[alyson10]

hey james...i was just wondering how things were going?? i haven't seen you post in a while and i just wanted to make sure that things were okay!! let us know!!

aly

[jsabbs]

I've just been so stressed. With school work, homework, my mom, my sister, everything makes me miserable. I cried again in school because I just suddenly felt sooo sad I couldn't hold myself together. It was aweful. Of course I got dismissed again because the school doesn't want me their when they don't think they can keep me safe. ERR.

I'm so terrified to admit it but I AM feeling suicidal. I just don't want to tell someone because I can't go back to the clinics and white hospital hallways.

But today something happened to me. When I was feeling really sad I think I found part of the core reason I feel so bad as I do.

About a month ago two boys asked me if I ever tried to commit suicide. Just classroom aquaintences. I was so desperate to talk to someone I told them everything. They seemed truly concerned about it and really supportive to me. I was shocked. A couple days later I asked one of them why a stranger would care so much about me. He said because I'm a good person and something about how everyone likes me. The funny thing is. The day those boys talked to me I was planning on going home and killing myself. I was gonna go home and eat every pill in the medicine cabinet. And talking to them gave me hope. Maybe I will be happy someday. Maybe I will find someone to talk to.

I don't believe him. And I think I'm sad because if I really am surrouded by people who like me why don't I have any friends in school. Someone to go to the movies to or have a girlfriend or have a group of people to go hang out with. It is killing me. If you're not happy in life you aren't successful and I am not happy.

Anyway. Today was the final straw and I figured that the hope I had been given was a false one. So I decided in school today I was going to do what I had originally planned on doing. But something else happened. If you remember my story I explained how I was taken out of my school for 8th grade. My new school was Worcester Academy, the one I hated. Well today on facebook I found one of the best friends I had had in a long time and we talked and talked and out of the blue I told her everything about why I left the school so suddenly. She said that if I died she would jump in the grave with me. I told her I wanted to be cremated. She said she doesn't want to be burned alive so make sure I live for a long time....

Twice in a row I planned on killing myself and twice someone out of the blue had given me the hope I need to go on. I don't believe in god or allah or buddha or whatever. I prefir to be called agnostic. But, I just feel like something somewhere doesn't want me to die yet.

[Freedom4me]

James,
I hope if you feel like killing yourself again you will at least post here so we can talk to you. I don't think it is the answer to you problems. Life is wonderful. Take some time and really look around at the beauty here on earth. Watch a sunset or a bird flying in the bright blue sky. Go to a pet store and watch some puppies playing. Take a ride to a river, a mountain, a lake. You are part of this world for a reason James. From what you've said about your mom it would destroy her. That would be a very selfish thing on your part. If one of my kids killed themselves my life would be ruined. I would always wonder what I could have done and why didn't my baby boy come to me with his pain. Please think about that. Your mom would die for you. And you suicide would kill her. Hard times don't last forever.

[Psyched]

James,
It was nice to see that you posted again...I was starting to worry, as were others. It's okay if you don't believe in a higher power, but I want you to focus on something that you yourself pointed out...twice you were determined to go home and kill yourself and twice other people intervened. I agree with what you were getting at, for some reason or another someone or something has something better in mind for you than death. Why question it or fight it? In my job, I see people try to commit suicide and succeed while other stry numerous times and fail; to these people I point out the same fact as I have pointed out to you. As we have all told you, you are truly a remarkable young man. As corny as it may sound, it seems you may be destined for greater things. You may not know what that is yet, but I believe you may be here to help others suffering like yourself-I don't mean that you're going to cure everyone who is depressed or who is a cutter; but just like you found comfort from reaching out to us total strangers, maybe you are meant to be there for others who need someone to reach out to. I hope you will give this some thought, especially when you are at a low and are looking for a reason to hang on. If you'll look back and read all of these posts, you'll see that several of us have given you our e-mail addresses and I'm sure each of us would be thrilled to hear from you via e-mail whenever you need to talk. Now I know you don't like doctors, so I wanted to let you know that I am not one...I'm an orderly at a psych facility and a youth care counselor at a residential treatment facility for teens. I hope you will continue to reach out either here or on our e-mail addresses whenever you need friends. Take care.

[freshstart]

Hey James. Long time no post. I too was glad to hear from you. Although to be honest I wasnt too happy to hear that its come down to you wanting to kill yourself twice in the past few days. That upsets me, deeply. I know your thinking that im full of s**t because I dont know you but honestly It really does bother me something terrible. I feel that I have given an honest, unselfish piece of myself to you (as has everyone else who posts to you) and the only thing that we expect out of this is to provide some sort of comfort to you so you too can feel better. I dont want to hear that you after reaching out to us and developing a relationship with us that you just decide one day that its not such a good day and your going to end your life. You owe yourself a lot better than that my friend. You at least owe us the chance to talk to you about it before you actualy do it. Dont you agree? We are here for you always and we constantly tell you that but the hard part is that we cant force you to take us up on it therefore rendering us helpless! Can you at least promise to post to us FIRST on those really bad days at school when you decide that today will be the day that it ends? Can you do it for us?

And by the way, who is this lucky facebook girl? If I didnt know any better it would seem to me as if she genuinely cares about you. Wouldn't you agree. Why dont you see if you can develop some sort of "on line" relationship with her at the least and see where it goes. You never know. People meet in the most unsuspecting ways all of the time and wind up married even. lol Im not suggesting you run out and get married but this just may be the person you were looking for and she was right under your nose the entire time but you just didnt know it. I dont know about you but when I was a teenager, no matter how bad the day was going, if some good looking girl came up to me and wanted to talk and hang out, that was a GREAT DAY! Something as simple as that could really benefit you with the depression thing and really make you feel good James. Even if it was as simple as you asking her to go see a movie and her turning around and saying "yes"! Do you know how good that would feel. You would think you just won the superbowl or something. So what im saying is James, you have some good things going on around you that you have to make a conscious effort to build on. For instance those kids in your class obviously dig you and im sure if you would make an effort back to them, you may find that they are open and responsive to you and you would have just made two friends who accept you for who you are and will take the time to get to know the real you without judgement. Then you should start developing a repoir with the facebook girl. Hell, your going to wind up with 2 friends and a girlfriend and Im going to be the one stuck on the computer! lol
All seriousness though, that is just a testament to your personality. You are attracting people into your life just by being who you are and they really care about you. Think about it. Did you try to impress them in anyway that wasnt a good indication of yourself? NO. You didnt. You were just being you and normal everyday people reached out just enough to let you know that they too care about you just like we do. So do me a favor. Try to put that suicide mentality aside for a little while and work on developing the positives around you and you'll prove to yourself just what we've been telling you the entire time. You are an AMAZING person and we are all proud of you. We care about you and how you feel and we only want you to feel good about life and about yourself. Please dont push away the people that are the most genuine to you. Give it a chance, dont be afraid. Life has a way of working itself out. You just have to hang in there buddy.

All The Best,

FRESH

[Freedom4me]

Fresh,
Very nice post and very genuine.
James, I hope you feel the same about his post. Look forward to hearing from you. All of us here have problems that we are trying our best to work through. We help each other here. Strangers helping strangers. I get the support I need here that I am sometimes afraid to ask for in my "real life". I hope you can do the same.
Jenny

[brndout]

Originally Posted by jsabbs

I've just been so stressed. With school work, homework, my mom, my sister, everything makes me miserable. I cried again in school because I just suddenly felt sooo sad I couldn't hold myself together. It was aweful. Of course I got dismissed again because the school doesn't want me their when they don't think they can keep me safe. ERR.

I'm so terrified to admit it but I AM feeling suicidal. I just don't want to tell someone because I can't go back to the clinics and white hospital hallways.

But today something happened to me. When I was feeling really sad I think I found part of the core reason I feel so bad as I do.

About a month ago two boys asked me if I ever tried to commit suicide. Just classroom aquaintences. I was so desperate to talk to someone I told them everything. They seemed truly concerned about it and really supportive to me. I was shocked. A couple days later I asked one of them why a stranger would care so much about me. He said because I'm a good person and something about how everyone likes me. The funny thing is. The day those boys talked to me I was planning on going home and killing myself. I was gonna go home and eat every pill in the medicine cabinet. And talking to them gave me hope. Maybe I will be happy someday. Maybe I will find someone to talk to.

I don't believe him. And I think I'm sad because if I really am surrouded by people who like me why don't I have any friends in school. Someone to go to the movies to or have a girlfriend or have a group of people to go hang out with. It is killing me. If you're not happy in life you aren't successful and I am not happy.

Anyway. Today was the final straw and I figured that the hope I had been given was a false one. So I decided in school today I was going to do what I had originally planned on doing. But something else happened. If you remember my story I explained how I was taken out of my school for 8th grade. My new school was Worcester Academy, the one I hated. Well today on facebook I found one of the best friends I had had in a long time and we talked and talked and out of the blue I told her everything about why I left the school so suddenly. She said that if I died she would jump in the grave with me. I told her I wanted to be cremated. She said she doesn't want to be burned alive so make sure I live for a long time....

Twice in a row I planned on killing myself and twice someone out of the blue had given me the hope I need to go on. I don't believe in god or allah or buddha or whatever. I prefir to be called agnostic. But, I just feel like something somewhere doesn't want me to die yet.

Something somewhere does not want you to die, Yes you are right and you recognized it. Doesn't matter really if God, Allah,Buddah or none of the above. What matters is there is a force speaking to you and it seems to me that it is happening all around you but you are not seeing it all. Read your posts and the people posting to you as well. The signs are all around you and yet you focus on not having friends or a group or a girlfriend. These people who are nice to you - have you ever asked one of them to do something with you? What message are you sending out? Maybe they think you don't like them? Give other people a chance and let them in a bit rather than rejecting them for no reason. Let us know how you are.

[kathleen5hockey]

James, I am glad you were "saved" again! Someone once told me - to have a friend you have to be a friend. It's so true. So many people say they don't have anyone. You have to take the first step. What everyone doesn't realize is we are all insecure on some level. I smile all the time, laugh and say hello to everyone. It's an ice breaker. Believe me, when I was a teen I was shy and had no friends, I never put the effort in. Please smile at someone today.

[jsabbs]

Thanks everyone. I just can't help it sometimes. The intensity of the sadness I feel is so strong I feel like jumping down a flight of stairs or out a window or stabbing myself with a pair of scissors. I just don't want to be alive.

I know I have to take the next step. But "facebook" girl already has a boyfriend and Tommy and Ryan (kids at school) don't even hang out together and have friends of their own. Even if I did ask them to do something with me, the fear of rejection or even putting them in an awkward situation is terrifying to me.

Besides. The other day one of them said something to me. "I don't feel like we're friends," he didn't say it to be mean but I think it was because I was sort of neglective towards everyone. Anyways when I got home I did some homework, tried to do it, ran a little, and then went on facebook. I wrote him a message telling him everything from the last post I had made, about how he and Tommy saved my life. Today, ignored me. In class in the hallway. Maybe it's just me being insecure.

I am just so....AHHHHH. Frustrated.

[brndout]

Originally Posted by jsabbs

Thanks everyone. I just can't help it sometimes. The intensity of the sadness I feel is so strong I feel like jumping down a flight of stairs or out a window or stabbing myself with a pair of scissors. I just don't want to be alive.

I know I have to take the next step. But "facebook" girl already has a boyfriend and Tommy and Ryan (kids at school) don't even hang out together and have friends of their own. Even if I did ask them to do something with me, the fear of rejection or even putting them in an awkward situation is terrifying to me.

Besides. The other day one of them said something to me. "I don't feel like we're friends," he didn't say it to be mean but I think it was because I was sort of neglective towards everyone. Anyways when I got home I did some homework, tried to do it, ran a little, and then went on facebook. I wrote him a message telling him everything from the last post I had made, about how he and Tommy saved my life. Today, ignored me. In class in the hallway. Maybe it's just me being insecure.

I am just so....AHHHHH. Frustrated.

Good for you and whatever his response you did the right thing. Who knows maybe he is going through some bad times and was lost in his own world so he didn't notice you. Maybe you should just ask him say that you noticed he wasn't quite himself today and if there is something wrong that he'd like to talk about you'd be happy to listen. That's what you would like someone to do for you. I know that rejection is a scary and sad thing but when you act caring to another human being and they reject you it is not a reflection on you. You will find some true friends, just like we are to you if you show them the side that you have shown us. Oh, facebook girl's relationship can't be that serious with this guy after what she told you the other day. I'm sure she is still on Facebook, just talk to her. Keep us posted .

[Psyched]

James!,
Good to hear from you as always! As Brndout pointed out to you, rejection can be scary and sad, but I think it's even sadder and scarier NOT to reach out to others. You've made quite a few friends here and I know that you can do the same off-line. If you show your caring side to others, I'm sure you'll make a number of friends! As for the others, you have to remember that humans tend to jump to conclusions and they probably don't know a thing about you except what they may have heard from someone else. There are probably a number of other students like you that are too scared to make friends with others and would gladly like to know that they too are not alone.
James, NEVER let others cause you to feel poorly about yourself OR make you feel insignificant or worthless. You are an extraordinary individual! If someone doesn't want to get to know you or be your friend, consider it THEIR loss and move. I promise it will NEVER count as to what other people think about you; the only person whose opinion of you really matters it YOU! Good luck and keep us posted.

[Vic_7182]

Originally Posted by jsabbs

Thanks for all the kind comments. I actually have to admit I feel better than yesterday.

So here is an update for those who asked about it. Last night I cut my self all over, arms, legs, chest, because I was so stressed from a bad day at school. Anway, my mom found out and freaked, like really freaked for the first time. She was sad or upset, she was angry and sick to her stomach. She wanted to kick me out of the house because she can't handle worrying about me anymore. She is a single mom working two jobs. Anyway she was yelling and screaming and threatening to take me to the hospital and refuse to take me home. She is worried about me, she just can't handle me the way I am right now. It makes me so frustrated. It makes me want to cut myself more!!!

I didn't end up in the hospital because I begged her to give me another chance. It isn't fair. I'm addicted to cutting and when someone tries to quit and addiction they have relapses. Plus, putting me in the hospital AGAIN isn't going to magically going to make me stop cutting for good. I just wish my mom could see that.

James
Hey lil bro! How are you doing today? First off, my name is Vic and I'm 32 and live in upstate NY. I know how you are feeling about a lot of issues, like how does my hair look, my jeans, do I look ok? I was always known as a skater as well as my whole group of friends were skaters. In my group of friends I've delt with depression and a couple of my closesest friends have commited suicide. One thing you have to think about while thinking of suicide. Your family and friends! You don't realize how many people will miss you soo god damn badly if your gone. We were always big into grunge music growing up (still am). You know, Nirvana, pearl jam, alice in chains, stone temple pilots, soundgarden. Anytime I hear any of this I get so depressed because my good friends have all but dissapeared because depression and drug abuse. It really pisses me off that they'd leave us here too miss them the rest of our lives. Ya know what I mean? I think you have a lot going for you! I was raised by a single mom also, as my father died when I was 2 in a car accident. Depression can actually work in your favour in a lot of artistic things. I bet if you just sat down and wrote, poems, music, short stories, they would be really worth reading. I learned to play the acoustic guitar when I was depressed. You can get an acoustic for like 50$ bro! Then to learn just search for guitar tabs on google of your fav bands. Its easy dude! You cut yourself because you feel like that's the only control you have, but that's not true! You can control a lot of stuff! Keep in touch with me bro, I'm not a perv or anything, lol. I'm married and have a new baby. I just would like to see you realize how much life has to offer. Another thing to touch on is drugs. Please stay away from pain killers! They are the devil and will make you much more depressed than you already are. Keep in touch bro, Vic

[Vic_7182]

Originally Posted by jsabbs

I've just been so stressed. With school work, homework, my mom, my sister, everything makes me miserable. I cried again in school because I just suddenly felt sooo sad I couldn't hold myself together. It was aweful. Of course I got dismissed again because the school doesn't want me their when they don't think they can keep me safe. ERR.

I'm so terrified to admit it but I AM feeling suicidal. I just don't want to tell someone because I can't go back to the clinics and white hospital hallways.

But today something happened to me. When I was feeling really sad I think I found part of the core reason I feel so bad as I do.

About a month ago two boys asked me if I ever tried to commit suicide. Just classroom aquaintences. I was so desperate to talk to someone I told them everything. They seemed truly concerned about it and really supportive to me. I was shocked. A couple days later I asked one of them why a stranger would care so much about me. He said because I'm a good person and something about how everyone likes me. The funny thing is. The day those boys talked to me I was planning on going home and killing myself. I was gonna go home and eat every pill in the medicine cabinet. And talking to them gave me hope. Maybe I will be happy someday. Maybe I will find someone to talk to.

I don't believe him. And I think I'm sad because if I really am surrouded by people who like me why don't I have any friends in school. Someone to go to the movies to or have a girlfriend or have a group of people to go hang out with. It is killing me. If you're not happy in life you aren't successful and I am not happy.

Anyway. Today was the final straw and I figured that the hope I had been given was a false one. So I decided in school today I was going to do what I had originally planned on doing. But something else happened. If you remember my story I explained how I was taken out of my school for 8th grade. My new school was Worcester Academy, the one I hated. Well today on facebook I found one of the best friends I had had in a long time and we talked and talked and out of the blue I told her everything about why I left the school so suddenly. She said that if I died she would jump in the grave with me. I told her I wanted to be cremated. She said she doesn't want to be burned alive so make sure I live for a long time....

Twice in a row I planned on killing myself and twice someone out of the blue had given me the hope I need to go on. I don't believe in god or allah or buddha or whatever. I prefir to be called agnostic. But, I just feel like something somewhere doesn't want me to die yet.

Me again. You better believe in Jesus Christ as your savour. I didn't at your age either. I got into drugs and alcahol and other unspeakable stuff. Believe that things happen for a reason and someones watching you. I'm not a bible thumper, but am a Christian. It feels so good to know there is someone that is always going to help you when you need them, and the best part is your never alone! Anyway my email is............... v-wireless@hotmail.com, Vic

[tommyboy5]

hello kid. it sounds like youre trying to carry a load on youre shoulders and the world is caving in around you. alot of us here have been in youre shoes. im in a wheel chair now full time and i dont get out of the house much. i feeled judged where ever i go in this world. sometimes you might feel like everybody is judging you or youre different in every way and just dont fit in. i came from a small familly and a small town in oklahoma. up till about five years ago when i turned 35 did i finally start getting a hold of my panic attacks exc. my wife has a huge familly and i would sit and just shake do to the fact they was a huge crowd and they all screamed when talking to one another. i would pretend i was sick or even mad to get out of having to go for holidays. my mother had the same symtoms. and she died with it last year at the age of 61. we gave her a very private funeral because she couldnt stand the thought of being seen by anyone after she died. i cant say that i blame her. after i turned 16 then alcohol helped me.now first things first im not a doctor so dont take my advice. but i can tell you my story. anyway back home years ago if you wanted to meet a nice girl then you had to get out and do things. and i hated that. so i ended up going to the bar alot. i wouldnt even look at a girl not alone speak to one. and then i started drinking. it really loosened me up alot. next thing you know im a alcoholic and im getting married. for the first time. but it was all a huge mistake. my wife was on meth and i didnt have any idea on what the hell that was. or the signs. hell i thought she was just happy alot. worst mistake i ever made. i worked for the rail road at the time. and she was really strung out . come to find out she was selling herself while i was at work everyday and had men coming and going from our apartment building in okc. then the police notified me at work one day after three months of marriage and she had made the mistake of hiring a under cover cop to have me killed. yea that was screwed up. so anyway. she was arrested for attempted murder and was sent to prison. i sure learned a big lesson there. maybe people really are out to get me. that was a dumb joke there for people like me who have anxiety attacks and schytzo anyway i moved on to my second wife. she was great a small town girl who i had known all my life. she was a little younger than me. we went to church together.she came from a good family just everything a man would want in a woman. exsept the thought of knowing she was bi polar. she would get so depressed over anything and everything it was almost unreal. unlike people who just blow off what people think and say she would get so donw it took days to bring her back up again. i took care of her for a couple of years and her mother put it in her head that the doctors was wrong and just out to hurt her. so she quit going to her therapist and stopped all meds and then her mother talked her into coming back home. that really crushed my world. because it was like losing my best friend and a child almost. because she wanted me to handle a lot of simple things in the world for her. to take the stress off. like even cleaning the house and doing laundry and paying bills exc. so we got divorced. now through all this i had to handle my problems and theirs to . except i had to put mine away. but then after that happened i moved to texas and didnt talk to anybody for two years and just worked out all the time. never dated or even had a friend while i was down there. i became what you might call a hermit. i really sunk into my own depression in life. and started using drugs and alot of alcohol just to function in daily life. but i finally got myself together and went and got help. and learned alot of things i didnt realize was going on in my life. now im 39 living back in oklahoma and im married with three kids now and just had my first grand daughter yesterday. you might be saying waite a minute how could his kids be old enough to have their own kids. easy. my oldest son was four years old when i married his mom and now he is 19 going on 40. he married his high school sweet heart when they graduated high school. so that makes me grandpa now. im really a out spoken person now. my wife and kids say all the time dad you never met a stranger have you? i always laugh and say nope. but one thing that helped me is i went and got help and started taking prozac once a day. for the past 12 years. it really helped me with the symtoms like you are having, and it never hurts to ask for help, one thing i can tell you though is you have youre whole life ahead of you and before you know it you will look back and laugh at alot of the things that used to bother you. take care of yourself kid and quit worrying so much about what other people think. everybody has their problems to. its called being a human. i know kids in school can be so hard on you at times. but they are only there for a little while. and you dont want to ruin youre life by what other people say. the best doctor you can have is inside yourself and someday meeting the woman of youre life will help you out alot. when youre feeling bad and need a friend to talk to. and yes woman you marry someday are there for more things other than just sex. sex is something you have before you get married, ha ha ha but its true though. ask anybody. hollar back anytime im here everyday. if you just need somebody to listen. big tom from oklahoma outa here.

[cherry14]

I've been busy with work the last few days, James, but I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I hope you are hanging in there.

I can totally feel you on the fear of rejection issue...I've felt rejected all of my life! I never had a lot of friends in HS, and to this day, I am SO afraid of approaching people, letting anybody know my feelings, etc. I have a hard time realizing that if they don't show an interest in me, it's not necessarily about ME...it's about them. If someone DOES reject you, it only says so much about YOU, because they don't even know you. They don't know what they are rejecting. They are taking their OWN opinions and impressions and making a judgement and that is NOT at all a reflection on you.

It's hard. I'm almost 30, and I'm single again....I sit back and wonder, what is it about me, that I haven't managed to find a relationship that would last? I can't think that way, though. Sometimes, things just are what they are. There are people in my life, friends, family, that tell me what a wonderful person I am, that I'm "so beautiful" (I have an aunt that will gush on about me so much it's embarrassing, lol....how *gorgeous* and *smart* and all of this ********....you'd think I was the Miss America of Mensa to hear her talk, haha!). I have to remember then, that there ARE people out there who think the world of me, and if I KNOW some that do, surely others do that I don't realize (if that makes any sense). I get the feeling that how I see myself is very different from how other people see me. I made a comment the other night at work, in fact, about what I was eating and how I shouldn't be eating it, since I recently put a few pounds on (I was off work due to a leg injury, so was completely inactive for 2 months) and none of my clothes fit. The gal that I was nearby goes, "but you're so skinny!" I thought, ok, WHAT?? We often have such a deep opinion of ourselves, that we can't see what anyone else sees. The fear of rejection can be worse than the rejection itself, BUT, if you don't take a chance, then you KNOW nothing will happen....but, what could if you DO take a chance, KWIM?

Somewhere in all that rambling, I had a point... I hope you can see what I am talking about.

ALSO, I can't not say this~I agree with freshstart....was also very upset to know you thought so much about it, and were so set on attempting it, without even coming here first. We may be a faceless community in cyberspace, but we all have come to care about you (and more simply, LIKE you), and I know it wouldn't just be me that would be devastated to find out that something ever happened to you. Worse, we WOULDN'T find out, since we have no way to do so, we'd just be left hanging and scared out of our minds. PLEASE, PLEASE, if (I won't say when, I hope it doesn't happen again) those thoughts come in to your mind, promise you'll check in here. We want to know what is going on with you. For me, I might be away a few days when I have work, but I come back, and I look for this thread and any updates first thing.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friend.

[jsabbs]

Sorry. It feels like it has been such a long time since I posted here. But, still...I am here. I hope you guys and gals didn't worry about me too much

So, here is an update. I still feel like $h*t on the inside and I feel like hurting myself with what ever I can get my hands on. I hate to admit this, but I have to be honest here because there is no point in lying here. I did cut myself Thursday night. Except this time I was being "smart" and I cut myself on my thighs, above the lines of my boxers. I like to walk around the house in my boxers and it would be suspicious if I didn't. And then the next day in gym class I sat out of the game and grabbed a pair of scissors out of the gym teacher's box of supplies and stabbed myself in the hands the entire class. It had been so long (like a week and a half) since I had cut and oh boy, I really felt like I needed that. Which is bad, I'm aware of that. My mom found the cuts on my hands, but I told her that it was from my finger nails and she believed me because I had done something similar like that in the past.

But on the positive side, my family now has family counciling twice a week with a Family Stabilization Team, person. I find it to be helpful, but extremely annoying because now I see councilors 3 times a week. To me that is a lot of time spent telling someone the same stories over and over again. It is only for 3 months so we'll see how it works out.

And no offense to anyone who has told me this on this website. But no matter how many times someone says I am "special" or "meaningful" or "amazing" I just cringe inside because I just can't see it. I appreciate it sort of, but I can't take compliments. My mom tells me all the time how I'm so skinny I look sick, but it makes me feel fat, someone says i'm so talented and I look at all of the things I fail at, someone tells me I have an impact on so many people I look around and see noone. I don't know why. I'm my own worse enemy and that enemy is really, really, really, extremely, powerful and more powerful than me right now. And guess what...that really sucks.

P.S.
I just want people to know that I really do appreciate all the posts you guys have made. And I really appreciate and read through each and every one of them. So to Vic, I do have a guitar in my house but never cared to pick it up. I promise I'll give it a try because it is always something I wanted to do. Tom, the whole wheel chair thing would terrify me. I was wheelchair-ed out of a hospital once and I was dying inside because, lets just face it, wheelchairs attract attention. But thanks for sharing your story. Brndout, Pysched and Cherry, promise to update you soon.

[Freedom4me]

James,
Glad you posted. I won't give you a long cheerleader email. I will just tell you I am glad you are working through stuff. Keep trying. We will be here for you. I don't walk in your shoes, in fact, I struggle just to walk in my own. Take care. There are some good people here, as I'm sure you can see by their posts to you, and we all wish you well.

[Vic_7182]

Hey lil bro! Glad to see your post. I swear to you that if you pick up that guitar and go online and look up your favorite songs guitar tabs, that you will be hooked and have an awesome outlet. The tabs are soooo easy to learn too. They basically tell you which finger to put on what fret and string! Let me know ho you make out, oh ya and chics love a guy who can rock the guitar! Later, Vic

[addicts wife]

If you kill yourself now you'll never find out if things might have gotten better. When I was your age I talked my parents into letting a suicidal friend stay with us, her family was in major meltdown. She had tried to kill herself 7 or 8 times usually by ingesting things. Now 15yrs later she is a single mother with a straight A's daughter making over $60k a yr and owns her own house. If she had succeeded in any of those attempts when we were younger that beautiful intelligent daughter of hers would never have existed. Now she can't image life without her. Tomorrow might be a better day but if you die tonight you'll never know. Please hang in there.

[jsabbs]

I really need to vent right now. I am so amazingly sad...I can't even describe it. I'm desperate because I'm getting worse and worse, but I'm "faking" and making my mom think I'm getting better and better. I cut myself again, badly. Very deep and very messy, all along my legs. I hate my so freakin' much. I'm just soooo sad and hopeless I don't want to be alive anymore. I just don't want to exsist. Life is so hard!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated I don't even know what to right down on this post, and that is a bad thing if I can't right something because it is twice as hard to describe it in words.

I just feel like crying. I want to cry so bad but I keep holding it back. When I got home from school today I went up into the attic and tried to cry, but I was so worried that I would sound funny crying (I know it sounds stupid) that I kept on holding it back and choking. I vomitted for cryin' out loud because I didn't want to cry! So I've been sobbing like a little girl for the past couple hours and I have no respect left for myself because I feel like such a wuss.

I just want to cry to my mom, to Tom, Ryan, Facebook girl, Rachel, another person who now knows about my issues. I just want people to understand what I'm going through but I just can't find the courage/strength to do it. I don't want to be judged, or made fun of, or have people talking behind my back. I just don't want to live any more and I hate me soo much for it. I just want to cut and burn and cut and burn at my arms till I can't feel them anymore.

Now I don't even want to post this because I read it over and realized how stupid and immature I sound. I hate it!!!

[melinda7.5]

Hi James

You really do have a lot of people on here that care about you...
I read this thread every time you post to make sure your Ok...
Hang in there the school years are just plane hard...
Kids can just be mean , but your going to be out of school one of these days.
try to work on your school work and get really smart. try to do something so you can look forward to the future...

don't worry about what you post on here...we will accept you just the way you are...
you know your talking to a bunch of druggies Right

Hang in there...
do me a favor...sit back and put a big smile on your face and know that we care about you...
Talk to you later, Melinda

[Psyched]

James,
I'm glad to hear from you today. I hope this doesn't sound silly, but being in the profession I do worry about you and all of the others out there who, unlike you, don't ask for help. They're the people we all see everyday and probably don't even give them the time of day or even a second glance. I really hope you'll be able to over come all of the things that are keeping you trapped in your own hell...I hope you will find someone close enough to share your problems with who can help you. I hope I don't sound like a broken record, but you see...we all have feelings that we have to deal with, some really unpleasant. Today, I attended the funeral of a 24-year-old college student that had been a patient in my care just 2 weeks ago. I realize as a care-giver, we aren't "supposed" to personalize things, but this kid had a lot going for him and against him at the same time. I makes me feel like a failure when people take their own lives and makes me angry at the same time at hospitals and such like the one I work at that are in it for the almighty dollar and move people in one door and out the other as quick as possible in order to get to the next patient with insurance or money. I really have begun to feel more and more dis-illusioned by it all, but when I see your posts here, it gives me a bit of hope that what I do matters.
Anyway, kiddo. As I was saying before I started to ramble, you can post on here anytime I personally will read it and post back because I want to help you find the strength to move up and on. See ya later.

[ilovejesus]

Hi james, reading through the post and seen yours. I read about your relegion beliefs and believe me with anxiety I could not make it with out my lord^^^you should maybe visit a church or read the bible, very interesting and when you need someone to talk to just get on your knees and ask god to guide you. You might think Im crazy but I read where you was thinking about bad things and two different people intervened. Well god put those people in your path for a reason and always know that if you take your own life you will burn forever and that is very scary, so just think about it . It will help you, as the saying goes LET LOOSE AND LET GOD , I ramble alot with anxiety but today I was in a clothing store when a older lady fell out, there was a nurse there and a nother person starting working on her, they lost her several times but she kept coming back and of course I panicked but I also prayed for the strangers that pitched in and the sick woman. I dont know the outcome but I do know god heard my prayers and he will hear when I pray for you. Life will be better and God bless^^^

[alyson10]

James

i know life is tuff' and i would never sit here and compare lives...in reference to why people think theirs is so bad...but please don't get angry when i ask this...why do you feel that your life is not worth living?? what makes you want to cut yourself? i know you're thinking that you've explained it before, but all i understand, and excuse me if i'm missing something, is that you were diagnosed with depression.i am one who believes that all emotions come from an underlining cause...what might yours be??

Aly

[kathleen5hockey]

James, my daughter is going thru what you are, except she shoots dope. She doesn't have any friends, cries alot, becomes angry at me etc. Alot like you. The problem is no one can change it but you and her. Will try to get her on line to talk to you. She actually started cutting before the drugs. I wish I knew the answer that would take away both of your pain, all I can say to both of you is pray for answer. Corney, yeah, but the truth. Good luck. We are all fighting some kind of battle, never think you are alone.

[jsabbs]

Well I haven't been able to post here because I was put into the hospital last Wednesday (June 10th). So I was sent home today so I could go to school for the last day, but the nurse wouldn't let me go to class and made me sit in her office so I called my dad to pick me up and here I am posting again.

Well I was put in the hospital on Wednesday after the school nurse saw me walking around gym class bleeding from deep open wounds on my arms and rushed me to her office. She cleaned them off and put band aids on them. Then I was put in the guidance office and said I was going home. I then threatened to overdose on pills and cut myself if she sent me home so she called th EMTs to come and drive me to UMASS. After I left she found a knife, drugs, and a suicide letter in my backpack. So she had to go around and tell the principle, vice principle, dean of students, school psychiatrist, guidance councilor, EMTs, and report to the hospital I was suicidal.

If you are interested in the real story and what really happened let me know because MY MOM and ME are sick of telling everyone else what really happened because no one seems to beleive what WE say.

[Better Days]

James,

I am 15 too and although I may not cut myself I did have a friend who did and eventually he died from it. I felt HORRIBLE about it because not only did I know about his problem but I didn't do anything about it and didn't try to stop him from cutting himself. In fact I felt so bad about it that I fell into my own problems in the form of pills, It started with T3 w/codeine and like everything else it escalated.

Now, I'm not going to go into details because that is now why I registered/posted this. What I did post this is because there was a point where after I got off the pills there was nothing that stopped me from being mad angry sad, I tried drawing but I was terrible at it and it actually made me feel worse, I used to play sports but if it didn't go perfectly I was even more mad just like with drawing. Absolutely everything I tried failed and basically I was seconds away from a relapse.

Now I'm not religious, I am very very far from a religious person but now that I think about it seems to good to have been coincidence. As I was about to relapse I found a pen and a pad of paper and something told me that I should try writing. Now I'm not talking about a story I mean writing LYRICS I am a fan of all genres but I starting writing I guess you could call it hip-hop/poetry and It worked amazingly well! Even if what I wrote wasn't great or even very good I found that expressing how I feel in a song helped me alot and it made me think in the way of "now what rhymes with _____" and just like that I spend 3 hours writing a song instead of doing drugs or in your case cutting. The best thing about writing is there are no limits, Unlike drawing where you are limited to what you are good at drawing. As long as you know words (you clearly do) you can write about anything, even cutting yourself no matter how gruesome I found that writing is the best way of expression, here is how I started when I first started writing

I'm going insane and I can feel it
The last marble fell out, I can't conceal it
It slipped out and went down the drain
and all my attempts to stay sane went in vain
I sit here in constant pain, while things around me stay the same
I have nothing to strive for, and nothing to gain

As you can tell very sad and depression, but as I felt better my writing evolved into:

You will never know how much you mean to me
Showed me the things that I could be, you really did set me free
You gave me my own destiny, so now I hope you rest at ease
You let me do as I please, but always gave me some advice

Much happier this was actually dedicated to my friend that cut himself to death.

Also if you want a topic maybe you could write about why you cut yourself and do what you do.


So my next idea is this, I am leaving my e-mail so if you wanted to you could send me your rhymes or you could ask me for advice or we could even make a song together

here-to-help@live.ca

I also recommend that you do what freshstart said and sit down and write or draw or do whatever you want as long as it is not hurting you or anyone around you and you can express yourself.

[jsabbs]

I know it's been awhile. I was very angry at the school nurse for lying last time I posted and I have just been busy doing whatever and haven't been able to sit down and write. So I guess I'm just going to post one last time instead of just leaving everything in the dark.

So I haven't cut myself since June 10th. I get an urge every now and then, but I'm pretty sure that the cutting has been turned off for the moment. It usually goes in seven to ten month cycles where I would be "clean" and then start up again...But anyways, that is where the cutting is. Depression and anxiety is low because school is out and some of the social pressures are gone. Still trying to stay connected via FaceBook I still get insanely confused and frustrated and overwhelmed but...I'm not sure why.

Anyways. I just want to take the chance to say thanks to everyone who has helped or given me advice or even their opinion. You wouldn't realize how helpful talking here has been for me.

Until a crisis rises again, thanks and goodbye.

[freshstart]

Buddy, listen up for a second. I want you to read your last post and really hear yourself out. You solved half of your problems and you dont realize it.
1. You know your life "cycles" and you even have a partial time line down.
2. You pinpointed that school/social environments are an issue for you.
3. You admitted that we have helped you by allowing you to vent and post and let out how you really feel to people who will NOT judge you, rather give you honest, well meaning advice. And, you have heard from others with similar issues and close to your age who RELATE to you.

Just because you feel "ok" right now, why would you stop posting or expressing how you feel on here? We're all still here. We are all concerned about you STILL. Its not about just coming here for a crisis or AFTER something bad happens or is happening. This on some level, wether you agree with me or not is/was theraputic for you. It seems as if more so than some of the hospitals/doctors that were so called "helping" you. You felt better on here at times and you found a new way to express yourself. You learned some new ideas on ways to relieve some pressure and stress and vent. The last thing you want to do is stop posting now. We arent waiting around to hear about something bad. We want to hear something good that happened to you. Thats the purpose.

Look at it as a therapy. People dont go to therapy only after something bad happens. And once it does, they usually go forever. Not just until they start feeling good again. They keep going to stay on track. Maybe posting on here and reading eveyones feedback will provide you with some insight that you havent heard of before. Or someone new will suggest something to you that is helpful that nobody has yet to suggest. But to just turn this forum off until something bad happens to you again and then just pop up and tell us how miserable you are again is pretty silly, and I mean no disrespect to you. Its just as if you are using this as a tool that you need in times of crisis. This should be something that you build off of in the good times too to help you deal with times of crisis or to help you possibly eliminate the times of crisis or at least postpone them.

Please consider the many people that have truly reached out to you and are concerned with your well being. Now we feel like we have to wait to hear from you until your hurt or wanting to die and its as if once you post again we will know there is bad news. Reach out to us anyway and just say hi. You dont need to do it everyday, but I dont feel as if once a week is too much to ask for. Tell us how your summer break is going or if you met a girl or saw a movie that you really liked. Or if the heats kicking your butt. Whatever. Touch base with us for the good. Its nice to hear good news sometimes on here too. This place can be very dark for long periods of time and thats why we all stick together brother. Got me? Do Not Be A Stranger JSabbs. If you dont check in and ask me how my summer is going, im going to friend you on facebook, and I already saw your pic (i think)
So I (we) will expect to hear from you OFTEN my friend. Do we have a deal? Im breaking your stones because I care about you. Is that so bad.
Talk to you soon my friend. Enjoy your summer break and i'll look forward to your response (or the response to my friend request if you dont )

Fresh

[melinda7.5]

Hi jsabbs

I have to agree with fresh start, I thought the same thing when i read your last post...it would be great to hear from you all the time good and bad.
and just one more thing I think Better day could use a little help from you...
I know your good at helping...

OK talk to you all later, Melinda