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I'm a Believer
  1. #1
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    Default I'm a Believer

    First, I am so thankful I found this forum and for all the people here who have posted their stories of getting clean and all the people here who have already become drug free and stick around to give advice and encouragement. I have been here reading and learning for about 3 weeks now and have learned so much and been inspired to finally make my own jump off hydro.

    I am 50 yrs old, have been a nurse for 20 years working in nursing homes. I had no traumatic injury, nothing I could point to that caused my injury, just chronic physical abuse I would imagine. In 2005 I started experiencing right shoulder pain to the point I couldn't work. Went to the ortho, xrays, cortisone shots (OUCH!!), PT, a month later no improvement, repeat same with same results. Finally sent for an MRI and found 5 of the 7 cervical discs are herniated causing nerve compression and pain to the right shoulder. Drs advised that neck surgery is seldom successful and prescribed norco and exercise. I thought it was a godsend at the time, I could continue my active lifestyle with little to no pain.

    After about a year (maybe, hard to remember) of course one every six hours didn't do it, went up to one every four hours, then two every four hours sometimes three hours. By this time I was no longer working and had found how to get all the meds I wanted. There were no Dr shopping laws here yet and at one time I was going to a different PM Dr every week. Texas finally caught up and passed the law last September. That was a big wake up call, a few weeks after it passed (before I was aware it had) the pharmacies went online and I was called out by a pharmacist who totally freaked out and read off to me all the pharmacies I had been to and all the meds I had gotten in the past month. I could only think that I was going to jail and would loose my nursing license. Even though I hadn't been fully employed as a nurse in a while, I could NOT loose my license. I love being a nurse and worked hard for that license and it is one the major accomplishments in my life.

    I started weaning/tapering myself and by last week was down to 5mg twice a day. I know I was never what is considered a heavy user, but I had experienced some nasty wd a few times and just did not want to go through that again. I was online for probably the hundreth time looking up opiate withdrawal when I found this site. One person's story (thank you Willow!) and the dedication of the ex-users on here to help strangers get clean convinced me to make my jump (a new word I learned here, lol). I finally let myself believe I could do it when Robert_325 told me I was on such a low dose already that my wd should be bearable.

    I took 5mg 4am Sunday and that was to be my last. Sunday was bearable, not great but no big physical symptoms. Monday I was a mental basket case, physically could NOT sit still. Monday evening there was a small domestic misunderstanding that I of course blew totally out of proportion, and since I couldn't take a pill decided to self-medicate with alcohol (I am a just a light-weight social drinker). About midnight between the alcohol and the mild wd and unstable mental state, I decided to take the last 5mg that I just had not been able to get rid of. Woke up Tuesday morning hung-over, disgusted with myself for taking the pill.

    So I have had nothing since, made it through Tuesday by just being a lump (something I have gotten good at after all these years of medicating). Slept fitfully last night (not unusual for the last couple years), and I feel, dare I say it, OK this morning.

    I know this is getting too long, but I want to mention a little about what this has cost me. I can't even begin to figure out how much money, I am personally broke. I got my dream car a few years ago, I love that car, I put it up for a title loan and would have lost it if my S/O hadn't paid the $3000 to get it back. They had repossessed it, a non-opiate clouded mind would have taken that as a sign to make a change. I have always been healthy and active and spent a lot of time and energy to look good. I have gained 30lbs over the last three years or so and stay in my pj's 90% of the time, I blamed it on menopause, now I am sure it was the pills. At first they give you all kinds of energy, superwoman, can do anything. Eventually they turn you into a lump whose main activity is getting more pills. My 12yr relationship with the man of my dreams, is just barely hanging by a thread. He has had enough of coddling me and rescuing me and listening to all my promises that never get followed up. I know it is going to take time and work to repair all the financial and emotional damage I have done to myself and others.

    Am still counting hours, 30hrs now, and will be very glad when I can say 2 days, a week, a month, a year. I am still Hopeful that I can do this and get the real me and my life back.

    Thanks again to EVERYONE here posting their experience and advice, I haven't been able to post much, but I have been here soaking up the encouragement.

  2. #2
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Hopeful, welcome to the start of a new life! You seem to "get it" attitude wise and that will guide you through.. First things first... Take a deep breath. The next few days (3 or so) just concentrate on one thing and that is treating the symptoms that pop up.. Don't obcess on anything but that.. You will have plenty of time to "fix" things and wonder about all the lost time, but for now just worry about treating those pesky symptoms. I went through much of what you did.. From the professional job in the medical field to the dr shopping... I ended up surrounded by police at a pharmacy and still ended up using after the shock and awe subsided.... Point is, I had an injury and I had the knowledge to get what I wanted from many drs beucase my pain was legit... Funny thing is, those Advil really do work.. ha... Anyway, know that we are here for you and will help you in any way we can! All my best, Reid
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  3. #3
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    Thank you Reid, I really don't think I would have decided to quit and actually believe I could do it without all of you here!
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  4. #4
    Freedom4me is offline Advanced Member
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    Hopeful,
    Reid is spot on and he and I have been through this together and are fast friends/family though we have never met in person. So glad you understand about the alcohol...that can just be switching addictions. I ALMOST went down that road but thankfully I too recognized it in time and before it too became a big problem. I naively thought it would help me get through the sleepless nights. IT DOES NOT. It's been over 3 years and things are great. Sleep is great. Life is great. Family and friends are great. Keep it up. You will be amazed at the life that awaits you!! You are lucky to have someone who stuck with you...treasure that person! Best of luck and keep fighting!
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  5. #5
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    Thanks Freedom, I know I have gained so much knowledge from reading all the advice from all of you who have been there/done that. A little rough around the edges physically now, but mentally clear ( I think). One of the hardest things I have had to accept over the last few months is that I am an addict, plain and simple. I worked with mainly rehab patients, shoulder/knee/hip replacements there for PT, I encouraged them to take their pain meds so that they could do PT and get better. I wonder how many I talked into becoming addicted, oh well, karma, will work on that later. But I thought of myself the same way, I hurt, I need these pills to function, even after I stopped functioning. This site has helped me to accept that I am an addict but that doesn't mean there is no hope for me.

  6. #6
    Freedom4me is offline Advanced Member
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    I love your attitude....you will be successful and it will be great to watch your progress! Welcome to the family and stepping out of the darkness!

  7. #7
    kathleen5hockey is offline Advanced Member
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    Good luck! With your great attitude you will help your patients as well as yourself.

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    willow22 is offline Member
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    Cool, you got your own thread started. Glad to read your story

    Those darn domestic spats can sure send us into a tailspin when in w/d.

    Getting busted at a pharmacy is mortifying. I wanted to choke the smug little newbie twerp that shined their spotlight on me with glee. In hindsight, it worked out for my betterment.

    The elders here have imparted their valuable wisdom for you. Cling to it as I have, it's a lifeline. I'm just so pleased for you, Hopeful! You come to my mind often. I know you can do it! ((hugs))

  9. #9
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    Thanks Willow, glad to see you back here!!!

    I can't believe I have been hanging around here for three weeks and couldn't bring myself to post anything and now I can't stop, lol. I guess I have found my voice!

    I just did something probably stupid, but I did it and made it through without taking anything. One of my more normal drug friends, like me only takes the norco and nothing else, just so he can work as hard as he does. I owed him a favor. Anyway without getting into details, I am home still drug free, had no desire to even touch one, and I could have come home with plenty, easily. I did think about telling him no, but he has been good to me when I needed him. I realized I am going to be tested in the future, the chances are really good that when I go back to work I will be around meds and other employees. Nursing is hard on your body and probably 80% of the people doing it for any length of time have something, somewhere that hurts. So I passed my test and gave him my share as a good-bye, thank you present. Told him to call me when he is ready to quit!!! Think I will send him the link to this site before I delete his number.

    Soon as I was done, I put the top down, cranked the music and drove til the gas light came on, felt really good!!!
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  10. #10
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    Here I am well into official DAY 3, went out for dinner last night and had a Texas size margarita and slept great. Woke up at my regular 4:30 a.m., have always been a morning person. Feel ok, still a little fuzzy mentally, will see if the roller-coaster emotions hit again. Am trying to keep myself on an even keel there, not obsessing and not thinking about tomorrow. Physically, still no real wd symptoms. Tired, but then I have actually been more active in the last few days. I have been craving water, and I am not a water drinker, coffee and diet coke only! Now I have to keep my water bottle with me and am continually drinking, I guess my body knows what it needs. Extra trips to the bathroom just because of all the water, no immodium needed. Still not much appetite, but that's a good thing! I am making sure I eat small amounts of healthy stuff and at least one banana and glass of skim milk a day. Feeling a little nauseous, have to make a trip to Walgreen's for tylenol and meclizine. Am still counting the hours since I last had a pill (57 lol), and that is because I am still thinking about pills, but I DON'T want one.
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  11. #11
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Go Hopeful GO!! The next few days are about exactly what you are doing.... Taking it as it comes and treating the symptoms you feel.. Embrace those symptoms that are good and curse the ones that are bad, all while telling them that "they" are NOT going to win. WE are rooting you on, so post as much as you need! We are here for you... All my best, Reid

  12. #12
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    Major huge craving right now, I miss the feeling of not feeling. Just got home and had a pounding headache (diet coke wd?) and my neck was really hurting. Took an aleve, out of tylenol and will deal with stomach ache if and when, got in the hot tub for a while and now just exhausted.

    The rest of the story, just got home from taking my 8yr old granddaughter back to the hospital. She has Crohn's, a nasty nasty auto-immune disease of the intestines. Has been having a rough time since December, pretty much hospital for a week, home maybe 3 weeks and then back to the hospital. Only progress being made is figuring out what DOESN'T work. Has a great team of Dr's, at least we are lucky there to be in Houston, and just have to have faith in them. Sometimes hard when we are the ones watching her suffer and they only have to see it for a few minutes at a time. Oh well, life, stress, take deep breaths.........

    Now I have 45 minutes until I have to pick up the other kids, 2 9yr olds, no not twins, one his one hers, yeah the math gets complicated. Better yet......birthdays, 9 yr olds 12/21 and 12/24, 8 yr old 12/29, seriously. We call them our Trips, cause they might as well have been triplets.

    But they are good kids and love them to pieces, and of course they behave like perfect angels for grandma, well close enough. They have schoolmates across the street from me they play with (we only live 3 blocks from each other, could send them to dad later but he gets up so early for work is just not worth it), if they get bored they can wash my car, I can even pay them extra since I don't need cash for pills, get pizza delivered and netflix. Sounds easy enough.

    I can do this, I can. One step at a time.

  13. #13
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Hopeful... you hit the nail on the head with your quote "I can do this, I can. One step at a time", but I would change one word... substitute step with event.... As you are getting clean, that first week is filled with symptoms. That is your primary focus over and above anything...period... HOWEVER< I understand that life's events pop up (great timing huh) and we are forced to deal with them differently then we had in the past... In the past, problem=excuse for a pill.... big problem= two pills... anyway, you get the idea.. NOW, look at how you handled today.. As hard as it was/is YOU DID IT... YOU HANDLED IT without the pill... That should be your take away... Feel good, if only for one second... That is what you need to look for.. Just keep doing it... one event at a time, all while focusing on your primary goal of treating those symptoms... When I went through my first 5 days, I would get angry at the symptoms when they popped up... I was convinced that there was NOTHING, no situation. NADA that was going to get me to give in! So, for these first few days, feel good about the seconds of achievment that in the past you would have used as a reason to use... Today, you made it without using... We are cheering for you!... Reid

  14. #14
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    Thanks Reid, it really does feel good to know all of you are here and taking the time to help. This place is like my little safe haven. It is just so great to be able to read everyone's story, and to be able to open up to others that know exactly what we are going through while getting clean and the right things to say to keep us on the path.

    Day 3 has been a little rocky, besides all that has gone on, had my first REAL craving, but got through it ok. Still no big physical symptoms, except sneezing fits, what's that all about? The other things I can understand, but sneezing? Will have to google it. Emotions are still bobbing up and down, but seem to be getting closer to the shore, the waves aren't as high. The pain in my neck and shoulder seemed pretty real at the time, but now is gone completely. Have to wonder if it was really from the bad discs in my neck or if it was brain pain, lol. All in all I still feel good, happy and proud of myself for making it this far. I am going to have to find my MRI to figure out if it has been 4 years or 6 that I have been taking the norco. I just can't remember for sure. However many years, it was too many, and I never went more than 16 hours without a pill for that whole time.

    What you said about taking a pill for any and everything, so right on the mark. That was my life. So many times I told myself, I can't do that till I have a pill, and for the last year or so, when I got the pill I didn't want to do whatever it was I took the pill so that I could do!!!!

    I am also convinced, nothing can happen that is going to make me take a pill, my brain and my body are just going to have to get used to the idea, taking a pill is NOT an option, so deal with it.

    Time to drag the kids in and throw 'em in the shower, they are excited, tomorrow is their end of year Field Day. Not sure what all that entails, except they need money for it.
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  15. #15
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Hopeful ..... remember that using pills makes nothing better. The reason for using is still there when the pill is gone and you've probably made it worse by using! We use because something went wrong, we use because something good happened, we use because it's raining, etc. You never have to use again! God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  16. #16
    Comeback Kid is online now Senior Member
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    Pills="happiness" happiness is such a weak emotion. It can be ruined because of bad traffic. Its contentment and peace we shall all strive for. Happiness will come and go just as the day does. Don't hang your hat on one moment. Keep up the good fight!
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    Hi my name is Adam, i'm an addict
    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    “If I can't win what sense does it make to fight?” -Father Martin on Step 1
    Clean as of 05.30.2014 (4:00pm)

  17. #17
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    Thanks Robert and CK, words of wisdom indeed, I will keep them with me today

  18. #18
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    keep rocking HH! We are rooting for you. The sneezing. HaHa... Been there done that. The body is an amazing thing huh. From the poops to crying at a charmin commercial to sneezing like I had pnuemonia, I saw it all and could not believe it. I was hot, I was cold, just every feeling in the book... But the good news is, once you go through this and your body is back to normal, there will not be one second where you will want to feel those nasty feelings again... I remember the first time I got sick for real.. I was like... Soooo this is what it is like to be sick for real.... I laughed it off smiled and was even more thankful that it was not WDs.. Have a nice day! Reid

  19. #19
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    Just a quick post before I am off to the next fire. Weird night, midnight was exactly 72hrs since that last 5mg hydro, woke up chills, sweats, RLS, muscle spasms in arm, creepy-crawly skin, lasted less than 10 minutes, not even long enough for me to actually get out of bed, just enough to say ok if that's your best, I can deal with it. I know I am lucky to have already been tapering before, so the physical hasn't been bad at all. I also know I have to keep on top of it mentally, can't let myself fall into that trap of thinking it was easy. I KNOW if there was ever to be a next time it could be pure hell. I remember well the hours when I was out of meds.

    Feel ok, somewhat rested, think I am going to have to cut down on the coffee though, brain scattered and hyper. Needed it to get kids off this morning. Don't think I have ever heard the word "Grandma" said more in one hour.

    Sweet memory I haven't had in a long time.........My first grandson (I have 6 g/kids) who will be 12 this month (how did THAT happen??), the first time he called me "Grandma" and I cried, was such a sweet word to hear coming from that precious child.

    That is a good thing to keep in mind while I head out in Houston rush hour traffic to get downtown to the Med Center, mom needs a break. Waiting on MRI to see if need more surgery. As a nurse I always avoided pediatrics, can't stand to see them suffer. Ok self, stop thinking about what might be and just deal with what is, hell I have to live through 3 freeways first, 17 miles and will be REALLY lucky if make it in an hour, realistically closer to 90mins.

    Hope everyone has at least a GOOD day if not a great one, and hey any day without drugs is a GOOD day for that reason alone!!!!
    caughtagain likes this.

  20. #20
    mike46342 is offline New Member
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    hello,i was hoping u could help me out with the induction process.im down to 2mg per day and am having a hard time going down further. i would deeply appreciate ur help
    Last edited by ddcmod; 05-18-2012 at 04:46 PM.

  21. #21
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Mike, the best thing to do is start a new thread with the title, help with sub taper induction. Robert will come along and see it and try to help you. Actually, give me a minute and I will start one for you. Look for it and post on it and tell us your history. Thanks

    All my best Reid

  22. #22
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Threads up.. I called it mike's induction thread. Hit need to talk at the top of the page. That will show you the different threads. Look for yours and click on it. This is the best way to keep track of your journey. We are rooting for you. (If someone has Roberts link of Sub therapy can you please put it up)... Reid
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  23. #23
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    I'll post it.
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    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  24. #24
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    Home again, got a few minutes til the terrible two get off the bus. The third is doing ok, nothing new yet, had just gone down for MRI when I left. Got a smile out of her this morning anyway, she has a new thing, she doesn't talk when she is in the hospital, to anyone. Psych said don't worry as long as it is just in hospital, just a coping thing. Poor baby, only 8 and probably been through things ten times worse than any of our wd's. She does get norco every 4hrs , but only while in the hospital thank goodness, and usually only needs it for a couple days til they can figure out a new plan. We have been through lots of plans so far.

    Left home earlier and there was a wreck at the intersection 3 blocks from home, not a good sign. But it made me remember that I know a back way to the med center with no freeways (drug brain probably wouldn't have remembered that). Turned around, put the top down, cranked up Elton, and had a nice drive there, little less than an hour. Even got what looked like the last parking space at the free parking in the church lot, take that med center, not getting $12 outta me today!!! Is 3hrs free parking when not having church or wedding or funeral, were just shutting it down for funeral when I left right under my 3hrs. Decided it was so easy, might as well come home same way. Forgot that the tourists and delivery trucks would be out by then. Am getting a bumper sticker that says,

    "I AM NOT WELL-MEDICATED"

  25. #25
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by HopefulnHouston View Post
    Home again, got a few minutes til the terrible two get off the bus. The third is doing ok, nothing new yet, had just gone down for MRI when I left. Got a smile out of her this morning anyway, she has a new thing, she doesn't talk when she is in the hospital, to anyone. Psych said don't worry as long as it is just in hospital, just a coping thing. Poor baby, only 8 and probably been through things ten times worse than any of our wd's. She does get norco every 4hrs , but only while in the hospital thank goodness, and usually only needs it for a couple days til they can figure out a new plan. We have been through lots of plans so far.

    Left home earlier and there was a wreck at the intersection 3 blocks from home, not a good sign. But it made me remember that I know a back way to the med center with no freeways (drug brain probably wouldn't have remembered that). Turned around, put the top down, cranked up Elton, and had a nice drive there, little less than an hour. Even got what looked like the last parking space at the free parking in the church lot, take that med center, not getting $12 outta me today!!! Is 3hrs free parking when not having church or wedding or funeral, were just shutting it down for funeral when I left right under my 3hrs. Decided it was so easy, might as well come home same way. Forgot that the tourists and delivery trucks would be out by then. Am getting a bumper sticker that says,

    "I AM NOT WELL-MEDICATED"



    You've got to be aggressive and know where you're going in Houston traffic. Roads are like someone spilled a bowl of spaghetti out on the ground. I know Houston like my home neighborhood, can go across Harris county in any direction without getting on a freeway and beat the traffic every time. I pity new people who move here. Cute bumper sticker! God bless.
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    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  26. #26
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    Have been here 12 years, and I STILL get lost everytime I try to take a shortcut, yes even with GPS, lol.

    Got a last minute grandma reprieve, the 9yr olds are going to their respective baby-daddys, gonna take advantage of the time, the good mood, the good weather and head out to parts unknown on the Harley, as soon as the driver gets home!

    Hang in there everyone, it DOES get better. I might still be in for some more nastiness, but right now I feel great.
    shybaybe2003 likes this.

  27. #27
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    I almost forgot how many hours it has been, well into day 4 hydro free, at midnite it was 72hrs, I need a calculator........guess I can maybe start counting days!!!!!!
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  28. #28
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    Had a good night, was good to get out, I had forgotten how long it has been since I felt like being around people. Kept hearing "It's good to see you again", I guess I have been MIA for a while.

    Slept ok, a little restless, wide awake at 4am, so decided to head back up to the hospital. 5am Saturday good time for freeways, most of the drunk drivers have crashed by then, one way or another.

    New plan for g/daughter is more surgery, she has been pre-medicated and sleeping, waitiing for OR to be ready for her. Be here most of the day, and tonite if all goes well so Mom can go home and get some rest.

    No real cravings, was thinking HARD about a valium earlier. But it passed, and I know better than to go there.

  29. #29
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Hey Hopeful, just wanted to see how you're coming along.

    God bless the little ones, they can go through some horrific things physically and tough it out far better than most grown ups. My thoughts are with her, you and family.

    Reid said: you hit the nail on the head with your quote "I can do this, I can. One step at a time", but I would change one word... substitute step with event.... Meant to address that in my own thread and spaced. (Nothing knew there ). I like that wording. Very much. "Step" implies physical effort, work, initiative we must take and what our brains might tend to want to back away from in the state they are in. "Event" feels more palatable, like something we pass through or maneuver instead and get to the other side. Does that make sense? Anyway, I like that phrase very much, and carry it with me.

    Hope you have a great day Hopeful, you're doing very well, stay strong!

    P.S. Yes, start counting those days and watching them grow, they are hard-earned & yours to own!
    Last edited by willow22; 05-19-2012 at 10:53 AM.
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  30. #30
    shybaybe2003 is offline Senior Member
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    i am sorry to hear about your grandchild. My thoughts and prayers go out for her. By the way you are doing terrific. You seem to have a really good strong mindset. Keep posting, good going and...you go girl!

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