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last minute reassurances, plse?
  1. #1
    michou is offline New Member
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    May 2012
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    Default last minute reassurances, plse?

    im tired & redy to get off th merryground. i hve severe anxiety whn attempting to leave th house & must use a host of different rituals in order to do so. th problem is im on methadone maintenance & supposedly therapy but i hvnt been attending. im forced to leave th hse once a wk & am so filled w/self hate for all th obligations ive neglected, ppl ive disapointed. my life has fallen apart & i cant muster th energy to even care. ive decided to end my life. im almost ready, im jst wtng for some pharmaceuticals to come in. some might call it cowardly but i simply cannot wake up to another day of this. it literally hurts to breathe. im ok w/going & this might sound self pitying but is actually true, i kno quite factually my death will not greatly distress anyone, which is a relief @ this point. i used to b very upset w/my familys general apathy towards me now i find it a comfort as it makes this much easier. my only fear is that i might not succeed & will end up either permanently brain damaged or perhaps crippled. then >> truly b stuck here & unable to leave. i jst nd some reassurance that i cn hve a safe & painless passing, which is perhaps more than i deserve but i cnt go on like this any longer...

  2. #2
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Feb 2012
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    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
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    Quote Originally Posted by michou View Post
    im tired & redy to get off th merryground. i hve severe anxiety whn attempting to leave th house & must use a host of different rituals in order to do so. th problem is im on methadone maintenance & supposedly therapy but i hvnt been attending. im forced to leave th hse once a wk & am so filled w/self hate for all th obligations ive neglected, ppl ive disapointed. my life has fallen apart & i cant muster th energy to even care. ive decided to end my life. im almost ready, im jst wtng for some pharmaceuticals to come in. some might call it cowardly but i simply cannot wake up to another day of this. it literally hurts to breathe. im ok w/going & this might sound self pitying but is actually true, i kno quite factually my death will not greatly distress anyone, which is a relief @ this point. i used to b very upset w/my familys general apathy towards me now i find it a comfort as it makes this much easier. my only fear is that i might not succeed & will end up either permanently brain damaged or perhaps crippled. then >> truly b stuck here & unable to leave. i jst nd some reassurance that i cn hve a safe & painless passing, which is perhaps more than i deserve but i cnt go on like this any longer...
    Michou, Is that the answer? And leaving family and friends to ask why for the rest of their lives. I don't think it sounds like self pity, but, depression and fear. Fear of living can be a crippling experience and I know a way back Have thought it just took too much effort to go on. I was soooo wrong. There is help out there. When using the merry go round seems never ending, but it can and does. You said you quit therapy, might not have been a good move.
    I don't think you deserve pain, but it can be a great teacher. Do you deserve the self hate would be my question? And generally that answer is no . We are much harder on ourselves than we should be or anyone else ever is. We can't see the good that is there, and it is good in there. Take my word friend I have known genuinely bad people, you don't qualify. Sometimes family is who we find that really care even though they are not blood related. I hope you change your mind, there is support care here God Bless Surfdog

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