[Dying_to_Live]

My name is Eric, I've been addicted to opiate pain killers for the past 5 years. It started with my left lower back, hip, knee and foot injury while serving in the United States Marine Corps. I was discharged honorably for medical reasons and was prescribed 10mg Hydrocodone. I received 120 pills once a month. But they were mailed early and so I got them twice a month.

Anyways, I was in a lot of pain and built up a tolerance quickly, so I started taking more and more. I do have a past history of drug addiction and abuse while a teenager, before the Corps, and I quickly found myself addicted to the Hydrocodone. It progressed fast and was out of control before I knew it. I went from the Hydrocodones to Oxcycodone to Oxycontin. Because of all this, I lost my wife at the time, my daughter, my house, my job and my car. I have been in and out of jail for the past two years and now am in college, but am failing due to the drugs.
I know that I am talking a lot, and that I am bearing my soul, but I am at the end of my rope. I've went from taking them orally, to snorting, to the lowest to me shooting them. I've not shot up in a while. But I am still hooked and the drugs are still interfering with my life a great deal. I've been given a gift from GOD that I feel I don't deserve. The Dept. of Veterans Affairs has paid for my tuition 100% given me a 2009 Dell laptop and 1k a month to attend school, and I am continuing to allow these drugs to destroy me and my life. If I do not stop now, I will not make it. I need help.
I've read some stuff on this discussion board, and it seems that you guys really care, and want to help. Please help me. Please talk to me. Please give me some tips on how to stop. I can't go through the full D.T.'s because I have school. I just really need someone to talk to, help me. I really want to stop, I have no choice.

Someone, please, please, help me.

[melinda7.5]

Hi Dieing to live
We have all been there...But the good news is there are ways to get you out of this mess...Is there any chance you could get some subs or do you think you could do a taper ,,,I know you said you didn't want to go cold turkey
But that is the fastest way ...were are all here for ya...just let us know what you are thinking and how your doing...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[Dying_to_Live]

Thank you very much Melinda, it's great to know that there are people that care. To get such a fast response is really encouraging. I've tried tapering, but I just end up manipulating my girlfriend who is helping me. If not her, then I lie to myself. But, to be honest, I think now, I have finally come to the end and am ready to really put 100% into quiting. I've taken Methadone today, I've noticed that it last's a lot longer than other opiates which is good. I have two that my girlfriend (Mysti) is holding onto for me until the morning. So I am gonna try that.
Do you know if I go cold turkey how long it will take for the worse part to stop? My last college class for the week is on Wed. and I don't go back until monday. But, after next monday I won't have to go untli that following monday due to Veterans day, so i'll have a week.
Thank you again.

[melinda7.5]

Hi Dying to Live
I feel for ya...I was addicted to so many drugs and spent so much money ...I never thought I would ever get out of the mess I was in...
but life is good now...
if you go c/t the worst part will be over by day 4...and things will start to get better after that...when your going thru it...it seems like it takes for ever but after it is over you say to yourself WHY didn't I do that a long time ago...
you really can get a lot of support here...
I would stay away from the methadone...that stuff is really hard to get off of...
My drug of choice was oxycontin...and I did way to many ...
If you can get a week off work that is the best way to go ...just think to yourself I'm going to have the stomach flu for a few days and leave it at that...
post a lot and let us talk you thru it...

Talk to you soon, Melinda

[caughtagain]

Hi, I just wanted to pop in and lend my support. My story is not much different then yours. I ate perc, vikes, oxys... You name it, I ate them Caught again refers to the fact that many years ago I was a liar, a cheat, you name it I would do it to fufill my love of my partner the opiate. About ayear ago I hurt my back and was back on pills, which as I got better I contimued to eat. I too scarificed a degree at the time (i did go back), but the point is WE understand and can help. I was one who was taking up to 30 whatever a day the first time, and this last time I was up to 12-15 a day. I went Cold turkey with a modifiedd Thomas recipe. You should look at the positive, you posted, you took that first step. By doing so, you now have many supporters that will guide you through. The next step is deciding which route you want to go. ME, personaly I just did the CT and was done with feeling like ******** after 5 days. What you need to do is embrace how you feel, know that you DON;T want to feel this trapped anymore. Then Embrace the fact that for 5 days you are going to feel like you have a bad flu. I promise after day 4 or 5, you will look back and smile. Remember, this is a process, not an event. So, keep posting and lets get started! WE are here for you and will guide you through........ CA

[Dying_to_Live]

Thanks a lot guys. I just took 20mg of Methadone. That's all I have left (for today). I guess that from Wed. to Mon. would be enough time to go through these. But, just like an addict, I'm telling myself that I need to wait until Mon. to start D/T's, that way I'll have a whole week. But really, it's just so I can keep doing Roxcy's and Oxcy's until then. I mean, there is some validity to waiting until Mon. I will have more time. But, honestly, it's more because I want to keep using.
I've an amazing support base at home. My parents, brother, sister-in-law and most helpful and meaningful to me, my girlfriend (Mysti). So there is no reason why I shouldn't just do this. I have ya'll to talk to too. That is really helpful and encouraging to me. You guys have been where I am, and made it through. I really appreciate you. Much love.

[RubyDean]

DtL, If you do decide to go cold turkey, you are really going to need some help. The thomas recipe, and you will need to make sure you don't have any pills around. Going thru a cold turkey detox knowing you can run out and get and oxy/roxy when the going gets tuff makes it very difficult too. I would suggest you have some serious support, and try to get your girlfriend to help you through this. It might also be a good idea to give her all your money so you have no way of getting something...if you are serious about this. See, just like you were saying above, putting it off till monday, you still want to get high for a few more days. 'gonna kick tomorrow' mentality won't get you there. getting clean sounds like a great idea when we are high, staying clean when we are sick is the hard part. have you thought about suboxone? just curious.

[Freedom4me]

Dying to live,
I really hope you do this. I can hear how serious you are. It's time to do the hard work. You will be so so very happy you did!! You have some great people here to post to who will never let you down day or night. You let us know hwen "its on" and we will check for you posts day or night to push you though. You can do this.

[Dying_to_Live]

I really want to start tomorrow, I say tomorrow cause' I've already taken some Methadone today. But just the thought of going through the horrific D/T's makes me cringe. I mean, it's really not too bad I guess. It really is just like a flu. But what makes it SO HARD, is that unlike the flu I know how to make it all just go away in an instant. But you are right Ruby, if I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, it will never happen. It needs to be today. GOD, I'm so nervous. The worse part for me, are the panic attacks that I go through when I D/T, and the muscle aches.
I'm not, nor ever have been addicted to Benzo's (Xanax etc.). Do you think that would be a good idea to take a little bit of that for the first couple days?
I Will Start Today......Aghh!

[RubyDean]

Have you checked out the 'Thomas Recipe'? Just look it up, it is here on this site, and it contains everything you need to provide the most help during a cold turkey detox, and yes, benzos are one of the ingredients, and it will help. Today is a great day to start, and we will help you as much as possible...Have you thought about trying to go to an NA meeting? It really helped me, and many others. especially at this hard point you are at, the beginning, the surrender. Just like this site here, talking to other addicts in person, and hearing them share the message of hope can be extremely helpful. All the will.

[bestday]

Dying to live - Hey There! It's great that you decided to post and ask for help. That's a big step, so be proud of that.

I quit cold turkey using the Thomas Recipe that Ruby mentioned above. I was popping around 160 mg of Oxcontin's a day when I just decided to stop. I'm so glad I did. After around 4 days, most of the withdrawals were done, and I never have to go through it again. It really feels great when you have that first good day without pills.

[Opee]

I feel you. I really, really do. I certainly don't look at this as a badge of honor or think it worthy of an award (at least not any award I want to claim), but I have to tell you in all honesty: I am the worst drug addcit I have ever known (not read about, but personally ever known). And I've known ALOT. I've been using hard over 20 years. I've done every damn drug known with the exception of Crystal Meth. And I've never put a needle in my arm, but So much up my nose I had surgery in Feb. due to a deviated septum. If you have the time, read my posts. It all started with Vicodin/Percocet Withdrawl and then Free (love ya, Jen) set up Opee's New Thread For Success. You can click on my name and read my posts. I was at the point that I couldn't even go 10 hours without W/D kicking in hard. My story is chronicled in great detail on this site, more for me than anyone else, although I've been told often my story and brutal honesty has helped others. Never my intention, but I couldn't be happier about it.

I have tried and failed at C/T so many times over the last 8 months. When you are at our level, it just isn't an option (in my opinion). At least for ME, it was a constant recipe for failure. So, taking the advice of a good guy named Riff (thanks again, Pal) - not to mention the support of Caught Again, Freedom4Me, Percashawn (where you at Wildman, you've been quiet?) I began a long, slow almost 4 week taper. It was grueling. It was unpleasant. But, by God, I had had enough. I, too, lost a wife, home, and seeing my son every day due to a nasty coke habit. I've always liked pills, but really got into them in 2005 (they kept me docile and allowed me to ignore my wife who was constantly trying to goad me into hitting her (never did). The past year and a half I have been an absolute train wreck. 30 a day is nothing. My best friend died in June and the day before his funeral I ate 24 Norco's (that's 48 5mg Vic's) - absolutely disgusting. And you know what, I was still functioning. My advice is a taper. I cut it by several pills and then held for 5-7 days. Then cut it again and held for 5-7 days. At the end I was down to 1 Norco a day. Towards the end, I really just needed the morning dose, then I could hold. I am on Day 5 without any opiates and do not feel well. I can't even imagine if I had tried C/T again. Yes, I can. By Day 3 I would have been doing ANYTHING to get what I needed. I've recently had a life changing experience and never been more serious about quitting. There is no chance of failure this time.

I recommend the taper because if you go C/T (again, this is MY opinion based on my own life and severly poor choices) by the 2nd day you will be such a mess you do whatever it takes. As you said, you know in an instant how to make it all go away. What you didn't add was "for 4 hours." Seriosuly, trust me, Man, I know what I'm talking about. We ALL do here, but we all have different stories, different backgrounds, different drugs of choice, etc. We sound REAL similar, Dude. Try the taper. It will not be fun, but it WILL be manageable. You will feel not great for several weks. Or, you can feel like you want to die for 7 days. That was not an option for me. You must decide what works for you.

But, please, read my posts. See how many times I tried to quit and failed because I tried to be Iron Man. I would get so sick I would be shaking uncontrollably in the shower and vomitting, knowing I had to be at work in 40 minutes. Yeah...

These are the finest group of humans I have ever "known." But, ultimately, my friend, we can't help you if you don't want to be helped. I learned that the hard way. It sounds as if you seriously do, which is the first step.

Oh, the benzo's: I got on Klonopin and Xanax 6 months ago because I have been living in a perpetual state of withdrawl. I relied on them heavily before, but not this time. Because of the taper. I feel cruddy, but functional. They won't hurt you for a limited time. If you plan on going C/T, get your hands on as many as you can. If you decide to taper, I think you'll be amazed at the results. I was.

Keep us posted, Brother, we care. Believe it.

Regards,
Opee

[Dying_to_Live]

Wow, that's a lot to take in. You are all completely right. Opee, you may be right about the taper. I really don't have anykind of self-control, so by day two, like I have before, I would do anything to get some. But on the other hand, I am fed up, and think that I may need to feel the full pain of the D/T's and embrace it.
I'm kinda confused. I just need to take some time and think about what I REALLY think/know will be the best thing for me. I thank all you guys for what you've done already. Please keep it up and stick with me.

Thanks a lot again Opee, and I will definitely read your posts. Thanks.

Oh, and about the Suboxen. I've never did them, but I've heard that they are really expensive, even on the streets.

[Opee]

Originally Posted by Dying_to_Live

Wow, that's a lot to take in. You are all completely right. Opee, you may be right about the taper. I really don't have anykind of self-control, so by day two, like I have before, I would do anything to get some. But on the other hand, I am fed up, and think that I may need to feel the full pain of the D/T's and embrace it.
I'm kinda confused. I just need to take some time and think about what I REALLY think/know will be the best thing for me. I thank all you guys for what you've done already. Please keep it up and stick with me.

Thanks a lot again Opee, and I will definitely read your posts. Thanks.

Oh, and about the Suboxen. I've never did them, but I've heard that they are really expensive, even on the streets.

I know very little about Subs, never had one in my life. I do know they are extremely expensive whether you get them legally or otherwise. Also, Methadone sucks, Man, you're prolonging it because you'll end up with a physical addiction to that that's even worse than opiates. Trust me on this, I know Methadone. Let me toss this at you: I, too, felt in the past I needed to feel the full pain. I considered it my penance/punishment, whatever. I also know that I failed EVERY time. EVERY TIME. Not at all trying to push you into a taper, what works for one may not work for another, etc. Many people on here will say C/T is the best route. And 90% of the time I agree with them. However, there are certain circumstances, certain extreme cases that it isn't realistic. I 100% fall into that category and I suspect you do, too. My advice to you is this: Read. Learn. Draw as much as you can from those who came before you. I read this site for 2 months before I ever posted. Remember the money you've spent. Remember the wasted days wanting to die. Remember the relationships you destroyed. You possess intelligence, that much is obvious from your posts. You can do this, but only if you are 100% committed. It took me 8 months on this site to reach that point.

If I can quit these, anyone can. As I said, I'm on Day 5 and still don't feel great. Typically by Day 4 you feel much better. We are not typical cases. Our usage is atypical and quite frankly, dangerous as hell. I look forward to hearing which route you are going to take.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, if you desire it to be.

Your New Pal,
Opee

[Freedom4me]

Dying to live,
I think Opee is going to be your lifeline. He has been where you are. Not that you have to taper, in fact, unless you have a trusted person to help you and one that gets on here and talks with us, not sure you can. We need to educate them to you BS and what you will say to get another pill, lol. I could have talked my husband into anything because he doesnt have an addictive personality and he would have bought what i said. I cold turkeyed it by the way but didn't use nearly as much as you guys. Opee took a long, hard road to get there and it was what was best for him. If you are really serious you will figure it out! We will be here.

[TTTDogs]

Hey Eric,

Just wanted to chime in and lend my support to you, my dear friend.

Your decision to post s HUGE, REALLY HUGE - it demonstrates that you are truly at a point in your life where you are READY - I believe REALLY ready.
I am sure you dream of it - but you can not truly imagine the joy and the feeling of FREEDOM associated with no longer depending on opiates.

You can read my thread - "Escaping this morphine prison" - the story about my 10 year addiction to Roxanol - a highly concerntrated form of morphine - and percocets. Roxanol is among the most addictive drugs known and never missed a dose in 10 years!

A month ago i decided - as you have - that I have had enough - enough of letting the drugs control every aspect of my life - you know what I mean - you wake thinking about dosing - you worry about HAVING the drugs and you are always aware of the shame and the knowledge - that "I have a
problem - I need to face this - I am scared - I feel ashamed and alone" ------.............sound familiar?

Well, my dear man - you have come to the right place - I fianlly gathered the
nerve to post and here I am 3 weeks later and clean - I chose CT without the Thomas Recipe - not by choice - but I was in Canada - without access tot he ingredients - many swear that it really helps with the WD symptoms -
It IS YOUR CALL my friend to decide which route is best - taper - CT or subs - I only have experience with the CT method - whatever you choose - we are here to support you - but realize you need to choose one method - that is why you posted - and that is what you truly want!

So, as I said I can only speak to CT from a large quantitiy of really addictive drugs - the WD sucks - really no other word for it - it will be a test of your mind, body and spirit - but IT will end - relatively quicly -4-5 days and then you are FREE - really FREE - you are a MARINE - gosh you are used to challenges - you made it through boot camp and showed serious determination -
Well, my friend - this IS a sort of boot camp that will graduate you into redeeming your life - to be all that you can be - to fulfill your lifes potential and to make up to the ones hurt most by your addiction --
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE - we are here standing by to hold your hand - to squeeze it tight when needed and to PULL you through to the other side - IT is POSSIBLE - the worst part for me was from about 36 to 72 hours - I will not lie to you - I took it 5 minutes by 5 minutes - I tried to look at it as an endurance test of sorts - an almost spiritual experience - for my mind to control my body - accept the pain - push thru the pain - know it only gets better and focus on coming out the OTHER SIDE - Oh What a feeling!

If you do choose CT we will be there every step of the way - day and night - just post - post and keep posting - there are many tips we will share to help ease the symptoms........ so let us know what you decide - whatevr it is we are here for you ............... the only bad decision is the one to do nothing ........... this nightmare does not go away - you have realized that - stepped up to the plate - asked for help - heck - THAT is the hardest part - I know YOU CAN DO THE REST!!!!

Helping HUGS TTT

[melinda7.5]

Hi TTT
That was a wonderful post...I am so happy for you...OK dieing to live...
that was very heart felt...I know that had to hit home with you...
we would love to help just let us know what we can do...
talk to you soon, Melinda

[Dying_to_Live]

Hello everyone, I can't thank you enough for all the post's. Well, I start today, I just woke up about an hour ago. I took 20mg of Methadone yesterday at 9am, it's 11:35am now. That was the last opiate that I took. My head feels cloudy, and I'm tired. I'm really not looking forward to the next 24 to 36hrs. I know what to expect, and it's not my body that I fear the most. It's my head. I'm so weak mentally when it comes to opiates. Well, my mother has Flexiril and my Baby is gonna get me some Xanax for the next few days. I just need something for my stomach. I have not looked up the Thomas Recipe yet, but I will do that now. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

TTT Thank you so much. That really helped me A LOT. You guys have no idea how much it helps to have people to be here for me to talk. People that have been here, stood in my shoes. It's so amazing how much it helps. I have my Baby and my family, but they just don't know what it's like.
Thank you all so much again. I'll post soon.

[Opee]

Originally Posted by Freedom4me

Dying to live,
I think Opee is going to be your lifeline. He has been where you are. Not that you have to taper, in fact, unless you have a trusted person to help you and one that gets on here and talks with us, not sure you can. We need to educate them to you BS and what you will say to get another pill, lol. I could have talked my husband into anything because he doesnt have an addictive personality and he would have bought what i said. I cold turkeyed it by the way but didn't use nearly as much as you guys. Opee took a long, hard road to get there and it was what was best for him. If you are really serious you will figure it out! We will be here.

You got a friend here, Man, if you want it. I would be honored to be your lifeline, but not offended in the slightest if you choose another route. Like I said, we're all different and different things work for different people. I know what finally worked for me and what did NOT work fo rme (C/T). You know your body, your will power, etc. Regardless, I/We are here for you. Anything you need send a post. I have exchanged emails with several folks and helped them offline. I have no problem doing that. I'm here if you need me, Pal. You call the play on how you want to do. We'll back the plays you call. YOU are in the driver's seat, were just Navigators.

Keep on keepin' on!!

Opee

[TTTDogs]

Eric,

So glad to hear you have made a decision - now you need to prepare yourself for SUCCESS!! This detox stuff is kinda an equipment sport!

Make sure you clear you calendar - This is a NO EXCUSES adventure.

Really try to get the ingredients for the Thomas Recipe and start the vitamins right way - your body's chemistry will be screwed up for a while and it is important to try to rebalance with vitamins - and the other supplements mentioned.

Make sure you have 24 hour access to a hot bath - or shower - I swear by the baths - I basically lived in a hot bath from 30 - 72 hours - really probably one per hour - there is something about the temp change and sweating that really helps with the anxiety and creepy skin feeling. Do not underestimate the power of the tub! If you can play some soothing music while in the tub -

Exercise - sounds crazy. and it will be the LAST thing you probably want to do - but on day 2 ans 3 I took a brisk walk 3-5 miles - 2 times per day - heck on my worse night I took a 2 mile walk in at 1 am - it really helped.

Do not dwell on your discomfort - for me - I kept moving - basically had 4 "detox stations" the bedroom - when I tried to rest - the bath - the computer station - where I posted - posted and poted some more - and the outdoors - I kept moving from place to place - to pass the time away - the time WILL PASS and YOU WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE!
At your weak moments - tell yourself - that the pain you have endured so far is for nothing if you give in - KNOW YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN!!

Make an X on the calendar for every 24 hours clean - stay focused on being able to make the next X - sound basic - but it helps your resolve!

Visualize 4 days from now - ok - it is Wednesday - by Saturday you will have endured the worst ---------- and you can watch Football on Sunday CLEAN my friend - tired - BUT CLEAN - and FREE - Yep - you CAN and WILL do this!

We are here for you - put your boots on - take a deep breathe - hold tight - stay focused - and come join us on the OTHER SIDE - quite a party going on over here!

POWER HUGS TTT Teri

[TTTDogs]

Eric,

Just checking in to let you know I am thinking about you - try to post if you can - ...it does help..... how ya doing pal?

I am here for you!


Healing HUGS TTT

[mottam]

DTL:
Welcome.
I am an oxy addict.
I have been arrested several times for possession of CDS.
I, somehow, made it through grad school - MSEE.
I have completely ********ed up the relationship I have with my wife and young children.

I cannot, however, stop the fight. We will win. Be prepared to feel the pain that comes as the price to win this battle. I am NEVER giving up.

You have my unconditional support. Posting on d.c is the BEST move you have made w/ respect to opiate addiction. Keep posting.

We ALL care.
mottam

[Dying_to_Live]

sorry it's taken me a little while to post. i've been in bed most of the time. it's creeping up on me slowley today, bad head ache, muscle aches, my stomach is about to go with it. i've got a Biology Lab I have to go to from 230 to 430. I should be able to push through that. Then get home take a hot shower pop a couple xanax and a flexiril and try to sleep through the worse part. my baby is on her way to wal-mart to get the stuff for the thomas recipe then down to the local street pharmacist for the benzo's.
this should be fun.....j/k but i'm glad i made the decision. thanks again guys.

[Dying_to_Live]

day 2.....tired, hurting, head ache, stomach ache.....but honestly, it's really not too bad this time. or maybe today is just day one. since i took that methadone the day before yesterday, it may have statyed in my system til yesterday.... i don't know, but what i do know is that i am in this for the long haul. no turning back, or giving up. it's on......

[TTTDogs]

Hey Friend,

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you - just hang in there - it will level off and then start to get better. you are so cool!

I will be around all night - seems like alot of brave folks are kickin it tonight..... stay strong - stay safe - stay sober!

BIG HUGS!!


TTT

[Dying_to_Live]

aghhh, today is day 3 i believe. wow, and i'm not feeling all that bad. just super run down, and depressed. still taking the xanax and all the vitamins. a muscle relaxer here and there. it's all good..... thanks TTT

[TTTDogs]

DTL,

Not much time to post now - know EXACTLY what your feeling - you are right where you should be............ I have to run out but will be back later to cheer you on!

GREAT JOB, Friend! YOU ARE going to make it!!!

HUGS TTT

[Dying_to_Live]

i've a lil' dissapointing news. i just went and bought a Roxy 15. it's not much, but after 3ish whole days with nothing it was a good buzz. i still plan on stoping. i just see this as a bump in the road. i am still confident that i will succeced, it's just hard. i know i can do it. i'm not giving up. please, some encouragement. i love all of you.

[melinda7.5]

Originally Posted by Dying_to_Live

i've a lil' dissapointing news. i just went and bought a Roxy 15. it's not much, but after 3ish whole days with nothing it was a good buzz. i still plan on stoping. i just see this as a bump in the road. i am still confident that i will succeced, it's just hard. i know i can do it. i'm not giving up. please, some encouragement. i love all of you.

Hi Dying to live
well i have done that before ...dont worry just tell yourself I wont do that again...youll be OK, I know it is hard to do, we all know how hard it is.
it is just part of the prosess...next time you feel like your going to cave just get on here and tell us well talk you out of it ...
talk to you soon, Melinda

[Dying_to_Live]

thanks alot, i've always heard that relapse is part of it. so i'm not beating myself up too much over it. just keeping on moving forward. thanks alot guys it's really helping. it hurts when you dissapoint the one you love. puts you right back into the mentality of what's the use. i'm a f up and always will be, but i know that not true.