Flushed my Hydrocodone

[flatsman444]

Hey everyone , I started a new thread because I didnt know how to change the name of the old one. ( " I am hopeless " ) . Somehow , " I am hopeless " just doesnt sound right. I feel pretty liberated after flushing those pills. Seven years of addiction to hydrocodone . Im six days clean and flushed my pills , also cancelled DR.appt . I have not been without a huge amnt. of pills in the house in seven years. Man , I so want to win this time. I have quit several times in the past . Mostly failed within 10 days , once stayed clean for 58 days. It might not sound like much of a big deal to flush your pills. Because the whole idea of CT was to be through with the pills right ? In the past I always kept my stash of pills. Sub consciously knowing I was going to take pills again. So to throw away all those pills was a huge SYMBOLIC gesture for me. Im not bragging here , just really being thankful for this forum . Cant wait for all the fog to lift. Probably another month. I have been using for seven years. It will take a month or two to return earth as I used to know it. Peace

[cheekysod]

good on ya flats. way to go...

[NoMoreLies]

Congratulations! Flushing your pills is a huge step in the right direction! It sounds like you *really* want to get and stay clean!

[amberwish]

Thats great! Just hang in there, we both know it never gets better, always worse.
Amber

[staysober10]

Flatsmann,

Congrats on flushing your pills, that is a huge step. I am having a hard time stopping. My thread is called "I'd like my life back.." I was curious to know the strength of vicodin you were taking and how many per day you were doing?

[chucknice]

I glad you flushed them. Even though I was at 10x your dose, we have followed similar paths. I cancelled 2 'orders' and am on Day 6 with you. It sucked this morning, but I took my shower, got dressed and went out for a while. That made a world of difference.

[flatsman444]

Glad to hear your doing ok Chuck. We know it takes a couple of weeks to start feeling that sense of clarity that we want. One day at a time , forward only , no reverse on this engine. I know some of this might sound corny or phony and some of it is. But its part of the deal . You have to be as positive as your brain will allow. Im doing ok , but have a little anxiety since I flushed the pills. It will pass and I wont go back to that life. keep posting . Peace

[flatsman444]

Hi Staysober , I was on a very low dose compared to so many here. I was at 15mg./ daily for seven years. I am 63 and even at that low dose , seven years really messes up your chemistry. I will read your thread for sure. These meds are powerful on our brains. I have done this a few times in the last seven years. My old thread titled " I am hopeless " will explain if your interested.

[flatsman444]

Thanks Amberwish for your input. It sure helps me when I know others are helping each other on this forum .

[cryin out]

Flatts, just taking a stand on not being hopeless is really cool. I never forgot how frustrated you were at dependence despite being a good patient adn following orders. And ya know, that got to me too and I was not good but dependence is a horrible way to live. I am only 45 and have physical trouble probably close to women your age and so yesterday I went to visit old people (we are talking 80 and 90 year olds) and I did this so I would realize that maybe I am not what I remember being,but that these elders just deal with all their issues with alot more grace and dignity than I do. I was glad to have time with them yesterday

[flatsman444]

Thanks Cryin out , You are so right.

[shadowwally]

Congrats flats....!!!
Haven't been on forum much. My mom is very ill. But when I saw this I was so impressed!

[flatsman444]

Thanks Shadowwally . I hope your Mom will be ok. Peace

[flatsman444]

Hi everyone , its the morning of Day 8 clean . One full week clean and I flushed all my pills . Life is better tan it was . Seven years of daily hydrocodone use and always at least 250 pills in my stash. Yesterday was ok and thats all I can say. Just ok. This is the part that requires patience . The changes we feel come slower and more subtle. But yesterday I did have two of those beautiful brain zaps . Moments of crystal clear thinking and feeling of well being. That feeling has been missing for seven years. Oh sure , when using , its easy to get that euphoric feeling. But you wont get that feeling of clear thinking . That only comes when I am clean . I had a lot of anxiety yesterday but it was totally manageable. Not fun but manageable. Going forward I have to keep telling myself that it will return and I will be the same old guy I used to be. I lived without hydrocodone before and I can do it again. I hate taking the pills. At first I always justify the use. OH its ok your dose is low , you have pain , yada yada . Thats all bull and I know it. then the negative thinking kicks in and I feel bad about being addicted . I have learned about myself through the years , three relapses . I cant afford to feel negative and have low self asteem. The pills make me feel that way. They give me energy but they also work negatively on my self asteem. So I guess what I am doing here on this forum now is venting and reminding myself of all the negative things about using. I know them already but its positive reinforcement. Enough for now , I feel ok today and I am going cross country skiing today with two of my friends. They dont know what I am going through . But they are my best friends. I have no one to vent to but the wonderful folks here. Keep the comments coming, I need them . Peace

[disabledleo]

Way to go Flats it "IS A WONDERFUL" FEELING when you do i I KNOW because I too have done it that way before.
Sounds like you are going after your goals FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!!

Just by you posting that will help others in know it can be done & they can follow you BRAVE move & better their situation greatly.

I wish you the best & if you ever have a ? or just need someone to talk to let me know Flatts

AGAIN WONDERFUL JOB I can only speak for myself BUT I A PROUD OF YOU

[flatsman444]

Day 9 . Feeling strong . I have my moments of doubt but they pass . Time is the healer of dope addiction. Every day , week , month , brings us closer to who we used to be before pills. My head is getting clearer every day . Soon the moments of anxiety shall pass too. Thanks again to all the people here that have helped me to get clean. Seven years is way too long . Peace

[chucknice]

Yes, today is a good day. I started really feeling it last night. I may be on here a little less, because I don't want to constantly read about this stuff. I'd rather go exercise or catch up on work.

Congrats, flats... If you don't hear from me for a day or 2, don't worry about me. I'm still right here with you brother...

[cryin out]

Chuck, I feel that way too some moments I cannot be on here, not that it is a temptation but I dont want to get stuck in those thoughts right now.

Flatts, day 9...woo hoo I just posted that yesterday, day 13 I felt I turned a corner. I had been battling pain and lack on stamina and incredibly frustrated that I could not do things. Well, I held onto the stories of the old ones here that went through it too. I am not saying I will be fine all the day, anxiety still comes and gotta work m body slowly (for my situation) but indeed I felt more of my yesterday than any other day. THERE IS HOPE. Your doing great

[flatsman444]

Thanks Chucknice and Cryin out . Chuck , I feel that way about posting everyday too when I get clean. But I need more venting still. Its my way of reminding myself of what has just happened. We all get back to normal in different ways and in different times. Main thing is we get there and stay there. I know I dont want pills right now. But soon when more clean time gets in , at least for me. I need to to keep remembering just a little bit of that bad stuff . Other wise I think " that wasn't too bad " and start to think it would be possible to use for a few days then stop . It all works a little different for each of us. This time around I flushed all pills and cancelled DR. appts. I know I want this done. I can not have this in my life . So day 9 it is for now and I will not go back.

[staysober10]

Thanks Chucknice and Cryin out . Chuck , I feel that way about posting everyday too when I get clean. But I need more venting still. Its my way of reminding myself of what has just happened. We all get back to normal in different ways and in different times. Main thing is we get there and stay there. I know I dont want pills right now. But soon when more clean time gets in , at least for me. I need to to keep remembering just a little bit of that bad stuff . Other wise I think " that wasn't too bad " and start to think it would be possible to use for a few days then stop . It all works a little different for each of us. This time around I flushed all pills and cancelled DR. appts. I know I want this done. I can not have this in my life . So day 9 it is for now and I will not go back.

You now your serious when you flush pills and cancel dr. appts where you know you will be getting more pills. Brave, very brave.

[cryin out]

I cancelled my appt too. Brave move

[flatsman444]

Thanks SS and Cryin out. Flushing the pills was way hard. Canceling the Dr.appt was way easy. When I flushed I was still very scared . I had only been around day 5 of ct . But by the time I cancelled the Dr appt it was game on. I had a bit of an idea it would work this time. Flushing my huge stash was symbolic to me. That stash was almost a living part of me. It was really hard to let it go . Now I feel much more encouraged that I can move on from all this. The more clear headed I get the more I feel like I didnt even like the high from the pills. You get so stoned for so long and you dont even realize you dont like it . Its crazy stuff and I am really respecting the fact that it is dangerous for people like me. I am not the hero type. Im more careful then that . LOL

[flatsman444]

day 10 , feel good and strong

[flatsman444]

Day 11 , yesterday was a good day all in all . But I still think about all that has happened over the last seven years . I know it will take a month or two to stop constantly thinking about what has just happened. Ten or eleven days clean is not long enough to heal ALL the damage done. Habits like I had take months not days to change. But I am determined to stay off opiates . All I have now is the cravings and a small amount of anxiety . I try to stay busy and get out as much as I can. Good luck to all here that are struggling .

[SomeDay]

Day 11 , yesterday was a good day all in all . But I still think about all that has happened over the last seven years . I know it will take a month or two to stop constantly thinking about what has just happened. Ten or eleven days clean is not long enough to heal ALL the damage done. Habits like I had take months not days to change. But I am determined to stay off opiates . All I have now is the cravings and a small amount of anxiety . I try to stay busy and get out as much as I can. Good luck to all here that are struggling .

I was/am the same way when recovering. I seem to be obsessed with the time that I abused and how things used to be. It's like i'm struggling to place myself at the correct point in time. It feels like something was taken and you can't get it back.

But on the other hand, what gives me comfort is knowing just how much better my life is going to be because of what I went through. It was tough, but it happened for a reason. Instead of thinking negatively about it, try to use it as a positive experience. I tend to tell myself that the entire period I used was completely bad. Now while much of it was, especially while trying to quit so many times, there were also good things that happened while I used. So just think of it as a point in time, and now it's time to move on to the next part of it. No regrets, only lessons learned.

[flatsman444]

Thanks for your comments Someday . When I speak about the past and what has happened I am speaking of the Ct and WD experiences I have endured the past seven years. I dont stress about any of the rest just the pain of CT and WD. I have to keep posting here to remind myself of the pain of kicking this stuff. Never again , the famous last words of every addict. Of course we mean it when we say it. Truth is many of us fail over and over before we get it right, I so hope that this time the third or fourth time I dont even remember anymore , is the last. We have to think it is and keep going forward , never back.

[SomeDay]

Thanks for your comments Someday . When I speak about the past and what has happened I am speaking of the Ct and WD experiences I have endured the past seven years. I dont stress about any of the rest just the pain of CT and WD. I have to keep posting here to remind myself of the pain of kicking this stuff. Never again , the famous last words of every addict. Of course we mean it when we say it. Truth is many of us fail over and over before we get it right, I so hope that this time the third or fourth time I dont even remember anymore , is the last. We have to think it is and keep going forward , never back.

I have been through the cycle of withdrawal, relapse, use, quit, probably 50 times. It just gets worse every time. It's not something you ever get used to. Mentally knowing what's going to happen makes it all that much worse. It is a difficult process to say the least, and you absolutely have to "want it bad" in order to even have a small chance of success. The only time I was successful for any extended period of time was when I really wanted to quit, and had it planned out.

Lately I haven't been successful because I don't really have it in my heart like I did the time I was successful (for about 2 months). The main obstacle right now is work. I have so much work to do , mainly because I let it pile up while using, and it is completely overwhelming. The withdrawal process really does do a number on the mind. I usually feel higher than a kite for a few weeks after quitting. But I can say, since I was clean for a couple months about a year ago, that it is an unreal feeling when you get clean. It was the best I have ever felt. It was almost magical. I really want to get back there. I'm just not sure if i'm ready for the journey.

[flatsman444]

Hi Someday . Are you clean now?

[SomeDay]

Hi Someday . Are you clean now?

I can't say that I am right now. I've gone back and forth this past year after being clean for a couple months. If I can have a few strong weeks at work and get caught up somewhat, i'm going to give it another attempt hopefully next weekend.

[shadowwally]

Day 11 , yesterday was a good day all in all . But I still think about all that has happened over the last seven years . I know it will take a month or two to stop constantly thinking about what has just happened. Ten or eleven days clean is not long enough to heal ALL the damage done. Habits like I had take months not days to change. But I am determined to stay off opiates . All I have now is the cravings and a small amount of anxiety . I try to stay busy and get out as much as I can. Good luck to all here that are struggling .

Hey flats.....
It's been over a year clean for me and I'm still learning and healing. I'm pretty sure that's just plain life on life's terms.
You are doing great! Keep it up!
Marian