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Going 12 rounds with this...
  1. #1
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    Jun 2012
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    15

    Default Going 12 rounds with this...

    Well, I’m back. Feels all too familiar at this point, this constant abstaining from using pills for7-13 days, then use again for 6-7 days, withdrawal over the weekend and gut it through work on Monday and I usually feel better each day of the week. I just keep failing in this crucial period of time where I keep using again after being off of pills for a week or more.

    So, the last thread I started was from 6/22, that was a Friday, I had made it 7 days and wound up getting pills that night, and proceeded to use during my workweek from 6/22 – 6/29. Well, during this relapse, things went badly, I was caught in the act of grinding & snorting a pill by my GF of 3 + years (I thought she was gone and ‘did what I do’, little did I know she was standing there watching me ‘do what I do’) She ended it then and there pretty much, I’d always promised her I would never fall back into pills after the point when I first got clean for over a year ago. I promised her the pills are “over” and to “not worry again”, and she promised to leave if I messed up, she left. This happened on 6/28, and today is July 18 and we’ve spoken twice and it doesn’t look good. She also informed people whom I’d been keeping in the dark about the last relapse…my Mother and Sisters who my GF is very close with, so they’re now privy to my old habits forming again. Just deeply saddened I ruined this relationship, because I did, just disappointed in myself…that’s all I gotta say on that.

    That Friday of the 29th was my last morning of using. I made it to staying clean, and going and seeing my mother, family, and friends in Wisconsin for the 4th of July and weekend. Awkward timing with my Ma and being around my sisters, but had a great time nonetheless. I made it the whole trip, didn’t use for 10 days. Didn’t think about using, well the Sunday night before I was leaving I get a text from a “friend” of mine saying he needed cash badly and had a lot of 30 mg OCs for a good deal. I woke up the next morning and drove the 5 hour drive from Green Bay/Milwaukee area to my home, trying to not think about that text. Well, about an hour from home I call him and ask about the deal, and an hour later I had a bunch of pills in my possession. So, went from 6/29 to 7/9 without using but relapsed from 7/9 to 7/13. Once again, I’m at the precipice of being 4 days clean (108 hours) and trying to fall out of this trap of constant relapse and getting clean again.

    I’ve figured just coming and posting on here isn’t the entirety of the answer for me, I need to start participating in NA/AA meetings and other forms of one on one therapy to help me. Another key aspect, these relapses have happened mostly due to my “friend” getting his monthly script and me succumbing to the temptation, I’ve also gone other routes of finding my pills, that’s usually the most consistent and reliable source. So, I’m cutting him out of my life, it needs to be done, the fact I didn’t do it yet shows I wasn’t fully invested in recovery and staying clean.

    I’d been lurking randomly lately, due to being ashamed of myself to post and where I’m at, I feel like such a failure due to relationships deteriorating and constantly relapsing.

    I appreciate everyone who’s ever took the time to read my story, some of you really have a way of putting things into perspective. A poster like “Artist”, to give an example, every post I’ve read of hers contains so much wisdom, she has a unique way of articulating her message. Also, so many other posters, too many to name, you all just do so much for people on this site, which is why I’m back.

    Thanks everyone,

    Khalil
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

    - Khalil Gibran

  2. #2
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    dang fez!
    please go to NA or some 12 step meetings.....
    get some numbers, a sponsor and call them next time before you make the wrong call!
    Hate to see you going through this over and over....
    good luck,
    Marian
    toni.s. and Strong Desire like this.

  3. #3
    CRYintheNIGHT Guest

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    fezafou i feel your suffering. Stay strong and positive and keep on posting like they say!

  4. #4
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
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    571

    Default

    ughh..hard to admit..but i almost relapsed..a wk or so before my jump..
    "just wanted something to help with the anxiety".. (what i told myself)
    LUCKILY..i must have one of the nicest dealers in the world..
    not really..i think he's a sociopath...
    but he does know me on a personal level..and i guess knew that it was just a moment of weakness? and how hard i'd worked for this..
    and refused to give me anything.
    THANKFULLY...AFTER getting through that..and REALIZING how GRATEFUL i was that i didn't get anything..
    that helped me...
    even thanked my sociopath a cpl wks after my jump..and asked him to lose my number
    maybe u need to give urself the chance to get to that point?
    one of the biggest character flaws of mine that i KNEW i had to work on IMMEDIATELY..even before i knew the 4th and 5th step..was my impulsiveness...
    i would drive to go get something..know deep in my heart i shouldn't..turn my car around..only to u-turn bk and get something...(after much, quite remarkable, self-persuasion)...
    well..i always think of/refer to dog's words when it comes to something like this..
    using both sides of the spectrum..
    putting a positive spin on things...
    lying as addicts..well u have to know how to tell the truth in order to lie..cuz ur using it's opposite..
    instead of persuading urself to get these nasty buggars...
    persuade urself not to..
    YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH TODAY!
    DON'T USE TODAY...
    it was soooo overwhelming for me to think about NEVER using again..and NEVER drinking again..
    you don't have to..
    you know when ppl tell u to sleep on something that's bothering u?
    same thing applies...
    sleep on it..
    post about it..
    go to meetings and share about it..
    1)it loses it's value when u say it out loud
    2)odds are..in a day or two...u'll be GRATEFUL..as i was..that you DIDN't use...

    but yeah fez..not to sound like a B..but what ur doing isn't really working for u, right bud?
    i would def try and get to a meeting...

    but ur willing to separate urself from the wrong ppl...that's HUGE..
    so proud of u for that!
    and maybe ur family..and everyone close to u.. knowing about it now..isn't such a bad thing?

  5. #5
    circleofhell is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    1

    Default

    Fezafou
    I'm doing the same thing only I have a script I take more than I'm suppose too so I go a day to sometimes 4 days without until I get it filled again!!!! Hence my name circleofhell. I was in car accident Sept 2009 8 months pregnant hurt over a year until I had surgery now 5 almost 6 months out from 2nd surgery still hurt have nerve damage from last surgery. I want to stop but I keep taking. I'm on day 2 no pills feel weak, tired all the usual things I go thru everytime. I feel like a loser. BTW this is my first post but been reading them since March.
    I hope and pray we can find the strength to stop for good!

  6. #6
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
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    1,406

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    Quote Originally Posted by circleofhell View Post
    Fezafou
    I'm doing the same thing only I have a script I take more than I'm suppose too so I go a day to sometimes 4 days without until I get it filled again!!!! Hence my name circleofhell. I was in car accident Sept 2009 8 months pregnant hurt over a year until I had surgery now 5 almost 6 months out from 2nd surgery still hurt have nerve damage from last surgery. I want to stop but I keep taking. I'm on day 2 no pills feel weak, tired all the usual things I go thru everytime. I feel like a loser. BTW this is my first post but been reading them since March.
    I hope and pray we can find the strength to stop for good!
    Hi Circle,

    I was in the same boat as you are now. You just have to "WANT IT" bad enough! If you do that then you can get your life in order. Same goes for you too Fezafou. The "want" has to come from within.

    Circle.....you have a beginning at 2 days now. Keep it going and it takes between 3-10 days to get over the symptoms. After about 5 days you will really begin to feel better. So a couple more days and you will have it beat for the most part! You ARE NOT a loser! You have an addiction!

    You NEVER have to use again, and something that Robert said to others rings very true right here with you....what if there were NO MORE narcotics or opiates left on the planet? You would survive just fine right? So do the right thing and get your life back from those drugs. Get mad at them. Make a firm stand right now! You CAN do this, both of you guys!

    Take care and just think about where your life is headed. I wish I had done it long, long ago. I am clean now only 3 days, but it is the very BEST 3 days I have ever been a part of! Have agreat day the both of you!

    Big Hugs,
    Karen

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