Feeling alone with this horrible addiction...

[CannotSleep]

I have been taking percocet (30 mg), about a total of 2 pills per day, or 60 mg for the past month or so. Prior to that I was prescribed vicoden 5mg/500 prior to undergoing a major rotator cuff tear (on vicodin for 6 - 7 months prior to surgery). After my surgery, which was supposed to be a very simple "clean up" procedure (my doc never did an MRI prior to surgery, thinking that because my pain level wasn't extremely high, that I couldn't possibly have a torn rotator cuff) I woke up to a huge sling and the knowledge that I had a long road of pain and physical therapy ahead of me to full recovery. My doctor's office is very strict on their policy for pain relief - they would only give me enough of a presciption to get me through 6 days at a time (5 mg doses of percocet) - the pain was excruciating and I couldn't sleep so most times I had to double up on the amount of pain meds at each does. It got harder to maintain being pain free, so of course I took more percocet. After 3 prescriptions, I was cut off completely from the pain meds, with my doctor's staff telling me "you should be fine by now". I really would love for them to have this same surgery and then, after 3 short weeks, be told "you should be fine by now". I was able to get another months' worth of vicodin from my PC doctor, who had prescribed it before, who then wouldn't prescribe it either. I understand where they were coming from now, but at the time I was in a lot of pain still. So I found a friend who could get percs (illegally of course) and I've been buying them, when I had the money, for the past 2 months. I was doing OK up until a month ago when I began needing to take 2 30 mg tablets (cut in half - 15 mg 4 times a day). I realize I have a huge problem and I don't want this burden any longer. My family knows nothing about this and I want to keep it that way - it would break their hearts to find out what's been going on. I stopped taking the percs on Thursday night (so I have been cold turkey for 3 days, going into my 4th day today). The first day was awful (that night) - I was driving home with my son in the car (luckily he was sleeping) when I was hit with the worst case of restless arm syndrome ever (I don't get the restless leg syndrome when I have withdrawal symptoms, but in my arms which is so uncomfortable). I was trying not to cry out and wake him up and trying to maintain control of the car and just get home. I managed to get home safely, tucked him into bed with me and took some Nyquil and passed out. Slept the entire night, through til 9:30 am the next day, and then had chills, shakes and jitters all day Saturday and Sunday. I cannot sleep - I spend all night long tossing and turning (my husband thinks I have the flu). When will this get better? I don't want to go to my doctor with this, because I'm afraid that they'll say "told you so". Just need some support here...I feel all alone....

[justplaindone]

I am fairly new to this board but I know what you are going through. I just quit percs last thursday so I have a little over a week in. I would like to tell you that you are almost through the worst of it. I was taking up to 25 percs per day. They were only 5 mg of opiate but I went through hell the first 3 days. Please hang in there. It does get better. I still do not feel great but most of the sweats, jitters and body aches are gone. I. like you, did not have anyone to talk to so I posted on this board. I haven't had much response but I have had just enough to help me get through this. What I found really helpful is reading other threads that were similar to mine and seeing how they progressed. They always gave me hope. Another person on this board is Ggeo and she just quit oxy's last Sunday. So I just want to let you know you are not alone.
JPD

[ARTIST658]

Cannot Sleep and JustPlainDone,

Generally, the worst of opiate withdrawal is over by the 5th day, with the toughest part hitting being days 3 and 4. So both of you should be "turning a corner" quite soon, and progressively feeling less of the withdrawal symptoms.

After the physical withdrawal passes, you are likely to find that the mental obsession and craving remains. This is where NA or AA would come in with the essential tools to overcome the mental and emotional aspects of addiction. Most addicts who relapse do so after the physical withdrawal has passed; it's the mental/emotional aspect that drives them back to using again. I hope you won't short-change your recovery by trying to do this on your own, without help. This disease of addiction is a whole lot more complex than we recognize early on.

One important note - do NOT give in to even one single pill at this point. We often try to convince ourselves that *one little pill* will take the edge off, and not make much of a difference to our recovery. That's not true. All it takes is one pill to basically re-set your recovery back to day one. Worse yet, one pill can send us right back into active addiction.

God bless,
Ruth

[CannotSleep]

I am fairly new to this board but I know what you are going through. I just quit percs last thursday so I have a little over a week in. I would like to tell you that you are almost through the worst of it. I was taking up to 25 percs per day. They were only 5 mg of opiate but I went through hell the first 3 days. Please hang in there. It does get better. I still do not feel great but most of the sweats, jitters and body aches are gone. I. like you, did not have anyone to talk to so I posted on this board. I haven't had much response but I have had just enough to help me get through this. What I found really helpful is reading other threads that were similar to mine and seeing how they progressed. They always gave me hope. Another person on this board is Ggeo and she just quit oxy's last Sunday. So I just want to let you know you are not alone.
JPD

Thanks JustPlainDone - you can't imagine (or maybe you can) how good it felt to read your post and know (even though I did KNOW logically that there were others out there suffering) someone else was going through what I'm going through. Keep up the good work, and I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel better. I woke up today after having slept most of the night last night (the first time I've slept, really, since I took my last Perc on Thursday) and felt almost human again. I actually ate lunch today and finished it.

Thanks again,
CannotSleep

[CannotSleep]

Cannot Sleep and JustPlainDone,

Generally, the worst of opiate withdrawal is over by the 5th day, with the toughest part hitting being days 3 and 4. So both of you should be "turning a corner" quite soon, and progressively feeling less of the withdrawal symptoms.

After the physical withdrawal passes, you are likely to find that the mental obsession and craving remains. This is where NA or AA would come in with the essential tools to overcome the mental and emotional aspects of addiction. Most addicts who relapse do so after the physical withdrawal has passed; it's the mental/emotional aspect that drives them back to using again. I hope you won't short-change your recovery by trying to do this on your own, without help. This disease of addiction is a whole lot more complex than we recognize early on.

One important note - do NOT give in to even one single pill at this point. We often try to convince ourselves that *one little pill* will take the edge off, and not make much of a difference to our recovery. That's not true. All it takes is one pill to basically re-set your recovery back to day one. Worse yet, one pill can send us right back into active addiction.

God bless,
Ruth

Ruth, thank you so much for your much needed advice. I had a problem, years ago, with alcohol and while I was able to beat that addiction without the help of AA (my husband knew I had that particular addiction and was my rock - he got me through it and stood by me), but I think I need to take this to a higher level.

You're absolutely right - I have had thoughts, though not frequent, enough though that worry me - "I'll just get one and it'll be ok". I KNOW that's not true, and I haven't given in to the temptation because I really hated what was happening to me and that complete loss of control. I've spoken with a cousin of mine who is active in AA for many years now and she's been so supportive and I'm going to find a local meeting near me to see if I can get some more support for this.

Thank you THANK YOU Ruth for taking the time to write back to my cry for help. God Bless You.

CannotSleep

[caughtagain]

Hi Cannotsleep.... I am glad you were able to eat some lunch... IT does get better and you just need to understand you are not alone in what you are going through. I started with an injury where I "needed" to take the pills and I ended up marrying my pills for many years.. My story is on here, but the outcome never ends well with these things... Just keep taking it one day at a time. Right now just keep treating the symptoms and as they ease up start to think about a support system so that you do not take "that just one pill"... That never works. It happened to me, thus my nickname, Caughtagain. Keep posting and use it as a journal so that you can refer to it as time goes by. I have been using this forum for almost 2 1/2 years and it flat out works! Welcome and keep up the great work..... Reid ( caughtagain)

[justplaindone]

I am so glad you wrote back. I have been posting for over a week now and this board doesn't seem very busy. I really need the support just like you do. When I first started reading this board. (reading it for a long long time.) It seemed that it was always busy and there were a lot of newcomers all the time. Since it is not like this now. I decided to not hide in the shadows and start posting to the new people. Normally I would have just kept reading without posting. I want so badly to become a success story like the others I have read. Also because this board is kinda slow I read a lot of other threads even ones that are a few years old. They can make you feel like they are in the same moment as I am. I hope that made sense.
I have tried to quit so many times and I usually don't make it very far. I am hoping and praying this time it is different. Please post your progress.
I will say that my biggest issue today is energy. I am forcing myself to walk everyday, clean house and play with my grandkids. I really just feel like laying on the couch and watching tv or movies. From what I have read the more you move the faster the energy comes back. I am not sleeping very well yet either but the RLS has almost disappeared. RLS and deep body aches are my WORST symptoms that usually send me back to opiates.

[kathleen5hockey]

Please just continue on the right path. You will feel better and enjoy life so much more.

[mottam]

Cannotsleep:
I could not offer you better advice then Ruth and Reid have given you.

I have relapsed twice since joining this forum and getting clean. The reason was there - "I could do this alone". Wrong! There will come a time when you will be faced with an uncontrollable urge to use. You may find yourself in a situation that you should not be in.
If you don't have those tools to use, those phone numbers to call - it can wind up going bad. This forum and NA (especially my sponsor) has saved my @$$ countless times.

Trust me, I have gone out twice and did some more "research". The w/ds get worse every time. I know that it is cliché' to say, but: We are addicts - we can NEVER be successful/social users. Not to mention - the potential legal ramifications…

Life is short - live it to the fullest - live it clean.

Best of luck.
Kindest Regards

mottam

[Liza_9789]

God bless Cannotsleep. I am watching someone I love suffer, and it's a terrible thing. Your family might be more supportive than you think. It's very hard to do this alone. You need to be surrounded by people who love you.

I will pray for you.
Liza

[justplaindone]

HEY CS
I am just checking on you seeing how today went. Hang in there!!

[CannotSleep]

Hi JPD,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, and for checking on my progress. Have been busy with other things (work, etc.) and wasn't able to check back on the forum, but glad I did today. Have been feeling a bit down the past few days, which I can imagine is only intensified by the fact that I'm withdrawing, but it doesn't help that I lost my dad (to a long, long illness) a month ago, lost a close friend's stepdad a few days ago and just feeling down in general.

BUT...my symptoms have all but gone away by today. I feel very lucky that at least in this regard I am doing ok. I was able to sleep last night, with no RLS (or in my case, RAS = restless arm syndrome) at all, and slept through the night. I haven't had the shakes at all in the last 2 days, and am not so tired either.

How are you holding up? Do you find it's working, even just a little, by pushing yourself to get up and move? I did that too and I think it helped me. Just hang in there and know that I'm praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way THAT YOU CAN DO THIS! I feel so much better about myself, and feel so much more connected to those around me now - especially my little boy, now that I've been off the percs for a little bit. Its a great feeling. Just keep taking it a day at a time - that's what I'm doing, too.

Keep posting - and I will too!
CS

[CannotSleep]

Thanks for the support Liza. I know my husband would be supportive, and would still stand by me, but I feel like I've put him through enough already, and we've had so much stress, etc., in our lives in the past 2 years, I just don't want to do that to him.

But I've made a decision that if I feel tempted to start percs again, then I will go to him and tell him I need his help/support.

I wish you all the best with your loved one and hope they get through their struggle soon.

CS

[CannotSleep]

Thanks Reid. I'm afraid of falling back into the habit, I am, but I have hope that I can beat this. I am looking into a local AA or NA (haven't found any NAs in my area unfortunately), so I can attend meetings and have others to talk to about this. The way you described it, that you started where you needed to take the pills and then ended up married to them. I felt like that's what was starting to happen to me - I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it - I'm not going to take anymore and by an hour or so later, I'd find some reason why I'd just have one...then another, etc.

I'm proud of myself though - yesterday, a "friend" who had been helping me get my pills (yeah, "friend" you say?!) contacted me asking if I was interested in some, and I flat out said no, all set - not interested anymore. They didn't push me, so I don't know if I might have been tempted further, but it didn't bother me in the least. Definitely trying to take it one day at a time though, because every once in a while the thought sneaks up on me..."just one won't hurt".

Thanks for the support Reid.
CS

[CannotSleep]

Mottam - thank you for your support. And you're right, once an addict, always an addict. And I KNOW that, and still I let myself fall under the "wagon" again. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time - seems like the symptoms have pretty much gone away now, and (knock on wood) I'll be able to continue getting a good nights' sleep going forward (the last 2 nights were the first time I've slept all the way through in about a week).

I'm working on the support now - having trouble finding NA near me, but am amazed by the support offered here - it's keeping me grounded, to say the least.

CS

[justplaindone]

Mottam - thank you for your support. And you're right, once an addict, always an addict. And I KNOW that, and still I let myself fall under the "wagon" again. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time - seems like the symptoms have pretty much gone away now, and (knock on wood) I'll be able to continue getting a good nights' sleep going forward (the last 2 nights were the first time I've slept all the way through in about a week).

I'm working on the support now - having trouble finding NA near me, but am amazed by the support offered here - it's keeping me grounded, to say the least.

CS

Hi there, How are you doing today. I haven't been posting but I have been reading. I am 2 weeks and 2 days and I am still not sleeping. I am doing okay other than that. Still lethargic which I am trying to force my way through. I am almost envious of your sleeping. Please post and give an update on how you are doing.

[ClassiqueMom]

... I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it - I'm not going to take anymore and by an hour or so later, I'd find some reason why I'd just have one...then another, etc.

I'm proud of myself though - yesterday, a "friend" who had been helping me get my pills (yeah, "friend" you say?!) contacted me asking if I was interested in some, and I flat out said no, all set - not interested anymore. They didn't push me, so I don't know if I might have been tempted further, but it didn't bother me in the least. Definitely trying to take it one day at a time though, because every once in a while the thought sneaks up on me..."just one won't hurt".

CS

But I've made a decision that if I feel tempted to start percs again, then I will go to him and tell him I need his help/support.

I wish you all the best with your loved one and hope they get through their struggle soon.

CS

dear cannot sleep.. i'm proud of you too..
this is for you and alllll the others here, who need it..