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Help, Im dating a >>>>>> addict
Hello, this is kind of a long story thank you for anyone who takes the time to read it
I have been dating this guy seriously for 3 years now. When we first started dating I knew he did drugs. I was young and naive thought it was just a party phase, we did some together sometimes, never >>>>>> though and not very often. After about six months I started to realize how often he was using, I was concerned about his excessive drug use. He then told me how often he was doing >>>>>>. However he smokes it rather then shooting up. He denied for a long time he had a problem, said he could stop on his own any time he wanted so I told him to stop or I would leave.
A couple months went on, me thinking he had quit. I found out one night he had been using and had never quit. I left for couple of months, he got into some trouble with the law and went to rehab, we got back together shortly after. Well to make a long story short he got into drugs again…did the whole rehab thing about 3 times in one year…no success, at this time he wasn’t really trying and did not want to quit for himself he just wanted to make it look good.
Finally at the beginning of 2009 he had hit rock bottom and admitted he had a serious problem and needed help we found him a great 3 month long impatient program, he hated who he was and what he was doing. After he got out of that program he was doing great, focusing on sobriety and going to meetings. 120 days or so clean he relapsed…used for two days then quit again.
Now were to 6 months sober….I finally thought we were past all this it was finally over we could truly be happy. I had never been more in love with him, everything was going great until I noticed he had been kind of depressed and slacking on his meetings and talking to his sponsor…a week later HE came to ME and told me he had been using and needs help quitting. I helped him threw it
At this point its been 90 days sober a couple nights ago I called him out on his using, he has now been using >>>>>> and coke for 2 weeks. Lying about it of course, deep down I really knew but he refused to tell me the truth... I’m scared for him, scared for us. Sick of this emotional rollercoaster. Rehab seemed to help, he stayed sober 11 out of 12 months last year… now this years not looking so great. He keeps saying I don’t understand how hard it is for an addict and that he is trying, keeps saying he is not giving up. But who can really believe what a >>>>>> addict says?
He’s had 7 days sober now, he checked himself into a hospital for detox after he realized he could not get threw the withdrawals himself.
I don’t know what to do, leaving him is not really an option I love him to much and we have been threw a lot together. I know he wants to change, I’ve seen him get help many times and can see this past year he’s been trying so hard but something keeps bringing him down.
I guess what makes it so hard is not having anyone to talk to about it, no one seems to understand, I know the success rate for >>>>>> addicts is not high, he’s never shot up. I don’t know if that makes any difference. I need advice
So sorry to hear about the mess you are in with your bf. Addiction is just awful - it hurts everyone. Obviously, I can't answer whether or not your bf will honestly try to get and stay clean as only he can do that. You have to do what is best for you. If that is leaving or staying - you have to be honest with yourself and do what you need to to take care of yourself as addicts can take care of anything except finding the next fix.
As for whether or not it is easier to get or stay clean if he is smoking or shooting >>>>>> - it doesn't matter. >>>>>>, prescription meds - it is all the same. We addicts take drugs that we don't need or we take them not according to "directions" or we just flat out like them too much -- it all boils down to us and our behavior -- not the identity or dose or method of what we choose to ingest. Sigh. Wish I had some words of wisdom. I don't. I am struggling with my addiction right now too. I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are stuck dealing with his addiction. It is not fair. You are not alone.
just a mom
My heart is really bleeding for you honey. This is not the easiest situation. I am 15 days clean for me and this is not my first rodeo. I'm doing my best day by day to make it my last.
First, nope. Smoke it, shoot it, snort it...no difference. It's an opiate. The length of detox will only depend upon the individual, the amount of daily use and the length of time they have been using. In the best scenario it's damn hard!
Now your situation. You need to have a serious conversation with yourself. You can not fix him. Unless you are willing to go along with him for the ride, jump off the bus, quickly. Mom said it. The addict's only worry is how he/she will get their next fix. I am not proud to admit how so true that statement is. I'm a grandmother for heaven's sake. I was high and I drove with my grandkids in the car. Does that admission shock you? It should. It shocks me. The lesson is that I didn't love my grandchildren any less when I was using but that I put my using BEFORE THEM. Your boyfriend will put his drugs use BEFORE YOU...COUNT ON IT. If that's OK with you and you think you can live with that it's certainly not up to anyone here to make that judgement. However, my advice stands. This ride is far from over. Get off the bus. You need to tell him that his chances are numbered. Rehab or you're outta here. Next relapse ...you're outta here and then you gotta do it. Addicts are the best manipulators in the world. Don't be surprised if he calls your bluff so if you talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.
Look up Doc.Rose and ask for her help. She's going to have alot of good advice for you.
I'm really sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean it to. It's simply that I've been there, done that. As much as he loves you, as I love my family and would easily give my life for anyone of them, when I was using, I put my drugs BEFORE THEM. Does that mean I loved my drugs more than my family. Who knows. I'm not ready to look too closely at that one yet.
Thank you both for the reply
Its so easy for everone else to say get out now, if i wanted to get out I should of a long time ago
but I couldn't I love him and know I cannot help him or make him quit, he will if he wants to but the thing is Ive been around many addicts I know when one is making and effort and truely wants to quit
I see that in him and as long as he continues to try I will do the best I can to support him
Its just hard
I dated another addict before him but he was out of control I got out of that relationship as soon as i saw he wasn't wanting help
I do not want to loose him
more then anything I just want to know how to help.
At this point leaving is not really an option, until I see him give up completly
I'm sorry that our advice doesn't help you. If you intend on hanging in there with him, then you need to get to meetings yourself with others dealing with beloved addicts. Seems like you may have a co-dependent nature...no shame there either. Me too. Get some self-help books if you're willing to take a peak at that. You should get some counseling too.
I think other than support for yourself that's about all you can do. You absolutely have to acknowledge that you CAN NOT HELP HIM. I know. No amount of love and understanding my family gave to me helped me. It is on me and only me. Sorry.
I really have to agree with Cat's earlier post and this one as well. I was a >>>>>> addict . I was on methadone. I also have grandkids. I had kids and parents and like Cat, I loved them dearly and they loved me but I loved drugs so much more and also did things I'm ashamed of. Cat, I really commend you for admitting what you did (driving...). Most of us have been there, done that and even worse. I'm ashamed of so many things but to actually verbalize them, well, thats another story altogether, very difficult. Youre only as sick as your secrets, they say.
Missy, I don't doubt that your b/f loves you and you love him but believe me, his need for drugs will always come first. This is your second addict b/f. That's says more about you then it does about them. You definitely have a co-dependent nature and need to look into ways of looking after yourself. There is NOTHING you can do for him, nothing anyone could do for me either, until I wanted to stop. If he says he wants to stop, tell him to just DO IT. He's stopped before. He can figure it out. He knows the drill. Let him make some phonecalls, go to a meeting, whatever he can to get the help he needs. Unfortunately, you can't figure it out for him. I know you're looking for an answer here, for someone to tell you what you can do to make him stop. There is nothing you can do but maybe go to Alanon, a meeting for loved ones of addicts. Help yourself. That's the most you can do to possibly help him.
There are several on here who have using relatives, doc.rose, kathleenshockley, summertime4me, jbchicken... They can advise you from that perspective but as an addict, I can tell you, opiates #1, loved ones # 2, always.
Hi Missy! Catrina and NYG said it all! I know you want to stick by your BF. My brother is an addict and I had to finally cut ties with him because it consumed me 100%! And I could not handle the rollercoaster ride that is addiction. When Catrina says get off the bus, please take her advice. Because it is one thing to support someone in their time of need, but if that person isn't doing any of the work to get clean, then there isn't much you can do for them. He can only decide what is the right thing for him. I know it might sound like we are being hard on you. Please know that is not our intention. He obviously needs help. I will pray that you can make the right decision for yourself. And I will pray that he makes the right decision also. Please post as much as you need for support. Take care.
How you doing? I have a footnote...I'm rarely at a loss for words. When I told you to get off the bus, this is good advice for both you and your bf. You want to know how to help him? That's the way. I'm sure you've heard the "the addict has to hit bottom"? Well, as someone who loves an addict you might be able to help him hit his bottom. His bottom might be losing you. Have you thought of that? If he gets clean, then MAYBE the both of you with proper support can make another go of it.
Please think about it.
I just left one of my best "thinking chambers"...the shower and a though occured to me. I have found it very insightful to read threads/posts from those here who are not addicts but instead have loved ones who are. Like you. It makes me see their side. I see the chaos and pain I have created in the lives of those I love and it hurts like hell! I think you might find it insightful to see how an active addict's brain works. Read as many posts as you can on this forum. You will see the common things amongst us. It may make you understand your bf's thoughts just a bit better. I mean, really read these posts and read between the lines too!
saw your post that you are committed to staying w/ your bf. that is your decision & as long as you remember to periodically reevaluate your mental health while staying - i support you in that. sounds to me like you believe he is committed to being clean - good for him. i hope he is successful
going to support meetings is a good idea if possible. anything to help youself & him by proxy.
hang in there & let us know how you are.
just a mom
Thank you everyone who responded. Your all definatly right it is a big emotional rollercoaster but at the time being he is scared to death of his disease and wants to quit
I know he does not want this life, and I recently told him I would stick by his side through this...for now. If it continues to get worse I need to be strong enough to get out I realize that, its not something I want to do but I know its a possibility in the future
I may be an idiot for being hopeful but the thing is I see him making changes and improving... he checked himself into detox so he could get threw the withdrawls
Hes committed to going to two meetings a day for the next 90 days...talks to his sponsor like three times a day and bought me 100 drug tests I can use for the next year
I hear the first year of sobriety is the hardest, hopefully he can make it threw it
It sounds like he's making good choices. Good for him. While he's in detox, start to take care of yourself and get healthy. Both are you are going to be counting on your stability so you gotta find some of that somewhere.
Good Luck, honey and take care.