First time I said that was October 7, 2009. I was successful in kicking a cocaine habit that go around but sadly relapsed on the pain pills when I got home from a 30 day stay at rehab. Now I am going round 2 with it. Today is day 7 of being clean. My former daily diet of 24 (50 mg) tramadol pills a day has been replaced with suboxone. And what a week it's been. I think I have had every imaginable emotion out there and then some. Lots of that new found emotion I call " yellowbrick road blues". (Lots of bad stops on the way to something good) You know that feeling of fear, anxiety, loneliness and depression all wrapped up in one. I went back to work yesterday. My first day at work without popping pills to make it through the day. I was so scared. I thought god how will I be able to work? I wont lie it was rough. Not because I felt bad or anything like that. It was like my first day at a new job. I had adjusted myself over the 10 years to do my job high and it?had been so long I couldn't remember how to do it sober. But I made it through the day. Even though I didn't get a lot of work done by the end of the day I was pretty well adjusted. And you know what? It was a great day. And today was even better. I will win the battle this time. The infamous "I will do it this time, after all I have nothing to lose" stands true with me because I pretty much lost everything my last go around. Including my best friend and husband of 20 years who couldn't forgive me. I have a lot of pain and guilt that I live with on a daily basis. I have learned that addiction does not discriminate nor does it take a back seat to anything.