[kilkee30]

Hello,
I would like to share what's going through my head right now - if someone has some advise for me, please type away... If no one wants to comment - that's fine too...

My husband is smoking pot. Yes, I know it's not the worst drug out there and many people believe it's harmless, but I don't think it is harmless, I believe it can cause damage to the user and definitely to their environment - after all, it's illegal for a reason.

Anyway, I'm married for 7 years now and my husband already smoked when we met. He said smokes since he is about 16 and now he is twice that age. When he asked me to marry him, he swore that he will never ever touch a drug again. And god, was I dumb to believe him.

Since the moment we moved in together, he lied about his smoking. He hid drugs everywhere in the apartment, his car, his office (!!!). He had drugs delivered by mail, in person, to his work, to our apartment, to his parents house.

At first I was tolerant and understanding. He seemed to make an effort not to smoke as much and slowly get away from it. Again - god, was I dumb!

Now, 7 years later, he is still smoking and I think nothing I ever do or say will change that. I honestly can't say if he is smoking more or less - I want to believe less, because I'm making it hard on him to hide drugs. If I come across them, I throw them away. I know where and how he is hiding them, I know how pot looks and smells and although I'm not showing good judgement by being with an addict, I'm definetely not an idiot.

What bothers me the most and what hurts me the most are the lies and the denial. Today, after my husband left to meet his parents for lunch, I decided to take out the trash. I went in the bathroom, took out the trashbag and immediately smelled it. I only had to lift one piece of tissue and there it was - a left over joint. I called my husband and asked him about it. He denies it - he says he didn't smoke, he doesn't know what I'm looking at, it can't be pot, he is not smoking anymore, etc etc. He even went so far to say that I'm making this up, because I don't want him to spend time with his parents. Going even further, he hinted (not said, just hinted), that since it is not his and since I'm the only other person there.... Now, he is spending the next couple of days at his parents' house, because he doesn't hear my unfounded accusations.

That is something I can't handle - he is caught, I have the drugs in my hand and he won't admit it. He just won't. When we first got married, at least he admitted it. Now, for the last couple of months, he won't. I can smell it - he says he can't and I'm imagening things. I can see it in his behaviour - again, I'm imagining things. I'm holding the joint in my hand - if he is away, I'm making things up. If he is actually here, then it must be really old and he completely forgot about it even being there.

He will never get help and I know it. He will never stop and I know it. He's not admitting his problem to me, his parents or anyone else. Why would he - he doesn't have a problem and only because I think he has doesn't make it so.

[Eha1215]

Kilkee30,
I could say that I relate to what you're going through though in my situation I wasn't married to the guy. He too has an addiction to pot that he's been "trying" to quit for the past couple years yet it has only gotten worse and worse. The lies and secrets led to no real intimacy between us, a constant paranoia from my part because although I always felt something wasn't quite right he was very good at coming up with excuses and my love blinded me from seeing his statements as what they were...lies, excuses and plain old bs... him and I have had a relationship of 5 years since we were teenagers and up to a month ago I still had hope that he would dump the habit and stop with the lies and deceit.
I had to let it go in order to begin to live my life better and focus on myself...because consantly feeling fooled, disrespected, humilliated and confused can really take a toll on us as individuals ( I almost lost scholarships and the opportunity of getting a degree, I lost the trust of people that I love and truly love me, lost a lot of money, and felt exhausted and unmotivated...after all the person I loved and trusted the most was backstabbing, lying, and making me feel bad and stupid all the time).
In my opinion, if you feel like he will never get help then you might be right. After all, after being with someone so long you already know certain behaviors and things. Especially when he doesnt feel he doesnt have a problem. That was the problem with my boyfriend too, and I'm sure he still doesnt feel he has one. As a matter of fact, I find it that they use that argument quite often to try to get us to accept them along with their habits. Be careful... from my experience addicts are masterminds at manipulation and guilt trips. My boyfriend often made me feel like my beliefs, ideas, morals, and perspective were wrong and I fell for it. I was no longer being myself when I began to doubt my own beliefs and morals...and that led to a feeling that I was missing something and constant depression and confusion. You're right about not being stupid...don't let him make you believe something that your reasoning is telling you what it really is. Don't let him turn around the tables and you end up saying I'm sorry when he's the one that is lying, hiding, deceiving and hurting YOU. Keep in mind that you can't change who he is...only he can and it seems that he's not willing to do so.