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Hard time admitting that I can't do cold turkey again.
  1. #1
    SomeDay is offline Member
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    Default Hard time admitting that I can't do cold turkey again.

    About a year and a half ago, I somehow summoned the strength to go cold turkey from high doses of opiates, zanax, and a few others simultaneously. As you can imagine, that was an experience that will stay with me forever. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. Anyway, I lasted about 45 days and unfortunately relapsed after a night of heavy drinking that produced extreme anxiety. Of course the old "just 1" took over.

    Since then, I have tried quitting many times, mostly cold turkey. There is something in my mind that is telling me that since I was able to make it that one time cold turkey, that this is the way I need to do it now, or I will somehow be less of a person and admit I am weaker now than I was back then, which nobody ever wants to admit. That time, and every time I have ever tried quitting, has taking something out of me. It gets harder each time. I am tired both physically and mentally.

    Now it seems that a smart person would decide to get clean regardless of the method they used before. But something inside me just tells me that the reward of sobriety won't be as good if the path taken is easier. I know this is stupid, because it has taken me all of these attempts and I still have not succeeded. I did start cold turkey last wednesday, but ultimately ended up taking tapered doses instead. An surprisingly I have stuck to the taper. The doctor also prescribed me Ritalin for ADHD. To my surprise, it has significantly reduced my opiate cravings. Probably because it has my mind going a million miles an hour. I think I just forget about them.

    So when I decided to go to the doctor to get a refill to do the taper, I of course began to feel this sense of failure, since I had done something in the past, but can no longer do it now. It's very similar, i'm sure, to growing old, and not being able to do those things before. But ironically, it was this visit that she prescribed me the Ritalin. I recently took Adderall, but decided to try Ritalin. This was the first medication I have ever taken for these mental disorders that have plagued me all of my life.

    While I took the Adderall, and now taking the Ritalin, it has mentally waken me up and made it so obvious to me what opiate addiction has and is doing to me. I am now in this mental mode of knowing that I need to make changes now, and that life is short and I don't want to waste any more time. Before taking these medications, it had been years since I had felt like this. Now I am in no way shape or form praising these medications, because they can probably be just as bad as opiates if you let them. But in the short term, it has definitely waken me up and made my present situation clearer.

    So basically, if I hadn't decided to do a taper instead, and went into the doctor again and wound up with the Ritalin also, I wouldn't have had these thoughts that are telling me to get it together. Now I would like to say that everything happens for a reason, as was the case here. But I really don't want to confuse a reason with an excuse. I still think it was the right decision for the reasons explained, but I of course have these feelings of guilt knowing that I was stronger in the past than I am now.

    Has anybody ever had similar feelings? Is it ok to admit that there are some things in life that we may be able to accomplish one time, but never again. I am really struggling with admitting this, even though the pride has caused me many many unnecessary relapses. I guess I just have this bad feeling that the unreal feeling I felt last time after going cold turkey for a while won't be waiting for me this time, and that I will unfortunately feel heartbreak after getting my hopes up so high.

    Sorry that this turned out so long, but if anybody is still there, I would really appreciate any comments. Thanks.

  2. #2
    cljdw2 is offline New Member
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    Good Luck to you. I know quitting anything is hard, and I think it gets harder the older we get. And when we fail it just sends us into a major guilt trip for not being strong enough to stop cold turkey. But, addiction is a major problem no one wants, and may have gotten accidentally. Anyhow, I know this is not an answer but a wish for you to succeed. I had a problem quitting alcohol, and went cold turkey. Lasted 8 months, then temptation in the form of a friend saying-oh, come on you can handle just one or 2, you quit before....now the craving is back and I am fighting it all over again. Arguing with myself about what i should do and what I want to do. Again, good luck and best wishes to you

  3. #3
    SomeDay is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cljdw2 View Post
    Good Luck to you. I know quitting anything is hard, and I think it gets harder the older we get. And when we fail it just sends us into a major guilt trip for not being strong enough to stop cold turkey. But, addiction is a major problem no one wants, and may have gotten accidentally. Anyhow, I know this is not an answer but a wish for you to succeed. I had a problem quitting alcohol, and went cold turkey. Lasted 8 months, then temptation in the form of a friend saying-oh, come on you can handle just one or 2, you quit before....now the craving is back and I am fighting it all over again. Arguing with myself about what i should do and what I want to do. Again, good luck and best wishes to you
    Thank's for the best wishes and taking the time to read through it all. I hadn't planned on making it that long, but I just couldn't seem to get to the point.

    I was pretty much a weekend binge drinker before becoming an opiate addict. My sister who is married and has three kids, 31 years old, just got out of rehab a few weeks ago for alcoholism. I really hope it works for her. Thanks again.

  4. #4
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SomeDay View Post
    I have been through opiate withdrawals dozens and dozens of times. I simply cannot quit. This is by far the worst and hardest thing I have ever done. The acute withdrawal is hell on earth. Then when that passes and you think it's going to get better, the post acute begins. Not knowing how long it's going to last is just as bad as the withdrawal itself.

    I've been on and off (mostly on) with pretty heavy (up to 450mg/day) doses of oxy/vic for about 2.5 years. Just two weeks ago I quit for about 1.5 weeks. Then my plan of attempting casual use completely backfired, as I and everybody else knew would happen. I took probably 400 pills in the last week. I took 67 5 mg oxy's yesterday alone. And the worst part, I didn't feel a thing.

    In my attempt at quitting opiate use over the last couple years I have taken xanax, valium, lexapro, phenibut, and gabbapentin. I am on gabbapentin right now. Today is my first day off of opiates this time around. The worst part of this right now is the complete indecisiveness when it comes to what I should take that day. I literally sit here for hours thinking to myself "Should I take a little xanax, or should I take some gabbapentin to feel a little better, etc". In reality there has to be the ultimate "DAY 1" where I use nothing at all. This substitution of substances is mentally draining me. This is like groundhog day. Quit, withdrawal, relapse, quit, withdrawal, relapse, over and over.

    I am very tired. I am only 32 but every day seems like a year. I have been battling this cycle for about 3 years. I think it's time to take everything (xanax, gabbapentin, phenibut, lexapro, Tylenol PM) and lock them up. When I substitute something for the opiate, my mind knows that I am simply delaying the inevitable. Complete abstinence from substances.

    I think I will do this tonight when I get home from work. Get rid of everything. Don't make my mind struggle with the decision of what substance to take every second of every day. I have tried quitting many times and have failed. I am going to try one last time. God willing I can get through this and continue with my life. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks!


    Dear Some Day,

    Before I responded to this thread today, I wanted to see a bit more about your history, and stumbled upon the above post. The above quote is from another thread you began. It's from November 16, 2010. At that point, you had been "battling this cycle for about 3 years."

    Here we are, almost 2 years later, and you're continuing to struggle with addiction. Do you think maybe you're going at this all wrong - and need to listen to others for direction? At some point, we need to surrender trying to do it "our way," and realize that maybe we don't have all the answers.

    You can not achieve recovery until you completely STOP any and all mood-altering, addictive substances. ALL. That includes booze. That includes ritalin and adderall.

    ALL drugs of abuse follow the same neural pathway in the brain. Here's a link to a thread where I explained why alcohol is off-limits if we are going to achieve recovery: http://www.drugs.com/forum/need-talk...hol-60373.html

    The ritalin is making your mind race; you said so, yourself. BUT, when a person with ADHD takes ritalin, it does the OPPOSITE. It calms the mind. So the fact that it is not calming you mind means that it is NOT appropriate for you.

    As long as you put an addictive drug into your body, you are fueling your disease of addiction. You can not arrest this disease by stopping one thing - yet using another. It does not work. You will continue to battle addiction until you take the step to stop ALL addictive drugs.

    By the way, have you given any effort to NA, AA or CR?

    God bless,
    Ruth
    caughtagain likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  5. #5
    cljdw2 is offline New Member
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    Your welcome! it is a constant struggle and a daily battle you face every morning.good luck and keep posting about your progress

  6. #6
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Someday, sorry for your struggles and I gotta tell you, you need to be in a program and soon. The fight you are fighting, the fight you have been fighting... YOUR WAY is just not working.. The addicts mind is so good at rationalizing what it needs too in order to get the result "it" ultimately wants to achieve. I have spoken with you on here many times. I agree with Ruth.. As I have said on here plenty of times, one of my biggest regrets is that I DID NOT get into a program my first go around with this... I just wonder if I could have shaved a decade or so of using off of my time in h$ll. You NEED to go, talking on here every few months is all well and good, but I see nothing to tell me that you are improving,,, Your struggle is very apparent and I hurt for you because I HAVE BEEN THERE. You don't have to face us, you type and tell us your pain, we give the same advice and then you leave, get the whole just one mentality and off to the races you go. At a meeting, you are in front of a group and all they ask you to do is show up and don't use... I sometimes think that face to face accountability is so important, because you are facing people instead of just typing away here. Man, I bet years ago (first time) before I got it, I would have been on here typing high as a kite telling everyone I was getting clean and wanted it... blah blah blah... My point is, I did not want it deep down in my soul, so I would mis-step and keep using. In the end, it is you who is hurting like you are... Structure is good, a group is good. It might just save your life. As far as using other CII meds for mood alteration, just don't see it as a good idea. My thought is many things will end up relating back to using and the effect THAT has on both our body and our mind... When I was using, I was amazed at all that was wrong with me, when I stopped and got significant clean time in, I was equally amazed at how normal I really was.... My hope is you think, my bigger hope is you act.... All my best, Reid
    ARTIST658, toni.s. and Sunny mom like this.

  7. #7
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Well said, Reid... I especially appreciated the part where you said, "When I was using, I was amazed at all that was wrong with me, when I stopped and got significant clean time in, I was equally amazed at how normal I really was..." Ain't dat da truth!!!

    Someday,

    We've shared with you what we see, and what our best experience and education tells us you need to hear. We are addicts, too - we aren't judging you, we're trying to help. Addiction is a far more powerful, devious and persistant opponent than you realize. There is no shortcut to recovery. There are no loopholes, where we can use one substance, and not another. The doctor prescribing a medication does NOT make it "ok" to take it - in fact, that's exactly what led me (and millions of others) INTO addiction.

    You have struggled with drugs for at least 5 years, from what I've read. You've begun 22 threads on this forum in the past 2 years, trying to battle this disease. Nothing you have done in the past has worked, or you'd be clean and sober now. It's time to take this seriously, and do the things that are beyond your comfort zone. Recovery is going going to be handed to you through the computer monitor; it takes action. The action begins with meetings. If you want different results, you have to do something differently. If you want to achieve lasting recovery, you need to do what those with lasting recovery do.

    I hope you'll be returning soon to post an update.

    God bless,
    Ruth
    toni.s. and Sunny mom like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  8. #8
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    have you considered suboxone? if not you might want to do some reading. ill make it easy and include the link that has many many people here to a drug free life and the happiness you seem to desire. the link is below
    http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...apy-50887.html
    this method has worked for many people here and is currently working on me and i feel almost normal. best of luck and godspeed in your recovery. we are all pulling for you
    toni.s. and pgcc like this.

  9. #9
    pgcc is offline Member
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    The ritalin thing doesn't make sense its an amphetamine, a highly addictive one so why, if you want to get clean, would you start a new monster up. i have just used suboxone and it seems to be working great maybe thats your answer.

  10. #10
    SomeDay is offline Member
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    Thank you for all of the responses. Unfortunately I have been out of town with work for the last several weeks. and was thus unable to post.

    Artist and caughtagain: I am very greatful that you not only replied but took the time to go back and read about my past, in order to better respond. Both of you have provided lots of great support in the past as well. Basically what you both said is also ironically the same thing that I had also been thinking, which I should have known all along, or maybe was just in denial. And this is the fact that I basically keep doing the same thing over and over, and am expecting a different result. I guess I was thinking that it wasn't the method that was at fault, but simply my inability to stick to the method. Of course if this were the case, any method would work, as long as we could stick to it. But as we all know, this is unfortunately not the case.

    Thus as you both have indicated, the methods I have been using simply aren't going to work and I am going to have to try a different approach. I am currently researching the various options that I have not tried before, and hope to find one that best suits me. I think we can all agree at this point that a new method is needed. Again I thank you both for helping me realize this fact, instead of just spinning my wheels yet again. I will continue to provide updates and hope to have much better information to give in the near future. Thanks!
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  11. #11
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Keep us posted and all my best, Reid

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