Hi. My name is Nicki, I'm 30 years old and have two children, a 10 year old daughter and 2 year old son. I was married for 7 years before my first husband (father of my daughter) left me for his secretary whom was 20 years my senior (he was 10 years older than me). To my surprise, the man of my dreams had been under my nose since middle school. It just took us until 3 years ago to find that out. Now I am remarried and have a son with him.
I grew up around drugs and did my fair share of trying them. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad loved his nose candy. At 6 years old, my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer and died 2 years later. My dad took off with his girlfriend at the time and left my little brother and I on my grandmother's doorstep.
For a year I didn't speak to anyone except my best friend, Mike whom was a year older than me. He ended up raping me. I didn't tell anyone until I was 14. Then I was called a slut.
Before my mom got sick, she had already had my brother and I involved in softball and bowling, which I stuck with throughout my life into my late twenties, adding marching band, track and field and basketball on top of that.
In the 6th grade, I made it half way through the year before my dad showed up out of nowhere and took my brother and I back to live out in the country with his new girlfriend's family. They consisted of alcoholics, drug addicts and child molesters (a family of 13). My brother and I shared a storage closet and kept the door deadbolted from the inside to keep them out. They would often knock on the door in the middle of the night trying to get us to let them in.
That summer, my brother broke a window out of an abandoned car in the backyard and was threatened by one of the live-ins. I lost my mind and went at her. I wanted to kill her, but instead our family was kicked out. I couldn't be happier for my strength in that moment.
My Dad moved us back to the inner city. We lived next to a transvestite on one side, a couple that was constantly beating each other on the other and my dad and his girlfriend's supplier across the street. My mom was cuban and my dad white and we were nestled in a latino neighborhood. Because my skin is lighter than it "should" be, I was constantly threatened and beaten up for it by the other latino kids in the neighborhood.
We were there for two years before my dad moved us (because a man died on our front steps..bled to death from a gunshot wound) to a nice neighborhood. He had quit doing hard drugs and started on perscription drug abuse. I was now 14 and starting high school.
I had two friends. Karen (whom was a foster kid from the same city I was from) and Lisa (who's 20 year old boyfriend shot himself in the head in front of her). I had my first real boyfriend then too and my first miscarriage. It was then that I told my (now) step-mother about my rape and was deemed a slut ever after. I ran away from home the first time. One day later, I was found.
That summer, we moved back into the same abusive place we were kicked out of. This time, we had the whole basement to ourselves which had 3 bedrooms, a living room, kitchen and bathroom. I had already started drinking that summer.
I had been told about my real grandfather whom was deported back to cuba after knocking up my grandmother. Another grandfather whom was in prison for life for murder, and then the grandfather that I thought was my grandfather, the alcoholic that was a high school drop out.
Now in high school in the country town, drugs were plenty. I smoked pot, dopestick, dropped a lot of acid, did a little speed..anything to pass the time in my personal prison. My step mother hadn't let me out of my room since I was 14 (except to go to school) because of my indescression. It didn't stop me from having a nice unprotected sex life. I just skipped school instead.
My current husband was off doing that and more on his side of the school with his circle of friends. We didn't know each other really then, even though we only lived about a mile from each other.
At 17, I had already been cutting for a year and attempted my third suicide. My step-mother started stuffing
elavils and vicodins down my throat. I had won a writing contest and the school paid for me to go to a college of my choice for the summer. I was told I couldn't go.
That night, I attacked my step-mother and almost killed her. My dad got in the way and took the brunt of the beating. I was blacked out. When I came to, there was hair and blood and screaming. My dad was on the floor and I was standing over him. I went to college the next day.
At college, I detoxed b/c I had no access to any drugs or alcohol and felt great. I had so many friends. It was the best experience of my life. Then I went home. I was home for one day and my dad's wife left him. He tried to commit suicide in front of my brother. I saved his worthless ass and took him to the ER to have his stomach pumped. He was hospitalized for two weeks before coming home to a baby-proofed house.
Then he started dating the woman that threatened to hurt my brother..the reason we were kicked out the first time. She had a little boy whom is a bi-polar skitzophrenic with ADHD and severe food allergies. I related well with the little boy and took care of him, teaching him how to write and talk, along with my baby brother (only a year younger, but mentally, stuck in the age when our mom died).
Finally, I turned 18. I moved out, dropped out of school and lived on the street. I was back on drugs, drinking and sleeping with anyone that would give me a place to sleep for the night or a hot shower. I was working 2 full time jobs to support my drug habits.
My first husband found me then. He brought me into his home, cleaned me up, got me pregnant for the eighth time (which was my first live birth pregnancy) and turned me into his personal slave. Only if I was really good would I even get a touch of his hand to my cheek. We slept in separate rooms, didn't talk. I worked and supported our home (clean and sober) for 6 years. After year six, I started drinking again, and sleeping around on him.
During marriage counceling, I found out about his sexual problems and why our sex life was only of a violent nature and far and inbetween. After he aired his problems, he left me for his secretary whom he'd already been seeing.
I tried to commit suicide again.
My six year old daughter called my brother to come save me. He, and his two best friends moved in to take care of me. They made me go to counceling, get through the custody battle and sat with me 24/7 for suicide watch.
One became my best friend, the other a boyfriend for another year. I was still drinking. I left that part out of counceling. I remained an alcoholic, losing my job, my house, my boyfriend..it was just my daughter and I and we moved in with my alcoholic grandfather and grandmother whom had been trying to successfully kill herself since my mom was little.
Then my best friend from high school, whom was my supplier (and ended up in a psychiatric ward after ODing on Acid) found me and we started dating. He didn't drink or do ANY drugs anymore. He had found peace in Hinduism. He helped me get my life on track and my grandfather taught me how to be a functioning alcoholic. But, my boyfriend wasn't a sexual deviant and I didn't know how to go without that, so I left him.
I changed jobs again and started back to my sports, working out everyday at the gym and playing with my daughter. I only drank at night after she had gone to bed now and would pass out. I quit eating. Every day or so I would eat a cup of soup and drank energy drinks all day long.
Finally, my grandmother kicked me out. My daughter was at her Dads for the summer and I bought a trailer from the dealer where I hung out (though I wasn't doing any drugs). Then I met my second husband.
We were drinking buddies at first. His dad had died while he was in high school of cancer and he had abused every drug under the sun...waaay more than me. At 23, he had a heart attack (which was 3 years earlier then) caused from a blood clot. It seriously weakened his heart. He had just gotten out of a bad relationship, had only slept with 1 person before me his whole life, had a great job, a nice place and he loved me just being me!
I already had a girlfriend at the time, but he and I got very serious. Then I got pregnant. Didn't learn did I? I told him he didn't have to hang around or anything, but he wanted to! It scared the hell out of me b/c I was afraid he would end up being like my last husband. No where near it.
Him and my girlfriend fought all the time over me. I just let them go ahead and duke it out and took care of the kids. Both of them knowing that my first live pregnancy almost killed me, they were both worried about me making it through this one. I was on bedrest again, quit drinking and smoking..and made it through.
6 months after my son was born, I was picking him up out of his crib and fell. He landed on top of me, just fine and I was trapped on the floor with him until my neighbor found me. That's when I started taking perscribed pain medication.
continued..
Fentanyl Detox, Back pain, Depression/Anx 
Thank you! 
I am SO SCREWED! 
I'm just venting. I'm at an impass...not sure what to do with this new found life..and how to deal with the pain through it. 
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