| || |
I think I did it, Am I Clean yet ?
I think I did it, Am I Clean yet ?
Ok, For the past 5 years at least I was addicted to Vic's, Perc's, Oxys, whatever was available. I was taking 100-200 mg per day at my worst and drinking to go along with it. I held down my job during this time but I came close to losing it many times. Not able to get out of bed etc. Anyway, Over the last 6-8 months I was able to knock myself down to 40-60 mg per day with no real problems. I then found out a friend of mine told me if I wanted to quit he could give me some suboxone. I mulled that over for weeks and finally asked him for some. I got like 10 8mg tablets and told me what to do. Wait till i was really sick etc. and only take a little like 2mg then another 2mg after an hour or so.
I waited 20 hours, curled in fetal position sweating like a pig, stomach pain, Restless legs, twitching well all of it. So At that point I inducted myself and it was a miracle. Within 45-60 minutes I was up and washing dishes and getting the house back in order.
I continued for like 20 days (I think) taking between 4-6 mg a day and then about a week ago went to 2mg per day for a week and then (with some left over) just quit. I wanted to see if I could stop with no problems and knowing a had saved a little bit 6mg would remove the psychological effect of running out and being forced to quit and panicing, etc.
So, as i write this I have taken nothing in a little over 60 hours and I feel fine. Well for the last couple days I did sleep alot, so much that I have a little back ache from being in bed. LOL Also I had a little depression and moodiness etc. But this morning I woke up and after being up for an hour or so I felt something very strange. A clarity that I have not felt in years. It made me smile as I realized this is how I used to feel before I started taking drugs.
Is this possible ? Well I guees it is since It's happening. I don't know I expected more problems. DId I happen to ge this just right ? I will hold onto the little Subs I have left for a few more days but I just don't see a problem right now.
Or am I about to go down the tubes ? lol
Oh yeah, One more thing. Taking Suboxone was good and all. But one thing did happen. My ankles and feet swelled up. It looked like I had shrek feet after one week also severe constipation. these are the reasons I wanted to get off of it. If it weren't for those things I probably would have kept going so Im kinda glad it happened like that.
My ankles and feet are almost back to normal now since stopping subs 60 hours ago.
(Robert, you may be better to answer about Suboxone, I'm not in tune with the intricacies of it as you are.)
Longtime, if you feel, deep in your gut a change for the better, the best is yet to come! Even IF you have some ups or downs, you've made the firm decision to clean up your act. Follow through with that, and you've got it made. You are in control, now, not the pills.
Time WILL help. You may have a few valleys, but never give in. Talk to us, here, in a time of need before doing anything in haste. Talk to Narc-anon, too. Find your local chapter and just talk to others who've been down your path. Just talk it out.
Even though I'm not physically there....spiritually, consider me and others in this forum to be right beside you, in fullest support.
WE ARE WITH YOU!
May your best days be ahead and may the past be damned...but never forgotten. To forget would be folly of the grandest proportion.
(BTW, I think you did it. Very well played, friend.)
Now, go for a walk, lol.
Last edited by PeterRabbit2; 05-27-2010 at 01:29 PM.
longtime, how ya doin.??
hey 2mg is pretty high to jump off, how you goin, if by some chance you are still goin, good on ya.
if not, taper down to as low as you can, like .25mg is recommended, i even get hideous RLS tryin to stop at this dose, subs are a lot stronger than most people realize, i had someone tell me, "ah its all in your head at that dose, thats nothing."
well, excuse me, but i know the RLS wakin me at 4am, restless as, cant sleep, is not in my head. apparently subs are 40 times as strong as morphine, cept you dont get the same buzz coz of the mu receptor agonist stuff ive heard about.
hope tho, you are doing well, all the best ay,
Yeah Im here, hehe
Thanks for the kind words folks. Still going it's been 79 hours, lol had to stop and figure it out. I dunno I have had a some RLS enough to wake me up but nothing like the opiate withdrawl RLS not even close. I just get up and sit at the computer or find something to do and it goes away. So far very mild, I do get some hot flashes every hour or so but they last like 1-2 minutes and go away also.
Tic toc, looking for a good movie now
Also, how do you get down to .25mg. I have a splitter but even chipping off 1mg is often touchy. What is .25 like a razor blade sliver ?
I always worked with 2mg or sometimes 1mg pieces. Holy cow .25 I may need a jewlers loupe for that. lol
i am lucky to have the 2mg pills, that way a quarter is actually only .5, so i can get to that ok, and split that in half to get .25mg.
i have heard tho, with the 8mg pills, take a 2mg quarter, crush it up, and make 5 equal piles, each one will be .20mg, that way you can make up whatever dose you need. crease a peice of paper and wah lah, under the tongue it goes.
wait on that maths doesnt work, 2mg piece into 5, oh now im counting. anyway regardless of my useless maths, you can see what im gettin at ay. ok, so each pile would be .4mg. if you made more tiny piles, more tiny amounts to work with. (i failed maths at school lol)
Last edited by Anonymous; 05-27-2010 at 11:50 PM.
Hey there, Longtime!
Originally Posted by longtime
Congrats!!! YES, you've done it - and I applaud you. Don't worry about how to split a pill to .25 - lol - you're past the need for it, and it isn't a drug to take "PRN" (as needed).
Yes, the clarity is a big part of the true GIFT of recovery. You are past the physical detoxing off the drugs, which is huge. But... don't fool yourself into thinking that addiction is only past history to you now. Addiction is a life-long, chronic disease. It affects EVERY aspect of our being, not just physical - but also mental, emotional and spiritual. Do not shortchange yourself by not addressing these other issues, now that the worst of the physical part is over.
The best place to work through these issues is through a 12-step program, like NA or AA. When we become addicted, we stop growing emotionally. Our coping skills are severely damaged, as drugs became our primary coping tool. There's a lot of areas where we need growth, in order to continue to stay away from the temptation of returning to the pills. I hope you'll seek out help to do so.
Thank you Ruth, and yes I am looking into my options for continued treatment. It is still not completely over and it never will be. I am now seeing what has to be done to move forward instead of back to the pills.
Im still feeling funny sometimes, depressed at times emotional at others. Each day is a little better than the last. Thats what I get for 5 years of those dam things.
Anyway just wanted to check in and say im still going. It's been since early AM Tuesday 5/25 that I have had nothing.
We are such instant gratification creatures aren't we ? We spend years abusing something and want it to be over without consequece and immediatly at that.
My advice is to flush that pill and don't look back! The RLS will subside and you'll be fine! Take walks and if you need to take a benadryl at night or Tylenol pm! AA/NA works and is a huge source of motivation to stay sober!
Congratulations! You are like 3 days or more clean.
awesome longtime, good on ya mate,
you deserve to be so proud of yourself,
all the best
Oddly I don't feel that way, well I do to some degree. It's like excitement that I have stopped. Many other hours of the day though, Im down right afraid. It's like Im still up and down feelings wise but I really just don't know where Im going to go. What am I to do ? Who am I if Im not an addict I guess.
I realize thats where continued treatment comes in but at this early stage I get scared alot.
Sorry, just thinking out loud
Wow, I can relate with that. After having been using for so long it's not uncommon to wonder about that. Some fear is good,it can help you from returning to using. So when you say your scared, I understand because it only takes one more pill and it all starts over again, but it may not end as well. It sounds like you got off kind of lucky compared to most wds. Don't be fooled that sub is an easy escape route from addiction. I hope every day gets even better for you.
Originally Posted by longtime
Your feelings are totally normal! Not fun, but normal. I think sometimes we psych ourselves into believing that we're going to feel totally great once we get clean--it will be such a relief not to be dependent on drugs anymore. And I think some people do feel wonderful and are able to just run with that.
But a lot of people end up feeling kind of confused and dismayed, as you described. I know I did. You're left with whatever problems you had to start out with, plus whatever messes you made while you were using...and without that handy anesthetic you could always reach for.
So you're absolutely right that's where continued treatment and support comes in. Get to AA or NA meetings, or meet with a therapist, or both. It's normal to be scared when you lose your crutch. But you can rebuild your life, and I think if you can stay clean and live honest, you'll be that much stronger for it. Be patient, have faith, don't give up, and find some meetings or a therapist you can talk to. Good for you for getting clean!
I agree with Maisie (as I often do!) - this is quite normal, at this stage of the game. Early recovery is often a roller coaster of emotions, and there is sure to be a lot of fear of the unknown. We aren't used to life without drugs, so ... how do we do it???
Take some deep breaths... and relax. It will be ok. You will be ok. You don't have to figure out all of life right now - or even what to do tomorrow. All you need to concern yourself with is this present moment. It takes practice to do that, but it helps to keep things in perspective.
Who you are is completely up to you - and that's scary, but it's also very exciting. Think of yourself as a blank slate - "tabula rasa" - and you have complete freedom to do or be whatever you wish to be. That first year of sobriety, I slowly reassessed everything in my life. Every tradition, every belief, every relationship, everything - and I had fun with it. I started looking for role models - people who I respect and wanted to be like. Then I began to see patterns of what traits most appealed to me, and I then went about nurturing those traits in myself. The 12 steps of NA or AA help with this stuff, seriously. In the process of the steps, we do a "personal inventory" where we look at our 'good' and 'bad' traits... and decide what to keep and what to release. The 12 steps are like a recipe for creating this new "being" that you are.
I hope you can get yourself to some meetings soon - you'll then realize that you are not alone through any of this. There are so many people nearby who are in similar situations (or past similar situations), who can hold your hand through the process of rebuilding your life. Even with the 12 steps, you don't have to go it alone - there are many in AA or NA who are there to help you learn what to do.
Try a few new things, to calm yourself each day: prayer, maybe meditation, herbal tea or spiritual or inspirational books, bubble baths, long walks... these are soothing forms of self-nurturing, and that's what you need to give yourself. We neglect our purest needs terribly when we're lost in drugs.
You just overcame the scariest part - the addiction - the rest of life is much better. You are going to look back on this part of your journey one day, and smile... laughing at your needless fears - and realizing then how much of life you can simply enjoy, free of drugs to numb it away.
PS - Feel FREE to think out loud here... lol... it's a great forum to do that, and I'm sure it'll help you to vent those thoughts!
A favorite poem...
One of my favorite poems came to mind when I wrote that last post - just thought I'd share it, in case anyone else may like it. No, I am not the author - but I certainly appreciated it. Coming back from addiction felt, to me, like coming back from a "near-death" experience - a new chance at life...
We are born into the World
Like a blank canvas
And every person that crosses our path
Takes up the brush
And makes their mark
Upon our surface.
So it is that we develop.
But we must realize there comes a day
That we must take up the brush
And finish the work
For only we can determine
If we are to be
Just another painting...
Or a Masterpiece
Keep in mind, as you start out on this journey, that you -and you alone- have the choice of how to look at anything in life. You can choose to see things through a positive, hopeful, exciting lens... or a negative, scary and difficult perspective. Free of drugs, we make that choice each day - and in every situation. Whichever "lens" we use is our choice of an attitude, and will alter our perception of everything that happens. ~ Ruth
Wow such wonderfull words and advice. I woke up today very dizzy I don't know what that is. lol
As I awake though got cleaned up, took a shower, did some work around the house. My sleep is messed up. awake much of the night. Sleep till noon or later. I still get very uncomfortable at night. Tossing and turning hot and cold. Just plain frustrated. Then I seem to calm as daylight nears and fall asleep. Im not sure if this part is mental or I still have low level RLS. I just dunno.
The days so far have been on again off again. I feel fine for a couple hours and lousy for a couple. My early victorys came back to earth I guess. One thing I remember though is when I quit and for the first few days, I was running on pure anger. I was very mad that I had to do this and I think my anger actually helped me a little. Now as this has gone on it has become more normal. Again I don't know.
Today I am going to try and not lay around so much and force myself to get some things done that have gone on the back burner since I started this.
Im also going to try to get on a normal eating schedule starting today. For some reason those pills made me hungry and eat all kinds of hours. Wasn't odd for me to be cooking at 2am. LOL
I also have an old friend on Facebook who I found out is a Substance Abuse counselor and she told me she would sponser me.(did not know what this was) So I am supposed to call her today. Is it odd that I really do not want to do that ? I mean I know it's good and all but I just don't want to. More Fear I guess. At worst it will be good to catch up for a bit I guess.
Let you know how it goes.
Ty so much all of you.
Im still having trouble with my body temp. It seems like my core is frozen if that makes sense. I also think if it wasn't for that I would not be so restless at night. If I turn on the AC Im cold. Off and I sweat. LOL
Other than that I have been doing good today. Laundry,dishes.cleaning. It's kicking my butt though, I want to lay down butit's time to think about dinner. Maybe after.
Originally Posted by longtime
The hot-and-freezing-at-the-same-time feeling passes with time. I know it well and it ain't fun, I feel for you there!
Since I'm so good at making lists (inside joke) here are some non habit-forming things you and your doctor could use to help you sleep. I put my best guesses at the top, the further down the list, the less effective (IMO) they are in your case. Take the list with a grain of salt. I just wanted to reinforce the idea that there are really good, non habit-forming sleep meds.
1 Trazodone, an antidepressant (unrelated to any others) with hypnotic and anxiolytic properties.
2 Surmontil, (available in the USA only in name brand and not widely carried by pharmacies - but they will order it for you) is a tricyclic antidepressant with sedating, anxiolytic and analgesic properties. There is some debate as to whether this drug may be more helpful in cases of opioid withdrawal-induced insomnia than others---conjecture at this point.
3 Remeron, a Tetracyclic Antidepressant with sedative (and many other) properties
4 Phenergan Tablets, a first generation antihistamine with markedly sedating properties
5 Vistaril, 1st gen. antihistamine
6 Doxylamine, 1st gen. antihistamine
7 Diphenhydramine, 1st gen. antihistamine
8 Brompheniramine, 1st gen antihistamine
9 Doxepin, a tricyclic antidepressant
10 Rozerem a "non habit-forming" melatonin agonist.
I bet somewhere in the top 4, your doctor will find a really good one for you. The further down you go (I could've named an endless list of TCA's and H1 agonists) the more of a blind guess it is (for me to make, I mean)...Good luck!
Well, last night was sleepless. Thank god I don't have to do anything right now. I did however sleep. From about 8:30am to 3pm so I got a good charge on right now.
Man the begining of this was easy it seemed. Now like 7 days in it's a grind. I feel good after sleep. Have only had a sandwhich and soup in 48hrs. Food seems to make me feel worse.
It's not untolerable, just yucky. I started this on 5/27 the day before my birthday so I would always remember it. Man I didn't need to do that. Im not going to soon forget this.
Still want to lay around alot. The days crawl by. lol
Yeah I can relate as I'm only one day ehimd you. The first seven days were easy becaise the sub's long half life, it's probably close to being out of your system now. Sleep is a tough one. Hope you can find a good otc sleep aid. The more you exercise the quicker the energy will come back. It can be quite the challange when you have no energy or motivation..