| || |
Help my boyfriend is a drug addict and lying!
Help my boyfriend is a drug addict and lying!
MY BOYFRIEND AND I STARTED DATING ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO. WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING HE TOLD ME HE USED TO HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM. HE TOLD ME HE WAS IN AND OUT OF REHAB FOR COCAINE. I FOUND OUT THAT HE LIED TO ME AND WAS A >>>>>>E ADDICT FOR MANY YEARS. A MONTH AFTER WE STARTED DATING HE TOLD ME HE TOOK PAIN KILLERS NOW AND THAN TO FEEL GOOD. I FOUND OUT THAT THE PAIN KILLERS HE WAS TAKING WERE ROXY.. HE STARTED USING THEM EVERYDAY AND LYING TO ME ABOUT IT. HE HASNT DONE >>>>>>E IN A YEAR SUPPOSEDLY. HIS PARENTS CAUGHT ON THAT HE WAS DOING ROXY AND THEY THREATENED TO KICK HIM OUT. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO STOP USING THEM. THAN A COUPLE WEEKS LATER I CAUGHT HIM SNIFFING SOMETHING ELSE. HE TOLD ME IT WAS ZANAX. I DONT BELIEVE HIM. HIS EYES ARE ALWAYS GLASSY HIS PUPILS ARE SMALL AND HE IS ALWAYS ITCHY. NOW HE BEEN USING THE EXCUSE TO ASK ME TO TAKE HIM TO GET WEED. HE BEEN ASKING ME TO TAKE HIM TO TRENTON NJ.. IF NOONE KNOWS WHAT THAT IS ITS A BAD AREA WITH ALL CRACK ADDICTS. I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM THAT THATS WHAT HE WAS GETTING SO YESTERDAY WHEN WE GOT BACK I LOOKED THROUGH HIS PHONE AND HIS FRIEND TEXTED HIM I CAN GET THE GOOD ******************** 13 FOR 80 DOLLARS.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT COULD BE. I WANTED TO KNOW IF ANYONE MIGHT KNOW. EVERYTIME WE LEFT TRENTON HE WOULD TAKE A BOTTLEOF WATERANDRUN INTO THE BATHROOM. THAN I FOUND THE CAP OF A PEPSI BOTTLE IN A DUFFLE BAG PLACED BETWEEN TWO PAIRS OF CLOTHES. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.. I REALLY LOV HIM AND I KNOW HE IS A GOOD PERSON. I DONT KNOW IF HE CAN STOP OR CHANGE. I CANT TRUST HIM TO EVEN GO OUT WIT HIS FRIENDS. THEY ARE ALL DRUG ADDICTS .. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WALK BUT ITS SOOOO HARD. PLEASE ANYONE WHOMIGHT HAVESOME ANSWERS PLEASE WRITEBACK!
All you can do is express your concern and hope he really wants to get clean. Taking him to buy drugs no matter what the drug, isn't going to help him. You are putting yourself at risk as well going to a bad part of town so your boyfriend can buy drugs. You are enabling him. Do not allow him to manipulate you. You have to stand your ground and let him know you will support him as long as he wants to get help.
I am going through a similar situation with my husband, we have been together for just about 10 years, married for 3. He was using Roxy as well and he hid this from me for over a year. I had no idea until one Sunday morning a cop was banging on my window to wake me up so I could pick up my son (10 month old) and my car because my husband had been arrested for possession of Roxy. I was livid.
Once an addict, always an addict. My husband goes to NA meetings and they say one is too many and a thousand is never enough, its so true. Their entire life is centered around getting high at all costs. If you suspect he is lying to you, go with your gut, he probably is, do not give in. Let him know you don't believe him and that you will not enable him.
Sometimes you have to walk away, I am not saying give up on him but there is nothing you can do if he doesn't want to help himself, he has admit he has a problem, and get help. I would suggest sitting him down and talking to him rationally, if you are willing to stick by him, express your concern and see how he reacts. Sounds like his parents have already been through this with him so i am sure he has had the talk many times before. It's really all on him, he has to want this. There is nothing anyone can say or do to force a person into recovery.
Good Luck, I am on this site daily if you'd like to talk.
I wasn't going to weigh in on this- I normally don't. But are you sure you love him? or the IDEA of him. I have BEEN there!!! truly truly I understand. The pain of staying in the situation needs to out-weigh the pain of change. what I mean is-- it needs to be LESS painful for you to change - than to stay. Think of your life before all this. Clearly your BF is pulling you down with him. NOT that you need to leave- that is YOUR discision- I am not in your body. And I never left my bf (in fact- I married him) Long story short- things didn't end well..... extremely bad. the things that happened- well....... I won't bore you. This is something you need to think through- drugs are gunna call him (the `good stuff') will always be there. He has to WANT to change. I just wanted to say that for your own health --- make a choice and stick to it. Tell him you know about his lies- don't let him pull sh*t-- he knows you'll take him to Trenton--- stop. He IS using and using alot by the sound of it. one thing junkies know is how to lie and get away with it-- especially with loved ones! God bless- hang in there- post here- we've all been through similar things and can relate. -h8
Run! Don’t walk! From what you write you seem very lonely and desperate to be loved. You are looking for this from the wrong guy. He loves drugs and himself. He does NOT love you. He loves drugs and being high. He is a liar and a cheat. He is NOT a good guy. He is selfish and immature. He is SICK! Would you want a guy like him to be your father? Would you want your daughter or little sister to marry a guy like this? Do you want this selfish drug addict to be the father to your children? You are worth a lot more than this guy. I don’t care about your past history. No one deserves a guy like this. I beg you to go to your church and get counseling. If you don’t have a church, find a small community church in your neighborhood. There you will find the love and support that you need. You will find the counseling that you need. RUN from this guy. He is an ultimate loser who will soon spend the next five to ten years in prison…. Or dead!
Here's what my wife told me.
Here's what my wife said and did, thus I haven't drank in twenty two years, and we've been married for twenty five. I am an addict; I drank. I don't have to go into detail, because with a few exceptions, my story is probably very much like your boyfriend's. One night I came home wasted. She said, very simply,"I love you. I will always love you, but I will not live with you, nor will I stay married to you if you don't stop." That was it. Beside the fact I went to my first AA meeting drunk, I've been sober ever since. I've had a recent incident with getting off prescription pain meds, but telling my wife everything I was going through, and getting help from this site has made things OK.
Every once in a while I tell her that she saved my life. She says I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. Maybe some day your boyfriend will say the same to you.
thanks for the advice. i dont really know what to do.. i dont know what he is using and i know i am helping him by taking him there. i just dont feel like fighting its tiring. im actually in school now to be a nurse. before i met him i was perfectly fine being single. i was ina five year relationship that didnt end bad and i wanted time to my self to finish school. than i met my current boyfriend and its so hard to walk away because i know that he couldbe a good guy. i am not desperate or lonely. i am happy with or without a guy in my life. i dont know how i can talk to him about this. everytime i tell him i dont want to take him somewhere its a big fight and he threatens to break up with me. and when he says that i dont take him because thats just wrong. i dont know what to do.. should i just walk now or try it out..
Only you can answer that for yourself, my personal opinion is that you have a lot of things going for you and seems that he is bringing you down. You cannot be a nurse if you get busted buying drugs, you are putting your goals and career at stake. Sounds to me like he is using you. An addict only cares about what benefits them and when things don't go their way, it's all downhill and they continue to search for a way to get high.
My best advice to you is to STOP taking him to buy drugs. He can make his own decisions and I am sure he found a way before you. We cannot save the world. He has to WANT to get clean and sounds like he just doesn't care and he is going to continue to use those that care about him most until he finally hits his bottom. I know it's hard to watch someone you care about go down this road, but don't let him drag you with him. I understand how tiring it can be to fight, but it is a fight worth fighting, you cannot roll over and act like this isn't happening. Sometimes you have to use tough love and hope they come around. It doesn't mean you gave up on him. It means that you refuse to enable him to slowly kill himself because you do care.
He needs some serious help and until he is willing to reach out for it or accept it, there really isn't anything you can do, I know it's sad and I wish there was a way we could snap our fingers and bring these people we care about back to reality but it's really all up to them. Good luck in whatever you decide just remember, you have alot to live for and alot to lose.
I found this on another forum, it's so true.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
thanks lost. i appreciate ur help. that letter u posted is soooo good. i am going tomake him read it. thank u so much.. if u have any other advice let me know...thank u1
Keep me posted, I am here almost every day.
Same situaton, men take the p*ss, help!!!!
HIYA, I THINK HE IS DEFINATELY HITTING UP SMACK (>>>>>>) BY THE SOUNDS OF IT & THIS IS WHY HE IS ITCHEY,PIN EYE & TAKING A BOTTLE OF WATER INTO THE BATHROOM WITH HIM TO COOK UP.I AM UNFORTUNATELY CURRENTLY IN THE SAME SITUATION TOO & DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR TWO YEARS & GOT MARRIED L;AST YEAR & HE HAD BEEN A PREVIOUS DDICT FOR YEARS ON & OFF WHEN I MET HIM,BUT HE HAD BEEN CLEAN FOR ABOUT A YEAR. I KNEW IT WOULD BE RISKY GOING OUT WITH HIM BUT HE WAS A NICE GUY & I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM V.QUICK. A FEW MONTHS LATER ALL THE TROUBLE & LYING STARTED & FOR TWO WEEKS I KNEW HE HAD STARTED USING AGAIN. HE BECAME A COMPULSIVE LYER, I WOULDNT DROP IT & PUT UP WITH IT TILL I HAD THE TRUTH, EVENTUALLY AFTER 2 WEEKS OF HELL,ARGUMENTS & HIM BEING VERY NASTY, DEFENSIVE & AGGRESSIVE HE CRACKED & TOLD ME HE HAD GOT A HABIT AGAIN BUT WAS TOO AFRAID TO TELL ME AS HE THOUGHT HED LOSE ME.
ME BEING A NICE PERSON SAID >> HELP HIM THROUGH IT TO STOP AS HE SAID THATS WHAT HE WANTED. HE STOPPED VERY QUICKLEY & EVERYTHING WAS OK,WE GOT MARRIED 2 YEARS LATER & SO ON. THEN HIS BEST MATE WHO HE DIDNT HANG OUT WITH OR THAT BUT HE KNOW QUITE WELL WHO HAD A >>>>>> HABIT, STARTED INJECTING & TOOK HIS HABIT A STAGE FURTHER. THEN I NOTICED BY HUSBAND LYING AGAIN,I NOTICED ALLL THE SIGNS THAT HAPPENED WHEN HE WAS DOING GEAR THE FIRST TIME. AFTER MONTHS OF HELL AGAIN I FOUND HIM ON THE FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM WITH A NEEDLE IN HIS POCKET.I FRIECKED. HE ADMITTED HE HAD DONE IT X3 TIMES THAT WEEK BUT DID NOT HAVE A HABIT,HE SAID HE WAS JUST CURIOUS.I KNEW HE DIDNT HAVE A HABIT AS HE WOULD SPEND 7-10 DAYS WITH ME AT A TIME WITHOUT MY SIGHT. BUT I ENDED IT & KICKED HIM OUT AS I WAS SO ANGRY.
HE CAME BEGGING BACK SAYING HE WOULD CHANGE ETC,I STILL LOVED HIM & TOOK HIM BACK AS A LAST CHANCE THING. THEN MONTHS LATER I NOTICED THAT HE WAS LYING AGAIN HE WOULD BE LATE FROM WORK, CAME WITH BLOOD SOGGEN TROUSERS AT THE BOTTOM & EVEN SEE A NEEDLE MARK ON HIS LEG. I KNEW HE WAS DOING IT BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I WENT ON AT HIM, HE WOULD NOT ADMIT IT, AS I DIDNT HAVE ANY PROOF & NEVER CAUGHT HIM RED HANDED & HED NEVER ADMIT DOING ANYTHING UNLESS I CAUGHT HIM ACTUALLY DOING IT RED HANDED WHICH REALISTICALLY WOULD BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. WE ARGUED & ARGUED & OUR RELATIONSHIP TURNED SOUR BUT I WAS WAITING TO CATCH HIM & THEN THAT WOULD BE IT, SPLIT UP OR WHATEVER.
BUT OBVIOUSLY AS I KNEW I EWOULD NEVER CATCH HIM RED HANDED NO MATTER HOW MANY THIGNS I FOUND & EVIDENCE I SEE.I KNEW HE WAS DOING IT BUT HE WOULD NOT CRACK UP & BE HONEST UNLESS I CAUGHT HIM. SO I JUST KEPT ON AT HIM HOPING ONE DAY HED BREAK. BUT HE DIDNT.IT CARRIED ON ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK FOR MONTHS BUT I KNEW HE DIDNT HAVE A PHYSICAL HABIT WHERE HE HAD TO DO IT EVERYDAY WHICH WAS GOOD.
THEN HE STOPPED FOR NEARLEY A YEAR & EVERYTING WAS GREAT,GOT BETTER |& NO ARGUING ANYMORE & I TRUSTED HIM AGAIN BUT CAN NEVER FORGET THE PAST & SOMETIMES MENTION IT AS IM SOO ANGRY STILL. BUT A WEEK AGO I NOTICED HE TOOK AGES ON A JOB & CAME HOME A BIT MESSED UP.I KNEW HE HAD DONE SOMETHING & QUESTIONED HIM,WE ARGUED AS USUAL & AS USUAL HE WOULDNT ADMIT IT.
SO ITS ALL STARTED AGAIN. HES DONE IT TWICE NOW IN A WEEK & A BIT & I CANT PROVE IT. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME BUT I HONRESTLY THINK HOW CAN HE AS YOU WOULDNT DO THIS TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE WOULD YOU? I CANT UNDERSTAND IT AS HE HASNT GOT AN ACTUAL HABIT OR ADDICTION SO WHY IS HE DOING IT & HE GETS SO ANGRY WITH ALL THE ******************** IT CAUSES & ARGUING & GETS VETY NASTY BLAMING ME FOR IT & TELLING ME I AM WRONG & IM CAUSING THIS, SO IF HE HATES WHAT THIS IS DOING TO US & OUR MARRIAGFE THEN WHY DO YOU THINK HE IS DOING IT,HES NOT EVEN GOT AN ADDICTION?
AND WHAT HURTS ME THE MOST IS THST OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE FROM A FAIRYTALE OF HAPPINESS TO NO SEX, NO AFFECTION, NO TALKING TO A DEPPRESSIVE BALL OF MESS & IM SO FED UP & CANT TAKE IT NO MORE.
THEY LIE SO GOOD & HE IS SUCH A GOOD LYER EVEN THOUGH HE DONT FOOL ME THAT HE AS LIKE MOST LYERS WILL MAKE IT OUT TO BE YOU & TWIST EVERYTHING TO MAKE YOU THINK ITS JUST YOU BEING PARANOID,MAD & CARZY & YOU START TO THINK AM I JUST BEING PARANOID.BUT I KNOW I AM NOT AS IVE SEEN A NEEDLE MARK ET ETC & I KNOW HES JUST TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING ITS JUST ME SO IM OFF HIS BACK & OFF HIS CASE.
PART OF ME WOULD JUST LEAVE HIM BUT I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH SO IM CERTAIN & THEN I CAN MAKE MY MIND UP & WILL PROB KICK HIM OUT. BUT IM NOT WORKING AT THE MOMENT, MY LIFES A MESS COZ OF THIS & >> BE KNACKERED WITHOUT HIS FINANCIAL HELP ETC. SO ITS NOT AS EASY AS KICKING HIM OUT EITHER,OTHERWISE I PROB WOULD MAYBE I DUNNO.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, I know exactly how you feel. My husband has a Roxy habit and is currently in detox as we speak, not voluntary, court ordered and I thought he was clean for 60 days plus. But nope, he wasn't. Such master manipulators they are and the lying is unbearable.
You know what he is doing, why wait and traumatize yourself with actually catching him in the act?
You have been dealing with this for a long time, and you know when you've had your fill. Don't allow him to manipulate you and don't let him drag you down with him. He's got to do this because he wants to and on one else can force him to stop. You can offer consequences and refuse to enable it and refuse to sit back and watch him risk his life with every shot.
I hope you find the strength to do what you know is best in your heart. You can only offer you advice to him, offer to help and be supportive but if he isn't willing to admit that he is using, then unfortunately there is nothing you can do but but what is best for you. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Keep us posted, good luck!
sorry to hear
hey i am so sorry to hear this is going on.. my boyfriend has promised me for months and months things would change.. nothing has changed and to be honest it got worse. i dont think anyone will understand what addicts go through everyday to fight the urge of doing drugs. everyday i think about what i should do.. i am afraid if i leave him he will get clean and things can be good but than again i think if i stay with him things might not change.. ive learned that addicts can be clean for years and alot relapse.. i think everyone who is going through this situation has to think about the future. do u want to be going through this for the rest of ur life? the fear the lies the hurt? i know i dont.. i am a really good person. i am willing to do anything for everyone. i try to help every one thats just me..but also in return i expect the same from my loved one... someone who has a drug problem i dont think can give that back.. i also think about children.. i dont want my kids to be brought up in that kind of life style. its terrible for a child to go through that.. but than i think ok people make mistakes in life and they desrve to be happy too.. but maybe just not with me.. i dont want to live that type of life. i am slowly losing faith in my boyfriend and i dont think thing are going to get better.. i dont know what i am going to do.. i hope u think about everything.. u have to put ur self first.. and stop worrying about them... u cant feel sorry for them anymore.. drug addicts did it all to themselves.. they can change if they really want.. it all depends on the persongood luck and i hope everythig works out
I feel as if tho y"all have been peeking threw my window. No really, I have been with my BF for bout 5 months now. He is a hard worker and a very sweet man. BUT...he's an addict to cocaine. He's always lying to me bout where he's been and what he's doing. He has the nerve to pick me up from work while he's high. It makes my stomach turn knowing he's doing this to himself. Big problem is that NOW that I have decided to finally let go...I'm pregnant! I don't know what to do.
Lexi, you need to find Lost's thread and read it. Warning! Its a long one and I haven't been on here for a few months, so I'm sure its much longer by now. But she is the most wonderful, patient, understanding person I have ever read about. Her life could be yours. But her addict is her husband. You can walk. I'm not being mean, but that is my suggestion. I am also married to an addict. I have a bit of a problem as far as that goes myself. If I was by myself, I could kick this in a heart beat, but being rather co-dependent and having to live with him when he runs out, I always give in. You don't have to live this life. The lies, stealing, stories, questions: where were you? Who were you with? What did you do? where did the money go?, etc. Its not worth it. And you could lose your beautiful future. Take my word for it. If you guys stay together when you graduate, he will be pressuring you to get him RX's. Believe me, it can be done and if you aren't strong enough, you will give in. First it will be "just this one time", then there will be another excuse and another. You guys haven't been together that long. Remember the feeling you had when you broke up with your last guy so you could dedicate yourself to school? You were fine! You were independent, able to live alone, spending your time on studies and school work, not needing anyone. You don't! Please give it some thought. I know its hard.
It's crazy how much I am able to relate to your post. You and I are in a similar situation. My bf and I have been together for over a year. When we met he was 6 months sober, very open about his addiction. He has had a problem for over ten years, constantly in and out of rehab. His main problem is cocaine, closely followed by >>>>>>.
About five months ago, he relapsed. I won't go into details about the ordeal, you can probably guess fairly well, but I was in the same boat as you. Do I stay with him or do I do best for me and leave. I know exactly what you mean when you say you love him and don't want to take the chance of him getting clean and you being gone. I worried about that, too.
I'm in no way suggesting that you should stay with him, nor am I telling you to leave. You have to look after yourself first, though. I swore to myself that if he relapsed I would leave. I didn't, but I kept myself together by leaving him to himself. I told him that I didn't agree with what he was doing, explained to him that he was not only hurting himself, but that he was also hurting me, and told him that he was going to have to decide what was more important to him.
He knew that I was there if he needed me, but for the most part I left him on his own. I figured that if he was going to get clean he would have to decide to do it on his own and take the initiative to start recovery. I went ahead and went to work everyday, went out without him at night; I let him know that I still had a life and that I was going to live it.
After a month or so he decided that he had had enough and started looking into detox. He had already been to most of the ones in the area in previous relapses and wanted to go somewhere different, so it took awhile to get him somewhere, but eventually he went on his own.
He finally realized what he was doing and the negative affects it was having on our lives. He had quit going to work, stopped contact with his family, the bills weren't being paid.. I guess he just realized how quickly he was ruining his life. His main fear before going to detox was that I wasn't going to be home when he got out. He begged me to stay and didn't believe that I would. He admitted that if I left he wouldn't blame me because he knew he had put me through hell. He's on suboxone now, and doing great, but I still worry about him relapsing again. Like you, I wonder whether this is the life I want to live, if I really want to bring children into the world of drugs.
The point of all of this, is that you need to do what's best for your own well-being. If you're going to stay with him, make sure that you look out for yourself. Don't endanger your education or your career because of his habit. He is only going to get clean on his own. He has to really want it and he may have to hit rock bottom to decide that he does. If you decide to leave, maybe he'll realize that the drugs aren't worth losing you and he'll get clean. There are a million different scenarios to any decision that you make. Just make sure that whatever you decide is really what is best for you.
sweetie, i hate to tell you this but the water and the caps in the bathroom mean he is shooting somthing, which can be done to almost anything if you know how, i am a recovering >>>>>> addict, spent 13 yrs in a methadone clinic and just came off oct the 8th of this year, substance free and am back to work taking care of my twins, i kicked 90mgs of methadone cold turkey and it was the hardest thing i have ever done but the most positive. first you need to find out what it is he is doing, it sound like a little bit of evedrything, and do you realize if you are taking him to get the stuff and get stopped your car can get took, if you are not an addict dont risk what you have, i know you love him my family loved me enough to say this is is it we will no longer pay the methadone clinic 65 a wk, or support any habit, pleez dont be an enabler, just tell him enough is enough maybe he needs inpatient treament, it is not gonna be easy but you have to do somthing, if you yourself are not an addict tell him if he cleans up you will support i am telling you what i know,pleez gimme an up date life can be good, good luck it can be done
Originally Posted by lexi14311
This situation isn't exactly the same as the main topic, but it does have to do with a relationship, medicine use, deception and lying.
My brother is taking medicine (same doctor for 6 years) for relief of legitimate back pain, arthritis and cluster headaches. As of today, he also has a pending separation and divorce (they have been together for 22 years, married for 19 of them, have two healthy and happy kids). From what I know, seen and been told through the years, here's what led to it.
Since before they got married, he and his wife have had issues regarding drugs. They used to smoke weed together. She quit and then demanded that he quit as well and threatened to break up if he kept on smoking or lied to her about it, but he wasnt ready to quit. I told him he ought to just break up with her. He told me that he said he loved her a lot and didnt want to lose her.
When she asked him what he'd been doing after he had been at one of his friend's houses, he would not tell her if he smoked weed. If she asked if he did it, he lied and told her "no". He lied, but it was to keep the peace. AT FIRST, HE ALWAYS TOLD THE TRUTH BUT A HUGE AGRUMENT ALWAYS ENSUED SO HE QUIT LETTING HER KNOW. Otherwise, there was total honesty and it seemed like a model relationship. Lying or deception in most situations is totally wrong and unnecessary, but when someone just can't handle the truth constructively, what else can you do (other than get a divorce)?
So...to keep her from being upset, he always hid it from her whenever he smoked pot. He said she had a step dad who lied to her mom about doing drugs like weed and cocaine. That is where he thinks her sensitivity all stems from. But her step dad also molested her and her sister too. We think some of her feelings and intolerance stem from her childhood. But that isnt fair to my bro.
He really is a good man...has always held a job (at most recent for 15 years), works inside and outside the house, he has never cheated on her & he is great to their two boys. Last week, their 15 year old was talking about how much their family loves each other. I also overheard him telling the 8 year old that their family's love is too strong for anything to ever break them up.
Especially for a married couple, there are undoubtedly some cases in which lying or deception has detrimental consequences and warrants a split. These include things such as:
- having an affair
- sleeping around
- secretly using the family's grocery, bill money or savings for g a m b l i n g
- buying drugs used for recreational purposes
Here are some so called "white lies" that most people seem to think are OK, including the person being lied to. These lies are still lies none-the-less but the person lying compassionately chooses to lie over causing the very likely consequences by telling the truth, such as hurting someone's feelings, helping to lower someone's self confidence, etc.
- Answering, "no" when asked stuff like, "do I look fat in this" if she really does
- Answering, "great!" if asked, "how does my hair, make-up, outfit, etc. look?" if it looks terrible
Back to the current situation. Due to a high tolerance for the meds he takes, he occasionally needs more than the script calls for. He has run out of meds and as a consequence has missed work because of withdrawals which he felt terrible about. For a long time, he was afraid to ask the dr for more because of the stigma associated with taking pain meds. This is whey he ran out.
To try and help make the meds last all month, she began keeping them in a safe and handing them out to him. He has received occasional dosage increases from his doctor, but it isnt enuff for the pain every day. Every time he'd ask her for more, she blew up. Remember, this is for legit pain...not recreational use. She was never understanding, always saying "I grew up with an addict step dad and I'll be damned if I'm gonna be married to one...you need to stop this BS". He got into the safe and got more out himself to avoid a confrontation. When she found out what he'd done, she was really pissed and made the comment, loud enuff for the kids to hear that, "it's all about you and your pills and not the family huh?" He said that pissed him off because it isnt true and he doesnt want the kids thinking he doesnt care for them. After talking with his 15 year old and explaining that he doesnt love anything more than he loves his sons, he took his medicine back from his wife. He was tired of all the fights hurting his marriage over what she incorrectly thinks is just taking more to get high. He said he still loves her but she doesnt get the fact that after him being on them for as long as he has, that one more pill wont get him high.
Anyway, later she told him the marriage is over because he deceived her. I think that all things considered, she is really overreacting and that all people need to look at the whole person and consider all their good points before deciding to potentially hurt the kids with misinformation and end a marriage. I realize that some people DO this and also I KNOW some separations & divorces are warranted due to the severity of actual abuse and other areas where a person is just not fit to live with for the spouse or kids. I just dont think it is a black and white issue.
Last edited by klopper22; 12-06-2009 at 04:40 AM.
I could be your brothers wife. A few small differences is that he never smoked pot and hid it from me for years.
He also had a legit injury and started taking more than prescribed and I am scared to death where it will end.
You could be in denial about your brothers dependence or addiction. I have also had to try to explain just what it is that I see as a problem with this. Opiate addiction & abuse is very easy to hide as it doesnt cause a person to be 'messed up' unless they are on the really hard stuff or taking really large amounts. My AH has never missed work, taken money from out checking account or anything that most people say is problem addict behavior. BUT his use DOES effect our entire relationship. Opiates help to numb the brains reaction to pain. When people take them to help them feel better emotionally it helps to numb the brain to depression & such. Point is that it numbs the person so that they are in this cushy little bubble and nothing gets to them... bad or good. It feels like they have emotionally checked out on us.
A lot of >>>>>> addicts started with a legit injury and pain pills and it grew from that. As I have told my AH many times, opiates were never intended to treat long term pain because tolerance is going to be an issue... they will need to up doses and go to stronger opiates. Doesnt matter if it is a real pain or not it still CHANGES the person.
I agree that all people lie but you seem to think it is ok for him to have been lying to her almost their entire marriage about drug use. Would you think it just as ok for her to have continued to see an ex boyfriend all these years but lied to your brother about it because he just didnt understand.
I may have it all wrong and be ignorant to her (like your) side since it isnt she that I really ever talk with about it. I should just stay out of the conversation since I am not educated about it.
Originally Posted by wifehatesvicodin
I am sorry.
There is no need to apologize. You have done nothing wrong. All you have done is believe your brother. You just need to 'educate' yourself, as you say, on how addicts will hide and justify and explain away their abuse. Your brother could be telling the truth... but he would be very much in the minority of those people who are using more meds than they are prescribed to the point of running out early and going thru wd's, lies to his spouse about drug use and has a relationship being ruined by his use BUT it isnt because he abuses the pills... it is just because his wife doesnt understand.
Opiate abuse is now the biggest drug problem this country has and personally I think it has been able to get so bad is because it is so easy to hide the problem under the guise of medical treatment. No one would ever believe some crazy explanation like 'I have to snort cocaine because I have medically diagnosed laziness and it give me energy to party all night'. But let someone have a bad back or migraines (2 ailments that are almost impossible to prove as lies) and it is ok to use lab created, dr prescribed herion to treat it. I know a lady that her husband had her convinced that his dr told him it was ok to crush & snort his meds because it would get rid of the pain faster than taking by mouth. He started out with a legit injury too... now he is a >>>>>> addict.
I can relate to this topic. My boyfriend was using since he was 12. Started with pot then went to cocaine at 16 He decided to quit cocaine in his mid 20's and thought it would be ok to switch to pain meds. He quickly got addicted and was taking 15-20 pills a day. I told him he needs to stop or he can't live with me anymore.
Shortly after he decided to get help and is now on methadone. (If you don't know this is what they put >>>>>> addicts on to help with withdrawal.) He goes to counseling and group and seems to be doing really well. I'm a little scared though because he will eventually be weaned off this then switched to suboxone. Then weaned off of that.
The withdrawal symptoms are unbearable and he is hard to deal with. I'm also worried he will relapse. I know he wants to change but the pain I know is hard for him to handle. He says he would've stopped sooner if it weren't for the withdrawals. He didn't know it would be so bad.
I think people should be more educated on pain meds and how serious addiction to them really is. The other day a friend of mine was talking about taking some valium and I told her she might as well be doing >>>>>>. She thinks I'm talking out of my ass. It's very sad.
You are completely right, people should be MUCH more educated about the meds they take. But unfortunately for you, your friend is also right. Valium is nothing even remotely close to >>>>>>. Its not a pain killer. Its not even an opiate. Its for people with anxiety. Its in a class of drugs called benzos. Not even a distant cousin of opiates. While I feel for you in your struggle with your boyfriend, you should probably stick around this site and do some research so next time when your talking to your friends, they won't be justified in telling you that you're talking out of your a$$
I can relate to both sides.
See, I use to be married to an addict...and was extremely unhappy and wasn't sure what to do in my relationship. Should I stay...should I go? Well, he made the decision for me cause he ended going to prison about 3 times...after we had found time during all this to have a couple of kids. I had finally had enough due to the fact that it wasn't any fun being a single mother! After 15yrs..I divorced him!
Bet you'll never guess what happened then?
I became an ADDICT! From all the stress of trying to cope with taking care of my kids with no help from anybody!...and the deep Depression I fell into because of my marriage falling apart and I had to give up the man I once loved,...and now my kids didn't have a father...etc., etc.,..etc!
Alot of people are quick to bash addicts and think we're the scum of the earth! We don't care about anyone but ourselves!, we're nothing but master manipulaters!,(hello?! the drugs make us this way)..and we don't love our bf/gf/or spouse! .. because if we did-,..we'd stop using drugs to prove it to them! This is so NOT true people!
Doesn't anyone ever stop to think that maybe we did drugs to medicate ourselves from some other problem that we were masking and that we didn't know how to handle?...or cope?..or to quit before it was too late? I have managed to beat my addiction so far- and it's NOT easy! With the help of counseling and the right medication, I have found a new way of life...one that is better for myself and my children. We do not develop drug addictions for the soul purpose of hurting our friends and loved ones!
Now that I've walked in both sets of shoes, I understand now. Please don't be quick to judge someone because they have a substance abuse problem. It could happen to anybody...including YOU!
I hate his lies blu's and meth - but love him.
I want to first start off by saying ive read each post. Each one has such great incite and helping me understand what I am facing with my current boyfriend.
I should start off saying that ive known my current bf (who ive been with for almost a year) since I was 15 years old. He is one of the smartest, talented, good-looking and romantically sweet guys you could meet. Except he has been on oxycotin and meth for the past 2 yrs. Anyone who knows him and doesn’t know about his drug problem would say he is the best guy ever. A dream guy.
I started dating him not knowing about his drug problem. It wasn’t until 6 or 7 months into our relationship that he came clean with me. I suspect he did this because I would ask a lot of questions about strange stories and incidents. Plus I would say things like, “you really think im stupid” Re: certain suspect scenarios even though I really didn’t know.
Since ive known about the drug problem he has tried to stop several times (or at least makes me believe that). With the help of his family and close friends we had an intervention, then his mother and I took him to rehab, which he signed out of less than 24 hrs after. When he came home from rehab he was doing better for about a week or so. Then met his friends again and started using. Since then he’s stated that he cant live like this anymore and he wants to stop but he hasn’t. myself and his family have tried our best by taking him to NA and going to fellowship and just supporting his recovery in every possible way.
Now what he has done to me (very very short version). Has been staying/living at my apartment for 6 months now. He has given drug people my address and either sold or picked up drugs in my apartment complex. I believe this has stopped since I found out. Its probably because a cop lives in the apartment below me.
Last week his family suggested that he spend time away from my place. They were very concerned about my well being. He stayed with his parents for the week but was kicked out 2 nights ago over a fight about missing valuables. He then came straight here. Ive told him that if his to be here with me he has to be clean. He agrees and promises to change. He has no real phone just uses a phone you buy minutes with that runs out everyday. He doesn’t call - I cant ever reach him. I catch him in lies (big & small) everyday. Never helps with any bills and im struggling just to survive as is. Ive told myself that im going to kick him out if he messes up. I think he wants to stop but just seems to be so used to lying and the drug life. He does not know how to think anymore - nothing rational. He snorts his pills and then uses meth in an effort to striaghten out.
Nevertheless I love him to death. Without the drugs he would be the perfect guy. I guess what Im asking is should I continue to let him stay and try to help him get better or kick him out on the street, which is hard to do. Im so afraid he’ll just get worse yet I truly believe he can get better. I feel like im at the cross road with him (stay - hopefully he can get clean or kick him out and see him deteriorate). Yet a small voice in my head tells me this drug addiction could be worse than I know and that Im dealing with a boyfriend who’s a smooth talker and great liar - but maybe im wrong.
Wow!!! Having read the posts in this topis as well as a few others I feel suddenly quite calm and confident in the decision I have had to take recently.
I have been battling with the very same issue, a partner who seems to choose Columbian Marching powder and all the loss of inhibitions and confidence it creates for him over everything else.
It took me a long time ro realise just how severe the situation was, the saying "love is blind" was not created for fun. I ignored the many warning lights in the beginning of the relationship and chose to rather believe in the inner good and strength of a person over the "ridiculous stories" I had heard about people who had been in the same situation. When we first got together he had admitted to using "snow" a couple of times before, explained how his first time had happened, and promised and swore on the very ground that he walked on that he had not used it since x time and had no intention of using it again - all the whilst emphasising that he does however firmly believe that the stuff is not designed to let you leave...I should have turned around and walked away then - instead I chose to stay, and I do not regret one minute of it, because it has opened my previously naive eyes.
I also do not regret it because the person I was involved in a relationship with is not a bad person at all, although the stories I can tell you might put a picture of the devil in your mind, he is so far from that it is not even funny! He is a great person, with an extraodinary personality and an abundance of potential, he has the ability to know what he wants in life and how to achieve that, and every now and then, seems to get back on the straight and narrow and gun for those things, but ultimately the battle - and by this I mean inner battle - that he is fighting seems to take over and he goes back to using, and each time he uses more. He is inwardly the most beautiful and innocent soul I have probably ever come across, but at the same time so broken and damaged.
The lieing, the stealing and yes, the cheating, became to much, and as much as I so badly ( even now as I write this ) want to take him in my arms and keep him safe from the rest of the wild world, I cannot do it anymore. I caught him out many a times - the numerous "stomach cramps" that he had, which resulted in him spending lots of times hiding in the bathroom, only to have him come out higher than Everest. The secret messages from this person and that person. The insane hours that he drives at night, the 3 minute stops at different blocks - eventually he must have gotten tired of driving to different locations because he started meeting the dealer at his house... how do I know this, ah...the beauty of vehicle tracking devices and the internet. The exhorbitant amount of money stolen from not one work place, but many. The amount of times he lost his job. The emails to and fro, not only to his "friends", but to the many he girls he met whilst using as well. The strange behaviour and mood swings he had. The times he just didn't meet me, or didn't show up when we had plans. The emptiness that stared back at me when he looked me in the eyes and lied - even though he could see that I knew it was a lie, he would carry on, out of sheer desperation I suppose. I am not going to dent that we never had good times, we had lots of those, and I really did and still do love him, the good times and the love are what make it difficult to leave. Even when he disappears for a weekend or two and you cannot get hold of him and are left wondering if he is ok. The incidents mentioned above are the lighter side of the dark times, and the love and the good makes all of that disappear, because leaving is not easy. Leaving is hard, it is painful - so much so that you have to hold on to something to stop the shaking and concentrate on the breathing, because all you want to do is have him back and be in his arms, because somehow even after discovering the lieing, the unfaithfulness, the theft and knowing in the back of your mind that he cannot possibly love you back...somehow, the pain overshadows all of that...and soon you find yourself back in the very situation!
You'll get promised the world and you'll get the promise that things will change - and they will for a while. He will be the epitomy of a gentleman and love you aodringly, and then with the click of a finger and the wink of an eye, you find the old issues have returned and the trust gets broken again - and the thing with this is that whilst the issues return, the severity of them doesn't go back to what it was or lessen - oh no, it only gets worse. You will soon build up a resentment towards him, even through the caring, and you will find yourself getting neurotic about his whereabouts, his money, your money, his phone calls and messages. Your entire mind will be consumed by these things. You will begin your own inner battle - is it ok to leave? He needs help? He is not a bad person? He does love me? I love him? He would never do that? He doesn't look like someone with a problem as bad as that? and on and on - and even though any person that you speak to will tell you - leave, get out, run for the hills darling! You will stay! Why you may ask? Why would anyone stay in a relationship that has crumbled to pieces, pieces so small they are capable of being snorted by Zeus...Why? I asked myself the very same question. I am not a weak person - how is it that I cannot leave this relationship? How can I not let go? Because I love him, and we have a connection that just simply cannot be understood by anyone else...trust me, I had this argument - so the question being asked again - why dont you just leave? Why are you even here on this forum asking for advice when you know exactly what to do?
The answer sweetheart - is because he has become your addiction. I dont mean this offensively at all - because I was in the very same boat and speak from experience. The love that you share will become tainted, and dark, and the purity and joy that you had will disappear. The smiles and the laughter will lesson and be replaced by tears, from both sides, and no matter how good a person either of you may be, the relationship will be doomed to failure.
This is also no one's fault, it is not his, because as they say, addiction is a disease, it will rob the person of everything, their independance, their free will and their mind. They are simply governed by the substance that they are using, whether they want to be or not. Their mind will be consumed by "when can I get my next hit / line", "how am I going to pay for it" / "how do I hide it" - the mind will be consumed so badly by it that the person will not even realise how bad it has become, which is why so many of them are in denial.
It is important to remember though, that no matter how you love and care for the person and or how much you want to save them - you just cannot unless they want to save themselves. You can fight and cry as much as you want to, and listen to as many promises and you want to, but it is not going to change unless they make the conscious decision ( without you nagging them to ) to do something about it and get help - and not for you or anyone else, but get help for themselves. You are responsible for only one life in this world, and that is yours ( unless you have children, but that is a given up until they are at least 25, even then they need to fend for themselves ), you are responsible for your own happiness. You need to find the strength inside of your own self to kick the very own addiction that you have developed and get out of this relationship - before it destroys both of you.
Sometimes if you love a person, you have to let them run their own lives, so if you really do care about it him and he is still in denial etc etc, you need to walk away from this - its called tough love. Maybe a rude awakening is what he needs.
"God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
I'm going to give you the very same advise that was given to me upon deaf ears and hope that yours are open - walk away from this, run for the hills and mt kilimanjaro is possible. He may not be a bad person, but he isn't the person for you if you are even questioning the relationship. Maybe in a few years time he will have come back on track, but until then, look after yourself - run!!!!
First let me thank everyone who's posted. Just reading what each of you had to say made me feel - if not a bit better, certainly less alone. I will try to keep my tale brief as I could go on forever...
My boyfriend and I have been friends for over 8 years and dating for almost 6. About 4 years ago I began to feel concerned over the amount of vicodins and alcohol he was consuming. Things were really rough for a while but slowly, he stopped drinking on his own and I thought he had stopped taking the vicodins (as I didn't see them or see him taking any more). Then, last April I found out he was shooting >>>>>>. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Perhaps because I was in such a state of disbelief, I didn't say anything to him about it and just started watching him more carefully. When I was certain he was doing it, I confronted him about it. He lied and yelled and curse and lied some more. I didn't buy into his lies and slowly he started admitting he was addicted and needed help. I allowed him to convince me that he "needed" me in his life so that he can get clean. I love him very much and wanted to believe he was being honest.
Time passes and long story short he never went into any kind of program and though he told me he was "clean" i didn't really believe it because i would still see the signs (nodding out, sweating profusely, paraphenalia) but wasn't sure what to do. Then a little over a month ago, my boyfriend was in a car accident where he crossed a double yellow line and drove head on into traffic, hitting a police ambulance. The car was totaled and he really was SO lucky that he didn't kill himself or anyone else. Of course, when the cops drug tested him, it showed he had Xanax (not prescribed), marijuana, methadone and >>>>>> in his system.
He is out on bail but his trial begins January 11th.. when he first came out of the hospital he was ready to go to rehab, give up everything, make a fresh start.. but within a week or so, he started lying to get $, breaking promises, being very mean, disappearing for hours on end (and lying about who he was with), disappearing into the bathroom for a half hour, then coming out and nodding off, he has paraphenalia around (that he insists is from before...) and I've seen needle marks on his hand (where he told me he shoots it)
When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and i end up crying and hopeless out of frustration. A part of me feels like throwing up my hands because no matter what I try, nothing changes. The other part of me is trying to hold out in the hopes he will go to rehab (he's saying after christmas...) and maybe we can get through this.
I know this post might make him sound like a monster but he isn't. I know he's very troubled and it breaks my heart... but when do I draw the line?
Mickbran, I'm sorry to hear that your situation is causing you so much pain.
I truly think you will find the answer within the post directly above yours, which was very well written (Good job Gypsyfire).
Originally Posted by mickbran
There is ALWAYS hope
Clean from painkillers and all mind altering substances since 4/25/2013
I agree, great post Gypsyfire!
im certain im posting in the wrong thread...forgive me, as i havent been here since 2006.
i was a member under a different name at that time. well here i am back, but under different circumstances.
heres my story. i started using PK's harmlessly..never had a drug problem. well that changed fast!!
i decided to go on sub in 2007..felt great, on them..they cleared my depression, which looking back, was the reason i started using. self-medicating plain and simple.they gave me energy, and just made me happy. my use was never crazy..maybe 7 vics a day..then i threw drinking into to the mix. i was doing great on sub (my dose was 2mgs total a day) i felt "normal". after reading/researching i got nervous and weened myself off, after 7 mos. well the PAWS kicked in, and i relapsed within 3 mos.
i having a great family..great husband/kids/job..but i needed the boost from the pills. coupled w/ menopause, i also suffered a tragic lost.
i again went on sub..again! low dose, again, felt amazing. all the reading i did again convinced me i had to get off..i did, and relapsed within 4 weeks.
ok..now things got progressivley worse..i was drinking a bottle a wine a nite..pilling as well.
finally, after 8 yrs of this...i knew i needed help. i was 103 lbs and simply not well.
with my husbands support, and to the horror of my 2 beautiful sons..mommy had to go to rehab. the very thing i avoided all those years..my secret was out...to my family, and my job!
(who had no clue) i first checked into a detox hospital..from there a 30 day IP.
that was april. the sadness of being away from my family, is something i never want to feel again. as are most rehabs, it was 12 step based. unfortunatley, i am void of all spirtual/god-like feelings ( i am a very good person though, who gives back to my community every chance i can) i did my 30 days..attended meetings when i got home..even did extensive OP. i really could not connect w/ the higher power thing..and even harder for me was the 12-step concept..and BELIEVE me i tried. i was consumed w/ trying!
to wrap this up..im sober drinking wise (almost 8 mos) but my depression/PAWS were killing me..i was spending alot of time just going thru the motions..sadness beyond belief.
my hubby/sons saw it, and were always worried.
doing laundry, cooking food shopping all became olympic events for me.
since i have disc problems (herniations) getting the pills again were easy.. i simply couldnt handle the lack of quality of life. so i went to the DR. got a script for 90 percs..and was all "better" but i know i didnt want to go back to that life.. again, i really dont want to feel "high"
so, today i went to a great DR. ..i told him my story, as im telling now. and was put back on subs (3mgs a day) now i know the majority of people disagree w/ sub maintence, but the truth is, i will never come off them again. today i felt the best i've felt in months.(and yes i know about the honeymoon phase) .i sincerely dont want to get high..i just want to feel normal. and suboxone does that for me.
i've tried AD's..but truth is, the damage we have done to our endorphins from opiate use, can not be healed w/ AD's..only time can heal that..and i simply dont have the time anymore. i want to live and enjoy my life. i've been told i had refractory depression..meaning standard AD treatment dosent work for me (i've tried 5 different ones)
i've have done everything i can to face my addictions , believe me , as a mother checking into a rehab is a horrible feeling.( so obviously i was sincere in trying to get better.) OP programs..tons of meetings. therapy. i dont take this lightly AT ALL..in fact, it's all i think about.
today i felt normal..i was able to do the simple things around the house..when a song came on the radio, i found myself singing. im posting this to just tell my story, i do expect some negative feedback,which is fine. but today i went back on sub..and i'm staying on it. i feel my life depends on it (not to mention my marriage, i cant expect him to stay w/ a miserable person although he probably would)
so thats my story..this forum helped me soo much years back..and i made a great friend here as well, who im still in contact with.
again....i apologize if i hijacked someones thread. looking forward to any responses..positive or negative..thanks for listening!