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He'll only have sex on cocaine...
We've been together 2 years. I Never did any coke before meeting him. I was introduced to a new exciting world. He's been on it for years just recreational, once or twice a month, although he smokes pot almost every day. I'm a grounded responsible girl with a very good job, who's always lived by the rules. We're both 31. When meeting him i realized i always wanted to try this wild exciting lifestyle...
It was brilliant and the sex was better then any i'd had in my life. despite him disappearing for a day or two at a time (no calls / texts) i decided to let him move in with me as he needed to leave his place. we continued doing coke once or twice a month but sometimes he would come home early hours of the morning after a night out with mates, sleep in the spare room and lock me out. i felt hurt but when confronting him he denied locking the door. after searching the history on his laptop i realized he was high on coke and watching porn - specific preference - milfs. i was devastated, but i talked myself into believing this was just a fetish i couldn't fulfill.
And so the relationship has gone on, for 2 years. except now he doesn't like to include me in the nights out on coke as often as he used to. since this is the only time we have sex... i'm furious! he still comes home and watches porn while i lie in bed. after confronting him several times throughout our relationship concerning the lack of sex he accused me of being selfish and it always being 'about me'. after each binge without me, he apologises profusely and cries, begs for forgiveness and most recently has told me he wants to quit and needs my help. i've never asked him to quit, just include me in the partying! he said he has realized that sooner or later he is going to lose me if he doesn't quit completely. he's given me his bankcard and started to consider further education...
This lasted 2 weeks. he abandoned me again last weekend at the worst possible time - while my sister was visiting us from out of town.
he apologised the next morning, but i continued to be furious that he didn't take me with him, and brought up the issue of sex again telling him to stop seeing me as 'his mother'...
Last edited by ddcmod; 04-27-2010 at 06:40 PM.
I would like to apologise for my above post.
I was looking for a blog concerned with improving sex life.
I stumbled upon this accidentally and have just read various other posts concerning addiction.
I feel like I have been 'under a spell' for the past 2 years.
Get out of that whole situation before you get sucked into the "party" life and can't just walk away. Nothing good will come of this. Save yourself. Kick him out and start fresh without drugs. It will hurt at first, you may miss him and the excitement, but you'll be better off, believe me. Good luck.
I tend to believe that there are no "accidents" or "coincidences." You've found this forum, and I think this is the place you need to be. You are in a relationship with a drug addict - and you need to see this for what it is. He has a big problem - cocaine and pot - and overcoming that is a tremendous undertaking. He has to be totally committed to the process of recovery - for his own sake - if he is going to beat this addiction. You can not do this for him.
Originally Posted by barbie25
In the meantime, you are allowing yourself to be pulled right into the same insanity, by using cocaine. You are basically playing "Russian Roulette" with that drug, and the odds are against you. I've been there. Cocaine ruled my life for a full year, until I finally sought in-patient help (for 6 months!) - it shattered all the success I'd built up for the previous decade. Gone was the successful, meaningful career; gone were the savings and investments; gone were the new car and the great credit rating... gone. That's what cocaine does. It devastates lives - period. It is not a drug to try to "play around" with, "recreationally."
Your boyfriend has made his priorities clear - the drugs come first, before you. That's addiction. And you, rather than wanting him to stop, want to be a part of this insanity with this "wild, exciting lifestyle." Whoa. You are headed for disaster with that way of thinking, hon. You need to educate yourself on addiction, fast.
Abusing pot daily, as well as cocaine, your boyfriend isn't truly "present" in this relationship. He is incapable of true emotional intimacy. It is easier for him to masturbate to porn than to interact in an intimate way with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what cocaine does. It actually creates an articifical sex drive that is so powerful - that it is almost animalistic. It is not a means of "making love" when cocaine is involved. It creates an unquenchable libido, period.
To think that you were seeking out a way to improve your sex life - with a cocaine addict - by means of an internet forum, tells me you have no idea what you are up against. There's no means of "fixing" your sex life when cocaine is involved. The problem is addiction (not sex). Right now, HE has the problem. But on this path, it won't be long until YOU have the same problem. Please stop. Leave this relationship, as Soobie already suggested. It is going to cost you dearly.
I have not been able to stop thinking about what you have wirtten...
I have read every thread all the other women with addicts have posted.
i have cried all afternoon.
i think you have just saved my life. how could i be so naive..?
for the first time in 2 years i finally feel like everything makes sense.
- his complete lack of effort with my friends.
- he has never really bought anything for our home.
- various lies about his past that don't seem to add (years overlap etc.)
- never really treated me to anything, compared to the way i showered him with gifts.
- claimed i smoked 2 yrs worth of his pot instead. (i rarely smoked with him)
- got angry i was taking too many photos at a family function? (his family)
- always seemed uncomfortable in restaurants.
All these 'wierd' behaviours now kinda make sense.
and to think i was shrugging them off because everytime i started worrying about these things i'd have a smoke with him!
come to think of it... sometimes when stoned... i used to see him as a deamon, playing a game with me... i felt way out of my league.
...This whole thing feels quite frightening right now.
I've completely ignored him over the past 3 days - reading these threads and talking to very supportive friends. It feels like the whole world has changed.
i had planned to ask him to read some of these postings tonight, hoping it will have the same effect on him.
unfortunately when i got home he was in bed claiming a ceiling had collapsed at work and he had 2 broken ribs! i was supportive and kind, although couldn't look at him the same way.
I just found the doctors prescription cliaming a piece of ceiling fell on his back. pain but no bruising, no swelling, skin intact. He's been prescribed Ibuprofen!
how many lies have there been?
how do i go about leaving him?
1. should i point out all the evidence of lies, masturbation, broken rib exagerration? and demand an explanation?
2. tell him i'll leave him unless he goes to CA, gives me his phone, we involve his mother?
(please bear in mind he really has been determined to quit for ages without any encouragement from me).
3. just walk out the door and never look back. (difficult as we live in a small party town).
i'm also worried this might push him over the edge into a far worse downward spiral...
If anyone is still reading this very long rant (Ruth? i so hope to hear from you again), thankyou.
Nevertheless just typing this up has been theraputic for me.
i've not seen things this clearly in a long time.
1. will not accomplish much. You are trying to reason with an unreasonable person, an addict. You can't use logic on these people. I've seen this first hand.
Originally Posted by barbie25
2. trying to force an addict to go to CA with threats is not advised. From what I understand CA, NA, etc. are programs of attraction. They are not meant to be forced on anyone. I've been to a couple alanon meetings and what I heard there was you have two choices - accept him the way he is and stay, or leave. That's it.
3. IMO this is your best option. Does he have any friends or family who will offer support? The spiral downward is part of getting to that moment of clarity when addicts realize they have a problem and need to take action. This typically happens when everyone who loved them has left and they are in financial distress, etc.
I'm glad to see you are waking up and taking back some control. We all have free will in this reality. It's great to see you exercising yours.
God Bless, I will pray for you tonight.
I am so relieved to hear that you are becoming aware of what is really going on around you. It is a painful situation, made worse by all the lies and manipulations that an addict routinely doles out. Addiction affects not only the addict, but everyone around him, especially anyone who truly cares about them. So, in a very real sense, the partners of addicts live in their own "denial" of the problem. They (the partners/loved ones) believe the addict's lies, mostly because they want to believe they are telling the truth. But when we are lost in addiction, we (the addict) don't even know what the truth is any more. We've lied and manipulated for so long, we just don't see anything clearly any longer. Above all, we've been lying to ourselves more than anything.
And so, if you were to confront your boyfriend with ALL that you now see - in all liklihood, he will deny and deny. He will lie and twist the facts so profoundly that you will be left to doubt your own truth. Seriously, life with an addict is not unlike life with an insane person. You begin to think that YOU are the crazy one, for seeing what you see or thinking what you think.
The alternative reaction, if you were to confront him with the truth, is that he will dissolve into tears and remorse, plead with you to stay and help him to recover, and make countless tempting promises to change things in the future. Suddenly, you will see that other side of him that you miss seeing - the needy, tender, loving man... and all too easily you'll be weakened in your resolve - and want to stay to "help" him.
Yes, your leaving could very well be his excuse to go deeper into the drugs, deeper into a downward spiral. That is not necessarily a "bad" thing. That may be just what he needs - to recognize the extent of his addictions. When we stay with the addict, when we try to take care of them - we actually enable them to use. We make their drug life easier. But generally, the ONLY way that an addict hits bottom - and seeks out help - is when they are no longer enabled - and they have to FEEL the full consequences of their addiction. In other words, he needs to feel the loss of you.
The addict is a master of manipulation. Trying to talk reason or logic to them is basically futile. No matter what happens, you'll feel completely torn up inside, confused and overwhelmed. It's a bit like trying to nail jello to the wall.
Keep in mind, as I write these things, that I am the addict! I was him. I'm not judging him unfairly; I am speaking from experience - through decades of not only my own insanity, but witnessing the same in countless others. (Note: I work in the field of substance abuse.) This disease is far more complex and more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
So - what to do to leave? Well... if you think you are going to break through to him with the truth of what you see, you're best off giving up that goal - it's highly unlikely. If, rather, you want to leave - and let him know WHY, but not give him the chance to talk you out of it - then I'd leave... and leave behind a message to spell out why you left. Keep in mind, if you leave him a letter - you may be leaving the door open to more communication from him, and that is likely to keep you "stuck" a while longer. That's always a risk.
Your other option was to demand he attend CA, involve his mother,etc. If you read through some of the posts on these boards from loved ones of addicts, you'll see that option is NOT highly recommended. You'll be playing "drug spy" for a good long time. You'll be suspicious of every phone call, every mood swing, every lie you catch him in; it's a very tough way to live! On top of that, you're trying to outsmart an addict, who has been at this kind of secrecy and manipulation a lot longer than you have! If he wants to use, even after making a promise to you, he WILL find a way to do it. There is no security system around that an addict can't find a way to beat.
My suggestion is to leave - period. Love yourself and trust yourself enough to go. This lifestyle with this man is doomed. It will take you no where that you want to be. You have worked hard to have the successes you've had in your life, and you deserve to feel good about the person you are. Staying with him, you will become a person you don't want to be (insecure, needy, anxious, suspicious, etc.) - and you deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. He can't give you that - not for any length of time. (He can do it for a few days or weeks, if he is trying to get back into your good graces, however. So don't fall for that!)
Geez, this has gotten very long - and I hope you're able to sift through it and find a few morsels that may help you through this. Keep on posting... I'm still listening - as are others. You aren't alone.
This is unhealthy. You need to stop enabling this behavior
Thankyou so much to everyone who has posted.
You have all played a very large role probably in saving my life.
I have left him and feel strange, excited, liberated.
I have realised so many things that i was very blind to over the past 2 years.
Thankyou to Ruth for your final lenghthy post. Everything went exactly as you predicted.
I hope you are rewarded for what you do. Your advice to me was priceless. No friends or family could have ever made such an impact on me as you did. Not only because of your personal experience but because of the the warmth and compassion with which you write.
I wish i could give you a big hug and even imburse you - financially, or with somekind of gift. This work you do on this blog, completely voluntarily is far more valuable then any i can think of.
You have completely changed my life.
A few weeks go i was worried about being excluded from the drugs and partying - i would have never imageined i'd be looking for a new place to stay for the summer.
Saying thankyou just using these words on this blog really feels small compared to what you've done for me.
... thankyou. xxx
Originally Posted by barbie25
You just gave me all the "reward" I need, hon - by leaving him and leaving that insanity behind you. To be honest, your attachment to (and blindness to!) him was frightening to me.
Besides, I didn't do the hard work - YOU did. All I did was share what my experience has shown me. You've gotten yourself through a nightmare - and that's the truly remarkable part.
I am so proud of you - and so excited for you and your future plans. Don't let anyone hold you back... you deserve a full and happy life.
Dear Barbie, my next-door neighbors (husband and wife) had a similar situation (cocaine and alcohol, instead of pot) as yours. (She confided everything to me, and I basically begged her to leave the relationship.)
She didn't leave and they now they're together forever....in the cemetery. Thank you for taking a different path.
I have the same problem and i dont know how to deal with it
Originally Posted by giammi
Welcome to the forum. Can you explain a little more about what's going on, and maybe we can be of help. Are you the cocaine addict - or is this your partner? What's been going on? If you could give us a little more information, we'd better understand your concerns.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
Barbie the choice you made probably did save your life and at least your sanity Dog
You cannot help him and he does not appear to want to help himself. As long as he stays on the drugs he will get worse. Combining stimulants and depressants is dangerous. The cocaine is dangerous by itself but combined with alcohol he is really screwing up not only his brain but other vital organs as well. If he exhibits no desire to change and is decieving you on several different fronts you may want to consider ending this relationship instead of going down with a sinking ship. Unless he seeks help he is only going to get worse and at this point he is playing you for a fool. tough to hear but true Good luck Dog
I see that your post was removed, as it probably crosses the line in the DDC guidelines - but I did read it, and wanted to pass on a few words to you.
Your boyfriend is clearly headed downhill in his drug addictions, and my suggestion to you would be to get away from him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the signs are alarming. Between daily use of pot, regular use of booze and cocaine binges, he's certainly addicted.
By the way, a person is rarely addicted to cocaine alone. The crash after using is very uncomfortable, so most users are dependent upon some "downer" to ease it - such as pot or booze.
What you saw of his mood after he finished the cocaine is typical of the psychological let-down after using. Cocaine abusers often struggle with depression, as they come to depend upon the cocaine to artificially make them feel good. It will take months OFF the cocaine for his normal brain chemistry to kick into gear and better regulate his moods.
The sexual antics are classic cocaine behavior - and this is not any kind of 'normal' by any reasoning. His sexual escapades are clear indicators of his increasing cocaine dependency; the fact that he can not (or will not) have sex without it, speaks volumes. Cocaine brings out a very unnatural drive, and the forcefulness that you're seeing is also the cocaine.
As I said in my first post on this thread; your boyfriend can not engage in any kind of an intimate relationship (emotionally or physically intimate) while relying on these drugs. I wrote, "...your boyfriend isn't truly "present" in this relationship. He is incapable of true emotional intimacy. It is easier for him to masturbate to porn than to interact in an intimate way with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what cocaine does. It actually creates an articifical sex drive that is so powerful - that it is almost animalistic. It is not a means of "making love" when cocaine is involved. It creates an unquenchable libido, period."
He is not going to stop cheating with other women; that goes hand-in-hand with cocaine. You do not deserve this! To stay, you are setting yourself up for a lot more heartache and chaos. Drug addiction NEVER gets better over time; it does the opposite. It is a progressive disease - and an addict comes to need more and more drugs to give him the same high. It will affect more and more of his life as time goes on.
Guard your finances. Make sure your cash, checkbooks and credit cards are extremely well hidden. With cocaine addiction, the need for the drug will lead him to do almost anything for the money for more. You need to set up a plan to leave - without warning him - and then do it.
You can not help him. There is NO cutting back when you're into drug addiction this far; the only answer is complete abstinance. Any attempt to "control" his drug use is inevitably going to fail. And there is no answer in stopping ONE drug, while continuing with others. Any of these drugs are fueling his addiction.
Feel free to keep posting - just be cautious with your words, as this forum has guidelines!
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
One more thing, Giammi,
Cocaine is unique in a number of ways. I reread your post and noticed that you said, "What I understood from all my research was that maybe he needed to get high and then he didn’t even knew what he was doing or that maybe he likes doing weird things."
He KNOWS what he is doing. There is no black-out or memory loss from cocaine. What it does - to the extreme - is take away inhibitions, so that is why it is enticing to some to use with sex. He is certainly aware of what he is doing, wants to do what he is doing, and enjoys it - or he wouldn't do it.
If you were to confront him on these escapades, don't be fooled by his saying he doesn't remember. He does.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.