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How long does this last?
  1. #1
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Unhappy How long does this last?

    First let me start by saying that I am on day 3 of no narcotics!! I owe that in part to reading these threads and the sage advice of many of you. It helped to realize that I am an addict. Oh I think I've known for a while but told myself that I needed those pills. My addiction began like many, with a doctor's prescription pad. I am 43 y/o,married, mother of three. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis in my lower back in 2009 by a PM Specialist. Thus began the slippery slope. One and a half years ago, my doctor's office was raided and he eventually lost his license. My husband was also a patient and between us we were on Lortab,MS Contin, Roxicodone, and Opana. I say between us because we often shared our meds. After we no longer had a doctor, we were desperate to find our meds. My husband knows lots of people and was a le to find what we needed but of course for a large price.

    For a long time I told myself that I was only doing what I had to because I was sick and in pain and I couldn't find another doctor to prescribe them to me. Things got worse. I lost a good job due to absenteeism and had to take one with lower pay, my husband was turned down for SSI and had to take a job he normally wouldn't have in order to support our "medication". But it took his paycheck and more of mine. Bills have gotten behind, the house is in disrepair, my dreams of continuing my education ended. I have been more depressed than ever in my life. My husband looked at me a few weeks ago and said, "we can't go on like this".

    So he had said it and I kind of scoffed but I looked around and thought he is right. But I was soo afraid to let go of my crutch. After all, I needed them didn't I? I began to read different things online, researching. I came here often and read and thought about what I read. I began to see that I had lost ME somewhere. So two weeks ago I began to taper. I was taking 40-50mgs of hydro a day. That's all we could afford. Sometimes we would treat ourselves to oxycodone. Anyway I began to taper and last week I was down to 1.25mg and then jumped cold turkey. I am on day three without narcotics. That is my story. My husband is tapering now, wish him luck. My question to all of you is I still have an upset stomach off and on, I am having horrible mood swings, and I have little energy. I feel very depressed even though I am happy. Does that make sense? I have so much that needs to be done but no motivation to do it. I know my brain is trying to adjust to not getting its fix but I guess I need to hear someone tell me what to expect. Please!
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  2. #2
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hi there- YES it makes sense...you are "happy" probably cuz you're DOING this- the depression and other things are very physiological- your brain's receptors were basically hijacked by the drugs- the drugs were doing the heavy lifting so your brain sort of stopped producing it's own "feel good"...ack- what's the word? Neurotransmitters(?)- Now it's like there's an alarm sounding off abd your brain is like "what? When? How???"- and it needs time to repair.
    You know that...ok- so many of us who've done this will tell you that day 4 is sort of "hump day"- and things slowly start to improve after that. That's for the heavyl WD symptoms. It took about a week for me to get my apetite back. The worst of the sleeplesness was over in about a week- the RLS maybe 5 days or so.
    Everyone's different...with exercise being kind of HUGE in helping to get those feel good chemicals kick started. Also- try and force yourself to eat- or at least high quality protein drinks. Hot baths with Lavender Epsom Salts are heavenly...but not too close to bedtime.

    Motivation to do things like dishes...for me about a week...I swear I remember thinking I'd never FEEL like doing any of those mundane tasks again- but I did- and you will too. Try REALLY HARD to get out for a walk- with music if you have it. I swear I've felt that I could barely move- but I made myself walk and felt 10 times better when done

    This is tough but very doable- I was taking about 10 norco a day and on and off (mostly on) them for 6 yrs. You CAN do this. I got to apoint where I thought either I do this for the rest of my life (NOT possible as tolerance only builds and the pills STOP working) or stop right then. Do not think about Subs- trust me- CT is easier at this point IMO.

    Hang tough!!!

    DL
    Last edited by dogluver; 09-09-2012 at 08:52 PM.

  3. #3
    dogluver is offline Member
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    I should say WELCOME to the Forum! You are in the right place- there are incredible people here...kind and compassionate- keep posting and you will get support.

    Oh- I gave you my take on the heavier WD symptoms...if you need Imodium that can be very helpful too (don't use it for more than you need though)...

    The forum is kind of slow on weekends- but we'll keep this up at the top and make sure people see it and give their advice as well.

    And GOOD FOR YOU for seeing there's a problem. It will only get worse- trust me...

    DL

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    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Thanks so much for answering me DL. I def don't want to ever do this again! Funny thing is that I don't even have the pain that I thought I did. Go figure. Of course I do take Neurontin for FM and a muscle relaxer to help me sleep but otherwise just Ibuprofen or Tylenol. Yes it's those mundane tasks that seem daunting right now. I look around my home and see the signs of my addiction in its disarray. It makes me sad and very intimidated. There are dark corners that I havent looked in for a long time, and just stuff that has piled up that I don't know what to do with. Oh well I guess when I get some energy back it will still be there.

  5. #5
    dogluver is offline Member
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    That's right- and don't sweat the small stuff right now (leave the dishes in the sink for a couple of days if you must)- you are doing something big here and that's the most important thing right now. You'll get some energy back- stay hydrated, and eat what you can- for me at first it was yogurt, pudding, anything easy or soft. But do eat- and tackle the other stuff when you can You'll get there (faster with protein).
    Do the best you can to take it easy on yourself and KNOW that this will get much better. No surprise about the pain not being as bad as you think- pretty typical really.

    Have a good night- will check back tomorrow,
    DL
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  6. #6
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Well it is day four of no narcotics! My stomach doesn't feel too bad right now. I think I will take a shower and then run and pay a couple of bills. Imagine that, money to pay bills!

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    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Ok sooo no one else had responded to me except DL . I can say I don't feel too bad today but I do feel depressed and I just want to sit here. Ive started on housework but now I'm unmotivated again. Have to go back to work tomorrow night so hopefully will get some energy back. I can't say my husband has been very supportive. He's snappy and snarly and I'm assuming this is due to his own tapering. I have a headache and just feel blah! Well I guess that's all.

  8. #8
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hey there!! I was thinking maybe not many responded cuz you sounded so great! (?)
    I mean- you are doing really well- though. I know the lack of motivatian and depression well and it's not easy.
    Day 4 is a great accomplishment- HOORAY for you! I mean it- I know how it feels. I got some pretty good anxiety too for the first week or two...but exercise helped.

    Do you like music? I swear- just putting music on always makes me feel better.

    Keep posting- ya got me and I will do what I can to help you through this (others will pop in I'm sure)

    Please let us know if you have any more questions or if you're feeling down- write it. Keep this as your journal- always good to come back to

    Keep up the good work- you are getting your life back- on day at a time!

    DL
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  9. #9
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Oh- and I'm sure hubby is having a hard time with the taper- mybe he's alittle envious too (?)
    He's probably fearful...what you two are doing is hard.

    I will check back before I go to sleep tonight- any questions just ask, ok?

    DL
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  10. #10
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Most people tell me I'm always the calm one in the middle of a storm. I'm good at repressing my emotions I guess. I'm trying to do some housework but it overwhelms me and I can see my own downward spiral in the condition of it. It makes me want to give up and go to bed. I'm just really sad.

  11. #11
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Aw- I'm sorry you're sad- just being in a mess is soooo hard for me. I used to read "all you have to do is NOT use"- and that always helped me. Though maybe you're talking about the dis-repair it's in? Hey- my motto is "it can always be worse"- and not to minimize. your feelings AT ALL- but you still have your house- and you are changing things.. And the past is history- literally non- existant. You are doing the right thing NOW and that is all you can do. Please don't get too down on yourself, it doesn't do any good. Soon you'll feel so proud of yourself.
    I think some mindless comedies are in order. Omg- I thought The Hangover was SO funny!
    Laughing is good healing too.
    Listen- we all have regrets. The only time you have is Now. And right Now you are awesome. Just know that your emotions will be all over the place for a little bit- and tell yourself they are just feelings- and feel them (I think we don't like to feel them but that's the only way through them)I promise it will get better
    Love,
    DL
    PS- I am flying for 3 days tomorrow (it's my job)- but I will check this thread.
    Last edited by dogluver; 09-10-2012 at 09:37 PM.
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  12. #12
    dogluver is offline Member
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    PPS- I get the sadness. So you know- I'm a 46 yr old woman...and did a big CT in 06...only to go back to painkillers after about 2 years. Eventually got on Subs (huge mistake)- and that took a long time for me to get off. My use didn't justify the Subs- anyhow- I used to be so angry at myself. But then, I had to start looking at it like- hey- at least I did it and had that time. Better than not quitting back then- so I try to focus on what I have as opposed to what I don't. Does that make sense? I just got tired of beating myself up and I want to be HAPPY. Where you're at, well, it's intense. But if you can committ to staying clean for a month- you will be amazed at how much better you feel. Even two weekls is pretty good.
    Ok- you have a good night and I'll check in in the morning before my trip
    DL
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  13. #13
    dogluver is offline Member
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    One last thing (I think! LOL)- I do 90% of my posting with my phone- if I hold a key down too long it puts in a period, and capitalizes letters sometimes- but I write fairly fast so I don't catch all the typos. And it's so hard to "edit"...I will try to do better! I look back at what I write sometimes and wince-maybe I'll just slow down
    DL
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  14. #14
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Anon,
    Just a really quick post to let you know we're reading, and you're doing great, and we're proud of your efforts!
    It gets kinda slow on the forum sometimes, so don't fret about that, just concentrate on each day and things are about to get better! You're almost over the worst of it, and hopefully hubby will be right behind you.
    Again, we're all following your progress, so keep moving forward :-D
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  15. #15
    RobynM is offline New Member
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    It's really good and worthy of you that you gave up on drugs, I guess it means that you have a chance to return to a normal life and start being happy without taking any dope.
    Do your best and apply all the efforts to fight your addiction.
    I wish you all the best!


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  16. #16
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Good morning Anon,

    Hope you had a good nights sleep. I'm just checking in...gonna get up and get ready for work (ugh- I don't feel like it!)
    I'm crossing my fingers that your energy is good for work later today!

    Ttyl,
    DL

  17. #17
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Thanks everyone for responding, it really does mean a lot. I did finally just have a good cry last and went to bed. Woke at about 6, then went back to sleep for a while. I was feeling sore from doing housework which is what happens with my Fibromyalgia. Normally I would have popped a pain pill for that but I just rested instead. WE, I have read your thread and you are doing great. I know a hydo habit isn't the same but I guess it takes a lot of nerve for all of us to kick it, whatever the DOC. DL, you've been great! I hope you have good days at work. I'm getting ready to go back to work tonight. I had taken a couple of personal days for the jump to CT. I had worked while I was tapering and it was rough so I'm hoping I'll do ok tonight. I have a lot of responsibility on my job do I needed to get my head on straight. I'm also on my phone so I will try to check in while at work tonight. Thanks again to everyone

  18. #18
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Good morning Anon!

    I thought I'd have time to respond last night but- we are laying over where one of the flight attendants live and he knew of a cheap massage place...so we jammed over to the place as soon as we could and got a one hour massage for $30! It was really good

    You know it's tough doing this while you have pain. I have a herniated disc in my neck and one in my low back- along with some other more minor things. In fact- I really struggle sometimes and wonder if I really can do this. I mean- if I make the wrong move I can easily get to the point where I can barely turn my head- and the low back...at times I can't stand up straight (it's rare now cuz I've learned what not to do...especially at the gym!). So- usually if I just stay in the moment and not think about the future I get through the day...and string them together. I don't know much about Fibro...and I'm wondering if swimming or yoga might help (?) For us with chroniC pain, figuring out alternate ways to deal with it is really important, ya know?

    And nothing wrong with a good cry- I've had lots of those. I bet it releases some kind of chemical that is helpful- hhmmm- think I'll google it!

    So how did your day or evening at work go? You still hanging in there? I hope it went well...how's your sleeping? Are you sleeping enough?

    Ok- I have a couple hours before check in so I'll pop back by before my flight.

    DL
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  19. #19
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hey Anon,

    Where you at? I'm sitiing in the back of a plane in Houston- one more short flight to go!
    I wanted to see how things were going as I'll probably just go straight to bed tonight...I hope you're ok.

    I'll check in in the morning,
    DL
    Last edited by dogluver; 09-12-2012 at 08:11 PM.
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  20. #20
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted, I work 12 hr nightshifts so I actually have been working and sleeping. Today is day 7! I'm not feeling bad, just still a little slow moving. I still have that urge sometimes to look for that "magic pill". It's kinda weird how you can get into such a habit and then almost mourn its loss. But it's a habit I am breaking. Thanks for staying in touch DL. Did you know I wanted to be a flight attendant when I was a little girl?! Well I guess this is as good a time as any to admit that I am a Registered Nurse. Hmmmm, what do ya think about that?

  21. #21
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Good morning Anon,
    Cool One week! You can start counting in weeks!
    I'm so glad you're still here And I totally relate to the "slow moving". I remember my first days back to work...it was like it took at least twice the effort to get anything done. It waas like I was under water or something. But it was ok.

    You know- I never wanted to be a flight attendant. I didn't NOT want to either- just never thought aboiut it until I got married. My husband was French and wanted passes-plus his best friend applied so I thought- "ok- I'll give it a go". And here I am 18 yrs later. Last week I loved my job- this last trip though-not so much. I worked with a super ditsy Purser who turned the safety video up SO LOUD that people were plugging their ears! Both the other FA and I turned around (we were standing in the aisle) and motioned for her to turn it DOWN! it was embarrasing. She refused. She said it had to be loud so people would pay attention. She also never passed on important info to us (like when the Captain told her we all needed to remain seated after takeoff cuz of the turbulence)- and plenty of other things!
    The real bummer is I have 3 more trips with her- I'm trying so hard to trade out of them. I think I'm going to keep a little journal of everything and talk to the Union about her. There are some safety concerns as well as the fact that she's just plain WEIRD! Most of the time it's the passengers who are crazy! Like the woman who thought I was tring to poison her cuz the Diet Coke I gave her was japanese! Anyhow- enough about me- thanks for listening...got home late last night after an 11.5 hour duty day and too tired to post.

    I think nurses have a super tough job- that's what I think! I am not surprised to hear you're a nurse. And I would imagine that when you have that kind of access to drugs and the stress of the job it wouldn't be hard to become addicted. You know- in some ways our jobs are similar. You deal with sickand sometimes nutty people and we often do too- I've dealt with plenty of medical emergencies onboard. Your job is very physical- and boy so is ours. So many FAs have chronic injuries. We have loooong duty times- we can be expected to work up to a 14.5 hr duty day-even though we only get paid for actual flight time! Both on our feer a lot- do you wear Danskos? So many FAs do...they are the only shoes I wear to work. And- you probably run up against some large egos (doctors) and we do too (pilots- though the majority are pretty cool). My step sis is an ER nurse...and I used to think- wow- so many similarites. I think your job is tougher tthough!

    Anyhow- you didn't think you'd be judged for being a nurse, did ya? Addiction does NOT discriminate!
    I'm glad you made it through your shift ok and are still here

    Are you working another shift tonight?
    I have 3 days off- will check in with ya later.

    Hope you're feeling even better today...you are definitely past the bulk of the physical WDs...so I'm thinking you may feel prettry good today (?) Now you just have to deal with the emotional. And that isn't easy by any means- but just keep putting one foot in front of the other...you are doing this!

    Love,
    DL
    Last edited by dogluver; 09-14-2012 at 09:07 AM.
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  22. #22
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Oh- and I think we all mourn the loss...someone said it's like breaking up with a jerky boyfriend...it's an unhealthy relationship and you know it must end...you hang in hoping it will be like it was in the beginning- but the good times are O V E R! And though you will mourn a bit- you absolutely know it is the right thing and you'll be better off. Everything you're going through...totally "normal".

    DL
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  23. #23
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Yes I believe our jobs area similar. Stress def played a role in my life and legit injuries and an illness that most people know nothing about and most doctor's shrug off. I have been a nurse for 16 years and yes I feel like I would be judged not here maybe but among my peers and family. Nurses are held to this very high moral standard. We are expected to be almost perfect all the time. And yes deal with crazy people and egotistical docs and administration that has not a clue. I had come to the point that if I did stop using eventually I was going to get caught and for a nurse that is not a pretty situation. Also I cannot change jobs because a drug test is involved and without a valid script then I would be stuck where I am forever. Nurses are pretty mum on this subject because to be otherwise is to open themselves up to persecution. I have seen nurses go down for addiction sometimes after a "witch hunt". I am on a mission to get myself back but also my integrity and self respect. I am a good nurse. I know that. I just don't feel like a good person but the two are tied together. Yes this process calls for much introspection. Facing the horrible things I have done to support my habit, the excuses I made to make it ok. I have been a Christian most all of my life. Haven't to church for a while though. I plan to change that. For me, a relationship with God is the only thing that will help me along this journey. Letting go of his hand is how I erred in the first place. Thank you DL for being here, I appreciate you more than you know.
    Ann
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  24. #24
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Ann,

    It is truly my pleasure to help if I can. You NEED support- and I understand about your faith and relationship with God getting you through.
    I have gotten back into my spiritual studies too...

    We all suffer from a lack of self respect I think- at least when we are in the initial stages of this process.

    If you are a Christian, you know that you are already forgiven- and if God forgives you, who are you to NOT?
    Therefore, you really have to...because God knows all, and knows you are a worthy and beautiful (flawed but aren't we all?)
    Human being (Ack- my phone won't let me change the capital H). So- forgive youself- we have choices here- free will-and for me, my life is better when I don't beat myself up.

    Ok- gotta fill up my doggie's pool and smother him with attention

    DL

  25. #25
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Ok coming to the close of day eight. I've felt a little anxious today and have low energy. I will admit I felt some cravings when I was feeling anxious. Feel lonely and alone in my own mind if that makes sense? Glad the day is almost over. Will be working tomorrow and Sunday night. I guess at least my mind will be oppupied. Although, work for me actually does present some temptation due to my position. If I can make it through without diverting than I will be thankful to God. Phew!! I said it!

    Ann

  26. #26
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Ok day number 9! Yesterday evening was the worst yet for cravings and my Fibro was acting up which has been a trigger for me many times that I deserve to medicate myself. I put my headphones in a listened to music for hours and went to sleep. Have work tonight so that will keep me busy, just wish some energy would come back. Of course, being tired is also part of Fibro so it's hard for me to tell which is which? Well if anyone out there feels like chiming in, I'm all ears. All are welcome at my house, but I'm only offering coffee and donuts!! )
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  27. #27
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    I heard "donuts"...
    Hahaha... Love it, your sense of humor is back!
    And day 9? Awesome! You should be over the worst of it by now for sure. The energy will come back, no worries. I hear ya on the Fibro, sorry you have to deal with that.
    I remember two years ago, a woman named jammymommy was raving about a book, something like what your doctor won't tell you about fibro? I may be wrong about title, but please do look into it. It basically was about cutting gluten and other dietary ways to deal with this thing.
    Anyway, just wanted to post and say i'm always reading, and I'm extremely proud of your efforts.
    And, my cousin is a nurse. Soft spot there :-)
    Be mentally prepared at work, ok?
    We're here whenever you need it :-)
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  28. #28
    dogluver is offline Member
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    Hi Ann,

    Gosh- I read your words and know EXACTLY how you feel. All I can say is that it will pass...and as time goes on the cravings get less and less...all you have to do is not use and you will climb that mountain.

    I told a friend I was glad I wasn't analcoholic...jeez- if Norcos were available all over the place that would be so freaking HARD!

    Hope you have a good day~
    DL

  29. #29
    justjess is offline Member
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    Just wanted to say great job Ann! I have been following your thread and its really helped me a lot. I was a nurse but I haven't worked for 7 months. Been on unemployment. Im not sure if I will ever be able to do it again.
    I am on Day 3 and its horrible. Today the only reason I didn't relapse is because I found a friend named melissa on here and its her b-day. If she hasn't relapsed then im not either. At least thats what I keep telling myself. I am taking it hour by hour but its 11:56 pm here so Im very proud that I about to make it to Day 4. Anyway, great job. You've so got this!
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  30. #30
    Anon1969 is offline New Member
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    Hi everyone sorry I haven't posted, been working and sleeping. Today is day 12!!! I made it through at work by doing the next right thing as Dog would say. See I've read many posts that have inspired me and made me take a good hard look at myself. DL thanks for your continued support. WE thank you for following along and I am so proud of you as well. I have no idea how you do what you do and no one came over to share my donuts so I ate them all by myself, ha!! Jess, the decision to go back into Nursing is a big one and very personal. I could def understand if you didn't. I have often contemplated doing something else but it just gets ingrained into you, ya know? I have been scared for a while now of getting caught or being drug tested. I've also wanted to look for a better job but have been unable to because I did not have script for the narcs. Sooo now I can finally start thinking about dusting off that resume of mine and seeing what I can find. But I don't want to rush things, I want to be comfortable in my own skin before I try to go to interviews if that makes sense? Keep on doing what you're doing and keep posting. Love to all, good night

    Ann

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