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Its time...help please!!!
  1. #1
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Default Its time...help please!!!

    Well its finally time...where do I start? I am a 47 yr old father of a wonderful 5 yr old son. That alone is enough to make me want to clean up my life. I have been chomping pain meds for 10 years. The first 7 years just recreationally whenever I could find them. My 1st wife got me started as we would pop a couple and have a bottle of wine...gave us the great warm fuzzies & made whatever was on TV excellent. I really used to wait until 8pm to take a couple and stayed that course for years. Until 3 years ago when a medical issue caused my Dr to write me for 240 monthly of the 10-325 percs. Wow....how lucky I thought I was at the time. Well it didnt take long to go from taking 2 to chewing up 5 or 6 at a time several times a day. This has gone on for 3 years. A few months ago he cut me to 120 a month...man that sucked....then he suddenly stopped me cold and said I needed to visit a pain manangement place. So I did...they wrote me for 60 oxycontin 30's per month and 60 perc 10-325 to take between my supposed every 12 hr doses of the oxy. When I was getting the 240 per month I couldn't even make that many last a month & would more often than not end up buying more on the street. This has cost me so much in my life....family, friends...not to mention most anything I owned of value is gone...jewelry, guns...heck I even once loaded up a bumch of my sons toys that I convinced myself that he didnt need and sold them to the 2nd hand shop. If thats not the lowest of low then I don't know what is. Cost me my 2nd wife, mother of my son, she left me over money issues plus she knew about my pill problem & did not approve one tiny bit. I love her so much...her leaving me has pretty much desroyed my life. Sorry for unloading all this but wanted to share my full story. So fast forward to current...the 60 oxycontin 30's & the 60 perc 10-325's didnt last two weeks. Last month I managed to find a few on the street but still had a huge 10 day window before my refill. So with the help of lurking and reading this forum I managed to jump off cold turkey....man the wd's were horrid...for about 4 days I was hot, cold, kicking legs, the runs, no energy whatsoever....had to pep talk myself just to get up and walk 20 feet to the bathroom. Around day 5 things lifted a bit and I felt better. Day 10 it was refill time and I was weak. Promised myself that I would make them last this month.....well not even 2 weeks this time. So with no current street sources, here I am DAY 2. I was able to taper down to one oxy a day for about a week then a half for a couple days until my stash ran out. Not sure why but the wd's are not nearly as bad this time...is it because I was clean for 10 days a couple weeks ago? I don't know...but I am not nearly as sick as I was. Thanks to what I learned on this fine forum I have & use advil, benedryl, and the lopermide....all working well so far to fight off my discomfort. I really don't understand why my wd's are not nearly as bad this time? I was sick as death with wd's a couple weeks ago...this time not nearly as bad so far...thank goodness! I took my last half of oxy early sunday so I am about to finish up day 2 going cold turkey. I just joined this forum for the support. I really LOVE to hear how much better life is without pills....right now its just depressing and I feel I will never be happy again. Hearing how happy those of you that have quit are really shows me the light at the end of the tunnel. Also...and very importantly...the pain clinic called at 8am this morning and wanted me to come in for a pill count...of course I didnt go & they called back at 5pm and this time I didnt answer. So it looks as though I have burned the bridge to my last pill source....no worries now about me showing up on refill day. Thanks in advance for your support...I honestly couldn't do this without this forum that has taught me so much...THANK YOU! I have my laptop 24/7 so I will be happy to update my journey. Looking forward to waking up Day 3.
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  2. #2
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Hi Quitting...

    Wow, I am sorry you are going through this. I think many of us understand the whole chained to the pills thing and not having enough pills, and getting sick. It is an UGLY cycle to be caught in and SO miserable an experience.

    So you are kind of in forced cold turkey right now? I think there are things you can do that make it a little less uncomfortable, but I think that there is no way to do it painlessly. That said, I think there are various things that help with it - though others may know better than I do and will be better able to guide you on that.

    So are you hoping to really quit this now? f you are, then perhaps you could considered AA or NA, as that will help give you some tools and a path to long term recovery. These pills are in the world and I think that beyond the physical part, there is the never going back, finding a new way to live part that will keep you off long term. Just a thought as it has helped many, many people.

    Anyway, people here are very supportive, so it is a good place to come talk...

    I hope you make it and get clean and everyone here will try to help with that as much as they can.

    Lisa

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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks Lisa! You are correct...in a definate forced ct. Its ok though as I REALLY want to stop the cycle and try to find life again. So tired of seeing others, say at the grocery, and wonder why they look so happy or why they have so much energy. I think I'm handling the wd's pretty well right now...the worst is my legs. They feel as though they arent mine....really weak and hard to walk...stairs are my enemy. Even last month on day 10 it seemed so hard to walk. Feels very much like when you are confined to a hospital bed for 2 or 3 weeks then suddenly they release you and you can barely stand to get dressed & impossible to walk to the parking lot.
    Thank you for the kind words and support. Right now I'm just enjoying the MLB allstar game with a couple glasses of merlot to take the edge off until the sandman visits.

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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    3am and I am wide awake & kicking the >>>> out of the sheets.

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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Finally got some sleep about 4am til 9am. Hello DAY 3!!!!

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    Good for you on Day 3 . Im on day 3 too. But my 7 year daily use is a much lower dose than yours. When I see the high doses that folks here get into it is so scary. I don't think I could make it off a high dose habit of these pils. Mine is hydrocodone. I have got clean three or four times in the last seven years . But I always start using again. I have always resisted AA or Na but it may be the answer for us both. I got clean for 75 days once and it was amazing. The fog lifted ever so slightly after about five days . Then I started getting flashbacks of who I used to be seven years ago before I ever knew what pain pills were. My thinking became so much more clear. I missed those rushes of euphoria and bursts of energy I used to get from the pills . But I didn't miss the ups and downs of energy level as the pills would wear off. Its a roller coaster ride of emotion and it screws up our brain chemistry . When I was clean for a month it was hard to accept the loss of the euphoria and energy from the pills. But it was nice not to get so tired in the middle of the day when I needed a pill. Its SLAVERY pure and simple. So when we get clean it then becomes a journey to accept life on a more even keel. its worth it just to have that clarity of thinking back. EXAMPLE , when I use I can go out for a walk etc. and sort of have tunnel vision. Not really taking in my surroundings. When Im clean , I can laugh at things I see and my brain is clear . The narcotics numb not only my painful joints but my precious brain . It takes away the pain at the price of taking away my alertness. Its amazing how we forget what it really feels like to be truly alert . Its so worth it my friend . We are both on day 3 . Get an attitude against these pills and take your life back . Tell your brain , we can do this , we can clean our bodies from this and be free .
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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Flats congrats on your day 3! I know I am feeling proud about my day 3. You are correct...no worries here though as I definately have an attitude against the pills. So tired of the constant worry about having enough plus all that they have cost me. I want a new me...a clean & healthy me...for me and my son. Been watching some of the intervention shows and I find great hope in how bright & happy many of them are after they are clean. I so want that too! Right now I'd settle for some energy as I just don't want to leave the recliner. I keep looking outside at a beautiful day and thinking I should get up & go for a walk or something. My son is here today & he is begging me to take him outside so he can ride his bike but I just can't find the energy. I feel ok as long as I lay here & don't move...but when I stand my legs feel horrible...like bags of sand that I can barely move. I am going up my stairs like a 90yr old man. Hoping things are better by the weekend. Thank you for your post Flats...nice to have someone at the same place of this journey.

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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Managed to make it outside for a while this afternoon so my son could ride his bike. Still feel like blah...barely enough energy to lift my head. No way I am going back down that road but missing that warm fuzzy feeling.
    Flats...how are you feeling today?

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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Hello hello...anyone out there? Guess I'll be my own support group. After reading so many post about how exercise helps, I pep talked myself into just walking down to the corner. Made it to the corner and then went all the way around the block...probably only a mile or so total but with a couple solid hills. I feel thats quite a feat for me considering how weak my legs feel...I had to keep forcing them one foot in front of the other. Coming to the end of DAY 3 and feeling a little better about myself.

  10. #10
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Hi Quitting! WEll I can relate to that... I remember when I was taking pills and would be on too low a dose or had to go without for a short time I would go to work and look out the window of the bus and see all the normal people walking and happy and doing physical stuff and feel SO abnormal and disconnected.... It is HARD to get through the physical stuff.

    The good news is that it is temporary... and gets better. The thing is though, if you had pills again, would you be able to flush them? That is the really tough part! Hopefully though, this experience will underscore how awful this stuff really is and help you keep clean... But when the worst has past (since right now I think getting through the physical part is the big mission) you might want to think about what kind of coping mechanisms you can surround yourself with to give you a way to keep on track - to help you keep your resolve. I think this forum helps - reading stories... and as i said I am being helped by AA a lot... Don't know what would work for you...

    Hang in there my friend!!! You are doing GREAT!!!You can do this! I know it hurts, but you will get through it!

    Hope you are well.
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  11. #11
    whatsinaname is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Quitting,

    Welcome to the forum. congrats on day 3!! Things should start getting s little better each day for you. That's awesome that you are getting some exercise in. That will be a huge help to you!!!!
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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Hello DAY 4!!! First let me say thank you to Lisa & whatsin for their support. I guess I feel a little better today. i think the walk last night indeed helped as my legs don't feel quite as bad. I'm either going on another walk this evening or may put some air in my bike tires and go for a ride. Haven't been on my bike in so long. While I know I am doing the right thing here...and I am so very proud of myself for having the strength to beat this....I still can't shake this depressed unhappy feeling. Even the TV shows I normally enjoy seem just blah now. I have this horrid feeling that I can't be happy without that warm fuzzy feeling...man how happy I used to be when I'd chew up 5 or 6 percs. I will be so happy when this depressing haze lifts. I keep reading how happy everyone is clean and how much better they feel....I so want that!!!!

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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Still feeling very tired today. Managed to go downstairs and make me a decent breakfast this morning and was leaning on the counter I was so tired waiting on the food to cook. Seemed to have a case of the shakes or trembles too for some reason...was shaking so bad the food kept falling off my fork. Its calmed now though as I have been kicked back relaxing watching the NFL channel all morning. About to get dressed and take my son out for a pizza lunch. We will see how I feel getting out and being a little more active.
    Flats & IcJoe...hope you guys are feeling well on day 4 as well!

  14. #14
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    Man , I feel for you more than you know. Dude , I am in no position to preach since I am an addict and struggle to stay clean. But I will try to give you what works for me when I get clean. In a very short time. maybe even today . You will start to get what I call ( brain zaps of clarity ) . Out of the blue you will feel like the fog has lifted and the world seems happier . At first it only lasts for a few mins. , then with each passing day the clarity lasts a little longer. Use those temporary moments of well being to spur you on. That's the prize if you hang on and work the plan. You can be the person you were before your obsession with pills. Your brain has become dependent on artificial stimulation and has stopped making its own . It will start to produce those feelings soon . But the opiates have to leave your system and some time is needed for the brain to do its own thing . Right now its looking for that boost from chemicals. You just stand strong and say not today. Eventually your brain will make its own chemicals and you wont be in a fog. Even when your buzzing on pills and feel tremendous , your really in a fog . The best part of clean time for me is feeling free again. Not holding to any pills for my happiness. It robs us of self esteem and makes us feel inferior to others. That's why you see others as normal and happy . You will be normal and happy soon enough. Its amazing how clear I can think after a few weeks clean . Its the best place in the world to be. Your on your way . Takes 5 to 10 days to get it ALL out of your system. But even now you are amazing. Three years of gobbling pills and now you are on Day 4 clean. You worked so hard to get to this point . Don't ever let it get you again . Your saving your life . Soon you will have all the energy you need to go outside and play with your Son . You will have a clear mind and you will be able to give to others and all that stuff in life we miss when we get strung out. Good luck and drop by my thread too.
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    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Flats I so look forward to my brain clearing up & getting your zaps. Got out & took my boy to lunch and ran a couple errands...still in a hazy fog...just depressed & sad. Had to force myself to get out of the truck and walk into a store. My legs feel like cinder blocks. Forcing myself to ride my bike tonight. If exercise helps...exercise I shall. Can't wait to get my energy back & feel happy. Thanks so much for your support Flats!

  16. #16
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    Man I feel your pain. The world goes on out there without us when we are in this state. Im going to an AA mtg. in a couple of hours. I have to get and STAY off these darn pills . Lets save our lives and do EVERYTHING we can to stay clean. STAY IN THERE . The fog you are feeling is from your brain chemistry all run amuck . In a week or two I promise you will not feel as bad. Right now you have taken the chemicals away and your brain is looking for the opiates. Our brains don't start making them on there own while we are using. Then when we stop we feel awful. Depressed low energy etc. but with more time your brain will produce these chemicals on their own. Remember , first its the physical WD symptoms . Then we have to be a little patient for sleep and well being to come back . But it will come back with only two things needed. Time and staying off the pills. Those are the two things needed right now. Your Son deserves his Dad back and you deserve your life back . Dude your 4 days off pills . Ride that high as long as it will take you. Then think about some life changes to finish the journey. Your story is typical of addicts here. Your four days into changing all that and being a regular guy living a regular life . Its a good thing and your doing it .
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  17. #17
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Hi Quitting... Wow, it sounds really nasty. But the good news is you are hanging in there - you are also getting out and doing things and taking care of yourself, so you are doing GREAT! I remember going through this and was bed bound for a while... ANyway, I thik just about EVERYONE here has been there! So you have lots of sympathy that's for sure!

    I think exercise will help actually... It won't make it go away , but I hae heard it helps your body get whatever is left in your system out faster, and just generally I think the endorphines it releases will help with mood and energy.

    Keep at this! You can do this.. Try to keep your mood up as much as possible too... Post here if you really are feeling low too!

    Hope you are well!
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  18. #18
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Well I did it...actually over did it. Took my bike out for a ride tonight. Haven't been on it in years it seems. To start out I am totally out of shape now...I get out of breath walking to the mailbox. I still have that blah feeling and absolutely zero energy so it took some real "want it bad" to actually throw my leg over the bike and start to peddle up the road. Keep in mind my legs still feel like they each have 10 wet towels wrapped around them. Halfway around my block and hit the first serious hill...almost died before I got to the top. It was bad enough walking up it last night...much harder on the bike. Made it to the top & was huffing & puffing like I was near death...may of been. Had to stop at the top for a few minutes to catch my breath & fought off all the voices in my head telling me I should go back home before I have a heart attack. Sucked it up and kept going...made it out of my neighborhood and went about 3 miles up the road to the shopping center...several times thinking "well if I fall over here surely someone driving by will call 911"....seriously. A few laps around the shopping center and I was really feeling spent so time to head for home. A bit easier ride home as its more down hill thank goodness. When I walked through my door I hit the floor and my legs were just quivering...couldn't stand up or do anything for an hour...just layed there sweating. Definately overdid it. Too much for someone in my condition...plus the fact I'm just on day 4. Think I may walk tomorrow...or put my bike in the truck & drive to a more flat area to ride.
    Lisa I hope this ride released those endorphines....again, thank you for your support.
    Flats...tomorrow is DAY 5 for us my friend!!!
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  19. #19
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    ha ha ha ha ha!! THanks quitting! That made me laugh! You are so GREAT!

    WOW, I am VERY impressed!!!! You are dealing with this REALLY well and actually managed to get exercise - despite the (very funny) challenge that poses!

    What a great attitude you have! Really, I love it!

    Thanks for posting on my thread too!!! I answered you there.

    I have had some seriously out of shape periods in my life, but it is amazing how the body can adapt! So keep at it my friend - that (like withdrawal) will get easier and easier... It really does help I think. Careful not to go too far too fast though .. we don't want you to get an injury and, as funny as that was, I think it is best to ease into it my friend! Certainly don't want you injured for my entertainment... though that was very funny to read about, and I could relate to that!!! So thank you for the vicarious endorphines and keep it up if you can!

    Keep posting so I can see how you are doing, please.

    Hope you are well!
    Last edited by lisainnyc; 07-18-2013 at 10:26 PM.
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    Day Five for you , me too. Your bike story was too funny. Lisa was so right , don't overdo it . I twisted a muscle in my stomach at the Y and had to take a day off exercise yesterday and today . I did manage to get in the steam room and sweat out a bunch of the >>>> in my system. I highly recommend steam room therapy when going through WD. Im really happy for you . You have lost a lot in the past. But your 47 and have your whole life ahead of you. Your five days clean . You don't take pills. Your getting exercise. Your thinking about getting healthy. Man o man , think about where you were a month ago. keep going forward my friend. Its one day at a time. But five days is remarkable. Day one is the hardest place to be and your all through with that. I went to an AA meeting last night , first time ever. I plan on going once a week so I can remember that I cant ever use again. I cant take even one pill for legitimate pain. Its just not an option. I suspect its the same for you . Try to imagine a world where there were no pills . You would be just fine . Now we know there are pills in the world , so what do we do ? For me , Im going to meetings . Its the only thing I haven't tried . I feel so good for you and what your doing. You lost enough and now its time to start winning.

  21. #21
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Hello DAY 5 !!! Got absolute zero sleep last night but still manage to feel pretty well overall today. This is the best day my legs have felt so I guess they are slowly but surely returning to normal. Still feel pretty blah mentally...hoping the brain haze will lift a bit this weekend. Still no energy either. Think I will treat myself to dinner & a movie this weekend. Five days and no pain pills...feeling so proud about that. I will say it is nice to get up and make it through the day without having to take pills just to feel even normal. I will put my life back together!!!!

  22. #22
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by flatsman444 View Post
    Day Five for you , me too. Your bike story was too funny. Lisa was so right , don't overdo it . I twisted a muscle in my stomach at the Y and had to take a day off exercise yesterday and today . I did manage to get in the steam room and sweat out a bunch of the >>>> in my system. I highly recommend steam room therapy when going through WD. Im really happy for you . You have lost a lot in the past. But your 47 and have your whole life ahead of you. Your five days clean . You don't take pills. Your getting exercise. Your thinking about getting healthy. Man o man , think about where you were a month ago. keep going forward my friend. Its one day at a time. But five days is remarkable. Day one is the hardest place to be and your all through with that. I went to an AA meeting last night , first time ever. I plan on going once a week so I can remember that I cant ever use again. I cant take even one pill for legitimate pain. Its just not an option. I suspect its the same for you . Try to imagine a world where there were no pills . You would be just fine . Now we know there are pills in the world , so what do we do ? For me , Im going to meetings . Its the only thing I haven't tried . I feel so good for you and what your doing. You lost enough and now its time to start winning.
    Good day 5 to you my friend! You & Lisa are indeed correct...I will be a bit more cautious. So looking forward to being clear headed, happy, and feeling normal. Nice to be getting my legs back under me. Fairly recently I had a serious medical issue and spent several weeks in the hospital. They had so much stuff hooked up to me I couldn't even stand up. So I spent several weeks flat on my back. When they released me I couldn't walk 2 feet to get in the wheelchair. Been home & heavy on the pills ever since so I guess my legs have been out of whack for a bit now. They would only feel somewhat normal after I had munched a bunch. Without pills I honestly didn't have it in me to walk through the grocery. So so very nice to shake all that! I even had a short chat with my ex last night & told her about my being clean & sober now. She was very much like "yeah yeah yeah...heard it all before". I even told her about this forum & sent her a link. At least she is now aware that I claim to be changing...now I just hope & pray she will be able to see it with her own eyes. Flats you are right...I have lost enough its time to start winning.
    Hope everyone has a wonderful friday!

  23. #23
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Hi Quitting! I love that you are positive about this... So you feel better today? I would not have been surprised if you were a little achy after the endurance test you put yourself through yesterday! I have had little get fit spurts in my life where I overdid it when I was out of shape too. I used to struggle with my weight a little bit - always going up and down by 10 pounds, even before all the addiction stuff and would launch get fit periods where I over did it at first when I was so eager to get down to my normal weight- so I know that feeling. When in doubt, I always just walk - hard to go wrong with that, and I think it is a great way to build up to being able to do more stuff... Especially as you say you had a serious medical problem recently, then walking, or something gentle like that may be good.

    Hmmm... the ex thing. Sounds like you still care about her a lot and are friends? My best friend is an ex, but he didn't know about my addiction - though I think a lot of people were starting to realize something odd was going on with me, but not exactly what it was. I have been pretty secretive about it. So I don't really have the experience of dealing with someone in my life in the way you describe. But , you know, the way I think of it is that time really is the determiner of all things - at least that is what I have found. You are doing all you can, and it is really hard, as we all know... if you can't convince her of that, I think you can show her in time and I think you really will. You are a really sweet and genuine person, and you are working on a really hard thing right now and doing well and are so committed. I am sure she will see it in time, as you get further along in this battle. Flatsman is right! You are making progress and doing everything you can. I have to say that has really been impressive to me, and encouraging, that from the start your attitude has seemed to be that you are open to anything you need to do and committed to getting through it... That is SO great and you will get there! I really believe that the people in your life will see it too in time.

    So I think you have a lot to be proud about. And I am proud of you! So hang in there my friend!

    Let me know how it goes. Hope you are well!!

  24. #24
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Hey Lisa...yes I was surprised too but actually today is the best my legs have felt. Have actually noticed several times I was walking today without having to think & focus on moving my legs. If they have improved this much after only 5 days then i should be normal feeling & strong in the upcoming month or two. My weight is actually ok right now for the 1st time in years...but only thanks to my hospital stay. They had so many antibiotics running into me that it gave me horrible sores in my mouth...like i had been burned with a branding iron. Couldn't eat anything for weeks...not even plain yogurt or ice cream....they burned like they were full of salt. One of the most horrible things I have ever been through. After a month of not eating I finally healed enough that they gave me liquid lidocaine to rinse with & numb my mouth were I could eat a few things. Anyway...I was 250lbs when I went into the hospital...came home at 185lbs. Was so proud to be at my high school weight that I have worked a bit to stay there. Basically zero exercise & just quit eating so much....no more pre-dinner whoppers & big macs for me. As for my ex...lord yes I still care about her....I still love her even though she has been beyond cold to me for a long time. I really understand though...like she said AGAIN yesterday, she quickly grew tired of coming home and finding me passed out drooling on myself as our son played by himself in the floor in front of me. I get cold chills now when I think about it. Blessed with a gorgeous wife that looked like she walked off the cover of a glamour magazine and a wonderful baby boy...and I chose the pills & managed to F' it all up. I am truly lucky she still even speaks to me. Like you mentioned...I think the only thing that may help is just to continue to show her a clean me over a long period of time...and plenty of prayers. Hope you are having a good friday. Been my best day this week. Took my 5yr old for a mexican lunch today because he wanted a "res-ront wit chips"...he loved it & we had a great time. Thank you again so very much for all your kind words & support...I hope you have a great weekend. I know I'll be happy to get through it and then have a solid clean week under my belt. God bless!
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  25. #25
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Hi Quitting,

    WOW that is a big weight loss!! You must have really been sick! I am sorry to hear that you went through that. The weight loss is a consolation I guess, but wish you hadn't had to go through that to get there. You are clearly a really strong person that you can look at the bright side of it. I have never been sick like that before, and I moan non-stop when I get a cold! Actually, the complaining tendency probably was part of what lead to my getting addicted... I was adamant with my doctor that I would not tolerate any pain at all when I had an injury... If only I knew the pain that would come from that demand... Anyway, I can't imagine going through being that sick... You have a lot to be proud of!

    Did I hear you right? "pre-dinner big whoppers and big macs"? ha ha ha ha... sorry, but somehow that is very funny to me... I can relate. Not with pre-dinner whoppers and big macs, but I have been known to call bag of m&ms and a snicker bar an "apetizer"... Ha ha ha... Yes, best to change our ways I think and not go down that path. I hate it when I start to plump up. Largely because I have to wear business clothes for my job and it really gets uncomfortable and looks terrible - not to mention what it does to mood and my self esteem...Plus in NYC you end up walking a lot and climbing stairs in the subway, etc, and it is a lot more draining when I am out of shape and carrying extra weight. I have tried to give up that kind of treats as a regular routine, and have a pre-dinner apple or something instead... Losing weight is a nuisance - best not to gain it, I think. So keep at it!

    Wow, the story of your family and what happened is sad... made me want to give you a hug. You have my sympathy! I think a lot of people on these forums can say the same - that their lives got messed up in some big way because of the drugs... I know mine was heading down that path, and I did a lot of things that were really, well, I was stupid and made mistakes. But you know, it sounds like the thing that brought you together in the first place, the love you have for your wife and son are still there. I know it sounds like a cliche, but where there is life there is hope... You are still around, you are still you, still the person they loved, and so maybe if you get cleaned up and stick with this things could improve. I bet they will once you have gotten through this. And the great part is that they are still in your life, and it isn't all lost, and there is hope and you are SO committed to this and really seem to be doing all the right things.

    I have messed up my life before in some major ways - even before I had any addiction issues... And I remember that feeling of "oh how could I have done this!!!" and wanting to put it back to what it was right away. I got through it though, and in the end, things settled somehow. I am thinking about major things like breakups or quitting a job out of anger or huge falling outs with friends. Everyone messes up sometimes in life I guess.... I don't claim to have all the answers or to be some wise sage, but the one thing i do know from my own experience is that time does heal things, and usually things go to some place that is good and right and meant to be. And you can't undo what happened, but you can move forward in a positive way, and you are doing that. You love them. You are working on your problem. They are in your life still and care about you. So there is always hope, I think, and in time I bet things will get better... and also, I bet it is real motivation for you to take care of yourself, to get this turned around and be there for them. You will get that one week of being clean under your belt... I can tell.. and then another and another!

    Well, thank you for sharing all that... You are doing great!!! And it sounds like it is just getting better and better each day for you! I am happy for you and you should be proud of what you are doing!

    Oh, your son sounds adorable, by the way!

    Ok, should get a shower soon, I think... it is SO hot here! I am getting together with a friend tonight so better make myself presentable soon....
    Last edited by lisainnyc; 07-19-2013 at 04:57 PM.
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  26. #26
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Well just went and dropped my son off with his mom for the weekend. Driving home I get this overwhelming nervous feeling as I realize I will be alone all weekend & will be the first weekend in many years I've spent clean with no access to pills. As I sit here now my chest is tight & heart is racing and feel I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Don't know if I should sit here in this empty house or get out & do something. Man do I hate this feeling.

  27. #27
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Quitting! Oh no... Ok, don't panic! It is going to be ok. I am SO sorry you are feeling rotten right now. I am not sure what the best thing to do is. Ok, let's think about it.. You say it is the first weekend alone with no pills. Well, the last thing we want is for you to freak out and be unhappy, etc.. So maybe the thing to do now is mix it up... Do something different than the regular weekend routine? So that you are not having that "first time with no pills all alone" feeling. Maybe go out and see a movie? Any movie- just to do soemthing different... Or go to some place you haven't been? Do you have a friend (not one connected to drug use, obviously) you can call and maybe go do some activity... Or maybe you could go shopping, or golf or swimming or ... Sorry - I am not sure what things might be good distractions/positive acitivities for you... But that is all I can think of that might offer some relief... So maybe you can give that some thought?

    OTherwise, you can also stay here- read threads... post, talk to people. You are NOT alone..

    I have to go out in a little while, but I will be around later and tomorrow...

    Hang in there! You can get through this!!!
    Last edited by lisainnyc; 07-19-2013 at 05:40 PM.

  28. #28
    lisainnyc is offline Banned
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    Hey quitting...

    I have to leave soon to meet up with a friend. I will be back later though and if you post anything I will reply, if you need to talk.

    I know this can feel so overwhelming and so lonely... You have friends here, and we are all in the same boat. You are tough stuff and doing well, so remember that too...

    Anway, I hope you get through this rough patch and feel a bit better... Wish I could do more.

    Hang in there my friend!

  29. #29
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lisainnyc View Post
    Hey quitting...

    I have to leave soon to meet up with a friend. I will be back later though and if you post anything I will reply, if you need to talk.

    I know this can feel so overwhelming and so lonely... You have friends here, and we are all in the same boat. You are tough stuff and doing well, so remember that too...

    Anway, I hope you get through this rough patch and feel a bit better... Wish I could do more.

    Hang in there my friend!
    Thanks so much for being there Lisa. Sadly I really don't have any friends I'd feel safe around at this time. So many years of drug use made my selected crowd of friends not the greatest group. I need to make some new clean friends. I checked the movies & nothing jumped out at me. I want to see 2 guns but its not playing yet. I guess I will go out & have dinner and a stiff drink...I feel odd walking into a decent place for dinner alone...."table for ONE please"...good grief. Then maybe I will just come home and power down a bottle of merlot as a little sleep aide. Not to trade one vice for another but just to treat the nerves a bit. I have zero problems with alcohol...don't even like it really & feel quilty when I do indulge. I hope you have a good night my friend & I will check back here when i get home too. Thank you!

  30. #30
    quittingthedemon is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lisainnyc View Post
    Hey quitting...

    I have to leave soon to meet up with a friend. I will be back later though and if you post anything I will reply
    Well 10:30pm and I am back already. Belly full of chicken queso & a couple top shelf margaritas. Where are you Lisa? You mean NY doesn't roll up the sidewalks at 10:30pm like they do here? LOL!!! Sat at the bar & ate so I didn't look like the big lonely loser with a giant L on my forehead. Went to a little park near my house before dinner that had a band playing.....WOW....everyone there looked strung out. Never seen a bigger group of drug lovers. So funny how you see things so differently when you are sober. Didn't stay long....couple songs & I got out of there. Even at dinner everything seemed so odd....like there was me & then there is the rest of the world. Be so glad to get my mind right. Check back later...

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