[Struggling wife and mother]

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. It does run in my family. Some women in my family tried and successfully committed suicide while others were extremely depressed their entire life. Before my grandmother committed suicide, she wrote a letter to each of her children telling them what had happened and why she did it. She ended her letter to my mother by begging her to seek help! The pain of depression hurt so badly my grandmother ended her life. She killed herself in the summer of 1981, roughly 3 months after I told my mother about what the neighbor boy was doing to me and right after my 4th birthday. The depression and guilt my mom had shortly after these traumatic events are what (I think)pushed her over the edge of management. She never went to counseling and my parents barely made it through together.

From what I can remember, depression started as quilt (due to the abuse as a little girl). Guilt then turned into a very LOW self-esteem and self hatred. I tried Paxil in high school, but didn't notice much of a difference. After high school I discovered alcohol. That was the only time I was happy for a long period of time.

I am going to stop for now. If anyone is reading this please let me know and I will continue. Did anyone else start this way?

[melinda7.5]

Good morning
I drank also as a teenager...juust numbed myself right up I think there are allot of us on here that have done that...
Melinda

[slgalberth]

Hello,
I also started drinking heavily as a teenager....I gave it up a few years ago and only have a drink once or twice a year but I can definitely understand.
Please continue....

[Psyched]

Looks like it's unanimous, I too started drinking as a teen. People drink for different reasons, though, Struggling. I does sound like you have depression and I hope you will come back and share your story...believe it or not, sometimes that's the best way to start relieving yourself of some of the pressures. I also hope you are or are considering looking into seeing a therapist to help you start dealing with your issues. God bless.

[Struggling wife and mother]

Alcohol, as we all have probably found, sneaks into your life and disquises itself as fun times. I drank for the fun times, then it turned into a ritual, then I did not know how to fit in otherwise. My drinking days came to a close around 2003 when I became pregnant with our first child. My now husband and I got married New Year's Eve 2003. By 2006 we had two beautiful blondies. Around the fall of 2006 I really started to notice a depression issue. Without noticing what I was doing, I began self medicating. Just to alter myself a little so I could stand being with myself. I developed a very painful disease (endometriosis) and had NO idea what was going on with my body. I had horrible cramps, I could not get out of bed, and pain and depression walk side by side. My obgyn perscribed Vicodin 5mg and that is where my love affair began. From the first time I took it I knew I had found my answer to feeling better and not caring. I stopped nursing our 9 month old and jumped into the world of self medication and pain medication. After about 4 months I was taking 250 pills every two months or so. I decided to have surgery because I did really hurt. The Dr cleaned me up and stitched me back together and started me on an anti depressant. He had started to notice an addiction developing so after a few weeks of taking the anti depressant I could surrender the vicodin bottle and turn away from it. We relocated to a new city and it took me a month to get in with my new ob so the shots that kept the disease at bay were put on hold for a month. It started growing back and it all started again, but this time I established quickly about 5 different doctors and all were perscribing pain meds. In 4 months I went from a size 9 to a size 0. I was again closely monitored by my new OB on how much vicodin I was taking. Of course, I was ready for that and he was unaware of the huge amount I was receiving from other Dr's.

The only cure for endometriosis is being pregnant OR having the uterus removed. We decided to have the surgery (my husband had no idea I was even taking medication at the time). 7 days before surgery I had the urge to take a pregnancy test and after 6 tests was sure I was pregnant...again. did not want to be and was devastated for the first 2 months. That led to more vicodin but I increased the mg's. At month 2 of pregnancy number 3 I flew home to visit my parents. They quickly noticed a difference in me and started nosing around. After talking with me about my addiction we went to the hospital and they monitored my pregnancy while taking me off the pain killers and introducing the lovely drug, methadone. While I was there I found out we were pregnant with identical twins. After a week I checked out and went back home to my husband and children with a completely altered lifestyle.

My husband did not want anymore children and was not shy about his thoughts what so ever. I was falling so deep into a black hole! I was trapped into another pregnancy times two and I was scared, and very much alone. My husband did not want them and told me so in many different ways daily. He wanted nothing to do with me sexually and that crushed me since I already had a low self esteem along with depression and guilt with a big addiction to top me off.

[Cats Meow]

So are you just taking methadone now?
It sounds like you could really benefit from counseling, have you tried that?
I'm not sure how much help I can offer at this point, but I'll leave you with this to think about. If you had a magic wand that you could wave, what would you change to make things better for you? You have to be specific, don't just say "make my depression go away", think about all the causes individually, what can you change to make things better? I don't know is not an answer. Try and write down and list everything and try and work on one thing at a time. Writing about what bothers you is very therapeutic, especially when you do it in long hand. I hope this little bit helps. Welcome to the site.
Cats

[Struggling wife and mother]

Unintentionally, I think that is what I am doing. I was reading through my post last night and I think I am just trying to get this horrible story out in words so it gets out of me. If I had a magic wand what would I change? I would not change anything from the past. I would make for damn sure the future was right. All of this ******** happened to make me better...somehow. God's plan is way better than I could dream up. I just don't understand! Depression hurts so badly and when I think I can handle the next obstacle, I am slammed in the face with another 2x4. Life seems to be playing a very mean game of, When will you just quit and kill yourself already?!

I am no longer on methadone. When we found out about the twins I started hunting for a "High Risk Pregnancy Doctor". I was going to the methadone clinic every morning and very embarrassed by it and my husband hated everything about the entire situation. At our first meeting, my husband, me, and our new Dr. had a meeting so he knew the entire situation of vicodin to methadone. He was very surprised the hospital I went to at my parents would jump from vicodin to something as strong as methadone. By quitting completely all narcotics I could miscarry the pregnancy, but he told me that between week 12 and 24 I could stop methadone and go back to vicodin and wean off of it. I was thrilled to hear I could give birth to our babies without them being born addicted to a drug. I did not like this entire situation I was in, BUT, being I had two innocent lives in my hands I wanted to make the best decision possible for their development. I had some joy during month 2 and 4 because I knew I was making the best decision for my two babies. I quit cold turkey the methadone and my doctor transferred me to vicodin 10 mg. Withdrawal was absolutely horrible from methadone. The vicodin 10 mgs did not even touch the symptoms. But after a couple days of vicodin, benadryl, hot baths and warm tea I was over the hump and being weaned off opiates all together!

The comments from my husband were daily and they hurt so bad and I was not strong enough to tell him to shove it FAR up his ass. I just started to sink more. All of this was my fault and I absolutely hated myself for doing all this to our family. I, secretly, gave up and gave in to vicodin. Vicodin was the only thing that made the pain not hurt as bad. When I took vicodin all of the mean things my husband said bounced off of me. I also could stand being around myself again. But, I gave in and was taking more than I was when I had found out I was pregnant. I would close my eyes and would see myself spiraling down a dark hole with death at the bottom. I had done research and found that vicodin does not hurt an unborn baby. ALL it does is make them born addicted to opiates (you would think that would mean something!). I knew that I was going to have to quit and I would not be able to keep all this a secret much longer, but another day would pass and so on. I was getting vicodin secretly, cheap and illegal.

At week 23 I flew back home to my parents house with our children (I should have never been allowed to leave a bed. Never should I have got on an airplane, but my dr. said all was well and I knew that my opiate addiction was not causing harm to our babies. At 23 weeks and 3 days I went into labor. I did not tell anyone for about 12 hours and I tried to make it stop. After 12 hours I drove myself to the emergency room. My dad was coming home from a trip and he just turned the car around and met me at the hospital. The doctors verified that I was in labor, but they would stop it. They had to ambulance me to a hospital that was better able to manage and save our babies if they were born that early. I got to the new hospital and labor got controlled. It got pretty intense and scary, but controlled. I immediately had the Dr's come in and asked my dad to leave and told them about how much vicodin I was taking and they all agreed that this labor was due to something much bigger than vicodin. All that did to them was make them just as high as me and it did not affect the duration of a pregnancy.

[htwooh]

This is a very familiar story from alcoholic women. Someone did something to them - someone molested them and then they felt guilt and shame. This is not a laughing matter but we have to believe that we are not the bad person - the person who hurt us is just not worth drinking over or being depressed over. I didn't 'turn' alcoholic until I was 28 and it was because I was selling real estate and I had a drink with a friend one day and sold 2 houses that day. I really thought it was because I was more competent and relaxed when I had that drink. Well I started drinking and drank evrysingle hour of my liffe for 9 months and was drinking 1 gallon of vodka (with hor deureves) every day. I knew it immediately and was happy that all I had to do was stop drinking and my liffe came back. I have had a couple relapses but the feeling of being sober is so much better. Don't let your past win - your life can be great and you can pull yourself out of it. I wasn't hurt when I was young so what was my reason - children of alcoholics have the predisposition and we 'feel normal or better' when we drink. Normal drinkers do not feel this way. I tried to describe to my husband what that first drink felt like to me and he was shocked. That first drink is really the only one that feels good to me - the resst is all down hill to a drunken stupor and death. We have to make our own happiness and all the drugs and booze in the world isn't enough. It will never help so hope you feel better and try some support groups. Good luck.

[APeabody]

You're story is so powerful and it is wonderful that you have had the strength to go through all that and carry on. You are a very strong woman. I've only just admitted to being an alcoholic and I too drink to stop the pain or to be okay with myself. But my drinking started to control my life. All I could think about was getting drunk and I loved the taste and the feel of losing myself.

You're story is alot like my mom's. She too was sexually abused as a small child, suffered very low self esteem, and became a drinker. She's been sober now for quite some time and ironically was in a relationship with an alcoholic who also got sober. Giving up the booze is not easy. I know how hard it is and how hard it is to hear our husbands horrible comments and feel guilt and shame at having to grovel. But quitting is for you. Quitting is to come back to yourself, not anyone else.

I think your spouse definitely needs Alanon and counseling would be very good for both of you probably.

You're not alone. We can be on this journey together. Just remember one day or even one hour at a time.
Maire