Help! Boyfriend is relapsing after 2 years clean!

[Pock89]

I'm not really sure where to turn, so I'm hoping someone here can help me.

My boyfriend has been clean for 2 years. He was addicted to heroin, but would use pretty much any drug he could get his hands on, as well. He's 24 years old now. He spent about a year and half going from sober house to sober house, after his detox and managed to stay out of trouble for 2 years. I was not with him during the time of detox, but from what he's told me, he went through a pretty rough time.

He recently told me that he's been sniffing oxy for a few weeks. He gets high with his friend, who is deep in a drug addiction. He said he's trying to get clean but struggling because he's so depressed. He keeps saying "I'm trying to get completely clean", and "I promise you I'm going to get clean for us." I'm not sure what that means.

He disappears for hours on end sometimes. When he does this, he doesn't answer any calls or texts from me, and when I finally get a hold of him, he tells me he just has a lot on his mind and needs his space. I have a feeling this is just his time to really get high and do whatever he wants.

A couple of weeks ago, he started buying suboxone from a friend and was taking that but has stopped and is now doing drugs again. He says now that he's doing all sorts of pills.

A few days ago, he said that his friend pressured him into doing heroin. I'm now so worried that he's going to slip back into a heroin addiction. It seems that every time I talk to him about the drugs, he's just getting worse and worse and the drugs he's taking get more serious. Before it was pills, now it's heroin.

I love him and don't want to leave him, but I don't know how to help. I asked him if he wants to go to meetings, and he either just ignores the question or says he'll go and never does.

He said he needs to stop being around his friend who does drugs, and he's mad that he pressured him into doing heroin.
Is staying away from that friend enough to make him get clean?

I know that even if I force him to go to meetings, if he doesn't want to get clean, he won't. I don't want to push too much because he's being open about what he's doing. I'm afraid if I push him too much, he'll stop telling me the truth, and just lie about what he's doing because he knows it upsets me.

I'm so lost. I've made the decision to stay with him, I don't want to leave. But what can I do to help? I'm very worried

[caughtagain]

Hi, I am so sorry for your situation and the honest answer is.... HE NEEDS TO WANT TO QUIT..... That is the thing with addiction and their loved ones... Often the loved ones wants to get him/her to quit and seeks help or ways to get help for their loved one... The challenge is that if the addict is not ready, the chance of him/her quitting is not good. maybe tell him about this site and get him reading...., but the first thing is he needs to want to do it for him.... Keep us posted. All my best, Reid

[Pock89]

Okay I'm back after a few weeks away from this site.
My boyfriend moved into my house on Christmas day and has been staying with me since.
He started doing heroin consistently since the last time I posted here. In the beginning of January, we had a long conversation about what was going on with him. He told me how depressed he has been and that's why he chooses to do drugs. We went out to dinner on a Friday night, and the entire dinner he was sick in the bathroom and I basically ate dinner by myself because he was so sick from the drugs.
The next day he was convinced that he needed to get high and needed to go see his drug dealer. I cried and begged him not to go. I told him that I don't want him coming back home if he goes and gets drugs. He left anyways. He came home a couple of hours later and told me he wants to go to detox. He started calling detox facilities and I dropped him off the next day.
He was gone for 5 days. When he came home, he started going to meetings, and even calling a sponsor.
I thought everything was going really well and I was so proud of him.
He started working on a new job site (he's in construction). He's working with a guy he used to get high with. He swore to me that this guy was clean now and no longer got high.
I had my suspicions about him working with this guy but didn't say anything. He started spending a lot of time with him, and I got even more suspicious.
I finally looked through his phone while he was in the shower and found a text message from someone asking if he wanted to get high that night. My boyfriend told this person that he would but he can't that night because he had already told me that he would be home soon so it would look weird if he was out for a while. My boyfriend then told this person that he'll have his dealer drop some stuff off at his work the next day and they could get high then.
When I confronted my boyfriend about this, he said he had only gotten high 2 times since he's been out of detox. He's only been out for 3 weeks. He said he promises he'll never do drugs again, and go to more meetings (he only goes to 1 per week).

I don't think I believe him that he's clean. I don't know what the next step is.
I don't want to leave him.

I just worry that he's not clean and he's lying.

[caughtagain]

As I said before... he wants to want it... It sounds as though, he is saying/doing whatever he needs too in order to passify you... He wants to use, therefore, he will use.... You have to save yourself, because it is not going to end well (in my opinion)... no trying to sound harsh, but he will lie, cheet, steal to get what he feels he needs. Then when he gets caught, amazingly he will want to quit. Don't buy it. He needs to show you, not tell you.
All my best, Reid

[Pock89]

Thank you for your reply.
It's so hard to leave someone that you love. I just don't think I'm ready or strong enough to do that. I want to believe him when he says he doesn't want to get high anymore and he won't do drugs anymore.
You're absolutely right. If he wants to continue to get high, he will.
I'm starting to feel as if he just went to detox and was just going to meetings to appease me. When he left for detox, I had this gut feeling that he wasn't going because he wanted to get help. I almost felt like he was going just so I wouldn't leave him.
I'm thinking of going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. Have you had any experience with these meetings before?
I'm also considering going to a therapist, and maybe doing a couple of therapy sessions with him as well.
I sometimes have a hard time expressing to him exactly how I feel, because the times I do really get into this kind of discussion with him, he makes me feel as if I'm crazy for thinking these things, and he gets upset that I'm accusing him. I feel like if I maybe have someone from the outside, like a therapist, they can help us both communicate better.
I'm hopeful that things will get better but I'm terrified he'll spiral out of control and his addiction will control both of our lives.

Thank you for your support.

[caughtagain]

Pock. when I was backed into a corner, I went to rehab.... I looked sad before I went, I looked like I "wanted" it...... I detoxed for 3 days, walked out of rehab and went into my trunk and popped pills before I drove home to a hero's welcome for going.... My point is, I agree that if he does not want to quit, he is once again... doing what he needs to do to appease those around him (you) As far as the therapist... same thing.. I went to one... Listened to him, played his game. "Close your eyes.... tell me how you feel".. Blah blah blah.. i went, and did not want to go, but did in order to appease my folks.... Rehab and Therapy are great....... IF THE PERSON WANTS IT>>> Just be careful and look for the signs of B...... S.... if you see them, call him on it. If he embraces it and SHOWS you, then love him and count yourself as one of the lucky ones..... Keep us in the loop and know we are hoping it turns out well for you.... Reid

[MaisieC]

Hi Pock,

Your boyfriend is not clean. He's using regularly, and he's lying to you in a very calculated way. I'm sure he loves you, but he's not treating you very well right now.

I think Alanon would be a GREAT idea for you! It's also a brilliant idea to see a therapist. For yourself. Let your boyfriend decide if he wants to do that, too. You need to give yourself the information and understanding you really need, so you can be strong and make any decisions you may need to make.

Regarding his depression, opiates CAUSE depression over the long run. I'm sure he learned that in detox. If he's depressed, he needs to see a therapist or a psychopharmacologist.

Finally, lock up your valuables. I'm sorry to say this, but it's going to get worse if he doesn't quit, and he's going to steal from you. Don't give him money. Don't leave your credit cards or ATM card where he can get it. Lock up your jewelry. Anything you don't want sold...get it out of that house. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it's very rare that this DOESN'T happen. If you want to give him time to decide what to do, that's one thing. But please go into this with your eyes open, and protect yourself.

Good luck,
Maisie

[korbon]

He came home a couple of hours later and told me he wants to go to detox. He started calling detox facilities and I dropped him off the next day.
He was gone for 5 days. When he came home, he started going to meetings, and even calling a sponsor.

Why was he allowed to leave treatment after only 5 days? I've been in treatment a dozen times and it usually lasts 30 days, if not longer. If he just went in to detox he's barely had time to do that, much less get his head around the things he needs to do to stay clean.

He's not going to stop till he's ready and that's not going to happen till he hits bottom. Until then, sadly, you're the one who will suffer most in this relationship.

[brwneydgrl2384]

Hey Pock,

Much like caughtagain, I went the rehab route three years ago to appease my family. I figured if they saw that I was making an effort then they'd leave me alone about it, because I didn't think that I had a problem. My family, friends, everybody that mattered to me threatened to walk away from me; and because I didn't think I had a problem with anything I didn't believe them. And they never actually did leave which made it easier for me to keep using.

When I was in rehab, they told me over and over again that when you get home you have to change people, places and things. You can't just go back to hanging out with the same people that you were using with before and expect to be okay. I didn't listen to that either, and a little over 2 months out, I picked up and started using again. That was three years ago, and it wasn't until 15 days ago that I decided to stop this craziness for ME. I've been clean for the past two weeks, and I don't plan on being me.

Any addict will tell you that YOU can't fix this for him. No amount of love, or support, or worry is going to get him through this if he doesn't think it's a problem. And obviously I don't know him, but from what you're saying it doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem. I can tell you from experience that you might think he's being honest and open with you, but he's probably only telling you the bare minimum of what he's doing. I always figured if I told the people I cared about that I "slipped up" once or twice, then they wouldn't know how bad I'd gotten.

Everybody's different of course, but at this point (in my opinion) you really need to think about saving yourself. As an addict, we think we have lines that we would NEVER cross, and then it comes time to get that high we're looking for and those lines we wouldn't cross go right out the window. I speak from experience on that. Even though it might feel like it, you're definitely not alone.

Any advice or encouragement that I (or anyone else on this site) can offer is available, all you have to do is post and ask. I hope this helps a little bit at least.

All my best to you and yours...Ava <3

[brwneydgrl2384]

Oops...I meant I don't plan on going back...not I don't plan on being me.

[Robert_325]

Lots of rehabs only do a detox, hence the five days. The good places are as long as you need. It took me multiple rehabs too. The last time it took me close to a month in a regular hospital after the rehab!

Pock .... I've been on this forum for years working with opiate addicts to get clean. I usually don't even reply to girlfriend/boyfriend stories as they are ALL the exact same. You can read the horror stories like your's all over this forum going back to the day the forum started.

He is lying his ass off to you and if you were my daughter, sister or friend, or on this forum in your case, I would tell him to get out until he is willing to subject himself wilingly to you doing a drug test on him randomly any time you want to. If he won't agree then you are just shortening your pain as he will continue to lie to you whether he wants to or not.

If a junkie's lips are moving he's lying! That is the bottom line. How long to do you think that you should be subjected to this? What have you done to deserve it? Likely nothing! Get on with your life and if he cares to join you don't put up with any of his lies, stealing (it will happen if it hasn't yet), manipulation, conning you, etc.

If he really wants to get clean read the following link. I've done this myself, wrote it, and have used this process to get people off opiates, including heroin, for years. But he has to follow what I say to the letter or I won't waste my time. I suggest the same for you. Let me know if he is willing to subject to drug tests and will follow my following plan outlined to the letter. God bless.

http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...apy-50887.html

[Pock89]

Just an update on what's going on...
He has completely spiraled out of control in the past 4 or 5 days. He's been in a serious depression, often times sleeping for 20+ hours at a time.
He has no money at all, and tried to convince me to buy him a bag of heroin last night (which I didn't do!)
He heard me on the phone last night to a friend talking about how hard this has been and talking about the rough shape I've been in for months. I don't think he's ever really understood how this affects anyone else. After I got off the phone he told me how sorry he was and this morning he called and got himself into a detox program.
It's a long term facility, about an hour away from home and he can stay there up to a year. He said he'll stay as long as it takes.
I'll be dropping him off later today.
I feel like I don't even know who this person is. He's definitely not the guy I used to know, definitely not MY boyfriend. He's a stranger to me now. I'm ready to see him go away for a long time.
The last time he went to detox, he was only there for about 5 days, strictly to get the drugs out of his system, no kind of therapy involved.
This time he knows he's not allowed back home for a long time. I don't know what's standard for being in a rehab program. I don't know how long people stay away for. I'm assuming it's on an individual basis, but I'm hoping for at least 6 months. And then what happens after this treatment is over? Does he just come back home and start his life again? Going to work, doing normal day to day things...?
When I first went on this site, I would read people's posts saying their significant other was in a program for months and months and they're so glad that person is away for a long time and I never understood it. I never understood how someone would want the person they have a life with to be in some facility, for months on end. I now understand. I worry every night he doesn't come home, every time I can't get a hold of him. Now I don't need to worry. I know he's safe.
I don't think I can be in a relationship with him right now. I think it's better for him if he's not involved with anyone while he's trying to get better. Maybe when he gets out, but right now I think I'll just be a support system for him.
Thank you for all of your feedback. This site has been a source of strength for me.

[brwneydgrl2384]

Hey Pock...I'm sorry it's come to this for you. I sincerely hope that he stays in this facility for as long as he needs to (or as long as they'll let him) and that he really gets clean this time. I just want to caution you though. I'm not in anyway trying to discourage his efforts or anything like that, just be careful that he's not going to rehab only because he can't get drugs at the moment. I've seen it happen before. A lot of my addict friends would go to a detox facility for a few days when they couldn't come up with any pills because they knew it would at least keep them comfortable for the few days it would take until they could find something to score. Like I said, I'm not saying or even trying to imply that that's what he's doing. But if he's only there for a few days and then thinks he's "cured" and can come home, that should be a red flag.

As far as returning to his regular life whenever he does come home, that's a little bit tricky. I know the rehab that I went to told me that I needed to be careful about returning to anything that may have been associated with my using. Whether it be a job, certain friends, even places I used to go...they told me that as addicts we can have triggers that we don't even know we have until we're faced with them. If he can handle his normal day to day things, and they're not associated with the life he had while he was using, then yes--he comes home and starts to put back the pieces of the life he had before the drugs. They'll teach him how to deal with normal, everyday life without getting high. Most rehab facilities address the underlying issues that most of us have that made us start using in the first place. I know that mine helped me set up a long-term plan for what to do when I got home. It was just up to me to actually follow through on that plan.

As far as your relationship, they may very well tell him that he shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody for awhile after he comes home. Every facility is different, but mine told everybody that was there that we should give ourselves at least a year of trying to put our lives back together before we even attempted to start building a life with somebody else.

Like I said, I sincerely hope that after everything you've both been through, things work out for him this time and he "gets it". And I think it's great that you're willing to continue to be a part of his support system, even if you're not in a relationship with him anymore. He'll definitely need support, especially when he comes home. But please don't focus so much on supporting him that you forget to take care of yourself.

Most of us on here are addicts, but we still know what you're going through. Please continue to post if you need anything at all; and just to let us know how you're both doing. We all understand, and we genuinely care.

Best of luck to both of you. <3 Ava

[JayOmatic]

Good.....good for YOU...and him. Let him get clean. If I were you I would take this fine opportunity to find a brand spankin shiney new boyfriend. One who ownes lots of things and has money to spoil you....instead of Lie and take take take. He will find someone new when he gets clean.

Good luck Pock. Im glad he is getting clean...for him hopefully!

Jay

[kathleen5hockey]

Most rehabs I have delt with cannot keep a person there if they want to leave. It will not help the people who really want help. I agree with Masie, lock up everything, double lock doors. Please take care of yourself. Good luck.

[Pock89]

i dropped him off at a detox facility about an hour away from home yesterday.
I'm assuming I won't hear from him for the next few days until he detoxes and is done with the withdrawals.
He went to this same detox a few years ago and he said that last time, it was a 7 day detox and then a 10 day recovery program and they then help place him in a sober house/halfway house.
Does anyone know anything about a sober house? What happens? How long do you stay for? Can I visit? Call?
I've never done this process before so I'm a little lost as to what happens after the initial detox.

[brwneydgrl2384]

i dropped him off at a detox facility about an hour away from home yesterday.
I'm assuming I won't hear from him for the next few days until he detoxes and is done with the withdrawals.
He went to this same detox a few years ago and he said that last time, it was a 7 day detox and then a 10 day recovery program and they then help place him in a sober house/halfway house.
Does anyone know anything about a sober house? What happens? How long do you stay for? Can I visit? Call?
I've never done this process before so I'm a little lost as to what happens after the initial detox.

I've never been to an actual sober house myself, but I have a few friends that have been in them. The ones in my are allow people to stay there for between 3 months and a year. Most recently, the one my friend was in was a six month program. He had to get some kind of job to pay a small "rental" fee each week, do his assigned chores around the house, and submit to drug tests every time he came back to the house after being gone. I don't really know the policy they have about people visiting him there because I usually just met him for lunch somewhere. Like I said, he was allowed to leave--even on the weekends--he just had to be back in time for curfew, and pass a drug test when he got there for the night. He had access to a computer and was allowed to have his cell phone. I could pretty much talk to him any time I wanted (as long as it was before curfew at night b/c then they didn't have phone time either).

And actually, if you find out the name of the sober house he's going to be going to, you should be able to call them and find out general information about their program and policies.

Hope this helps even a little bit, keep us posted.
<3 Ava

[Pock89]

Hello, all.
Another quick update on my situation.
I dropped my boyfriend off at the sober house about 30 minutes away yesterday.
He said he wants to stay there a long time (6-12 months being the average time for residents) because he needs the structure that the sober house offers.
My fear is that he'll get a few months of clean time under his belt and then think he's okay to come home and do it on his own (which we all know is not the best idea!)

Has anyone had any experience with people living in sober houses? How effective is this type of treatment?
Also, how hard is coming home after the house, when he won't have the strict rules and structure of the sober house?

Thanks again for all of your support and wisdom!
Hope ya'll are having a happy Monday!
<3