Afraid, but will do what i need to do

**doc.rose** · 03-05-2010, 12:34 AM

Hey Girl! It seems you need the pain meds for now. You aren't abusing them and are being responsible with them. Continue to seek counseling to deal with your ex-husbands death from overdosing. How is the Physical Therapy for your back pain going? Just continue what you are doing and things will work out. You have legitimate pain, what are you supposed to do? You can't lay in bed all day without living your life. l do think one on one counseling would help you. Take care my friend!!

**jbchicken** · 03-05-2010, 08:25 PM

Hey GWNN. So glad you're doing well. Sounds like you're really working through all the stuff to get to the bottom of the abuse. Tough stuff but the garbage has to be taken out before the house is clean y'know. I too have a lot of chronic back/neck pain but because we have an addict in the house and can't keep pain meds around, I have resorted to two aleve at a time and it has helped tremendously. If I miss though it's like I've been hit by a truck. Might be worth it to try to transition when you can off the other. But you're doing great. Sending prayers and best wishes from down south

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-05-2010, 09:27 PM

My ultimate goal was to get this pain under control (as much as I possibly could) and then taper off to advil, alieve, etc. Well, this might happen sooner rather than later. I called my doctor today to make an appointment and they informed me that she is on a leave of absence and unsure as to when she will return. They are only taking her emergency patients, so it could take up to a month before I can get an appointment. In all honestly, I went into complete panic mode for several reasons. The first and most obvious being that she seems to understand my pain and prescribes me the painkillers (complete addict way of thinking.). The second part of my anxiety was that this particular clinic is not prone to prescribing narcotics and I'm afraid that the doctor covering may not be as easy to prescribe me the pills.

After the initial panic wore off, It dawned on me that this might all be happening for a reason. Maybe it's a sign, I dont know. I'm really scared and returning to work in a week is going to be hard. Hubby and I are going away next week before I have to return to work. I have enough of the pills to get me through the next little while and have honestly been taking them as prescribed. I have also been diligent going to my physio appointments, getting massage treatments, etc., but I'm still so sore. I feel a need for something stronger than over the counter pain meds, but may have to.

One might think to themselves, "get another doc," however the way it works where i live is all of the pharmacies are linked together on the same computer network and they will not fill a prescription if you've gotten it from another clinic (which is a good idea). It minimizes "doctor" shopping and keeps a record of all medications a person is taking.

As some of you may or may not no, I did go CT about a month ago and got myself off of the oxy's - it was really tough, but I did it. I have been taking very small amounts of the morphine and wondered if withdrawals will start all over again. I've been taking the morphine for a month . My daily usage has been (2) 15 mg of the slow acting morphine and 1 regular morphine for break through pain. I would would really appreciate some feedback as to whether the withdrawals will start all over again or if it might be a tad easier if I end up having to go CT now on the morphine. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

**doc.rose** · 03-06-2010, 03:11 AM

First, if your doc is out of the office for a leave of absence, the doc can't leave you hanging. You have been on the morphine for a month now and they can't expect you to just stop cold turkey. That is irresponsible of them to do that to you. I would call back and explain what to them what your doc prescribes and why the doc prescribes it and I am sure the doctor taking your doctors patients will understand and be able to help you. Or, you could take this time to taper with the morphine pills you have left. How many do you have left? I would imagine you would experience some withdrawal symptoms. But it might not be as bad as when you went off of the Oxy. Why don't you give it a try and see what happens. Let us know how we can help support you. Take care!!

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-07-2010, 02:48 AM

I contacted my doctor's office today and my GP will be on leave for 2 years (I wish she had have told me, not out of my own selfishness, but more because I hope she's okay). After reviewing my file more closely, the receptionist advised me that prior to my doctor's departure, she had made a referral to a pain management doctor and asked that I be prioritized. I was told it shouldnt be more than 2 weeks for the appointment and think I should be okay until then. I have about 30 slow release Morphine pills left, so rather than take 2 a day, I will suck it up and take one instead. I will take the Advil for breakthrough pain and will consciously step up the exercise. I started swimming again which is something that I haven't done in years - I always loved swimming, but quit when the chlorine turned my blonde highlights green eek LOL. I now have a cap which looks ridiculous, but they say its the perfect type of exercise to get my muscles moving again.

Hubby and I are sure looking forward to our little getaway next week. Life gets so busy that sometimes we forget about the important things in life. He is celebrating his 40th birthday and what better way to spend it having a good rest. At this point in time, I've decided not to attend NA meetings. Instead, I have decided to see a counsellor who does a lot interesting therapy, visualizations, etc., so I'm quite excited and hope I'm able to get an appointment with her soon. This type of therapy may not only be good for the mind, but it may help me to learn to relax a little more which would definately help the back problems. I have met this woman before and she has a very soothing way about her so I hope this is successful. I need to address some issues and think that I will feel really safe with her.

Returning to work is going to be a struggle. I love my job very much, but as with many jobs, it can be very stressful and demanding. I will take it day by day and hope for the best. Well its almost 3am here and as usual, the sleep has been a bit of a struggle so please excuse any typos or mistakes. I wish you all a great week. Thanks again for those that care and support what I've been going through. As usual, my thoughts will be with each and every one of you......take good care

**cheekysod** · 03-07-2010, 03:55 AM

giving yourself less to make it for that appointment sounds like a good plan girl, that way your habit is less also.
maybe your doctor goin away is a blessing in disguise.

yeh, the lack of sleep, if someone could find a non addicting way to get a decent nights sleep, theyd be rich as.

have a good one girl.
catchya later
cheeky

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-08-2010, 10:22 AM

Cheeky, you clearly read my mind for sure. Deep down, I thought the exact same thing that my doc leaving may be "a blessing." Everything happens for a reason right. I think the pain management referral is just what I need and look forward to the appointment. I read your post about "friends coming over drinking." My thoughts on this are is that if they are true friends and your honest about the fact that you are not drinking - they will not bring any alcohol to your home. If they aren't true friends, then they are simply aquaintances who really don't care about you or what you are going through. If I were you, I would be honest with them and i'll bet that they will respect your request.

Hubby & I are off for a bit of a getaway this week and we're looking so forward to it. To all of my friends and supporters, you will be in my thoughts.

**cheekysod** · 03-08-2010, 12:53 PM

great minds think alike ay girl. that appointment will come soon enough.

yeh regardin the drinkin, i have to come clean with some of them. theyve known ive had a drug problem for years.
they know ive cleaned up on that. some think im clean, none know im on subs. but they have, (neither did i till recently) no idea i have a problem with alcohol,
so thats where im at with that, they dont know, coz i havent told them.

silly me.

**doc.rose** · 03-09-2010, 01:00 AM

Hey Girl! Enjoy your getaway with your hubby!! You deserve it my friend!

**cheekysod** · 03-09-2010, 02:40 AM

have a good break girl. take it easy and be good.

see ya
cheeky

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-12-2010, 06:09 PM

Hello everyone. Generally when I come on to the site, I rarely look at my own thread first. I usually check in to see how everyone else is doing first, but because I've been gone all week, forgive me if I'm not up-to-date on how you all are doing (I have lots of reading to do). Hubby and I had a great getaway and returning to work after being off for a while is going to be an adjustment. I'm happy to say that before we left, I only took the exact amount of the pain medication for my back. In the past, I would taken more than what I needed and would almost always gobble it all up. I recieved a phone message from the "new" pain management doctor who I will be seeing late next week so it will be interesting to get another perspective on controlling my back pain. I hope all is well and look forward to getting up-to-date on things. Bye for now!

**Catrina** · 03-13-2010, 07:08 AM

Wecome back Girl!

Good to hear from you and to know that you had a good trip! Be sure to keep us posted after you see your new doctor. I'm glad that things are going well and you have things under control. That, of course is the goal and you're doing great. Better today than yesteray. Yup. Way to go!

Peace,

Cat

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-13-2010, 07:20 AM

Good morning Cat, thanks for the warm welcome. Yes....the getaway was just what hubby and I needed. I'm so fortunate to have him in my life. He really makes an effort at trying to understand all of this, but he has a long way to go. He is not yet at the point of attending any alanon meetings but continues to research and understand what i've been going through. I've been thinking about you and your son and continue to wish you both well. Talk to you soon......Girl.

**doc.rose** · 03-17-2010, 04:04 AM

Hey Girl! Glad your getaway was a good one. Im happy you are home safe as well. Maybe this new doctor will have something new to try. You have done a good job controlling your pain, and not abusing your meds. That is a great accomplishment, and you should be very proud of yourself. Take care and welcome back!!

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-18-2010, 08:14 PM

Hello to all of the wonderful friends I've met here. I think of each and one of you and hope that today has treated you well. Now that I've returned to work, its much harder to find the time to follow everyone, but i make it a daily ritual to continue reading and learning from all of you.

I'm a little sad, however, after reading a thread by a 19 year old girl named Silverphone. I know when I first posted, it took me a very long time to find the courage to finally tell my story and when I read her thread, I knew in my heart that it was probably just as hard for her as it was for me to tell the world her story. My biggest concern is that she may not return because of a post made by someone telling her she needed a "swift kick in the pants," telling her to "grow up" and telling her to "respect" meds. In my mind, this is not acceptable. This young woman reached out for help and I know that when I was 19 years old, I would never have returned with a response like that. I pray for her return so that she is able to experience the positive people in this forum. Thanks....I really needed to vent.

**Catrina** · 03-19-2010, 03:28 PM

Hi Girl,

Good to hear from you and I have to say I totally agree with you about Silverphone and one post on her thread in particular. I don't see the value in any post such as that and it tries to defeat the spirit of this Forum. Whether I was 19 or 56 (like I am) if I was "welcomed" to the forum with a post like that, I wouldn't have gotten past my first post. I'd have gotten outta Dodge and quick! We addicts are hard enough on ourselves and we come here looking for encouragement and fellowship. The work is ours and we know that but it helps to know that we are not alone. It helps to know that there are some that have succeeded in getting and staying clean.

Ok. Enough of my bellyaching. It's good to see you back.

Peace,

Cat

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-19-2010, 06:59 PM

Hi Cat, it's also nice hearing from you as well but as I've said before, I stay committed to reading and contributing where and when I can. I can't believe that it cost me thousands of dollars for my degree pertaining to all of these issues, only to discover that I have learned more from all of you than money or a degree will ever provide. I feel grateful for what i've learned and hopeful for the future. Thanks for popping in, you a rock!

**doc.rose** · 03-20-2010, 02:36 AM

Originally Posted by GirlWithNoName

Hello to all of the wonderful friends I've met here. I think of each and one of you and hope that today has treated you well. Now that I've returned to work, its much harder to find the time to follow everyone, but i make it a daily ritual to continue reading and learning from all of you.

I'm a little sad, however, after reading a thread by a 19 year old girl named Silverphone. I know when I first posted, it took me a very long time to find the courage to finally tell my story and when I read her thread, I knew in my heart that it was probably just as hard for her as it was for me to tell the world her story. My biggest concern is that she may not return because of a post made by someone telling her she needed a "swift kick in the pants," telling her to "grow up" and telling her to "respect" meds. In my mind, this is not acceptable. This young woman reached out for help and I know that when I was 19 years old, I would never have returned with a response like that. I pray for her return so that she is able to experience the positive people in this forum. Thanks....I really needed to vent.

I totally agree with you! I read what was said and it made my skin crawl! Silverphone did not deserve to be spoken to like that. Silver came to this forum for support and guidance, and instead was talked to in a very condescending way. A lot of people posted after that post, so I hope she saw those posts and returns.

How are things going with you? Every get in to see that new doctor?
Let us know how that appt goes. Take care!!

**jbchicken** · 03-25-2010, 05:16 PM

Hey GWNN - So glad to see you're still plugging along. Hope that your back problems are settling down. I also have that - 2 Aleve everyday. Lately wearing a lumbar brace. That's helped a bunch. Maybe as the weather warms you'll feel better too. You know the "ole folks" say that cold weather just settles in your bones

I'm so glad you had a "get-a-way" with the hubby. Good for you and him both. Addiction is no laughing matter and sometimes just the change in scenery can be just what the dr. ordered. If nothing else, it showed your hubby how impt. he is to you that you'd take time to be with him. Be good to yourself - hope you're well. Prayers from down south

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-25-2010, 06:48 PM

Hi JBchick, it sure is nice getting the occassional message on here, I really do appreciate it a lot. The back problems persist, but I continue to go to physio and do all the recommended exercises, massages, etc. I even started swimming again which is something I havent done in a long time. When my GP took a leave of absence, she referred me to a pain management doc. He is well aware of my history and although he has zero personality, he seems to be taking a genuine interest in pain issues. He prescribed me 6 mg of Hydromorph Contin which he wants me to take 3 times per day. He knows of my history with the Oxycodone and eventually wants me free of all meds. I have not swayed from his instructions and have taken the medication as prescribed. My issue right now is more about my own guilt in needing these pills - I was hoping that after I got off of the oxys that I would be pill free, but I just couldn't handle the pain associated with my back (i'm such a baby). The guilt around this can be worse than the back pain itself. Hubby was so supportive when I got off of the oxys, but once again, I have not told him about the pain management doc or the meds he has me on. I don't want him or anyone else worrying about me so for now, I've kept this quiet. This new doc seems to monitor me much closer than my previous GP did. He is careful with the scripts and wants to see me once per month. I will follow his instructions and see where this takes me. Thanks for dropping in I keep these things bottled up sometimes and it's nice to get it out.

....sincerely, Girl.

**cheekysod** · 03-26-2010, 12:21 AM

hi girl, man do i know about secrets.
this place has been like a lettin out place for ages, coz not many people in my real world know whats goin on with me at all.
glad you are on the right track, and maybe gonna get off all pain meds one day.
be careful bout not tellin ya man, you wouldnt want him to find out you bin lyin to him ay. just be careful is all.

take care ay
im havin a day off goin awol for a change on a friday night. kindof a dare kindof challenge, and im stubbornly gonna see if i can do it. one week no booze. but only one day at a time. lol.
ok laters girl, take it easy
good on ya
cheeky

**jbchicken** · 03-26-2010, 08:47 AM

Hey GWNN - one thing I'd caution - don't keep this from your hubby. Somehow when we bottle things up inside, the stress of it makes physical pain worse. Share this with him. He loves you and has been supporting you all along. Hiding this from someone who apparently is on your side can only backfire in the long run. I almost wish I could take something stronger for my back. I'm putting in a call to the dr. today. Got to do something. The weather's warming and I want to get out in the yard

Take care GWNN. You're doing great and the community is here for you if you need us.

**GirlWithNoName** · 03-26-2010, 06:16 PM

Yes I know that secrets are the worst...my issue is more about not wanting to add "extra" worry for him when he has enough to contend with work related pressures. When he supported me through the oxy detox, he was right there with me - yet, i could see the worry in his eyes that I was suffering through this and hated seeing it. He adores me and I'm so thankful for that.

I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm generally the one who looks after those around me and can not stand the thoughts of someone having to deal with my issues. I know thats wrong, cuz what happens is that everything builds with no outlet. Crazy how our minds work. We know what we're supposed to do, yet unselfishly, try and fix things our way to avoid hurting others.

I agree with guys and in the very near future will talk to him about the new doc, explain to him about what a pain management doctor does and maybe try and print some information out for him so he doesn't worry. JB, I agree with you about looking forward to some warm weather....its been a long cold winter which doesnt help matters. I look forward to the warmth of summer soon to arrive and anxious to start spending more time outdoors.

Bye for now.

**cheekysod** · 03-27-2010, 04:42 PM

hey girl, take it easy ay. i know what ya mean.
when you are ready you will tell him.

short and sweet, just sayin hi and keep on it.

cheeky

**jbchicken** · 03-27-2010, 07:41 PM

Hey GWNN - you'll know when the time is right. For now I'm taking someone else's suggestion - hot bubble bath

back is giving me fits. Been studying for an exam on Monday nite. Yuk - Statistics. Hope you're feeling ok. At least it's the weekend

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