[jsabbs]

My name is James Sabatino. I'm a 15 year old boy living in Whitinsville MA. I don't know what to do with my life right now. I'm confused, sad, angry. I need to vent to somebody. Someone who isn't a doctor or a parent, I need a stranger's advice, which is why I'm starting this thread.

So here is my story. I've been diagnosed with severe depression since 7th grade. Around 6th grade I began to have trouble. My grades went down and I pushed every single friend I had away. I switched schools only to have my condition worsen. So I went back to my own home town for schooling. I've attempted suicide 3 in the past 3 years (I expossed myself to the elements, I jumped off a building-not high enough, and I tried to jump out of a window).

Now, I'm a Sophomore soon to be Junior in highschool. My condition has gone from worse to terrible. I've developed a severe social phobia (I don't walk in the streets, but alleyways because I don't want anyone who knows me to see me) and I'm extremely anxious around everyone at school. This phobia has made me terrified of myself. I wonder if my feet are straight when I walk, do I have an ugly pimple on my face, do my pants look ok, do I look queer in this shirt, can anyone see my cuts, I hate me for cutting, I hate me for liking to cut, do I look fat, am I ugly...the list goes on and on and I think these things over and over again. It is why I'm so terrified of myself. I've lost nearly all of my social skills and I want soooo bad to tell everyone about my condition but I'm so scared. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I want people to understand me. School has become even more frightening because I used to pretend like I was the happiest kid in the world. Now, I can barely hold myself together. I cry randomly in the middle of class because I'm so sad, I skip classes, I spend hours sleeping in the nurse's office. I've even developed an eating disorder and a horribly compuslive cutting habit.

I just don't know what to do. I can't see myself living past highschool because I don't see a future for myself. I have bottles and bottles of antidepressents and sedatives at my disposal and every week that goes by it gets harder and harder for me to go on like this. I don't know what to do.

[melinda7.5]

Hi James
It will be OK, you just have social anxiety...a lot of people have it...
There are lots of little tricks to fix that problem, My son has had that problem in the past. he tried to commit suicide over it to...but he didn't want to die he just didn't know what else to do...
I have really helped him a lot with this if you need someone to talk to I'm right here...

Talk to you soon, Melinda

[mineallmine]

James I want you to know that you are special. I know when you feel like this it is hard to believe but you are. I have battled what you have described and thought when I was 17 I would never see 25. I am now 33. You need someone to talk to and not hold all this into yourself. I understand that you think you have noone to turn to and I wont tell you to go to your parents because I know at your age that was the last place I wanted to go. It made me feel worse if I did open up to someone close to me because then they knew me to well and I always thought they were judging me no matter what they said. I am leaving my email for you. If you need someone who will listen please write to me and I will help you understand what I have learned that has helped me deal with this all of these years. Just know you are not alone and you are NOT a freak. You wouldnt believe how many people you see a day that are in the same place as you. Please contact me blessedviv@aol.com.

[freshstart]

Hi James,

I cant be honest with you and say that I "know" what you are feeling but I do know people who have been where you are, and until they found the "right" scenerio to vent under, things seemed impossible for them. The problem with discussing things with your parents or relatives are, as parents, we want to feel like we know best ALWAYS especially when it comes to our children. We would like to believe that we always have the best way to protect them, and of course, we always believe that we know better than our children and because we love them so dearly, we understand them. This is a big mistake sometimes that actualy backfires in our faces. When we close our minds off and get defensive about the well being of our children we stop learning and evolving with and for them. Nowadays, there are medical conditions and medications and things that we as parents couldnt ever possibly even think of when we were growing up therefore we just dont understand sometimes that we need to be open minded with our children and actualy "listen" to what they have to say. We hear you guys, but sometimes we dont listen. Then there are the times that we do listen but we dont like what we hear so we either go into a state of denial or we just cant admit that we dont have the right answer to our own childrens problems and we try to dismiss them as reality. Its a scary feeling as a parent to not know what to do to help your kid. Trust me! This feeling may cause us to make irrational decisions or actualy blame you guys as if it were something that you were doing wrong. Try not to blame your parents if they dont totaly understand how you feel. Im sure they wish they did but sometimes you never truly understand unless your in that persons shoes.

I know its hard to listen to me with all of this, especialy someone who doesnt understand exactly what you are going through but I want you to think about what I am about to tell you. There are tons of other people out there right now, just like you, feeling exactly what you feel, some even worse off than you are, and they are finding ways to cope with life and fight through this. Chances are things will get better or a little easier with time and the proper guidance and/or therapy. Give this thread a little time and I'll bet you that you will get responses from a lot of people who are where you are now or have been there or worse and have learned how to move forward in their lives. You are not alone. Even those of us who arent necessarily feeling the way that you are, are here for you. We may not understand but we still want to help in anyway that we can. You have a unique opportunity here to really ask all of those questions that you fear asking your relatives and doctors for fear that they will judge you. NO ONE here will judge you. I promise! Get anything that you want off of your chest and put it out here and you will see the magic that this place is come alive. You will find people here that will bend over backwards to help you or point you in the right direction so you dont feel like your world is crashing down.

Please give it a chance and let us know how you are doing. I will be checking back on you and reading this thread and I hope to find new posts from you daily. You made the effort to put it all out there and I commend you for that, and now you have our attention and we will do whatever we can to make you feel better. I promise.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please give this a chance to work for you. You have a ton to look forward to. God Bless!!!

Freshstart

[melinda7.5]

Hi james
I just wanted to see if you are still out there...
let us know how you are doing...
Melinda

[jsabbs]

Thanks for all the kind comments. I actually have to admit I feel better than yesterday.

So here is an update for those who asked about it. Last night I cut my self all over, arms, legs, chest, because I was so stressed from a bad day at school. Anway, my mom found out and freaked, like really freaked for the first time. She was sad or upset, she was angry and sick to her stomach. She wanted to kick me out of the house because she can't handle worrying about me anymore. She is a single mom working two jobs. Anyway she was yelling and screaming and threatening to take me to the hospital and refuse to take me home. She is worried about me, she just can't handle me the way I am right now. It makes me so frustrated. It makes me want to cut myself more!!!

I didn't end up in the hospital because I begged her to give me another chance. It isn't fair. I'm addicted to cutting and when someone tries to quit and addiction they have relapses. Plus, putting me in the hospital AGAIN isn't going to magically going to make me stop cutting for good. I just wish my mom could see that.

[freshstart]

Hi James. Im glad your back. I told you, this place is a gift from God. Even if you arent very religous, nor do you have to be, you will find this place to be a sort of "getaway" for you and your issues. You can also find a ton of help here but you have to be a little open minded and try to see things for what they are and why people are telling them to you.

Im glad to hear your doing a little better. I have to admit, I was worried about you. If you dont mind, I would like to ask you a sort of personal question. Please dont answer anything that makes you uncomfortable ok? So my question is, since you find relief in cutting, do think you could possibly experiment with a "different" outlet besides the cutting? I know that is what works for you, now, but I think its safe to say that you and I both know that it isnt a great method and if at all possible, something we should try to alleviate. Do you agree? But if we try to alleviate it, I would like to see you have an alternative outlet to vent through but of course one that is less harmful to you or anyone else. Just like an addict, people cant just stop doing things cold turkey most of the time. There are deep issues and personal reasons why people do the things they do and it isnt good to hold those things in. The key is finding better ways to deal with the root of the issues. I understand this is all stuff you probably already have heard a million times, but sometimes when you hear the same thing over and over but it comes from a different source, one time it just may click. And that is what Im sort of hoping for here. Do you have any suggestions on utilizing an alternative method to release your frustrations besides the cuttings? Has anything else ever worked before? I have to be honest with you and tell you that I do feel for your mother here. She must feel so helpless (and frustrated and scared). Does she speak to a therapist?

Again, please dont leave us for long periods of time and keep posting and checking in. I will guarantee you that pretty soon, someone will post on here on your thread that has had the same issues as you with the cutting, and has found a better way to cope and has improved their quality of life. I wont lie to you and tell you we will cure you, but simply, hopefully help you and your mom to better deal with what you have. Do we have a deal James? Will you stick around for a while and give it an honest try?

Please if you need to vent, feel free to ask ANYTHING! Or say ANYTHING! Again, we will not judge you. We will just simply try to offer you the most realistic advise that we can find for you. We'll leave it to the Doctors to know everything. We just want to try to help you feel better buddy ok?

Again, I will pray for you James. Please keep in touch. God Bless!!!

[jsabbs]

Thanks freshstart. I totally see where you are coming from. Because, like you said, I have heard those things over and over again. I don't know why it is so hard to stop cutting. I have been able to stop in the past, but I just don't remember how. It seems impossible. My therapist suggested some alternative methods to cutting. But I haven't tried them. I think that I'm scared to try different methods, like holding ice cubes on my wrists or snapping an elastic band, because I'm afraid I wont get the relief I get from cutting. I know cutting isn't the best solution, but it is the easiest and shame on me for taking the easy route out. However, I started running again. That was a big coping skill for me last year. I ran 7 miles every other day. I stopped last winter though. So slowly and slowly I started running more and more. I'm only up to 3 miles a day, but it is a work in progress.

I hope this answers you question Freshstart. Talk to you later.

[Freedom4me]

James,
You sound like a really intelligent young man for a 15 year old. I have 3 boys a little older(18,20.22). I think that the fact that you are posting here for some insight is wonderful. Can I ask you this question: If I found out that one of my boys felt like you do and was cutting themselves, what would you say I should do to help them? I love all my boys with all my heart and am terrified that I would do the wrong thing if I found out something like this. They don't know that I had a problem with presription pain pills and think I can do anything. Would it help them to know I have problems just like them? I have been really afraid to post to you because I have sons and I don't ever want them to feel any kind of pain that I can't help them with.

[jsabbs]

Dear Freedom4Me,

Lets say one of your boys have this problem. I don't know what it feels like to be a parent that doesn't know how to help their kid. It must be aweful because my mom is just so devestated all the time. She worries about me constantly. As to what you should do, I don't really know. All that I can tell you is that what every you do to help this problem your kid WONT like it. We think we can handle this by ourselves even though we try to reach out to others we(I) don't want to burden other people with our problems because we think of ourselves as another problem in someone else's life. We want people to ignore it because cutting "helps us." So the first thing my mom did was putting me in the hospital for psychiatric evaluations. I hated this. Then we went to all sorts of psychologists and therapists and I hated my mom for it. To let a problem like this go unnoticed will end in disaster because your son may loose control and became a "cutting addict" and one cut could be a cut too deep. It must be weird hearing that because, the matter of the fact is I do that very same thing. How hypocritical of me. Anyway, getting medical attention is the SMART thing to do. It might not seem right to your sons, probably wont seem right at all. And here is some last advice. Treating depression is complicated. If you confront a problem like this you may begin to wish you hadn't because your child is going to unleash an atomic explosion of emotions (at least I did). It is going to be extremely difficult in the beginning stages but eventually things die down and seem somewhat normal again. Just don't expect hospitalization to be a magical cure for depression and make cutting or whatever stop.

I really hope this helps you a little. It is just such a hard question because everyone is different. Maybe your sons will be happy you care or maybe they will get annoyed, I really don't know.

Good luck,

James

[jsabbs]

P.S. As for the prescription pills addiction thing. That is the reason I technically don't have a dad anymore. If it is still a problem in your life tell your kids everything about it and I mean EVERYTHING. Don't sugar coat it or tell a white lie, give them all the gritty dirty ugly details even you are ashamed of. If you don't they may end up in my situation where we find the truth on our own. However, if it is a problem long past and doesn't have an effect on your everyday life now, what they don't know won't hurt them I guess.

Best of Luck Again,

James

[Freedom4me]

Thank you for you honesty James. You really seem to think things through thoughtfully. I am hoping your own situation is getting better. It sounds like, from your advice to me, that even though you get mad at your mom she is doing the right thing for you and she loves you. That must make you feel good, even if you get angry about it. As far as I know non of my kids have cut themselves and my pain pill thing is in the past(I quit 3 months ago). I just wanted to get some advice from you in case I ever have to face something like that with kids or grandkids. If you don't know much about cutting, it is very hard to understand. It is so hard to parent and see your kids in pain and not be able to help them. You won't know that until you have kids. I think you have givin me some good tools if I ever have to face "cutting" so thank you. I hope you continue to get help. You sound like the kind of kid who can really open up with someone if you connect. I hope you will try to find someone you trust who you can open up to and who can help you. The title of your thread is a little scary and I would hate to think you would choose to kill yourself. You have too much to offer James.

[Psyched]

James,
As you can see by now, there are a lot of people out here that care; total strangers even. I want you to know that I first ran across your name on another post and I was very impressed. Your response to an older person wanting to know what she should do about side-effects from her meds was quite accurate. I think you have a lot to offer on this site so I do hope you keep posting. Also, I want to let you know that, as a non-cutter, it is difficult for people to understand those who do cut. Have you ever considered offering help here to people like yourself? As one of the patients in the hospital where I work once told me, "You CAN"T understand it unless you have or are doing it" and I think she was right. Maybe you can be there for people who are having the same types of thoughts about cutting as you do...no one hear claims to have all the answers and sometimes, I think people post here just like you did, to see if someone will reach out...maybe you can be one of these people? You certainly seem intelligent enough and I think you might even help yourself some by helping someone else. Just a thought. You can reach me at psychdocken@gmail.com. if you want to email me.

[alyson10]

I used to cut myself just like you and it was not until i almost cut myself deep enough to die that i stopped...i would do it in the back of classrooms with anything and i do mean ANYTHING! to name a few objects...paper clips, pen caps, earrings, paper (intentional paper cuts), and anything else that was sharp within reach. Sadly, none of my teachers ever realized it, and the problem progressively got worse. I wore sweatshirts in May and June, and i would go home and hide from my mom. My mother never had a clue until i told her years later and she threatened to throw me in a mental institution, not the answer. But to make a long story short. I've been there, and believe me when i tell you that life is to precious to do that and even tho it seems like the best option, instead of hurting someone else, its not. I hope that you find comfort in my words and don't be afraid to ask me anything or talk to me, i am always going to be honest with people when confronted about that portion of my life, because i want to help people with my experiences, not forget them and act like they never happened!

With Care,
Aly

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi James, be sure that this forum is the place for you. I have found so much caring and guidence. I am a parent of a heroin addict. When your mother freaked out it's because first we are upset with ourselves for being a failure (which we aren't). I can just tell you from my side of the aisle what it's like. Talk to your mom as much as you feel comfortable, hug her, tell her you love her and need her help. Don't shut her out, that makes us parents go crazy! We imagine much worse than what is happening. My niece used to cut herself and shave all her hair off, now she is going to college for genetic engineering and has a 4.0 average. There is a way out and you have taken the most important step, that is admitting there is a problem and wanting to change. I will keep you in my prayers. If you need a parents point of view I am here for you.

Just remember, we parents freak out because of our insecurities, not being able to shield your child from pain is the WORST pain a parent can have.

God bless you.

[Freedom4me]

Kathleen,
I really admire the way are reaching out to so many young people here and offering your perspective. I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your own daughter. I know you would give anything if your daughter was the one allowing you to help her. Maybe you found this place for a reason. Maybe helping others here will give you the perspective that allows you to do what you need to do for your daughter. You are a great mom and I'm sorry for your pain.
Jenny

[jsabbs]

I can't thank everyone enough for posting their responses. It is so hard to explain this, but the feeling I get when I read and post here...I don't know why, but I find it more relieving than talking to my therapist or even my mom. So thanks for that.

And if she doesn't mind I'd like to ask her a personal question, Aly, how in the world did you ever stop cutting? Everyday that goes by when I don't do it feels like forever. It is just so unexplainably difficult to stop cutting. I feel like it is a necessity for living. I am happy Aly posted though because I can totally relate to it. I wore a sweatshirt yesterday in 90 degree weather and today and most likely will tomorro as well.

And an update to my problem. I'm not so much as suicidal as I felt on my first post, but my cutting is still a really bad problem and it is getting worse. My cuts keep getting deeper and deeper and I can't stop. I want to stop so bad, but I'm just so horribly addicted that I feel I can't get through the day without it.

But on the brighter side. I am flattered as to how so many of you called me intelligent because I really feel stupid right now. My depression is causing me so much stress I'm failing in school and I feel stupid for cutting. But I call this the brighter side because I plan to start a new thread. I'll still check back on this thread, but I think helping other people will help me too. So I'm going to try to start a new thread for people with the same problems as me to talk and share advice/stories whatever and provide opinions for parents dealing with kids like us. At least I'm gonna try.

Hurray for Drugs.com, it's amazing how theraputic it really is.

[kathleen5hockey]

James, I have been thinking alot about you today. I hope school was ok. What you need to know is that EVERY 15 yr old feels out of place. I understand about not wanting to be in crowds and trying to hide. That just isn't the answer. Find the one thing that makes you happy, sports, reading, whatever and then excel in it. You don't have to have alot of friends. If you find 1 friend that's good. The depression can be helped with proper medication. Just one thing, I am BEGGING you NOT TO TRY DRUGS! You think it will make you feel better but it will only make things worse. Under the proper care medication can be useful for depression. To self medicate is not the answer. Don't know if you have tried or have been thinking about trying drugs but DON'T.

When I was a teen my parents moved and I went from a private Catholic school with uniforms and nuns to a public high school. What a shock! I didn't know how to relate, didn't have friends and was miserable. I joined JA and a few other clubs until one interested me. Finally made friends with a girl and we are still friends today, yep met when we were 15 and age 52 still see each other. When you are a teen thinking of being 52 is a million years away but time flies. Don't know if this helps. Just know that all of us a one time or another have been there. Please just keep writing your feelings on this forum. We will help you. Start to pray, not just memorized prayers but really talking to God. I did and now I feel a whole lot better.

[Psyched]

James,
I'm sure I speak for a lot of folks when I say that I'm glad to be reading another post from you! I'm glad you've been welcomed as much as you have and I think you should realize by now that there will be people to talk with here whenever you need to. I am also glad to see that you want to start to help others because, by doing so, I think you'll see that in helping others you help yourself as well. Good luck to you and remember the compassion you were given here whenever you set out to help others.

[alyson10]

I started out cutting because a really good friend of mine did so. We would do it together anytime, anywhere and most of the time we didn't really care. we would share instruments, compare marks and do stuff that when i look back on it i think "how stupid must you have been"...now don't get me wrong i'm not, by any means, calling you stupid...i'm just saying thats how i perceived myself...well one day i was doing what i always did in the back of my history class and the marks up and down my left arm were worse than normal. I showed them to my friend and she said that i went to deep with one of them. We immediately went to the bathroom when that class ended and ran the cut under water...NOT A GOOD IDEA!...the bleeding kept pouring out and i grabbed a paper towel and held it there in the girls bathroom of my middle school crying my eyes out with her standing there next to me crying too. It wasn't until i realized that that one cut could have killed me that i decided i had had enough. She had to. Sometimes, and although it may be hard, thats what it takes. Also, i know when you are told to stop by someone who has never done it you become angry and tell them that they ave no idea. That may be true, but you have to understand that they are telling you to stop because they care about you, cutting is very dangerous and can lead to death. So from the bottom of my heart i say to you, there has to be some other way to stop, maybe get a pet, so when you're angry or feel like cutting they can comfort you. I know my cat has done wonders for me and he is my pride and joy! Animals know when you're upset and they are always their to comfort you!

I hope this helps!

With Care,
Aly

[freshstart]

Hi James, just checking back in with you again. IM really proud of you for being interested and willing to help others out when you came here to us with your own problems. Thats amazing and speaks volumes of the person that you really are inside beyond all of you self proclaimed faults. I say that because I dont see you as having any, im mimicing your words. You can kind of offer yourself some therapy James, on some of those days that seem worse than others, by posting on here when you feel the urge to "cut" of let out some anger or aggression. See if that can substitute your need to feel like you have to cut. Run to the computer and allow your mind to get lost in someone elses thread that has a problem or an issue and needs your help. Just a thought.

I too have been thinking about you everyday and I was so happy when I read the rest of the thread today. I told you other people would hop on here in time to give you some advice and share some personal stories with you. This place is a God send. The reason that I think you feel better on here with us is because we arent forcing you to be here like with a doctor and having an appointment to see him. There is no real structure here, you post as you feel the need. And I think you can see that even though we are all strangers here we still all have things in our lives that bother us or hurt us so sharing and venting with like minded people who GENUINELY care about helping each other is about the purest form of therapy one can receive! Also, you know that your not being judged so there is no reason to get angry or upset. Its the best of both worlds.

James, one last thought for now. I know ZERO about cutting, I do. But, again this is my own feeling, and I could be dead wrong and as far off beat as possible, but, do you think that maybe there is some sort of uncontrollable emotion in you that makes you very uncomfortable or angry or aggitated or whatever that feeling is, that makes you HAVE to cut? So is sort of like you get to "vent" by cutting? If so, the way my mind works is, to me that is some sort of, lets use the term for lack of a better word here, "artistic inspiration". So what im saying is, what if you tried to draw or paint your feelings instead of subduing them with cutting? Would that possibly offer you some sort of relief to see on paper what your actualy feeling inside of you? IF this could work, and I know I may be way off and you might think im crazy, you may open up a whole nother world to yourself that you never knew existed. Something that you find true passion in that may take the place of or help you to at least control a little bit of the cutting. You may find that you have a unique gift that you would have never ever know you possessed and it could actualy be something that you revolve your life and future career around. YOu never know. It may be worth a try. Sometimes we dont understand the road were meant to travel and life can even seem cruel at times. But that instant that everything clicks, and we find our passions and loves, and our meanings in life, its then that it all begins to make sense and we realize that if we had never had the experiences in our lives and traveled the roads that we have, we would have never wound up at our "happy place" So please, hang in there, try different and new things while your still young and have the time, and hopefully this will all lead you to do whatever it is that makes you TRULY happy in life and what you were born to do. As they said earlier, maybe you were meant to help other people with similar issues and through helping them, your help will come as well.

Whatever it is James, stay strong and try to focus. Learn to appreciate the simple things. Love your mom to the best of your ability and dont forget to tell her that you love her. Thank her for sticking by you and keep moving forward pal. Were all here for you, always. The good and bad days. Remember that. I have a good feeling that something good is going to come out of all of this for you and to be honest with you, Im truly excited for you James.

Please keep in touch. I'll check back each day or at least every other day for you. God Bless!!!

[jsabbs]

Thanks Aly and Freshstart. Your words are much appreciated.

I have some bad news though. Last night I cut myself and patched my self up with gauze and tap. Well when I got to school today during gym class I had to run to the bathroom and clean my arms because they were covered in bloodtrails. So I rip my bandages without thinking and oops my cuts start bleeding. I got blood all over my WHITE T-shirt. My gym teacher took me to the nurse. The vice principle, guidance counciler, school psychologist were all talking to me and before I new it a police man escorted me out of school into an ambulance and off to the emergancy room. I was there from 12:00 to 5:30. Talk about boring. Although, the therapist at the hospital was totally cool and actually understood that I am not cutting to hurt myself, but to vent (like freshstart had mentioned). The school actually wasn't going to let me back into school tomorrow because I was deemed unfit for a school environment or something like thay. But I was given a doctors not telling them otherwise so everything is ok for now.

So I am home now and very happy to be. I am just really scared because the doctors at the hospital said the next time I come to the emergency room for cutting I will be put into a behavoiral rearangement resident/institution place. So. I am freaking out because I know I can try other things, but it is so hard to try something new. God I hate me for that. But I m greatful for some of the advice you have offered me. I actually am an artist. I'm mostly self taught, but I took a couple of youth programs at RISD. I actually draw better when I'm depressed the way I am, it's just the pictures I draw are...not nice.

[Psyched]

James,
Sorry to hear about school today; most people do tend to freak out and go to the extreme when someone is hurting themself. Glad to hear that your alright though. I understand your apprehension about trying to find another outlet for your release, but if the doctors said they would have to send you somewhere then they most likely will On the upside though, I think you should keep drawing...I mean, it's not like your forcing people to look at the pictures. Maybe you'll discover something new to draw after awhile. If you are still worried about the drawings, why not write. You obviously express yourself very well and have the intelligence to convey your thoughts and ideas. Anyway, it's just a thought. I also wanted to say I was glad to see the thread you created! I know you're going to be a big influence on a lot of people. Congratualtions on taking steps to turn yourself around and for having the courage to do so!!! Good luck and God bless!

[jsabbs]

I don't know what to do with myself. It's aweful. I don't even know how it happened but I started freaking out in my driver's ed class (the last class). I didn't have a sweatshirt on and people kept on looking at my arms. I went nuts. The teacher noticed I was acting funny and let me go early. As soon as I walked out of the room I started crying. A 15 year old boy, sophomore in high school, bawling his eyes out. I can't help it. I'm crying right now as I type this. God I hate me so much, so so so so much. I wanna die so bad right now but I can't tell me mom because she'll flip. I hate me so much. Everytime I take a step forward I get thrown 4 steps back. I don't know what to do. I don't even feel like posting this message because I don't want to be judged. Heck I can't even let myself cry as much as I feel I need to, I'm holding it back a lot but the tears keep coming. I don't want my mom to judge me. My MOM. OH GOD. How am I gonna make it in life. I can't even see myself living to senoir year let alone college. Oh my god I hate me so much.

[freshstart]

Hey Buddy. Listen, your first post made me so happy. Your last one, not so good! First off, as far as the art goes, WHO CARES about people judging you. I want to help you, and I dont even understand what your going through so all of the people who you feel "judge" you without even taking the chance to want to get to know you, guess what, TO HELL WITH EM'! Thats what I say and thats the attitude that I would like to see you try to adopt. This isnt about anyone else except you (and partly your mom, you need to keep her in mind through all of this and respect her take on everything). Its ok if your pictures arent "nice". I get what you mean, and believe it or not James, its ok. Even if they were the most sinister, gory pics you've ever seen, but they were a reflection of your inner feelings, then its cool. What that means is you are "venting" and letting out these deep rooted feelings that are causing you all of your pain and torment. Thats called therapy my brother. And im sure you'd much rather receive therapy on your own terms than some Dr. that doesnt understand or even know you, but flashes some degree around, right? So lets try, and im not psych, shrink, Dr, or anything else, but lets try something. See if you can develop a daily routine where you take a specific amount of time, say 2 hrs or so, and you pick the same time each day. Try to draw what you feel during that time and whatever comes out on the paper when its finished and complete, I want you to "name it". Come up with a title for your drawing based on how you feel/felt, and what is actualy on the paper. As time goes on, see if the drawings begin to "clean up" a bit and become less graphic and violent. If so, you are "healing" for lack of a better term and you are actualy bettering yourself and doing it in a positive way. The key here is your commitment. You have to be consistent and do it over a reasonable period of time or you wont see results.

I get that a pencil and a piece of paper arent the cure to your issues James, but there is no one cure. It will take a lot of little things to all work in the same direction to help bring you some sort of relief. But we have to start somewhere. From what you say, it sounds like nobody is doing much of anything for you, so Im basicaly trying to help you in anyway that I can for someone sitting on the other side of a computer screen. But im trying. I really want to see you be able to release your feelings and not keep them in. I used to keep my issues in forever! Never cried, never vented to anyone. Never complained. Just buried everything! That just built up and built up and brewed for years. My entire personality changed overtime. I found myself looking to get into fights and competition just to get out my aggression. Bad move! What it got me was a drug addiction. Because i couldnt vent and I had all of these emotions, a surgery led me to a prescription for pain meds and 3 years later my life was ruined because of them. I never did a drug in my life before my surgery. But the medication made everything seem tolerable and disguised my problems for the time being. All was great for about 2 or 3 weeks until it didnt work like it used to so I took more. Then more, then more, then more, then one day I woke up and realized I was in big trouble. I lost my savings, was behind in my bills, was pushing away the people around me that cared about me because I was such a miserable prick to be around 90% of the time unless I was HIGH! All of that spent money and all I had to show for it was a bad addiction! BAD MOVE! I wish now that I had someone to offer any suggestion to me on ways that I could try to vent. I would have tried anything. Trust me on that. Anything. So my point is, there is not going to be an easy way out of this for you or anyone else, but there will be a way. But we are going to have to fight. And fight hard.

I dont want you to hate you James. Dont hate yourself. You did not do anything wrong. Nothing. It is not your fault that you feel the way you do. Something caused your feelings and they are very deep rooted it seems. The trick here is how do we learn to 1st acknowledge and accept that we have those feelings and then figure out the best way to address them. I dont want you to necessarily post them all on here, unless you want to, but theoretically, do you know why you are so upset and angry? Do you know what the root of the REAL issues are? Not the new angry feelings of the results of you being stressed and depressed but the actual cause. Thats key. As hard as it is sometimes, the most important thing may be to address the actual roots of your problems. Not saying you but for some it may be that they were molested when they were younger, or they saw some tragic event when they were younger, or it could be something as simple as a parents divorce. Some kids take it very very hard but then it sits and marinates until one day some event triggers all of those buried emotions and then the person finds themselves suddenly overwhelmed with negative emotions that they no longer know how to control. Im worried about you James but I also am optimistic about your recovery in that I dont believe you have found anyone that has offered you the right way to cope with your emotions yet. I think you need to take a long hard look at what those deep roots stem from and then find someone that you are feel comfortable confiding in and just spill the beans and let it all out. You may find it to be a huge weight off of your sholders, sort of like when you pop the top of a soda can and all of that pressure just splurts out. Then you may find that you are in a better position to cope with the left overs and then maybe the therapy thing may yield you some results.

Im going to stop pretending that I know what im talking about here. I dont want to mislead you in anyway but I am trying to draw some comparisons to what I "think" you may be going through right now. Just something to be able to offer you a little bit of hope and happiness. YOu deserve it and I would love to see some of your drawings. I have a warped mind myself. Trust me, you wont freak me out I promise. You will make it to college James. I know things may seem a million years away right now but time flys! Things will get better for you but you have to be willing to work hard at it. There will come a time where you will need to confide in someone and give them your trust in the hopes that they can provide you with those better methods of coping. You dont have much to lose pal.

Please keep posting so we can help you out. I enjoy reading your posts and look forward to helping you get through this difficult time in your life. Please feel free to ask any questions in regards to how parents may think or anything else that I or anyone else here may be able to clarify for you, Ok James.

Hope all is well and I'll look forward to hearing from you soon!

Fresh

[cherry14]

I've just read this thread for the first time, James, and I was so sorry to see your last post that you'd had a setback in how you're feeling. I've never cut, but I can understand the feeling behind doing it....that's a place I've been in, too many times in my life.

One thing that I want to say, it came to mind immediately, and just take it for what it's worth (being, I know I wasn't there, but)......it may not have been that people were looking that much at your arms. I think it could partly be that you are so afraid of people looking, or seeing it, that in your mind, that's what was happening......does that make sense? I am not at ALL trying to minimize how you felt about it or reacted to it, so please don't get me wrong. I just wonder if there was a difference in what happened vs how you perceived it (and there isn't anything wrong with that, we all do that in any given situation).

I understand your being afraid to talk to your mom....I was, too. I have dealt with serious depression issues since I was a teenager, and held them in for a long, long time. I first tried to kill myself when I was your age, I believe, and I last tried a little over a year ago. My mom was more hurt that I DIDN'T tell her. Yes, she will be afraid for you, but it will be based on CARING for you, she isn't going to be angry. She just won't want you to feel like you do (and we don't want you to feel like you do, either, we want you to find your happiness, since it IS out there, and you WILL find it; it's just such a rocky road sometimes, and the path can be so unclear ).

I wish I had some deep, insightful words of wisdom for you. I will be thinking about you. Just please know that someone cares, even a faceless, nameless person on the internet. I'm pulling for you, and wondering how you are doing.

[kathleen5hockey]

James, I am so sorry you had a bad day. I really believe you must talk to someone. Also I believe you must find the root of the problem. You don't like to cut, it hurts but it's the release of pain that helps you. I understand the feelings of being left out, of people staring at you. It's not comfortable. Give yourself a safe place to cry, get it all out, take a deep breath and think, almost meditate. Be still and listen to what God is trying to say. Your mom is probably going nuts at this point (like I did), do not shut her out. I don't know how comfortable you are talking to mom but let me tell you from experience, as a mom we are thinking it's a whole lot worse than it really is. If she does freak out on you it's because she is feeling guilty she didn't see it coming or doesn't know what to do. Do NOT think life isn't worth living, I used to think like that. I was wrong, life is really good once you get thru the sh-t. Stay strong, we are here for you.

[jsabbs]

I just don't know what to do. I've been running, writing, drawing, talking, I'm doing all of these things people are telling me to do but there is just sooooo much...I don't know what it is that makes me want to die! I'm scared. I'm thinking more suicidal thoughts. I'm terrified of my mom. I don't want hospitals and therapists and bottles of pills. A couple months ago I was happy. I was talking in school. I was so close to my goal. To overcome my anxiety by finding a couple people I could confide in but now it's all gone! I've fallen into such a deep hole and I can't see myself getting out of it. I can't tell my mom. But, god, I just want to give her a hug and cry. Cry, cry cry, in her arms like a little kid. I'm just too scared to do it. And, I'm sorry, but I truly hate the person I am. I hate it.

But anyways. Art. I don't know how to share it because we aren't aloud to post attatchments on the threads. Any suggestions?

[cherry14]

Originally Posted by jsabbs

I just don't know what to do. I've been running, writing, drawing, talking, I'm doing all of these things people are telling me to do but there is just sooooo much...I don't know what it is that makes me want to die! I'm scared. I'm thinking more suicidal thoughts. I'm terrified of my mom. I don't want hospitals and therapists and bottles of pills. A couple months ago I was happy. I was talking in school. I was so close to my goal. To overcome my anxiety by finding a couple people I could confide in but now it's all gone! I've fallen into such a deep hole and I can't see myself getting out of it. I can't tell my mom. But, god, I just want to give her a hug and cry. Cry, cry cry, in her arms like a little kid. I'm just too scared to do it. And, I'm sorry, but I truly hate the person I am. I hate it.

But anyways. Art. I don't know how to share it because we aren't aloud to post attatchments on the threads. Any suggestions?

Hon, I think you have to go to your mom. I really do. I think you'll feel a lot better once you can get all of this out. The weight of what we think we can't say crushes us.....I kept my issues from my sister the longest, she has always not been the....most, uh, understanding person, about depression, especially really bad depression. Once I told her everything, she was there for me, though. I really do think your mom will be, too.

I understand not wanting therapists or medications, but sometimes we NEED those things to get back to a better point and mindset. I've been there too, so I'm not just talking out of my @ss. I HATED the idea of therapists, but, I also had daydreams all day long about how I would do myself in....that is no way to live!! The things you don't want are a temporary situation to get to a more permanent outcome, seriously. I hate the idea of taking an anti depressant, but I've learned the hard way that for me, I just have to...I always end up sinking again when I try to go without them. It's no different than if you were diabetic, you woudn't NOT take insulin....same thing. For me, the chemicals in my brain just do not do what they're supposed to, and a med puts them back in the right order. Done. If you can be proactive about finding help, you can do it as an outpatient possibly, rather than going to a hospital, and that might make all the difference. If you wait too long, you may not have a choice, and I don't want that for you. I don't want you feeling like this at all, but it can take some time to come back around from it.

Keep hanging in there.....a day, an hour, a minute at a time. Still thinking about you.

[freshstart]

James if you'd like you can email me anything that you would like. My email is bredtski@msn.com. I would be more than happy, actualy it would be an honor to see your artwork. I promise I wont judge anything you create, im honestly more interested in your talent. Im rather confident that you are very good at whatever it is you put your mind to. I can see you have a tremendous passion within you. I wish I could help you channel it into a positive manner. There would be no stopping you! Im here with you for the long run pal, I promise. Just know your not alone.

As much as I wish for you to be as comfortable as possible through all of this James, I have to make an uncomfortable suggestion for your own good. I honestly believe that the people on here are right in that you need to pour everything out to your mom so she can better understand where your mind is at so it will prepare her to better understand your behavior at times. I know its probably the last thing in the world that you want to do but it seems like it may be the most logical considering the circumstances. After you tell your mom EVERYTHING, and i mean EVERYTHING (and please try to stay as calm and dont yell at her if she doesnt understand) if she just doesnt get it or believe you, I would suggest that you direct her to your thread on here so she can read exactly what is going on and better understant how you feel. Seeing it as opposed to living it and being in denial or fear of not knowing what to do may make it a little bit easier for her to grasp and she will understand better that there are other people out there with the same issues you have and that they were able to get the proper help and/or overcome them. That should provide her with a bit more insight and help out your situation just a bit more. I know it seems crazy to hear this but TRUST ME I promise I only have your best intentions in mind. Plus, your mother will have access to chat with and ask questions to people on here that are parents and moms of children like her that are in similar situations and they may be able to help her deal with things in a better way as well. Its a win/win. She may not like what she reads at first but she will better understand in the long run. You need people to understant you to the best of their ability if they are to provide you with any sort of relief or help. If people dont know how you feel or what your feeling, its hard for them to help you if they dont know what is wrong or if your depressed. Then when you act out, they dont know where that reaction came from and it seems very out of place to them and therefore you push them away unintentionally

Im very proud of you for continuing to excercise and write and draw. Believe me when I tell you it is helping you at least a little. You say you feel like your in a deep hole that you dont see a way out of but Im here to tell you that there is a way out, we just have to keep looking and not give up. IN the meanwhile, please continue to do the things that are positive that you do have control over and the rest will fall into place. We'll get this figured out somehow. Just hang in there for us, please.

Feel free to email me anything that you feel comfortable sending and I'll look out for it as of tomorrow. I hope you had a good day and I will check in again soon.

FRESH