Have to Speak Up.

[AshamedButStillTrying]

1st off. I am a lurker and Yes I have a drug problem and I come in here and read stories and follow those who have sucessfully quit in hopes that one day I can finally quit. I have wanted to post so many times and just about the time I feel like I can post I read where some of the ones who have a little clean time under their belt come in here and critize and jump down their throats and brings them to the point of wanting to use. The ones I am talking about, you know who you are and I have followed your stories and I dont recall you ever being treated with advice the way you all are dishing it out to the ones who are reaching out for help. you may not have used like the ones asking for help and guidance has but that doesnt give you the right to say the things the way you say them to the ones asking for help. Everyone comes in here for help , not to be judged as you have been doing. Alot in here I see give great help and does not critize. look at it this way , if someone had said the things to you ,the way you are saying the things to others, you would get defensive and use it as an excuse to use. I know you are probably dying as you read this, to give me a piece of your mind because I am still using and you think I have no right to say anything so no matter what you say to me doesnt matter I still use and dont need an excuse to use, Im using and I know it and I know one day I will have the strength to put the stuff down and walk away from it and need all the help I can to conquer it, so you can jump back on me all you want Im speaking my mind to those who "think they know it all now" just because they have time clean and sober. no one knows it all, people come in here asking for anyone who will listen and help guide them in the right direction, not to be told how stupid they are and how ignorant they are, you all were there before and you are no better then the next person who ask for help and conquers their addiction. so with that said any of you who feel like they are being attacked, I see it the way you do, they are attacking you with the wrong words, its not encouragment they are offering, it seems to be anger from within for some reason and really needs a reality check to realize that was them a while back using and trying to find any excuse to continue to use but so desperately wanting to quit and needed help and someone who would listen and not judge. Its life long battle, if you see it to the end of your lives, then they can say the made it. May God bless all of you who are seeking help and getting it, God Bless those who are still trying and searching for a way to stay clean and Bless those who have mastered it so far and are out here to help others and not cut them down to make them feel worse then they already do. My story will be My story till I feel Im truely ready to conquer it and not until. And to those who are trying so hard to fight this battle, Keep fighting it cause one day , you will conquer it, keep God in your life and he will help. I am putting God in my life and its helping, I just have to find the strength wintin me to get where I need to be ,to walk away from this madness that i created in my life....... God Bless.....

[SoMuchToBeCleanFor]

Ashamed,
Welcome! I hope that you are able to selective read posts that are helpful to you and get the strength you need to quit. Ignore those who you feel are acting in such a way I suppose. What I want to say mostly to your post is that this is a great, positive community and everyone here wants everyone to get better. Everyone wants that for you too, not matter how or why it's right for you. I hope you find the strength here to reach that point. Best of luck to you.

[pbs8218]

1st off. I am a lurker and Yes I have a drug problem and I come in here and read stories and follow those who have sucessfully quit in hopes that one day I can finally quit. I have wanted to post so many times and just about the time I feel like I can post I read where some of the ones who have a little clean time under their belt come in here and critize and jump down their throats and brings them to the point of wanting to use. The ones I am talking about, you know who you are and I have followed your stories and I dont recall you ever being treated with advice the way you all are dishing it out to the ones who are reaching out for help. you may not have used like the ones asking for help and guidance has but that doesnt give you the right to say the things the way you say them to the ones asking for help. Everyone comes in here for help , not to be judged as you have been doing. Alot in here I see give great help and does not critize. look at it this way , if someone had said the things to you ,the way you are saying the things to others, you would get defensive and use it as an excuse to use. I know you are probably dying as you read this, to give me a piece of your mind because I am still using and you think I have no right to say anything so no matter what you say to me doesnt matter I still use and dont need an excuse to use, Im using and I know it and I know one day I will have the strength to put the stuff down and walk away from it and need all the help I can to conquer it, so you can jump back on me all you want Im speaking my mind to those who "think they know it all now" just because they have time clean and sober. no one knows it all, people come in here asking for anyone who will listen and help guide them in the right direction, not to be told how stupid they are and how ignorant they are, you all were there before and you are no better then the next person who ask for help and conquers their addiction. so with that said any of you who feel like they are being attacked, I see it the way you do, they are attacking you with the wrong words, its not encouragment they are offering, it seems to be anger from within for some reason and really needs a reality check to realize that was them a while back using and trying to find any excuse to continue to use but so desperately wanting to quit and needed help and someone who would listen and not judge. Its life long battle, if you see it to the end of your lives, then they can say the made it. May God bless all of you who are seeking help and getting it, God Bless those who are still trying and searching for a way to stay clean and Bless those who have mastered it so far and are out here to help others and not cut them down to make them feel worse then they already do. My story will be My story till I feel Im truely ready to conquer it and not until. And to those who are trying so hard to fight this battle, Keep fighting it cause one day , you will conquer it, keep God in your life and he will help. I am putting God in my life and its helping, I just have to find the strength wintin me to get where I need to be ,to walk away from this madness that i created in my life....... God Bless.....

ashamed, I'm sorry you feel so angry. I know how you feel. I felt that way at times. you sound so desperately trying to find the way. for some people, this forum helps. Heck, I'm a 9 year addict myself. NEVER did I think I EVER would have the strength to quit. I started, I'm quite proud to say, One week ago today. I don't know what you are into, or how heavy you are into it, but everyone needs to start somewhere. I have found most people kind, helpful, and hope to be lifelong friends with them. I and others would be happy to help you with advice, tips, or just an ear. There's always a few bad apples in a bunch, not to say any bad apples here, it's just people think they're helping in different ways. Will you atleast talk to us? Tell us your story? Most of us would move heaven and earth to help you get through this. Most people are just afraid of w/ds. If you plan it, research it, you'll find it doesn't last forever, for some people it's bad, some not so. But it does END. Talk to us.

[melinda7.5]

1st off. I am a lurker and Yes I have a drug problem and I come in here and read stories and follow those who have sucessfully quit in hopes that one day I can finally quit. I have wanted to post so many times and just about the time I feel like I can post I read where some of the ones who have a little clean time under their belt come in here and critize and jump down their throats and brings them to the point of wanting to use. The ones I am talking about, you know who you are and I have followed your stories and I dont recall you ever being treated with advice the way you all are dishing it out to the ones who are reaching out for help. you may not have used like the ones asking for help and guidance has but that doesnt give you the right to say the things the way you say them to the ones asking for help. Everyone comes in here for help , not to be judged as you have been doing. Alot in here I see give great help and does not critize. look at it this way , if someone had said the things to you ,the way you are saying the things to others, you would get defensive and use it as an excuse to use. I know you are probably dying as you read this, to give me a piece of your mind because I am still using and you think I have no right to say anything so no matter what you say to me doesnt matter I still use and dont need an excuse to use, Im using and I know it and I know one day I will have the strength to put the stuff down and walk away from it and need all the help I can to conquer it, so you can jump back on me all you want Im speaking my mind to those who "think they know it all now" just because they have time clean and sober. no one knows it all, people come in here asking for anyone who will listen and help guide them in the right direction, not to be told how stupid they are and how ignorant they are, you all were there before and you are no better then the next person who ask for help and conquers their addiction. so with that said any of you who feel like they are being attacked, I see it the way you do, they are attacking you with the wrong words, its not encouragment they are offering, it seems to be anger from within for some reason and really needs a reality check to realize that was them a while back using and trying to find any excuse to continue to use but so desperately wanting to quit and needed help and someone who would listen and not judge. Its life long battle, if you see it to the end of your lives, then they can say the made it. May God bless all of you who are seeking help and getting it, God Bless those who are still trying and searching for a way to stay clean and Bless those who have mastered it so far and are out here to help others and not cut them down to make them feel worse then they already do. My story will be My story till I feel Im truely ready to conquer it and not until. And to those who are trying so hard to fight this battle, Keep fighting it cause one day , you will conquer it, keep God in your life and he will help. I am putting God in my life and its helping, I just have to find the strength wintin me to get where I need to be ,to walk away from this madness that i created in my life....... God Bless.....

Hi Ashamed
We have all had to find the strength to fight are battles.And you have to best helper on your side when you call on the Good Lord to help you.
This is also a very good place to come to,We are very understanding 99% of the time. People just get a little edgey sometimes,when there going through withdrawals.but if you ever need us we would be right there for you.
So please post when ever you are ready or just need to talk .
looking forward to hearing from you.
Talk to you soon ,Melinda

PS...I will be praying for you...

[pbs8218]

Ashamed,
Welcome! I hope that you are able to selective read posts that are helpful to you and get the strength you need to quit. Ignore those who you feel are acting in such a way I suppose. What I want to say mostly to your post is that this is a great, positive community and everyone here wants everyone to get better. Everyone wants that for you too, not matter how or why it's right for you. I hope you find the strength here to reach that point. Best of luck to you.

Oh, and by the way, i was a lurker too. What I read is what gave me the strength to post, just as you did. Nothing wrong with that, it has to start somewhere!

[icandoitin08]

I am pretty sure you are referring to me in your post. I would like you to understand that I posted out of emotion. To be honest, I really wish someone would have said those same words to me. I was going around in circles, and needed help. I really did and do want to help. When I saw that a Dr was called and more pills were given I was angry. Those were the same things I used to do. I needed a slap in the face. I am sorry that you were offended. Please do not give up on this forum.
Cheryl

[sisterwin2]

1st off. I am a lurker and Yes I have a drug problem and I come in here and read stories and follow those who have sucessfully quit in hopes that one day I can finally quit. I have wanted to post so many times and just about the time I feel like I can post I read where some of the ones who have a little clean time under their belt come in here and critize and jump down their throats and brings them to the point of wanting to use. The ones I am talking about, you know who you are and I have followed your stories and I dont recall you ever being treated with advice the way you all are dishing it out to the ones who are reaching out for help. you may not have used like the ones asking for help and guidance has but that doesnt give you the right to say the things the way you say them to the ones asking for help. Everyone comes in here for help , not to be judged as you have been doing. Alot in here I see give great help and does not critize. look at it this way , if someone had said the things to you ,the way you are saying the things to others, you would get defensive and use it as an excuse to use. I know you are probably dying as you read this, to give me a piece of your mind because I am still using and you think I have no right to say anything so no matter what you say to me doesnt matter I still use and dont need an excuse to use, Im using and I know it and I know one day I will have the strength to put the stuff down and walk away from it and need all the help I can to conquer it, so you can jump back on me all you want Im speaking my mind to those who "think they know it all now" just because they have time clean and sober. no one knows it all, people come in here asking for anyone who will listen and help guide them in the right direction, not to be told how stupid they are and how ignorant they are, you all were there before and you are no better then the next person who ask for help and conquers their addiction. so with that said any of you who feel like they are being attacked, I see it the way you do, they are attacking you with the wrong words, its not encouragment they are offering, it seems to be anger from within for some reason and really needs a reality check to realize that was them a while back using and trying to find any excuse to continue to use but so desperately wanting to quit and needed help and someone who would listen and not judge. Its life long battle, if you see it to the end of your lives, then they can say the made it. May God bless all of you who are seeking help and getting it, God Bless those who are still trying and searching for a way to stay clean and Bless those who have mastered it so far and are out here to help others and not cut them down to make them feel worse then they already do. My story will be My story till I feel Im truely ready to conquer it and not until. And to those who are trying so hard to fight this battle, Keep fighting it cause one day , you will conquer it, keep God in your life and he will help. I am putting God in my life and its helping, I just have to find the strength wintin me to get where I need to be ,to walk away from this madness that i created in my life....... God Bless.....

Wow.... given a lot of power to someone on the net. Someones post taking a person to use? I wonder what a rainy day would do.

We all have to walk our own paths to recovery....we all get their in our way.. some stay there, some dont. Some are sicker then others, some are able to step off without a problem. Some will die using, end up in jail or some will get busted and forced to stop for the time being. Some have the power w/in, a lot dont.

But to say that a post from a complete stranger will carry them to their dope.... I hope my support system is a bit stronger then that. Surely it is not my will power that will keep me clean. I have proven that for many yrs.

Good luck in your recovery,
Sister.

[cagirl]

Hi and Welcome Ashamed....I just have to add I have had nothing but positive criticism here everyone Is just trying to help one another...I wish the best for you!!!!! Good Luck!!!

[AshamedButStillTrying]

Sisterwin :You are the perfect example of being so sarcastic that you dont even realize you are hurtfull with your words.. you need to back up and realize that you were once in their shoes and was craving for some guidance and help , not to be judged and downgraded as you have done in alot of post lately. if you wasnt guilty of it you wouldnt have been so defensive in your reply. and yes I know your story and how Robert helped you and he never once was cruel and sarcastic to you . He is truely one who I look up to in here as many. but stop and think before you use such words that you feel are helpful when they are hurtful and an excuse to use is an excuse to use, im sure you recall the days.

icandoitin08 : No you are not one that i have seen that went off on an individual and made them feel worse then they already do when they finally have the nerve to ask for help. keep up the great work and stay clean I wish I could and one day I will..

Melinda : You are a sweetheart, your words are just what alot need to hear, your struggle, your conquer, and words of ecouragement.

cagrl:.. you are not one I am speaking of.. helpful critism is good but sarcasm isnt and thats what Im speaking of and your not one who I see dishin it out..


pbs8218: I take from 40-60 mg of hydrocodone (loracets) a day some days I get down to 30mg.. but thats alot in any way and have been using for the better part of 20 yrs or more. I use to use anywhere from 150 to 200 mg a day of the drug . I choose to use and continue to use but trying to get myself down to a level to jump off of.. I am gathering all the things I need from the Thomas Recipe to make this final jummp to help with the withdrawls. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

[pbs8218]

Sisterwin :You are the perfect example of being so sarcastic that you dont even realize you are hurtfull with your words.. you need to back up and realize that you were once in their shoes and was craving for some guidance and help , not to be judged and downgraded as you have done in alot of post lately. if you wasnt guilty of it you wouldnt have been so defensive in your reply. and yes I know your story and how Robert helped you and he never once was cruel and sarcastic to you . He is truely one who I look up to in here as many. but stop and think before you use such words that you feel are helpful when they are hurtful and an excuse to use is an excuse to use, im sure you recall the days.

icandoitin08 : No you are not one that i have seen that went off on an individual and made them feel worse then they already do when they finally have the nerve to ask for help. keep up the great work and stay clean I wish I could and one day I will..

Melinda : You are a sweetheart, your words are just what alot need to hear, your struggle, your conquer, and words of ecouragement.

cagrl:.. you are not one I am speaking of.. helpful critism is good but sarcasm isnt and thats what Im speaking of and your not one who I see dishin it out..


pbs8218: I take from 40-60 mg of hydrocodone (loracets) a day some days I get down to 30mg.. but thats alot in any way and have been using for the better part of 20 yrs or more. I use to use anywhere from 150 to 200 mg a day of the drug . I choose to use and continue to use but trying to get myself down to a level to jump off of.. I am gathering all the things I need from the Thomas Recipe to make this final jummp to help with the withdrawls. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

When you are ready to set a date, tell us all----we are all here. Please let it be soon. w/ds aren't forever. Knowledge is everything. Good luck Peg

[Lost83]

Ok, I am not an addict, I am married to one, most know some of my story, and I just have to step in here and say that there is a lot of unecessary bickering going on here, this is not what this forum is for and personally, I am tired of seeing it. Either have something constructive to say, or don't post at all, it's that simple. There is no reason to continue beating a dead horse. This is getting out of hand.

[pbs8218]

lost83-who's bickering here? All i see is encouragement. If I have said anything that can be miscontrued as being negative, I'm sorry.

[AshamedButStillTrying]

Yes Lost I have read your story from start to finish and you are a very strong woman and I admire you for it, But I have wanted to post and ask for help so many times then I see the ones who I had looked up too start to cut the ones asking for help down and hurting them with their words.. thats not something I want.. and from the ones being cut down for telling their story the replies have caused alot who are begging for help and a friend to leave and thats not what all this is for.. you take your experience and help just like you are helping the ones who are living with an addict and tell your struggles and feelings and how you are dealing with it all.. You are a very good example of how to cope and try to deal with an addict and I so admire you for your strength.. If I had just a quarter of your strength I wouldnt be still using... But I dont. I just stated that some seem to think by using sarcasm and slurs and more less telling them they are stupid is the way to help when in fact if they go back and look at their own struggles they werent treated the way they are now treating others.. One day I will be able to help someone and right now I need help and know it but for me to tell my story and hope I get a good response is scary because of all the rude and sarcastic remarks made to the ones needing help.. thats not right.so like i say, My story will remain my story till Im ready to face it..
Your story has helped many many people as well as actually your one of the reasons I started cutting back because I can see what Im doing to my family by your story and I think they know nothing but I feel like they do, so thank you for that.

[Lost83]

I'm not getting involved jsut tired of seeing the negativity and the need to keep bringing it up, move on and use this site as a tool for which it was meant. We all have issues and come here for advice, support, and encouragement, people are entitled to their opinion however, when it becomes abusive towards others and aimed at particular people it defeats the purpose of this forum

[icandoitin08]

Yes Lost I have read your story from start to finish and you are a very strong woman and I admire you for it, But I have wanted to post and ask for help so many times then I see the ones who I had looked up too start to cut the ones asking for help down and hurting them with their words.. thats not something I want.. and from the ones being cut down for telling their story the replies have caused alot who are begging for help and a friend to leave and thats not what all this is for.. you take your experience and help just like you are helping the ones who are living with an addict and tell your struggles and feelings and how you are dealing with it all.. You are a very good example of how to cope and try to deal with an addict and I so admire you for your strength.. If I had just a quarter of your strength I wouldnt be still using... But I dont. I just stated that some seem to think by using sarcasm and slurs and more less telling them they are stupid is the way to help when in fact if they go back and look at their own struggles they werent treated the way they are now treating others.. One day I will be able to help someone and right now I need help and know it but for me to tell my story and hope I get a good response is scary because of all the rude and sarcastic remarks made to the ones needing help.. thats not right.so like i say, My story will remain my story till Im ready to face it..
Your story has helped many many people as well as actually your one of the reasons I started cutting back because I can see what Im doing to my family by your story and I think they know nothing but I feel like they do, so thank you for that.

Ashamed. I think you should give it a try. Share with us. You will get support. i don't know what your drug of choice is, but, you can do it. and people here can help

[Lost83]

Ashamed,

I am glad my story could give you some perspective.

There were times when some advice I received was brutally honest, not attacking me personally just a different perspective. I don't agree with everything that is said on this forum and we all have the right to our opinions but when we all start pointing fingers at people defers all of our attention from the initial reason we started utilizing this site. I just hope we call all get back to the reason we came here which is for help.

I wish nothing but the best for you on your journey and hope your road to recovery starts sooner than later as no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Good luck to you!

[musicman48]

Yes Lost I have read your story from start to finish and you are a very strong woman and I admire you for it, But I have wanted to post and ask for help so many times then I see the ones who I had looked up too start to cut the ones asking for help down and hurting them with their words.. thats not something I want.. and from the ones being cut down for telling their story the replies have caused alot who are begging for help and a friend to leave and thats not what all this is for.. you take your experience and help just like you are helping the ones who are living with an addict and tell your struggles and feelings and how you are dealing with it all.. You are a very good example of how to cope and try to deal with an addict and I so admire you for your strength.. If I had just a quarter of your strength I wouldnt be still using... But I dont. I just stated that some seem to think by using sarcasm and slurs and more less telling them they are stupid is the way to help when in fact if they go back and look at their own struggles they werent treated the way they are now treating others.. One day I will be able to help someone and right now I need help and know it but for me to tell my story and hope I get a good response is scary because of all the rude and sarcastic remarks made to the ones needing help.. thats not right.so like i say, My story will remain my story till Im ready to face it..
Your story has helped many many people as well as actually your one of the reasons I started cutting back because I can see what Im doing to my family by your story and I think they know nothing but I feel like they do, so thank you for that.

First of all congrats on getting your dosage lower.You are getting close .I really hope you beat this addiction .You will never regret it..I wanted to let you know that there is a feature where you can put a poster on ignore if they seem offensive to you and you will not see their posts.Through your User Control Panel: User CP, Settings & Options, Edit Ignore List. Then, type their name into the empty text box and click 'Okay'.Best of luck to you and keep posting and let us all know how you are doing..I am not taking issue with anyone.Just trying to help..Good luck

[AshamedButStillTrying]

I cant right now share my story because Im sitting here crying for myself and the ones lately who have asked for help and some comfort and guidance and they only get shamed by those who think its ok to use the get in your face and make you feel worse then you already do approach. I dont need that in my life, I live with the guilt every minute of everyday and everytime I open that bottle "to get another pill". the shame I carry inside is enough to think I dont deserve to live life anymore. being an addict is like trying to fight for your life against yourself and always loosing. Im tired of the fight but I keep doing it and one day I may win or I may loose I dont know, One day.. the day will be mine to win.. and that will be the day I live again..

Yes lost your story and struggles has changed how I look at things from my families eyes, they know nothing of my stuggle and to know I am hurting them and they are as scared to say anything to me as I am to say anything to them kills me..I look into their eyes everyday and wonder"do they know?"
I agree things need to get back to like it use to be.. I have been a lurker for so many years and to see how things are in here now finally just hit me and I had to say something. and maybe I shouldnt have but who knows , this may be what I needed to kick myself in the rear and do something, but right now I will continue to say, My story is mine until Im ready.

[icandoitin08]

they only get shamed by those who think its ok to use the get in your face and make you feel worse


I do not think it is ok for someone to use. Even when I was using I knew it was wrong. The fact that you are crying is good, you still have emotions. Near the end, I did not have any. All I cared about was myself, not even my own family. You wonder if they know, well I am sure they know something is wrong, or different about you.

I will not encourage you to use, but I will encourage you to post when you need to.

[AshamedButStillTrying]

I do not encourage use either even though I am still using.. and yes I do still have alot of feelings and I do cry and still do laugh some , just not like I use to. these pills have ran me down to where I dont even want to function on them for fear the more I get out and do the more I "find"per say to use..I know that is stupid to think that way I dont have to be told that but these things put you in a mindset that you dont know which way is up anymore. You dont know which way to go. the desire to go out and do things are still there but they have put a fear in me that I dont want to leave my home, I am a prisoner in my own body and I want out, but there is always a "but this" and "but that". I come in here and read stories and sit and cry and want to reach out for help but I dont, then there are days I see myself in every post and wonder if I will ever be "normal " again..like i said it is a constant fight and I do want to cry out for help and I do want to tell my long story and i sit and write down what I want to say and ask and want to know and most questions I see are the same as mine then Wham someone goes and uses the approach I so fear I will get when I do ask for help and will cause me to close up even more then what I already am. thats my whole point in this. we sit and lurk and cry inside for help and keep reading and reading and getting closer and closer to "comming out" and asking for help and guidance , then I see the rude remarks and in your face, disgrace remarks and I close up again and keep my secret to myself.
So I guess this is my 1st step into finally outting myself in a small way so if baby steps is what it takes then I will walk them but I refuse to walk them when someone is there to push me down
If I offended some of you who are truely here to help and mean well then yes I am sorry but I dont apologize to the ones that keep doing it over and over to the ones crying out for help.

[learning_to_be_free]

sounds like you are ready? lurking for years that has to be very hard on you I so know those feelings of guilt but thats whats great about here what you arent ready to tell the family yet you can let it lose here and what a relief. I hope that a few bad back & forths caused by everyone having such strong feelings wont stop you. the first time I got on here and really didnt know how to use it people were bickering about what professions are bad for recovery!!! they were the 1st posts I ever saw. But I just said to myself, "these peps are argueing over nothing, not helping each other, they must of struck a nerve in each other but that bound to happen sometime with some many people with differant opinions"I thought it was silly & hurtful to both people to argue over something like that but I keep looking and like you I found a great deal of compasionate people willing to give anything to help and now for the millionth time Im on my way to a free life and I have more hope than ever! I have seen my share of posts that I think went to far I have also seen people say they were sorry their emotions got the best of em and moved on. I hope you post soon you have me intrigued lol no really I just want you to have a better life. you already have a great start with your taper the guilt will or is probably is eating you alive please give it a shot hope to see ya soon great job on the taper! post if you need some help, advice, or just an ear. I found tapering to be very hard, actually I couldnt do it right at all! but Im very happy its working for you and I think its probably best at the amounts your at if you can handle it & you sound like you can so congrats your on your way

[Anonymous]

I have found through my vic addiction that emotions are amplified when you are high on the pills. My anger was terrible for the last few months and I took it out on all the wrong people. I have found this site to be helpful, it comforts me to know the stories of other people going through the same thing I am.
I used no abused vicoding for almost a year and I was taking 5 or 6 pills at a time and using 12-15 sometimes more per day. Quitting cold turkey has been hard the first 2-4 days were sheer hell but there is a life after the pain. You have a lot of people in here who still using or are going through a difficult w/d period so all of our emotions are on the table. I have found most in here to be very supportive and understanding...no judgement just unquestioned support for my recovery.
Lets all calm down and take a real look at the problem. You are here because some part of you no matter how small wants you to stop the viscious drug abuse cycle. Let us help you, we cannot make you quit you have to find it within yourself to do that and when you do we will be here to support and root you on.

NOTHING BUT BEST WISHES !

[AshamedButStillTrying]

Thank you learning_to_be_free. and yes the guilt eats at me sometimes so bad I look at the bottle"full" of pills and actually just want to down them all and end it, then I think what if because I have been on them so long all I do is end up in the hospital having my stomach pumped and fighting mad because I woke up and Im still here fighting this battle. I know Im not the first to think that way. I have seen many people i know accomplish it and I still keep using ... why? I dont know.. fear of withdrawls..fear of finally being "normal" again when I have used to escape so much pain and hurt. I dont know..to finally tell and start fighting to be sober is something I want to face so badly but scared to jump in and do it.. 20 plus years doing the same routine and making a change for the better is just still hard to grab onto. the taper has not been easy but I have accomplished that.. I take the loracets and break them in half and only take a half at a time but still manages 30-60 mgs a day depending on "my excuses" to myself to take them closer together. its getting harder and harder to taper much lower.. Methadone is out of the question we dont have any clinic close at all to me(plus have taken the stuff and dont even like how it makes me feel ), Sub treatment is out ,closest to me is over 200 miles away, and yes I know if I can afford loracets I should be able to afford that but I cant. So I continue to try and taper more and more. like I said ....One day.. the day will be mine to win.. and that will be the day I live again.

[learning_to_be_free]

Thank you learning_to_be_free. and yes the guilt eats at me sometimes so bad I look at the bottle"full" of pills and actually just want to down them all and end it, then I think what if because I have been on them so long all I do is end up in the hospital having my stomach pumped and fighting mad because I woke up and Im still here fighting this battle. I know Im not the first to think that way. I have seen many people i know accomplish it and I still keep using ... why? I dont know.. fear of withdrawls..fear of finally being "normal" again when I have used to escape so much pain and hurt. I dont know..to finally tell and start fighting to be sober is something I want to face so badly but scared to jump in and do it.. 20 plus years doing the same routine and making a change for the better is just still hard to grab onto. the taper has not been easy but I have accomplished that.. I take the loracets and break them in half and only take a half at a time but still manages 30-60 mgs a day depending on "my excuses" to myself to take them closer together. its getting harder and harder to taper much lower.. Methadone is out of the question we dont have any clinic close at all to me(plus have taken the stuff and dont even like how it makes me feel ), Sub treatment is out ,closest to me is over 200 miles away, and yes I know if I can afford loracets I should be able to afford that but I cant. So I continue to try and taper more and more. like I said ....One day.. the day will be mine to win.. and that will be the day I live again.

hopefully a sub dr will be close soon I find that their spreading like wild fire and if you think sub might help then go on their website and make a comment about no treatment being anywhere close I sure they'll hunt down some dr willing to do it it doesnt take much for them to get certified for it. maybe ask Robert he knows tons about sub. I will pray for your taper to continue successfully Once you get even alittle lower try not to go back. any lower amount is better than before even a half tab lower than last week if ya no what I mean any progress is good Tapering is hard but if its the only option try your best. I found it way too hard but I had options I feel even if it takes a year after that year will be a better life so its worth it. do what ever you can for now. maybe try some meetings you dont have to be clean to go & maybe people there can advice you of any resources you may not know about. plus you wont feel so alone keep the faith you can do this! Keeping you in my prayers

[AshamedButStillTrying]

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers , I pray every night that God takes the burden of addiction from me and guides me in the right direction.. and I wake every morning with the same withdrawls and reach for my bottle. skin crawling, anxiety through the roof and shakes. I try to go an extra 30 minutes to an hour and its pure hell.. I am so scared I will never get past the effects of not having them in me even if its just a 5 mg at a time. I have tried to quit so many times and always within days fall right back into the same vicious cycle. I have even gotten xanax to help with all the withdrawls and only make it a few days as my brain is so rewired with these pills that its so hard to function without them. I have read so much of different things to do and believe me I have tried them all and still end up right where I am now. I do cry alot more then I use to because I am so disappointed in myself and what I have done to myself and what I am doing to my family and it does hurt so bad but I am a prisioner to the drugs. I know life in jail is worse and having a record and destroying everything I have worked so hard to have in life. I keep holding on to the one thing that I know one day I will win and when I win that day then I will live again. I have lost 2 marriages and a home and friends but I still continue so I know the low points you reach, and the cycle continues. but as I said thank you for keeping me in your prayers as I do each and everyone who is struggling the same way I am and the lurkers who are scared to ask for help because I know there is many like me and many who conquer the addiction..

[icandoitin08]

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers , I pray every night that God takes the burden of addiction from me and guides me in the right direction.. and I wake every morning with the same withdrawls and reach for my bottle. skin crawling, anxiety through the roof and shakes. I try to go an extra 30 minutes to an hour and its pure hell.. I am so scared I will never get past the effects of not having them in me even if its just a 5 mg at a time. I have tried to quit so many times and always within days fall right back into the same vicious cycle. I have even gotten xanax to help with all the withdrawls and only make it a few days as my brain is so rewired with these pills that its so hard to function without them. I have read so much of different things to do and believe me I have tried them all and still end up right where I am now. I do cry alot more then I use to because I am so disappointed in myself and what I have done to myself and what I am doing to my family and it does hurt so bad but I am a prisioner to the drugs. I know life in jail is worse and having a record and destroying everything I have worked so hard to have in life. I keep holding on to the one thing that I know one day I will win and when I win that day then I will live again. I have lost 2 marriages and a home and friends but I still continue so I know the low points you reach, and the cycle continues. but as I said thank you for keeping me in your prayers as I do each and everyone who is struggling the same way I am and the lurkers who are scared to ask for help because I know there is many like me and many who conquer the addiction..

You sound so much like me. Have you been on the Suboxone website, they update daily with new doctors. www.turntohelp.com I was so scared the suboxone would not work. I even had the pills filled and at the pharmacy ready for me to pick up for a week. Fast forward. They really do work. Once the induction started I was feeling normal within a little over 2 hours. But, within 35 mins so much of the w/d went away. I was in shock, I could not believe it. It was really working!! The cost is nothing when I added up what I had spent on pills in the past. Suboxone is a great way to get treatment started. If you want to talk privately about it e mail me stronger09@gmail.com

[AshamedButStillTrying]

Yes I have been on almost all the Sub sites and even done as you said about trying to find one closer to me and so far no luck. I am hoping one day they will be closer or even "one" of the people I deal with will come across them because I will jump on them..I keep up with how to use them and how long you have to be in withdrawl and all and seen almost all of Roberts suggestions on the taper of them and short use of them. I have all that I keep up with in hopes one day I will be blessed enough to have them for myself and get through this nightmare I seem to stay in. I know alot seem to think its trading one drug for another but if used correctly it is not. its a tool to be used to conquer addiction, or at least that is how I feel about them. I will keep your email handy for when" Im ready " to tell my long story and all my attempts at a clean life and my failures and losses and low moments and plans but right now I still fell the need to stay as private as I can, you are helping me alot so dont even think you are not, you have opened yourself to me and I will eventually contact you for a one on one..

[icandoitin08]

I respect your privacy and I do understand it. When you are ready I will be ready to listen without judgment. I have some whoppers I can tell you too. That is good that you have been to the suboxone sites. Have you been on www.turntohelp.com ?? I believe that is their official site, may be more accurate.
I hope that you will be ready sooner rather than later. I am going to keep you in my prayers until that day comes, and I mean it!

[AshamedButStillTrying]

Thank you Cheryl and you bring tears to my eyes to know your willing to help without judgement, I just have to get past the fear of being judged because it has happened in the past and I judge myself enough without the help of others. And yes I have went to that site and thats where I put in my zip and the closest is right under 200 miles from me so I did send an email in hopes that a doctor closer would be found. I have asked so many people here about Sub and most look at me like Im crazy because they have never heard of it so that tells you alot about my community but I know one day it will be known and the help will be there unless I finally conquer this nghtmare "Cold Turkey" again I thank you for understanding and your patience with me and also your prayers.. you are in mine as well..

[icandoitin08]

If you are like me, and it sounds like you are, then you judge yourself harder then anyone else could judge you. You are harder on yourself than anyone else can be on you. I pray a sub dr comes to your area. I am a firm believer that when the time is right you will know it is time to quit. Towards the end I did not even get a buzz off of them.

Keep in mind this next part is all on a tuesday.I went to one of my drs and he gave me a script for 90 the pharmacy would not fill them, they never told me why but i know why. They called my dr and he called me and said he could no longer treat me. I was so mad and all I kept saying to my husband is I had 90, like yelling it. I had 90, I screwed up! I was crying and so mad at myself. I knew deep down not to go that pharmacy, yet I did go to it. I HAD 90, 90, 90 My husband said maybe this is a sign. I freaked when he said that, who the hell is he to tell me what my sign to quit is! I told him I am not going w/o pills and I need 100.00 he said we honestly dont have it. I told him I was going to flush his pot. We went round and round. So I decided to call the sub doc and got an appointment that same day. I lied to my husband about how much it cost too. Honestly, the only reason I went is because I recently had surgery and I was convinced that I NEEDED more pain medication( It was too soon to get some from the suregon, I filled a refill the day before for 40) I figured the doc would see my wound and agree that yes, I need to still be taking medication. Guess what, she did not agree with me. So she gave me the script and I took it to the drug store and left it there. . Then I went to one of my dealers and spent 100.00 for some pills, remember I lied to my husband about the cost of the suboxone. Two days later, thursday I spent 60.00 to get more. The very next day, Friday I called my suergon and got 80 pills. Then,Monday I spent 40.00 and again Ok now we are at the next Tuesday I had to drive accross town to get money from hubby to get the subs right, so I drive forever to meet him, I take him to cash his check, but, its veterans day so we have to find a party store. This time I lie about how much the subs are I still want the other pills so I spent another 100 for even more pills. I did pick up the script(suboxone) that day ONLY because I saw his check and knew there really was not going to be extra money for the week. I figured it is now or never. I made up my mind enought was enough. So now it is Wednesday and I am hurting in pretty good w/d before I even get up out of bed at 11:00 I go to work and I look and feel like shi&. Robert and longroad both help me with the induction.

Ok, I am now 10 days with out my drug of choice and I do not even miss it! I even found a pill in my couch one week ago today and I freaked! First of all how could I lose one the way I was always counting them. I thought like the addict I am right away, I wanted it, it was in my hot little hand. But you know what? I took that pill to mu husband and we flushed it together! Never in my addicted life have I flushed a pill! I dont think about them anymore and I dont want them either. I feel so normal and I long for you to feel this was as soon as you can!