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I'm 100% positive adderall ruined my life.
Maybe I could be going through a depression, maybe I am just heavily addicted to drugs, but I am almost certain this has all happened because of adderall.
I started taking adderall when I was going through a hard break-up. 20mg regular tablets once a day. I got prescribed 40mg twice a day because the 20 once a day was giving me really bad comedowns, to the point where I would drive to the gym and not be able to get out of the car, and I would just sit there, like scared ********************less to go outside or to even get out for some reason, and I would drive home and lay in bed for about 4 hours because I felt dizzy, cold sweats, extremely tired, my left arm and fingers and toes would go numb, my heart would beat out of my veins in my neck, and any sound would be like smacking pots and pans together in the kitchen, I would literally twitch and shake in bed like an addict. The 40mg still gave me comedowns, but not as bad.
Then I switched to 30mg of XR adderall, which seemed to work well. I still got really bad anxiety driving in traffic and everything would irritate me and i'd get shortness of breathe around 3pm until about 8pm. I still got all the physical symptoms but I stopped having anxiety attacks for the most part. I then switched to 20mg XR adderall because I felt I was on too high of a dosage because something just didn't feel RIGHT and to be honest, it hasn't felt RIGHT since I started taking this drug.
After the 20mg XR, it started making me somewhat emotional, always crying and feeling like something was wrong but I couldn't express it or know exactly what it was. I switched to vyvanese 50mg which are equal to 30mg of adderall XR. This did NOTHING for me. It was like taking a pill to make you a mute zombie. I stopped taking these because I thought they made me into somebody with no personality, and just recently got back from a vacation in which I used some of my friend 20mg (NON XR) tablets of adderall, which was what I originally started with.
She brought up something really interesting. My best friend told me that she noticed that I have lost my personality. She said that I stare at the walls and I don't speak to anybody, and if somebody approaches us, I look at her like I am scared of them and don't know what to do and start looking really uncomfortable. I am a really outgoing and loud person who communicates really well with everyone, so hearing this was really shocking.
She's right, though. Whenever I go out in public, I find that it seems like every single person is staring at me or talking about me. I spend hours in front of the mirror doing my hair and make-up and will not leave the house until everything is perfect. When I do go out, my only concern is making sure I keep my apperance perfect and nothing gets dirty and hair does not get on my clothes. When somebody says something funny, I cannot smile or laugh. I feel like my smile is plastic and nothing is funny or amusing. I don't joke anymore. I don't laugh. I DON'T EVEN SPEAK! I just nod my head, but cannot bring myself to speak to anyone. I feel like I am walking around half asleep in a zombie like state where everything looks blurred and I feel as though I am not really even here, or that I am someplace else when people are talking to me. And when people ask me questions, i become easily irriated, like why can't everybody just mind their own business and stop speaking to me.
Not to meantion the dizzyness, the headaches, the anxiety and paranoia and the comedown every night. I have developed an idea that demons are in my body and they are eating me, I am scared to sleep alone or to be anywhere alone yet when I am around others I cannot interact with them.
the BIGGEST sign to me, was when my boyfriend goes to hold my hand or tells me he loves me, I do not wish to touch him and I do not feel ANY KIND OF EMOTION. Do you know what it's like to not want to be close or touch the person you love? Do you know how it feels to tell somebody you love them and feel like you are just speaking to speak and you cannot feel anything? I am an artist and a writer, and I cannot write music or poetry unless I am drunk or on sleeping pills. I used to write about 5 poems a day and have not written one since I have been on this drug.
Now, I am constantly tired. I am constantly in a haze and nothing makes me happy. I was in vegas and I was bored. I stare at the walls and have no emotion or desire to get up and do anything. I have no job, I have no life, and I do NOTHING i love to do anymore. I used to love going to concerts but I don't anymore because I feel like everyone is staring when I go and the traffic makes me nervous. I can't go out because it takes me 5 hours to get ready and all I care about is my apperance when I do. I can't tell my boyfriend I love him and express how much I feel because it feels like as much as I want to and I feel it, something won't let it out. I can't even CRY for christsake! I crashed my car because I didn't feel like I was even here, I was in a daze and I didn't even cry over it. I just stared. That's all I ever do now. I have no personality. I'm not even who I am anymore. I don't joke, I don't laugh, i'm not loud, i don't speak, i can't communicate, i can't do anything i was GOOD AT.
And what scares me most is, I cannot stop taking it. I cannot. There are NO BENEFITS for me in this drug and I can't put it down. I'm so scared, I have no idea what to do. I know I am addicted to adderall and I know it has made me into this lifeless person.
I am thinking of calling my psychiatrist and telling him to not prescribe me anymore, then going to therapy and going off all meds for now. I am really scared that I might not recover though. Has this ever happened to anybody? Do you get your old personality back? How long does it take being off adderall to get your old self back? I miss it so badly, I just want to be who I was. I just want to know if I stop now if I can get who I once was back. I'm losing everybody around me, i'm scaring my boyfriend and myself.
I have been taking adderall since the end of january 2008 until now. Today was my last day (so I say right now). I researched this online and figured out the adderall was giving me these side effects. I constantly feel sedated. Does anybody have any good advice about getting off this drug and getting my life back together? I'm 20 years old and supposed to start college in less then a month. I'm going through a huge depression over what this has made me into and have no idea where to start or where to turn. My best friend told me all I do is talk about adderall. Are there any reccomened anti depressants that might help me? I was taking 20mg lexapro with my adderall but lexapro makes me into a zombie as well. I cannot take any anti anxiety or sleeping pills because they made me very overly emotional and depressed, too. I just want to be balanced and still keep who I am.
Any thoughts, suggestions, similar stories, anything would be of great help.
Thank you so much if you read all this. I know it was kind of monotonous but remember, I am a zombie right now.
One last thing, I realized tonight that when the adderall wore off, I started speaking normally to people and laughing and having fun around maybe 10PM. Everything before then I don't remember even. After a few hours pass, I don't remember what I was even doing before then when I am on adderall. How scary is that? I lost my mind.
As a patient I feel we have a responsibility to the doctors to let them know when a drug is not performing the way it is intended. Why in the world would you keep taking the adderall if it did this to you? It sounds like you had problems with it from the start, but kept taking it. Not every drug works the same for every person. Ditch this stuff! I take adderall and it has NONE of the reactions that you are describing. NONE! This is definetly not helping you. You need to talk to your doctor. Let him/her read exactly what you have posted here. Terribly sorry you are going through this.
Greenday is right. You are experiencing serious side effects. Not like your mouth is a little dry or something. Sounds like your life is pretty miserable. You should copy and print your post and take it with you to the doctor ... he will start changing things immediately. And things do need to be changed immediately. We all react differently to the same medications to an extent. If a med really affects you adversely like this say something, tell them you need something different or nothing at all. Let us know how this goes for you. Good luck.
Last edited by Robert_325; 07-23-2008 at 01:54 AM.
Haven't been posting much lately as summer is busy time for the sport i do and I am gone, gone, gone! Will be around next couple of weeks so I will be catching up with everyone here. How are things going for you?
How are you doing? Are you hanging in there? Please fill us in on what's been going on with you.
Originally Posted by greenday
I really need to ask you about Adderall...I've done a TON of reading and research but I really want to hear your personal experience...I am thinking that it is a med that could really help with an opiate addiction. I have been on ritilan and dexedrine...now the dex helped reduce the opiate cravings but had a not so great affect on mood. I can't see why these drugs are addictive at all...anyway...I have an app. today and I have read that Adderal *because of the mixed amphetimine salts and not just pure dextroamphetimine* is a bit "smoother" and can have maybe a bit of a mood "lift"...and not be so harsh...can you tell me how it makes you feel? Side effects? Your dosage? Is it the Extended Release or Instant Release?
Sorry for so many questions, but your response will really help.
Well...here goes. I will try to answer you questions.
Anyone who reads my posts will know I was a perk addict for 2-3 years. At one point I was up there (like 8 oxy10's a day, everyday). On Dec 7, 2007 I quit cold turkey. I struggled with the detox and then ever worse the everlasting cravings. I never caved in, but if they had been around I sure would have. I guess around 4-5 months clean I began thinking about why I took them in the first place. I have always been lethargic and unfocused. I got through the attention deficit stuff when i was younger, but it took such a strong willpower. I was not hyperactive which made me think I didn't have ADD. Finally one day I said heck with it and made an appt to see a psych dr. I told her exactly how things were for me and she said I was classic add. She tried me on depakote which was TERRIBLE. I HATED it. Then adderall. I was very leary going into the adderall. The first few days were rough, all the classic symptoms but I gave it 5 days and by the 5th day everything had settled in nicely. I finally was able to get things done! I didn't lay in bed sleepless with worry over all the junk I hadn't gotten to that day.
Now here is the best part. For me, I never have the desire to take more than prescibed of the adderall. In fact, each month that I have been on it I have extras left over. I have only been on it for 3 months, but i don't feel in danger of over medicating. I think this is because it does NOT make me feel "good" or "high". It simply gets me zeroed in on my tasks. And I will tell you honestly, other family members have had vicoden and percocet perscriptions on several occassions in the house and I have NEVER wanted to take one. Not once.
I think the reason I got into the opiates in the first place was an attempt to deal with my ADD. I am so thankful to have found this medicine for me.
Sorry if I rambled, but i wrote this really fast so it's not well thought out. let me know if you have more questions.
I just re-read your post. Left out a couple of things...
I am not on controlled release. I prefer the regular because of my ever changing schedule. I always take the morning dose and the noon dose, but many days I don't take the afternoon dose. Just depends on what I am doing. I can control it better and limit the amount I take easier.
As far as how it makes me feel...humm..well let me put it this way. When I wasn't on adderall I would get up in the morning and dread the junk I had to do in the day to the point of never doing it. Everything seemed slightly overwhelming , like OMG DO I HAVE TO GO TO DMV AND STAND IN LINE TODAY???. Then I would never go. When I take the adderall I think, OK gotta go to DMV...yuck, but LET'S GO DO IT. And I do it. Everyone in my familiy is amazed at how much calmer I am over things that used to send me over the top.
As far a how it feels physically. that is hard to describe. It's as if you are at a concert and there are lots of noisy people all around you and you are listening to them all talk at once. Then you take the adderall and the people are still all around you talking, but much more quietly so you can concentrate better. Does that make any sense???
Robert is going to read this and think I have REALLY lost it LOLOL. I am writing this so fast as I am late to an appt and wanted to get back to you before I left....
One more thing. I did a lot of research on the depakote and the adderall on a website called askapatient.com. It was FABULOUS!!! I can't say enough great things about it.Type in the drug name and read the ratings on it along with the comments. You can really see how one drug can affect so many people so differently. You get the good and the bad.
Greenday..I LOVE askapatient.com and have been looking on it for a long time and have it in my favorite places. Isn't it funny how all the controlled substances like level two always get the higher ratings...lol. Depakote messed me up to by the way ZOMBIE. That is so awesome the you were aware of and had access to pills and you didn't crave them or try and get them. They say alot of opiate addicts have ADD or other mood disorders...you are smart to think about the reasons why you were taking them in the first place.
just speaking my mind on your topic, don't have time to write a lot but wanted to say i agree 100% and i experienced almost exactly the same. i've been on adderall since i was 10 and i'm now 24, only stopped 2 years ago. i am also 100% positive being on a constant stream of amphetamine from childhood has ruined a huge part of my life.
You asked why anyone would continue taking a drug that is not working for him/her...I am guilty of having done it numerous times. I think it must be the fact that I want to give the drug a chance before turning away. Sometimes it takes a while for these medications to build up in your system before you gain the true results.
You are absolutely correct about needing to see a doctor. Just wanted to mention that sometimes we want to believe that the next pill is going to be better, and then maybe the next one will be the one to change my life....
It's the sad truth...a desperate reaction to a desperate need.
It's been two years since you've posted. I hope you've found some peace in your life. Your post just described our second son. He graduated H.S. in 2008. He was in his third month of college when he visited a family doctor who prescribe Adderall. He dropped out of college and two years pasted before he finally hit the wall. He ended up in the hospital for a week in the crisis center. He had a psychotic epsisode brought on by Adderall and 7 other prescription to counteract the side effects. YES, completely out of control. The hospital wanted to have him commited to a mental institution. It was HELL on earth.
Fast forward. My son has now be off of adderall ( and all the other nasty chemicals presribed by the greedy healthcare system) for about 6 months. How? My wife and I both have M.D.'s Mother and Dad degrees. Believe me, it has been a living hell making him go cold turkey.
Even after being released from the hospital, he started thinking he had ringworm ( open sores all over his body ). One open sore on his stomach was the size of a baseball, the doctor told him he was alergic to a nickle belt buckle, which the doctor presribed more medicine.
Then it progressed to him telling us 'snakes' were coming out of the sores. You call this healthcare? Current healthcare has become HELLCARE for our family.
Parents, please do everything you can to avoid these medications. It will destroy your family.
Wow. I've been on Adderall for years and never experience any sort of hallucination or anything. I'm prescribed quite a bit. I know of alot of people on it and I've never heard of anything like this. Man, what kind of daily dosage? I would think the amount it would take to produce those kinds of side effects would give you a heart attack first.
Hope your son is doing well, but, Adderall works very well for me. I know alot about pills and Adderall has been a life saver the last several years. But, I truly have AADD, so it works like it's supposed to. Best of luck with everything, that's a disturbing story if I ever heard one and a darn good reason not to overtake this medication. I mean, it says AMPHETAMINE right on the bottle...
Last edited by ddcmod; 11-10-2010 at 07:38 PM.
i digressed after i mentioned the psychedelics but >> like to mention that they completely turned my life around. now im totally normal but im the most intellectually interested person of my generation ive ever met besides only ONE person, who is a great friend.
psychedelics are the most effective therapy anyone can ever go through. i didnt even take enough doses to hallucinate besides once, and i was still fully aware of everything, besides the fact that things were moving around and melting a little. these drugs really do expand your mind in the sense that they widen your perspective on reality. i might have killed myself by now if it werent for them and now i love life and i spend all day thinking about epistemology, ontology, religions, nature, metaphysics determinism, quantam physics and string theory from an existential perspective which helps me really see them as htey really are because i was too conditioned to hating everything to realize how amazing everything is
Imissmyself i totally understand what your saying. I feel the same way. very emotionless. When im not taking adderall im a very caring person and nothing matters more to me than my girlfriend, but when i take it , it makes me stop caring about everything but sex. And i will look at other girls and talk to them like i want to get with them. It makes me feel horrible. Its like I totally lose control of myself. And i want to stop taking it but somehow i always go back to it and take it again.
my puzzle life
Ok this might be a little hard to follow but everybody bare with me and see if you can figure out the puzzle of my life. i was prescribed adderal when i was 13, i have horrible add, it takes me at least 3 hours to get out of the house even if i have all my clothes on when i go to bed and everything in a single bag that i would need to take with me for fear that i am forgetting something, i wonder aimlessly through the rooms in my house to see if im leaving with out something, i cant complete a single task, i can never get myself out of bed, its almost torture to go to work i call in sick at least once a week! anyways towards the end of high school i started developing stomach problems which 4 years later they found out was pancreatic enzyme deficiency (we'll come back to that) so i started smoking marijuana to ease the stomach pains because the doctors for years thought it was acid reflux and told me to take a pepto bismal! needless to say i didnt tell the doctors or my parents no thanks the weed works better, so without getting the professional help i need the marijuana became an overwhelming part f my life, i ended up dropping out of high school as you can probably tell by my grammar. and in Georgia the law for medicare is you must be in school if your over 18 to be on your parents insurance which i was no longer on because i was not in school, i started selling the adderals for weed money after i had been on them for 11 years, also during those 11 years i experienced almost the exact same zombie effect thats mentioned again and again in this forum so i had no problem quitting, i loved myself when i wasnt on them ive always been a funny and very social person just not very motivated, with no school to worry about i didn't feel like i needed to be motivated (very untrue) jobs came and went, i cycled through many different addictions because i always felt like i functioned better if i was high on something somewhat like the adderal i guess i was used to that feeling of a chemical driving me to do something, anyways flash forward, about the time i turned 20 my parents had been hounding me to get of the couch and get a job and i just could not explain to them why i couldn't plus by this time the stomach pains from the pancreatic enzyme deficiency hurt soooooo bad! and i was a pot head, with hardly any food actually digesting i weighed about 95-100 pounds (which i was always skinny because adderal had a terrible effect on my appetite )i was ALWAYS sick, i was very malnourished to the point my hair started falling out, so finally after 4 years my parents said lets go see the doctor, well they discovered the pancreas problem and got me started on zenpep right away to my surprise i gained almost 50 pounds in about 3 months, my stomach still hurts about 3 times a day and goes away when i eat, if i go to long with out a meal it starts hurting terribly, so now that we had that health problem out of the way my parents were concerned about the pot smoking ang the motivation, they thought the marijuana had caused this, when in fact i concentrated better high then i did sober, so they had the bright idea of getting me back on adderal, the first day back on was like i had a constant stream of cocaine going up my nose, my eyes were wide open and i was a mean cleaning laundry doing machine, i did not notice i was not eating a thing, and i could not eat a single thing if i tried. well then came the stomach pains times 10. if i dont eat breakfast by 2 o clock im laid up in the bed with my knees to my stomach in agony, i kept trying and kept tryin the doctors tried vyvanse and aderall xr and the pink 20s that were supposed to last 4hours i even tried just taking 5mg a day! still no appetite and i cant deal with not eating it doesnt matter how motivated i am i can do anything with the stomach cramps, and im not some overweight kid who needs his debbie snack ive never weighed over 145lbs, i actually eat pretty healthy, so i had to stop taking the adderal also because it gave me horrible anxiety like i always had a turkey in the oven and my house was probably burning down by now they tried lexapro and they made me not give a darn i was up in the clouds and just loopy and forgetful hence the name wheres my cup cause this is all my friends here from me is where's my.......... so no more adderal and no more lexapro, still a pothead i just couldnt stop it was the only thing that made me at least 50% functional, and thats stil horrible i hated it, i felt like i had let my parents down so bad being there only child and now at 21 and still worthless, recently and it started recreationaly i started using roxy 30's i started using them to come down off of cocaine, that was another attempt at trying to get my butt of the couch lets just say that ended badly after about 30 days with alot of my stuff at the pawn shop, i had no problem quitting it tho surprisingly, so i noticed that when i took the roxy 30's i could work all day without giving up, i was funny and social, i could eat!!! i could sleep!!! (also the adderals kept me up till 5am every night) i was on time to work! my parents were so proud of me i felt amazing, i dont know why im talking in past tence because this is still the matter, im doing about 2 roxy 30's a day, but im working HARD just to support that habbit but it almost feels worth it to see my parents this proud of me, im also very proud of myself ive never felt like i was 100% functional ever in my entire life, ive never felt this normal. but i know this cannot be the answer. my wallets suffering for this i mean im spending close to 250 bucks a week with nothing to show for it but happy parents who have no idea this is going on, also ive quit smoking marijuana which almost brought my dad to tears after getting on to me for 6 years to stop, they also work very nicely for my stomach pains, but i know my wallet, my parents wallet and my liver are the ones suffering but i dont know what to do i dont want to go back to being a lazy bum on my folks couch again, but i know they dont prescribe roxicet 30's for add. somebody help tell me where to turn what to do, i cant take any form of amphetamines because of this stomach issue its like a catch 22. ive tried every form, generic and dose out there. ive tried every illegal street drug there is and no hope there (of course!) this seems to be the only thing that works but i know this cant be the answere also "imissmyself" i know very much how you feel i felt like you were describing me, i hope this has helped somehow maybe you wont feel so alone because i feel like 11 years of only eating once a day and being so malnourished has done this to me, i think thats why i feel like i must be high on something it doesnt matter what but something to focus
Just wanna say...
I'm posting this because I found this thread through google, so I'm hoping others who do this will read through all the comments AND study on objective sources before formulating their biased opinion.
I am a 22 year old male, and I just started taking adderall, and I'm probably not in the same boat as most of you since I'm only on the 10mg instant release, but I feel like many strong prescription drugs like adderall get a bad rap mainly because those that have no complaints don't say anything.
Most of my young life (kindergarten - 5th grade ish) I was a relatively bright, active kid. Never struggled in school, took honors and advanced learning classes whenever possible, was emotionally stable, albeit a bit hyper and sensitive, nothing I didn't grow out of.
Then, around 6th grade, I started to get lazy. I've tried to rationalize exactly what, aside from puberty, could have caused it, but I never oculd put my finger on it. I was basically becoming how greenday described himself, I would dread doing anything I didn't fully enjoy. If there was any part of a class, job, extracurricular activity, etc that I deemed unimportant or uninteresting, no matter how trivial, I would refuse to do it. It started with math class in 6th, then gradually started to spread to other regions of my life, but the epicenter was my education. When I started high school, I would cut so many corners, it was fortunate that I even passed many of my classes. I did graduate, but barely, and thanks to the grace of many teachers that I wish I hadn't lied to.
By the time I graduated, where I once dreamed of going to a 4 year university and such, I could barely bring myself to go to work on time, barely ever attended class at the community college that in middle school I would scoff at (most of my friends were the over-acheiver type) and gained tons of weight, eating far more calories per day than I needed. I rarely slept, and when I did I was falling asleep closer to morning than not, regardless of exercise or how long I had been awake. I would drift off in the middle of conversations I didn't find engaging, no matter what the situation, and rarely remembered events without someone reminding me.
Then, a few months ago, my memory and attention problems got worse. I researched a few things, found an online quiz that guaged a general likelihood of ADHD, and scored an incredibly high number (like 89 out of 100, 100 being the most ADHD likely). I took that to the family doctor who, after reading it and asking me a few questions about my history and a few other possible symptoms, prescribed me the adderall I mentioned above.
So far, it has done wonders for me. I'm engaged in conversations, my confidence is far above what it used to be (I'm terrible in social situations normally), I have no problem performing "mundane" tasks like setting reminders for myself or cleaning my room/workspace/car, my hunger has curbed and I've already lost some (but not too much) weight. I'm a MUCH more efficient worker (i work in an office) and as far as school, for the first time in my life, I can look at the things like busy work that would put me off before and actually accept that they are necessary for my ultimate goal of doing well in school, and complete them. I can get out of bed and actually be awake and ready to go, as opposed to before, where I would be groggy, dopey, and essentially still mentally asleep for the next 2-3 hours of the morning.
So far I've been on adderall 10mg instant, taking 3 at about 7 am and 1-2 at around 1:30 depending on need (night classes). Other than being a bit jittery and jumpy when the effect first hits, curbed hunger, VERY dry mouth, and some headaches and VERY mild displacement when I come off of it, I haven't had any problems. A few late nights, but I'm used to that, and if it gets too late I've got some diphenhydramine HCL (very common sleep aid) to help me sleep. I don't take any on weekends and have never taken more than 3, nor had any desire to. Other than being a bit overly talkative and loud at times, which I've been controlling fairly well, I haven't had any problems with it.
Sorry if this was terribly long. I tried to break it up but I really wanted to speak my mind on this. Adderall has, dare I say, made me so far an all-around better person. My mind still drifts a bit, but other than that it's worked wonders for me. I always considered using medication like this to be a failure in some way, like people were giving up and relying on drugs. This decision was tough and long coming, but I'm glad I did it.
No matter what, even if you didn't read my post, PLEASE, if anything, PLEASE research unbiased reports of drugs like this. Look up exactly what they're made of, how they work, etc from UNBIASED and informative sources before making a choice.
Thanks, and good wishes.
"adderall has ruined my life" was the exact keyphrase i typed in my BingBar 2hrs ago.
i just typed ihe words i felt..outloud..not so much for question but as statement..the only thought in my head..the only words to describe the only one true thing i know,i know.
i don't know anything more
because before i never knew
the things i thought were new thoughts
well, became part of me
part of what i already knew and gave reason for the new thought thatstemmed from knowing so much more than before
more that most i knew
in fact i'd never known anyone who thought like me and knew so much more
about so much more
than anyone i knew
i always thought to myself
if people only knew
how i thought
how i knew
so much more
than all of you
than theyd see
the part of me
that makes me know more
then anyone, anywhere
my new thoughts
became new knowledge
was so much less
than anyone one i knew
or had ever known
that they knew
nothing was ever new
with what i thought
never knowing more
because i knew
meant nothing more
because i knew
i knew less
than anyone, anywhere
but that was before
before i knew
what i'd thought was knew
before i knew
what i saw as new thoughts
teaching me so much more
than ever before
making me more
were nothing more
each new thought
i thought i knew
was nothing more
than an illusion
a mirage of thoughts
in vastness of old
making me see as new
that anything i'd seen before
what i know now is that what i was what i saw what i new
the development of a mind
mislead by thought
tarnished by habit
and ruined by wear
of this illusion
what i see
as the only thing left
of my delusion
is to see
the only thing i know
to think nothing more
than from this day
to the only thing i know
tomorrow is new
i can no more
be the me i was before
before i knew
the me of old
so i go
with the only thing i know
and i know
and i feel
what i know now
and i have more than the less i had
thanks to all
your combined words
depict my life
such a common ground
we start from
yet end up
wasting so much living
by thinking what we are taking to fix a problem
will ruin so much potential to ever finish what they started.
Last edited by suann333; 10-07-2011 at 09:05 AM.
Dude honestly, I really hope you read this because you just typed out my life story. Everything from the cold sweats to becoming some mute zombie. However what really got me the most was the fact you brought up how you couldn't express nor feel any emotion. Especially when you brought up your boyfriend. After reading that, I know I'm finally for once not alone. My boyfriend has been fighting me about how weird I get when Im on this ????. Vyvanese? I can't honestly say I've taken that specific drug but when I would buy my extra addies for the side (I would be prescribe 30 of the 30 Xrs/monthly and still would have to buy extra bcuz sum months I couldnt last a wk. No I wasnt selling my prescriptions I poped all of them) my dealer sold me these 40mg pill capsuls that were white and a turquoris kind of color spilt in half. Maybe its Vyvanese idk but that F__K my head up just how you describe mute zombie. On the real after reading:
the BIGGEST sign to me, was when my boyfriend goes to hold my hand or tells me he loves me, I do not wish to touch him and I do not feel ANY KIND OF EMOTION. Do you know what it's like to not want to be close or touch the person you love? Do you know how it feels to tell somebody you love them and feel like you are just speaking to speak and you cannot feel anything? I am an artist and a writer, and I cannot write music or poetry unless I am drunk or on sleeping pills. I used to write about 5 poems a day and have not written one since I have been on this drug."-imissmyself
Thats been how I've been acting towards my bf on && off for the past 6months. It kills inside. The funny thing is there are so many things ii wanna say to him expressing how I know that werent meant for eachother etc. but ii cant find the words or I know exactly wut to say but ii said it so much ova nd ova nd ova again in the head cuz its racin 500mph that it starts not to makin any sense to me.
Honestly, I really think we can help eachother out & deff.learn
from one another. I came to this site because if it wasnt for my bf ii wouldnt even notice I had this bad of a problem. I mean I knew it was a problem; I started gettin my own script's from a psychiatrist who is either compelety retarded or is makin that $$$ everytime he signs off on a script to every client that comes through his doors, idk..(It is so easy/sad in a way how I even told the Doctor[not2mentionMyrecord] that I had a serious problem in the pass with adderall); But back to wut I was saying if it wasnt for him actually layin out how awkward, weird, non-passionate, everything that I am not (Im a hyper,bouncy, in ur face type of person [which ii think its hilarious bcuz ii wasnt diagnosis with ADD/ADHD.. no it was depression nd a mild form of Bipolar a.K.A this "war on drugs" is Bi-bullSHiiT)
Hello - Thank you so much for your post. I think that everything that you described explains my sister's behaviour over the past 2 years since she started to take adderall. I see that you posted in 2008. I am wondering if you are off of adderall and your experience - and if you have any recommendations. My sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I beleive that this addiction to adderall is her primary problem.