The Girl and the Orange Pill

[peanut30]

Dose: 2mgs
Day: 1 (started over due to taking a sliver yesterday)

Today I tried taking 1mg only this morning with plans of taking another 1mg this afternoon and I wasn't feeling too well so I took the other 1mg. I'm going to the gym soon so hopefully that will boost my natural endorphins so I won’t take a sliver later. Today is all about pushing through if I feel "yucky". No slivers. So since I took a sliver yesterday I will be starting my 4 days at 2mgs over again.

I can't wait for the day that I don't have to think about this anymore. However, it's my problem with instant gratification that got me here right? I'm 30 years old and I feel like I should have life figured out a little more by now. Although, I need to remember how far I have come yet I still have a long way to go. I used to be a party girl. Get dressed up and go out all night any day of the week. I thought, "Hey if I look hot, then everything is fine" but now my thoughts are, "hey if I feel hot, then everything is fine". I used to wake up with a massive hang over almost every morning (or whatever time of day I would wake up) and barely be able to remember what I did the night before. How many pills did I take? How many drinks did I drink? Did I make out with that guy? Then be thankful I didn't die and go pop a pill ...or four. That was before...

Now I wake up with a clear head. Yes I'm taking a tiny pill under my tounge that is keeping me from going crazy, and possibly from relapsing but at least I am still here. If I were trying to keep up the way I was I wouldn't be sitting here right now. And I have done this all on my own. Until now! Because of the people here and the love and support here I have found my inner strength. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is life, not death and that feels really good. Better than any drug on earth.

Today's meditation: What life skill do I need to learn in order to overcome this addiction? If this is a lesson from God, which I believe it is, then what am I to learn from this?

[intelmetal]

It's simple. You were meant to help others going through the same thing. Just look at it as if you were in college the whole time you were using. That's real life experience, not just some lectures and essays ! Think about it, you could start a whole new career because of this. The glass is half full !
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

[peanut30]

Great advice! I do feel like a student right now. I'm learning so much about this stuff and addiction in genral. Every day I learn something new in this field I'm amazed. I hope I can help someone like you have helped me.

[intelmetal]

Pea, .......................Honesty is the backbone of any meaningful relationship. I could not see you getting married without fessing up ! If you start your marriage off on the wrong footing, you might end up divorced. Be honest if possible, it's the right thing to do. For him and for you. If you can get clean before your wedding, then maybe it would be acceptable to keep quiet. Otherwise, just bite the bullet and if he truly loves you, he will be understanding. I hope it works out for you both. Good Luck !
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

[intelmetal]

Pea, you posted the question on my thread. I thought it would be a good idea to respond on your thread. Hope I did not make a mistake by doing so.
I just realized that you may have wanted to keep that private in case you show your fiance' your thread. Sorry if I screwed up.
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

[peanut30]

Thanks so much. I think I'm going to tell him this weekend. I've been Debbie Downer the last couple days cause I'm feinding for my pills right now. At least I can give him a good reason why I'm so depressed.

I'm still trying to adjust being on the 2mg and I'm finding it harder each day? WTF?

Yesterday my sister called me and told me she scored Lortab by lying to her Dr. about having a migrain (a trick I regretfully taught her) and all night long that's all I could think about. I even dreamt about it. But I'm still here! I didn't go to the Dr. I didn't call my dealer... I don't know if I could've pushed through the cravings if I didn't have someone to talk to like I do here. I want to change so badly but there are times like yesterday and today that really test my will. I need to create a new pattern of behavior. When I want my DOC I need to stop and realize my brain is playing tricks on me. I just told her to never tell me again if she gets it. It makes it too hard for me to resist. My back hurts so bad right now that I wish I could have something to numb the pain but I just cant..... tears

[MaisieC]

Hi peanut,

Have you thought about going to NA meetings? I think it's really helpful for everyone, but you in particular seem to be very interested in learning about your feelings and your behavior, and what lessons you can learn from your experiences. A lot of people don't want to go to NA because they just want the whole addiction thing to be "over" and don't want to think about it (which doesn't often work out). But since you're already working so hard to learn and understand, I think you'd really like NA. You'll get a lot of wisdom there and talk to a lot of people who have been down the same path. And it will definitely help you stay clean and deal with those cravings!

Take care,
Maisie

[xisolationx]

Hey Peanut,

I feel for you. I have some major pain in my back too and today I am seeing the sub doctor for the first time so I'm in pretty bad w/d right now. That said, I've read your posts and can relate to going out and not remembering the night before, popping a few pills to forget the night before (and usually the guy the night before too) but I guess I didn't think I was a party girl and I haven't been for a long time now.

What you're doing is HUGE for your spirit. You sound so bright when I read your posts. You're being brave which I think is the hardest thing to be and I admire that. Keep posting please.

X

[peanut30]

Hi Maisie,

I need to do something cause I'm breaking down right now. I've asked other people on here about NA but no one has said if it helps or not. I can't stop crying I'm a wreck. This is the worst day I have had so far. Thank you for the suggestion I am going to find a meeting right now.

Pea

[Robert_325]

Thanks so much. I think I'm going to tell him this weekend. I've been Debbie Downer the last couple days cause I'm feinding for my pills right now. At least I can give him a good reason why I'm so depressed.

I'm still trying to adjust being on the 2mg and I'm finding it harder each day? WTF?

Yesterday my sister called me and told me she scored Lortab by lying to her Dr. about having a migrain (a trick I regretfully taught her) and all night long that's all I could think about. I even dreamt about it. But I'm still here! I didn't go to the Dr. I didn't call my dealer... I don't know if I could've pushed through the cravings if I didn't have someone to talk to like I do here. I want to change so badly but there are times like yesterday and today that really test my will. I need to create a new pattern of behavior. When I want my DOC I need to stop and realize my brain is playing tricks on me. I just told her to never tell me again if she gets it. It makes it too hard for me to resist. My back hurts so bad right now that I wish I could have something to numb the pain but I just cant..... tears

Hi Peanut .... I just saw the email you sent melinda and I wanted to reply here. Perhaps I can help a little. I have been out of pocket the last couple weeks so since I got back online yesterday I've kind of stayed out of your thread as you've been talking with others.

You've done really well. I've read all of your posts and you've stuck to the taper plan of reducing your dose every four days just as you're supposed to. The thing is that you've been on the subs a little longer than what I recommend. Sometimes when we use the subs longer than a couple months we have to slow down the taper process.

You should NOT be craving RX opiates like you're describing. You should take a little sliver, say about .25mg just enough to get you feeling better. You don't want to go backwards but you've been freaking the last 36 hours or so it appears. I think you should slow it down at this point. Get yourself totally stable at this dose before dropping any lower. You're using subs so that you'll feel good. You're not feeling good so we need to correct that.

Take .25mg and give it 30 minutes. See how you feel. If you aren't feeling better about this in 30 minutes then post and tell me what's happening. I may tell you to take another .25mg. We'll get you straightened out this morning. Just hang in there with me. You'll be feeling better before lunch. You're suffering at this point and you're not supposed to be feeling like that. We need to get you stable again before you try to move forward any more. God bless.

[peanut30]

Thanks Robert,

I have my .25 under my tounge now (including this sliver today I have taken 2.5mg) . It so weird cause it's not a physical craving it's a mental craving I think. It's been kinda building up the last few days but today, my Lord, is the worst. As soon as my sister told me she got some I was soooooo jealous of her. I wanted to rush out and get my own. I still do. My general practitioner is pretty much a Dr. Feel Good and I could call him right now and have pills in hand in an hour. it's so easy it's a joke. He would give me 30 Lortabs for an earache. I found a NA meeting that starts at noon. Do you think I should go? I read a post on here that someone said that all the talk of drugs made them want them even more. I just need to know, do you think I've been on these too long to get off of them, should I just give up? Or can this be done?

[melinda7.5]

Hi Peanut .... I just saw the email you sent melinda and I wanted to reply here. Perhaps I can help a little. I have been out of pocket the last couple weeks so since I got back online yesterday I've kind of stayed out of your thread as you've been talking with others.

You've done really well. I've read all of your posts and you've stuck to the taper plan of reducing your dose every four days just as you're supposed to. The thing is that you've been on the subs a little longer than what I recommend. Sometimes when we use the subs longer than a couple months we have to slow down the taper process.

You should NOT be craving RX opiates like you're describing. You should take a little sliver, say about .25mg just enough to get you feeling better. You don't want to go backwards but you've been freaking the last 36 hours or so it appears. I think you should slow it down at this point. Get yourself totally stable at this dose before dropping any lower. You're using subs so that you'll feel good. You're not feeling good so we need to correct that.

Take .25mg and give it 30 minutes. See how you feel. If you aren't feeling better about this in 30 minutes then post and tell me what's happening. I may tell you to take another .25mg. We'll get you straightened out this morning. Just hang in there with me. You'll be feeling better before lunch. You're suffering at this point and you're not supposed to be feeling like that. We need to get you stable again before you try to move forward any more. God bless.

Hi Peanut
It will be OK,,Robert has been so busy with me after the surgery he hasn't had time to do anything...When I woke up this morning I'm feeling Pretty good (knock on wood) LOL...so he will be around more to help...Im going to keep watch on you through out the day so keep posting and let us know how you are doing...you need to tell us so we can help...and it will give me something to do I'm not supposed to get off the couch...LOL...
Please don't worry, Robert will get you stable and things will work out fine...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[Robert_325]

Thanks Robert,

I have my .25 under my tounge now (including this sliver today I have taken 2.5mg) . It so weird cause it's not a physical craving it's a mental craving I think. It's been kinda building up the last few days but today, my Lord, is the worst. As soon as my sister told me she got some I was soooooo jealous of her. I wanted to rush out and get my own. I still do. My general practitioner is pretty much a Dr. Feel Good and I could call him right now and have pills in hand in an hour. it's so easy it's a joke. He would give me 30 Lortabs for an earache. I found a NA meeting that starts at noon. Do you think I should go? I read a post on here that someone said that all the talk of drugs made them want them even more. I just need to know, do you think I've been on these too long to get off of them, should I just give up? Or can this be done?

Don't be silly. There is no way you should give up. I abused opiates for over 35 years before I came up with the sub taper plan. It worked perfect for me, it's worked perfect for lots of others. If it worked for me it should work for anyone.

People have to realize that the plan needs to be modified to fit the individual. That's why I ask people to post daily how they are doing. That way we can react to your symptoms and changes can be made before you get to where you're sitting around freaking out and crying. There is no reason for that while using the subs. Yes there will be challenges but when you have problems that is when we go to Plan B.

I think going to an NA meeting would be very WISE! When I got clean in 2002 I would have never made it the first three years without NA. I personally am involved in church today rather than NA but the principle is still the same. Most of us need someone or something bigger than ourselves for support. NA is full of people just like you and me. It would do nothing but help you.

Don't worry about it if someone at a meeting says or does something that doesn't help you or says something you disagree with. Go to the meetings and take away that which helps you and leave the garbage behind. We always find some people who are contradictory at anything we do. Take advantage of the benefits and ignore the negatives. Nothing is ever perfect.

Let me know in a few minutes how you're feeling. Even though your cravings are mental that can happen if we taper too quickly. Just relax and I promise this will work for you just like it has for others. Just take your time and focus. God bless.

[peanut30]

Thanks Melinda,

You made me laugh , thanks for making me your project today. I need all the help I can get. It's been a few minutes since I dissolved my .25 under my tounge and I do feel much more "stable". This is such a rollercoaster of emotion I am on. The other day I was in warrior princess mode and today I'm in a weak helpless mode. I finally told my fiance what's going on and I feel so much better. He was so sweet. Definitely the man I am meant to be with. What are your thoughts on NA? I found a meeting that starts in an hour.

I hope you are doing okay from your surgery and that you heal quickly.

I am so grateful that you are taking the time to help me with this. I would be on the phone with my Dr. by now if it weren't for the support from you, Robert, Maise and X today. The tears are still flowing but I know now that I am not going to go get any pills.

Thank you thank you thank you! -pea

[peanut30]

Don't be silly. There is no way you should give up. I abused opiates for over 35 years before I came up with the sub taper plan. It worked perfect for me, it's worked perfect for lots of others. If it worked for me it should work for anyone.

People have to realize that the plan needs to be modified to fit the individual. That's why I ask people to post daily how they are doing. That way we can react to your symptoms and changes can be made before you get to where you're sitting around freaking out and crying. There is no reason for that while using the subs. Yes there will be challenges but when you have problems that is when we go to Plan B.

I think going to an NA meeting would be very WISE! When I got clean in 2002 I would have never made it the first three years without NA. I personally am involved in church today rather than NA but the principle is still the same. Most of us need someone or something bigger than ourselves for support. NA is full of people just like you and me. It would do nothing but help you.

Don't worry about it if someone at a meeting says or does something that doesn't help you or says something you disagree with. Go to the meetings and take away that which helps you and leave the garbage behind. We always find some people who are contradictory at anything we do. Take advantage of the benefits and ignore the negatives. Nothing is ever perfect.

Let me know in a few minutes how you're feeling. Even though your cravings are mental that can happen if we taper too quickly. Just relax and I promise this will work for you just like it has for others. Just take your time and focus. God bless.

Thanks Robert,

I am going to go to the meeting for sure. Your post was very helpful. I'm feeling much better now. I hope I'm not sounding like a hysterical crazy woman... with all this talk. I used to go to church all the time. I am catholic and as much as I love the rituals and sybolism in the catholic church I need something that speaks more to me. My fiance used to go to a non denominational christian church that he really liked and we are going to go together this weekend. I'm going to try to do both, NA and church for a while. I have calmed down a lot now, thank you, I am going to get ready to go to the meeting now. Can I let you guys know how it went when I get back? .

Thanks again to allof you for helping me today. I wish I could give you guys a big hug.

[melinda7.5]

Hi Peanut

I went to a couple of meetings, I think they are great...you really bond with those people, I think it is like when your in the army and your fighting side by side with someone and you make a bond that can never be broken...
Only someone that has been Thur this knows how you feel...

Thanks for wishing me well...There is a positive side to this I get to take some time off work ....

I will talk to you soon, Melinda

[RubyDean]

hey peanut, I just wanted to tell you I think you will benefit a lot from going to some NA meetings. If nothing else it will definitely help take you mind off your cravings and most likely you will hear some postive messages there. For me the meeting are part of my weekly routine, and has really helped me in my recovery. Another thing that stuck out to me was when you mentioned your sister talking to you about her scripts and what not. That is not going to help you in any way. I would suggest you don't talk to her as much, or if you do simply tell her you don't want to talk about that, and it is hindering your recovery. I'm sure she loves ya, and will respect your wishes. Hope you are feeling better, it sounds like it is a lot of mental battle you are fighting, so do whatever you can to help that. Meetings and being outdoors helps me bigtime. Stay with it!

[Robert_325]

Peanut ..... Certainly let us know how the meeting goes. Just have an open mind. I suggest that when the chairperson asks if anyone has a topic that is your signal! Talk about what you're going through. Don't sit there and do nothing. Talk at the beginning of the meeting so others can give you feedback. You'll come out of there feeling good if you do that. I've had several NA sponsees over the years. You will need to find yourself a sponsor after you find someone you really relate to.

I also go to a multi-denominational Christian church. It's all about a relationship with Jesus Christ for me. The name of the church doesn't matter. I think that the church and NA combination will be great for you. Let me know how it goes today. God bless.

[Freedom4me]

Peanut,
You are doing great. Hang in there. I was taking vicodin every day for over a year for a chronic back injury and quit cold turkey. It was no day at the beach but I made it through. That was almost 5 months ago. This site helped me make it and stay off of it. I still have a craving every once in awhile but it passes really quickly now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this.

[peanut30]

I'm back from the meeting and a few errands and I feel so much hope right now. I talked to a girl who might become my sponsor so I'm really excited to get to know her better. I'm going to meet her at another NA meeting tomorrow night. Today's topic was about self esteem and how addicts tend to have low self esteem. I definitely do. I take everything very personally and I always think I'm being judged. Plus, how could I feel good about myself when I was lying every day to people, stealing pills from people. Couldn't be happy unless I was high, or got high to mask my feelings of inadequacy. I felt so safe at the meeting. The playing field was leveled and I am no better or worse that the next guy. Someone at the meeting said, "we are all unique individuals but the problems we have are as common as dirt and the solution to the problem of addiction is as common as dirt." I'm happily humbled now and realize that I have a long way to go but I can and will go the distance on this.

[peanut30]

Dose: 2.5 mg
Day: 1 (I guess I will start over counting days and try 2.5 for the next 4 days and see how it goes)

[Robert_325]

Dose: 2.5 mg
Day: 1 (I guess I will start over counting days and try 2.5 for the next 4 days and see how it goes)

I think that sounds perfect. Get comfortable and then we'll take you down again. You will probably do fine at that dose for THREE days actually since it's up a little from before. And that is okay where you are.

I'm glad the meeting went well. You just entered into a new type of life if you really work the program. I went the first two years and only missed three days total making at least one meeting. That was a lot of meetings but I'm still clean.

I don't make meetings like I used to but I do other things with my life. I've gotten my life back which was my goal when I got clean. I can live happily in whatever life throws at me pretty much today. It took years to get there though. It just takes time and you do it as each day comes. God bless.

[melinda7.5]

Hi Peanut
WOW, look at you go girl...you are kickin A$$...
I know you must be feeling so good right now...you can see the light at the end of the tunnel...
I can remember when I new I would make it and it sure felt good...
Have a great day...
Melinda

[peanut30]

Thanks so much you guys. Whenever I used to get into a funk like I did today I would usually do anything I could to get pills. Today I did something different, and next time I get a craving like that one I will keep doing what I did today. I wouldn't have gone to that meeting if it werent for Maise bringing it up and Robert and Melinda validating that choice to me. Robert thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me. I too want my life back and that will be my driving force. Melinda thank you for the praise and encouragement to keep going. I read one of your posts once that said sometimes you get cravings in the morning and you think about how bad it was when you were taking them and it snaps you out of it. I definitely need to work on that one. My heart is filled with gratitude. Smiles no more tears.

[peanut30]

What a difference a day makes. I took 2mg this morning and I feel fine. If I start to crave or feel yucky I'll take my other .25 sliver. Today is a gym day. Im feeling good since I've lost 25 pounds.

My man and I had the most amazing talk last night. He admitted to me that years ago he also had a problem with opiates and the thought of withdrawls keeps him from taking them any more. He said I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me. Wow! How did I find this guy? I did kiss a lot of frogs until I found my prince (I know it's a cliche but it's so true! Of course they werent real frogs... well, not all of them) Now that I know he is with me all the way and I don't have to hide anyting from him anymore I feel even more empowered to do this. I have set my quit date at September 7th. I "planned" out a slow taper, like every 5-7 days for me since I've been on this **** so long (huh Robert?). That day works really well for me because I have no obligations until 21 days after that.

Here's my question for anyone: Melinda, Robert, Intelmetal, RubyDean, Maise, anyone who has or is going through detox

after my last day should I throw away all of my subs or should I hang on to a few crumbs in case I absolutely need one?

[Robert_325]

Peanut .... It's okay to do the taper slowly taking 5-7 days between reductions. But don't make the same mistake so many drs make. They tell everyone the same thing related to sub usage. It's impossible to accurately predict what you'll need to do until the time comes. Just play it by ear and keep posting.

Don't say that you'll need 5-7 days at each increment tapering down. You may need a week after one reduction but only need four days at another. That's why I say to post so we can make suggestions based on your symptoms. You're going to do fine.

It isn't an automatic thing that you'll need more days at each dose because you used subs longer than another person. You will likely do just fine. I always like to expect everything to go good. Then if it doesn't we'll deal with it when it happens. God bless.

[Robert_325]

Peanut ... I don't personally believe in keeping remnants around from drug using. To me it's a reservation when we do that. It's the same as saying something is going to happen so I'll be prepared. Make the commitment to yourself that this is it. NO MORE OPIATES !!! Don't keep anything around when you finish. That's my feelings at least. God bless.

[purpledog]

hi peanut, yep im down in new zealand, subs are way new down here, and its been good to get on this site and find out the do's and don'ts way before i do the don'ts. lived in aussie for 4 years and jumped to iv crystal meth. then scotland for a dabble on the heroin. hmmmm. thought geographicals would do it, but nah. i know now thats just silly. was clean when i did come home to nz but an old junky mate now lives 3 doors down, and at that stage he was getting his methadone couriered once a week to him. i say no more, i got back in. my fault.
thanks for replying on intemetals thread anyway, no worries.
yep i know i am working in the right place, i have a s'''te load to give to these teenagers, so at least im working on my habit so i will have even more to give.
we have a huge problem over here with "p" its called, basically they smoke crystal meth, and i know all the phycosis that that can cause. I don't think any of my kids are on it, a lot of them smoke weed, im trying to teach them about being discreet about it. coz they were pretty up front when i started the job. but i have been reallly honest with them about where hard drugs will lead them, and who knows maybe down the track i can tell them i know from experience. at the moment its "i know someone who......".
how long you been on subs, its a massive change aye
and i can relate to you wondering if you should keep some crumbs (just in case), isnt wierd how our brains know what we shouldnt do, but the wee monkey on our back, did i say wee, ha ha, anyway the monkey tells us no worries, its ok.
one week since my last hit
and im doing fine. awesome
cheers


oh yeh there is na around here, never been to one yet, did the aa thing about 20 years ago, but got a bit of stigma for being a junkie, i think things have changed now tho. mite give it a go. cool

[peanut30]

Congratulations Keep up the good work. I definitely think once it's done it's done. I have set September 7th as my last day hopefully so we will see how things go. I'm ready to shake that monkey off my back! Buh bye!

Robert: I have still only taken 2mg today and I feel fine. No cravings and feeling quite stable so maybe I'm okay here for a few days. I will probably stay at 2mg until Sunday and try to drop down to 1.5 or even 1.75 on monday. Thanks for your help and I hope you have a great weekend. I'll be checking in of course. Don't know what I would do without the support here.

Pea (hearts, happiness, freedom)

[Robert_325]

Congratulations Keep up the good work. I definitely think once it's done it's done. I have set September 7th as my last day hopefully so we will see how things go. I'm ready to shake that monkey off my back! Buh bye!

Robert: I have still only taken 2mg today and I feel fine. No cravings and feeling quite stable so maybe I'm okay here for a few days. I will probably stay at 2mg until Sunday and try to drop down to 1.5 or even 1.75 on monday. Thanks for your help and I hope you have a great weekend. I'll be checking in of course. Don't know what I would do without the support here.

Pea (hearts, happiness, freedom)

That sounds good. Just stay in touch. You'll do fine dropping to 1.5mg at the next reduction. God bless.