HELP methadone is NOT FOR ME! Clinic not cooperating w/ decision!!

[Jealousi]

I started a methadone clinic almost a month ago and at first it seemed that even tho withdrawals were very persistent and I was absolutely miserable for the first two weeks that this recovery program was going to be a successful choice for me..
For the first time in my life (and addiction) I was able to be honest about the drugs that I had been abusing for the past 15 years, and unlike my family and friends the treatment program offered a support system. Group meetings, counselors that appeared to genuinely care about your recovery and well being, these beautiful "fairytale recovery" stories and thank you cards posted all over the walls... all of these, meanwhile giving me (somehow through the pain) a sense of sympathy, true compassion and understanding. Encouragement instead of negativity.. I was blindsided.
I have now been going to the clinic for 23 days. I have intentionally missed two days just to see how I would be effected if I was not able to dose one day.. But other than those two days I have gone religiously every morning waiting single file, awkwardly in a long line. I have filled out my little journal log book everyday having to describe all of these embarrassing symptoms over and over again, day to day for the nurses to look at tell me the same exact thing.
The clinic started my dose at 25mg the first day. I had been detoxing since the day before and was in bad shape for intake that day. The withdrawals got NO better that first day, infact after dosing they seemed to get worse. The 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th day they took my dose up by 5mg each day (which is all they are allowed to by law) because my symptoms were still so severe. By day 5 I was at 45 mg and I held that dose for another day. Day 7 I reached 50mg and legally was able to go up 10mg at a time now. Day 10, 80 mg and still very little relief. I am now at Day 22, 120 mg and can only find enough relief to make it through most of the day at work. Mild symptoms are persistent at all times while they become more severe as the day goes on. By bedtime I'm feverish and achy, can't sleep because of horrible leg and stomach cramps!
I went this morning and the new nurse looked at my journal and dropped me back down to 100mg by mistake, but no complaints here. I've felt like DeATH all day, but ultimately this is exactly what I've been asking for.
Last week sometime I sat down with my counselor and the program director and informed them that methadone treatment was not for me. I asked to start being tapered back down before I became too addicted to this highly addictive opiate! They proceeded to tell me that I was not ready to come down on my dose, that I had not even reached the "stable" higher dose that I needed in order to make a full recovery. I now felt as if this incredible support system that I had so desperately needed before and suddenly found was no longer in support of me, and my recovery but now only supportive of this drug. During our conversation I felt they preyed on my vulnerabilities (things that I had conveyed in therapy with these counselors) and somehow just became advocates of methadone. Going on and on about how my addiction simply cannot recover without the help of it. I was repulsed upon leaving there. I am a very outspoken person and easily persuaded and guided into directions that I don't necessarily want to be going. I tend to let others convince me of what's best for me, but that's just because I have made so many mistakes on my own in my life.. Needless to say I went home so confused that day.

I reviewed the program's policies when I returned home that day and saw that although the clinic will advise you when they feel that you are not healthy enough to discontinue methadone treatment IT IS ultimately YOUR CHOICE. The patient's decision. I feel so helpless, just because it IS so hard to me to stand up for myself. I don't think I'm capable of being bossy enough to walk in there and put my foot down and demand to taper off. This is so not fair........

[fedupnow]

If u want to taper and you tell them your 100% serious about it, then they ultimately will do it for you..

If they see you in crazy withdrawal they will advise against it.. they usually advise against it anyway and push long term detox.. But this is your decision! just let them know how you feel about it..

If you were taking 120mg and it wasn't lasting you 24 hrs then you probably do need more, depending on your opiate tolerance and what you were using before..

I've seen some people taking up to 240mgs.. I was once at 120mg and tapered down in a year and made the switch to suboxone.. long process but easy going most of the time..

[yezdegerd]

They generally do a rapid 21 day detox for people that refuse treatment any longer which in your case might be best since you've been on it such short term, you're in for a bumpy ride though my friend. If you are that bad even with 120mg of methadone in you, it's gonna be a long road with nothing. Have you considered suboxone?

[Jealousi]

They generally do a rapid 21 day detox for people that refuse treatment any longer which in your case might be best since you've been on it such short term, you're in for a bumpy ride though my friend. If you are that bad even with 120mg of methadone in you, it's gonna be a long road with nothing. Have you considered suboxone?

I've experimented with it and it worked well for me. The times that I have used it is just to get thru those first 3 days of detox from opiates, I would only need to take one a day for no more than a week and poof withdrawals, for the most part have dissipated. They become mild enough to manage, anyways. Now the cravings..... That's a whole different story....... smh. Not sure if I mentioned but I've stopped using numerous times before, for different reasons. But never because I wanted to stop getting high. So I'm completely aware of the treacherous path ahead of me, but I'm actually ready to do it for me this time Methadone only seems to prolong my addiction, atleast the half life of opiates will not cause detox to last for months and months of my life.
Now, I simply can't afford the subs from the clinic, but I can however grab a few from a coworker to get thru the rough part of withdrawals. But won't the blocker in the subs send me straight into a full fledge detox? How long will it last if I continue to take subs at that point? And what about methadone pills? I can get about 30 or so 10mg pills, would it not b safe to try and taper myself at home once I get to a low enough level at the clinic? I was thinking about what they started me at, 25 or 30mg..

[fedupnow]

You really do need to stabilize some how then taper.. If you keep tapering and your already not well then it will only get worse for you. If your now at 100 then stay there a few days for your body to adjust then drop 10mg or so and see how you feel, some people drop 5-10mg a week, others 5-10mg a day which never worked for me at all. Once you get to 30mg's or lower you can ask to be switched over to Suboxone. My doctor told me he didn't think it was a good idea but I said I was 100% committed to this and feel it will work better for me, so they did it for me.

Make sure you give yourself 48-72 hrs after your last methadone dose, before you take suboxone, or u will go thru precipitated withdrawal.. You can google the COWS sheet and you should score at least a 26 before taking suboxone.

There have been people posting on the site about tapering quick with suboxone. I might try an attempt this myself or use Roberts_325, 6 week detox plan, there has been a ton of success with it!

Withdrawal for everyone is so different.. Some people can handle moderate withdrawal and others can't, so hard to say how long it will last.. For me with methadone, I start getting better after day 6 or so but it's one hell of a ride to get there.

This time I'm trying Suboxone and I'm just starting to stabilize after 5 days..

[newyorkgal]

It is their job at the methadone clinic to encourage you to stay the course. This is what they have to tell you and, to be honest, the fact that your dose is not holding you all day gives them more of a reason to tell you that you probably need more. However, it is your decision and they have to do what you tell them to. You don't have to be "bossy" about it. Just tell them you've made up your mind. If you decide to go through with this and switch to sub, just remember, sub is also a heavy duty opiate with a long half life so it is meant to be used sparingly and tapered off of asap. The fact that you still feel w/d at your dose is kind of confusing to me. I never went up above 80 and was fine. People do have different metabolisms though. If they only offer you the 21 day detox, I would definitely either get methadone pills or switch to sub once you've reached 30 mg. and waited til you reach 26 on a COWS worksheet. The decision is yours in the end. You just have to stand up for yourself and tell them what that decision is.