Help? I'm losing hope... Boyfriends an addict

[sgiardin13]

Hi,

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and we're supposed to be getting married in a few months, but our relationship has taken a turn for the worse. It started out with him using me to buy marijuana for him every week and after a physical confrontation we got into when he was high, he quit. Things were fine until he got into a car accident and was prescribed hydrocodone by his doctor. He told me that he didnt want to become dependant on it and he flushed them, ever since then our relationship has gone downhill and I can't tell if he's telling me the truth or not anymore. He's constantly lying to me about everything and hiding stuff from me and calling me names. We cant even go out without him being on edge and getting angry.

Then just recently his father got into a car wreck and he returned home to care for him but we later found out he'd stolen their credit card and bought $500 in cigarettes and K2 within a month and a half. Then he stole his dads oxycodone and was taking those and after we sat down and talked with him he agreed to stop. It's been a month since then and I caught him talking to one of his old dealers over facebook, and were discussing how much money 180 pills of oxycodone could be sold for. He lied to me and told me he wasnt talking to this guy and when he went into the doctors to get his "anti-anxiety" meds refilled he was placed on a red flag list because he was asking for pain pills again after he told me that he would never do it again and that the withdrawals werent worth it!

We've had a very long issue with him taking pills whether it be ativan, ambien, xanax, oxycodone, methadone... I even got nerve damage on my hand because he was trying to take 6 ambien after he had 2 already, and he bit me while i was trying to get them away from him.

I'm completely at a loss here and have no clue what to do, I dont know whether or not i should stick around for him because of all of the things he's done to me... I really want to trust that he'll straighten up and try harder but as of now he hides everything from me, he lies straight to my face without ever feeling sorry for it, and he's constantly calling me names...

I love him a lot but i dont know what to do anymore....

Any advice?

[Ftballqrtbck05]

Im sorry to hear that first off... Im a guy for one and it was basically the same situation for me and my GF. I've been with my GF for 3 years now, and at the beginning of our relationship i was taking oxy on and off and progressively got worse. i eventually quit oxy and was sober few months and then got into xanax.. during the time i was taking drugs i would lie to her every single day about what i was doing where i was going and that i wasnt taking ne drugs.. She knew better, no matter how hard an addict tries to lie u can always most certainly tell there high. I treated her like straight ???? like she didnt matter cuz the only thing that mattered when i was an addict was my drugs, how i was going to get them and making sure i had some for the next day... It wasnt just a fling w/ my GF i loved/love her so g damn much, mroe than anything in this world, and i still did all those horrible things to her. Its hard for an addicts significant other to fully understand how an addict thinks/feels/acts unless ur on the other end of it.. i know its easy for u to think/say well he says he loves me but why doesnt he stop, why does he lie etc. I dont know him or u or ur relationship but it sounds like he loves u too.. But when someone is addicted to something there main priority is there drugs, i know thats prob. hard for you to hear, that he puts his drugs before you but thats the way addicts think. Is to still try and maintain a relationship with u but at the same time still getting high, bcuz no matter how bad he wants his drugs and wants to get high he knows he loves u.. Its just the overwhelming affect that drugs have on someone and it may seem as if he doesnt care about u, but he most certainly does. Im trying to explain it in words but its hard to do so unless you've been an addict before. and especially the hardest while trying to be in a relationship w/ someone who is sober and get there fix at the same time....
All i know is for me, everyone i knew, and prob. most people is that NO MATTER who, how many friends, family members and how many times they can all tell u what the drugs are doing to u, how there ruining your life, ruining your relationship with them etc that untill that addict is ready and willing to quit drugs and get help the possibility of them actually getting clean and STAYING CLEAN is not very high unfortunately They need to want if for themselves, not becuz other people want them to quit, but bcuz THEY want to quit and better there life and be done for goood..
So IDK where ur BF's state of mind is at right now or if hes serious about quitting but to the sound of it hes not 100% if hes talking about how much 180 pills cost or w.e. and hes still talkin to dealers online etc.. All i know is that as an addict trying to get and stay sober, u have to TOTALLY get rid of EVERY SINGLE PERSON in your life who EVER had to do with ANY drug at all, and could possibly influence u to go back to being an addict again.. Thats such a big part of staying sober, is the people surrounding you.
Once i knew i was fed up and totally done with drugs, and i knew i would never go back to that life again i erased every single phone # in my phone and got a new cell #. It definetly helped me, even if i might of gotten the urge to do something i knew i couldnt cuz i had no #'s and brushed it off and didnt think about it again.

I will tell u honestly a big part of me getting sober was my GF and family sticking by my side... I put them all throught straight HELL and i mean it was bad, IDK how every single one didnt walk out on me. But they didnt, cuz when u love someone u fight for them. Man im gettin all teary eyed lOl.. It was an emotional roller coaster but i went to rehab and got clean, and the best feeling in the world was my GF opening those big double doors and walking down that hall way, ive never had such a big smile on my face, and i just broke down... Cuz i had finally realized the impact i had on her and my whole family, and the torture i put them through and it hit me like a brick wall all at once. It was then AND ONLY THEN when i was sober that i understood the impact of all my actions while i was high and how much worse it could of gone for me if i didnt have such strong support system and a GF that believed in me and believed in us. She never gave up on me and i treat her like a queen every single day cuz she deserves it.. I didnt deserve her the whole time i was on drugs, i treated her like ???? and she deserved so much better. But iam so thankful of how things turned out. We're still together and things are better than ever, we're actually getting married in a few months too!! Just bought a house, got done w/ school and got a great paying job...
So yes things can and hopefully will get better, there is hope there is always hope.

Obviously if your planning on getting married you guys are serious and love eachother, my suggestion (and this only my opinion) is that you try to help him all you can. I know you have and i konw you have tried hard, but its persistance and sometimes it just takes time cuz like i said earlier for most addicts its a matter of IF THEY want to get clean, they cant do it for no one else except for them and only if they want too.. It sounds like u are getting fed up and your at the end of your rope and your out of answers and u dont know what to do, well you cant keep doin that forever so u need to maybe let him know and understand how serious you are, and that u dont want to marry someone who is going to have a life of drugs. and a relationship of lies stealing and manipulation. You will just be depressed and sad. So IDK if his family is involved or if ur close with them or w.e. but u should get them involved too and almost look into doing some kind of intervention for him. If its gotten to the point that nothign else is working then u need to take more serious steps... Even tho he an addict right now, if u take it to the next level for him to see how serious you are maybe somethin will kick in and he'll realize if he doesnt stop he'll loose you. Cuz hes most llikely thinking, just like i did that you'll always be there for him no matter what he does to u and how bad he hurts u, he needs to see thats not true and ur sick and tired of it....
Do u guys live together, how old are you two? etc.
I hope everything works out for the best for you two especially if your supposed to be getting married, thats the biggest and most important day of your life, for him too.. and you will regret, as will he some day if hes all high and intoxicated during your wedding. and his whole mind body and soul is not there that day.
LMK on some updates and maybe a little more detail on how much and what drugs u think he's using..

Sorry for typing so much lOl i kinda just got going and didnt realize how long it was But i felt that me being in the same situation with my GF would help..

Jason

[sgiardin13]

Thank you for your story Jason, and I dont mind if you get all teary eyed or anything lol

But I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 21. I know for sure right now he's taking 2mg ativan, amrix, naloxone, .5 mg ambien cr, zoloft, and the hydrocodone and stuff but he hides everything so well from me that it's really hard to tell. he's even hiding cigarettes and smoking them when im asleep or out of the house. I have really bad asthma so if i smell cigarette smoke it leads to an attack... and he knows this, but he doesnt care.

So for an update, last night me and his family confronted him about it and we told him he needed to cut all ties with all of his old drug friends and dealers. He told us he wouldnt and it got pretty heated so we're not talking right now.

I just dont like when he insults me... Any advice on that? His words really hurt, especially since im already self conscious about my looks and my family but he says the most horrid things. He makes comments about certain aspects about my body or insults my family. He likes to call me names like stupid or f-ing C**t, B***h, and Whore. And if I say anything back im afraid he'll get physical, he's shoved me out of the room a few times, kicked me, if im on the computer he'll slam the top down on it. I'm afraid of confronting him because i dont want to argue or get hurt. I would never call him names or put him down like he does to me... and it seems like its getting worse if he doesnt have things his way. My family just says that he's using me but i dont know what to believe anymore. I'm sorry...

[humbled6893]

Thank you for your story Jason, and I dont mind if you get all teary eyed or anything lol

But I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 21. I know for sure right now he's taking 2mg ativan, amrix, naloxone, .5 mg ambien cr, zoloft, and the hydrocodone and stuff but he hides everything so well from me that it's really hard to tell. he's even hiding cigarettes and smoking them when im asleep or out of the house. I have really bad asthma so if i smell cigarette smoke it leads to an attack... and he knows this, but he doesnt care.

So for an update, last night me and his family confronted him about it and we told him he needed to cut all ties with all of his old drug friends and dealers. He told us he wouldnt and it got pretty heated so we're not talking right now.

I just dont like when he insults me... Any advice on that? His words really hurt, especially since im already self conscious about my looks and my family but he says the most horrid things. He makes comments about certain aspects about my body or insults my family. He likes to call me names like stupid or f-ing C**t, B***h, and Whore. And if I say anything back im afraid he'll get physical, he's shoved me out of the room a few times, kicked me, if im on the computer he'll slam the top down on it. I'm afraid of confronting him because i dont want to argue or get hurt. I would never call him names or put him down like he does to me... and it seems like its getting worse if he doesnt have things his way. My family just says that he's using me but i dont know what to believe anymore. I'm sorry...

sgiardin, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your bf. Addicts lie, manipulate, can be abusive....I know, because I am one. Please be careful. I sense that you know his behavior isn't okay. You're right, it's not. It's important that you're safe. And take if from someone who's been married for awhile, the problems you have before you're married are only highlighted afterwards. If he isn't willing to admit he has a problem and willing to get help, there's not much you can do. You're very young and have so many years ahead of you. My advise, and it's only my advice, is to wait to get married. See if these issues can be resolved first. When you love someone, I know that can be difficult to do....but believe me, it will be better for both of you to start marriage healthy physically and mentally.

Best of luck!
Humbled

[Exhausted]

Thank you for your story Jason, and I dont mind if you get all teary eyed or anything lol

But I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 21. I know for sure right now he's taking 2mg ativan, amrix, naloxone, .5 mg ambien cr, zoloft, and the hydrocodone and stuff but he hides everything so well from me that it's really hard to tell. he's even hiding cigarettes and smoking them when im asleep or out of the house. I have really bad asthma so if i smell cigarette smoke it leads to an attack... and he knows this, but he doesnt care.

So for an update, last night me and his family confronted him about it and we told him he needed to cut all ties with all of his old drug friends and dealers. He told us he wouldnt and it got pretty heated so we're not talking right now.

I just dont like when he insults me... Any advice on that? His words really hurt, especially since im already self conscious about my looks and my family but he says the most horrid things. He makes comments about certain aspects about my body or insults my family. He likes to call me names like stupid or f-ing C**t, B***h, and Whore. And if I say anything back im afraid he'll get physical, he's shoved me out of the room a few times, kicked me, if im on the computer he'll slam the top down on it. I'm afraid of confronting him because i dont want to argue or get hurt. I would never call him names or put him down like he does to me... and it seems like its getting worse if he doesnt have things his way. My family just says that he's using me but i dont know what to believe anymore. I'm sorry...

Wow! I read your story right after you posted but did not comment because I wanted to think about my response. I am the spouse of an addict so I can understand your anger, fear, frustration, confusion.....you name it!

I may be criticized for this, and it is NOT my normal reply to people in our situation, but I say RUN....and as fast as you can. I say this for many reasons, some which you may not like to hear. First, you are young. I am not saying you are not an adult, but at 19 my thoughts on love were very different then even just a few years later. At 21, I thought of love in a different way, again at 24, and at 30 and 35. Next, the verbal abuse! NEVER a good thing...and your fear of physical abuse only makes it sound like it has happened already (even if just a shove or a grab). I have know people in physically abusive relationships, they start out this same way and get horribly worse!

Living with an addict is not easy, especially if they are not ready to be clean. I had the "perfect" life with my husband of over 10 years before he became addicted and we struggled. If you are already having issues, that struggle will only get worse, especially if you want a family one day. The emotional abuse will get worse, maybe the physical too.....and it will get worse when you are financially struggling to get by. And if your family is not backing you now, they will likely not help you when it gets worse unless you are "getting out" of the life you are in. Sad, but almost always true. I hate to discourage you and wish I had better advice for you, but it is a lifetime struggle......it is not like he will get clean one day and it is over.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult situation. Please continue to post and seek information, it helps.

[ComingHome]

I think getting married to him while he is this way (abusive and an an addict) would be the worst mistake of your life. Like Exausted said, abusive relationships almost always get worse, not better, and often end in murder. I'm not trying to scare you - this is a fact. Getting married does not fix an addict and abuser - it makes them even worse because now they have you locked into a contract. I'm not going to say you should leave him or stay with him as that should be your decision, but I will say DO NOT marry him while he is this way. I would do 1 of 2 things. 1) break up with him. 2) Postpone the wedding at least 6 months to a year. If you choose #2, then he should want to get clean, and start working a daily program. There should be lots of positive action and effort on his part to get and stay clean. Recovery takes a lot of time, and there's no way he can recover enough in just a couple months. Also, if you choose #2, and you don't see him working a program and staying clean after a few months, that is a very bad sign.

You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve so much better.

CH