Results 1 to 17 of 17
Like Tree8Likes
  • 3 Post By deleted116
  • 1 Post By surfdog
  • 1 Post By Lonelywf
  • 3 Post By surfdog
Husband addicted to pills and I dont know how to fix this!
  1. #1
    Lonelywf is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    6

    Default Husband addicted to pills and I dont know how to fix this!

    Hello,
    I have been with my husband for 4 year's now and we have only been married for 10 months. This past year has been the worst year of our lives! First, a little background...when I met my husband he was just recovering from a motorcycle accident so there was lots of medication he had to be on during recovery. I didn't realize he had an issue until I didn't hear from him for a week and he admitted to having an addiction problem and the reason be didn't call me was because he cut all medications cold turkey and was at home going through withdrawals!! I said he was crazy for doing that it he said it was the only way he could cut all ties with his addiction... "Doing it the hard way". That's how he learns he says...so from that moment one committed to sobriety. Only this past year his addiction has returned and it seems to be consuming him! He's been snorting Zoloft, Xanax, and adderall. he lost his job of 6 years(because of his addiction) and was unemployed for a few months... That took a toll on him. He found another job but lost that one because he was under the influence of Xanax. He had a nervous breakdown and wanted to end his life. It was horrible for me to watch the man I loved want to just throw everything away. I felt helpless... He didn't want my help or anyone's for that matter.
    It such a long story it seems but to cut the story short, we had a brief time when he wanted to make a change and quit for good but he is still relapsing. He has since then is no longer on zoloft and is off and on again with xanax and full on with adderal. He keeps denying his using I ask him what makes him want to keep using and he says it's the "high that he gets when he goes to pick up his prescription". I try to understand and Ive been nothing but supportive but it's now taking a toll on me! I feel so alone and I don't know how to help him. How do I cope? I want us to be happy but I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...any advice would be so helpful! Sorry so long... I'm just desperate!

  2. #2
    deleted116 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    497

    Default

    Lonely, I'm sorry you are having to go through this....I can't really speak to the drugs your husband is choosing, because I've never actually taken benzos (which are the type he is doing...Xanax, etc.). My drug of choice was oxycodone. But I can speak to being an addict and the addict behavoir...

    When you are deep into your addiction and using, like your husband is right now, you just can't see any other way. The need to feel good, and to not go through any kind of withdrawals, is so overpowering that it becomes the priority over everything else. (and from what I know about Xanax, the withdrawals are not only horrible, but dangerous). You tell yourself, and everyone around you, a lot of lies and deceptions to keep your addiction going. I knew what I was doing was wrong (at one point I was up to 180 mg/day of oxycodone), I felt disgusted about myself....but no matter how I felt, when I woke up the next morning I couldn't face the day without the stuff.

    I feel badly for you and the other people who have to deal with the addicts....because you don't get to run to the drugs, you just have to deal with the consequences. When you say your husband loves the high he gets when he fills his prescription....well, everyone reading that who has had a problem can relate. I never had too many prescriptions....but nothing would beat the sound of my phone getting a text message, telling me it was "all set". Even if I was in WD at the time, I could feel myself instantly lifting out of it just getting that news. And picking any amount up felt great. Only problem is, as time went on, that "great" feeling got shorter and shorter. And I can guarantee that your husband is feeling the same thing. He probably feels a high getting his prescription....and seeing that full bottle. But as soon as he takes a couple, the anxiety starts to kick in that they are dwindling. And so the cycle repeats, and repeats and repeats. It can really feel endless, and it can BE endless if the addict doesn't stop.

    It's good that you are supporting him....however in the end he has to not just want to quit, but be committed to quitting. He has to put it in front of everything else. Even how much he loves the way the pills make him feel. For me....it wasn't the feeling the pills gave me that made me quit....it was the life of being an addict that made me quit. Your husband has to open his eyes to that...it doesn't matter how great he thinks the pills are, they are causing really negative consequences in his life, so they have to go. There was a time when I thought that I could really never be happy without the pills. Even when I first quit, there was a big feeling and a fear that "o.k., maybe I can stay off the things, but I won't ever feel as good again". It's only been 4 1/2 months and I can look back and say I was wrong. Are there things I still miss about using the pills? Yes. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But all of that other stuff I am so happy to leave behind. So there is hope that your husband can have a happy life not on this stuff. But he really has to want to go through some hard times to get there. Does he express to you at all that he wants to stop?

    As I said, I don't want to actually speak to his withdrawal or anything like that. I'm not sure if you are aware, but Benzo withdrawal is dangerous, and if he stops cold turkey from the Xanax it can be bad. I'm sure that more people with more knowledge of Xanax and Adderall will come on and write more. Sorry if I wasn't too much help, but you will get support on here....

  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    2,161

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lonelywf View Post
    Hello,
    I have been with my husband for 4 year's now and we have only been married for 10 months. This past year has been the worst year of our lives! First, a little background...when I met my husband he was just recovering from a motorcycle accident so there was lots of medication he had to be on during recovery. I didn't realize he had an issue until I didn't hear from him for a week and he admitted to having an addiction problem and the reason be didn't call me was because he cut all medications cold turkey and was at home going through withdrawals!! I said he was crazy for doing that it he said it was the only way he could cut all ties with his addiction... "Doing it the hard way". That's how he learns he says...so from that moment one committed to sobriety. Only this past year his addiction has returned and it seems to be consuming him! He's been snorting Zoloft, Xanax, and adderall. he lost his job of 6 years(because of his addiction) and was unemployed for a few months... That took a toll on him. He found another job but lost that one because he was under the influence of Xanax. He had a nervous breakdown and wanted to end his life. It was horrible for me to watch the man I loved want to just throw everything away. I felt helpless... He didn't want my help or anyone's for that matter.
    It such a long story it seems but to cut the story short, we had a brief time when he wanted to make a change and quit for good but he is still relapsing. He has since then is no longer on zoloft and is off and on again with xanax and full on with adderal. He keeps denying his using I ask him what makes him want to keep using and he says it's the "high that he gets when he goes to pick up his prescription". I try to understand and Ive been nothing but supportive but it's now taking a toll on me! I feel so alone and I don't know how to help him. How do I cope? I want us to be happy but I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...any advice would be so helpful! Sorry so long... I'm just desperate!
    Dear Lonelywf,

    This is a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Life with an addict would test the love and patience of a saint. It's like hubby has a mistress - and the mistress is drugs. You're 'sharing' him with something that is taking him away from you.

    Your choice of name for this thread is what caused me to read - because you can't "fix" this. BUT - there are things you can do to bring about his desire to "fix" this. Basically, addicts can't continue to use unless there are people around them that make it possible for him. In other words, addicts need "enablers" to be able to keep on with the drugs.

    When we're active drug users, we're oblivious to what everyone around us is feeling; we're lost in our own little world and drugs are the #1 priority. As long as there are enablers around us, we don't have to feel the consequences of our using - they do it for us. Our enablers keep a roof over our heads when we "can't" work. Our enablers pay the bills, make the excuses, cover up for our screw-ups. The best way for an addict to WANT to stop is to allow him to feel the full consequences of his drug use. In other words, stop enabling, and he will better see what he's doing to himself and those around him.

    The best place for you to learn how to stop enabling is through Alanon [http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/] or Naranon [http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html]. These are support groups set up specifically for those affected by a loved one's alcohol or drug abuse. When we're pulled into the vortex of someone else's addiction, we can't see things clearly; we can't even see HOW we're enabling. These groups will provide help to you more than I can possibly explain here.

    As for the xanax withdrawal, yes, it can be dangerous. Benzodiazepene drugs (like xanax) can cause seizures when we stop. He will have to taper down slowly from what he's taking, and it would help to have a drug like depakote prescribed for him, to protect him from seizures. The mix of this with adderall is wreaking havoc with his mind and body. His emotional state must be a bit like a roller coaster at times. A drug like zoloft (an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med) can not work properly if he is taking it at the same time as the others. He needs to get clean of the xanax and adderall before his body can readjust itself for normal brain functioning.

    Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with him about what you're seeing and how you're feeling? After you get hooked up with Alanon or Naranon, you'll need to start setting some strong boundaries for what is and is not acceptable. Oftentimes, the only way an addict responds is when those around him/her stop enabling, and he is stuck with feeling and experiencing the full effects of what he's doing. This would be hard to do on your own - which I why I strongly urge you to attend some meetings.

    God bless - I'll keep you in my prayers,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Lonely there is not a lot I can add, Moon and artist said it so well. Alanon/Naranon is vitally important foy you. the support you will receive there in priceless. As ruth and Moon said the only catalyst for change with us is pain, if it doesn't hurt there is no reason to quit. He is responsible for his recovery not you. If he wo'nt go to meetings you go. This is a devastating disease not a matter of will power. Please post and often there is support here for you. Surfdog
    deleted116 likes this.

  5. #5
    Lonelywf is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    6

    Default

    Thank you to everyone that has responded! I really needed to read this. I have indeed been wanting to go to Alanon or Naranon to seek more support. I know that I am enabling him. I hate to even say that. I have certainly been covering up for him and always making excuses so that no one will judge him for his actions. Part of me is afraid of what might happen if I stop enabling. Will he leave? Will he go further down the deep end? However, I agree with you, Ruth, he will need to feel the consequences so that he can WANT to quit. We have lost close friends over this (friends that he has had since he was a kid). The funny part of this, too is that he is had friends die because of drug abuse and he knows what it does to family members. We have had many "heart-to-heart" talks...talks that have gone on for 4 hours straight! He opens up and tells me that he tries everyday to do right, but he says his mind takes over. He sees the hurt it causes me and he says he feels sorry about it. He even told me one time that he "is tired of the guilt and the hiding" and I thought that was a breakthrough, but he keeps using.
    Other times he tells me he is sick and tired of talking about the "same thing" over and over and then shuts down. Then I have to walk on egg shells with him so that I don't upset him. I feel like such a door mat. I now am afraid to even bring it up anymore. Like last night...I know that he hasn't had access (at least I don't think so) to Xanax because I secretly have been speaking to his doctor about his abuse with this drug and so she said she would not prescribe him that anymore unless he sees a therapist. However, last night he looked like he was under the influence of it and his mood was not only lethargic but at times overly excited. So I tip-toed my words and said "babe, it looks like you are on something". He immediately said "No!", changed his attitude and said he was going to bed. I apologized to him that I even brought it up, but I knew he had to be using. I'm so confused.

    Moon,
    One thing I failed to mention (well, many things but I'll save them for later) in my post is that he sometimes gets pills like Oxycodone...from my neighbor. I found that out because I noticed him randomly going over next door for silly things and I knew something was up. I found the bottle and my anxiety sky rocketed! I confronted the neighbor when my husband wasn't home and he promised me that he wouldn't give him anymore...well he hasn't kept up his end of the deal. I've even confronted my husband about this and I threatened to call the police on this guy, but my husband said it was all his fault and to not blame this guy for it. So he said he would stop. So much for that too.

    Sometimes, I feel like, what have I gotten myself into and why doesn't he love me enough to get rid of those damn pills?! Why doesn't he try harder to quit?! Our relationship has changed drastically. He has become distant, moody, "numb"(as he put it) to everything. I love him so much and I want him to be happy. I just want things to go back to the way they were, but I don't think that will every happen. He even said that he has changed. I guess we'll see.
    I'm so glad I found this website to spill my feelings and seek support. All I do is bottle up my feelings because I don't want to worry my family. His family does know about his issue and my dad does too, but I keep wanting to try and do this myself to keep others from suffering like me. I have, however, been seeing a therapist for a few months now because of all my anxiety and depression that this has brought up. I am still having a hard time though. Thanks for your words of kindness and advice.

  6. #6
    thalia45 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    482

    Default

    Alanon is wonderful. Since I am an active addict myself again now, I not only hate myself, but I hate what I am doing to those close to me. I went to Alanon some years back when I had been clean for a long time but I was sure husband#2 was not only using again but also cheating on me. One thing that I can say is that we (active addicts) hate ourselves so much, we turn to the drugs for "help". Until we can break that cycle once and for all, the drugs will always come first.

    I am so sorry to say this but I know it to be true from so many perspectives.

    I hate what drugs do to us, but what it does to those around is horrible. I don't mind dying but I would like to do it clean.

    Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You are fighting a battle with the devil, and the best thing you can do is get help in your defense (Alanon or whatever) and you may have to leave him to his own destiny. I am so afraid that is what I am doing to my boyfriend (of 10 years).

  7. #7
    Lonelywf is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    6

    Default

    Thalia45,

    Thanks for your response. Please continue to get help and continue to fight for sobriety. Loved ones are so important to have around you. I feel I'm being pushed away by my husband's addiction. All my husband does is isolates himself from me. I see that you have been with your boyfriend for 10 years and that's awesome, but how long can you continue to live like this? Allow him to live like this? That is what I always think to myself. What is it going to take for my husband to give this up? I don't want 10 years to past by and still be in this same pattern. I want him better. I want him to LIVE LIFE WITH ME.

    Everyone tells me to leave home so that he can get his reality check but I'm so scared. I don't know if this will make it worse or if this will help. I don't want to divorce my husband, but I am dying myself inside. My life has stopped because of this. I feel so empty. I just exist day to day. I'm sure that is what he feels like too, but he won't let me help him or help himself for that matter.

    Coming from someone looking on the outside in, I want to say to you, please don't throw your relationship away over this. There is so much to live for and it IS possible to live without these drugs and live happily. You CAN do it! I'm sure you know all of this, but since my own husband won't take this advice I hope these words help you...helps someone who reads this. Loved ones are suffering right there with addicts so why not be there for each other to pull through? I wish it was simple and I know it's not, but as long as there is effort to quit being made, then that is a HUGE step. Good luck to you.

    Any advice on the moving out thing is much appreciated. I'm stuck.

  8. #8
    rubindawg is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    maine
    Posts
    19

    Default

    i feel like we have similar stories, i guess everyone on here does. it is just always a shock when i read something and it could be my life you are talking about, i just always feel so alone it is hard to imagine anyone else feeling this alone too. my boyfriend and i have been together for 14 years and over half of them he has been addicted to some drug or another. his favorite is roxi or oxi, which he has been snorting for over 7 years, about 2 years ago without telling me anything he tried to quit on his own by switching to suboxone. he is now hooked on the subs. i have gone through all the same things you have mentioned, the heart to heart talks where he promises to change, the anger and fights where i quickly have to apologize and walk on eggshells for the next few days, i have talked to my family and his.
    2 weeks ago when he came home from work i was ready, i made the decision that this is it, last chance. Someone told me that i have to be willing to lose him if i wanted to help him and i think that is true. when he got home he was happy and in a good mood and it was so hard to know i was about to ruin it all.(i know i am not the one who got us into this but i still feel the guilt). so i sat him down and stated very calmly that he needed help. he went through denial and anger he was cruel, then he was crying and saying he was sorry. we had every emotion in about 10 minutes. he said f this i will move out tomorrow if that is what you want. i just stayed very calm ( even tone of voice no yelling no crying) and told him that is not what i want, i want him to stay with me and stop using, but that is not my choice that is his. we talked for about 4 hours and i told him i had started looking for an apartment and i found one i could move into right away, i was just waiting to sign the lease. i didn't want to move out and give up the last 14 years as a total loss but it was time i started living my life not revolving around his! i honestly thought he was going to leave i never imagined that he would pick me over his pills, i had fallen so far down his priority list in my head i had told myself that he probably wouldn't even miss me, it would just make it easier for him to use. i left him alone the next day to think about our talk and what he wanted to do. when i came back that night he said he was going to stay, and get clean. i was so happy i thought yes i won i beat the drugs. we got him to an n/a meeting and he is on outpatient recovery 3 times a week and has n/a twice a week. tomorrow he gets inducted into his suboxone treatment.(which means he gets the drug from the doctor instead of the dealer) this drug is so bad that it is almost impossible to stop cold turkey, the mental withdrawl is awful so he is going to have to taper off of it in stages.
    when he said he would stop i thought it would be that day but 2 weeks later and we are not even at day 1 yet. i was not prepared for how hard this would be, i thought it was bad when he was lying and sneaking around( which i let him do for a long time because it was easier than confronting him) but this is so much harder. a big part of his process is being honest and he is sharing some things with me that are pretty devastating, things i never would have expected of him.i wonder most days now if i even know this person. the thing is he is doing what i asked he is trying so hard, going to all his meetings, he has cut his dosage dramatically in just 2 weeks but the emotional toll is huge. my family is trying to be supportive but they have been listening to me for so long that they are over it. my mom just wants me to leave says he will always manipulate me. they can't even be in the same house anymore. my mom would never end our relationship, but i can feel her putting distance between us. the phone calls are fewer and she always finds a reason to get off the phone. i didn't want it to come to this but i feel like i had to choose him over my family. i have a lot of resentment towards him for that. we have talked about it and it has become one of his motivators to prove to her that he can do this and make me happy again.
    sorry for the length, i didn't mean to start a novel here but i just wanted to say that if he is serious and quits the hardest part for you is coming. it has been the most difficult 2 weeks of my life, not 1 day goes by that i don't think about grabbing my >>>>>>>> and running away. i feel like he had all the fun and i got all the consequences! i have often wished i was an addict too and we could just be happy and oblivious.
    the biggest help has been honesty no matter what!! don't try to spare feelings or protect anyone, that is how things got so bad for us. i have been scared in the past to tell him how he is hurting me because i didn't think he cared, but when he saw he was not just hurting himself but me and my mom as well he started to understand how bad the addiction was.
    we are still at the begining like i said he is still on the drug and we haven't even gotten to day one yet but for now i am hanging in. i think i can do this. i hope i can!
    good luck to you. i hope your road is easier than mine!

  9. #9
    Lonelywf is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    6

    Default

    Rubindawg,

    Yes, it IS so scary to see how many people on here have basically described what's going on in my life to a T. Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am going through a hell of a lot just like I know you are! I know exactly what you mean when you say you wish you can run away. I feel like that almost everyday. When you mentioned that you finally sat down and confronted him about leaving... that is what I'm struggling with right now. I started to cry when I read this because you did what I need to do and you were strong. I don't feel I am that strong enough yet to do it. Right now, I've been thinking..."maybe I should have one last heart-to heart"...but every time I try to tell him we need to talk or can I get something off my chest, he gets annoyed or upset and doesn't want to hear anything. He says, "Aww man here we go again...NOPE"... He walks away and starts to turn it into a joke or game so that the subject is quickly dropped. That bothers me. I'm assuming it's because he knows he's doing wrong? It's all anger now coming from him now instead of being apologetic.
    I hope that when I do confront him, he will be receptive like your boyfriend was and seek help. I just get so confused because I do see him in a "good mood" and I don't want to bring him back down so I bottle up my feelings ONCE AGAIN. I hope your boyfriend sees how special you are and take into consideration the support you have given him and the hurt he's caused you. I hope my husband does the same. Please stay in touch as I am sure I will be going down the same road as you. It seems you've jumped a hurdle, I hope your boyfriend keeps up treatment. We have to be strong and I know you can do this. I just hope I can too!
    Good Luck!!

  10. #10
    rubindawg is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    maine
    Posts
    19

    Default

    i too had many heart to heart talks with him before we finally had a breakthrough. and they were all met with denial and acusations that i just don't trust him and i am the one who has the problem. he was always quick to be angry and yell and i realize now that that was just a distraction to keep me off the topic. he was also embarrassed and ashamed. the big difference this last time was i meant what i said this time and maybe he could tell that. i had said i would leave in the past before but i never really meant it. i changed for myself, i decided to have a life again, to try to find a way to make myself happy. if he wants to to be a part of that great, if not i could be happy on my own. i didn't want to be his mother i want to be his partner. i have been posting on here for a couple of weeks now and someone told me that he is not the only addict, i am addicted to him. i think that that is true, i always stayed and i overlooked so much, pretended to be blind to some really obvious things. i was afraid to give up my house and my lifestyle and was scared of the unknown. somehow my life had turned into a really bad lifetime movie.
    the first step in n/a is surrender and i had to do that and realize i can't contol everything. if he stays or goes is not up to me it is up to him. i can't make this decision for him, that was the hardest part. it was a very hard thing to put both of our futures into the hands of an addict.
    maybe if you write something out about how his addiction is affecting you not him he can see it from a different perspective. how it interferes with work and personal relationships, and for me personally the stress and anxiety were so bad i was getting physically ill. addicts are selfish and they think they are only hurting themselves, make him see who else he has hurt.
    i know the guilt is hard but you are not the bad guy! at least that is what i tell myself everyday. i am wishing you courage and strength... you can do this. i hope he sees how much you love him!

  11. #11
    Lonelywf is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    6

    Default

    That is interesting you mentioned that someone told you that you were "addicted to him" and I feel the same way! At one point, I was obsessed with making sure that he was okay. I wanted to know what he was doing at all times. It was making me physically ill as well. I couldn't believe how my life turned upside down so quickly. Finally, I decided I couldn't keep him from using. If he was going to use he was going to find a way whether I knew about it or not. I had to let that go. Also, I think that my husband, too, feels ashamed and embarrassed about all of this and that is why he shuts down...one thing I have to factor in when attempting the "heart-to-hearts" is if he is high at the moment or not. I know I wouldn't be able to "get through" if he is on anything. So...those times are limited...so frustrating! So when I'm ready to talk he is not.
    I can relate when you said that you felt scared of losing your house and lifestyle...I have 3 dogs that I love so much and that is part of the reason that is keeping me from just up and leaving. I don't have anywhere to keep them nor do I want them to suffer. I just have a feeling that when I tell him I want to leave that he will not take care of them. My family tells me to give the dogs away, but I don't have the heart to do it! Also, I'm scared of leaving the house and having to go through "what's mine and what's his". I too feel that my life is unreal(like a movie)... more like a NIGHTMARE! I wish I can wake up and it never have happened. No such luck.
    Thank you for your kind words...we'll see what happens...to be continued...
    rubindawg likes this.

  12. #12
    rubindawg is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    maine
    Posts
    19

    Default

    i had 2 dogs, 1 just died, his name was rubin. i still have one though and you are right it was a big factor in my decision.

  13. #13
    bekka1964 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Florida (near the beach)
    Posts
    49

    Default

    Everyone here has really said it all.......the only thing I can add is my situation is reversed. My husband has been putting up with me for 20 yrs of addiction. I think he stays because we used to use together and he was the one who pushed me to try new things,got mad when I would'nt. So when I graduated from street drugs to rxs from a dr after my first bad withdrawl from that he stopped (except pot) I struggled for yrs and still do ,I am 34 days sober,no meds. But I cant say for sure I will make it. I can be honest and say if roles had been reversed i dont know if I would have stayed. Dont know if I am that strong BUT I also know I would have talked to his parents,made phones calls, 911 if I had to and got him help he never did that either(to embarressed) My thoughts are with you and you will know when you have reached the end of your rope.

  14. #14
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Bekka, rubin, lonely, With us the only catalyst for change is pain. If it doesn't hurt there is no reason to quit. Families and loved ones go through their own special hell with us. My wife was sicker than I was, She stayed with me, I don't mean that in a bad way, who else would stay with us. A normal person would not have put up with my stuff for 15 minutes much less for years.
    It is so very important that you remember that you did not cause this, can't control it and can't cure it. The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. Alanon/ Naranon thereapy whatever works use it for yourself. Everything about recovery works in paradoxes, surrender to win, selfiish to be selfless, loss of choice to gain choice, become hopeless to regain hope.
    My wife and I had to BOTh put an amazing amount of effort into recovery. We came to understand that a healthy relationship is based upon want not need. we are still together because we want to be together, we know happiness comes from inside not from someone else meeting our needs. That is unrealistic for the other person. I hope you all can get this worked out Hoping for the best for all Dog
    ClassiqueMom, rubindawg and Sundwn like this.

  15. #15
    D3PR3S3D_01 is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    1

    Default husbands new marriage to xanax

    Hello everyone. I'm new to this, but wow, what a great resource! Thanks for the great posts and information.

    I sympathize with all who watch their spouse; lifeless, incapable of speech, in their private world, while you listen to his labored breathing and worry....you stare at the walls and hear only silence. Its lonely, sad silent emotionally challenging.

    My husband was a wonderful incredible kind,good looking, big grinning man who was so much fun....I miss him terribly my heart is so heavy and filled with pain, anger and angish.

    He was great to me, so active and handsome and exceptionally loveing....but that was then.....now he very slow, incable of speach, love, sharing I was his one only until xanxax too that from me.

    His drug use has altered his brain chemistry....he flys into rages, becomes violent and delusional.....for three years I have been supportive, compassionate, sought him the best help, made appointments only for him to never turn up and cancel.

    Now I have become angry, fed up and if I'm honest I have become resentful. I have M.S and mostly struggle through my days, but I force myself to work, excercise and desperately try to maintain the household.

    I come home everyday to him sleeping....last week I found him unresponsive and had to perform cpr until the medics arrived. Yesterday I came home to find him blissfully unaware to a fire caused by a cigarette burning our couch.

    ......I am a christian and believe marriage is for life and a true commitment. I took my vows seriously.....he (was) the love of my life!

    My question is: my health is failing, I feel abandoned, my needs are not met, I live a solitary life......is it ever ok to walk away from this?

    I am his only family....I know he is hurting inside, struggling with his past issues. I also believe him to have an underlying mental health issue (PTSD)....I desperately want to help him and would be riddled with guilt if I left him. I feel it might tip him one step closer to death.

    I'm not sure I could live with that....please help? How can I help myself? How can I help him see the damage he has not only caused himself, but our marriage and my wellbeing.

    I feel very selfish right now....and only really want to do what is best for me. Its becoming a matter of survival. Any advice would help as I am in turmoil and my heart is breaking

  16. #16
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    2,161

    Default



    Dear D3PR3S3D_01,

    I don't know how better to say this, than what I said on this thread earlier, to the original poster. (Copy below.) Please - get to Alanon or Naranon; that's where you'll find both the support and guidance you need.

    God bless,
    Ruth



    Quote Originally Posted by ARTIST658 View Post
    Dear Lonelywf,

    This is a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Life with an addict would test the love and patience of a saint. It's like hubby has a mistress - and the mistress is drugs. You're 'sharing' him with something that is taking him away from you.

    Your choice of name for this thread is what caused me to read - because you can't "fix" this. BUT - there are things you can do to bring about his desire to "fix" this. Basically, addicts can't continue to use unless there are people around them that make it possible for him. In other words, addicts need "enablers" to be able to keep on with the drugs.

    When we're active drug users, we're oblivious to what everyone around us is feeling; we're lost in our own little world and drugs are the #1 priority. As long as there are enablers around us, we don't have to feel the consequences of our using - they do it for us. Our enablers keep a roof over our heads when we "can't" work. Our enablers pay the bills, make the excuses, cover up for our screw-ups. The best way for an addict to WANT to stop is to allow him to feel the full consequences of his drug use. In other words, stop enabling, and he will better see what he's doing to himself and those around him.

    The best place for you to learn how to stop enabling is through Alanon [http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/] or Naranon [http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html]. These are support groups set up specifically for those affected by a loved one's alcohol or drug abuse. When we're pulled into the vortex of someone else's addiction, we can't see things clearly; we can't even see HOW we're enabling. These groups will provide help to you more than I can possibly explain here.

    As for the xanax withdrawal, yes, it can be dangerous. Benzodiazepene drugs (like xanax) can cause seizures when we stop. He will have to taper down slowly from what he's taking, and it would help to have a drug like depakote prescribed for him, to protect him from seizures. The mix of this with adderall is wreaking havoc with his mind and body. His emotional state must be a bit like a roller coaster at times. A drug like zoloft (an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med) can not work properly if he is taking it at the same time as the others. He needs to get clean of the xanax and adderall before his body can readjust itself for normal brain functioning.

    Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with him about what you're seeing and how you're feeling? After you get hooked up with Alanon or Naranon, you'll need to start setting some strong boundaries for what is and is not acceptable. Oftentimes, the only way an addict responds is when those around him/her stop enabling, and he is stuck with feeling and experiencing the full effects of what he's doing. This would be hard to do on your own - which I why I strongly urge you to attend some meetings.

    God bless - I'll keep you in my prayers,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  17. #17
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    1,068

    Default

    Hi D3,

    You have posted on an old thread. It would help a great deal to start a thread of your own and label it appropriately so that those with advice can direct it especially to you. It's very hard to find and follow your posts when they are on others' threads. You can find the "New Thread" link on the front page of the Forum and the rest is self explantory.

    OK. I have been both the addict (clean for just over 3 yrs) and my son is newly in recovery....again. I have had the dubious pleasure of experiencing both sides of addiction and at plenty of times was experiencing them both at the same time. Perhaps that alone will give you a bit of insight to an addicts thought process. I would agonize and enable my son and my heart was sick with worry for him all the while figuring out how to get my drug of choice for myself. Figure that one out and when you do, enlighten me! I got myself clean and continue to shed gazillions of tears for my son. Even though I know the ONLY reason I got myself clean was because it was what I finally wanted after many, many years of abusing that I really felt the impact of what I had put my family through by having to be an active spectator in my son's addiction. My tears have sent him to detox and rehab repeatedly over the years (yes, while all along I was using myself).

    Several weeks ago he wound up in the ER with a severe asthma attack (from snorting, by the way) and ended up in respiratory failure and on life support. When he awoke several days later in full blown detox, he begged the hospital's social worker to find him a detox bed and one that he could go to directly from the hospital. She was so compassionate that she even wiggled the system in order to keep him in the hospital a day longer than he should have been there to wait for that detox bed. Fast forward...he completed detox using a quick 4 day taper.... not an easy or fun feat and came home. This was the first major step that he made, by himself and by his choice alone. None of us family members asked him to go nor did we do any leg work for him. This is all on him. He again did the legwork and phone calls to find someplace to get a Naltrexone pellet implant (his drug of choice is opiates of any kind, mostly >>>>>>) that blocks the receptors from opiates. Naltrexone also available in a daily oral dose but HE decided that he simply could not trust himself to take his dose daily, too easy to fall of his program to get high. The implant is a wise choice and will block his drug of choice for 90 days. That procedure was done last Friday and this morning, he said that when those 90 days are almost up, he's going to ask for the pellet that lasts for a year!

    Sorry for my tirade. My point is that you are helpless to help anyone but yourself. I know that you are a Christian and I'm certain you are devout. However, my guess is that God would want you to save the only person you are able to save and that is you. Hope you get my point here from my very long story.

    Peace,

    Cat
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22