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I want to do this right... Anyone?
09-04-2010, 02:06 PM #301
Just dropping by to say hi and to see how you are doing. Today is okay for me so far. It's 2:00 p.m. here.
Hugs and kisses
09-04-2010, 04:41 PM #302
ah eagle, isnt it funny that sometimes the very people who start the mess off, end up sitting in the wings, and watching the fallout.
good to keep up on fb anyway,
hope your day is good, evening i mean,
all the best
09-05-2010, 03:39 AM #303
heeeeey winged, \
i mean, kiwi to eagle,
i expect updates as soon as you are allowed back ok
take care, cheeky
09-05-2010, 04:29 AM #304
Kiwi, eagle reporting for duty
So, who missed us?
09-05-2010, 04:32 AM #305
aw ya know, people did. lol.
glad you back, how ya doin
09-05-2010, 04:36 AM #306
Update? Where do I start??
To put it in the fewest words possible: I'm doing great and I'm happy to be back
Thank you to everyone that posted here and around the forum about missing Kara and me. We sooo appreciated it
09-05-2010, 04:36 AM #307
Hey Winged Angel! So good to see your posts! How's your taper coming?
Love you Baby Girl!!
Strength & courage is moving forward in spite of the fear
09-05-2010, 04:38 AM #308
Kara mia!! Doing good babe, you?
Taper is going well. Dropping to 1mg tomorrow. Woohoo!
09-05-2010, 05:14 AM #309
09-05-2010, 07:52 AM #310
MON CHERIE AMORE.
How I missed you. WEEP WEEP
But now your are back. Don't do that again. BAD BAD GIRL. We Need you too much. I need you.
Your right behind me sweetie. We'll finish this ordeal together. I am sure of it.
We got this far and pray the rest goes as easy as possible. It is sooo sooo hard though. I must say I did not think it was going to be this tough. But my will is stronger than the hold those pills have on my body.
I will be there for you now and always. Way beyond this time in our lives.
So many good friends we have both made here and one day maybe some of us will meet. I HOPE.
Have a GREAT day sweetie and hope to SKYPE tonight. I so miss that gorgeous face of yours. It brightens up my day.
09-05-2010, 01:45 PM #311
welcome back! I am so proud of you that you are dropping to 1 tomorrow! you are a couple of days ahead of me and I am looking up to you. how are you feeling? what are your symptoms?
09-05-2010, 03:02 PM #312
09-05-2010, 03:26 PM #313
Hi hope full!
Originally Posted by hope full
I've been following up on you from behind the scenes and I'm struck by your determination and how clearheaded you already are. Your focus is excellent and you're giving back with bucket-loads of support, and it's a lovely thing to see. Good job girl
Ok, I know, I know, let's get to the juicy part: you want to know my symptoms, so I'll try and be as concise (and succinct!) as I possibly can.
You're now at 1.25mg, yes?
Ok, for me, the hardest part was the fast drop from 4.5 to 4 and 3 within the first week. I didn't stay at a stable dose after induction, and by the time I hit 3 a week later all sorts of problems had followed me down. It's documented somewhere on the first few pages of this thread, but I'm such a blabber, who knows where, hehe...
The drop from 3 to 2.2.5 was done without much trouble.
Now the drop from 2.25 to 1.5 was a bit interesting. It's taking a tiny bit longer for me to stabilize, and though I'm the type of person who can cruise up and down the emotional spectrum without incident, I did notice (just as you have) that I'm being a bit more... how to say it nicely... a bit more of a complete biatch sometimes :P My poor boyfriend basically hides behind the sofa when I get home, and if I weren't actively aware of the rage coursing through me, it would have been funny. The weird part is, a part of me KNOWS it's funny, but those emotions are as strong as a massive tidal wave.
You can't run.
You can't fight it down.
So let it just wash over you.
That's what I do anyway.
Physically, I'm feeling a few things more. There were always some aches and pains throughout the past weeks, don't get me wrong. We're tapering here, this is to be expected.
But this last drop, the pains are more... localized. Also, my skin sometimes feels hot, but not cold turkey radiating hot, more like a uniform, electric heat. Nothing very annoying, but it's there. And it's not ALWAYS there, mostly a few hours before my dose. My eyes hurt last night, quite a bit, but again, just close them and they feel better.
Look, so far, I'm pretty convinced anyone can do this bit. I'm being honest. It's no picnic, as I said to Cher, but we are all so resilient, and if everyone would think about it, the details of a "bad" day are almost forgotten a few days later. Because there are many, many moments that are good, if not great.
Ok, enough long posts for now. I'll let you rest your eyes and I'm sorry for going on and on about it
I know you're going to do great with your next drop. Just go for it. Make sure you're stable, aka not insanely comfortable, but comfortable with what's there, and you're going to be blazing through this taper!
09-05-2010, 07:11 PM #314
You ladies are awesome. It is so inspiring to see how y'all are helping each other get through this. On the other side of these trials is a blessing. I feel that for y'all the blessing will be how you will be able to encourage and help those who will be walking this same journey...trying to regain their life from drugs. I appreciate your posts and am praying for each of your continued resolve and perseverence. God bless.
09-06-2010, 12:32 AM #315
thanks for that winged! I wasn't really sure if I was "normal" or not but after reading what you have described I feel pretty confident now
I am quite a whimp when it comes to physical pain but I am trying to plow thru this just like you and cher are. I feel so lucky that we all came to this place at the same time and were able to connect with each other. I am also glad to hear that Im not the only one flipping out on my boyfriend
not to get too personal here and I totally understand if you don't want to answer but does he use? how did he take your use and quitting? just curious. mine has never taken a pill in his life but he does other things which make it a little difficult for us to be on the same page - wondering if we will end up breaking up and to be honest I don't really know if I would mind it - seems like I would be able to get thru this much easier without having to be a girlfriend as well (is that totally awful and selfish of me?) anyway sorry to hijack your thread with my story I get a little carried away sometimes
glad to hear you are doing it girl you and cher are keeping me inspired to keep on going
09-06-2010, 02:28 AM #316
09-06-2010, 09:35 AM #317
Hey MY Love
How are you doing?
Yes I agree the time zone difference makes it difficult for us to SKYPE but at least we are in touch with each other especially in our hearts.
You really have helped me so much. You have no idea.
Everyone has made it possible for me and you to accomplish this ardent task. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I did not find this site.
This is the 3rd day at 1mg and I had a rough morning but I come here to listen to the words of my friends/family and it makes things bearable. It is amazing how much I feel now that I did not feel before. So much happier even though I weep it is good. Emotions I had bottled up inside me.
One great feeling I had this morning was I think my libido is coming back. WOW. Have not wanted that in 8 years. BOY WOULD THAT BE SOMETHING. SEX was out of the question. Now I READY TO GO LOL.
Hope your have a SUPER DAY
HUGS AND MWAH
09-06-2010, 11:09 AM #318
JB, thank you for such a lovely post!
I've been reading you around the forum and you're so supportive and helpful, always ready with a kind word.
Hugs to you!
09-06-2010, 11:18 AM #319
Hey there Hope
Originally Posted by hope full
He knows better than that. He has used in the past, but he knows where I stand: zero tolerance. It's an important stipulation. He knows it, and he knows I totally mean it.
He's clean, and he tries to be supportive. But, like you, I sometimes feel it's like he intentionally tries to start a fight at the most inappropriate times.
You didn't hijack my thread at all. And I totally understand the part about you not actually minding if this all ends. I feel the same. Don't get me wrong. Love the guy, but learning to love myself more, if only for this duration, because it's the only way out. Whoever survives this trip with me, great. Whoever doesn't, too bad.
I may be coming across as a tad harsh, but we're in a harsh situation, it's no joke. I'm not just flipping out because I'm "getting my period", as men fondly like to say. I'm fighting for everything that means anything to me.
Now I don't know much about your relationship with your man. But I can generalize on this:
Now is your time. This is it.
09-06-2010, 11:22 AM #320
Kara mia! Read your thread this morning (local) and haven't been there yet now (now being the evening). How's the pain from the extraction? How's Erin now, still baking at night? Hehe..
Originally Posted by karaboo
Miss you much, girl, will go to your thread for some updates.
09-06-2010, 11:29 AM #321
Originally Posted by winged eagle
What you said reminds me of Sex And The City
Where Samantha tells Smith:"Yes I been in a relationship with you for 5 years and I love you, but I have been in a relationship with myself for 49 years AND I LOVE ME MORE."
It says it all. We have to love ourselves first before we can love anyone else.
09-06-2010, 09:46 PM #322
It's not all me.
I know I'm overly emotional right now.
I know I get aggravated more easily.
But it's not all me.
How could it be when it's barely 5:30 in the morning, and I've been up since 4, and my so-called boyfriend just woke up and started screaming at me about a water shortage?
How could that be about me?
When I ask him to leave, over and over again, why does he stay and torture me?
When I ask him to please have patience with me, why does he do the exact opposite?
When I ask him to just stop talking to me, don't speak, don't say anything, I won't as well, why does he bludgeon with words, words, words, all at the top of his voice?
When I plead with him to give me time alone to heal, why does he invade my space and make me pick up after him and see to his needs?
Who is seeing to my needs?
It can't be all me.
Beginning of Day 2 at 1mg
Not off to a good start. The insomnia I can take in stride.
The general feeling of discomfort is fine.
But my home, my haven being invaded by such bad energy is not.
I can be the most outgoing person when needed. But, in truth, I'm very introspective. My haven is my shell. It's the only place I'm supposed to feel safe in.
Four years together. Where is this headed? We keep going backward. Actually, I wish we were going backward. Because we started out great.
It can't be all me.
I'm doing everything in my power not to take my dose early.
He's doing everything in his power to destroy me. To destroy what self esteem I have left.
Is it on purpose?
Does it really matter either way?
When there were the drugs, his excuse was "first clean, then I'll move on with you or move out".
My haven is infested with ugly feelings, bad fights, screaming, screaming, screaming.
When it's me, I always apologize afterwards.
But it's never him apparently. Because I have yet to hear a word of contrition, a word of sorrow.
I stay because this is my home. Why does he stay?
It can't be all me....
He's pulling me down to depths I have no inclination or strength to get out of.
Does he want me to be weaker?
Was he happier when I used?
Am I too strong for him?
It can't be all me...
09-06-2010, 11:53 PM #323
whoa winged - I am sitting here with goose bumps because I feel like I just read something written by ME! it is like you and I are in the EXACT same situation!
I have explained so many times how important "my sanctuary" (it's my house) and "my sanity" are to me and it's like he knows when I need peace and intentionally messes it up at those exact times. I had actually posted something almost identical to this on my thread but it got deleted for swearing - still perplexed about that. I am with you all the way girl. I am coming out of this haze that I have been in and i am loving myself and if he comes great and of not too bad for him. same goes for you girl - you can do this and don't let him tear you down. I have a new best friend - earplugs, with headphones over them and a pillow over my head and a smile on my face - when he starts yelling go into your shell and talk to yourself and he will see how ridiculoud he is acting and eventually stop - also, don't go the anger route with him - when he yells, smile back - he will get mad at first but then he will feel so dumb. today mine and me agreed to break up and give each other space to heal and grow and when I got home he had cleaned everything and cooked dinner for me - go figure.
men are so difficult sometimes
I too am learning to love myself for the first time in 28 years and I am really enjoying it!
09-07-2010, 09:18 AM #324
I gues you're right, Hope. Haven't tried the "smile back" method in a long while. But it's hard at this point.
As for being in the same boat, ever since your first post here on my thread, I was struck by how similar our needs were. First with the fast taper plan, and the logistics behind it. Then in our determination to just do it right. Do it successfully.
Thanks for the post, hun.
I'd been meanig to answer for hours, but I've been at the office ever since and have decided to hxll with it, logged in while still here. I just don't care anymore.
09-07-2010, 09:47 AM #325
09-07-2010, 11:56 AM #326
Winged - just a note (I'm supposed to be working too. grrrr)
You must take care of you. When you are walking out your sobriety, it is "all about you." You have to be number one. Your sanity has to be number one. Your sobriety has to be number one. I don't mean this in a haughty fashion. But it's imperative so that you are successful.
You, sweet lady, have to put you and your life on the front burner. Tend it as a fire. Be introspective. Reclaim your home as your safe haven. Considering where you live, you've got to have a space that where you can leave the stress of life behind.
And to the devil with anyone who is giving you fits. Positive energy, positive people doing positive things. Fill your life with it. You want to be so filled with the "good things" that you never want to return to what you're trying to remove from your life. You've come so far. Your encouraging posts have helped so many. Be strong winged one.
If you don't take care of you, who will? Continue to choose life and choose it abundantly. God bless you!
09-07-2010, 12:19 PM #327
You said it so beautifully, JB...
Thank you. I will read your post over and over again until I either know it by heart or have it deeply entrenched there
09-07-2010, 12:52 PM #328
Last edited by Robert_325; 09-07-2010 at 12:54 PM.
I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.
09-07-2010, 12:52 PM #329
For us ladies, we are by nature, 'pleasers and fixers.' We spend so much energy helping and encouraging those we care about (and some not so much ). But when you, your body and mind, is engaged in a battle for sobriety, you must take particular care of you.
As with Cher and Kara and so many more on the forum that have families and children, it is hard to make their own needs, their own pain, foremost. But when trying to put your life back together, it must be a priority, because, as I said before, if you don't take care of you, who will?
Who really cares if you've exercised? Who really cares if you've drunk plenty of water and juices; eaten decent fresh vegetables and fruits; taken vitamins? Who really cares? No one. We are selfish creatures. That is why, winged one, and others who choose to read this, when battling for your sobriety, your life, you do what you have to do to make it happen. Because in the end, it is all about you.
Choose sobriety. Life is precious and short. You will want to remember the rainbows.
09-07-2010, 01:56 PM #330
Last edited by winged eagle; 09-07-2010 at 01:58 PM.