Girlwithnoname's Personal Thread

[doc.rose]

Here it is! Your own thread. If you have noticed, we all post on everyone's thread to support them. But, sometimes it makes it easier for people to follow you and your journey when you have your own thread.

[GirlWithNoName]

Thank you Doc.Rose, it took me a while to find my thread lol but here I am. I'm still fairly new here so will have to learn the site and my way around. This thread may be the first step towards stopping the pills. Since finding this site, I've done more "self reflection" than I care to admit. I think about my addiction, the pills, my life and the lives of others almost constantly. I did make an appointment to see my doctor. I have less than two weeks to either a) get another prescription for oxycoden or b) get the help i need. I'm gonna be honest here, I have a trip planned in about a month and that selfish side of me is saying "wait" until after the trip. How bad is that? I know what needs to be done but a trip?? If there was a next time I'm sure I'd come up with another great excuse....one gets good at that.

At this point, what I do know is that I can't go "cold turkey." I find within an hour of taking say 10mgs of oxy, my back pain becomes worse, i get a headache and even a loss of appetite...so what do i do? I hold out for maybe another hour or so and then take another....it goes on and on like this throughout the day. I feel at my best when I take that first pill of the day - that hasn't changed. If I could simply take that 1 a day pill, life would be great! As Ive discovered though, it isn't that easy....go figure.

I'm wondering why the back pain gets worse instead of better or is this the addiction part of it? I thought I knew so much about these issues and in reality knew little. To think I've counselled others is disturbing to me. Looking at it now makes me feel like such a hypocrate. One thing I do know is it sure plays with your head. Here I thought i was this strong, independent woman, only to find out that I can't stop putting a simple pill in my mouth...wow.

Anyway, In the next couple of weeks, I'll be doing a lot of soul searching. I have a day off tomorrow, so thought I would examine Robert's taper plan in more detail. I'm wondering how the back pain would be during this whole process? I have never been to physio and wondered if it would be wise to schedule those treatments to coincide with a taper? What really appeals to me is having the ability to go to work and function quite normally. So many things to think about.

Take care everyone.

[newyorkgal]

Yep, I agree... Wouldn't life be grand if we could take that ONE magic pill and everything would be rosy. Too bad it never works that way. If you can't go cold turkey which many can't then you definitely should look at the sticky about the taper plan and try the suboxone. You will not have any withdrawals that way. The trick is to not stay on them too long as they are addictive also, but they definitely are great for getting one off opiates. There are people on the forum who have actually done the taper and I'm sure if thats the route you choose, one of them will be here to help you. If you do choose to taper your pills, there is something called the Thomas Recipe which you can find all over the web and even on this site. People swear by it. You will have some discomfort but it makes it alot easier. Let us know what you decide to do. Remember, you are not any different from the rest of us who suffer from the disease of addiction

[doc.rose]

HI Girl!! When you are ready, let us know and we will support you in every way possible. Are you thinking of tapering yourself? Or talking to your doc about setting up a taper? I hope by reading other people's stories have helped you realize that you too can do this. YOu have your friends here on the forum to help get you through. Just let us know friend!

[Cats Meow]

I'm wondering why the back pain gets worse instead of better or is this the addiction part of it?

Opioids lower our pain threshold, its a phenomena that occurs plus your brain is relying on the drugs to induce the endorphins instead of producing them yourself, your pain curve should go down once you stop.
When you're ready to make a plan, there's many here to help you along the way, and don't worry you'll be better once you stop, stopping is the only hard part.
Btw, welcome to drugs.com.
Cats

[GirlWithNoName]

Thanks for answering my questions pertaining to the pain - it makes sense, Cat. I have finally made a decision to speak to my doctor about a taper plan. She has been a thoughtful doctor up until now, so hopefully she will work with me on this. When she first gave me the prescription a few years ago, she warned me of the dangers. Of course I felt I was invincable and told her i would be careful...she must know of my addiction by now because when I saw her in mid December, she gave me a prescription for 200-10mg OC. My doctor's appointment isn't for another 2 weeks because she is really hard to see = but the appointment is made and I am now 100% serious about getting off of these.

One thing that I do know for sure, is that I am not prepared to start anything without the support and expertise of those here who have done a taper properly. I suspect that because my doctor so easily gave me what I wanted in terms of the pills, that she will likely want me started on a high dose = one thing I have learned on here is that this is NOT the way to go.

[GirlWithNoName]

I forgot one very important step to my previous post, my husband has no idea of my addiction = Ive hidden it very well and he needs to know. He is amazing, but I think he'll be shocked at my disclosure. I know that my behaviours have changed and i probably shouldn't assume that he knows nothing....maybe he does. Anyway, this was on my mind. Thank you all for giving me the courage to finally do something about all this. If I hadn't found this site, I wouldnt be where I am now.

[intelmetal]

GirlWithNoName, My name is Steve. When I first came on board, I was only known as Intelmetal. You see, I was ashamed of what had happened to me...............me of all people !!! I thought that I had the world by the Balls and was unstoppable. I was married, owned my own business, have a beautiful daughter, own a nice home, etc., etc., etc. After being here a while I decided to not hide anything, give out my real name, e-mail address, details about my life that would make it so easy to identify me.
I also hid my addiction from my spouse, and for 5 long years at that. After Hurricane Katrina took everything away, I confided with my wife, and she has been so supportive. You really should share everything with the hubby, it will make this whole process so much easier. I have so much to say, but will have to get back with you later.
I truly wish you the best of luck !
Steve

[GirlWithNoName]

Hi Steve, thanks for taking the time to respond to me. The beauty from hearing from others is the fact that soooo many people have or continue to face the same thing...I'm not alone and felt that for so long. I've been embarrassed to say the least and it's so awesome that you are able to be as open as you are....I think its the secrets more than anything that mess with my brain.

[LittleLucy]

Girl,
I know what secrets can do. They can make you feel so ashamed of yourself which leads to guilt and I know one good way to take the guilt away... Opiates. Then you feel guilty for hiding them around. You'll feel so much better when you're not on them and you don't have to hide it anymore. Today is
my 5 th day off suboxone ( I only took it for
1 week after my last relapse) a very low dose. Just to get me passed the vicodin withdrawl. I am not suggesting you do this, it just has worked so far for me. I am 5 days clean today and I feel ok.

As far as waiting till
after the trip to start up a subo one taper plan. In my experiences being on vacation while dependent on Oxys will be much more difficult than on suboxone. Suboxone you can take once or twice a day and you'll feel "normal" all day. The other ones you will
have to sneak them around and sometimes have to wait to take one when people aren't around. I say try to get the suboxone before the trip you'll enjoy your time better. Just my advice taken from previous experiences. Good luck and we are all here for you.

[Catrina]

Hi Girl,

I read your new thread. I just started my own this morning as well. I did the cold turkey method 14 days ago YAH FOR ME! I was taking 90-120 mg of oxys/day (the evil blues). Anyway, I prepared in advance. What I did and one of the hardest parts was to make a doctor's appt with my regular doc who treats me for the 3 crushed discs in my back. He is not the tolerant, generous, easily prescribing type and so I was only able to get stuff rarely from him...very conservative and I'm not sure why I didn't find a different doc. LOL. Well, at my appt I told him EVERYTHING. I wanted to close that avenue of demand and supply. He offered to refer me to a specialist who could prescribe subs and strongly recommended rehab. Instead I told him my plan. I'm sure he expects me to be calling him to ask for that referral but he let me try my thing. I asked him for a month's supply of Tylenol 3. Now these I know from past experience do nada for me after building a tolerance to what I was used to but they did keep the withdrawals at bay. I also knew that I am not a tapering kind of gal. No sirreeeee I'm a gobbler. Eleven days after getting my 30 day supply of the Tylenol 3 it was time to face the music and I embarked on getting clean MY WAY...cold turkey. It was no picnic, I assure you, but I gotta believe it was easier than going cold from the massive amts of oxy. I'll never know for sure (that's a fact).

Please take from my post what is helpful. I too did the counting and planning when getting ready for away vacations. No fun. Sounds like you still have enough time to try my way because if you have 14 days from first day of no opiates to the time you leave, you'll feel a whole lot better than sneaking that ******** along with you both physically and mentally. I'm on Day 14 and would indeed look forward to 4 straight days of hiking Disney World with my grandkids without a worry of keeping up!

If you decide to try cold turkey, it's going to be pretty hard to keep it a secret in your household. I'll bet if your husband doesn't already know, he's suspicious. It'll make those first 3 or 4 days alot easier if you don't have to work at hiding how you're feeling. Your choice, though, we all have to do it however and whenever we can. In addition, the continued scrutiny you are bound to get from him after you are clean provides motivation to stay clean. It hurts to be watched like that but gave me the resolve so that soon I can tell everyone, "I told you I could do it!".

Best of luck. If you want it, you will get it. Everyone here is in your corner.

Cat

[Melissa B]

Hello Girlwithnoname,
I found ya. Yep you sound just like me.......wait til the motherload of pills is gone and then get clean. I always had an excuse for myself. There was always a trip being planned. I always saw myself as a hard working responsible adult LOL. I wasn't like those other junkies.....I thought. I was a respectable druggie....yeah right!!!! We all suffer the same fate eventually. But, it's nice to know that you are NOT a bad or weak person.......you just have the same disease that all of us here do. There is no shame in that. Your desire to get clean tells me that you are tired of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (I stole that from NA) But it's true.
When the desperation becomes greater then the pleasure, we are left with a decision...get clean or die. Scary isn't it? I hope that your struggle is manageable for you. Each day does get slightly better. I'm still a working progress, and hope that you will follow my path. It's definately doable on the subs and Robert's plan. Read his posts if you can, there very informative. Have a good day Girl. I'll be checking on you.

Melissa

[evejones]

Opioids lower our pain threshold, its a phenomena that occurs plus your brain is relying on the drugs to induce the endorphins instead of producing them yourself, your pain curve should go down once you stop.
When you're ready to make a plan, there's many here to help you along the way, and don't worry you'll be better once you stop, stopping is the only hard part.
Btw, welcome to drugs.com.
Cats

Hi Cats Meow, I think it's awesome how you help people around here! How long have you been sober for and what was your DOC? Just wonder if we kind of have the same addictions???

[GirlWithNoName]

Hi all, I just wanted to touch base and thank all of you for being here for me. It is all of you that have helped guide me in the direction of sobriety. At this point i am counting down the days to see my doctor and begin my journey of getting clean. I'm a little scared my doc is just going to try and give me fewer pills and tell me to ween that way. This wont work and I will refuse this option. I want NO sign of oxys from that point forward. I hope that she doesnt make me go cold turkey but if she does, I'll have to deal with it. The ideal for me will be a sub, but you know how some docs are...they generally don't like people coming in telling them what to do! Either way, I've been pysching myself up for this - i want it more than anything.

Im really trying to prepare ahead of time and I have a few questions I was hoping to get help with. If the doc gives me the sub i'm wanting, to avoid having it show up on my medical plan, should I go to a different pharmacy and just pay cash for it or should i just leave it as is? All of the drugs i've taken have been prescribed and have all been paid thru my medical insurance. Its more about me not wanting my workplace to be notified more than anything.

Secondly, when i previewed the induction form I got scared because what if I overestimate my withrawal symptoms and start taking the sub too early? From what I read, I could get really sick. The reason I ask this is because the few times I have tried to quit cold, it didnt take long at all for me to feel like ******** -- im pretty much a wimp. Third question is should I be asking her for some valuim to help me sleep or should I try something else or just wait and see what happens?

I'm probably getting way ahead of myself here but I want to be as prepared as i can. Next Sunday is "tell hubby day." Im fairly certain he will be there for me and likely won't be surprised at my disclosure. Your probably asking why i dont just tell him now, but he will be working out of town this week and no sense worrying him until he's back. Well thats about it for now, im thinking of you all and appreciate each one of you and the wisdom you bring.

[newyorkgal]

Hi Girl, I'm glad you're going to the doctor. You do know that not all doctor's can perscribe sub, right? They have to take an 8 hour online course first. Do you know that your doctor is a sub doctor? If not, perhaps she can refer you to one. You can pay cash for the sub. Just be aware, it is very expensive. I have insurance and the COPAY is $40 a month. I don't believe they can notify your employer of what perscriptions you are getting. I believe there are privacy laws that would stop that from happening. I just know subs are a few dollars per pill otherwise.
You must be in moderate to severe withdrawal before starting sub. If you take it too soon, you will go into full precipitated withdrawal which is no fun at all. There's something called a COWS worksheet to let you know where you stand on the withdrawl spectrum. Be honest or you'll be sorry. Believe me.
IF you end up doing this cold turkey, look up the Thomas Recipe which has ingredients that help go that way, most over the counter or health food store items, plus a benzo for sleep issues during the worst of it. Remember, benzos are very addictive also so you don't want to use them too much either.
Good luch, girl, whichever way you go!

[cheekysod]

hey girlwithnoname. thanks for stoppin by my thread. yeh ive been readin yours too. finally we spoke.
anyway, dont get too worried bout the induction. what pills are you on i cant remember, but if they are more short acting than methadone, you will probably go into withdrawls quicker. but i agree not to take it too early, i did, and yep i suffered. so thats a biggie not to do.
good luck with tell hubby day. i hope it goes well. sometimes its good to tell someone, that way we have some accountability,
if you do go on subs, hope they do the induction right, only 2mg at a time. that way you will start on the lowest effective dose, setting you up for a good taper down the way.
my first thread was purpledogs thread of recovery. check it out. i was sufferin big time, but hey, im nearly there now. at the end of my taper. tryin to do longer skips.
take it easy
and catch ya later
cheeky

[GirlWithNoName]

NewYorkGal: No, I did not know that all doctors can prescribe a sub. She is in a clinic full of other doctors so I'm hoping if she can't, one of them will be able too. I should have known better about privacy laws as they relate to this, I was just a little paranoid lol. If i do get the sub, I'm not taking anything until I get advice from here - I dont want to get into a mess with these things and want it done right. I've also read up on the Thomas Recipee if all else fails. I appreciate your quick response to my questions - it sure helps. Take good care of yourself.

Cheeky: I take about about 80-100 mg of oxycoden/daily. I didnt care for the time relased ones, so yes im on the quick release. I did have a look at the COWS worksheet but it did scare me because right now, if i wasn't rationing the pills i would likely take one hourly but I try to hold out as much as I can. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I'll have to be really careful. Anyway, enough about me, I do plan on checking out the thread you suggested and hope you have a good day.

[newyorkgal]

Hi Girl, as for doctor's that perscribe sub, if none do at the clinic, go to suboxone.com, plug in your zip code and you'll get a list. Unless you live in a really remote area, there should be no problem. People on methadone have to wait a REALLY long time before starting induction (I started properly, cheeky did not, she sure paid). People like you don't have to wait that long. I think its somewhere between 12-24 hours. You can do that.
Please keep us informed when you do go to the doctor. Hope your doctor is able to help you. If not, you'll find help and we're all here for you as well.
NYG

cheeky, you're on, I'm sleeping... I'm on, you're sleeping. This really sux....Going to email you right now.

[cheekysod]

you got it spot on ay nyg. you can remember me payin my dues for bein a pig in my last week of using.
so gwnn, you should be ok
if you do it right you will start on a low dose, and be sweet as.
cool,
take it easy
cheeky

oh and yeh, like ships crossing in the night lately. nyg.

[doc.rose]

Hi Girl! I am so proud of you for deciding to see a doctor about getting on subs. And I wouldn't worry about your employer finding out. I don't think they will have access. There has to be some sort of privacy law regarding that, like NYG said. And tell your hubby! You are starting to make positive decisions in your life right now. You don't want to start on that path by having secrets. Plus, you will need his support. You can do this.

[Cats Meow]

All docs can't prescribe Suboxone they have to be certified, maybe they could only for pain mgmt like methadone, doctors won't prescribe methadone for addiction, but they will for pain mgmt, but in the US Sub is contraindicated for pain mgmt. It use to be that pain mgmt docs could only see a max of 30 Sub patients/day, I know that's been increased now. You'll have to find a doctor that has taken the course and is certified, Primary care docs don't usually work with addiction patients, they refer them out to pain mgmt unless they prescribed the narcs in the first place and will work with you tapering you down.

[newyorkgal]

I live in NYC and many many many primary care docs are perscribing sub now. They've increased the amount of patients a doctor can see and the certification involves an 8 hour online course, not a big deal to the doctor and its a cash windfall for them. Most won't accept insurance and charge alot just to write a script. My doctor takes insurance for everything but, charges $100 a visit and the visit lasts about 3 minutes. I dont know where Girl lives. If she lives in a major city, there are going to be alot of doctors doing this now.
Sub used to be (and maybe still is) perscribed in other countries for pain (Temgesic) but at doses of under 1 mg. I think the sub for pain is .2 mg. and .8, something like that. In higher doses, those used in the USA for addiction, it is a very poor pain medication. Less is more, I suppose, with sub.

[Cats Meow]

Unless things have changed, maybe they have, and I haven't heard there's a change in status, but only addictionologists (which pain mgmt doctors are) are legally permitted to prescribe Suboxone or other drugs containing Buprenorphine for the treatment of addiction in the US.
Again, maybe this has changed. I hate to quote Wiki:

"On of December 12, 2006 the U.S. Congress passed additional legislation which relaxed the latter restriction for doctors who specialize in treating addiction through group therapy.[citation needed]. It allows physicians with at least one year of clinical experience with Buprenorphine to request an additional exemption within DATA 2000, which increases the limit to hundred outpatients."

Data 2000 being the key word, it seems to me a primary care physician would be practicing in a specialty which they normally don't fool around in, perhaps they have subspecialty certification ?

Thanks NYGal, I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm right, we both may be laws and restrictions are changing rapidly these days.

[Cats Meow]

Hi Cats Meow, I think it's awesome how you help people around here! How long have you been sober for and what was your DOC? Just wonder if we kind of have the same addictions???

I was a CP patient for years, I never considered myself "addicted" rather dependant, I did the whole gamut of opioid therapy, Idk 5 years now or so.
Thanks for the comp.

[newyorkgal]

Hiya Cat... I'm not saying you're wrong either. I just know my doctor is a basic run of the mill GP. Now maybe she went somewhere and got certified as an addiction specialist and doesnt use it. She certainly doesnt tout herself as an addiction specialist and has regular patients and some sub patients. There are alot of GP's down this way (NYC) who perscribe sub. In fact, these doctors take insurance for everything but sub. So I believe they took the 8 hour course (maybe that's what gives them the label addiciton specialist? LOL. I hope not.. an 8 hour online course hmmmm) It might be different elsewhere but if I put my zip code in the sub.com website there are many docs and few of them seem related to pain management clinics or have anything after their name but M.D.. So idk,. But its true, they must take an 8 hour online class to be able to perscribe sub so that's gotta be where the "specialist" title comes in... I promise you, many people here know more about sub than these doctors do.

[GirlWithNoName]

Hey all, I live in Canada and this is what the College of Physician's rules are. Im freaking out now. If she wants to direct this whole thing, she may start me off to fast or too much and I would feel safer doing it here. I guess I'll just wait for the appointment and take it from there. Anyway, here are the Canadian rules:

(1) For the purpose of this bylaw, “buprenorphine”
shall include all products containing
buprenorphine.

(2) No physician shall prescribe buprenorphine
unless:
(a) The physician has taken an educational
program on prescribing of buprenorphine
approved by the Council; and
(b) The physician has a relationship with one or
more addiction counselors and one or more
pharmacists to offer opioid addicted patients
the full range of treatment options; and
(c) The physician has established a program for
the regular testing of patients receiving
buprenorphine for drugs of possible abuse;
and
(d) The physician has access to the
Pharmaceutical Information Program to
permit monitoring of drugs prescribed to
those patients for whom the physician has
prescribed buprenorphine.

(Certified a true copy of a bylaw passed by the Council of
the College of Physicians and Surgeons on June 22,
2007).
A

[doc.rose]

Hey Girl! Just wait til your appointment and then discuss it with your doctor what dose you want to start on. It will all be ok! I am so proud of you for making the appointment.

[GirlWithNoName]

Hi Rose, your right...I think now that i've made this decision I am completely overwhelmed by it...it just continuously nags at me. Its been a harder week than usual, probably because of all the fear of all the "what ifs." I wish I could quit dwelling on the whole thing, but I can't. I feel guilty venting on here as I know that there are so many who are struggling right now and I've yet to begin the journey. I certainly do not want to take away from anyone who needs the support more than me right now.

I see my doctor next week and starting Feb 15 will have a few weeks off of work. There will be NO excuse. If I end up having to do this cold turkey, then at least I'll be in the comfort of my home not having to deal with the pressures of work. I'm really scared. When I woke up this morning, i I felt shaky, nauseated and down and I havent even quit yet. I know I'm over analyzing every little thing so I'm going to try real hard to stay focused until my doctor's appointment and move forward from there.

[cheekysod]

jeez mate. never feel guilty for venting. thats what this place is for.
i do it all the time. lol.
dont worry, im hopin you will get a sub doctor, and you will be sweet. it is a worry changing things, i sheeet myself when i was goin from methadone to subs, rightly so, but i was not given the benefit of the proper induction from my clinic, so i did suffer.
you have the benefit of seeing what we say, the taper method. the induction method. so good one.
try not to worry, im a good one to talk. lol.

but wait till your appointment, write a list of questions if that might help. that way you dont forget to ask anything.
thanks for stoppin by my thread and checkin in on me. appreciate it.

take care
cheeky

[doc.rose]

Hey Girl! How have things been going for you? Your appt is coming soon, right? I haven't seen you post in a few days. Please post and let me know how you are. There are so many people on this forum who care for you.