[thumpa125]

This was one of my last resorts, I just don't know what to do anymore - I have no one to talk to about this and no one that I know of that I could ask for advice.
My husband has become a true addict - it started out with beer and marijuana, which lead to beer and cocaine and marijuana - then he went to a Dr. and got diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety & Depression. He's been taking Paxil and Adderall, on top of the drugs for a few years now. The beer and cocaine has now lead to beer, crack cocaine and an addiction to all pain meds including Oxycontin, Vicodin, and Percocet - which he does not just swallow - he crushes them up with cocaine and smokes the pain killers like crack. If that wasn't bad enough, he's not coming home until 4am most nights - bought a "secret (from me)" phone to call his drug dealers and to have phone sex nightly with strangers. I found a drug/sex den upstairs in his garage with so much porn he could put Amazing.net out of business. Yet refuses to have sex with me for the past 10 months. We've been married for 10 years now. It has gotten to the point where I can no longer pay bills.
On the one hand, I hate him for destroying me emotionally and mentally. For cheating and lying to me, for caring more about himself and his drugs more than our past or future.
On the other hand, I'm Catholic and still hold onto the "death do us part, sickness and health"...I feel so unbelievably guilty for wanted to leave him. It feels like I should stay and help him somehow. It feels like I'm abandoning him. I asked him for a divorce last week and presented him with papers to sign, which he won't. He's making me feel like I'm abandoning him - but I feel lost - it feels like I have nothing left in me to help him. He doesn't want help, he says he's too scared of "cleaning up" and he just wants to be left alone to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, with who he wants (exact quote there). Yet he's now pissed at me for wanting a divorce.
I just don't know what to do anymore...are there any addicts out there, or people who've been through this that can tell me whether or not we have a chance at saving this? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Am I just wasting life? Does he truly want help and how do I give it???? Please respond with any advice.

[hatelove percs]

which personality is this one?

[tamara02]

Hi Is this bretts wife or is this brett or his crazy double,Tamm

[thumpa125]

quote:Originally posted by tamara02

Hi Is this bretts wife or is this brett or his crazy double,Tamm

Sorry, not sure what you're talking about here, but I'm not Brett, his wife or Tamm...I'm new to this site and as far as I know, I don't know anyone on it

[thumpa125]

quote:Originally posted by hatelove percs

which personality is this one?

Sorry, not sure what you're talking about, but I think you're posting to the wrong person.

[Vcamo]

I'm sure this lady is not Brett, his crazy wife or that other crazy person and has no idea of what you're talking about. I believe what she wrote is true and she's just asking for some advice.

We can't assume that every new person who starts a new thread is one of those crazy people.

thumpa, I have never lived with a drug addict so I really can't give you any advice. Maybe once these other people on here realize that you aren't the crazy person they think you are they might be able to help you.

[hatelove percs]

ok VCAMO perhaps u r right. i have experience with this as my boyfriend is a recovering crack addict. it seems to go hand in hand with the pornography as crack enhances the receptors in your brain that cause pleasure, making sex practices a hundred times more intense. with all the things your husband is taking he is in real danger. you especially do not want to contribute to it by such as giving him a special phone to make his deals with. i won't even get into the illegalities of what he is bringing into your home, but i will tell you that you will also go to prison because you have custody of the substance also by having it in your home and allowing it to be there. you need to get him to a treatment facility as this will very likely be his only hope. crack is one of the most addictive substances and there is just no way to break him of this on your own, trust me i've been there, even if he wants to do it he will not be able to without help and inpatient treatment. my boyfriend has been in 8 treatment facilities. he now sees a therapist, goes to NA three times a week, is on probation, goes to a group meeting twice a week, and still manages to slip up.

[hatelove percs]

ok VCAMO perhaps u r right. i have experience with this as my boyfriend is a recovering crack addict. it seems to go hand in hand with the pornography as crack enhances the receptors in your brain that cause pleasure, making sex practices a hundred times more intense. with all the things your husband is taking he is in real danger. you especially do not want to contribute to it by such as giving him a special phone to make his deals with. i won't even get into the illegalities of what he is bringing into your home, but i will tell you that you will also go to prison because you have custody of the substance also by having it in your home and allowing it to be there. you need to get him to a treatment facility as this will very likely be his only hope. crack is one of the most addictive substances and there is just no way to break him of this on your own, trust me i've been there, even if he wants to do it he will not be able to without help and inpatient treatment. my boyfriend has been in 8 treatment facilities. he now sees a therapist, goes to NA three times a week, is on probation, goes to a group meeting twice a week, and still manages to slip up.

[Baby Steps]

Hello Thumpa... Please forgive the mistaken identity by the girls... They are just like the neighborhood forum watch for this freak that makes up unbelievable stories and to be honest your story seems extremely difficult with all he's done to this point. I am so so sorry you have to go through this...

The biggest problem I believe you face is he doesn't appear to be the one who wants to quit and that has to be the first step. Your position is to be of complete support to help him to find the right places to go and be encouraging through his w/d and ups and downs. I say this because you will have no idea of the hell he is facing. And I mean Hell! With all he's on. And it would be really hard for you to understand. That's why I suggest you go to the forum I mentioned and read up on what it's like. The great news is.... There is hope and it can be done.

IF he is ready I believe you two have a chance however IF he doesn't he'll continue to use. Please look into Suboxone for him. This is something that will get him off his drugs without the horrible withdrawal etc... But there are things you need to know about it and the website will help you. Please stay in touch with us and hop over to the Painkiller Addiction forum which is where we all are for support. There is a TON of knowledge over there! Maybe have your husband start reading it as well.

I will Pray for you and your peace and strength through God and hold on to the hope. And by the way, God doesn't like divorce however he says nothing about separating to help repair the marriage. That would def. be the last resort because I think if you get enough information to give him hope that he can do this I think he will go for it.

Peace and God Bless

Hugz,

Baby Steps

Clean Date 01/12/07

[step4u]

With all the mixture of the meds and other things, I do believe its contributing to your husband's behavior. I am currently separated from my husband of 12 years, who has been taking Paxil since August 2007. We separated in January, because he became this whole different person who shows no emotions for that matter. It has destroyed my marriage, and I'm not one who believes in divorce. I have tried on numerous occassions to ask him to see his doc about switching to something else. His moods with me since he's been on Paxil are horrible. He thinks he's fine. He use to be this honest person. His Doc prescribe this medication for his anxiety and depression. I didn't know much about this drug until I read up on it early February, when it was too late. I am worried for him, its been emotionally and financially hard for me being strong for my 4 kids. I have been told that he needs to clean off this Paxil at a detox. All I want is my old husband to back before he started this hellish drug. With this court stuff, I don't know what it will lead him to do. Because he doesn't listen to anyone.

[vduda]

Step,

The SSRI's are a dangerous group of medications. My doctor tried to put me on Paxil many years ago for an Anxiety Disorder I have had since I can remember. I stayed on it for almost for two months and it literally made me go insane. Suicidal thoughts consumed me. I became depressed and felt like I was empty. The one medication that works for my Anxiety are the benzodiazepines. One problem is that they are so addicting or you become dependent. I been on one form of benzo for 20 yrs. In my twenties I was prescribed 40 mg a day of diazepam. I took only 20mg because that's all I needed. It worked great for me. No buzz, did not give me a hangover and I never really felt it taking effect. Then the doctors switched me to Xanax when I turned thirty. I have no idea why. Well at the same time I began taking large amounts of prescribed opiates. My Xanax intake increased to 40 to 50 mg a day. Insane. And my opiate use was mind boggling. This went on until just 8 months ago when I went through Detox a second time in the last 3 yrs. I been off the opiates for almost 8 months, thanks be to God. Moreover, I was able to stay off the benzos for 4 and a half months, but I was in constant withdrawals. I couldn't work because of seizures, nausea, diarrhea, muscle spasms, "electric shock syndrome", crippling insomnia and many other symptoms. My doctor placed me on the long acting diazepam and in a couple of days I was feeling so much better. After two weeks I felt like a new person. My doc referred me to a psychiatrist who has me on a medicinal dose of diazepam and is tappering me off a very small amount of Xanax(1 Mg). I stopped taking the Xanax altogether last week and went back into withdrawals. Assumed the diazepam would counter the lack of Xanax in my system. That was a mistake. And in those four and half months I did not take any benzos I felt that I was going to die. In fact, I had made arrangements for my daughter to be taken care of, made a will signifying which people would get my personal items and so on. The all or nothing mentality that this culture fosters in accordance with meds/drugs is very dangerous. For the record, I am not addicted to Benzos, but I have become dependent. My doctors explained to me that I did so much damage to my CNS over the years that I may need to stay on this med the rest of my life. If I could I would throw them in the trash. I don't crave them, in fact I go as long as I can without taking them and sometimes I push it to the limit and end up having a seizure. So may girlfriend has taken it upon herself to dispense my meds to me. It frightens her to see me have my seizures and I don't blame her. You can die! But I just hate the fact that I have done this thing to myself. On the other hand, it controls my Anxiety and panic attacks. So it is a quality of life issue. I hope your husband comes back to you whole. He may need to take a med for his Anxiety and I would recommend a long acting benzo. I am a person of faith, but somethings you just need to deal with in this world and sometimes you need to take medication for your condition. God Bless

VJ

[Harston]

Advice: Dump him like a hot potato. You're not going to fix him only he can fix himself. I know this sounds flippant and cruel but I've been down this road more than once and learned a great deal from my own experiences with addicts. By keeping him your only feeding his addiction.

Dilema: Your catholic so the whole "till death do us part" thing comes in.

Solution: Talk to a priest of your faith and explain the situation and see what he has to say. I think it quite likely that they might condone a divorce. I've known a few catholics that believe in what you do that were told by the local church that a divorce was really the only option for them.

[vduda]

Harston,

How is this "constructive advice"? It seems that people with your attitude always wants to take the easy way out. That is her husband and they have children. I believe this should be a last resort. And as a person who was abandoned by his wife when I needed her the most I feel very strongly against your position. There are several avenues that can still be explored before divorce. Thank God I had loving family and friends to help see me through my darkest hours. In my humble opinion, "Dump him like a hot potato" is horrible advice. It is negative and without hope. Because of God and the love for my girlfriend, daughter, mother, and real friends I have stayed off the opiates for almost 8 months. If I would have been dropped like a hot potato by everyone I would be dead. Where man faulters God overcomes...Sorry but I respectively disagree with you. God Bless

[renolds917]

I am so sorry to see your "story" You need to try some kind of counciling or leave him and have a life of your own. GOOD LUCK

[vduda]

Did you guys miss the point that the med Paxil is the culprit for her husbands behavior change. This med really screws you up. I tkink the goal should be to wean him off this piece of s#$t med. If he is still screwed up, then entertain other options. A little compassion please. God Bless

VJ

[ymccormack]

I'm going to give my standard speech here....

thumpa...he's not going to change until he gets help and he won't get help until he really wants it.

In the meantime, don't let him drag you down with him. Consider separating from him....with the understanding that you will be there for him if and when he decides to get help.

He may need to hit rock bottom...and you are probably providing small bits of assistance like paying bills, cooking dinner and doing his laundry that are preventing that from happening.

It's like the oxygen mask on the airplane....they tell you to put yours on before you put your child's on because you need to be conscious for the child.

In your case...you need to not get dragged down in his mess so that, when he's ready for help, you'll be able to get him that help and give him the support.

I'm sorry you're in this situation....keep us posted.

YM