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I've Lost My Kids and Need a Plan . . . and Some Advice.
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    Default I've Lost My Kids and Need a Plan . . . and Some Advice.

    If this post bothers or offends people or is in some way against the rules, let me know and I’ll remove it. If not, then I’m hoping someone might be willing to listen and offer some advice.

    Until last Thursday, I’d lived with the same man for eighteen years. He was nineteen when we met and I was twenty-four. I’m forty-two now and he’s thirty-six. He was married at the time we met, and I was engaged. Me and my female fiancée (yes, I’m a guy) had lived together for about six years until we broke up, which was about the same time that my partner’s wife divorced him. He had enlisted in the Marines and she was furious about that because they had a six-month-old son. She divorced him before he deployed.

    Anyway, to get to the point, stuff happened between us before he left, romantic stuff—a first for each of us with another guy—and we kept in touch after he left. I also saw him each time he was given leave. Then when he got out of the Marines it became impossible for us to live apart. We were already very much involved and ended up moving in together while he finished college and then medical school. I worked as a paralegal to help pay for it. It was an idyllic existence until several years later when we hit a snag and he ended up in a one night stand, getting a girl pregnant. He was given full custody of that child because the mother didn’t want it. We paid her a great deal of money to keep her from aborting the pregnancy. Then several years later his drug addicted sister got pregnant, and we (he) adopted that child, who was born with Down Syndrome. That little boy is perfect in my eyes, just incredibly kind and generous by nature in every way. He really is a miracle. So to recap, I’m forty-two, my partner is thirty-six and we have two children, one eleven and one six, and I’m a stay-at-home dad.

    I became addicted to hydrocodone back in the day when you could buy it off the internet. I’d had a fairly significant weightlifting accident, and when I ran out of pills, those internet doctors turned into my dealers. I tried so many times to quit but couldn’t, not without my partner realizing I was in withdrawal, and I couldn’t tell him because he absolutely HATED drugs. He was always coming home from the hospital with stories of drug seeking patients whose plans he’d foiled. That mindset actually wasn’t his fault--he just never understood what it’s like to be addicted, and I think that’s largely because of his sister. She caused so many problems for his family growing up, and her behavior resulted in a lot of anger for him over the years. Anyway, I took care of our kids, and dealing with withdrawal just didn’t factor into childcare. And the obvious truth, too, is that I loved the effects of the drug. I would never deny that. My partner is almost perfect in every way, and I’m . . . well, I’m not. I’m not as smart, not as witty, not as outgoing, and certainly not as good looking as he is, and I always felt inferior. The drugs quelled all those insecurities.

    For years I took TRUCK LOADS of the stuff; I mean, we’re talking 30 7.5’s a DAY. Even so, I was never obviously loopy. When my internet sources dried up and I couldn’t stop on my own, out of sheer desperation I went on methadone, and that stuff was miraculous, or so I thought. It controlled my anxiety and my withdrawal and my partner never knew. Plus, the stuff freakin’ worked. NEVER did I EVER take another pill. Not once in almost fifteen years of maintenance.

    The problem is that my partner found out a little over a month ago. He literally bumped into me at the clinic one morning, where I had monthly take-homes. And I had our six-year-old in tow. My partner was there as part of a continuing education seminar that was being hosted on the premises, and the fallout from seeing me was just ridiculously disastrous. Horrible doesn’t begin to describe it. And I know that he’s justified. I was wrong for not telling him. I wanted to, badly, over the years but I never knew how.

    He came in on Monday of last week and asked me to fly to Miami, just a forty minute flight from where we live, to talk to several addiction specialists about getting off the methadone. I’m only on 7 milligrams and have been working toward tapering, so I thought he was sending me off to talk about buprenorphine. He had appointments set up with three different doctors on three different days, and I was very grateful for his help. Other than angry outbursts, he hadn’t really spoken to me since he caught me, so I thought we were turning a corner. When I left he said, “I want you to go deal with this. I don’t want you worry about me or the kids. I don’t want you to even bother calling us. We'll be fine.” Well, after the first day I did call. I called a lot but never got an answer. Then Wednesday came and his cell phone was disconnected, as was the landline in my house. When I called his hospital, nurses I’d known for years wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t get a flight that late, so I rented a car and drove home. When I got there my house was empty. Aside from the few things that belonged to me, everything was gone--my kids’ beds, their clothes, his clothes, everything. There was also a letter from an attorney informing me that I had no legal ties to my kids; that my partner had moved out of the state; and that if I ever tried to contact him or his kids, he would file an injunction against me.

    All of this is just absolutely devastating to me on a level no one, not even I, can fully comprehend. It’s like it’s just too much pain for my brain to process. And to make it worse, there’s no one for me to go to, no one for me to tell, no one for me to ask what to do. Aside from my partner and my kids, I have no family whatsoever, and he was never comfortable with advertising our relationship, so I’ve never had any real friends. I know it isn’t ideal, but he and my kids have been my whole life.

    I’ve been sitting in an empty house since Thursday thinking he would change his mind, that just any minute he would walk through the door, kids in tow, and say that he’d made a mistake. Every noise, every car that drives by, every UPS delivery causes my heart to pound. And I haven’t been able to sleep because I’m so used to our six-year-old being in bed with me. Just as I’m about to drift off my body realizes that he isn’t there next to me, wrapped up in my arms, and I jerk back to consciousness thinking he’s gotten out of bed alone, or has fallen, or something. He's just six and he has Down's.

    I'm writing this because I have to have a plan. I’ve got to do something in spite of what the legal ramifications might be. I can’t make it without my kids. I just can’t. They’re used to me, and I’m so freaked out because I know that they're scared and confused and down-right panicked. Especially my six-year-old. They love my partner, but I’m their caregiver and always have been. He can’t practice and stay home with them, so he’s going to have to hire someone to take care of them, and that person will be a stranger.

    The bottom line is that I have to get off the methadone before I can do anything to try to get them back, or even talk my partner into letting me see them. And I have to be completely off of it, no obvious residual withdrawals that he could pick up on. So my question is this: If I switch to subs will that make my detox quicker? Easier? I’m on 7 milligrams of methadone now. About a year ago I got down to six, then got to five and went into full-blown withdrawal, so I went back up. I was reading about Karen’s detox and wondered if methadone could be done the same way, given that the half-life of methadone is so atrociously long.

    I apologize if I’ve upset anyone. I'm also sorry for the length of this. Like I said, I just need a plan . . . and an ear to tell what’s happened. I can’t really deal with it on my own.

    Thanks so much.

  2. #2
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Hello and welcome.

    I can't answer your question, but wanted you to know that I do care. I couldn't live with out my son. He is my entire world. I miss him even when he spends the night with my parents. I can feel your hurt and pain.

    There are lots of wise members here to give you some suggestions and idea. Hang in there as best you can and someone should be here soon for you. I did use methadone at times, but not enough to be that familiar with it. I just can't advise you right now.

    Again welcome and take care of yourself.

    Karen

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    I really appreciate your response, Karen. I've read this board so much lately that I feel like I know you. Everything in my head is just kind of slow for me right now, like I'm under water, and that's one of the reasons I reached out. I need help making the best decisions, and I don't really trust myself to do that on my own right now. Anyway, thank you again, and kudos to you on your sobriety. I'm honestly happy for you.
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    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by GibberishNonsense View Post
    I really appreciate your response, Karen. I've read this board so much lately that I feel like I know you. Everything in my head is just kind of slow for me right now, like I'm under water, and that's one of the reasons I reached out. I need help making the best decisions, and I don't really trust myself to do that on my own right now. Anyway, thank you again, and kudos to you on your sobriety. I'm honestly happy for you.
    I completely understand. But some very wise members here told me that the more you talk about it, the better you feel. So getting things out in the open here may offer you some relief. Not what you in the end desire, but just a hint of hopefully making you feel even the tinest bit better.

    Like I said, I can honestly feel your hurt and pain, and also know that I really do care. You're in a tough spot. I actually read your post twice and the second time had tears in my eyes.

    Keep posting your feelings. We care here about everyone. You'll see what I mean when others post to you. Very thoughtful and caring people here. I definitely couldn't have made it without them.

    Hugs,
    Karen
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    Thank you again, Karen. Seriously. Knowing that the majority of folks here are accepting helps a lot. I didn't want to offend anyone, you know? My situation isn't going to be universally accepted or even sympathized with, and I came close to posting under the guise of being female. But I realized that it was dishonesty that got me here, and there's no mistaking me for a woman, so I wanted to come clean. And the other thing too is that somehow I just found this place; I'm still not sure how, but it didn't quite feel right to tell a lie here.

    Something that kills me, just absolutely tears me up, is that I know I should probably toss the methadone I have and do this cold turkey . . . but I honestly don't know that I could, even with what's at stake. Not without a physical support system in place. Everything I've read about methadone withdrawal is that A) it's horrible and debilitating and B) that it lasts for months. I'm not sure I could take care of myself.

    Like I said, I need advice from those in the know. I'm sure it will come. In the meanwhile, please know how much I appreciate you. Truth be told, I actually do feel somewhat less alone right now.
    Last edited by GibberishNonsense; 08-13-2012 at 05:33 PM.

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    In a house that is almost totally empty, I just found a load of my kids' clothes in the dryer. I can't do this. It's just too awful and sad, and I'm not strong enough. I'm not.

    I have to get out of this house. Now. I'll come back in the daylight. It's just too upsetting at night.

  7. #7
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    I really wish that I could reach out and give you a hug right now. Believe me, there is nothing offensive in your post, so stop worrying about that. How are you doing this morning?

    Your partner's reaction seems very extreme to me. I'm not taking away his right to be furious, embaressed, feel betrayed or anything like that. Yes, you kept a big secret from him for a long time. And the way it came out was awful....I'm trying to picture what it must have felt like for him to see the two of you in that clinic...not good. But to send you away and just disappear?? He moved out of state? Can I ask, does this reaction surprise you? In his life does he usually make rash decisions, etc.? Is there a chance that he will cool down and contact you?

    I agree that you do need a plan in place. There are people on here that can talk to you about Methadone....I'm not familiar really, but from reading on here I do know that you can just quit CT, like with the shorter acting opiates. This place is a lifeline, and I hope that you keep posting, often. You'll get a ton of support and you need it right now. But for your situation, I think you should also speak to a Dr. or addiction counselor. After doing that I would find a family law attorney to have a consultation with. Bring the paperwork that your partner's attorney left you and explain the whole situation. See what they have to say. But you should go to the Dr. or Counselor FIRST and get a plan in place for tapering and getting clean. Because your going to have to explain to the attorney what happened, and it's going to go a long way for you to say "look, I'm already taking steps here". From the sounds of it you weren't the kids legal guardian....but you've been their primary caregiver so you need to find out what's what in your state.

    Don't give up hope....you are in your darkest hours right now, and you won't stay here forever. Please post again and let us know how you are doing today...

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Sense... Hang tough, and if I can give you one bit of advice to hold on to right now is.. This too shall Pass... I have had many many bad things happen to me as a resul of my choices and my addiction to Hydrocodone, oxcodone etc... The choices have lead to consequences and just have faith that through not using, you WILl come back stronger and be better off.. I know right now it might not seem like it, but it will. Remember this, have faith in the process... You cannot control the opinions and what others think, but what you CAN control is what YOU do from this point forward.. Use this thread as your journal and just keep posting. People will come on here and advise you and you will soon feel not so alone. When I went through it, I told no one and just had the people on here... So, Welcome to your new family. We care and will guide you the best we can. All my best, Reid
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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Sense Reid put it very well, we are here for you and will help in any way we can. There are those on here that have experience with methadone, I do not. I do fell for you and the important thing is you want to get clean. None of us are here to judge anyone else, I am certainly in no position to throw rocks at anyone.

    Pain is pain and we will do everything we can to help. As Reaid said keep posting we are here Dog

    WASUP REID !!
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    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    hey Sense,
    Sorry to hear about your predicament and I ditto what Reid as well as Dog said. I was just curious if you can get back to one of those places in Miami that you were going to? Obviously getting off the drug is very important but I do know that Miami does have a few great rehabs that you can stay at. Could you possibly go to one? They can assist you with more than getting sober. I would think your significant other should be capable of getting you help. At this time in your life, take that help and work from there. just my opinion....
    Good luck and we will be here for ya!
    Dee

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    WADDDDUP DAWG!!!! Been Traveling, but back now....

  12. #12
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by GibberishNonsense View Post
    In a house that is almost totally empty, I just found a load of my kids' clothes in the dryer. I can't do this. It's just too awful and sad, and I'm not strong enough. I'm not.

    I have to get out of this house. Now. I'll come back in the daylight. It's just too upsetting at night.
    You see how many others here REALLY DO CARE about you? And no one is going to judge you for ANYTHING you have, or haven't done. We don't care about who you really are, or anything that may be going on in your life. We just want to help anyway we can. You're a part of the "family" here now and that can be the very best feeling to you as it is to me.

    Hoping you are feeling much better today. If you can get free from that methadone you will probably be in better position to get back on track as Moon says. Taking steps now as she says, will look so much better when and if the time comes to go in front of any judge.

    I know that "Cheeky" here has lots of experience with the methadone and hopefully she will see your post about that and reply to you with suggestions for getting off of it?

    Keep posting your true feelings and use this as your "journal" as Reid suggests. I d othat with mine and go back and re-read the entire thing often. Amazes me how far I've come.

    Hope you are having a better go of it now. I look forward to your post today. Take care of yourself and talk to you again soon. Have a wonderful day.

    Hugs,
    Karen


    p.s. Hey Reid....welcome back!

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    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hi there- I'd like to point a couple things out that just JUMPED out at me from your story- one is you say HE is almost perfect in every way yet you are not. First of all- I hate the word PERFECT. He is far from perfect when he knocks up some woman who doesn't even want to keep her child. YOU paid for his education and took care of a chikd he fathered by someone else. I think that makes you a pretty amazing person. How much pressure can a person take??? Jeez- the fact that he tricked you into leaving and packed his bags makes him sound very manipulitive to me- and FAR from perfect.

    Not that I'm excusing it- but no wonder you used. You have probably pushed SO MUCH pain away and the drugs help you not to feel it. PLEASE stop seeing him as the "good" one and you as the "bad" one- cuz it's not true. We all have our faults- and he struck out in a viscious way IMO. YOU ARE WORTHY- and YOU ARE DECENT.

    I don't know about methadone but I do know about Subs- and I think you are far too fragile to try and jump. I think an addictionologist is in order here- and perhaps you can find another place to stay? That is tough- your story breaks my heart and I'm really pissed at your partner.

    Hope this isn't upsetting to you- just had to respond.

    You didn't deserve that.

    Hang in there- it will get better. I heard a saying "when you find yourself in Hell- keep going"- eventually you will get out. But you MUST see the very good and caring qualities that you have and know that you deserve better. I get that he was upset and I'm sure a worthy human being too- but his reaction is very extreme and says to me there is something going on with him as well. Don't put this all on you- it takes two.

    Ok- gonna stop now-

    Love,
    Dogluver

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    dogluver is offline Member
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    And you may have been "wrong" for not telling him (but why would you? I'm sure you knew on some level what his reaction would be- H*ll- I wouldn't have told him either! MOST os us don't tell on ourselves!) AND- he was wrong for cheating on you- so THERE! And I'm assuming he did that sober? I'm sorry- this story just makes my blood boil. Here you take on two children- one with Downs, pay for his education- and when you need help and understanding the most- he BAILS???
    I don't want you to hate him- but Pleeeease don't say he was "justified"- or if you do, see that you were justified also and make this an even playing field.
    You did a LOT for him (and I know you loved the kids) and he FREAKED.....and I'm hoping this gets him looking for help too. I'm thinking if he does, he may just come around.
    In the meantime- work on getting off the stuff and appreciating what YOU'VE been through- not just him.

    Ok- sorry...oooohhhh this just got me so revved up.

    Dogluver
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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by caughtagain View Post
    WADDDDUP DAWG!!!! Been Traveling, but back now....
    hey good tohave you back ans a woof to welcome you Dog
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    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hi again- I hope you come back- I am REALLY concerned about you. And don't hink cuz a lot of people read but don't post that it has anything to do with you- most ppl come on here first and "lurk"- so- come back and get thew support you need- Please?

    DL

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    I'm really grateful for everyone's concern, and I'm sorry for not acknowledging it before. I just had to get out of my house last night, and once I did, the idea of going back consumed me with panic. Our home used to be the most important place on earth for me, and now it's just an empty house with an echo. What was once a safe haven is . . . not to be overly dramatic but really hellish right now. I'm staying in a motel for a while. I just can't go back right now. There are too many Christmases, too many birthdays, too many "things" that have taken place in that house to see it empty. We built it from the ground up.

    Anyway, I'm going to get something to eat, but I have some news and want to update you guys, so I will when I get back. It's certainly nothing good, but I need to clarify some things about my partner, especially for Dogluver who's been very kind to me. All of you have been kind to me--Karen, Reid, LovesAnimals, each and every one of you who's responded, and I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

    I've never been this scared before, not in my entire life, and you've helped me. That's a huge thing, at least to me, so you should be pleased.

    I'll be back. And thanks again.
    Last edited by GibberishNonsense; 08-14-2012 at 05:51 PM.

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    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hi- ok- and I'm glad you're still here. I can totally understand why you can't stay in the house- makes perfect sense.
    Thanks for posting- I'm relieved. I know you must still be in a ton of pain though.

    Love,
    Dogluver

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    Again, thanks to everyone on here for the responses. You’ve all made a difference for me today and I’m very, very grateful.

    I called around town this morning to try to set up a consultation with a family law attorney, and it was more difficult than I expected. I was finally able to, but I think what followed suit dissuaded me from ever pursuing a career in law. After a bunch of weird insults (“You sure don’t seem gay . . . You don’t look gay either,” and my personal favorite: “So . . . you were the wife, right?”), I walked out with bad news and $250.00 less in my pocket.

    I have absolutely no legal standing when it comes to my kids. The fact that I was their primary caregiver, raised them from birth, etc., makes no difference whatsoever. My partner is their sole legal guardian in the eyes of the law, and until about two years ago, my state didn’t even allow gay adoption anyway, so it wouldn’t have made any difference. Plus, we were already set up so that if anything happened to my partner, the kids came to me. When the gay adoption ban was overturned, I should have taken some sort of action but didn’t. I would have never suspected that my failure to do that would impact my life in such a hugely profound way.

    You all should understand that none of this is in character for my partner. He’s VERY reasonable and isn’t prone at all to hasty decisions. The fact that this deals with drugs, though, makes it different. Now, if he’d caught me on my knees blowing the plumber that would’ve been a different story. He would have gotten over that, but not this. (That’s a weak attempt at humor. He’s been the first and last for the past eighteen years.) Anyway, his sister was an addict and stole from his parents and was in and out of jail her entire life, so his perception of drugs is solely of the skid row variety.

    When he caught me in the clinic and made such a scene, I kept telling him to go home and I’d meet him there so we could talk. He grabbed Oscar out of my arms and started screaming, “HAVE YOU TAKEN THAT STUFF THIS MORNING??? YOU’RE NOT DRIVING MY KIDS ANYWHERE ON THAT STUFF!” My god, it was so awful. He just lost it. My six-year-old was screaming and trying to get away from him, and my partner wouldn’t give him to me. The clinic staff was going nuts because my partner wasn’t supposed to be in plain view of the dosing line. In fact, had he gone in the correct door that morning, none of this would have happened. My clinic is still freaked that I’m going to sue them. I’m not, of course, and I even signed something to that effect, but they’re completely whacked out.

    I just don’t want anyone here to think that my partner is some ogre who’s forced me into indentured servitude over the last eighteen years. He isn’t, not at all, and we’ve always functioned as a unit with equal input. I had two years of college under my belt when my eleven-year-old came along, and our plan was that when he went into first grade I’d go back to school. But then my partner’s sister got pregnant and we didn’t want to see her abort it. When that little boy came into my life, it was magic all over again. I’d forgotten how great it was, that feeling of being responsible for a tiny little life. Once he got older I could have gone back to school at any time, but I didn’t want to. I chose to stay home, and my partner was happy with that. He certainly wasn’t happy about the money I’d spent on the methadone, though; I can promise you that. And who can blame him? $364.00 a month x fifteen years is a ton of money. He’s right—it would pay for our eleven year old’s college education. I went without a lot of things, though, over the years to try to make up for it.

    My partner isn’t perfect, and I know that, but he’s always been a fantastic, generous and kind man, and I know he’s hurting over this just as much as I am. He feels betrayed and he has every right. I think he’s going through that classic, “I never really knew you” feeling. He’s told me as much. I don’t think his actions are warranted, not by a long shot, but I do understand them, and they don’t make me love him any less. He’s doing what he thinks is best for our family. And Dogluver, his one night stand was a crazy nurse who chased him for a year before she cornered him in one of the hospital’s pharmacy dispensaries. He came home and immediately told me about it. He was really upset, as was I, but I understood. Being a tall, good looking, well-built cardiologist in your thirties tends to attract a lot of female employees in a hospital, and he wasn’t out at the time, so I think something quick and dirty up against the wall seemed like the path of least resistance. I’m not saying that it didn’t hurt me, but it was a long time ago. And I got my eleven-year-old out of it, so I can't really complain.

    Guys, thank you again, so much, for caring. I know you’re all wondering how someone can be forty-two and not have anyone in their lives other than their significant other and kids, but I don’t. Right now, there’s no one but you all, and I’m so grateful and appreciative for your help. I’m just hoping someone knowledgeable about methadone will chime in soon. I want to do a suboxone detox, but I don’t want to do it through my clinic or the Miami doctors. I want to try to do it through Robert’s method, but I think it has to be fine-tuned for methadone.

    Good night, and thank you again. You’ve made such a difference.
    Last edited by GibberishNonsense; 08-14-2012 at 10:51 PM.

  20. #20
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Start a thread in the need to talk section asking for Cheekysod she know both meth and subs if anyone can help you Cheeky can Sorry but I am not that knowledgeable about either and don'twant to give you wrong infor hang tight man we are here.

    Can't believe a lawyer said those things I have ceased to be amazed but continue to be apalled, sorry you had to hear that from a supposedly educated person. Dog
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  21. #21
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    I agree with DAWG on this one, and I am shocked as well... He could be lible for his remarks
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    Hey Surfdog and CaughtAgain . . .

    In defense of the lawyer I spoke to, I think she thought she was paying me a compliment. She said it in kind of a joking manner trying to make light of my situation, but she just kept digging herself in further and further. She knew she'd said something a little inappropriate, but she didn't know how to get herself out of it. It isn't the first time I've heard stuff like that. The idea that all gay men are out there wearing sparkly pink T shirts and twirling batons with tassels on them is a little dated. My partner was a Marine for god's sake and I played baseball in the minor leagues.

    Plus, man, it was hard for me to tell the story, you know? I got emotional and . . . I don't know, it was just hard for both of us, and she just didn't know how to respond.

    What's got me TOTALLY freaked out right now is that my partner's lawyer's office called me about ten minutes ago. An assistant said that the my partner had spoken to his attorney and that she wanted to talk to me. The assistant called to calendar a meeting with me, and I was like, "I'm on my way," and she was like, "No, it has to be scheduled and my attorney doesn't have any free time until Friday at four."

    I told her that I just couldn't wait, that my kids were gone, my partner was gone and I had to have some information. Then I got choked up and she said she'd get back to me before close of business today.

    I'm so worried, but at the same time I'm hopeful. I guess if it was something good though my partner would just pick up the phone and call me directly. I'm worried about my kids, I'm worried about my partner, I'm worried about myself. Maybe the attorney will give me a list of conditions or something under which I can see my kids. That's what I'm praying.
    Last edited by GibberishNonsense; 08-15-2012 at 01:03 PM.

  23. #23
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    And something else . . .

    Dogluver, you were like my very own Knight in Shining Armor yesterday, and don't think I ever expressed my gratitude to you for that. I'm mean, I'm here on this site baring my soul, and in a way it's everyone's job to be sympathetic to me, to listen and offer advice because I'm the one here, not my partner. All the things you said about him are true, and I know that. I did a lot for him, especially financially, because I worked two jobs Monday through Friday and another on the weekends just to keep us above water. He had to take a student loans, too, but they were significantly less than what they would have been without me. And the infidelity really did hurt me a lot. It did, and I shouldn't have tried to minimize that yesterday when I posted.

    I just wanted you to know how grateful I am to you for responding and taking my side. I could tell from your posts that you were sincere and I am so grateful to you for that. -- Sam
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  24. #24
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    I hope you didn't misunderstand anything I said earlier, Dogluver. You're like my very own guardian angel. In fact, there seem to be a lot of them around here.

    My six year old once asked me how many guardian angels there were, and I told him that according to the Talmud, a whole lot. It claims that “Every last blade of grass in the universe has its very own angel that bends over it from the time it first sprouts and whispers, 'Grow, grow.'”

    You've been just like that, excepting you've done better--you've been SHOUTING words of encouragmen, all of you have, and I sure do thank you.

    -- Sam
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  25. #25
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Sam I will take your word for it. We all are empathetic to your situation. It just shows again this didesase doesn't care who it afflicts. I support what your trying to do just remember sobriety has got to come first or it will continue to take from you.

    Use this pain constructively as motivation to get clean. Remember this pain and never forget it, it very well may save your life. I not being a hard case but I've never seen anyone want to get clean because of still having a good time. Pain motivates us when nothing else will. I really anm not being men. Just an addcit hurting and wanting to get better. Pain is very subjective God I pray this is enouhg to sasve your life and let you fianally live instead of survive We're here man Dog

    PS can't type for s#@$ !!!!

  26. #26
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Well said DAWG!
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  27. #27
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hi Sam- I'm glad you signed your name- I didn't want to call you Gibberish!
    Wow- thanks for saying those things- I was a little concerned that I got so angry but I just get so upset when I see something "unjust". I know he's upset- but I get worried when people (especially addicts) seem to feel unworthy- ya know? You've worked hard in that relationship and there's a reason you used...and I just didn't want to see you put yourself totally on the hook. Being responsible for our choices is important- but he's responsible too. That's where I was coming from- and I know you're a good person- I could really feel your pain. And I really hope when your partner calms down he'll see that he needs to keep his family together- I'm wishing the best for you with the attorney. Thanks for the update...I'm pulling for you, your kids and yes- even your partner
    Dogluver

  28. #28
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Sam,

    I am also very glad you signed with your first name. Makes things a little more personal in my opinion. Like I told you on my thread, I've read your thread many times and it gets more difficult each and every time. I can tell you this much....if my son was ever "taken" from me I would be in a nut house. Or maybe even worse than that. He is my ENTIRE life and his well-being comes before everything else. I wouldn't want to live without him in my life!

    So I do understand where you're cominmg from in your own case. Dogluver is very wise, and a very good friend of mine. She actually saved my hiney right here a few days ago with her amazing post to me personally. She spells it out exactly how I also feel about your situation. I was going to try and put into words my feelings about your case, but in no way could I ever say it any better than she did. I feel as Dogluver feels, actually upsets me more than anything, at the same time my feel for your hurt is so real.

    You promised me that we together would try and keep moving forward and I keep my promises. I fully agree with the others about getting free from that Methadone. Might make the every difference in the outcome of things. Bet it will in fact!

    Just want you to know that I am here for you as is the others. Hopefully the situation will improve real soon. I can also promise you that you and your family will remain in my prayers. That's one thing I do very well. Just know we all so care very much!

    Have a wonderful day,
    Karen

    p.s. I meant to let up on ourselves also of course!
    Last edited by Strong Desire; 08-15-2012 at 03:32 PM.
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  29. #29
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    See, here's the thing . . . and it's a question of sorts, too.

    After that first does of methadone almost fifteen years ago, I never even THOUGHT about drugs again. Seriously. I didn't crave them at all and after a few weeks I didn't even miss the euphoria. Over the years I've had to have hernia surgery, four dental implants placed, and a tendon repaired from my baseball days, but each and every time I've declined any narcotics.

    The tendon thing hurt like a b*tch, but I got through it.

    And it honestly wasn't even a struggle to turn those drugs down. Not at all. I never even thought twice about it. In fact, it was like someone with an allergy being offfered shellfish and saying, "No thank you, I'm allergic. The idea of my throat closing up and suffocating me isn't really appealing." I knew that drugs would do the same thing to me, just not as quick. And, too, in my head I just didn't need them. My mind told me that they were forbidden, contra-indicated even because of the methadone, and I accepted that.

    So when you guys talk about cravings, are you talking about being in active withdrawal and craving drugs to alleviate the pain you're in? Or are you talking about just really wanting to experience the euphoria after you've gotten over the physical aspect?

    I haven't wanted to pop pills in forever. Is that normal?
    Last edited by GibberishNonsense; 08-15-2012 at 03:59 PM.

  30. #30
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Both of them the physical addiction is what grabbed a hold Dog

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