Going from daily opiate use to just rec use?

[Selfishself]

I have been on a 160mg of OC daily for the past seven months. I was then switched to Morphine and was able to taper down to just 25mg a day for the past two weeks.
I finally gave up Morphine two days ago and am going through W/D currently. They have not been bad at all which has been very confusing to me.

I was wondering if anyone went from daily use back to rec use? I am able to fill my script for OxyContin on Monday and really want to have them around for some huge job interviews next week. I also want to have some to maybe do once or twice a week.

So what do you guys think? Fill the script for rec use or just kick it?

Selfish

[FrustratedAndTired]

Just kick it. I know myself as an addict of opiates can't just occasionally use them. I even had to get away from the people using around me so I could get clean and stay clean. I think you are playing with matches next to a pool full of gasoline if you try and rec use the pills. Stay strong.

[Selfishself]

The only reason why I feel I might be able to switch to rec use is because I was able to taper off morphine without just popping them all,

I am detoxing now and still have a couple morphine pills laying around. Might be a different story with Oxy though.

Get your point though and can totally relate as I couldnt stop taking my OxyContin script untill I simply fell asleep.

[FrustratedAndTired]

It's simply just not worth it. I mean would you play russian roulette if you knew there was only one bullet in the gun? It's like you are telling me you still have a 5 out of 6 chance you'll be fine and with addictive drugs your chances will not be anywhere near that good. Stay strong and enjoy the high of life rather than depending on a drug for your high.

[moon6748]

I think that you need to be happy and grateful that the withdrawel is not that bad this time around. But rest assured, it doesn't mean that if you get hooked again, and have to go through wd again, that it will be the same thing. I tapered down off oxy once before. It stunk but I did it without it being too bad and was off for about 10 days before I caved (and caved by saying "I'll just do them once in a while!). Well, here I am with a worse habit, tapering again. And it's been MUCH, MUCH worse this time around. So of course I'm wishing that I just stuck with last time, and I would be feeling normal and great right now.

I understand the rationalization of just doing it here and there. It's definitely a wish. But I truly think that we were able to do that on the way up...but once we became addicts, that option is just never there for us again.

The reason for taking them will go from "the big job interview", to "the long day at work", to "the sunny weekend day of yardwork", to "the rainy day inside the house", to "the car ride to get coffee". Do you see where I'm going? Our addict minds will make up an excuse to take them whereever, and whenever! Stay clean!

[Selfishself]

moon6748

"The reason for taking them will go from "the big job interview", to "the long day at work", to "the sunny weekend day of yardwork", to "the rainy day inside the house", to "the car ride to get coffee". Do you see where I'm going? Our addict minds will make up an excuse to take them whereever, and whenever! Stay clean!"

Pretty much sums up how it all started this time around. I just hope I don't fill the script. Knowing myself it will be a struggle Monday.

When you tapered off Oxy how mild were your WD symptoms? Today is my third day and I still only have some RL, Joint Aches and a small fog headed feeling. Just curious if you had it worse.

[shrimpboat 1942]

To go from addictive use to recreational use is as rare as hen's teeth. You can never be a virgin again, you mind will ALWAYS remember that pleasurable high--THAT'S the hook of narcotics. Moon has it right--you are lucky you withdrawal is mild--no such guarantee for the future.
If I were you, I'd get on my knees and thank the heavens for avoiding the bus crash of addiction. If you read around on this forum it is FULL of people who had that same idea of Rec use and they're back. The story of addiction is relapse--good intentions are all over the forum--the success stories are BEHAVIOR changes--good intentions pave the way to you-know-where.
You are SO on the right path, Selfishself. Mourn the loss of narcotics in your life, but keep your behavior that of a sober person. At your young age, it's a real gift!

[flatsman444]

hi selfishself, I can speak to your original question of recreational versus daily use. Take time to read my thread HYDRO TAPER AFTER CT FAILURE. Its a little long now but worth reading because I think it answeres your question. I am a total control freak. Seven years of use and NO GOBBLING , NO OUT OF CONTROL behavior. But I have failed everytime I tryto get off this medication. I thought the very same thing , that I could get clean then use on weekends etc. But I always end up useing every day. Always in control , but get this, ALWAYS DEPENDANT. I choose freedom and I think you should too. Get yourself free. Think about how good you will feel about yourself. Think about how strong you will be. So strong that you can say no to drugs. So strong that you can be a real friend to someone. Im not there yet , its a struggle. I still cant bring myself to throw away my pills. You see , Im still trying to get free. Its hard , but some people do it and i want to be one of them. Peace

[moon6748]

Hi Selfishself, the first time I did it I was taking a lot less, about 60 mg/day or a little more sometimes. I first cut down by taking 15 mg a couple of times a day, and then eventually 7.5 mg two times a day, and then I was ready to just cut it all out. I've never really had a problem with restless leg when having wd...but I was very, very sluggish, depressed, no energy or motivation...a little bit of sleep problems but nothing too bad. Honestly, except for the lack or energy/motivation and the desperation of WANTING to do them, it was nothing I couldn't handle. By Day 10 of being completely off them, I was feeling really great. I was popping out of bed in the morning, happy to start the day. I was having LONG phone conversations with people in my life while I was completely clean. I hadn't/haven't done that in a while. I can only catch up with people now right after I take something. Sad, huh? So after Day 10 I started to get a little cocky....then a sad event happened in my life and I used it as a justification to start again. But of course, only on the weekends. I would say "I don't even have the money to do it more than that, so I can't". HAH!!! I can't even believe how much money I've spent on them since then.

So the weekends turned into the "day-after", turned into helping me clean the basement, turned into helping me through the tired morning when my son got up way too early. And here I am, back where I started. Well, I've tapered down again, but this time it's been harder. The sleep problems are just awful, and of course then I feel like ???? all day. Between 2-5 a.m. I literally don't want to be in my own skin. I actually had a legitimate bout of insomnia when I was in college and it was nothing compared to this. I just couldn't sleep then....now I don't want to be me!

I hope I'm not going on too long (I have a tendency too!). I just want you to know that I know EXACTLY how you feel. Do you know how many times I've cursed the fact that pharmacists can't find a way to eliminate the fact that your body gets tolerant to these drugs. I've actually wondered why everyone isn't on them at times?

I would say if you are feeling weak, don't fill the script. Why torture yourself. One day at a time. Just say "I won't fill it today, maybe tomorrow". And if you get enough days under your belt, you just may wake up one day, popping out of bed, not even thinking about the script...

[Selfishself]

Moon thank you so much for your story. I feel like I can relate to your experience thus far. I am at the end of day three and have only had mild depression, some small aches and pains and sluggish.

It is very weird before I had my shoulder surgery and was actually prescribed OC I never had a problem doing percs and vics every now and then. I never really craved them and could leave them sitting in my room for days.

In Costa Rica NOBODY sells opiates only cocaine and pot. So I know I only have two more scripts before my doctor cuts me off. At that point there is no more. I think to myself I want to stock up while I can.

If I was back in the United States I would be a little more worried. All my friends sell or have available.

So frustrating.

[moon6748]

It definitely sounds like you are having a similar experience like I did the first time around. With 100% of all I have I wish that that time had stuck. I'll keep saying that to you so that you realize that I was lucky that time around and that you are lucky right now. I can almost guarantee it won't be the same next time. Mostly likely because what they say is correct....when you bounce back and forth between taking and small periods of not taking it seems like your usage really goes up.

I agree though...it IS so frustrating that we used to be able to take them like normal people. I remember years ago I got a script for the 5/325 for a back issue I was having. I only took a couple for the back, and then when that was better I would take one here or there while having a couple of beers. But NEVER when I wasn't drinking. I would have never thought to take one going to work, or really doing anything. I associated it with a party thing. That's the thing with these, they creep into your everyday real life. I've done my share of experimenting....but for the most part everything always remained a party thing. Not these though.

Like I said....my sister's husband got a small prescription of 8 of them last year after an injury. I'm sad to say that I look at the bottle at their house all the time (but I guess proud to say I've never taken any?). They have never taken even 1 of them! It seriously shocks the heck out of me. Like...how could you just have them sitting there? I guess the answer is that not everyone reaches into a bottle when they are having a bad day.

So that's the hope for us....that we can be those people that deal with life, good or bad, and not need these things. With your access being cut off, you'll be in a good position to not get any more. Just try to dig deep and not fill that script. Because if you do, you'll end up taking them all, and guaranteed you'll be back on here at some point saying "Day 1" again. The great thing about this place is everyone will support you no matter what. But Day 1 sucks, right? So let's do this together!

[ARTIST658]

Selfishself,

Sorry, but once we've crossed the line into addictive daily use, there's no going back to recreational use. It may help if you think about it with other addictions - can an alcoholic return to sipping a glass of wine occasionally? No. Can a smoker return to smoking just one cigarette a day? No. It's like an invisible line that we cross - and once we cross it, we're unable to go backwards.

Don't let the "addiction" label trip you up. "Dependency" is simply the body's adjustment to require the drugs to stave off withdrawal symptoms. "Addiction" includes the mental preoccupation with using drugs. If you are preoccupied with thoughts about using, or planning future use (as you mentioned), the mental obsession is already apparent. Time will only make that worse, until the cravings for the drug are more important than anything else in your life. That's the nature of addiction.

Addiction is progressive; it never retreats. It can only get worse. We may be able to "control" our use on a very short-term basis, but that "control" is exceptionally flimsy. Our minds tend to obsess over the drugs, and justify a dozen reasons why we need another one. Once a drug is in our body, all the rationalizing and justifying take ahold once again, and we can not be trusted to control our use. In other words, one pill is too many.

Sadly, few of us just trust in this, and feel the need to test it out for ourselves. When we do so, we set ourselves up for another downfall.

It sounds like you may be able to stop without too many withdrawal symptoms, and without a major upheaval of your life. But I sense that the temptation of a few more scripts of oxys is something you aren't willing to resist. Know that you are playing with fire. Those pills will be talking to you from across the room, and, more than likely, will be gone very quickly, despite your hopes to prolong that script.

Many times, it's actually easier to surrender and stop when we have utterly destroyed our lives by our addiction - as our denial weakens with more and more evidence of what the drugs have done to our lives. You are in a tricky spot, in that your life is still intact. To stop now - before it gets worse - would be a true gift to your life. You'll be sparing yourself a lot of heartache and turmoil.

God bless,
Ruth

[Selfishself]

I am going to try my best to not fill that script tomorrow. I am just so worried about blowing these two interviews on Wed. They are both six figure jobs and I dont want to be sick and confused during my interviews.

My parents said they would hold on to my Oxy bottle and dispense them when I actually am in pain. The script is only for 12/20mg OCs.

It sucks. I feel like a child not being able to control my desire to take a pill.

I just ran down to the pharmacy to buy some SOMA and Ambien and was very tempted to buy a bottle of liquid Codiene and some Codiene pills. I said screw I have come this far and im not feeling horrible.

Yesterday was rough and today my stomach is hurting in a bad way. Along with the three hours of sleep I had last night, today has been the toughest day.

I am thinking about picking up a bottle of Ritalin tomorrow to get some of my energy back. Mistake or something worth doing?

Again I want you all to know that without you I would most likely have taken my left over Morphine pills.

- Selfish

[TRON]

Selfishself,

Keep it up man! You are almost through the worst symptoms and the rest will be much easier. You may not feel 100% for a few weeks or months, but you'll feel 80% and up to working, going out, etc.

I'm barely shy of a month, but have been okay for a few weeks. The first week is the worst and then you start adapting to life without opiates again. I promise the reward and joy of being drug free is better than the high you want right now. Battle through this and you will be so proud of yourself.

We all have your back partna! PEACE & LOVE

[shrimpboat 1942]

I don't think you really want to randomly take dangerous drugs to get off a dangerous drug. Ritalin is not Vitamin R.

Seems to me, you want your body back to normal. And Natural. So throwing artificial drugs at it is counterproductive. How will your natural juices flow if you keep suppressing them?

I understand you don't want to be in full-blown withdrawal when you interview, but by Wednesday, if you're still listing Aug 19th as your last day of use, your mind WILL be clear, although you may still have a few physical symptoms.

So don't panic, have a little faith in Nature and ride it out. You have 4 more days to buff yourself up with Good things. Don't hurt yourself.

[TRON]

I have to agree with Shrimp. You are trying to find a baseline and build a balance in your mind and body. Try to not take any drugs unless you absolutely have to. I can also speak from experience that uppers while going through withdrawals do not give you the desired effect. You'll just feel geeked out while going through withdrawals and it will not really give you the energy and euphoria you crave.

Like Shrimp said, by Wednesday you'll be good enough to sit in a 30 minute interview. Your body will probably hurt, but your mind will be clear and you'll sound like your competent, intelligent self. Remember, the interviewer can't see your pain or know what your body is going through. So you'll be able to wing it for sure.

PEACE & LOVE

[Selfishself]

thanks each and every one of you for helping win this battle.

If anyone else here has had Benzo withdraws, how does it compare to the Opiate psychological stage I am about to hit?



- Selfishself

[Selfishself]

thanks each and every one of you for helping win this battle.

If anyone else here has had Benzo withdraws, how does it compare to the Opiate psychological stage I am about to hit?

- Selfishself

I ask because I have had benzo withdrawals at least three times. My brain felt like it was in another place, I had a hard time walking, lights made me paranoid and could not work up the courage to order a coffee at my local place.

I hope its not as bad.

[FrustratedAndTired]

The further you get in your w/d the clearer your mind will get. Stay with it and don't try to self medicate with other drugs to treat side effects. We as addicts don't like to deal with uneasy or unhappy feelings. We have to learn to deal with lifes situations without resorting to "sticking our head in the sand" with the drugs.

[ARTIST658]

I ask because I have had benzo withdrawals at least three times. My brain felt like it was in another place, I had a hard time walking, lights made me paranoid and could not work up the courage to order a coffee at my local place.

I hope its not as bad.

Dear Selfishself,

I've been through both - benzo withdrawal and opiate withdrawal - and they are completely different. The benzo withdrawal gives you a dozen bizarre symptoms of anxiety and 'out-of-body' sensations; the opiate withdrawal is more like the flu. And the length of the withdrawal is quite different as well - benzo withdrawal can be weeks long, whereas the worst of the opiate withdrawal is over by about day 5. So you should be pretty much heading out of any significant symptoms by Wednesday.

Honey, wherever it is that you live, it appears you are going to be surrounded by temptations - as soma, codeine and ritalin are available to you. These drugs are all addictive ones, and if you turn to any of them to deal with the withdrawal from the oxys, you're just adding fuel to your addiction. Addiction is like a "switch" in our brain that is tripped by any mood-altering, addictive substance; it doesn't matter which drug it is. As long as you are putting one of these substances into your body, you are keeping your disease alive and waiting for more.

Recently, I heard Dr. Drew, an addiction specialist, describe this phenomena of 'cross-addiction' on tv, and took down his words, as it described it well: "My simplest explanation, is that.addiction is a particular pathway in the brain and all drugs of addiction activate that same pathway. Some more powerfully than others. Part of the brain called the medial forebrain bundle - also an area called the nucleus accumbens - it's our motivational system. and if you tickle that motivational system - once you have thrown the switch on addiction -you are on your way back to your drug of choice OR escalating use of the new substance. it's just a matter of time."

By Wednesday, you should be clear-headed enough for an interview. Besides, if you were to take one of these drugs before the interview, the interviewer would be able to see the glassy eyes that result. We always think that no one can notice it, but, in truth, many can. We feel like we're "normal" - but that's not what the world sees.

It's all a matter of what you want for yourself. if you want to free yourself from turning to drugs to deal with any difficult emotion or unpleasant situation, then you need to steer clear of any addictive substance.

God bless,
Ruth

[Selfishself]

Thank you guys and gals for all the support,

Today is day five and it was just been horrible mentally. I slept maybe thirty minutes the entire night. It was horrible. The zopiclone did not help at all, nor did the Soma at putting me asleep.

When I finally left my bedroom I told my parents I wanted to pick up my Oxy to hold on. The conversation quickly irrupted into a screaming match as they did not want me to go fill my script. Needless to say my money has been cut off and no more Oxy.

I have been so positive this entire time but today I just feel like giving up.

- Selfish

[FrustratedAndTired]

Thank you guys and gals for all the support,

Today is day five and it was just been horrible mentally. I slept maybe thirty minutes the entire night. It was horrible. The zopiclone did not help at all, nor did the Soma at putting me asleep.

When I finally left my bedroom I told my parents I wanted to pick up my Oxy to hold on. The conversation quickly irrupted into a screaming match as they did not want me to go fill my script. Needless to say my money has been cut off and no more Oxy.

I have been so positive this entire time but today I just feel like giving up.

- Selfish

Those day are part of the process unfortunately. Be strong and don't give in. Right now you are probably scared and mabey even a bit mad at your parents but they have your health in mind and I'm proud that they have stayed strong. Make sure you are getting your vitamins (especially the B12) and it'll help with your depression. Music has been the food for my soul thru my recovery. On the days where I am down I force myself out in the sun (even if just for a bit) and turn on some "feel good" music. Everytime I'm amased at how the depression and anxiety seems to just fade away. You have come so far! Stay strong and know you are not alone in this struggle.

[moon6748]

Selfish, I'm sorry you had a fight with your parents, that stinks. And that down in the dumps feeling is one I know so well. We are here for you. You are doing SO well, even if you feel like ???? right now. You ARE making progress, even if you can't see it.

Music has been the food for my soul thru my recovery. On the days where I am down I force myself out in the sun (even if just for a bit) and turn on some "feel good" music. Everytime I'm amased at how the depression and anxiety seems to just fade away.

This is SO true....I haven't shut off my ipod since I just got back from my walk. It's almost as if I'm afraid if I shut it off all of those feel good emotions will sink away. I'm a big TV person, but I'm very hesitant to turn it on. I do agree with non-tv people that it just saps the energy. So maybe try some music. If you can get out for a short walk I highly reccomend it. You can do this, you really can...

[Selfishself]

Thank you both so very much. It is nice to have some people in your corner. I also just got news that one of my interviews was moved up to tomorrow. I hate last minute changes but I guess its just part of life.

I hope I can pull my head up and not mess this interview up.

Thank you so much everybody.

[caughtagain]

I know right now you are not feeling this, but go hug your parents because in the long run they may have saved you. I was there, the difference is my parents gave me their Credit card. I was in school and I was a good student with an injury. Oh and I was a raging pill head. So, I went and picked up my 120 percocet and 100 10mg valium... That was 25 years ago and that was the start of my rollercoaster ride. Looking back I never had tough love to put an end to the madness that was addiction... IT did get to tough love a few years later, but even then it was not tough by any standard... Your life will be better off in the long run. That interview that you felt you would have aced on pills? What if they called you in for a second interview? A third? My point is you cannot live your life around your schedule as it relates to pill quantity..... I have been there and done that and I can assure you that there is a zero chance of success with that. You are on day five. build on that and get in a support group, instead of trying to get more pills. Just my two cents.... Keep us posted as we are happy to help... All my best , Reid

[manwhosoldtheworld]

use of opiate is really dangerous man i was addicted to this and i know how i came out well thats a long story not being sensitive if you can do juz kick tht

moreover juz keep goin on with oc-80s

[manwhosoldtheworld]

you can better keep the stuff for weekends

[primetimegrape]

thanks each and every one of you for helping win this battle.

If anyone else here has had Benzo withdraws, how does it compare to the Opiate psychological stage I am about to hit?



- Selfishself

Benzo. withdrawal is def. worse than opiate withdrawal, esp. if u have been on the benzo for a long time and have been taking it at higher doses. Also depends on what kind of Benzo u were taking and abusing. Xanax is the most highly addictive benzo. That is b/c it works quickly and leaves the body quickly, so some ppl get hooked. I actually take 2mg Xanax 2x AS NEEDED, lol! I don't need them everyday and I have never abused those b/c they scare me way too much to play around with. That said, I have abused painkillers and other stuff. Benzo. withdrawal is hell. I went through it when I was out of town and I ran out of pills and had to go see my doctor before he would refill again. I even told him I was out of town, but controlled substance laws I understand. I should have went to the ER and told them what was going on and got a small script to get me though, but I didn't. Hard without health insurance!! I went through a week of living hell, fever, shaking, vomiting, very moody, sweating, dizzy. When I got home I got my refill. The doctor actually felt kind of bad but told me I should have come in before I left town so it was my fault. That said, I only went through 6 days of it. It typically lasts for weeks and the symptoms get worse and worse. It can kill u!!!

Narcotic withdrawal is no joke either, but it prob. won't kill u although u will feel like u want to die. I have never taken Oxy's, but I know ppl that have and have been hooked and they tell me it is one of the worst narcotic withdrawals, even worse than heroin!! That is crazy! Good that u did not get the Oxy's refilled, u would have been just hanging onto the habit and then go through the same hell when u run out, that said, w/ds can get bad and they will get worse before they get better. If it is that bad I would contact the doctor and tell him/her to help u taper but not on Oxy, but like a long acting Benzo. like Valium, which has a very long half-life. Valium is also addicting but nothing compared to narcotics or even Xanax for that matter. I take Xanax for panic attacks, and I actually don't understand why ppl get "high" off them because they bring me back "down to earth" and help me function and keep me calm, but that is prob. b/c I have a medical condition. Someone taking it for rec. purposes would feel differently on the drug I assume. See your doctor or even go to the ER if it gets that bad. U are five days in, that is good, but u are going through hell right now I know and it will prob. get a little bit worse, but u will feel better with time, that I promise,but if u really are flipping, see someone and get under a supervised taper off plan on a different drug to help ease your discomfort. God Bless and Good Luck, plz keep us informed on your progress.

[Selfishself]

Benzo. withdrawal is def. worse than opiate withdrawal, esp. if u have been on the benzo for a long time and have been taking it at higher doses. Also depends on what kind of Benzo u were taking and abusing. Xanax is the most highly addictive benzo. That is b/c it works quickly and leaves the body quickly, so some ppl get hooked. I actually take 2mg Xanax 2x AS NEEDED, lol! I don't need them everyday and I have never abused those b/c they scare me way too much to play around with. That said, I have abused painkillers and other stuff. Benzo. withdrawal is hell. I went through it when I was out of town and I ran out of pills and had to go see my doctor before he would refill again. I even told him I was out of town, but controlled substance laws I understand. I should have went to the ER and told them what was going on and got a small script to get me though, but I didn't. Hard without health insurance!! I went through a week of living hell, fever, shaking, vomiting, very moody, sweating, dizzy. When I got home I got my refill. The doctor actually felt kind of bad but told me I should have come in before I left town so it was my fault. That said, I only went through 6 days of it. It typically lasts for weeks and the symptoms get worse and worse. It can kill u!!!

Narcotic withdrawal is no joke either, but it prob. won't kill u although u will feel like u want to die. I have never taken Oxy's, but I know ppl that have and have been hooked and they tell me it is one of the worst narcotic withdrawals, even worse than heroin!! That is crazy! Good that u did not get the Oxy's refilled, u would have been just hanging onto the habit and then go through the same hell when u run out, that said, w/ds can get bad and they will get worse before they get better. If it is that bad I would contact the doctor and tell him/her to help u taper but not on Oxy, but like a long acting Benzo. like Valium, which has a very long half-life. Valium is also addicting but nothing compared to narcotics or even Xanax for that matter. I take Xanax for panic attacks, and I actually don't understand why ppl get "high" off them because they bring me back "down to earth" and help me function and keep me calm, but that is prob. b/c I have a medical condition. Someone taking it for rec. purposes would feel differently on the drug I assume. See your doctor or even go to the ER if it gets that bad. U are five days in, that is good, but u are going through hell right now I know and it will prob. get a little bit worse, but u will feel better with time, that I promise,but if u really are flipping, see someone and get under a supervised taper off plan on a different drug to help ease your discomfort. God Bless and Good Luck, plz keep us informed on your progress.

Thank god. I was worried it was going to be worse than Benzo withdrawal. I had horrible multi month Xanax withdrawals. The seizures were scary as. I am glad I wont have to deal with that. I loved Xanax, and my doctor loved giving them to me. That happened a while back before I knew about benzo withdrawls. The first time I was golfing and next thing I know I was in an ambulance and my grandpa was giving me CPR. The second time I was working on the computer and next thing I know Im outside with my parents sobbing thinking I died. The third time I had just gotten out of the shower and the next thing I know my door is broken down and my parents are trying to explain they found me in my closet on the floor.

Will report back!

[Selfishself]

To my friends here,

I went and filled my script and had two 20mg OxyContin. My doctor wanted me to continue taking them daily for three more months but I told him this is the last time for now. He wrote me three more scripts for only 12 pills a week in the event I change my mind. My parents want to hold on to the pills but I feel like a 22 year old should have some self control and I want to prove to myself that I can take one when my shoulder actually hurts.

I feel like so bad because you have all been so supportive. You were all pulling so hard for me but between the depression of withdrawals, my parents fighting, being 22 and living with my parents in a country where I have no friends; I just broke down. I am sorry to everyone who believed in me. I hope you can forgive me for what I have done.

So here I am with 12 OC pills and for the first time I am not actually happy having them. I was so happy when my doctor told me it was the first time he has seen my pupils in eight months (this made me so happy to hear) and yet I still felt the need to escape. It had nothing to do with the withdrawals as I was feeling great physically today (day 5).

The depression of being 22 and living with your parents in a foreign country got to me. I have no friends here and nothing to do all day. I was only meant to be here for three months to recover but it has turned in to almost a year now. A year of not going out with friends, being in love and enjoying life.

I feel like I dont deserve the support of caring people like you when I just went and blew my goal. so I understand if this thread dies out now.

How bad did these two pills set me back? Am I going to go through it all again or will I still wake up feeling better then I did when I was using every day?

I am so sorry everyone.