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Husband is a drug addict
Husband is a drug addict
I can't believe I'm going to post this, but I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. I'm a 24 year old mother to 3 little girls who 5 years old and under. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and my husband has been addicted to drugs for about 4 year of thoes 6 years. I know he did drugs before we started dating, but he told me he quit when we got together. He currently does any drug he can get his hands on....pot, coke, tripe C's, alcohol, shrooms, RX's....seriously....anything. About a year ago my husband had a horrible problem with coke. He did it everyday all day. He ended up going through over $6000 in 2 months. It almost destroyed our marriage. Because of my husbands job we ended up moving overseas to Italy and I thought he was finally finished with drugs. He was away from the dealers and his "friends" I also threatened to leave him while we were back in the states and it seemed to straighten him up. Well slowly while we have been here he has started using again.....first it was just getting drunk every weekend, then he started taking pain killers and muscle relaxers, then he started smoking pot again and doing triple C's....Last night I found out that hes been doing cocaine and adderall again. He says he can handle it this time and it wont get out of control like it did last time, but just the fact that hes doing it again tells me he's not in control. I told him he's a drug addict and needs to get help for his problem and he told me that I'm the only one who has a problem with it. He then told me that the only reason he does drugs is because of me. He said that he decided to start doing drugs again when I started smoking cigarettes again. When he started using again I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child and hadn't even thought of having a cig since finding out I was prego. He also said that he does the drugs for me...he said that when hes high he is more thoughtful and caring, which he does seem to be, but once he comes down from that high he doesn't remember anything he said, did, or promised, and hes just a total jerk again. I love my husband....I know he loves me and his children very much. I just don't know what to do. He wont go get help because he doesn't think he has a problem, I cant force him to get help, I thought about getting separated but even that is not a realistic solution at the moment. Our 3rd daughter was born in Italy and we are still waiting on her >>>>>>>> to come in. The only way I would be able to separate from my husband would be to move back to the US with our children but I cant since our youngest doesn't have a >>>>>>>> yet. Even if I did have my youngest daughters >>>>>>>>, I don't have the money to pay for the plane tickets, I don't have anywhere to live, I don't have a job, I don't have the proper education to get a job that can care for 3 children....It feels like I'm in between a rock and a hard spot. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Last edited by mommy3girls85; 12-09-2009 at 05:03 AM.
What a mess. I am so sorry. We addicts make our loved ones more miserable than we do oursevles.
Please remember that we addicts are LIARS, THIEVES, and MANIPULATORS. Don't take any of his accusations about this being "your fault" or "doing this for you" as having any iota of truth. He uses because he is an addict. Bottom line. Until HE wants to quit, he will continue to lie, steal, whatever in order to find his next fix. Also, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get him to clean up. He won't change his behavior until he hits bottom - maybe he would hit bottom if you left, if he ODs, if he gets arrested - who knows? Everyone has a different motivating factor.
Take care of you and your kids. I realize you seem to be stuck in Italy for a bit but maybe you can plead your case to the US embassy to rush the >>>>>>>>? If he has money to spend on drugs - can you get to it to buy tickets? Goodness knows he is spending it on nothing worthwhile. I know there are no easy answers (there never are when dealing with addiction).
Again, I am so sorry he has put you in this position. Vent here on this forum all you want - we will listen.
just a mom
PS - what are triple Cs? I have no idea...
triple c's = coricidin cough and cold. Its a cold medicine with DXM in it. He usually takes about 60 of them when he's looking for a cheap high. I love my husband so much....he really is my soul mate. I just wish he could see how much this hurts me. I talked to my mother-in-law today and let her know what is going on and she said that I am welcome at her house and she supports any decision I make even if that means leaving her son. She said she would help me get a job and a place to live...whatever I need. I never thought I would ever be having to make these kind of decisions. The thought of being a single mother scares the poop out of me but I cant see how it could be any worse than living with a drug addict. The past 4 years just seem like a really bad dream but I cant wake up.
I'm a stay at home mother so I don't have any of my "own" money. All the credit cards and everything are in my name though. Plus I can get really cheap plane tickets. It will probably cost about $300 one way for me and my 3 children to fly back to the states. Even if I didn't have credit cards I would be able to find some cash somewhere to get to the states. Hopefully my youngest daughters >>>>>>>> will be in by mid-January which is also when my college finals are. I'm hoping he can see that he does in fact have a problem and will get help before then. I really don't want to leave my husband. I understand that in order to show him that I might need to cut ties with him and let him fall though. You're right...he wont change until things hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I don't know what rock bottom is for him. I don't want death to be his rock bottom.
Last edited by mommy3girls85; 12-09-2009 at 10:10 AM.
OK, first - if you are a stay at home mome then you ARE working and that money IS yours too. I spent the first 4 years of my kids' life working at a high-stress-high-paying job and now I am home. I think being at home with kids full-time is HARD. Enough soapbox...
So glad to hear you have somewhere to go in the States. I can't imagine being in your shoes right now. But, I do know that right now your husband is being led by his addictions - not by his love for you or the kids. There is someone here on the forum who constrantly reminds family members that "for an active addict - when it comes down to drug vs. love - drug will win every time". Heartbreaking but true. You HAVE to put yourself and kids first - do whatever is best for you/them. We addicts can really only help ourselves at the beginning - until we decide to get clean there is nothing you can do. Remember to that you have to look at his ACTIONS, not his words. You can't trust a thing coming out of an active users mouth - we LIE when in the middle of addiction. He may promise many things - but until you see real change don't believe anything. The man you love is in there, but addiction will control him until he decides to fight back.
Please hang in there.
just a mom
First of all, welcome to the forum.
You situation is very tough. I am the addict husband, just limited to opiates and beer. Regardless, I have caused my wife and children undo stress, and spent family money I shouln't have. My wife is a stay-at-home mom also. That is absolutetly the TOUGHEST job in the world. I commend and respect you. "My" money is OUR money!
Now, hubby's addiction: You are NOT to blame. As addicts, we like to make excuses for all of our "problems". You seem loving and supportive - that is NOT a problem. Your smoking is an excuse that he is using that, to me, is BS.
Until HE admits he has an issue, things will not change - sorry - . An addict needs to come to realize they have an issue - that is half the battle to win on the road to recovery.
I have no words of wisdom for you - just a story of hope. As an addicted husband, I came to see the error of my ways, and I am fighting like mad to face my addiction head on. So, he may come around. He needs to do it for himself - the rest will fall in place w/ recovery. For me, I love my wife, children, family and friends, God, and life so much right now - I am willing to go to any lengths to keep them and to make sure our life is as drama-free as possible.
Post as often as you need - I will keep you and all on this forum in my prayers.
Please listen to Just a mom, I couldn't agree more. When he said that he does the drugs for you..he said that when he's high he is more thoughtful and caring. that is an excuse if I ever heard one! He's in denial, He's saying these things so you will stay and support him. You can't make anyone stop, they have to want to stop on there own. If you read all the posts, everyone is wanting to stop for themselves, their family, their lives. no one is saying I don't want to stop but I will cause my wife or husband asked me to. I think ( just my opinion ) if someone does stop for the wrong reasons there is a greater chance of relapse. Think very carefully about your life and how you want to live it. Think of your kids, think about what they are seeing and what they will see as an acceptable lifestyle. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. No one judges here so speak your mind. We are all here for you and many have been where your husband currently is.
talked to my hubby
So my husband is actually out of town right now but yesterday he called and was like why don't you pack up the girls and drive the almost 2 hour drive to come see me.....so I did. I though it would be a good chance to talk to him. I got to where he is and we spent some time together...it was nice...I kinda chickened out of talking to him until right before we left to come back home. Apparently he noticed that I hadn't kissed him at all since I had been there and asked why i was mad.....So I told him I wasn't made....I was sad and really hurting. I told him that every time he uses he kills a little part of my and destroys our family....yadda yadda yaddda. He ended up getting really mad at me and telling me that he loves me for who I am and he doesn't want to change me but i always want to change who he is. He said he likes doing drugs and and he didn't understand why I would want to keep him from doing something he enjoys. By the end of the night he said he would stop using if that would make me happy again and I said it would and that I wanted him to take random drug test whenever I felt like giving them and he asked if i didn't trust him and I told him that i don't trust him because he's an addict. He said if i really loved him that I would trust him just because he's my husband. I told him that he lied and hid so many things recently about his drug use that I have no reason to believe or trust him. He said he refuses to submit to random drug test. He also told me that I could leave and take the kids with me because it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. To me rock bottom would be losing my husband and children. It just makes me wonder...what is his rock bottom. He also told me that drugs are everywhere they are just a part of normal society and I just needed to get used to it. He pointed out my smoking habit and my addiction to caffeine (I drink like 3 cans of coke a day and pretty much need it to function.....I cant handle the caffeine withdraw). I feel like im just rambeling on here but no one else really knows the extent of what is going on and even if they did I doubt they would have any advice since none of them have or are going through this type of situation. Right now I feel more confused than ever before. I know he wont really quit or get help until he realizes he has a problem but I feel like if I leave I'm just saying i give up on you and I don't want to give up on him. I will fight to the end of the world and back for my husband and family.
Ah, I am so sorry your visit with him went so poorly. I am proud of you for sticking to your guns about not trusting his words only actions. Keep remembering the mantra that we addicts are LIARS when trying to maintain our addiction.
Your last sentence of your post struck me - how you would fight for your husband and family. Unfortunately, those two things will end up at odds. You will have to ask yourself if what is good for HIM is what is good for you/your girls. For him, having you stay is a win-win situation - he has you, his girls and his addiction. He will (and obviously did) say anything he could think of to keep that status quo. [No matter what he says - no addict has ever gotten & stayed clean by doing it for someone else - we can only get clean for ourselves.] For you, you have to make a choice - it is worth staying to keep your family together along with his addiction? or do you leave and keep your girls away from that influence but leave your husband to find rock bottom on his own? No one should have to make that choice - it is unfair, cruel and mean. But, he won't quit using - your choice is to stay with the addiction or leave.
As an addict (who is clean now), I am so sorry. Once we get clean, almost all of us feel complete and utter remorse for the misery we inflict on our loved ones. But when we are actively using, the addiction controls us totally - all of our decisions are based around the priority of getting/staying high to the determinent of everything we should be holding dear. You don't deserve this, your girls don't deserve this. I'm sorry.
Keep posting and venting - I'm happy to listen any time.
just a mom
PS That bit your husband dug out about your "addiction" to caffeine cracked me up! OMG. He was really at the bottom of the B. S. bucket for that one. Man, I told you we addicts will say ANYTHING. I'm sure it wasn't funny during your conversation - and I don't mean to be insensitive - but comparing illegal drugs to soda? Wow. He has some cajones.
First I want to say, reread everything Just a mom has written. Mom, you are so smart and your advice is so good.... Everytime I had a thought, you'd written it already. Mommy, all I can add is that your husband is not unusual at all. In fact, he is CLASSIC. A classic addict, and a more classic manipulator. Like every other addict, he is full of it... "It's your fault" "If you loved me..." "I do it because of you" "I do it FOR you". blah blah blah. I've BEEN the addict with the lies. An addict is BRILLIANT when it comes to making it easier for them to continue to use drugs. They say if an addict used 1/2 the energy he uses to maintain his addiction in positive pursuits, they could solve world problems. Yes, he loves you. But he loves his drugs first right now. Yes, drugs are all over the place nowadays like he says, but that doesn't mean everyone uses. Do you? What about the money he spends on drugs? Couldnt they be better used on you and your kids? And if he can't be thoughtful and caring towards you without the drugs, I would tell him THAT in itself is a problem. Everything he says is part of a master manipulation which you don't have to fall for. I don't know what his rock bottom is, but perhaps you and the kids leaving him will jumpstart him. He knows you're afraid. He knows he can con you. Maybe you should "surprise" him and go. I know its not easy but you have to do what is ultimately going to be best for you and even more so, for those kids.
I am so sorry for your situation. I live it with my daughter, she also uses the you smoke cigs so I can do drugs. First, do you steal for cigs and soda? Would you put your children lives at risk to have a cig? I am sure the answers are no. Accept the help from your mom-n-law. Be careful with the drugs in your home, especially in another country. Their laws are different from ours. Please listen carefully - do not ever let him take your children anywhere without you. This is very important. Addicts will do anything for a fix, I mean anything! My daughter was sold for >>>>>> by her cousin. Don't want to frighten you but please take care of your daughters. It is something the wouldn't even enter your mind, I am sure but take my advise. Rant on this forum, get your feelings out. You are not alone. Personally don't know where I would be now if not for this forum, we are here for you!
By the way, I stayed home for 14 yrs with my kids, going to work is a whole lot easier!
Good luck and God bless you and your family.
I can't say much more than has already been so well said here already, Mommy - but I wanted to pass on my prayers and hope to you. I'm a recovering addict as well, and I feel for you, trying to make any kind of sense out of life with an active addict. That's got to be absolutely horrific. Life as an active addict is also hell, but at least the addict can take the drugs to 'numb' those feelings away; the loved ones around us are stuck with the nightmare that the addict has created, and all the feelings that go with that.
My thoughts, after many, many years of working with folks in recovery? That situation isn't going to improve on its own. You are fighting an impossible battle, if you think you can talk 'reason' to an active addict. We are among the most manipulative, creative, defensive human beings you'll ever find - when we're active! We will twist any situation into another excuse to use -- and we will blame anyone else but ourselves for it. It's not that we're "bad" people, it's that the disease of addiction is THAT powerful - we no longer have the choice over what we do. We NEED to feed that monster, and will bulldoze over anyone in our path that tries to interfere with our drug use.
As has been suggested here already, do not believe his words - believe his actions. He has repeatedly demonstrated how drugs have become his highest priority, even if he tries to say otherwise. Yes, he loves you and his children - but he can't even think straight, when the drugs have got him in their grip. He has lost his choices right now; addiction is ruling him.
The best way for any addict to reach their "bottom" and hopefully, get help - is to allow that addict to FEEL THE FULL CONSEQUENCES of their addiction. What do I mean? As addicts, we need people around us to 'enable' us to continue to use - people who will take care of our responsibilities, who will make excuses for us, who will try to 'fix' the situations that we create. When those 'enablers' back off and hold firm ("tough love"), we then feel the full impact of what we've been doing. Your threats (to leave) are not enough. You need to back up those threats with ACTION for him to see and feel it.
Your children, young as they are, are caught in the midst of all of this. You may think that they don't see or understand what's going on, so it has little effect on them. Quite the opposite. At their young ages, the crutial development of their personalities if forming right NOW. What they see in your home is what they perceive as "normal" - and you need to make the changes necessary to stop that. They have no other way of comparing what they see - this is what people do, in their young minds. They must be your highest priority right now - not your husband, not yourself, but them.
I suggest that you need to make a concrete plan. Figure out what you need to be able to leave - for money, for plane fare, for a place to live, etc. Then start making the positive steps toward putting that plan in action. You will be protecting your children - AND - your actions will be the best possible way for your husband to truly FEEL the impact of his drug use. You may be giving him the greatest gift to him, by leaving. That gift is the "gift of desperation" - which is what addicts usually need, in order to start into recovery.
I hope you keep posting, as you'll need lots of support - and this is a great place for it! May God bless you in your journey... my prayers are with you.
I really do not know what more to add to these previous posts.
I can only reiterate what my own experience is as an addicted father and husband. Maybe you can compare and contrast to help make some of these ERXTREMELY difficult life decisions.
First - I agree with Kathleen - as addicts we do some crazy stuff sometimes to get our DofC. While I never placed my children in a position like what was stated or directly exposed them to this "element", I have driven a motor vehicle under the influence of opiates, with my children in the car (just as egregious – no moral equivalencies). VERY irresponsible - think what I could have done; slow reflexes in a highway situation.
Keep those children near and dear!
Second, as I stated on my first post to you, HE needs to acknowledge his addiction, and work to conquer it. He is absolutely still in denial - that is a very dangerous place for him, you, and your children.
Third, even as I admitted to myself and eventually my wife, that I am/was an opiate addict and needed help, that was just the beginning. Recovery is a long road...
Basically what I am trying to tell you is that I got clean for ME. Even with all I had/have to lose, I still relapsed because of a weak moment, poor will and judgment, and poor recovery structure in place. I am speaking as someone who absolutely loves his wife and children, and I admit the error of my ways. When I relapsed and came clean w/ my wife, her initial reaction was to take off w/ the children. I was extremely sad, but did not blame her. To me, that was bottom. Jobs, friends, money - those things come and go. The love of a good woman and the unconditional love of your children are TOO high a price to pay for popping some pills. That was/is my bottom. My wife taking my children from me (temporarily as it was) shook me to the core. I share this with you because I want you to understand that maybe he needs to lose and fail before he "wins" and succeeds in recovery. I am very new to recovery, so that is only an opinion of mine based on my experience.
Now, I am back in recovery, working the program, and talking with my wife. I share some of the things that I am discussing on the forum. She "reminds" me of my N/A meetings, and even though she has not met him, she "reminds" me to keep in touch w/ Robert (I have spoken of him to her), and others that I speak to from the forum.
I am sorry to say that from your posts, and from my experience, the substance abuse will continue until he admits his disease, and confronts it, or God-forbid – hits that botom. Please know that there is hope. Again, it took the action of my wife ripping my world from me to help me truly see what I was losing for some little blue pills.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Best of luck.
Last edited by mottam; 12-11-2009 at 08:39 AM.
I couldn't agree with you more as far at the thought of losing my wife and kids shook me to the core. I took the kids swimming last night for about 2 hours so my wife could just rest. It still hurts me to think of the things or problems I caused. I always thought of my self as good husband and father. Even when my wife found out I was buying extra pills on top of perscribed meds She kept saying your good man how could you. Good men do some stupid things sometimes. She forgiven me and my kids just think i had the flu. So I have to make the most of it.
Originally Posted by mottam
I want to thank all of you for your advice. After my husband got home from being out of town I told him that I was going to be leaving to go back to the states after I took my final exams in January and the baby got her >>>>>>>>. He kinda freaked out. He said he would quit using all drugs if that's what it took for me not to leave. I personally saw him get rid of everything he had. I still don't really trust him and constantly question who hes with and what hes been doing. I know it hasn't been long but he seems sincere this time. Maybe its because I had a plan of action if he didn't get his act together so to speak. I do have to wonder though, what do you all think his chances of staying clean are? In another year are we going to be going through this same thing again? I'm also trying to figure out what caused him to start using in the first place. He says its fun and he enjoys the feeling, but it seems like there has to be some underlining problem that he's trying to cover up with the drugs. Am I reading too much into his addiction? Could it be he used just because he though it was fun? I just feel like there is so much I don't understand, and I hate not being able to understand something. Usually when I just dont get something I Google it, but I cant do that with this. I've done drugs before honestly I never liked the way they made me feel. I never liked not having the ability to feel in control of my own body and the way it moved. Also I'm wondering if he's going through withdraw. He's had bad headaches every day and is very tired and moody. He'll start a fight with me over anything. Is there anything I can do to help him in anyway?
hi, i feel for you in that situation.
my take on it, he will pretend to get rid of everything to make it look good for you. but he is probably still using without your knowledge.
its not that hard to hide things, i used to be able to hit up drugs, and my partner had no idea. for a while anyway.
we addicts are sneaky and devious, and cunning, during our active addiction, and i think your husband has just done all the things he thinks you want to see.
if he is really withdrawing, he will be in bed suffering. not getting all grumpy on you. its a worry mate.
ask him again about the random tests, tell him thats what its going to take to beleive him. i will guess by his reaction, you will know whether he is really clean or not. i have a feeling its going to be not. sorry but thats probably the sad truth.
i wish you all the best, and all i can tell you is my side of things, in case that helps,
Respectively, I have to say your husband is incredibly selfish. As well as addicted. You do not deserve this and neither do your girls. I understand you love him but you cannot stay in a dangerous and hurtful situation because you want to "support" him. Personally, I think his rock bottom would be you and your girls leaving. My advice would be to take your mother in law up on her offer. This could easily be his rock bottom, that from what i've read, he so desperately needs. No way is he "done" using. You sound like a wonderful, loving person. I wouldn't subject my girls to that lifestyle any longer. Not that it'll be easy BY ANY MEANS. But loving him may mean letting him go temporarily so he can realize the magnitude of the situation and hit that rock bottom. THEN and ONLY then (just in my opinion) will he get serious for himself and his family. It sounds like he is definitely a master manipulator. And NONE of this is your fault. So you smoke and drink 3 coke a day? That in no way even COMPARES with his drug use. This is a test of your love. It will not be easy. But you can do it. Ask GOD for the strength. Bring him to that rock bottom. It seems as though just the thought of you and the girls leaving sent him into a frenzy. But just threatening it will not be enough. He will say he's done, play the poor, pathetic me card and then the whole "using" cycle will repeat itself. Think of it as you saving your family because that's exactly what you'll be doing. Again, this is just my advice and personal view points. I will pray for you. Only you can reach into your heart and set your plan into action. And you and only you can decide what that plan is. You'll figure it out. MY heart and prayers are with you and your girls. You can do this. God bless you.....
Thanks for the update - I have been thinking about you. As cheeky said, even though you saw him get rid of some drugs please remember that he can always buys more. Be careful, be skeptical - trust his ACTIONS/BEHAVIOR not his words.
As far as 'why' he does drugs - that is the million dollar questions. All of us began to abuse drugs for different reasons at different times in our lives. Some of us have major mental health issues that we need to deal with, others are just unable to turn away from the euphoria of using. Honestly, at this point in time the 'why' is almost unimportant - he needs to want to and get clean, THEN he can start to deal with the 'whys'.
Always remember that there is nothing you can do to help him with this process. He has to do it for himself. You can support him by helping through his withdrawls, driving him to support meetings, listening to him vent, etc. but it all is on his shoulders.
Take good care of yourself and your girls. You are always in my thoughts.
just a mom
Ignorance isnt always bliss
In living with and being an addict, there is a LOT to learn. As the days and hurting & hurtful situations go by, we SLOWLY gain insight as to what we need to do and how we need to do it to be victorious over Addiction, the deceiver. The ignorance is crippling.
It is scary on both sides. The addict and the loved ones wonder why, how, when and what it'll take to make it stop (though not in the same time frame usually). Seeking council from caring people such as the ones who have graciously replied to you is SO VERY WISE, as it will help both sides to have insight to some things when otherwise, experience is the only teacher.
I know I am grateful for the knowledge I have gained here. You seem to be already and if ya stick around, it can only help your precious family's situation all the more.
Best wishes and prayers for the 5 of you.