Having to hide my adderall from husband

[beckyvs]

Hello everyone,

I am glad i found this discussion board; I truly don't know what to do, I know I can't take much more.

My husband and I have been married 17 years, we both have children from a previous marriage, which are now grown.

I will try to be brief. My husband has addiction problems, he is an alcoholic, he hasn't drank for 10 years, but he has a major issue with stimulants. For years he would abuse over the counter epinephrine... he told me later that he would take as many as 40 a day, recommended dosage is 2. It was pulled from the market because of the deaths.

The last couple years I have been on Adderall due to the fact that nothing was working for my depression. I took care of my mom and dad from 2007-2009, in which they suffered from horrible deaths, my mom a terminal brain tumor and my father grieved himself to death. I have had and am having a very difficult time dealing with watching them both pass away, I was the primary caregiver and it nearly destroyed me, especially my mother, she died a horrible death.

Since I was put on adderall 2 years ago, my husband will take it out of my bottle. I constantly hide it, to the point that I can't find it at times because I use so many different places. Originally, his philosophy was that he was paying for it ( I left my job to care for my parents), it was only $10 which isn't the point...the other excuse he would use is that I didn't take what I was suppose to so I have some left over.

We had a huge argument and he gave me the adderall that he had, now 2 months later, he's back at it again.

I guess the breaking point for me was that he took some of my son's adderall this time; my son moved back home for now, he denied it but I know he did, my son asked me about some of his adderall being gone.

I am so beat down from the loss of my parents, along with my nephew shortly after that death, along with not working again yet, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to handle him taking my medicine.

I am trying so hard to recover and come to terms with all the loss, but I think sometimes that he is making it harder for me. I don't want to live in my own home having to hide my medication, or my son's medicine being taken. In his mind we only take half of what we need, so we should have enough....I know that is not realistic on his part, it's the addict talking.

I approached him this evening about taking the aderall, he's crashing now, and he tells me that I want to jump him at a time like this...in other words, me fussing at him will cause him to take adderall again, that's another excuse for him...I know he still has some hidden, this is no way to live.

I would appreciate any support or advice. He has turned it around on me for the last couple years, in which I would feel bad, which it doesn't take much to do that to me right now....especially when I'm talking to an addict.

Thank you for taking the time to read, I do appreciate any advice, or anything to point me in the right direction.

Becky

[Denny_D]

Hello everyone,

I am glad i found this discussion board; I truly don't know what to do, I know I can't take much more.

My husband and I have been married 17 years, we both have children from a previous marriage, which are now grown.

I will try to be brief. My husband has addiction problems, he is an alcoholic, he hasn't drank for 10 years, but he has a major issue with stimulants. For years he would abuse over the counter epinephrine... he told me later that he would take as many as 40 a day, recommended dosage is 2. It was pulled from the market because of the deaths.

The last couple years I have been on Adderall due to the fact that nothing was working for my depression. I took care of my mom and dad from 2007-2009, in which they suffered from horrible deaths, my mom a terminal brain tumor and my father grieved himself to death. I have had and am having a very difficult time dealing with watching them both pass away, I was the primary caregiver and it nearly destroyed me, especially my mother, she died a horrible death.

Since I was put on adderall 2 years ago, my husband will take it out of my bottle. I constantly hide it, to the point that I can't find it at times because I use so many different places. Originally, his philosophy was that he was paying for it ( I left my job to care for my parents), it was only $10 which isn't the point...the other excuse he would use is that I didn't take what I was suppose to so I have some left over.

We had a huge argument and he gave me the adderall that he had, now 2 months later, he's back at it again.

I guess the breaking point for me was that he took some of my son's adderall this time; my son moved back home for now, he denied it but I know he did, my son asked me about some of his adderall being gone.

I am so beat down from the loss of my parents, along with my nephew shortly after that death, along with not working again yet, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to handle him taking my medicine.

I am trying so hard to recover and come to terms with all the loss, but I think sometimes that he is making it harder for me. I don't want to live in my own home having to hide my medication, or my son's medicine being taken. In his mind we only take half of what we need, so we should have enough....I know that is not realistic on his part, it's the addict talking.

I approached him this evening about taking the aderall, he's crashing now, and he tells me that I want to jump him at a time like this...in other words, me fussing at him will cause him to take adderall again, that's another excuse for him...I know he still has some hidden, this is no way to live.

I would appreciate any support or advice. He has turned it around on me for the last couple years, in which I would feel bad, which it doesn't take much to do that to me right now....especially when I'm talking to an addict.

Thank you for taking the time to read, I do appreciate any advice, or anything to point me in the right direction.

Becky

Becky ..... I really feel for you and your situation. There have been many here before you with the same troubles and asking what to do. It's a tricky situation for sure and there may not be one best answer.

One thing is a must and that is the addicted one needs to make the decision for him/herself to get themselves clean. You can ask or tell all you want, but until he decides it's time, there isn't too much you can really do.

There has been one thing discussed here on the forum and that would be for you to tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he doesn't stop taking the medication, get himself clean, and go for counseling at NA or AA, you are going to leave him or throw him out of the house.

And then the really tough part, you have to actually follow through with your threats. Not an easy thing to do, but if you don't do as you say, you know that he will just keep going as he has in the past. Give him an ultimatium and hope he takes the bait. But you absolutely have to keep your word.

As addicts we will lie, cheat, and malipulate you in every way that we can. And we are the very best at it. This is my opinion and what I have read of others doing in your situation. What you may end up actually doing is your decision to make. This may give you an idea.

Whatever you decide please know that I am wishing you the very best outcome available. And please keep posting to let us know how things are going with you. Others will be here to offer you their suggestions and advice. Hope this helps. God Bless.....Denny

[ComingHome]

Beckyvs, he will not stop unless he accepts that he has a problem and really wants to quit. Then, he will most likely need outside help to stop. It takes an enormous amount of effort for to quit, on a daily basis, and he doesn't sound like he even wants to quit.

I always say that there are 3 healthy alternatives to any situation: 1) leave it, 2)change it, and 3)accept it. You don't have option number 2 as his problem is out of your control. So, you are left with #1 or #3. Number 3 will be almost impossible as you have already found out -- resentment will continue to build and this is very unhealthy for your emotional and mental states. So, that leaves us with #3. I agree with Denny -- give him an ultimatim and most importantly, stick with it. If he doesn't decide to change and you leave him, he can always make that decision later, and it doesn't mean the door is permanently shut.

CH

[beckyvs]

Thank you so much Denny and CH; you both are right. I have heard him say too many times, he's working on quitting, in which I told him while you are working on quitting, I am paying the price and the price is too high. I am not living with my husband anymore, I'm living with an addict. I see glimpses of my husband and the good person that he is when he's between binges, but that good husband I see less and less.

I'm going to tell him I'm not living with an addict, he can get help or leave. You are absolutely right that I have to stick with what I say, which I know will be so hard, but I also know I can't continue to live this life.

I can't pay the price for his addiction and that is what I have been doing; I have also been enabling by allowing him to stay while he continues to abuse, even to the point of stealing my medication along with my sons recently.

I do appreciate your advice, it helps more than I can say....

Thanks again,

Becky

[ARTIST658]

Dear Becky,

You have my deepest sympathies - your losses were serious, I agree. Ironically, I went through a very similar situation about the same time. I took 24/7 care of my Mom, before she died from cancer in June, 2009 - and my Dad suddenly died 2 months later, in grief. So I do understand your grief - more than most! But - I can promise you - the way past this kind of heartache is NOT with drugs. In fact, drugs are going to keep us stuck in the heartache, one way or another. We don't "process" our emotions when drugs are in the way. It's 2 years later, hon - and a lot of the recovery from your losses should be well on the way toward healing. I say this very lovingly, not judgmentally. It sounds to me like you're stuck in the grief. The way out is with a professional, and/or a grief group - but not a drug.

Before I even discuss your hubby's drug use, the first thing that caught my "alarm bells" was a doctor prescribing you adderall for grief. That makes NO sense to me. (I do work in the field of substance abuse, so I do know these drugs quite well.) It's an amphetamine, not an antidepressant. It's also a highly addictive drug. And I'm especially stunned that the doctor continues to prescribe this amphetamine for grief TWO YEARS later. That sounds really careless on his part.

You may want to discuss this with your doctor - and see if he suggests you weaning off the drug, to avoid any withdrawal symptoms. If anything, an amphetamine is going to make you more jittery and more anxious - which I suspect would make grief worse. And it would also make the situation with hubby more anxiety-producing for you.

It sounds like there's a lot of blame being tossed around your home. He blames you for aggravating him so much he needs more pills - and you blame him for making it harder for you to recover and deal with your losses. In all honesty, neither is true. We are responsible for our own actions - and attitudes - and blame does nothing productive; it keeps us stuck.

As for hubby, CH and Denny are right. You would benefit greatly from Naranon (or Alanon, if you can't find a local Naranon group). You can't make your husband stop using. But you CAN remove yourself from helping him to use. If hubby were an alcoholic, you wouldn't leave an open bottle of his favorite whiskey on the counter. Likewise with these drugs. An addict is always an addict, and temptation like having 2 adderall scripts in the house is far too much temptation for him to resist right now.

If you are not prepared to stop using adderall, there ARE ways of hiding your bottle so well he can't find it - think deviously! (The inside pocket of an old winter coat, inside a dirty sock at the bottom of your hamper, on the bottom of a kotex box...lol) And simply do not give in to giving him ANY. No excuses. Same for your son's prescription bottle - hide it very well - and never give in.

We can't FORCE another person into recovery; however, we can take steps that will bring their "bottom" closer to them - and allow them to fully FEEL the consequences of their drug use.

I concur with their suggestions of setting a "bottom line" with hubby - get help or you're out, in essence. But the whole key to setting such an ultimatum is that you MUST be prepared to follow through. The moment you give in again, you've lost all credibility to ever threaten again. You need to let him know you mean business.

I hope you can read what I wrote in the spirit of concern and love that I intend it, and not take this as any kind of criticism. This is the stuff I deal with in my work, and trying to make the same points in writing - rather than face-to-face, can often leave out the true meaning behind the words.

God bless,
Ruth

[leana]

First of all,let me tell you i am very sorry for your losses.i know how devastating that is and how it completly changes your life.my mom,who was also my best friend died suddenly and unexpected 7 yrs ago when i was 3 months pregnant.it was extemely hard,the pain was unbearable i felt.after i gave birth to my son,i started down the antidepressant road.i tried many,but none would work,or i would have to stop because of the side effects.the dr.than started me on stimulants,like you.he said they are prescribed sometimes when the patient doesnt do well with antidepressants,as a last resort.i been in a common law relationship for about 9 yrs with my boyfriend.he too has an addiction problem.i had to resort to the "sneaking"around to take my meds and hide my meds from him,or else he will take them.ive had so many hiding spots,but he seems to always find them,sooner or later.i was told by a few of his friends,that as soon as i leave the house,the search is on,he goes thru everything until he finds them.its been a horrible way to live.he also plays mind games with me.he would make me second guess myself,on whether i took my pill or not,when it would come up missing.i also have to take pain meds now because of my back,so its twice as hard.i eventually resorted to keeping the bulk at a relatives house,and just a weekly amount here.he has been in rehab a few times,but like someone said,the temptation is hard to resist.since my boyfriend had a severe problem with adderall,i switched over to vyvanse,which is taken once a day,which makes it a little easier at least.but basicly you will have to always lock them up,or take them with you to be safe .

[klopper22]

If he keeps on with no remorse and no desire to stop, you could remind him that for him to take other people's prescription meds is a felony and when he does it again, you will contact the proper authorities to protect you and your son. That may sound drastic, but he would be doing it to himself.

In my opinion, if the adderall is working for you as an antidepressant I dont see the harm in it. It doesnt sound like you are the addict. Mainstream antidepressants have their own sets of side effects. I have taken quite a few of them and most didnt work at all and others left a lot of room for improvement.