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How to help addict boyfriend?
I'm at a loss and really don't know what to do. My boyfriend is addicted to >>>>>>. He's been using for about a year, but the addiction has really gotten bad over the past 6 months or so. I recently found out that I'm pregnant. He keeps saying he'll quit before the baby's born, but I'm sure he's just saying that to get me off his back for a little bit. I just don't know what to do. I want him to get help so I can depend on him and he can be involved. He's been supportive and went to all of my doctor appointments with me. He's 19 and in college. He doesn't live with his parents, but they pay a lot of his bills. They don't know what's going on. They know something's up, but the have no idea it's this bad. He avoids them for the most part now. Do I tell them? Maybe pressure from more people would help? I just don't want to make him angry and push him in the wrong direction. I'm just really scared and so frustrated. I don't know anyone who has been through this. Any suggestions?
Originally Posted by KylieS
The first place to turn is to some meetings of Naranon or Alanon; these are the 12-step groups for folks who have a loved one with an addiction. Here's some links to finding local meetings:
You alone can not make him get clean. The desire to get clean has to come from the addict. But that does not mean that you can not do anything to help this process along. Generally, addicts are able to keep up their drug use because they have other people in their lives who (unknowingly) help to make it possible for them to use. These are "enablers" - and that includes anyone near the addict who helps them to keep from feeling the full consequences of their drug use. If you (or his parents) pay his bills, make excuses for him, or take up his responsibilities because he's neglecting them - you're enabling him to continue.
Basically, anyone around the addict is affected by their drug use. And those around are "pulled into" the vortex of this powerful disease. So no one remains neutral and untouched. But you have the choice to either be part of the problem - or part of the solution.
The path to becoming part of the solution lies in learning more about this disease and how you're enabling him - and then stopping those behaviors. That's where Alanon or Naranon come into play. I urge you to attend some meetings, and you'll understand this much better. In time, you may be in a place to let him family know - and invite them to join you in Alanon. The more the enablers STOP what they're doing, the more the addict has to feel the results of their drug use. And that is when they become willing to seek recovery. Until then, everyone else is taking up the slack - and he is not realizing what is happening. He can justify or minimize, as he's not feeling the consequences of what he's been doing.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
I had/have a similar situation. Going to Naranon has helped me a lot!
To say this is hard is an understatement. You are most likely very isolated because you are keeping his secret to protect him. As Ruth said, keeping the secret is only helping him be able to continue to use because there are no ramifications.
There is nothing you can do to help him get clean. You need to set boundaries that you can live with (i.e., he isn't around you or the baby when he's using, etc). That is a personal decision and it is very important to stick to your boundaries. You can't cut slack here, because then you are once again enabling.
This is very hard.....and I am not sure if gets easier. But we are told in Naranon that we shouldn't project and should live for today. It is a long road, and I wish you luck. Please get to some meetings.
Yes, you should disclose his situation and try to send him to treatment. Also you should try your best for addict him to you and your coming baby.
Yes, I do feel pretty isolated. For a long time, I think I was the only one (besides a few "friends" who also use) that knew he was doing this. It was easier for him to hide it in the beginning. After a while, people started noticing something, but I would always make excuses for him or try to lessen whatever it is they thought he was doing. I would deny anything when asked, or just play dumb. I always knew it wasn't what I should be doing, but at the same time, I didn't want to tell anyone. Then he started avoiding certain people because he knew they'd find out. About a week ago a few of his friends asked me what was going on with him and they figured out what it was. I didn't deny it or try to cover up for him like I usually do. So, I guess those friends tried to talk to him about it, but he wasn't going to talk about, of course. He won't tell me what they said. He just wanted to know what I had told them. I told him they figured it out on their own because it's obvious!
Originally Posted by so_confusedinnj
I feel like it will be so hard to set boundaries and stick to them. I don't know if I'll be able to do that. I just want him around. I'm sure to anyone who hasn't been in this situation I probably sound crazy. If he's willing to actually be there, I don't want to tell him he can't be. But I know that setting boundaries is what I have to do, and honestly having him around when he's using, especially once the baby is here, really isn't healthy at all anyway. It's like I know what to do, but I just can't do the right thing.
Sometimes, when we can't 'do the right thing' for our own well-being, we are able to do that same thing when it's for our child. Motherhood creates within us an incredible "warrier" to protect our children - a love that goes beyond any other. There have been times in my life when it's next to impossible for me to stand up for myself - but I could for my children. Your innocent, precious baby deserves the best possible chance in life, and growing up with an addicted father will handicap him/her for life. I pray you can think and act for him or her. God bless.
Originally Posted by KylieS