Girlfriend Slipped

[mr.man]

Hello all. New here and needing help. Here's my...errr...rather...my gf's story.

It started years ago before I met her. She became heavily addicted to Perks and Oxy. Snorting massive amounts daily....30 pills would be gone in a weekend. I met her shortly after her life had hit almost rock bottom...she was almost jailed and was now living at home with her parents again. I didn't know right away that she had a problem, but she told me about it later. One day she was in tears and asking for help to quit. So we got her help...I can't remember the name of the pills, but the doc said it was for rapid detox...one week on them and she would no longer feel the need for perks. It worked great! I noticed big changes in her immediately after....her nerves got better, and she was so much less irritated. She was so happy to be free and turning her life around. We recently had a baby and she was coming up on her 1 year clean anniversary.

About two weeks after having the baby all she joked about everyday was the fact that now she could do drugs again. I didn't like the joking and it immediately raised a red flag for me.

I found out that her "best friend" was going to bring her a treat. (her dad takes perks by script, so she steals them from him) When I got home from work later that night, after her friend had gone home. I started searching for signs. I found kleenex covered in powder that she had cleaned out of her nose. She swore to me that it was cream she used in her nostrils because her nostrils were dry. She even tried to make me feel guilty for accusing her. that was almost a week ago. Just yesterday I found a pill bottle with crushed powder on the outside bottom of it, a short piece of straw and a gift card that had been washed (water spots all over it) I know this is new, because she ALWAYS used a lighter before to crush the pills, and knew I'd notice if she did this time. I confronted her with the evidence today and again she denied it. I'm not mad that she used again as much as I am that she's doing it behind my back and lying about it. I understand that living with an addict can be a struggle for the rest of our lives. How do I get her to confess without yelling and accusing? How do I trust her now? She is very secretive with her e-mails and texts, etc. I don't want to lock her in the house and become the controlling boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm not sure if this is gonna help or not, but I'll give it a shot. I know that with me and my bf, he knew from get go that I did pills. Ofcourse, after time, he said he wanted me to quit. I asked why and he said cause he fell in love with me....which is real sweet...but, as much as I loved him too, I couldn't give them up....so, I began to lie,...and lie,...and lie somemore. Over the past 3yrs he has caught me at different times and each time he threatens to leave me, and tells me that its OVER! That's the last thing I want so I really tried this time and have been clean for 60days. I want to point out that each time he busted me it was a HUGE fight, I mean, things would get thrown at the wall,..he'd scream at me...so therefore, I would never open up and admit the truth. I don't know if you take the 'understanding' route or blow up at her, but to get the truth it helps to be compassionate- which it sounds as though you clearly are due to the fact that you helped her get help before. Even though my bf made these threats to me and then wouldn't back them up, I still believed him everytime. I know they say an addict has to quit when 'they' are ready and not because someone else wants them to but in my case it was a little of both. If she really loves you and is ready to quit again she'll be honest with you...if not, she's not ready and sadly, there's nothing you can do about it. Good luck! Hope your story has a happy ending

[jbchicken]

Mr. - welcome. Couple questions -
After her initial detox last year, did she attend any meetings and if so, is she still working meetings? (AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, Church) I'd be concerned that she was that heavily into it before and feels could just walk away from drug use without support.

As for the current situation, you've certainly identified some valid concerns. Suggest, if she's not involved with meetings, that y'all attend a recovery group. See what her reaction is. That may help you gauge whether she's serious about her sobriety. With a new baby in the home, the last thing you want to do is jeopardize the safety and well-being of your child to spare her feelings. If she's using while trying to care for an infant, it's an issue that will have to be addressed. And if you can prove she's using (which it sounds like you have) and if she's not willing to seek treatment, you may need to take legal separate custody of the child for its protection. From a child welfare standpoint, you don't want to wait until something has happened to force the issue with her.

[mr.man]

I am very understanding of the whole situation and don't get angry and yell at all. I just tell her that we need to talk and present the evidence. Everything I say is met with denial, lies and shots at me about how could I even think she would do this in front of our children, etc. So after about a 5 min conversation nothing else is said and it's just silence between us for the rest of the day. I have always known that there would be a good chance she could slip up. I know that it could happen every now and again for the rest of our lives. I'm ready to deal with that, but I need her to be honest with me. We never attended any support groups and maybe that is one of our mistakes. I really thought she could do it with just the support of me and her family. All her friends are now ex-friends and she is constantly talking about how sick it is that her friends do this kind of stuff with babies of their own in their houses. The only friend she has is her "best friend" who doesn't have any addictions to pills or anything else except weed. I quote "best friend" because she has been the worst best friend I have ever met. (tried to convince my gf early on to break up with me and get back with her old bf who almost had her put in jail as an accomplice to a crime he committed, and who has a major addiction problem himself. Tried to convince her to have an abortion and constantly encourages her to do things that she did when she was an addict) my gf is 27 years old, her "best friend" is 19. I don't want to turn this into a fight with her, but her denial and lies and turning it back on me makes me feel like I'm wrong about it all, even with the hard evidence I have. She is very smart when it comes to hiding this stuff, because she did it with her parents and sisters for years. I'm very smart at discovering this kind of stuff because I had to deal with a cheating spouse years before and spent a lot of time investigating and making sure my suspicions about it were correct. So I can't see any talks accomplishing anything except a fight. Short of catching her in the act (which will never happen) I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Geez,...I feel for you. You sound alot like my bf...a good guy. After having many a bad relationship, addicts themselves, and 2 that ended in divorce, I finally found the "one". Thats why I told myself I had to stop lying to him and really give this a shot. I'll stay clean.. whatever it takes. It's funny, the way you said she's real good at hiding it- we all are when we're using...he never saw one pill or powder...the way he'd catch me is that he knew my dealers number and started checking my cell phone records online ( me being the idiot, had no idea he could do that)...I guess that explains him buying me a new phone and putting me on his plan huh? But even after I knew this, I continued to text and call my girl...because in the end...I wanted to be caught again...I wanted to tell him..but couldn't to his face...didn't want to hurt him again. I'm glad it went down the way it did tho cause he helped me thru everthing...even went to meetings with me...extremely supportive and I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. I know it's frustrating...wish it was easier. Hang in there.

[mr.man]

Thanks Shoo. I wish it were as easy as checking her phone to see if she's calling her dealer, except that her dealer is her only and best friend and not a dealer at all She deletes every conversation between her and her best friend as soon as it's done..her cell is cut off so they talk through e-mail. Two computers in the house though...so I was able to catch part of the conversation about her bringing perks over for her by logging in while she was logged in on the other computer. I hate being that way...checking up on her that way...it's a very controlling behaviour...but I don't know what else to do. I wish I had a way of saving those e-mails before she deleted them

I was just standing outside having a cigarette and thinking and realised another sign she's using again that was right in front of me and that she told me about...she's been chewing the skin off just behind her finger nails....which she told me long ago was something she did all the time when she was taking perks! I wonder what she'd do if I got some perks and told her that I was gonna start using...and started to crush them up in front of her. I know she doesn't want me to become like she did. Think it would put a scare into her?

[Anonymous]

Uh, that'd be a hell yah!...lol Before I had a problem with pills, I got wrapped up in snorting coke while my (ex)husband was locked up...well, he comes home and I admit hey,-" I think I have a problem",.. cause it was becoming an everyday thing and I knew I was slipping. I was doing it out of depression. I've realized about myself that my addictions in the past have always been my way of 'coping'. So instead of helping me,...the jerk joined me! Thats one of the many many reasons what broke us up after 15yrs, and two kids later. I think you would totally shock her if you did that...lol Do i think its a good idea?...not so much

[mr.man]

I wouldn't actually do it...just make her think I was going too. See what she'd say.

[mstbenutsbutlookat..me]

MrMom ?
Sounds like she needs some tough love
that can be so many things sure
when it came to me and my kids ............
If I couldnt see one of them Id be sick.....
Nobody ever threatened to take my kids and me and my gf hid our use so well .....but byoure not
using right?....So once it gets out of controle cause it will......you need to be right .in the head mentally &physically.
Just trying to prepare you for what you already sense...
Us guys never seem to always have the right things to say.....maybe youre talking to the wrong person.If you truly want to resolve this you might try contacting her parents or a sisiter
of hers n tell em whats going on.She will get worse,Idid everyone here saw the baD Days.
If nothing else open the phone book 2 lawyers that specialize in Fathers Rights
Thats me amyways.
Dont give up
Children are so special you owe it to your child now,not later.
MBN

[jbchicken]

Mister-I agree with MBN. If you're not able to talk about it with her, get a close family member involved. Somebody you both trust. Do it sooner than later. I see and read too much every day in my job about the children who become victims due to drug use in the homes. They are the innocents in the drug war. Don't assume she can handle her DOC and take care of a baby. She may be able to sometimes, but there's going to be other times that the care of the child(ren) comes after she's had a fix. Addiction is a problem that doesn't normally get better on its own. It is a demon that comes to steal, kill and destroy. Good luck. Praying she'll seek treatment and/or at least admit she has a problem and start attending meetings and praying for your strength and determination to get her some help if she'll agree. If not, get the kid(s) out of there. That, my friend, would be a sure fire wake up call for her. Much better than you pretending to use.