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I lost the love of my life
  1. #1
    adam613 is offline New Member
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    Default I lost the love of my life

    I am new to this, and recently enrolled in a counseling program for some really serious personal issues. I am not a pshyco killer or anything like that. Ive had a rough life, some of it my choosing, some of it not. I am not blaming anyone. I wanted to write on here to help fill the void between the every other day I dont see my counsler. I dont have too many friends because of their immaturity levels, and the only relative I have out this way is a former drug dealer trying to get his life together. I am in the military. I provide drug and alcohol counseling services to military members with problems. Long story short, in April I met the woman of my dreams. Sheer angel, utterly beautiful and flawless, a heart the size of the biggest diamond, and the most caring passionate person I will ever know. I fell in love instantly. She was out of a relationship for a few months but she was a recovering addict. I had not a single problem with that and it didnt make me love her any less. I told her since day one that everything was at her pace. I tried, and when I say tried I mean I tried so hard to support her in every way possible. I would listen to her whenever she wanted to talk, I would go get her whatever she wanted no matter how early or late it was, I would profess my love to her and tell her how much I admire her, and how proud I was of her for everything she accomplished. With her line of work she couldnt work too much with how sick she was at times, so when I could access my savings I would give her some here, some there. I have a horrible brain condition from so many IED blasts, and before I went away for a week I told her I would give her a amount we discussed. I wrote it down but forgot it. I still put money in her account but it wasnt the amount I remembered. Since then shes been distant. She calls me unreliable, at times she would say that I remind her of her ex(who is an addict too of what looks like every thing from tylenol 3 to >>>>>> and he didnt treat her the best) and that would moraly crush me to be related to a man like that after how hard I tried. She cant sleep at nights and when she does she has nightmares but once in a while she will get a good night sleep. I would wake up throughout the night to make sure she was okay, and not having nightmares. She looked so amazingly beautiful first thing in the morning I would be late to work sometimes because I couldnt leave her. Okay enough backround.

    Ive had some family issues as of lately, my family doesnt agree with my choice in the military, my PTSD guilt is acting up, my girlfriend was sick andI didnt see her for a week but she did stop by for a couple minutes, but it was also the day she stopped and saw her ex to drop off a keyboard. She didnt tell me until I recieved this terrible email from some low life saying these cruel things and that my girlfriend isnt recovered. I thought it was her ex, but she blamed me and said I did it. I know alot of people say I love you and I love you too, but I have never ever said I love you too to her. I love her like the stars like the night. After the email last night she broke up with me. Said I was a victim and that Im acting like a baby.

    I was crying so hard because before I met her, i had a horrible 7 year relationship where I was walked all over and gave her whatever she wanted and she always cheated on me and lied. She never tried to understand me, my PTSD, never asked questions about my job. Just didnt care. I know that my girlfriend, well ex now, cared. It was harder than it should be to ger the time to listen to my problems or what I was going through. One night I was telling her a story about Iraq and I was in tears and I looked over and never saw a more uninterested face. I would always try my best to get her lists of meetings to goto and support groups and tried to get her a job, but she was just not interested. My father was an alcoholic and I deal with addicts every with my job. Something wasnt right. The last 2 weeks of the relationship we barely talked, she pulled herself away from me, didnt invite me to her church group meetings, deleted any type of comment I would leave her, hid all the pictures of me on facebook. Granted she was sick, but one day she was good enough to go shopping all day see her ex and see me then went to a party that night and never considered asking me. I wanted to get involved with her church group, but its like she doesnt want me there. I feel as if sometimes she was ashamed she was dating a guy in the military. I know she loved me, I know that for a fact, but I was the first military guy she ever dated.

    I was like no other guy she ever dated. I never once lied to her, I left work one day to go make her food because she was sick, I gave her distance when she wanted it. When her withdrawls were really bad I would try my best to find anxiety meds for her or sleeping pills and when I returned she would laugh at me for not bringing enough. I put well over a thousand dollars in her account in june to help her out with bills and rent. I would do anything for her. And because I had a rough patch for a week (which I started counseling yesterday) she couldnt "take it" and left me. I never, ever considered leaving her when she was having a hard time with her detox. I would never give up on her. I was an alcoholic until the age of 22-23, but I hated it so I did the hardest cold turkey there was and mentally forced myself to not needing it and today I can have a drink with dinner and be around people drinking. I was also on norcos for about a year for my cancer, which I offered to give them up and stop taking them because I didnt want it to be a slap in the face for her. THATS how much I love her. As soon as I was cancer free the doc wanted me to stay on norcos for the reoccuring pain but I said no way. I would never want to take a pill in front of her.

    I dont know what im trying to accomplish writing this. Maybe someone can help understand why she slowly pushed me away and made me disapear, then broke up with me on my first day of counseling? I called out of work today because my eyes are so puffy from crying til 4 in the morning. She said we can still be friends, she said she will still see me, and that we can work on things and I will work on me and she will work on her, but thats what every girl has told me. I am hoping and praying for the best. If its not meant to be then oh well I suppose. I feel I let her down, but at the same time i feel like there is so much she isnt telling me about her recovery. I told her it wouldnt hinder our relationship, and that I would support her still and love her just as much. But there is more going on I suppose. One day after she left I found a xanax on her side of the bed, I found an empty weed container in her car which she said was her sponsors, I found a hydromorphone in her car when I was vaccuming it out, then the worst was I found a script for a TON of Dilaudid which is hydromorphone that was filled in may. She told me she had to repay a dealer from a long time ago and thats how she did it, but I never saw that face while she was telling me the story. I wish she could tell me everything, good or bad. It never would have changed anything and I told her that to. She would respond angry or clueless so I didnt even bother asking anymore.I wish I could have been a better support system for her. I had a bad two weeks, but yesterday and the day before was golden for me. I was the man she fell in love with. And because I got a stupid email, she left me.

    I told her I would give her distance and not text, call, email. She has a new church group which she loves and I am happy for her so Im sure they will be filling her time. I dont expect to see her for a while, or who knows maybe never again? What am I to do? My family wont really talk to me, and I was just telling them how perfect she is and how much I love her, now I gotta call and say oh hey she dumped me. I cant tell my immature friends, they will really make fun of me because I was saying she was the one. These threads rock, I hope some input would be given. It would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Adam,

    Welcome to the forum. Your story broke my heart. I had to read it twice to fully get the impact it made the first time I read it. You sound like a really awesome guy. But at least for me, it's almost like my story with my boyfriend. I was a similar person to him as you were to your girl. I was always supportive. I was a great girlfriend to him. But I was an addict of 7 years and hid it well. He began to suspect that something was just not quite right, but seeing as he NEVER, ever used any kind of drug, he didn't really understand or know what was wrong. I finally told him and he offered me ALL of his continued love and support. And he did just that, for a while, but then my "friends" got to him and tried to get him on their side and wanted me to continue using. Not this girl.

    So after some serious around-the-clock talking, he just decided to leave me. That was just about 2 weeks ago. I have a 4-year old son and he wasn't his father, but he acted like it. So I had to try and explain to the little guy why his "daddy" had left and was not coming back. Tough to do for sure. But I think I did a good job of it. He still misses him, and so do I, but I can not and WILL NOT have anyone in my life that doesn't support my wanting to get clean and better my life by 100% of their time. So if he hadn't left on his own, I would have booted him out anyway. So here I am almost clean and looking forward only. You must do the same I guess. I am not any kind of relationship expert, far from it. But I do know what I want in a guy, and I really thought it was him. Glad I found out before it went any further. Gosh we were really considering getting married! But I am perfectly ok with it now and I have great friends here.....more like FAMILY really! They are awesome!

    You hang in there and please keep right on posting. You came to the right place for some answers. Many here will offer you some excellent advice or suggestions. Take care my friend and I hope to speak with you again real soon. Blessings to you also.

    Big Hugs,
    Karen
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  3. #3
    adam613 is offline New Member
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    Karen,
    Thank you for the support. Your the first person Ive talked to since this happened. I made 2 appointments with my counsler today because theres just so much I need to say and fix on my end. I CANNOT believe he left you? Thats not a man at all. And as far as your friends go, to do that behind your back and try to get you to use and influenced him, well thats just flat out unacceptable. Those are no friends and you have a better chance at finding friends here. I will say a prayer for them, maybe the Man up top can show them the way. I will also say a long prayer for you and your son. If you love someone you stick by their side through thick and thin, and you love them for them. Never once did it ever cross my mind to leave her. I would have done anything for her. We agreed in may to not bring her recovery into the relationship, to leave it with her sponsors and mentors partly because my job of being a substance abuse counsler I was trying to help. Not trying to tell her what to do, but to motivate her. I wrote her a book in may full of bible verses and quotes for her to use as inspiration, but she never took it. Then in June is when she started to get different. Her glowing personality was diminishing, she didnt look at me the same, she didnt hold me the same, I knew something was going on. But it never made my love for her any less. I loved her more for what she was going through and how she was handling it. Ive known some real true war heros that I said I was proud of, but she gave proud a new definition. Then it all unraveled. I was gone for two weeks and came back in an emotional hurricance because of issues back home and she was sick for two weeks and I didnt get to see her. We had the best day ever on tuesday, prayed, bowled, had a long talk. Then she shocked me asking what would I do if she died tomorrow? It broke my heart thinking that. Im not good with talking, but I found the words to tell her that she is my only one, and if by some chance she did pass I would never date or love again because I would be lying if I told anyone else I loved them. The next morning she left and this distinctive feeling in my gut told me that was probably the last time Ill ever see her, that she was done with me. Work came up for her on the 4th and we were supposed to watch fireworks but she wasnt up to it. We were supposed to goto disney yesterday but again she didnt feel up for it. Then the bomb dropped last night because some >>>> person sent me an email saying such cruel things about her, she thought it was me for some reason and not her ex boyfriend who just got out of jail and lied to her about most everything, but she seriously thought it was me. That broke my heart. It added to all my problems back home and I went into emotional shock. She said it was over, that we would "still talk" and "see eachother" and "work on things" but at that point I told her I would give her space because my gut was telling me again that I most likely never see her. She has a new found group of friends from her church, men she adores for their personality and faith (ive been a believer since I was a kid, a very strong beliver I just wasnt used to being in a relationship where so much faith was present and I was just coming out of my shell when she dumped me) So I imagine she will meet someone when shes ready from there. You know the saying hoping for the best but preparing for the worst? I lost the support of my mother and family, i have no mature friends, and every good friend ive ever had died in Iraq. She never tried to understand what my PTSD was, or how it effects me. She called me a physco last night because I was crying. I stayed up until 4am occasionaly crying and came to the conclusion that I just need to let her be and work on her recovery, and I will continue my counseling and get back to the man she fell in love with. Im not perfect, i care too much, i had my best friend die in my arms from bleeding out from losing thee limbs and when I went to his house to give his parents some things his mom spit in my face and said i should rot in h-!! I just overcame cancer with no support of my family, of course I have issues. But it seems like she was only so far interested in them but I understand that because of what she was going through. I feel like I have no heart right now. I supported her the best I could, I understood what she would tell me, I tried my best to be a gentleman to her, I did whatever she asked as far as her recovery, then I had a bad week and she left me. I am so sorry this is so long, but I have literally no one to talk to until I meet with my counsler. Just typing this brought tears to my eyes again so thats why I called out of work. I put my phone in the bathroom because every text or call I am hoping its her, but nothing. I told her >> give her distance, so thats the plan. I am just filling my time reading the bible, taking notes, and writing what the counsler said to me.

    Enought about me and I am so sorry that was so long. Im just devistated right now.

    I am sorry your son still misses him. That is such a shame that your ex would walk away like that. Men, or should i say boys, are a rare occasion anymore. Most only want one thing, and think that they are the boss and can put on a great show. But I promise once you feel fully recovered and are ready to get out and look again, you will find what your looking for. Until then continue the great job your doing with recovering, know that God is watching out for you and your best interests and know that even though I just "met" you, I am so proud of you for being so courageous to be doing what your doing.

    Again, thank you so much Karen

  4. #4
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Adam,

    You say such very nice and kind things to me. I really appreciate it too! I can't believe that she spit in your face! That is beyond cruel in my opinion. And to think your ex thought you would send that kind of email makes no sense to me either. I know how much you loved her, but that is just really strange because of all the things you did for her to think you would do that?? Just makes no sense!

    I know how much of a jolt the separation can be. I was a wreck for a day or two, but I am just so determined to get clean, and STAY clean that it really didn't matter in the overall grand scheme of things. My recovery is THAT important to me right now. I have a son that needs a mother that is 100% there for him, and parents that support me at every turn. And I wrote about my one very BEST friend that still uses. She would really take a bullet for me without asking. But she still uses. She won't use around me, or even bring it up. The people here (Robert) said it was ok to not give her the boot. I really need her right now and she is there for me at every turn.

    I certainly hope and pray that you can find some peace real soon. You had a terrible experience and it certainly can wear you down. But it's how you bounce back that really counts you know? You sound like a very strong individual, and I'm sure you will get back into the swing of things soon. I hope so anyway. I wish you well and hope you continue to post. Wish I could be of more help, but I am in the race of my life right now and this one I really need to win. And I assure you that I will!

    Take care Adam and thanks again for the very nice words! Blessings to you my friend.

    Lotsa Love,
    Karen

  5. #5
    Lost_soldier is offline Member
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    Adam,
    I am active duty Army and would like to help you anyway possible. Maybe you will find comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason. Losing my wife and daughter was rock bottom for me. between deployments, my addiction, and my career i have not spent nearly as much time with my daughter as i would have like to. But that opened my eyes to how blind i have been. Remember, as we say in the army.. Every quarterly training session, "A permanent solution to a temporary problem is a no go". Consider you values and Creeds. You are a soldier, a warrior, Physically and Mentally tough. I know what you have been through with 3 combat deployments (ABN INF) and 1 support deployment (Commo). I was medically re classed because of injuries sustained in combat. Just keep your head up and remember there is no answer you are looking for in any type of bottle.... Pill or alcohol. I will be constantly checking up on you bro.

    - B
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  6. #6
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Lost Soldier .... get in touch with me through a friend request in the support group section! You're already on my friend's list, just add me to yours and we can talk.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  7. #7
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Adam,

    My heart goes out to you, and I do understand the pain of that kind of loss. I'm writing to pass on what came to mind for me, and hope you are open to hearing it.

    If you are working as a substance abuse counselor, you should be aware of codependency and all it's ramifications. (I also work in the field, in a long-term treatment center.) Adam, you are a full-fledged, card-carrying codependent, and that can make for a very difficult relationship with others. Codependents tend to focus all their energies on that *one* person, and that is unhealthy for both her and you. Codependents love desperately. They make that other person the center of their universe, and that's too much of a burden for anyone. It isn't healthy. Codependents go overboard to put the other person first, and hold resentments when their efforts aren't appreciated or reciprocated. It isn't easy to be around.

    I've heard it defined that "codependents are folks who feel like their life is beyond their control - and, in turn, they try to control others." That "control" is often a subtle, subconscious thing. What you've given to her, you've given with expectations. It's an unspoken message of, "I love you, and I put you first - so you should love me and put me first."

    In the meantime, your girlfriend appears to still be struggling with her issues with drug addiction, as well as issues with abuse. I don't know if she's clean or not, or even giving it her best effort. If you are a licensed counselor, you certainly should realize just how impossible it is to have a meaningful relationship with an active drug addict. Drug addicts (and I am one, in recovery) are notoriously self-absorbed, focused on their own need to avoid pain and find the drugs to do so. An addict is simply incapable of putting someone else first, as the drugs rule their days.

    It wasn't the email that ended the relationship; that was simply the weapon she used to do what she felt she needed to do. If your girlfriend has a history of abusive relationships, that is what is familiar. Until she finds the counseling she needs to turn that around, her history is going to repeat itself. She is simply not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who goes to such lengths to hold onto her. To her, that is weak; that is why she referred to you as a "baby."

    Codependents often play the role of the victim - or the martyr. But, in fact, they set themselves up to be in those roles. They do - do - do for that special person, giving the impression of selflessness - yet hold onto motives that are basically selfish. The secret motive is... "If I keep doing for you and giving to you, you'll love me like I love you."

    Oftentimes, codependents go into the lines of work that fuel their codependency, such as working as counselors. But as a counselor, you have to be able to understand the difficulties of an intimate relationship with an addict. As a counselor, you should realize that she is not capable of a meaningful relationship, until she has been working a solid recovery program for at least a year. I'll be honest with you - I'm quite surprised that you allowed yourself to get involved with someone in her position, given your education.

    I urge you to get involved with some serious counseling for your own codependency issues, as well as getting involved with a 12-step program such as CODA (Codependents Anonymous). You have plenty of "stuff" to work out on your own, so that your pattern of relationships change.

    God bless,
    Ruth

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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  8. #8
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Adam, been there with the PTSD took me about 35 years after discharge to finally begin to deal with it and at times still have problems survivor guilt is a b%$#&, I was a medic 68-71 so I can imagine what was seen and had to be dealt with. In those situations we tend to numb our emotions, because they can become a liability. I urge you to deal with the PTSD first. That is the most important thing before a re;lationship and as Ruth said the codependency. Take it from an old vet the PTSd can influence everything from this point on until you find a way to put it aside.
    As far as those that treated you the way they did, your buddies mother grief makes people do strange things. Not making excuses for her. Just glad ya'll are not being treated the way we were. God Bless Surfdog

  9. #9
    Lost_soldier is offline Member
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    @ robert325
    I added you to friends, not sure how to use it.

    Adam how are you doing

  10. #10
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lost_soldier View Post
    @ robert325
    I added you to friends, not sure how to use it.


    Sent you a private message. It will show up in your email inbox. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Adam how are you doing Dog
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  12. #12
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by surfdog View Post
    Adam how are you doing Dog
    Adam,

    Please give us an update when you get a moment. Lots of people here really care about you! So give us a shout and let us know if you're ok.

    Hugs,
    Karen

  13. #13
    adam613 is offline New Member
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    Things have actually been alot better. I have not heard from her, nor contacted her for nearly 2 days now. I told her I would give her space and she told me she would get a hold of me when she was ready and I respected her wishes.

    I can't really sleep anymore, I keep waking up hoping she is in bed with me. But I'm doing better. I went to 5 counseling sessions since Thursday and now have sessions I can attend on base daily. I was put on pills to regulate the chemicals in my head but only for a few months.

    I've been keeping busy. Went to Venice beach all day yesterday and last night and today I am going to find a new church and hopefully find a church group to be friends with. She always told me I could meet her church group but something would always come up. I'm anxious to meet new friends and to worship and be involved in a community centered around God. I am ( hopefully) going to try to head out to a few bars with a former Marine friend tonight so it will be great to have a chance to socialize with people. But that's not a guarantee yet.

    Its been hard not to call, text, or email her these good moves I've been making, but I promised her I wouldn't. It is kind of hard because I realize how bad and cruel my actions were and I wish I could just let her know I am sorry, but a promise is a promise, and I will give her the space she needs until she wants to talk to me again. I had this whole week off and had so many plans for us and only got to see her one day, but I know (even though she wont admit it now) that shes going through alot. So while she is doing her thing, I am going to go do mine and enjoy my time.

    Ruth- I cant really agree with you on the codependent thing. Before she came along I was in a 7 year relationship that was straight from the devil himself then I got cancer. For about 8 months I promised myself that I would not date another girl and that I was done with the love scene. When I met her that all changed. She wasnt my everything. She wasnt my life. I loved her with a lot of my heart, but I never expected her to fix my problems. We spent plenty of days, even weeks apart but would stay in touch. I admire her and adore her, and I wish to have the passion and caring that she has. I knew it wasnt right to date her when her recovery was so fresh, but I wanted to be there for her, and I couldnt help it, I was in love. I never, not once, expected anything in return from her for the things I did. I treated her the way men are supposed to treat women. I was sad when she broke up with me so of course I cried but I knew it wasnt the end of my life.

    I have had four temptations to goto the bar and sit there and drink until I couldnt feel my face, but I have not. Ive stayed sober and hopeful. I want whats best for her, and if I ever hear from her again I want to be the best support I can be.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for the responses and the support. I hope you all have a glorious Sunday and make your way to church. I am excited for this new church. I would love to crawl back in bed since I only got 3 hours of sleep, but I made a promise to myself to go find my own church group and thats what I am doing. I will keep every single one of you in my prayers.

    Off to get in my Sunday best now. No need to dress like a bum just because my girlfriend left me. Again, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!


    Adam

  14. #14
    pgh491 is offline Member
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    dude...ruth is right on. She was gentle using the term "co-dependent". I would be more harsh and call it passive-agressive. You looked over and "never saw a more uninterested face" because she didn't feel you were confiding, she felt you were victimizing her with your pain. You know how bad it hurts, why pass it along?

  15. #15
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Adam,

    Thank you so much for the update. Glad you are getting out for the day and hope you enjoy yourself. You do sound a little better than that first day we met!

    I believe it's best to give her the space you promised. You never know what will happen and she could be right back after some time apart. If it's meant to be then it will be. But you can't put your life on hold waiting for her right?

    But I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and praying for you also. Take care and have an awesome day. I'll bet you look great in those Sunday duds!

    Big Hugs,
    Karen

  16. #16
    adam613 is offline New Member
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    Ive come to the realization (thanks to the counslers) my life isnt on hold for her anymore. I always told her it was at her pace. I tried my best to be there for her and to support her and have her back. I did all I could. I miss her. I miss her tons. But your right, if she comes back she comes back. if not, then I had some great memories with her and will cherish them forever and pray for her well being. No sense in sitting around sulking and feeling bad for myself. Life is too short for that. She can take all the time she wants and needs. If I dont hear from her after some time then its pretty clear what her intentions are. It is all out of my hands and all I can do is pray for her and that she stays strong while I focus on making my life good again. The rest is in Gods hands and that is where Ill let it be.

  17. #17
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Adam,

    You wrote:

    "I am in the military. I provide drug and alcohol counseling services to military members with problems."


    "I was an alcoholic until the age of 22-23, but I hated it so I did the hardest cold turkey there was and mentally forced myself to not needing it and today I can have a drink with dinner and be around people drinking."

    "When her withdrawls were really bad I would try my best to find anxiety meds for her or sleeping pills and when I returned she would laugh at me for not bringing enough. I put well over a thousand dollars in her account in june to help her out with bills and rent. I would do anything for her. "

    "One day after she left I found a xanax on her side of the bed, I found an empty weed container in her car which she said was her sponsors, I found a hydromorphone in her car when I was vaccuming it out, then the worst was I found a script for a TON of Dilaudid which is hydromorphone that was filled in may. "

    "I knew it wasnt right to date her when her recovery was so fresh, but I wanted to be there for her, and I couldnt help it, I was in love"

    "I am ( hopefully) going to try to head out to a few bars with a former Marine friend tonight so it will be great to have a chance to socialize with people."
    -then a few lines later - "I have had four temptations to goto the bar and sit there and drink until I couldnt feel my face, but I have not. Ive stayed sober and hopeful."


    My point, highlighting these messages???

    You claim to be a counselor for drug and alcohol addictions, yet so many things you've mentioned are so completely outrageous coming from anyone with that kind of education or experience in this field.

    1. You can not be an alcoholic for a set number of years and then return to social drinking. Alcoholism is a life-long disease. If you have ANY kind of licensing or accreditation in substance abuse, this lesson comes in Addiction 101.

    "...did the hardest cold turkey there was..." - the only "hard" cold turkey is when someone is so deeply into their alcoholism that they are physically addicted, which signifies late stage alcoholism. "...mentally forced myself not to need it..." That does NOT sound like anyone who knows this disease. Mental will-power does NOT resolve alcoholism. All it does it temporarily control it. Far more work is needed, which should be obvious to you as a "counselor."

    2. Despite being an addictions counselor, you enabled a newly recovering woman, giving her anxiety and sleeping meds, which is completely adverse to anyone with any education in this field. You enabled her with money, as well.

    3. Despite being an addictions counselor, you accepted a very typical addict's response to being caught with pills: "It was someone else's..." Every sign is telling you that she continues to use, yet you are choosing to ignore it. Sober people do not have (1) xanax, (2) pot, (3) morphine, and (4) dilaudid - just falling out of their pockets. Never. Ever.

    4. ABOVE ALL: You had absolutely positively NO BUSINESS getting involved with a newly sober woman. That is what is pissing me off the most right here. When a person starts a romance with someone new to recovery, they are placing a loaded weapon in their face and playing Russian Roulette. As a "counselor" - how DARE you!!! A newly sober person need to focus 100% on their recovery. Even laypeople in the program know this. It is widely understood and accepted in 12-step groups that an addict should refrain from ANY romantic relationship for the first year. Laypeople know this. You claim to be a counselor. That violates every ethical standard for working in this field.

    5. It sounds to me that you do not have your own recovery in remission. You claim to be an alcoholic, claim to not be caving in to temptation (4 times) - yet are eager to 'head out to a few bars' tonight. Wow - what a messed up way of approaching recovery.

    So - when you posted your first post on July 6 - it was filled with desperate longing for this woman. Then you told me that it's not codependency - and went on to give a post on July 8 of, "oh well, what will be, will be..." Adam, you aren't being honest with yourself. No one shakes off that kind of desperate loss (such that I can't work for 'crying until 4am') in 2 days. I don't even think you understand about codependency any more than you understand addiction and recovery.

    Do you still want to claim to work as a counselor???

    Robert_325, Sunny mom and surfdog like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  18. #18
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    double word!!!!
    Last edited by Robert_325; 07-09-2012 at 06:57 PM.
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    pgcc is offline Member
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    Sad story but I can relate. My girlfriend, who I would hve done anything for, broke up w/ me two months ago. It sucks she told me she didnt want to wait for me to get off methadone anymore and she didn't want to put in the energy of supporting me doing it. Basically she didn't love me anymore. Thats what it all comes down to. Although your girl seems to have some drug issues and she may have done you a favor in the end. But you did do some strange things being an addiction councilor. Why would you even date a newly recovered addict?
    Last edited by pgcc; 07-10-2012 at 01:28 PM.

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    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgcc View Post
    Why would you even date a newly recovered addict?

    Adam,

    I noticed you've been back to the forum repeatedly, read our posts and not responded. I wasn't pointing these things out to you just to give you a hard time. I'm trying to get you to see the whole picture, and recognize what you're doing. As I mentioned earlier, I counsel newly clean/sober women in a long-term treatment center, so I am quite familiar with the behaviors and attitudes of addiction. I am quite offended by someone calling themselves a counselor, yet acting in a way that is so unethical and detrimental to another's recovery. I'd appreciate your response.

    Ruth
    Robert_325 and surfdog like this.

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  21. #21
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Adam .... Ruth's request seems more than reasonable to me! Counselors especially don't prey
    on those just entering into recovery. There is no justifiable excuse for your actions, so what's your excuse? If you were just a freak who hit on some new girl at a meeting I would call you out on it, but this is totally unacceptable. You claim to be a professional. So give us the professional side of your dispictable actions. You won't reply to this most likely as you know you have NO acceptable answer. You need to find a new job where you are not around people in similar situations until you get your own life straight.
    surfdog likes this.
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    pgcc is offline Member
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    WOW!! This poor guy, I don't know why he would do what he did knowing what he should know. It makes no sense. But people do strange things when they fall for someone, he didn't do the right thing but he still deserves some compassion. I understand people being angry w/ what he did but again everyone knows if anyting makes someone act strangly and do strange things its really falling in love. This guy sounds devastated like a kicked dog. In my opinion your better off without an active adict as a girlfriend there were no good times ahead she did you a huge favor. I just got broke up with, by a clean really good girl, but I'm not nearly as upset as him. Maybe I wasn't in love?

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgcc View Post
    WOW!! This poor guy, I don't know why he would do what he did knowing what he should know. It makes no sense. But people do strange things when they fall for someone, he didn't do the right thing but he still deserves some compassion. I understand people being angry w/ what he did but again everyone knows if anyting makes someone act strangly and do strange things its really falling in love. This guy sounds devastated like a kicked dog. In my opinion your better off without an active adict as a girlfriend there were no good times ahead she did you a huge favor. I just got broke up with, by a clean really good girl, but I'm not nearly as upset as him. Maybe I wasn't in love?



    Hey man! This guy is supposed to be a counselor! At least that is what he claims. If I fell in love with every cute new female addict that walked in the door I would have accumulated a harum. There is no excuse for this action and he won't even face his peers with a reply! I have no mercy for him, he should know better. Counselors don't try to hook up with someone still geeking! End of story! God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Adam, In my previous post I was politely attempting to say deal with your issues. I have to agree with Ruth and Robert. I spent a lot of years working in this field, and have seen a great many counselors/therapist in it for all the wrong reasons. Usually to get their own needs met instead of meeting the needs of the client/.pt. This never works and normally does more harm than good. One cannot be objective if their own issues have not been resolved, and yours have not been resolved.
    The alcoholism, codependency, PTSD are still very active and the dating of a new comer into recovery is well completely unacceptable. I have no idea what kind of training education the military requires but regardless you have issues that must be dealt with prior to helping anyone else.
    You denied the codependency but it is apparent, you wanted to heal this woman and in return wanted her to meet your needs that she could not meet. She was not indebted to you.
    Resolve your issues, work with a therapist, go to AA get further training/education, whatever but at this point you cannot be objective with clients/pts. This field is just as any other branch of medicine we have pts die, relapse or just not show back up. This cannot be taken personally no therapist/counselor has ever gotten anyone sober nor kept that way, all we did was provide direction, support, and suggestions they do the work and they have to want it to be able to get better.
    All three of us would appreciate a response Dog
    Robert_325 likes this.

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