Help is the pain real or am I an addict

[benu]

About 7 years ago at the age of 24 oxycottin became my evil friend. As most people at the time I had no real idea the road it would take me on but I soon found out. After a little more than a year I was at about 160 mg a day snorting it. Money or supply was never really a problem but for friends/co-users around me it was. I saw what they would go through and chopped it up to mental weakness and I believed I would not go through the same extremes. The supply dried up and many good people/co-users lifes became destroyed. My best friend at the time still sits in prison to this day from the choices he made to deal with his problem. I was lucky and opened up to loved ones. It was the worst two weeks of my life and the day to day desire lasted a long time. Even with many chances I never tried to get high again. I never forgot the pain, sweats, anxiety, or my good friend in prison.
About 18 months ago I was having knee pain due to daily work conditions and without any thought took some of my wifes pain medication she had to help me get through the day. It worked that day and the next and the next you get the picture. I never took them to get high but I took them, sometimes prior to the pain I new was coming. Before I knew it I needed (10) 10mg loritabs to get through the day. I quit a couple times along the way dealing once again with the detox. I treated the detox symtoms as my punishment. But each time through detox and weeks after my pain would return. I saw a doctor and was instantly treated like an addict, discusted with his attitude I have not been back. Due to cost I now have been taking about 15mg to 20mg of methadone a day for about six months. Again about 3 times I have stopped using methadone due to my fears about it in readings. I found I had to decrease my dose over a week or so and then needed xyanex for a few days but for the most part detox wasn't near as bad as with oxy or loritab. But again the pain returns to my knees and somewhat in my back. I played a lot of contact sports and raced BMX bikes into my early twenties. I'm 31 now and I don't want to believe this pain is now mine to live with. My son is almost three I want do all the things a dad should do with his son but the pain hinders it. But because of my history doing something for the pain makes me feel like I'm an addict. I'm writing this because after three weeks with nothing my pain returned full force and now again I'm self medicating with heavy guilt and a need for some helpful advise or thoughts. I have not gone back to my loved ones in fear of disapointment, disbelief, and the same basic responce I got from my doctor. If you took the time to read this thank you its something I really needed to get out. And thank you for your responce if any.

[Robert_325]

One of the prices we pay for playing most sports at a competitive level for many years is knee and back problems. I played lots of sports and competed in racquetball tournaments for 20 years along with all the intense working out regimens. Have had five knee operations alone. I know sports pain. That is how I originally became really dependent to opiates. Was taking 30 30mg Roxies a day at one point. You have to decide if you are willing to give up your life for the pills or stop it. So I have a little pain .. sometimes more than a little. But I deal with it. Take anti-inflammatories .... Ibuprofen, Naproxen whatever. No it doesn't work like oxy but it isn't supposed to. You have to decide how you want to live, if your child is going to have a father. We have to become able to deal with the pain that is the result of our earlier decisions to play high contact sports or live as an addict. The fact that the pain comes from sports doesn't justify the opiate addiction to me. I found that once I decided to learn to live with a little pain that the level of the pain actually decreased. I refused to give it anymore control over me and I think that helped. At least I don't think about it or allow myself to pay attention to it as much. Good luck.

[Cats Meow]

Is the pain real, or are you an addict? Probably both, the problem is one of control, you can't limit yourself to 3 or 4 - 5mg or 10mg pills per day, so you shouldn't be taking pain meds. Your problem goes beyond pain relief, you crave the euphoria too.
Had you never abused opioids, were opioid naive, saw a doctor, the 3 5mg Vics per day would suffice.
You're not a bad person because you're a pain pill addict, you just don't have the self control to be on them, so you shouldn't, you know what it's done to you in the past, and where the road leads.
Like Robert wisely suggested, you're better off using OTC NSAIDS, and by doing traditional PT therapy things like icing, heat wraps, wearing a brace, and abstaining from doing things that aggravate the pain. Your pain will end up stabilizing, once your brain is conditioned that it won't be getting it's opiates, your own endorphins will kick in, and you won't have any cravings, it shouldn't even occur to you.
Benu, try not to rationalize the need for narcs, your true pain should be low level enough, that you can get by, millions of people have some pain that they live with, after awhile you really do forget about it, then lead a normal, drug free, active life. Opioids and the thought of them will make the pain worse, it's the addict brain thing you need to fight more then the knee pain itself.
Good luck to you.
Cats

[Retrouser]

Hey mate, a few days ago I basically posted the almost exact same story.

4 years back, my mom gave me a single 5 mg Vicodin which basically had me drooling on the couch and watching pretty colors on tv. I was like, omg, there are things out there that can do this?

Thus I guess started my abuse of pain killers. It started out taking Vicodin for fun then I just started to take whatever I could find. Mainly Vikes. I went from Vikes right to OC's and Morphs. Domes when I could get a hold of them. I'd snort two 100mg's of Morphs or 180mgs of OC's. I'd go on a huge bender, like a week of nothing but taking OC's, Domes, and Morphs. I could actually feel/see my tolerance get built up, it sucked.

Then, uh oh. Woke up one morning with a horrible back ache. Went a few days with no relief in sight. Got an MRI and found out I have spinal stenosis. So, doctor puts me on Vicodin. I sorta laugh at myself because, well, it's Vicodin! I mean, hell, my friend and I took 12 of them each, crushed in a shot of Jack Daniels. So, it didn't do too much.

Luckily, Tramadol helps me out a lot. But, it is almost a conditioned response. I decided the other day, actually after posting this to try to detox myself. The withdrawals were nothing compared to the actual pain my leg was giving me. I went 36 hours before I said, Okay, I haven't slept, I seriously sat on the edge of my bathtub with my head down and I had a puddle of sweat forming and I was freezing.

But I look at it this way. Yes, I'm addicted/dependent on the pills, but, I'm not stealing, I'm not letting it get in the way of my relationships/work/school. In fact, it helps me keep my life so wonderful because it gets rid of my pain. They have these drugs out there to help get rid of pain. That's what they are called; Pain Killers. They just are easy as hell to abuse.

But basically, yeah, like I said, sometimes the pain is a conditioned response from doing repetitive actions. Like, I keep my pills in the kitchen. Every time I go into the kitchen, I feel maybe a little extra pain in my back, or every time we pass a Walgreens I feel a sense of relief because that's where I get my pain relief. I'm almost certain if I was given a Placebo, my pain would decrease a bit. And also, don't forget, since you are giving your body an excess of endorephines, your body is gonna try to regulate itself, so, it's gonna turn off any of it's own endorphines. But unfortunately, it takes a long time for the body to re-regulate itself so it will hurt more after you stop taking the pills.

And I hate to go against Robert, 'cause he's very knowledgeable, but, we're both really young. I'm 22, 23 in 3 days. I don't want to deal with ANY pain. I'm too young to deal with pain. I want to live life to the fullest and if taking a pill right now is gonna help, I'm all for it. If I were you, I'd maybe find a specific pill (there are many many out there in many many doses) that kills your pain but doesn't make you tired. Mine is Tramadol. And if you do decide to do this route, make sure you're willing to have the willpower to actually not abuse the pills anymore because then, you will become a horrible addict and still be in pain because your doctor won't refill your script. (I've had that happen in the beginning)

Either way man, good luck and, I know there is a stigma around pain pills, but, if you are honestly all in good truth in pain, your family members/loved ones will want you to do something to get out of it. Hell, I still get "I am better than thou" tone when I pick up my script at the drugstore. Especially since I am 22. My mom was on the Vikes for I think about 5 years before I even knew she was taking them. So, I don't know why you couldn't be with your son while taking the meds.

[benu]

Thank you all
I know I have to make some important disisions. It is unfortunate that in most things in life the bad comes with the good. My mom always told me life isn't fair. Your right everyone must live with some form of pain its called getting old. I guess I just figure 31 was a little early to start feeling old. Again thank you for the responce it helps getting things out on the table in any form, the weight on the shoulders starts getting a little lighter.
I look forward to hearing more and sharing some positive progress.

Oh a little tech support on the methadone. I have read all sorts of info from loss of resperation of course, but more on the lines of heart issues and I have heard about organ shutdown during detox, along with a mess of rumers. I am at 10 to 15 mg a day sometimes 20 if it has been a rough day at work. Is most of the things I hear in relation to it dealing with higher dose cases like 100mg +++ per day. Should I be concerned at 10 to 15 mg? and why does 10mg of methadone give me releif with no real high which is fine, and before the methadone I needed 2 or 3 10mg loratab to kill the pain and it would make me vertically impared.