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Husband taking my meds
  1. #1
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default Husband taking my meds

    I am in such need of advice and please forgive the most likely lengthy post.

    I got diagnosed with Chronic Pancreatitis 1 1/2 years ago. I was put on Oxycontin and Vicodin and it was then that my husband began taking them both. I had to run out weeks early, before I figured it out. I tried locking them up, hiding them, etc. and nothing has worked.

    Fast forward to August '07, I had a MAJOR surgery. I had my pancreas, spleen and 1/2 duodenum removed. I almost died and in the meantime, he was home in those 30 days and my 2 surgeries, with our 2 year old son, getting high on my meds. He found the key and took them ALL!

    I got home and had a G/J tube and liquid Oxycodone. From day 1, he was emptying the bottles to the same level, carefully removing the seal, and drinking that stuff-gross. I went through massive pain and also withdrawl, at the same time, but he never told me. I didn't realize I was also getting watered down oxy, in my tube, and why I was suffering so much.

    2 months later, I got the tube removed and got pills and he started taking those. I am now dealing with severe attacks and have a vascular artery disease, causing abdominal angina, every day. Everyday I have terrible pain attacks and besides this artery issue, I also have a redundant transverse colon and 2 hairpin loops in there, causing additional pain.

    I kicked my husband out about 5 weeks ago, because I rediscovered he was again taking my meds. I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago and while having an attack there, he went into my purse (I was in the bathroom in my room) and he found my key, took it home, and again took my meds. My son was home with him and I threatened to call Social Services, if he didn't tell me what he was taking. I can always tell when he's on something.

    He also got some meds because he went (one of 2 times) to Pain Mgmt and they gave him Oxycodone for an undiagnosed pain he is/was having. No one has found anything wrong with him yet, maybe fibromaylagia but I don't know for sure. He'll say his shoulder hurts, legs and now his jaw because of his tooth (which IS bad), but I can't say if it's drug seeking or real pain. Obviously he likes meds and he's admitted his pain isn't that bad (when he's sober and off of them for awhile and rational).

    Anyway, when he got the prescription the first time for 84 Oxy, he lied and said he got nothing. He took 34 Oxy's in 2 days. 2 weeks later he got another 180 and he was already kicked out based on the first prescription I found out about him abusing, and he was a mess on abusing the 180. He was staying at his parents. I called the PM doc and this guy said my husband had JUST called and removed me from being able to talk to them but this doctor pleaded me to get my husband to change his mind and add me back. Little did I know, at that point, that that 2nd 180 count prescription was written and this doc obviously wanted to talk to me, to warn me.

    Yesterday he went into my purse and took more meds, while I slept. He went into my parents house this last week (and several times before), and took my mom's Vicodin (she needs back surgery). He's done this several times in the last few years with her AND my grandma, when she was alive and living there.

    I know people may jump to a conclusion that I'm an addict, since I'm on meds, but I am not. I fight daily to mentally check where I'm coming from, when taking them. My surgeon thinks I'm not taking enough and he can vouge, since he writes for them. I get 30 Vicodin and they last me a long, long time because this pain is SO intense, pills don't help. If you ever had a bad chronic pain, you know sometimes it's a futile effort to throw a pill at a flaming, chronic pain. When I got to ER, it takes 4-5 IV shots to even attempt to get my pain under control, so I usually save the pain meds for the lingering shoulder and back pain, after an attack.

    I need another surgery and fear more meds, him being left with our now 3 year old and the whole saga.

    As for his parenting, he thinks he's great. To be honest, he sleeps a lot, obviously is an addict, stays in his office a lot, puts our kid in his room a lot, ignores the child saying "daddy I'm poopy" or things like that (I woke up to "daddy I'm poopy" yesterday and my kid was on the sofa and he was in the office).

    My question is this: When is enough, enough? I love him and consider(ed) him my soul mate. We dated since we were 16 and then broke up ang got back together. He's gone from marijuana, to porn, to alcohol, to prescription meds, back to the others, etc. He went to 3 Urgent Cares last week and our primary and got 1 bottle of Vicodin and muscle relaxers, anti anxiety meds, etc.

    Do I kick him out again? He carries our insurance and I take enzymes now, that cost over $4k per month! I need another surgery, soon. I can't live in pain and originally had the other surgery, to get OFF of pain meds and that's the whole reason I walked in that direction. I don't want meds and I don't want pain anymore.

    If he goes to treatment, he'll get fired because of the time he's missed due to my surgery and complications. I don't care if they aren't "supposed" to fire him, they probably will. He has our insurance and I have a kid and DAILY, HOURLY pain and attacks. I'm not kidding, my family watches me suffer in pain and I have attacks in church, shopping, driving, it doesn't matter or care when it hits me.

    I know the "if he doesn't lose his job to this he'll lose it eventually", my family tells me this. I'm smart, I know this but reality is that we NEED insurance, I NEED insurance and my enzymes (or I can't eat and digest food). I can't work because of my health and work from home anyway, but much less than before.

    I want to do what's right for my kid, for myself and for HIM. He needs help and I want to show "tough love" but he will say, "kicking me out isn't 'love'. I've heard it ALL before and still can't live it down, that I kicked him out.

    He has not abused me, doesn't cheat but is obviously caring about himself only. I've suffered weeks without meds, because they were all gone. I've suffered in pain because he took them all and I had to wait. Can I get in trouble for knowing he took my meds and not doing anything? Can I get in trouble when he's taking care of my kid and I KNOW he's done this stuff, but obviously don't always know when he's done it. By default, if something happens to my kid, can I be charged or blamed? Not to mention the things I'd have to live with, just dealing with regret!

    Any help is appreciated. Please be nice and don't jump to conclusions about me....if I were addicted or having issues, I'd be honest. I have been torn apart on forums before, because of things I've posted about my health or questions about other issues. People can be really mean on forums and I don't need that right now, I've have enough to deal with. My integrity is above board and I'm totally and utterly being honest about everything.

    I have not always been the nicest to him, when I've uncovered his lies. I've told him he disgusts me or acts worthless when on those pills. I've used the "F" word and although it's NEVER consistenly and usually only when I initially have anger hit me, it's wrong nonetheless. He's told me I don't respect him and talk "down" to him but it's ONLY when this stuff happens and again, it's wrong of me. I don't know how I could be perfect and my pastor thinks I've put up with a lot and a few bad things said here and there is not really bad, considering the circumstances, but either way it's not helpful.

    Thanks for reading.
    W

  2. #2
    vduda is offline Member
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    Mk,

    My heart goes out to you. And don't worry I am not going to judge, especially since I have been attacked on this forum for being honest and open with my struggles with addiction. I have been off the opiates for 7 and a half months after taking huge amounts of prescribed opiates for a decade. It sounds like your husband is really sick and in need of serious help just like I was, but for different reasons and on a much larger scale. Remember "love" does not hurt. He does not seem to care about your health condition. Personally, I never stole anybodies meds because I have legitimate reasons for pain meds because of chronic pain and doctors through the stuff at me. Nonetheless, now I learned to deal with the pain and actually I feel pretty awesome. I don't want to get into all my injuries, if your interested look up my post and replies.

    Now it seems to me that your husband has gone over the top. Your child may be in danger and if something was to happen could you live with yourself? The time to act is now before it is to late.

    The insurance situation is a problem. Does he belong to a union and do they have a contract. If so you can check what the policy is on voluntarily seeking help for addiction. That is what I did because I knew I was literally 2 weeks from death and my union came to my defense. In short, I had broken my neck in April in an auto accident, surgery at the end of July and back to work in August. But even before that I was on huge amounts of opiates for 10 yrs because of other injurious and conditions. My boss was not empathetic and made my life hell. She knew I was heavily medicated, had a brace to support my reconstructed neck and had to walk with a cane. She put me on a duty where I had to stand for 1 and a half hours. I lasted to mid September when I finally couldn't take it anylonger and went to my union. I took a 4 month leave and went to Detox right away. It was the most horribly painful experience I ever went through, but it was worth it. Now, I am in perfect health and my body has miraculously healed from all the damage of ten yrs of heavy opitate use.

    If your husband does not have a union to protect him you may have to take a chance and have him baker acted to access his mental state. He is not acting reasonably even for an addict. In short, he is out of control putting your health and your child's safety in jeopardy. He needs help and it may take an intervention. Usually, it does not work unless the person wants to quit, but in this situation he may need a drastic event to happen so he can see actions and the consequences.

    Another route is to have him arrested for taking your meds. It is a federal offense and if you are knowledgeable about him taking your meds and do nothing then, technically you are an accomplice. Man I don't know what to say exactly, this is a serious situation. Like I said my heart goes out to you because your in so much pain. I feel compassion for your husband because I know what it is to be addicted. And I am mostly concerned about your child's welfare.

    I wonder why you are getting so sick. One sickness after another just seems so suspicious. This may be way out there but you don't think your husband would do anything to make you sick so he can get your pain meds. I know it is a horrible thought, but it came into my head. Sorry if I am way off, I don't mean to overstep my bounds.

    For one thing I applaud your dedication to your marriage. But I think it is time to act. I made a few suggestions. Don't know if it will help. Wish I could do more. I will pray for you and your family. God Bless

    VJ

  3. #3
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default my husband

    Well, there's something I didn't post that will only make it most suspicious he's doing something but I don't truly think he is, but I want to share nonetheless.

    A brief history on myself is that in 1-2006, I had my gallbladder removed and it simply wasn't working any longer (no stones). Then in 6-06, I had my first pancreatic attack. 1-07, I finally got insurance and after all those months of attacks and suffering, I got diagnosed and admitted to the hospital, etc. Until 8-07, I was on STRONG meds (as you read earlier) and didn't want a life of that, nor the battles of my husband taking them, so I had a major, major surgery (again, as you read). Almost died, 2nd surgery the very next day after the first (internal bleeding, etc) and then massive post surgical complications (an infection, a clot in my portal vein, absyss on my liver, a leak in the intestine, G/J tube and so much more...)

    Anyway, I THINK my problems is vascular and that those may have been the issues all along, because lack of blood supply in the artery that's blocked in me, can cause organ failure. Just a guess and now they don't think the pancreas was ever the main problem.

    The thing I didn't share is long winded but I ended up with HIS heart med, Lisinopril, in my meds. I confiscated a bottle of Oxycodone he got (same strength as what he was stealing in MASSIVE quantities from me) and didn't have anyplace to put them (my storage box is way too small), so I combined them with mine. He has known of this and just yesterday it was confirmed that I've been taking what I believed to be Oxycodone (no more than 1 or 2 max per day....so very small dose) for 1+ months.

    The thing I asked him is if he was EVER going to tell me. Granted, he didn't switch them but he knew I had combined them all and he's been in my purse and seen them. He told me he wasn't going to tell me and I find that awful. He didn't want me to know that he had switched them, because he had me "counting" these "oxycodone, i.e. Lisinopril", when he got them from Pain Mgmt a few months back. Since he switched them, I thought it was fine until I found out he was abusing my meds, etc. and then took the bottle from him. Hope you follow that. He has cardiomyopathy and we are 32 and he has a defibrilator and is on heart meds.

    I talked to my doctor about if I should have taken them from him, since they were his, and she thought it was a good choice because he can't keep abusing them and if he overdosed, I'd feel responsible. So I took them and when I didn't have a place to hide them, mixed them with mine and that was dumb but I didn't know they were Lisinopril and hindsight, should have tossed them out. I simply didn't know if he was actually in pain, at the time, and needed them later. I have felt so bad because he says he's in pain, but he now admits at times that it's the drugs and then other times, says it's real pain. I never know what to think.

    I thank you for your insight and hope maybe there's other things you or others can share. I'm lost and have considered calling the police on him, so have my parents, but then he'll have a felony and maybe it's enabling to protect him but I've been through so much this last year. I just start to blame myself for even being in pain and needing to take meds, but I know that's silly thinking.

    He's home, I gotta run. I'll check back again.
    W

  4. #4
    Tracy.L is offline New Member
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    I have read your story but, I must admit not all the responses so I'm sorry if I repeat anything already said.

    1, Do you have a TRUSTED family member/neighbour/friend to whom you could give the majority of your meds to for safe keeping. One to whom your husband does not have ready access to? You could then set up a system by which you only keep 2 -3 days of meds in your possession,(with strict instuctions that on NO ACCOUNT should your husband be given any of the meds under ANY circumstances) with the rest kept out of his reach. At worst this will limit his access.

    2, Ignore your husbands pleas that you are talking down to him. It is plain that dispite all of his actions that you still love him and that he clearly needs help for this addiction to pain meds. The doctors and dispenseries will flag him up as an abuser and he will be cut off and you are right in your concern about child services getting involved.I know this may sound cruel but have you considered restricting his access to his children until he gets some form of help/ counselling. For he badly needs some help, both for his sake and yours. Just because he is not buying from a pusher does not mean that he is not in effect a junkie and a badly effected one at that from his actions you have described.

    I wish you luck and hope that you regain your health.

  5. #5
    vduda is offline Member
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    Tracy makes a good point about keeping your meds out of the house. Give them to someone you trust. They can be dispensed to you as you need them. She also mentioned that you should not allow him to see the children until he gets help. This is tough love, but in it sounds like good advice. Like I said the most important thing is the welfare of your children.

    Another thing Tracy suggests is calling the Pain Mgt doctors and letting them know that he is doctor shopping and he will be flagged. The problem is that he may try to get his fix on the streets. But maybe that is what needs to happen. Eventually, he'll run out of money or get busted. It just seems that he is on a very destructive course even for an addict. Again, I am not judging, but being a former junkie I never did anything like this and I was on major amounts of opiates. Never stole, never placed a loved one in danger and took care of my responsibilities. I guess I was a functioning junkie until the last year when I broke my neck.

    Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Your husband definitely needs professional help both detox and rehab. Did you check to see if he is a union member at his work and what there policy is on seeking help for drug addiction? This is very important and could be very helpful. It is obvious that something needs to be done as quickly as possible. And you need to take care of yourself. Worrying about all these problems will not allow you to heal. Stress is a killer. Take care of yourself. Your in my prayers. God Bless.

    VJ

  6. #6
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default my husband

    I talked to our health insurance carrier last week and asked if they could please flag his health insurance and they were going to "get back to me", because they didn't know if they could with a non Med Asst account. That day, I got a booklet from BCBS and there's a clause that says they CAN do this and so I'll call them again and tell them to look back at last weeks activity with him and then make a quick decision. I hope this doesn't affect our benefits, he works for a self insured company (they pay the claims).

    He's not union, he's a computer tech and works for a large corporation. He missed a load of work the last 1/4 of 2007, due to my problems, and they were very, very supportive but that changed at his review. He was told he needs to be there this year, or his job could be in jeopardy. His bonus was drastically cut because of missing work but that's the least of our worries.

    We have 1 child together and then 1 who is not mine, whom we have every other weekend. I told him last night that I am not feeling safe with leaving our kid with him and his response was, "when in the last 3 years has he NOT been safe?" Well, I've watched him drink and take an anti anxiety med, drink and get drunk, be high on tons of various meds and he did this while I was gone and in the hospital and when I'm right here. He doesn't see it and I don't believe he will.

    He cried all over my arm yesterday, saying he loves me and will not take my meds ever again and to please forgive him. I don't trust this and a flag appeared in my head when he said, "I won't take YOUR meds again"....well that's nice but it doesn't solve the problem of his abusing meds.

    I have people I can give my meds to but he does have access to their homes. I think the best thing is a box with a key pad on it, but it's dumb to have to do that and live like that. I've been counting meds for a long time now and I don't want to be the Police of his meds, or have to be suspicious of mine. When he got meds, I was told by his parents that I have to dispense them and count them and that's not a job I want. It MAKES me disrespect him when I have to do that.

    When I have these attacks, they don't subside right away and I can't drive to get my meds but if I had a few days here, I guess that would work. I guess the question is, am I willing to live like this and to hear that makes me think NO. I mean, what is that asking of your wife and mother of your children, to have to live in an environment like that? My father thinks it's horrible that a husband would do this to his wife. My husband, during his crying, said that he knows I'm too emotionally close to be able to even think right and this is what he's told his friends, who've been in awful relationships. He said that he knows I'm in a tough place and he's sorry but to give him another chance to prove himself.

    My husband is a smart man and a good communicator and I believe his heart is in the right place, but he cannot help himself and he's admitted numerous times, he gets impulsive. He'll think about taking meds and then do it and then regret it. So if he can't help himself during those times, can he truly believe that he's never going to do it again?

    He did cold turkey on smoking, almost 2 years ago and marijuana about 3 years ago, but things have evolved into this. He thinks he can cold turkey this, and maybe he can, but is that possible? Why am I even considering allowing him to stay? It's partly his job and benefits, seeing his children and majorly my health status. This is so hard.

    I know as time ticks, I'll become more and more convinced that "this time is different", but it's never been before and he's gone back and it's gotten worse each time. I do agree, he'll end up on something worse and I have so much to lose financially. I own our house out right, in MY name, it was an inheritance. I have money that came into this marriage and I paid down debts, sent him to college and bought him new cars almost every 2 years, as I drive around a beater. I am an enabler and a caregiver and I think this is partly all my fault. But if he spirals more, I can lose my husband, my child, my "earthly posessions" and my sanity.

    And yes, I have absolutely seen a correlation between my attacks and stress. Angina can be brought on by stress and I had attacks numerous times yesterday, just talking to my family about this situation. I know this can kill me too but I do nothing for myself and have to find a factor that really hits me. I don't know what that will be.

    W

  7. #7
    ymccormack is offline Member
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    MKwendy:

    I scanned through the posts...please forgive me if I skipped something crucial to the whole story.

    Firstly, I am so sorry you are in this position. On top of being in horrible pain, you are having to worry about your husband's ability to cope. It's disappointing, if I had to undergo multiple surgeries and deal with chronic pain, I would expect my husband to step up to the plate and help me (I'm pretty confident he would)...instead, your husband is causing you even more stress and certainly not stepping up to the plate. He says you are talking down to him -- but how else can you speak to him? He's behaving like a teenager and - especially now -- you need him to behave like a grown up. Like a partner.

    This is a difficult situation. I worry about your kid(s) the most. I am always willing to suffer so my kids don't have to.

    Your husband is a drug addict. Nothing is going to change or get better until he is able to accept that and get some type of help. He may be a good candidate for methadone...it will also help with his pain (if it's real). He could continue to work -- which is part of stepping up to the plate -- supporting his family while you are sick.

    I'm usually an advocate for tough love - and you may have to administer it here. But because of the insurance and your compromised health -- I suggest you give him the option of methadone treatment.

    Just make sure your child is comfortable and happy. I know it seems weird to tell you that -- but, in your situation, it's easy to divert your limited energy to the squeaky wheel - your husband.

    Good Luck and Keep Posting

    I'm here to talk anytime.

    YM

  8. #8
    dianimalover is offline Junior Member
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    Default i've lived it too

    I had a boyfriend of 15 years who would keep stealing my xanax no matter where I would hide them or whatever.He knew I had such bad anxiety I would shake and freak out about leaving the house it was deadly serious, but he didn't care he just wanted to get high and I heard all the promises and lies too. I too thought he was my soulmate, but if he was he wouldn't be taking advantsge of me like he was. About the insurance, Go to social services and explain the situation and apply for medicaid, I don't know what state you live in, but in Nevada they immediately started paying for all my health needs and rx's until they sorted out if I was eligible.Then when they decide you are you are FREE from that lying, stealing, cheating, unworthy of your love and commitment to him. It also sounds to me like you are VERY co-dependant and need either therapy or do some research on it at your local library or the book store oe the computer. It will definately help you. I am finally free of my son a ..... and you can be they won't change a THING if you are just making it comfortable to treat you and your baby this way. You don't derserve it and your kids DEFINATELY don't deserve it, they weren't given a say who they were born to. If you can't do it for yourself do it for them and think of the psychological problems they will have as adults mif this behavior is allowed to continue. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I am only giving you my own experience asI feel it pertains to you. It was so emotionally painfully for me I almost took my own life add had a nervous breakdown. Please don't let it take THAT to make you do SOMETHING! God Bless you and keep you and yours honey. I really hope things turn out the best for you sweetheart.

  9. #9
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default husband and my meds - to dianimalover

    I too have wondered if I am co-dependent and enabling. I can look back just a few years where I know I would have left in a heart beat. I had a thriving business, 100% healthy, independent, etc.

    I am now facing ANOTHER surgery this Thursday, to remove 70% of my large bowel and a bypass on a blocked artery. I am so sick. I was in the hospital last Tuesday and then again Thursday-Friday.

    I'm scared because of leaving my son here, dying, what would happen then. The fact that I'm finding this surgery will probably only lead to more and more surgeries. This is a mess and I'm so sick. I was up 2 hours last night crying, partly from the horrible pain I have and partly because my husband laid there snoring and not noticing.

    I have to question all the time, if he is on something. Last week Thursday, when I was in the ER, he parked the car and took some meds from my purse. He said that if he EVER took ANOTHER PILL from me again, he would leave voluntarily, himself. He is now saying that he said he wouldn't fight me, is what he said, but he's lying.

    On Friday night, after I got home from the hospital, he was walking around the house and completely out of it. He was picking up things and looking at them, dropping them, almost falling over and couldn't communicate. His parents came here and so did my parents and off to ER we went with him. He remembers nothing. They took his pee and said there was PCP in his urine and he was admitted. I went home to sleep finally at 4AM. The next day, I spoke to him and he recalled nothing but said he has never taken PCP. The psychiatrist came in and looked at his prescription meds that were just increased (zoloft and amitryptiline) and said that the combination of those can be deadly and a regular doctor shouldn't be prescribing those meds. I guess the combo of them can cause a false positive of PCP.

    My point I guess is many fold, I don't know what to do, since I have a home and kid and need more surgery and am sick. Then I have this ding a ling who can't stay away from drugs and at work, and went AGAIN to a urgent care last week. He also went to the dentist and got Vicodin (8 total), last week.

    He is so stupid. I almost kicked him out on Monday and he begged me for another chance. Then by Tuesday, he was OFFERING to leave and I was like, "why, what do you have that you want to do? You just begged me yesterday to not make you leave??" Very suspicious. I don't have the energy to think about this all and he is capitalizing on this. He's an a-hole.

    I'm so confused.

    W

  10. #10
    vduda is offline Member
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    Mk,

    Look I am going to be frank with you. It is clear that your husband has a serious problem with addiction and possibly a mental condition. If I were you I would get away from him with your child as quickly as possible. Like you I don't believe in divorce, but you need to separate from this man if you want to save your marriage. You are definitely enabling his drug addiction. God knows your heart and will you give the strength to get through this horrible episode in your life. You know in your heart what you need to do. If you do not lower the stress in your life your going to die. These surgeries you speak of is going to require you to be strong physically and mentally. But you sound like your a mess. How do you expect to recover in this atmosphere. Ask God to give you guidance so you can get away from this cruel life. It seems that your heart has grown cold for your husband. After a twenty year marriage my wife divorced me after her heart grew cold. She is also bipolar and very abusive. Even though I was on opiates I worked 70 hours a week and was a pillar in my community. In other words, I was a functioning addict. Until my wife divorced me I was playing soccer, writing, in a band and spent so much time with my daughter. Even coached the soccer team she was on. When my ex left my world spun out of control, but I know I have gone through the fire and I am much better without her and my daughter doesn't have to be subject to all the dysfunction between us. It took a lot of work and I am still working on it, but I am finding my center in God again. I have a wonderful girlfriend who really understands me and supports me and gives me strength. We both make God the center of our lives. Read the scriptures together and attend a cool hippie church in our community. We are not your everyday cooky cutter type Christians. But we are dedicated to Jesus Christ and try to walk in his footsteps, not to say we don't screw up. She was addicted to Meth for a year and God delivered her from that life. Now she has made a decision not to drink anymore because she feels that she may have a problem with alcohol. Since we have been together she has grown so much and so have I. Remember, love does not hurt. Rather it is patient and kind. I guess we were both headed for destruction, but what God puts together let no man pull asunder. We are evenly yoked. Love is what we share...and God is Love. I never thought I would be happy again, but my life is coming together again. Sometimes I still struggle with my addiction, but tomorrow it will be 8 months since I have been off the opiates.

    Act on faith and God will give you what you need. But you have to take the first step. If what you say about your husband is true, you need to save yourself and your kids. Get away from him until he gets help. This may be the opportunity to save his life. Be strong...you know what you need to do. God Bless

    VJ

  11. #11
    vduda is offline Member
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    Dian,

    I know you have been hurt, but you need to deal with your anger. It is great that you freed yourself from a dysfunctional relationship, but your anger consumes you. I was very angry with my ex-wife and God showed me that you need to forgive and move on with your life. This anger will never allow you to be in a functional relationship. In other words, if your always looking backwards, you'll fall in many holes. Forgive him and move on. Bless those who persecute you. Do not return evil for evil. I am not judging you, but actually relating to your situation. I was angry, but now I have given it all over to God and have found rest for my soul. God Bless

    VJ

  12. #12
    ymccormack is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by vduda View Post
    Dian,

    I know you have been hurt, but you need to deal with your anger. It is great that you freed yourself from a dysfunctional relationship, but your anger consumes you. I was very angry with my ex-wife and God showed me that you need to forgive and move on with your life. This anger will never allow you to be in a functional relationship. In other words, if your always looking backwards, you'll fall in many holes. Forgive him and move on. Bless those who persecute you. Do not return evil for evil. I am not judging you, but actually relating to your situation. I was angry, but now I have given it all over to God and have found rest for my soul. God Bless

    VJ
    VJ:

    I don't think Di's post was angry at all. I'm beginning to see a pattern in your posts though....

    YM

  13. #13
    ymccormack is offline Member
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    MKWendy:

    I understand your predicament....you are very, very sick and worried how you will cope without your husband, right?

    But look....you are coping without your husband already. Not to mention you are also coping with all the extra problems and stress he brings along.

    Can your parents or his parents help you? I can't begin to imagine how scared you must be. You need to build a support system to help you through this.

    Email me any time.

    Ymccormack@alamedanet.net

  14. #14
    vduda is offline Member
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    YMC,

    Again, you continue to harass me. I know this is "entertainment" for you. But this forum is important to me. Leave me alone and target someone else for your attacks. Personally, I could care less what you think. You should seek help, since your so fixated on me and other men. You have serious issues. I tried to make peace with you, but your unapproachable. Just keep telling wives and women to leave their husbands, fiances, and boyfriends. You have a one track mind. Your comments are insulting and cruel. Please do not write to or about me anymore. I think you have a pattern...man hater.

    VJ

  15. #15
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default husband taking my meds-I'm post surgery

    Well, I want to update on the many things GOD has been doing in MY life. It's truly amazing.

    I first had surgery on 4-10 and declined the colon removal part, at the last minute. I did end up with an emergent bypass, because I guess the artery fell apart unexpectedly and they applied pressure until the vascular surgeon scrubbed in. It was a long surgery and I awoke in ICU. I was in the hospital 10 days.

    As I anticipated, I came home a mess and on TPN feedings, via a picc line. The ONLY person close to me, to do this and understand the pump, etc, was my husband. It's been 6 weeks yesterday since surgery, and I am 100% back to normal, regarding surgery. I ended up getting pneumonia a few weeks back but my strength is back. Regarding these crazy pain attacks I get....the surgery didn't help that sadly. I still deal with every few days, attacks that I lose count of at 10-14 or so. This means, I still have prescription meds.

    Let's get on to that subject. I got home on a Sunday and the next night, was on the toilet extremely ill. During these few minutes, I heard my pill bottle rattle and my husband took advantage of the moment and took meds. I can't even remember the incidences that followed that, until 2 weeks ago when he found the key that I now wear on my body, on the table. He took it in those few moments and opened my lock box and got 10 Vicodin and 4 Oxycodone. Now yesterday, he got 2 Vicodin from my purse and when I went to take one, I was out and about and there was none and I was totally screwed. The hardest part, he was at a drug counselors office when I discovered this, getting his treatment plan!

    My exciting news is I did something for ME. I got the book "codependent no more" and had my own "awakening" just 2 weeks ago. I realized I am being totally codependent and in that, angry and reacting to anything and everything. Not that I'm saying this doesn't deserve action, but I was losing my shirt and losing my temper. Once I started to control this (it was ALL God-hadn't bought the book yet and read on the subject), I realized there was peace in holding back my emotions and praying and finding peace. I bought the book on Saturday and have been devouring it since.

    I see myself in what they describe but I'm not told my reacting and anger is all wrong, it's actually sometimes okay to be angry and "yes it's okay to be angry with the 'sick person'..." This is something my husbands family has ridiculed me on over and over and in essence told me that "it's your fault". Here's a good example...Yesterday, he had this appointment. He cannot drive because 3 weeks ago, he had a Grand Mal Seizure. Not sure if this is related to the drug use or the poisoning he had or something else.

    He cannot drive and shouldn't drive. When he went to the drug counselor yesterday, he drove about 1/4 mile. I had dinner with my sister and since we didn't know how long his appt would be, he took the car down the road and came back to get me. It's not been reported by him yet, that he had a seizure and it's not "illegal" for him to drive (at this point because it's not been reported) but he shouldn't be driving, in good faith knowing that he had a seizure and it has been documented that they said he had a seizure. It's up to him to report this and get his license suspended but it's recommended he not drive. In my state, the docs don't report it but you are supposed to. IF he gets in an accident and hadn't reported it, he can and would be help responsible. Now, of course, he shouldn't be driving at all and I'm not trying to defend his driving to that appointment but setting the stage for what I heard.

    When his parents found out that he took my meds, they talked to him. His father called me and said, "You shouldn't have allowed him to drive illegally. Had you not allowed him to drive, then you wouldn't have been stuck and without your meds." This is verbatim. I said, "what's that got to do with the fact he took my meds....my last meds, leaving me none!?"

    He's an adult and if he's going to drive, I'm not going to be able to stop him and indeed, had he not driven I could have gone home to get more but in rush hour anyway....I would have had to sit in the car and had an attack, while waiting in traffic.

    My point is this, I know I can't change their minds and wish there was a magic wand to make them see the light. We've (my dad, myself and my father in law and then mother in law came with yesterday) been going to Narcotics Anonymous and my husband went last night for the first time. I was told last week, by recovering drug addicts, that his parents are enabling him and I need to be tougher. I needed to hear what they said (direct from an addicts mouth-very, very powerful) and I went back again to see these people. I love this group, even though it's meant for him, I see similarities that I don't think I would see normally, because I'm so close to him.

    The newest twist now is that he decided to quit his job. A blessing because he isn't driving (well, he has that one time yesterday and one other I was unaware of) and his long haul to work, meant a doubling in gas because of his need for rides. So he's working from home and the fact we don't have dental now and no 401k, means the small increase in pay will be a wash. But, no gas and no need for rides. The flip side, he'll be home ALL DAY and I have to deal with "it" being in my face all the time. The other thing, he now cannot get into treatment without losing his job (60 day probation and of course, no FMLA to back him up). People say, "well it's necessary and you can't think of him losing his job"...it gets more complicated because of my surgeries....I can ONLY eat when I take enzymes, to digest my food. These enzymes are $4/pill and I have to take 8 with meals and 4 with snacks. This comes out to $4k per month. No enzymes means no eating OR eating with malabsorption and massive issues.

    I shared the latter with the group members last week (at NA), and expected to hear more "you can't worry about that" but they were very compassionate. At face value, I think I'd tell someone that too but when you're living it and need pills to eat and digest food and have continuing health problems, it's easier said than done. This new job also will require him to have a PC and internet connection. It almost would seem he backed me more into a corner, to make it so he has to stay here. I don't think that's the case but it is very convenient that I now am worried about his J.O.B. even more than before.

    I believe I am at a very, very good place though because I'm working on me. I'm understanding my codependent tendencies and recognizing the anger I've carried with me and also understanding that I'm not a bad person for having the anger, and I've been believing lies I've been told about how it's my fault. But also realizing, the best thing I can do is to step back, during a crisis like yesterday, and pray. My relationship with God has deepened as well and I'm more focused on my relationship with Christ, than ever before.

    What will I do then? Well, I'm waiting for that answer. He's "in" treatment and I'm not sure if it's more manipulation on his part or if it's real, or both. I think he wants help and wants to change but old habits are going to die hard. Could he do this better being gone? I don't know that either but I will have meds around here, until they figure out my stuff. I don't want to live my life wearing a key or counting my meds either but have to realize that he'll always be an addict and although he can be "clean and sober", he's got a "disease" that will follow him his whole life. So I'm still searching but with a peaceful heart (not all the time but working on this), trying to find what God wants me to do. I'm realizing more and more, I cannot make these decisions on my own as I've been trying to.

    I'm sure I'll know soon enough, if he's actually trying to change or going through the motions. If he's bluffing, I'll have no choice but to separate and at the very least, right now, I'm really trying to change myself.

    I'll read all the reply's and thank you for all the posts up to this point.

    W
    Last edited by mkwendy1; 05-23-2008 at 09:48 AM. Reason: misspelling

  16. #16
    matt4848 is offline Member
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    Default Mk, about your husband.

    Im sorry to hear about your husband, but I can tell you from personal experience Oxycotin, will turn you into a thief no matter who you are.

    Alteast it did me. I have stolen from my mothers purse, my grandmothers vocodin bottle, anywhere I could possibly get it.

    Its not him. Its the drugs. I know that sounds like a cop out, but for me I could not control myself. I know everyone has control of their actions but something in that drug (especailly when you dont have it) it will make you do ANYTHING to get a hold of it.

    He needs serious help. I have personally been (and still am) addicted to oxy's. I have had very good friends that are and have been addicted, and it changes your brain extremely. Its all you care about all you want and the only fun or relaxation you get from life once your addicted.

    Hide your meds wherever possible. I dont mean to judge, but you cant trust him, or more importantly you cant trust who the drugs have made him become.

    Just personal experience.

    Matt withdrawing in washington.

  17. #17
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default husband taking my meds

    Well, another update from me....I kicked my husband out of the house 2 weeks ago. I found out that he was using WIRES to get into my med box. I resorted to wearing the key on my bra and putting the pills (I still need because I'm still very sick and having attacks....probably will need the colon removed like they thought :-(

    I told him he can no longer search my purse for meds, as I am putting them on my body. He got desperate that very night, and used wires to get in the box and was successful on his first try.

    I booted him out and he finally went to NA meetings and goes to 4 per week and stays with his enabling (but going to meetings with him) parents. I say enabling, because I'm STILL hearing how I did "wrong" in kicking him out.

    Today was interesting, as I was told that it's being questioned why I've stopped attending meetings. The reason is that last week, I had a large church garage sale at my home and this week, I was preoccupied with my best friends, mom's funeral. I took my friend to the mortuary to plan the funeral, we did her mom's makeup, etc. It was a Sunday (when she died) to Friday thing. I'm now getting another cold because my immune system is down.

    Nonetheless, I can honestly say I've been very, very calm during this whole thing but hearing him tell me to go to a meeting (which I started in the first place), was very irritating.

    He is changing and it's noticeable. He's eating a lot, gaining weight, reading the Bible, attending groups, showering daily (he showered every 5-7 days before) and all around more involved. His acne is clearing up too. I can tell this is working but it's going to be VERY hard to get beyond the fact, that everything always seem to point back to me. The finger is always pointed at what I'm doing or not doing.

    I've read the entire "Codependent no more" book, read books on addiction, talked to addicts from NA meetings and done what I think is a good job, learning about the disease. I told him it's his turn, to not only learn about how addicts think and to recognize how he/they think, but to learn how his actions affect the loved ones. He said he is, by going to meetings, but I think I'll really be convinced there's a change, when he can stop the finger pointing. I don't know if I'll ever get a "sorry" from his parents, but maybe I will someday.

    For now, I'm a single mom, taking care of the house and bills and trying to get well. I'm going to Mayo in the next month or so, to figure out my health issues.
    W

  18. #18
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Default Wendy

    I haven't replied before to your thread but I have read it and keep up with your posts. I sincerely hope that your health continues to improve. I wish you the best when you go to the Mayo Clinic. Just wanted to suggest to you to continue to look out for yourself and your children. Your husband's and your in-laws' attitudes are beyond what you are able to effectively change. You have little or no effect on what they do or think. Do yourself and your children a favor and focus on what you can affect positively.

    When addicts get cornered like your husband is now he will do or say what he has to in order to make you think he is turning his life around. I hope that he is turning it around, but force him to get some time under his belt. Insist that he do more than just clean up his acne and gain some weight. Don't shut him out, but don't fall victim to him again. You really need to take care of yourself. You only have one life. Allow yourself time to get better. Then you can deal with your husband. He isn't going anywhere. Please don't allow him to hold you down while stealing meds and acting stupid. Just take care of you for a change. Please keep us posted how you are doing. Good luck and God bless.

  19. #19
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default husband who took meds still gone

    Well, I'm still deep into whatever books I can get my hands on, regarding addiction and how it affects marriage, etc. I am learning more about myself than ever and of course, still dealing with medical issues myself. I have not gone to Mayo yet and they're hopefully going to get in touch with me soon.

    My husband has been gone now, going on 4 weeks. I am attending Alanon meetings and he is attending 4 meetings a week (AA, NA, CA, etc).

    I have been very saddened lately and turning it all over to God, as he has now been telling me that I have provided a "bad environment" for him. Now to give a little defense on HIS behalf, I have totally reacted and overreacted to situations. I have been the Queen enabler and took on the mommy role. I've just now realized how much I set this all up for failure. I bought him a car for a wedding gift, paid off his taxes, child support and did this all in the first few months of marrying him. I also sent him to school.

    He is now earning the most EVER (was a janitor with back taxes owed when I met him) and has the nicer car of the two of us. I am still driving the same one for 11 years. His health is great now (compared to mine) and life is "good" for him because (his words), "I'm 27 days sober and I'm finding the 'me' that I knew was there. You've created a bad atmosphere for me and I'm not going backwards and to put it bluntly, things change or I don't come home".

    Now, I am saying that I'm defending his stance, because I don't want it to be looked at that he is the addict and made all the problems in our marriage. To say this is put dishonesty because I did marry a pot head, then drinker and pill thief, but I didn't have to react. It took me until 2 months ago, to realize that not reacting was healthy for me and him. But it took that long and although I came to that realization and changed things and then he got into these groups, I'm now shouldering it all.

    We are believers that you divorce ONLY in light of infidelity. I made him leave, because he wasn't going to seek help but I would not have filed for divorce, unless it became abundantly clear that he was choosing drugs over his family. That would have been hard but a necessary decision to hopefully force him to get help, in light of divorce papers. To think he's cured after 27 days is premature, but I think he believes he's arrived.

    I also think he can only focus on the arguments we had and nothing else. I enabled him and he feels he's finally growing up and maybe he wants his independence now. But I feel used up and spit out. I'm in a place where I'm ill, financially in rough shape and broken. He's found sobriety and has a new job and is being downright cold and mean.

    He says he loves me but I must change what our homelife is like. I know I cannot control this but can control my life and I am doing that. I won't fight with him and I told him I'll be praying about what he wrote to me and know that we can get through this.

    I just don't know if I should be buying into this or if I should really feel anything? I look at it that any communication issues or styles and bad habits we each have picked up, in how we relate to each other, can be fixed in marital counseling. My gut is telling me however, that he shouldn't be looking for my flaws right now, if he's working on recovery and to do so may be harmful to what he's doing. Maybe I'm not looking at this right but I'm handling this whole thing with the utmost care. I'm not looking to have our marriage end but I've been told by other recovered addicts, that if he stays in this very position, I won't be able to live with him. I've always thought that either you recover or not and never considered that you can be sober but stuck in a blame game.

    I'll keep on posting. Any insight is helpful.

    Wendy

  20. #20
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Default Wendy

    I am hesitant to comment on some of your post as these are issues that you have to work out between you and your husband and God. I would not get involved in any way in those matters. I can comment on a few things about recovery. I've been involved in 12 Step recovery for a long time. There are a couple of things I would suggest that you think about.

    One of the most volatile of all people is someone with a month clean. They are to be praised for staying clean, but they often think they have the world by the tail. When we first go to NA meetings, or AA, or whatever, it's suggested that we attend 90 meetings in 90 days. They don't say to attend 30 days of meetings and then you are well. LOL He is living in the "pink cloud" as they call it. If you really want to make your marriage work he has to be clean. That is a given. I would give him the space to do his meetings, get more clean time and you worry about your inventory. What have you done that can be changed for the positive? But remember that not everything you have done was probably wrong even if he suggests that it was. Don't allow him to set all new rules suddenly and expect you to bow down, unless you want to live your life that way forever. He is still acting like an addict, wanting everything his way, he just isn't using. So to answer one of your questions, lots of people are clean, but are not really living life according to spiritual principles of recovery. Addiction is just a longterm result of our behaviors and thought process. Those things have to change as well as the addictive behaviors or all you have is a clean addict. They can be almost as bad as a using addict.

    You guys have a long road ahead. Everything has been based around a drug induced existance since day one. That is a big negative. Nothing will be determined by what happens after 30 days. It will take years to work through all this. Good luck.

  21. #21
    greenday is offline Member
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    Sorry to be so blunt, but he's just counting down the minutes till you take him back with HIS rules so he can get to the pills again. 30 days is way too soon to be stable enough to demand anything. I don't care how many meetings he attends, he is thinking non stop about pills. It's only natural. The fact that he is insisting on making all the rules in the house just shows he is not ready to admit he did anything wrong. I think he is still in denial and as long as he is, he is not dealing with his problem. Blaming YOU for his addiction is just nuts. "things change or I don't come home"??? Darn right, but only from your perspective. Again, sorry to be so blunt.

  22. #22
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Default my husband....

    Hi Robert, I was hoping you would respond.
    I respect your not wanting to get too involved and am grateful for replying. I am pretty vulnerable myself, recently discovering I'm a codependent and all, so I'm willing to also take the full responsibility of this situation too and I know this isn't right.

    I've heard from others, that unless I'm willing to live like he's asking, I should "maintain some control" and I'm not wanting to control anything anymore. I'm unclear where I draw the line and how I even respond to his recent "demands" of what HE wants our home life to be like.

    I don't even know what to expect of a husband anymore, much less what to expect of myself. I am starting counseling next week, to be able to see straight. I think I may do a search on "pink cloud" because some of the other recovered addicts I have talked to, refer to him being in that.

    All I know is, my heart is literally hurting for this situation. It's hard to have relationship problems and then to get an email where he is saying "this isn't a debate but there needs to be a change at home or else..." Anyway, thanks again.

    Wendy

  23. #23
    T.L.R. is offline New Member
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    Your husband is an addict and you cant take it personally, he has a habit forming personality. Having him arrested would not help situation since he would not be sentenced long enough to have an impact. He needs help, detox, but when he comes home I hardly beleive he could stay clean with your meds around as a reminder. He should be on methadone, Then he will get his medication perscribed, monitored and when or if you get off yours , he can then start weening off methadone. But he sounds like he is bringing you down in every way do you even love him or is the only reason you stay with him for the medical insurance.? When you are in the hospital, you should consider better child care your little guy deserves it.

  24. #24
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by mkwendy1 View Post
    Hi Robert, I was hoping you would respond.
    I respect your not wanting to get too involved and am grateful for replying. I am pretty vulnerable myself, recently discovering I'm a codependent and all, so I'm willing to also take the full responsibility of this situation too and I know this isn't right.

    I've heard from others, that unless I'm willing to live like he's asking, I should "maintain some control" and I'm not wanting to control anything anymore. I'm unclear where I draw the line and how I even respond to his recent "demands" of what HE wants our home life to be like.

    I don't even know what to expect of a husband anymore, much less what to expect of myself. I am starting counseling next week, to be able to see straight. I think I may do a search on "pink cloud" because some of the other recovered addicts I have talked to, refer to him being in that.

    All I know is, my heart is literally hurting for this situation. It's hard to have relationship problems and then to get an email where he is saying "this isn't a debate but there needs to be a change at home or else..." Anyway, thanks again.

    Wendy

    There is nothing wrong with owning your part in anything that's yours but I wouldn't own others trash unless it was really worth it. There is lots for you to work through. It's good that you are seeing a counselor next week. Professionals certainly have their place. Good luck. Greenday is probably right in that 30 days clean is way too soon to be casting orders at least all of the orders. I would be cautious.

  25. #25
    mkwendy1 is offline New Member
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    Greenday:
    Thanks for your reply and you use all the bluntness you want. I'm pretty directionless and will fall for anything, even taking all the blame right now. That's why I'm in Alanon but find that it's really helpful to talk to people who may have been there literally OR have gone through the whole process already. Even my family is too close to give any helpful advice as they are affected emotionally.

    I will take all the advice I can get. I am even willing to talk to anyone on the phone because I am hungry for information on this and have about 10 books to prove that! I'd take any suggestions for books I can read too.

    T.L.R.: He won't be taking care of my son if I have anymore surgeries, I've learned that one for sure! I do love him very much but am wondering who I love and what I love since I married an addict. I wonder if I fell in love with someone who I could try and fix (we were high school sweethearts and he wasn't an addict then so I think I was marrying the person I 'thought' I knew but he had changed 10 years later).

    I do know love is at times, a choice, and although I don't choose to stay to suffer, I owe it to stay to see if his recovery works and if he is willing to honestly work through his issues. I mean, I do have my own too and this whole mommy and me needing someone to baby thing hit me between the eyes today. IF he can get through this, I think we will have a good thing but God only knows if we'll make it to that point.

    Thanks so much. W
    Last edited by mkwendy1; 06-20-2008 at 08:40 PM. Reason: added on

  26. #26
    greenday is offline Member
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    Hey Wendy!
    If I were you I would keep a small journal of your struggles during this time of your life. Each day write how you are feeling. The ups and downs, the good and bad. When I am having a problem that I can't solve, I find if I write down what I am feeling it helps. Over time, I go back and read what I have written. It shows a clear solution in the end. If your journal reflects more pain than happiness over the next months, well then I think you will find your answer. If your journal reflects true progress in your relationship, then THAT is your answer.

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