddy don't come home and sits in her room looking out her window waiting for her daddy to come home. It is sad. He started to have the mood swing thing too like you have delt with. This time he got bad, broke the microwave and then as I was going to take him to work ( we only had one car running at the time) he was OK with that then came out with a sludge hammer and huge screw driver and got distructive and my little on seen him act this way. I was so afraid when I seen him act that way that I did what the police told me to do and got a protective order. They also told me when someone is on crack cocaine it only gets worse and no one can help them other then themselves. I am now in such a bad place because I have no family as my daddy just died not long ago. So Im here with my two kids with no vehicale. I tried to get one but was told I don't have any credit so I need to have a thousand dollars down and I don't even have that much money and no one to ask for help. I have no food hardly here but I did apply for food stamps and waiting on that. As much as I really do love my husband I am starting to feel I need to get away and try to start a new life over. I think honestly I would of done that if I was able to have some help to move. I think when the police told you that once a crack addict always a crack addict is most likely true as for me that is what I am seeing here. The sad part is before we moved to his home state he never ever did drugs and that was for 7 years. I also thought our relationship was so great that nothing could ever have us apart. I was wrong and I am so deeply saddened by this. If you ever would like to talk I don't have much to offer other then being able to listen. Just know your not alone and I do know the pain your feeling. Just thank God you have a way to get out and family to be there for you. If you ever want to email me you can at : firstname.lastname@example.org
Similar situation.....need advice also
Wow LK, I have a very similar situation, just different specifics. I'm actually today considering leaving, but I just don't know how. I too love him, but I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this, and since all is resting on my shoulders right now, I am thinking the best thing would be for me to get us (me and 2 kids - 7 and 3) out before it gets worse. First to get myself together and then second, to avoid anymore fighting, or potential physical altercations. I'm scared, not of him hitting me, but that we could end up in a fight and things escalate.
My husband, an addict (although he won't admit that), about 4 months ago developed a severe case of shingles, which affected his work and he eventually lost it. During this period, he was prescribed oxycontin for the excruciating pain; for about a month, he has curtailed taking it and the pain has diminished a little, but he still seems off. I have even started counting the pills daily just to know for myself how much of it he is taking. I know he's drinking and cannot get himself on a normal schedule - he sleeps all day and stays awake all night because he says he can't sleep. Meanwhile, I am taking care of the kids, the house, the financial stuff (which has now become a enormous mess with medical bills, lack of income, etc.) and am working to sustain us. I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle at least in the financial realm. My work requires me to travel (consultant), which is stressful for me and creates anxiety (for which I am on Zoloft, for depression also). I fear that while I am away, my kids will not be taken care of, or even worse, something terrible will happen because he does not seem sober to me.
I have tried to talk to him, but because we recently had the police at our home following a fight where I ended up calling the police, he avoids discussing things because he doesn't want us to get into anything that could possibly lead to an argument, fight, etc. I don't want to fight either, because the last thing I want to happen is him to go to jail, or for my kids to see us fighting anymore. I am just overwhelmed and don't know what else to do. I feel a separation would be best, until he gets himself together. Yet, I don't want him to feel abandoned by us, because that too is an issue for him (his father abandoned the family when my husband was 2). I just don't know how to say things to him to get through to him. I just know that I need to get myself in a more peaceful and stable situation for the sake of the kids.
Please, I'm really needing some advice or resources to figure out what to do.
I almost want to cancel my business trip for tomorrow, but if I do, I'm certain that I too will lose my clients. I've already had to cancel things due to above situation, but have managed to maintain work. I think canceling will be the last straw for my clients. My husband assures me that he can take care of the kids, but it's just so hard for me to trust this and I don't have family around. Oh my gosh, as I type, I get more and more anxious. HELP!!!!
If you have any doubt that your children will not be properly cared for, I certainly would not leave them with him, I understand your circumstances with work but as a Mother I know I could never forgive myself if something happened to my son when I was aware there was a possibilty the person who was responsible to care for him in my absence wasn't capable of doing so.
Will he admit that he has a problem? I am a little confused, I get that he was on the oxy for about a month and that he drinks, is he an alcoholic? Is he still taking the oxy?
If he isn't willing to admit he has a problem, then there is really nothing you can do. He has to recognize his addiction and admit he needs help before you can move forward with any type of recovery. Otherwise, you are going to continue butting heads. He hasn't hit his "bottom" yet and it won't be until then that HE decides it's time to get some help.
In your shoes
Hi, I am new here but read several of the postings and wanted to share the positive direction I am currently heading. I have been married to my husband for just over a year now. He was a drinker when we met but I thought that was all. Our whirlwind relationship went towards marriage and he looked after my son from a previous marriage like he was his own. Since we have been together he hasn't been able to hold down a job, he always gets fired or quit. My husband has had sever anger issues that resulted in him punching holes in the wall and destroying our bedroom door. He would get so upset over the tinest of issues that he would break his hand by punching the fridge and go to the doctor. For a while i didn't know that he was doing these things to get his hands on pills. I finally found a stash of pills that he had, he stole money from me and my son's piggy bank to feed the pill habit and the drinking just got worse. We had several massive arguments. He finally quit drinking and hasn't had a drink in several months. He is still doing the pills even though he denies it. After he took my son on a ride in my car with less than favorable people I ended up having to leave work early and come home to get my son. we had a massive argument that resulted in our apartment manager calling the cops (he was screaming in the parking lot, obviously high). Finally I managed to get my son and I out of there. we spent the night at a friends house and when we came back he was gone, at his dad's house. I won't let him see my son, he can not return home until he gets help. He has admitted that he has a problem but hasn't sought help yet. I informed him that in order for him to hope to return home that he had to get a job, keep the job, get completely clean with no drugs in his system and apologize to those people that he has hurt over this. I cut off his cell phone and took both of the cars (the cars and the apartment are in my name alone). I will not give him money and we will only talk over the phone on my terms. Currently he is still living with his dad and says that he wants to make changes. I have also made him sign a divorce decree that I will refrain from filing for 3 months.
Wish me luck as I need it to stay strong. I love him dearly but refuse to be a victim in this. I am strong and have to be for my son. I want my son to grow up to be a man and not an addict.
WOW - you did everything right, which is rare in your situation. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back, and stick to those stipulations. Get ready though - he might pull every trick out of his hat to manipulate you at this point.
Originally Posted by munchkinsmom
Thanks but could still use advise
Thank you for your kind words. This is a tough transition for all of us. I guess you could say that I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best. Any advise on how to make this easier on either me or my son is greatly appreciated. He is already trying some of the manupulation techniques straight out of the addict book but I am staying strong so my son can have a good influence in his life.
Originally Posted by AmIanAddict
I think you are doing everything right so far, so the only advice I can give is to stay strong and stick to everything you stipulated. It's very important that you don't bend at all because he will see that opening and exploit it - like that book... if you give a mouse a cookie, he will want a glass of milk. He has to feel the position he has put himself in so that he can want it for himself. Doing it for anyone other than himself will usually end in failure. You have no control over his success. Only he can determine where his bottom is.That's why it's so important for you to stick to those consequences. I'm guessing his main manipulation is going to be guilt as that is the one that tends to be the most effective. Don't let his voice become your internal voice. KNOW that you are doing the right thing.
Originally Posted by munchkinsmom
Last edited by AmIanAddict; 02-23-2011 at 05:59 PM.
you are doing the right thing! stay strong!!
leaving drug addict husband.
My story is in a lot of ways similar to the original poster. When I met my husband he had just finish jail time for possesion. Knowing this i continue to date him, then we broke up for about a year I left the country for that period. When I returned i heard he was in a drug program, i went to see him , he said he still loved me so we continue our relationship. I stood by him another 9 months in the program, when he completed it we got married. I thougth he was cured. a few months later I noticed every Saturday he would go to work an extra job. I found out that instead he was at some ghetto neighborhood doing crack. I gave him an ultimatum and he stopped. he smoked weed everyday and i thought as long as he stay away from the hard drugs and as long as he is responsible with work everything would be ok.
He had mood swngs since when i first met him, I though i was reciliant enough to tolerate the mood swings.
A few years later inherited money from my mother and bought a small business together with my brother. I busted myself working, he eventually left his job and started working in the business. I (like the original poster) made the mistake of not expecting hard work from him. FLexible schedule, half days, etc.
By then we had 2 sons 2 years apart. I always feared the day they would be old enough to notice. But did nothing about it , they where growing in a disfunctional environment, mood swings, dad yelling if they went to the garage at a given time with no consitency (this is where he would smoke weed but he didn´t have a schedule so sometime he would call the boys to play ball with him in the garage so when they would naturally wanna go there all of a sudden he would yell ¨don´t follow me¨) they never new what to expect and i did not know what to say or do about it. house always dark , curtians always closed in my house, like if we were hiding something.
years went by, he did a mediocare job a the business, just showed up, sweet talk to all the employees and customers but at home complained about everything and critisized how i was running the busines.. He demanded 2 vacations a year, had no value of our hard work and argued if I talked about a saving plan for our future claiming ¨live for today, there is no guarantee that we will be here tomorrow¨. I had no energy to argue to the point, so i left things like that and let time continue the same way.
What was happening is that the dissapointment of having a partner, a husband, limiting our progress in all aspects made me change the way I felt about him. with time I fell out of love in other words. But I continued for my kids, more than a good father, he was an active father and had authority over my kids and I needed that. I worked very long hours and just spoiled them when arrived at home maybe out of guilt of not spending much time with them. my husband worked half days, so ¨he took care of the kids¨.
14 years into our marriage the economy hit business hard and we decided to move the country to my home town in south america, I thought maybe it was a chance for things to get better and the love to emerge again. We were fortunate to be able to retire so young at least for a while. Big mistake, no responsibilities for him in the country known as the kingdom of cocaine. He made friends fast , he started doing coke everyday, would get up at 8 am , shower and go meet up his friends and do coke all day. My youngest son at the time 11 told me¨dad just comes home to shower and sleep¨ , right there i realized that my sons have reached the age that i had feared so long, they were starting to notice things.
after a few months of things getting worse, including him going to whore houses, lying , and having mahrihuana plants in my back yard, I finally kicked him out and sent him back to the United States.
It was hard, my sons were affected by the whole thing. this was 6 months ago . today they are 12 and 14 and I have not talked to them about the drug part, i suspect that they know. My youngest one has had outbursts and anger problems. My oldest one wants to spend time in his room alone withthe curtains shut, he hates it when i want to converse with him. the psychologyst said i should talk to them about it....they are imature for their age and still into video games, ahve not hit parties or are not interested in girls yet. the oldest one just chats on FB with some girls but he is too shy to talk to them in person, all this behavior is consequence of wht they lived with...I pray to God and will do anything in my power so they never do drugs.
Last month my husband came back to my country after insisting he was missing the kids so much, he even said he was getting ill and depressed from being far away from them. so I got him to agree on following rules and agreements and I allowed him to return.( I say this because I controll all the money). BUT.. as I write this he is now out with friends most likely getting high. We have tickets to return to the US in 10 days. I cannot wait for that day. I will file legal separation within the first 3 days the we arrive.
i read some of the cases here. If you are in similar situations , don´t wait! leave while your children are little. The longer you wait the more affected they will be by living in such enviroment. the original poster is write. People don´t change!
I know im a bit late on this matter but here is my advice.
Originally Posted by lkw
You telling him you want him to change isn't doing anything cause it's just words.
ACT. You must act on this, the kids may not understand now, but they will later.
You staying in that house, is only provoking him to let them use. DEA busts adults across the country for people letting children at the age of TWO, do drugs like cocaine.
Do you want this? I'm sure you do.
Do yourself a favor and leave. PLEASE
ill be praying for you.
Similar story, different drug
I know you posted this years ago and I hope that your journey has become easier for you. I just wanted to add my snippet to say that I recognized myself in your story. My husband is a chronic pot user and it is his priority. The saddest part is that despite asking for support from his family and friends, they all have excuses for him because it's "harmless." Apparently marijuana doesn't affect family life and relationships. He also hasn't worked for years, his esteem gets lower and lower and he's just depressed. Everything is always my fault and I'm the meanest person in the world because I won't support it. He keeps telling me that I'd get everything I wanted if I could just go away and the old, loving me would come back.
Does anyone have any suggestions for coping mechanisms? He just will flat out not leave. Any suggestions (other than the oversimplified 'just leave'). This is my home too. The only way he can pay bills is with credit cards, why should we both be without a home? Please help...
Hi I am Anna-marie from the UK.........I cannot believe why all you very kind people put up with such abusse from your partners!!!!!! I am advising you all from my own horrific experiences of living with a cocaine addict.....
they are all lieing, cheating, thieving, deeply manipulative, selfvefish individuals that will never change while you keep supporting their addiction......what bubble are you all living in? get out...get your life back you deserve so much more get help about being drawn into a toxic relationship...it will be extremley painfull as you tell yourself you love them....but the person you love doesn't exisit just a person that if they feel they may be loosing you turns on the charm and love... to keep you under their control they WILL NOT CHANCE EVER....get help with the hurt you are going to feel cut yourself off completlly go through the pain you will get over them and in a years time or more you will look back and be stronger and be so much happier...dont rush into another relationship you will need to heal and recover first before you can start another relationship....do it today what ever you have to TAKES do it get out right now......Its the hardest descion you will ever make and dont ever ever go back like I did as it will all start again...good luck and take