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Flushed them down the toilet, and now bracing myself for WD
Flushed them down the toilet, and now bracing myself for WD
I am quitting - for good.
I started using percocet as a performance-enhancer, both in nightlife and at the workplace. At the peak 2 years ago, I was up to 10 pills of 10/325 percocets per day. I decided enough was enough, and quit cold-turkey using the Thomas recipe. I had almost no physical WD - at the time I Was just getting to know my girlfriend (who I am still with today and is supporting me now, God bless her) and I attribute it to my euphoria of getting to know her. Perhaps because it was so easy, I relapsed several months later thinking it would not be an issue, same dose. Fast-forward 1 year later, I again realized this was not sustainable, and I did it again - same exact recipe (the Thomas recipe). However this time I had probably the worst week of my life. I do not know what the difference between these two were, and I wish I did, because it was one of the most horrendous weeks of my life. Suffice to say, I made it through, and stayed clean - until several months ago I started using again. Now I was up to 10 again, but recently tapered it down to 4-5 daily.
Tonight I realized that I need to get my life back. I am entering one of the most difficult and challenging periods at the workplace for the next 4 months, and I am currently on a 8 day vacation - so I see this as the perfect time to stop. IN fact, it is the only option. I thought about continuning my taper, which has succeeded in cutting my dose to about 4-5 daily - but I only have 8 days before I have to return to work and start my intense 4 months...
And so tonight I took my 15 last percocets, and I flushed them down the toilet. It was hard to do, felt so strange, yet somehow liberating. I must admit I took one before I did that - and I am currently writing in the residual glow of that last percocet - and feel as though I am at the edge of a cliff. When this wears off, I have no safety rope or anything - I plunge straight into WD. My girlfriend has been incredibly supportive, and will be off for the next week to see me through this. Tomorrow we are going to pick up all the supplies for the Thomas recipe, and go to the beach - I figure it is the last day before the WD really hit so I can still be productive.
I am scared - but I know I have done it before, and I know many on this forum have as well. I plan on documenting my journey this time around - as I know inside that this is truly my last time. Any words of wisdom or thoughts in general would be appreciated, and I hope that my account will help others the way that the stories of others have helped motivate and inspire me...
You have a safety rope (or net) here. The good people here have gotten me through more than I could have fathomed. Do keep posting & journaling, it really does help a tremendous amount. Congratulations on your decision to quit and flush! Just hang on, you'll get lots of support. All my best ~willow
Perco, now the work starts, I had no problem quitting, did that a 1000x, it was staying quit that took the work and dedication. You have relapsed several times so something was missing.Strongly suggest AA/NA . That support is invaluable. This disease progresses whether we use or not. That is why you almost immediately were back up on your dose. You did the right thing in flushing the pills now people here will help you through the wd and to stay clean. Hang in there man pulling for you anything I can do i will Surfdog
Perco, that was a very courageous thing! I don't know where Percosets rank in the scheme of bad drugs; I finally got off Norco and it wasn't as bad as I expected. Keep a positive attitude and as surfdog says, going to meetings of AA, NA is a big support.
How are you this morning ?
Thank you Willow - your words are reassuring. Surfdog, I will definitely consider what you are saying as I realize my problem runs deeper than just chasing a high. Thalia, percs are pretty very similar, I would say on the same level with the norco - mine is oxycodone and yours was hydrocodone.
I am feeling ok this morning! Know that it hasn't really started yet though. Thank you all very much for your thoughts, don't feel as alone knowing you guys have been there before
Perc, Welcome to the forum... Little different spin on your situation... FEEL GOOD about flushing them. At the time, that is something I could not do. So now, you have that attitude of F this... Just post your journey, realize that you are going to feel like you have the flu ( you know the drill) and go at this hard.. We are here for you so ask any question you feel you need too. One other thing,... Try to focus on one thing at a time.. Right now, just focus on treating the symptoms and feeling better for the next 4 or 5 days.. There will be plenty of time to clean up what you feel you have hurt/done.
All my best, Reid
Last edited by caughtagain; 06-20-2012 at 09:47 AM.
Originally Posted by caughtagain
Welcome to the forum! Please follow what Reid offers you in the way of suggestions and advice! This man KNOWS what he's doing here! Many others do also and they will post to you at some point. But Reid has been with me since the first day here (been here a little over a week) and his advice is priceless!
I flushed my remaining pills as Robert and others said and it was THE VERY BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD to me! Felt really liberated. You have the right attitude to do this. I wish you the very best. Blessings.
Good job flusing those pills! We're all here for you man! My name is Nadia, chat anytime! Thalia, it's all the same garbage in the big scheme of things...
Perc, hydrochordone is a class lll med. Percocet is class ll med. Percs are oxychodone. As they are oxychodone based as in roxichodone, percocet, OxyContin, etc all class ll meds. All are opiates. But hydros have a shorter recovery time than the class ll drugs. Of course the wd,s from all of them are horrible. But hydrochordone is usually shorter......then again everyone,s experience is different.....SD
Thanks for that info; there are so many variables in getting off drugs, and I don't want to take ANY of them again. I was pleasantly surprised that the "health food" supplement Melatonin, did get me through a good night's sleep (at least I think it was the Melatonin). Anyway I had "faith" that it would work and maybe it did.
...or maybe I am finally getting enough distance from the Hydrocodone that life is getting a little normal again..
Good for you Perco, for flushing those pills, but I can certainly say from experience that alcohol is to be avoided. It was my first DOC (probably still would be since I like the "ambiance" but anymore they all lead to the same thing: addiction. Just be careful.
Originally Posted by Sundwn
ahh i love the beginning of a success story I believe this will be one of them. You have the right mindset, you just have to fight through it. You will be a better person as a result. Good luck, and keep posting P.
Quotes that keep me going:
"Do you have another day 1 in you?"
"If not now, when?"
“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”
Clean as of 02.03.2012
I'm glad to hear you are done with the perc's !! Flushing those perc's down the toilet is an AWESOME sign to YOURSELF that you mean business! I am back into recovery myself and it feels good to know that the nightmare's we've experienced NEVER have to happen again. I love a quote someone once said in an AA meeting, "Relapse is not a requirement". Like most addicts, I was 'on the fence' for awhile and eventually we do have to choose which side we end up on. I wish the BEST for you and just know that I'm with you in spirit, sounds like you have great support, and the wd's are a small (yes hell) price to pay to get to the other side which is FREEDOM from the 'ball and chain' which is drugs. I believe in the 12 steps and the fellowship of AA/NA, it might not be for you but know it's an option. It saved my life many many times. Anyway, Be good to yourself, try to stay 'in the moment' and not dwell too much on what's ahead as far as wd's, and if you feel like using PLEASE let someone know, I'm here if you need support from someone who's been through it, and going through it again. Peace, Jules
Thank you guys for the support. Having been down this road before, these are things that I know - but it is easy to forget and it is so helpful to have the reminders. I have started to feel the pain of the WD - it comes on initially as a simple craving for what I used to feed my body to make myself feel awesome all the time. I took a nap and since then have been watching movies, been loosely following the thomas recipe (I will start more in earnest tomorrow but I have the clonidine and klonopin covered and i feel like it is helping a lot).
At this stage of the game (still Day 1), I think the biggest feeling is the superficial longing for the pills. Meaning I don't think I'm going through any significant physical WD just yet, but more by body is screaming out because I used to boost it every few hours with a dose of the perc, which would just bring me back to feeling awesome. So i became accustomed to feeling that way all the time - and so more and more pills needed to maintain that sensation which I now thought was my new norm, and I loved it - but you have to pay the bank back eventually. Which is what I am resolved to do now - for the 3rd and last time - because it literally turns you into a slave, requiring more and more and giving you less and less... It is definitely an "F this" attitude and a wish for freedom
Originally Posted by percohater
Good move, flushing the pills! I hear that you've tackled withdrawal and stopping in the past, but it was the long-term piece that tripped you up and brought you back to using. A simple suggeston, Percohater: If you want different results that you had in the past, you'll have to do something different.
As addicts, we want to believe we can do this on our own; that sheer force of will and determination will keep us clean. But we don't give this disease enough credit. We don't know how devious and manipulative it is; how it reaches us through our greatest weakness - and tears at us until we cave in and use.
Hate to say it, but stopping is the easiest part. A week or less of some difficult symptoms, and we're clean. But we need help to stay stopped. That's where NA or AA come in. When we're using, we are not utilizing any coping tools; the drugs become the way to "fix" any emotion we don't like. So we stop growing emotionally. We expect answers to come as a "quick fix" like the pills did. It is through the 12 step programs that we have the chance to look within and change those things inside ourselves that led us back to pills. That's where we learn the skills that will keep us clean in the long-run.
Clonodine is fine for the initial detox; klonopin is a potential nightmare. Please use it ONLY when you absolutely have to, to get some sleep. And do not continue beyond the first week. If you have been taking klonopin regularly already, you need to taper down slowly, to avoid the risk of a seizure. Klonopin quickly lends itself to dependency and addiction, and make the withdrawal off percs look like a walk in the park!
Please - I urge you to attend some meetings, so you give yourself the best chance at long-term success.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
Thank you Ruth. I'm not on day 2, and I haven't really used the klonopin except last night and it helped me sleep. i don't use it regularly at all, just picked it up for this detox. I agree with what you said about needing a more durable solution to prevent relapse - and I've looked up some meetings in the area. If I am feeling up to it after I get through this initial stuff maybe I will go pay a visit.
I"m feeling quite a bit of RLS, and muscle aches - and also drenching sweats. Not quite as bad as it coud be, and I guess the clonidine is helping with that. I have been drinking some protein shakes cuz i can't seem to want to get a good meal in. I also don't have any vitamins - do you guys think i should go out and get some?
but you have to pay the bank back eventually. Which is what I am resolved to do now - for the 3rd and last time - because it literally turns you into a slave, requiring more and more and giving you less and less... It is definitely an "F this" attitude and a wish for freedom....
just reading thru your thread here, and thought you might want
to keep that front and center these next few days..
sounds like a great motivator to me!! FREEDOM!
protein shakes are good yeah! .. you need the thomas recipe stuff..
have you seen that?
when you can't sleep, don't fight it! walk... move...
be brave and pray..
read your own words (above) often!
Allll my best! and my prayers too..
Last edited by ClassiqueMom; 06-21-2012 at 07:38 PM.
yeah sure! it's not NECCESSARY..but it's not a bad idea to start putting GOOD stuff into your body. and not to be gross..but i don't know how ur (we'll say) tummy is..so u might be lacking in some nutrients.
when i went into detox i was addicted to xanax and opiates. so klonopin for me was a BIG NO NO! and a nice hot shower and a cpl melatonin before bed did the trick for me when it came to sleep. (just something to think about).
anyways..it's nice to meet u perco! keep moving forward..and i agree w/ CK'S comment..ur gonna be great!
Thanks CK, for the reminder. It is a great motivator, to be free of the pills - to not have to live life in increments based on how full my bottle was at any given time. No more coming back home to get some more if I didn't bring out enough. No more fear about running low. And just being myself, which I was doing just fine with before... These are the things I am looking forward to, and I will keep those words and yours as a reminder.
THank you Toni - I will get the tvitamins, and also will go for a nice hot shower before sleeping...sounds great!
Can't sleep; that is why I am up at 5AM. I am join to try for a bit more without much hope.
Perco, I admire you so much; keep it up, because I can tell you it is SO not worth relapsing. (which I have now done, again). I may be one of those people mentioned in the AA lit who "just can't get it" but I am trying again.
You are one day closer to being clean while I am starting over.
Originally Posted by ClassiqueMom
Thalia, don't beat yourself up over it - you are somewhere I and many others on this board have been. Your heart is in the right place, but it can take some time to really move the body to go along with it because the hold that this drug has on our bodies is so damn strong. It seems that you are in the right place though, so don't give up hope.
Today is Day 3 - last night I had the alternating sweats and chills, not to mention the restless legs. But I did find I had a bit of an appetite even after downing a protein shake and took down some bacon and eggs. I also had some trouble with insomnia - fell asleep around 11 but then woke up at 3 and couldn't fall back asleep. I took a klonopin at 5am after watching platoon on TV, which was able to kncok me out until 10am.
I would say that so far the worst symptom is the GI symptoms - which I have been trying to control with the immodium. But it is hard to titrate. So I am left with a "chapped ass". Other than that, another symptom is the dry throat/coughing/sneezing...I don't remember this from the last time. Does anyone else have this? I've been thinking about sucking on some cough drops because it is getting a bit excessive.
As far as myalgias are concerned, I've been taking ibuprofen 600mg twice a day, with meals. For the most part that has been helping me - and I did start the vitamins this morning.
My mentality is ok today. Granted I have not faced any sort of adversity yet - I've essentially been ignoring emails and texts, and have cut myself off from the outside world (cooking up some sort of camping trip excuse in my head right now) but in general I think my mood is OK, surprisingly. I try to keep reminding myself that before, by now I would have HAD to pop some pills just to feel normal...artificially and fakely normal. But today, I feel OK, and that means I really am OK (and not just OK because some pill is bringing me up from an abyss that the pill itself created). It makes me hopeful.
Great job perc! Keep sticking with it. You're almost out of the hard part now! I know you can do it.
Perc I haven't heard from you in a while. Let us know how you're holding up.
Perco, I have great admiration for you! I get t start the whole awful process again tonight since I relapse. I really don't' know if that will be easier?
Anyway, good for you. I hate the alternating sweats and chills (still weird to me that they can happen at the same time?)
You give me courage and strength to do this another time and I thank you, Jana
Originally Posted by percohater
Hang in there Thalia. You're not the only one who has gone through this a couple times - so have I.
TF, thanks for looking out. This is day 3 for me. It has not been easy but it has certainly been doable - watching the NBA finals last night and then a bunch of netflix shows nonstop today. I haven't left my apartment in 2 since this whole thing started (though I did start the detox wiht a day at the beach - but that day I still had some in my system). THe sweats and chills seem to ahve improved, although the RLS is still there. Overall, mood for me seems to be OK.
TF - something you said on another post really resonated with me. You said
"I've been thinking a lot. The last 2-3 years every major event in my life I was on vicodin - kind of not happy about that. I'm wondering what I misssed."
That is EXACTLY how I feel. My graduation from professional school, I was on percs. When I met my new niece, I was on percs. All the social events I go to through work, I have always been on them...and then at work itself, I have enhanced myself on them. Not to mention every wedding of anybody dear to me - I was on percs and I did it to help with the socializing, or since it was a special occasion, or whatever other bull???? excuse I was feeding myself at the moment.
TF, I don't think we have really necessarily "missed' anything. I have fabulous memories from school and work, many perc associated. I must admit some of the best are perc associated. But there are some that are not - and I hold onto those - as evidence that I can achieve the heights of happiness, purely generated by my own home-grown endorphins. And while it may not be so easy as a band-aid to pop down the throat - it really is just that much more meaningful for me as a memory.
These are the questions I grapple with internally, as I go through this withdrawal process. Certainly setting aside several days for withdrawal allows for self reflection... Suffice it to say, I definitely feel you when you lament that you major life events were on vike past couple years. So have mine. But I don't think that that means I missed anything. THe strange thing is i still have vivid memories of all those times - really really good memoreis. and my hope is to have those really good memories still, now that it really is me, just using my own endoprhins and goodwill. Because before the pills - we had it before man.
good memories with chains (that just keep getting tighter with the intent & purpose of destroying your life)
Originally Posted by percohater
good memories without the chains..
you're making the right choice!
P - R - A - Y - E - R
When life gets too hard to stand...KNEEL !
my friend in recovery feels the same way. he said he's lucky cuz he gets to live 2 lives....he had fun in his 'past life'...but now gets to live a life filled with substance.
Originally Posted by percohater
it's funny..i didn't think i "missed" anything in my life either..i can't believe how wrong i was. i'm just speaking for myself though. looking back, i find that although i was yes present for all of the occasions..i wasn't TRULY living IN them.
i like your analogy of the "band-aid down the throat". but doesn't that almost speak for itself though? pills were only masking our true emotions..and giving us..yes heightened..but >>>> ones instead. doesn't mean u have to hate them though..
i prefer when u said that your "heights of happiness, purely generated by my own home-grown endorphins....really is just that much more meaningful for me as a memory". seems like u get it.
you'll come to love yourself in your new life soo much more...but that doesn't mean you have to hate the old you. just learn from it..and live by it.
Yeah I got clean a bunch of times but with no aftercare I relapsed its going to happen unless you get some support.
THank you toni. I think it will take some time but I will love my new life so much more. All those >>>> memories - and weirdly a lot of the last few years just seems to be a blur, like I can't really pinpoint the times when i was using and the times that I was not. It's all a big blur and no matter how I hard to try to remember it's really hard to piece it together.
I can't wait to be myself again
Hey Perc hope you're doing well. Still putting in a good word for you when I say my prayers.
I appreciate your looking out. I've been doing much better actually, since the weekend. I started taking baths in the morning with epsom bath salts (not the psychotic drug we are hearing about in the news, but rather magnesium salts). 2 cups in a hot bath for 30 minutes, followed by a cold shower really revitalizes me. I have been much more productive since yesterday, though I may have overdone it and was exhausted yesterday - feels good though.
I've had to get back to work just a bit earlier than expected but it is light, which explains why I haven't really been able to post my progress so well on here. But it is going well - I think I am in the clear as far as physical WD (this is day 5). Mentally, it helped a lot knowing you and others were going through the same thing at around the same time.
I glanced at your other post and saw you're not feeling so hot physically - try taking a hot bath and listening to music. In terms of recovery, I think by far the mental aspect is far more important, and I think you have it.
I'll leave you with a fortune cookie that I appropriately found its way to me last night. Stay strong and keep it up tf - hope you feel better buddy.