Finally Done!!!

[angela30]

Ryan,
I'm glad you're doing so well. All of your posts give me hope as well! I'm a little shaky at the moment, and have had a constant headache, but all right.

The drug, Lexapro, that I'm on is an antidepressant. And it DOES lower your sex drive. And dull the good feelings. Not as bad as the awful no-climax deal on opiates, but I've noticed. I used to bug my husband for sex constantly, but haven't in the last year. He's noticed as well. My advice, from my own experience, is to give yourself some time to heal before you get on anything else. Antidepressants can be just as addictive, physically and mentally, as other drugs. My old, amazing doc told me that Lexapro is one of the best and newest drugs. This is the only thing I regret starting with him. All of his other advice had been sound, but they just don't do long-term research on so many new pills. Check around this forum for other drug topics and you'll find that people trying to get off anti-ds are having some god-awful times. I know I have to taper off this one too.

You will start feeling even better, I promise. I've gone thru secondary withdrawals while on Suboxone and antidepressants AND Klonopin. Our brains do have the capacity to heal. It just seems like every 3 mos or so since I got into recovery, I hit some sort of wall. But I've done lots of research and been around others with the same amt. of clean time, and they all go thru it as well. One of my best friends in NA has about a week different clean date and we always felt very similar at the same times. And getting thru those walls without using is great! Every time you use, your brain goes right back to where you left off during active addiction. No matter how little you use and no matter how much time it's been since you used. So, don't do it! I know you'll be fine.

It can seriously take months clean before things start working properly. I couldn't stop lying for over a year. I couldn't lie to save my life before opiates. The fog just keeps lifting.

I honestly recommend that you give NA a shot before any sort of new meds or therapy. I found out that I got all I needed and more from meetings and the people I met there. You still get 1 on 1 time before and after meetings. Someone will come and say hi and probably hug you. Get phone numbers and a sponsor.

If you really think you need or just want the medical help, then don't hesitate. I'm pretty biased now after the awful new meds I tried, but I do know that you'll probably want to get off the anti-ds one day after you start taking them. And they're supposed to make you gain weight. I'm 5'8" and have been between 110 and 125 for the past ten years, so I guess I got lucky. I don't know if the weight matters to you, but it's another thing to consider. Just do your research. You can do it all here or anywhere else. And ask the doc about time on meds, withdrawals, etc. Then check out whatever answer the doc gives you. They hand out anti-ds like candy, and new ones come out daily it seems.

Sorry about the lecture, but I just want you to know that it does get better and better. It gets really, really hard at times too. But having a good support system helps, like this forum. And I hope for the best for you. I know I jumped on your thread here, but I'm new to forums like this and wasn't sure how to start. But I'm glad I did. I view you as a comrade-in-arms at the very least, and am glad to be here with you.

You are doing GREAT, Ryan!

[dago77]

Angela, im just chillin today, so ive been on here for a while. Thanks for responding. I think I told you im 31? Well, I worked construction for years and was engaged to a girl I dated for like 8yrs. I was engaged the last 2yr. Anyway I use to work out everyday, basically I was a gym rat, and worked alot. I still to this day have best friends that compete in body building. I did take them then but not everyday, and I wasnt really hooked at that point. I was in great shape, had nice things.Basically that was the happiest ive been as far as I can remember. Well then I got into the Real Estate Biz, and thats when things started to unravel. The pills where everyday, I mean, basically I was driving around in a covette viced outta my head, all juiced up, and not even really coming home at night. The poor girl I was engaged to was still at home cooking me dinner, making sure everything was perfect at home. I was not even around, and when I was, I was not mentally. So she finally left me, and thats when things got real bad. Time went by and I got up to around 10 a day. Well, thats when my buddy finally threw me in the car and said, dude your going to get cleaned up. After the sub intro and all that, they told me my liver enzymes were pretty high. (I forgot to tell u I was taking anabolic steroids ) and still working out through the last few months up to the detox. I also forgot to tell you that there were other women involved before she left me. I pretty much turned into a monster. So I quit working out, was clean, and fell into pretty bad depression. Also, I began having these bad pains in my side and right where your liver would be. Well, this went on for months. I was pretty much convinced that my liver was shot! Until I went back to the doc, and the liver test came back normal. But the pains never went away, I mean if I would eat it would kill. I thought my liver could not digest the food, then I thought it was my galbladder. U name it, I thought it was everything! I probally went to the doctor 5 times for this, had catscans, mri, scope, all of it. Some times I would go back and forth, thinking how could my liver be that damaged? I wasnt taking huge amounts of anything, and i was in my 20's, and a healthy dude. Well long story short, I got back on the pills in time, even though I thought I was dying. Thats how sick this stuff is! But at the time I was so depressed I did not even care because I lost so much it didnt matter. I did get back together with my girl for about a year, on vics the whole time, then we split again. So basically, I had to go through all the depression all over again!!! There were periods where I went clean for a few months at time, but I always went back. So I finally found a good doctor who listen to what I was telling him, not very friendly, but he was a liver specialist. He asked me some questions, ran some tests, within one hour, he told me you have nothing wrong with you. Its stress from worring about everything, and probally a lot to do with abusing pain meds. I swear, when I walked out of there the pain was completley gone!!! Hahaha I know this sounds so crazy! And he also said, that the digestive system can get weird when your stressed, depressed, and all that. So basically this stuff was all in my head, and I lived for a few years thinking Iwas going to die! I mean I have a not on my back where I tore a muscle in the gym, and my girlfriend would rub my back, and I would be like, oh I can feel that in my liver I swear!!! Because I read on the internet all kinds of stuff about your back hurts when your liver is jacked. And I use to run to the bathroom every hour to c if my eyes were turning yellow!!! haha So after that i got off the pills, had a few more bouts with them, found a new chic, and here I am. well I do feel alittle pain in my side again the last two days. I know thats what happens when im stressed and depressed. Ive never really got over all the stuff that happend. Like I said before, I think it started as a buzz, and then i used it to take me out of the depression of evrything that happend. There was a time I went to a out patient program on my own for a few days. When I went, I was already about 30 days clean. At the time I had no insurance, and it was free through the county I owned a rental in. I went to a group meeting 1 time!!! It was a bunch of 18yr old kids who got popped for under age drinking. I never went back. Few months later, back to vics. So things have been real hard around Detroit the last year or so. I do have some good things going on at the moment. But I still find it hard to get motivated to do anything. Like today!!! Also, when I did the out patient 1 on 1. The lady thought I needed to c a doc about depression and not being able to sleep well. This guy wrote me a script within 5 min, for a whole bottle of klonopin, and a script for wellbutrin. I through one out, and ate the other! ha So im thinkin maybe I should of gave it a shot. Maybe this will help you get why I think I need something. You tell me! Ryan

[dago77]

Where is everyone????

[the pillfree life]

Dago (Ryan),

One thing I learned about this site is that there is always someone there...they may not be posting, but someone is always reading and learning and being touched by your posts. I often read them and do not post because I know Robert or someone with more experience can provide better guidance and advice.

I have been checking on you and Angela and I am really pround and encouraged by our progress. I am somewhere between Week 5 and 6 of being clean, and it does get better, but it also remains a struggle.

Hang in there, we are rooting for both of you.

[angela30]

Well, I've been up since 3:30 this morning, but I feel great today! Just a little chilly and the clonidine patch has been itching like crazy, but it's not causing a rash or anything, so I'll deal with that. Yesterday I felt yucky as soon as I woke up. I don't even have that awful headache! (Knock on wood) Yesterday evening was kinda bad. Mostly just extreme fatigue. I had to muster up enough energy to get off the couch and pee for about an hour before I finally got up. This is so up and down. The great part is, every "up" is better than the last! I talked to a friend who got off Sub last year and she said after the ********py part, it was like seeing in color again. That's how I feel right now. And it's warm but rainy out today. I got in a little sunshine yesterday. It was nice.

I only took 15mg of Lexapro again last night. Gonna keep that up for a week or so and see how I feel.

Ryan, you and I seem to have a few things in common. Like I said, I just turned 30. I also discovered opiates at 22. I had one percocet, then, a month or so later, started snorting Oxys. I had already been into cocaine, XTC, and lots of booze by then. I started drinking when I was 11, when my dad died. Started on pot, mushrooms, LSD and heavy drinking at 14, then stopped everything from 16 to 19. Moved to college, met some new people, "discovered" new, harder drugs, and became an alcoholic. Once I started the oxys, that was it. I was never off for more than a day or two for about four years. No vicodins, percs, any of those. Just Oxys, morphine, K-4s, etc. I would only buy something I could crush up and snort.

Then, some heroin rolled into town. I shot that and started shooting everything I could get my hands on, including cocaine and crack. I woke up to IV speedballs every day. This whole time, I was with the same guy. We started dating right when I turned 20. By 26, I was shooting 120-300mgs oxys a day plus 2 grams or so of coke. I was lying to my boyfriend, staying out 'til 3 or 5 or 9 AM every nite. Treated him like ********. Would get home, we'd argue, cry, I'd promise never to do it again, but, next night, same s@#t.

In March of 2005, I was in the worst hell of my life. I never could quit at all. I finally called an aunt an uncle in New Orleans(my hometown) and asked for help. I got there May 1st, 2005 on a bus and tried to stay clean. I was on Suboxone by then, but had only used it when I was dope sick. I started drinking and kept working in restaurants and bars. They kicked me out. I broke up with my boyfriend over the phone after I'd been in NOLA one month. We'd been together for almost 7 years.

I started dating a new guy in July, and we ended up evacuating together. That worked out so well we got married and have been for over 3 years now. We ended up in Memphis and I got a job at another restaurant/bar. Only drank for about 8 mos, then started buying crack and other ******** from customers. On our first year anniversary, I lied to my husband and went out to get high. He came outside and asked what I was doing. It was obvious to me, so I told him I was smoking crack on the back porch. Ugh! He told me to quit my job, took away my keys and access to money. I've always done whatever I wanted, but this time I knew he was right.

I went to an outpatient program too. Got a great doc and therapist. My therapist kept pushing NA, and I finally started going the last week of therapy. Been in ever since. Had a few relapses at the beginning and kept drinking. Then stayed clean 4 mos. Last relapse was the heroin episode on April 25th, 2007. I haven't used since. I've wanted to, even TRIED to, but didn't. The relapse was what made me see that there are no part-time junkies. I finally realized I couldn't use successfully. Two days before I used heroin, I was at the dentist and had a few cavities filled. The next day my mouth was sore, so I bought one of those airplane bottles of bourbon. I hadn't had a drink in 4 mos, but I didn't feel anything from the booze. So, the next day I bought heroin.

This is what made me see that I couldn't be "normal" and just have that one glass of wine with dinner or whatever. "Normal" people do NOT shoot dope if a drink doesn't do it. I almost lost my husband, who is not an addict, several times. He knew I was an addict, but neither of us knew what to expect in recovery. It was really hard on both of us. But things got better, I regained his trust, and worked hard at recovery and staying clean. He let me take a little over a year off work, then I got a job at a bookstore-I'd be a billionaire if they'd pay people to read. I knew I had to stay away from the service industry to stay clean. I still can't go to shows or clubs, not like I did too much of that while on opiates. Being a junkie is a private thing, ya know?

Now we're out of Memphis and away from all the bad ********. Things just keep getting better here. He's helped me and continues to do so throughout this whole w/d business. He never gets tired or impatient. He's my angel. I am so grateful for him every day and so glad we could work thru the tough times and stay together. I couldn't imagine a better partner in life.

I know this is long, but I felt like getting my story out. Ryan, you've shared much of yours, and I'm glad you did.

Ryan, even after reading your last post, I still say give it some time before you try anti-ds. You said you were just off steroids when your counseller suggested meds. I had a dealer (and boss) who was on steroids (and everything else) and he said he could understand PMS. That ******** really unbalances your hormones. So do all drugs.

I have a hard time getting out of bed some days on Lexapro. I believe that real mental health is having a full range of emotions. This includes some minor depression. When people are mentally healthy, they can deal with all of this. As addicts, there's a really good chance that we're not able to deal with bad times or even good times. There have been beautiful days when I was so happy and content, gardening and listening to my favorite music, everything going great, when I wanted to use. When we used, we did it no matter how good or bad the day was. Those cravings happen. At ANY time. Getting thru them has made me stronger. Each time I get that urge and don't use, I get better. I've felt myself getting better the longer I've been clean.

And now I feel myself getting better off Subs. And anti-ds. Still may take a while, but I'll get better.

And, Ryan, all of that S#$%t we did on drugs is over with. History. We don't have to go there ever again. I don't feel guilty for most of the things I did. That will only bring me down and not make anything better. All I can do now is be a "good girl" and stay clean and get on with my life. We can't change the past; we can only do whatever we need to do TODAY. That's all we're guaranteed. I know how haunting the past can be. My dad's been dead for 18 years and I still cry. My mom's a schizophrenic alcoholic who won't take her meds, see a shrink, or quit drinking. But I can't change any of this. It's out of my hands, just like all the awful things I did to get high. I'm just doing the best I can now. And finding out I'm better at it than I thought I would be!

If you're into reading, I have a great recommendation. Buy or check out a copy of "Cracked" by Dr. Drew Pinskey, the guy from Loveline. It is the best book I've ever read on addiction. It's an easy read, but chock full of info. It helped me understand the way drugs changed my body and brain. It's really, really helpful for me to know as much as I can about whatever I'm dealing with. And he works at a detox/rehab clinic and has some amazing stories and insights. I bought a copy for Will, my husband, and one for my old doc. They both thought it was great.

I can't tell you whether or not to get on anti-ds or to see a therapist or anything like that, Ryan. You have to do what's best and right for you. We're all addicts, but we're all different. That's why we keep posting. We can help each other. So, I'm sticking with my earlier advice-give it a few months, then see how you feel. That's what I'm going to do now. I'm getting off all the meds, but am open to reevaluation in the future. First, I want to see what my brain's capable of doing on its own. But that's me. You do whatever you need to do. Just remember not to use. lol I think you may have that one down.

Keep up the great work, buddy. I'm totally cheering you on here and am really proud of you. YOU are an inspiration now. How great is that?!!

Later on.
A

[dago77]

...Hey pfl, thanks for the comments! I know there are people out there. I remember there were 650 views the other day, now its around 700. So thats cool,im really glad other people are getting something out of this, besides Angela and I. Ill be back on later, I gotta get up and get something done!!!! It seems like I had more energy a few days ago, maybe it was the sub? Its day, I dont even remember at this point. I just know im not on anything! Im not really craving a pill, but I am craving energy for sure! Im 99% sure I need to get my ass back to the gym.Like I said before, last time I detoxed I was running a few miles in the morning, weight training at night. It made it a lot easier. Also, I went back and read all your posts. Thats great man, keep it up!!! You are a few weeks out in front of us, so we need you to be the example of staying clean!!!

...Angela, ive partied myself for a long time also. That was just half the story. Thank god I was able to walk away from all the other stuff, mushrooms, lsd, a lot of coce, and alcohal of course. You know, I remember one time we hit all the clubs in the D, went to a dope house that my buddy knew of to get some coke, he came back w a bag of herion. That was the best buzz I ever had. Only did one line. I really only knew it was the same type of feeling as the pain meds till not long ago. The good news is, I never touched any of that other stuff again. Well, once I found the pain meds, that was it. Anyway, I know this sounds bad but I took a small peice of sub about an hour ago and feel good. I need to get some stuff done. It bothers me thats what I needed to get the energy. But I need to take advantage of for today anyway. But you can understand why I would be pissed. The goal is to not have to depend on anything. Maybe I should of stayed on the subs everyday for a full week or two.? I mean im fine mentally and physically, Im just dragging. Maybe Im just being to easy on myself, by allowing myself to just sit around. Again, I think I know the answers to my questions. I think I just need someone to lite a fire under my ass!!! I do operate a lot better under a structured enviorment, always have. Even when it comes to sleeping, if im not woking a lot, ill get into a pattern where im wide awake at 4am and sleep until noon. I guess it all comes down to me! I am no where near even close to ever taking a pill again, EVER! So if anyone would like to set me strait and lite the fire, feel free!!! Ill be back on later.

Thx Ryan

[dago77]

Angela, Robert, MM, anyone im going to give you the exact situation. Off vics 11 days, used the sub for first 3 days straight. Used it again a day or 2 just when I felt bad in between day3 and today. They where all mornig doses about a half of .25, very small peice. Today I took the same and felt real good the first few hours. By early evening I felt dizzy and almost sick to my stomach. And now its 1145 and I feel like complete ********. I know how u guys recomend taking it from the beginning, ive read a lot of posts. I was taking it just to avoid the first few bad days. The wd stuck around longer than I thought for being on such a small amount of loratab this round. So I took the sub on and off after the first few days, only when I felt bad. And now im feeling pretty tough. I think maybe im getting messed up with all the long half life stuff? I know I should of just bit it and went ct. And thats probally what your gonna tell me to do. Im just trying to get back as quick as I can and just use the subs when I need them. My girlfriend is driving me crazy, and I just want to tell the girl I feel like ******** and to go home! Thank god she just went to bed. Im not in any way thinking of taking a pill at all I just want to figure out what happend? Should I take more, stop, or what I need to do? Maybe I still feel a little bad from the vics I dont know. It just seems like its sticking around a lot longer than usual. Maybe im expecting to much to fast this time? I did have a glass of wine with her a few hours ago, I took the sub early afternoon. Maybe its that, I dont know? Ill probally feel better in the AM.

Thx Ry

[Robert_325]

Ryan .... It's difficult for me to tell you what to expect when you do things differently than what I suggest. I just don't know what to expect other ways. As far as your girlfriend goes, I can only deal with one girlfriend at a time and mine has my hands full. Good luck and God bless.

[dago77]

...Hey Robert, I completley understand. I feel much better today. I think im pretty much out of the woods with the w/d at this point. Like I mentioned I think the long half life was catching up to and I was expecting to pretty much be done with the opiate wd. The good news is I will never have to go through any of this again. It was just a bit strange that last night was such a bad one so far in to this.

As for the girlfriends, we know they can be a handfull! Sounds like you have a good one and have everything under control! Congradulations again, that is a real cool story!

Thx Ryan

[dago77]

....Angela, I hope you are doing well! I hope everyone else is also. I added up and im at 15 days clean today!

Ryan

[dago77]

Angela....are you out there?????

[melinda7.5]

Hi Dago
I just wanted to check on you and see how its going...
I see you out there helping other people allready...
that's really cool
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[dago77]

...Hi Melinda, I am doing well! Im staying focused, if something comes up I just block it out and keep going! I really feel like I got to the bottom of why the hell I kept going back to the pills. What I came up with is really not a good enough excuse anymore. How ever long this takes to feel like I did years ago is worth the wait for me. My mind is made up and im never going back! Haha the guilt alone would kill me!! Thanks for asking Melinda you're awesome and you, Robert, really everyone on here have had a very big impact on me makin it! You may not know that, but you all did! I wonder what happend to Angela? I know she was going through a lot. She was so comitted, I hope she is doing well.

....Yeah ive been posting a little. I wonder were some of the others went? I really like all the posts. I told myself when i was toughing it, I was gonna stay around because finding this place helped me so much! Im not going anywhere, I cant wait to be posting telling you I have 1 yr clean!!! Best ive ever felt!!!

Thx Ryan

[caughtagain]

Here it is Ryan, welcome back my friend. Reid

[dago77]

Here it is Ryan, welcome back my friend. Reid

Yessssirr Reid Man! I'm gonna start a new one now!

[caughtagain]

you should just add to this one.