Feeling alone during Husband's Addiction and now Recovery.

[TiredandLonely]

A little background. I found out six weeks ago from a family member that my once very successful husband was using drugs. At first I was shocked, but at the same time it was like a key that finally opened a lock. For over a year and a half my husband's one very successful business was suddenly going completely down the tubes. He blamed the recession which made a lot of sense at the time. I had worked for the business for close to 17 years doing the books, payroll and tax requirements. Suddenly, last August, he stopped allowing me to do the books. I was so sick of fighting with him that I just stopped asking and stepped away from the business. He was constantly telling me that people owed him money and were not paying. I decided to get a part-time job to help out. We have four beautiful daughters who were devastated that I had to take a job after being a stay at home mom for over 15 years leaving them home alone while we both worked. The only difference was is that I was the only one putting money in the bank.

I shared my frustration with everyone in my family. I thought he was just depressed, but he refused to get help. I was at the point that I was planning on divorcing him, when my sister called me and told about the drug use. It seems that after my sister told me what she had heard, I found out that half of my family, his best friend, and numerous people had been hearing rumors, but no one wanted to tell me. So not only was I completely shattered, but now I find out that no one had the decency to tell me. I feel betrayed by the people I should trust most in the world my mother and husband of 18 years. My sister told me the day she found and she was afraid I would be mad at her, but I thanked her for having the guts to tell me.

My mortgage is now 2 months behind, creditors are ringing my phone off the hook and my personal checking account had a levy placed on it yesterday due to a lawsuit my husband lost last September and was suppose to be making payments, but obviously was not. So now the money I was hiding from him has been taken out of our checking account over $2,000.00.

Today, my husband is now clean 5 weeks, attends NA Meeting 2 nights a week, sees Psychiatrist once every 2 weeks who specializes in addiction. He took a job working for a friend this week so he can make money without the pressure of running his own business. I know he is doing all of the right things, but after losing him to his addiction for close to two years and now his recovery, I feel very lonely. I have been like single parent for the past two years and now between his working for someone else and coming home and leaving for his meetings I feel like I am on the bottom of his priority list. I really miss the life we had built together over the past 20 years. We use to be this great family and now it feels like all of that has been taken away because of his addiction. I lost my husband, best-friend, the father of my children (who adored him and now are left hurt and confused), our business, possibly my home of 17 years. I feel so alone and all I do it cry. This person I have spent 20 years of my life with is a complete stranger to me. When I try to tell him how I feel, he seems to get very angry and does not want to discuss my feeling at all. He thinks it is all about money, but it is not. I never would have imagine this man I married 18 years ago and adored could do something like this to our family. Sorry for going on, I just need to get these feelings out.

[mommy4ever]

Dear TiredandLonely,

Reading your story truly touches so many nerves. So many of the things you have gone through mirror my own story. You can look up my threads and read if you want the whole story.

I finally, because to not do so would have put me and my four beautiful, wonderful, amazing children out on the street, moved my children and myself out. It has been four months now. My husband's promise to me was that he would get better that he would get treatment, go to therapy....anything to get clean and get his family back. Well not one thing has been done and I am afraid that he is totally gone off the deep end. Is it my fault because I left...I don't think so, but the guilt is there. This past week he has gone totally pyscho on me.....sends me the strangest text messages, questions my every move...I even think he is stalking me. It's like since I left he has become obsessed with me. It scares me and makes me angry!! Hello....I'm in this position because of what YOU did!

I tried a million times over before leaving to help him...but I guessed I never fully realized that it was not something I could do for him, and it was never something he really wanted....If he wants it now it's just because he wants me and the kids back. I don't know if he get's clean I could ever go back. Like you I gave him four beautiful children, helped support our family through our whole 22 years of being married and kept myself up and attractive for him.

I don't know what to tell you other than take care of yourself and your kids....find joy in them. I'm trying to build a new life and maybe you won't have to do that...sounds like he is at least doing something...and that's good. I understand how hard it is to trust anything after what you have been through. My heart goes out to you!

If you need a friend, you got one.

mommy4ever

[keepmewherethelightis]

TiredandLonely,

Reading your story makes me hurt so badly for you. Unfortunately, I am on the other side of the story. I am struggling with addiction, and I was the one who got my family behind on almost six months of house payments, and put us into a very bad financial situation. My husband lost his job, and I was struggling with suddenly being the only breadwinner in the family. That combined with a few other traumatic situations, and my overly addictive personality, all joined forces in my brain, and I started turning to pills for relief. I was able to drown out the stress I felt and pretend that life was normal, that I could get us back on track, when I was using. We're slowly digging ourselves out - and thankfully, my husband has stood by me. It certainly hasn't been easy - in fact, I would say that at times it's been sheer hell, but one day at a time is all we can. I'm so sorry for the loss/grief you are feeling. It sounds as though your husband is on the right path to recovery, and I hope for his sake, and yours & your children's, that he sticks it out and stays clean. It's hard to face reality when your brain is muddled by drugs. It almost feels as though you're living someone else's life.

I am thinking of you - and hoping that you find some peace soon. I hope this forum, and the responses you get, will help you with the fact that you are NOT alone.

[Exhausted]

I read this earlier today and wanted to comment but decided to think about it some first. I am not sure I have the right words for you now, but I know what it is like to put your story out there and not have a bunch of replies. It almost makes you feel hopeless. I do want you to know you are NOT alone. This forum helped me a lot, but I still struggle some days. My story is also out there if you are interested in reading.

It sounds to me that he is on the right path, but the fact that he gets angry when you want to talk almost sends up a red flag for me??? I would proceed with caution and educate yourself.....and for a while, never let your guard down. I do not know you or him, so I don't know if this is "just how he is" or if something else is going on. We have similar stories, although we are just in a mountain of debt and not to the point of being behind in anything (which was a huge source of stress until we got it under control). Long story short, my husband quit cold turkey (twice) and did the meetings the 2nd time around.....things improved a lot. Then I found out he was getting Subs from a friend to keep him "from feeling like s***" ......I would have been OK with that route if he told me he needed it, but he lied for 5 months, all while going to meetings and giving advise to a third party on how to quit cold turkey and when they would feel better. I felt betrayed.

We are working things out and we have more good days than bad. I am standing by him while he tapers from the Subs (which he was not tapering before I found out) but it is not always easy. Like mommy4ever said, if you ever need a friend, you have one here too! It is something that is sometimes easier to talk to with a stranger with the same experience, than to a lifelong friend or family member that can't be objective. Best Wishes to you!

[TiredandLonely]

Thank you ladies for your replies. Believe it or not it does give me comfort knowing I am not the only one who is going through this. I felt so isolated until I found this forum. I am going to read all of your stories tonight before bed, since I don't sleep much these days.

In the beginning, I had a few cheerleaders, but as time goes by, people get on with their own life and you are left alone once again. All of your stories sadden me because you come to the realization that your life has forever changed and it doesn't matter whether you chose to stay or you eventually leave, nothing will ever be the same. I thought I hit the jackpot when I met my husband and I thought we had the perfect life with 4 smart, funny, healthy children, a successful business and a great home.

Now I am 46 years old with a part time job that doesn't even cover the grocery bill for a family of six and my life is in complete shambles. I try to stay strong for my kids, but it is all so overwhelming. My children adored my husband and now they have lost all of their respect for him. My heart breaks for them. My husband always treated me like a princess and now I seem to be struggling with all of these emotions on my own. He was my best friend for so long and he was my go to person when I had a problem and now I am completely alone and heartbroken. I wish, that I had not allowed myself to become so dependent on someone both emotionally and financially. I left a great paying job when we met, but after we had our first child we decided the business was doing well and I could work for the business so I quit my job. What a mistake that turned out to be. Now I am told that I sat home for 16 years doing nothing. I guess raising 4 children was nothing, not to mention, all of the office work. Here I go again rambling.

As I write this my husband is still working and when he comes home, he will shower, eat and go to bed. People say that I should stick it out that he deserves that much and seem to look down on me because, I don't know if I can get over the anger, betrayal, and financial ruin, not to mention my concerns about his actual recovery. I guess it is easy to give advice when your world has not been completely turned upside-down by the person that you trusted the most in this world. I feel like the person I married died over a year ago and this person I am with is a stranger. I feel like I am grieving. I told his psychiatrist that a marriage is based on mutual trust and respect neither of which my husband has shown me so why am I the bad guy for questioning if I can get past all of this.

Is it so wrong for me to want what I had and not have to settle for more questions than answers about my future. Once again ladies, thank you for all of your stories each of them are different, yet share the same pain.





. to help him with the business

[Exhausted]

Thank you ladies for your replies. Believe it or not it does give me comfort knowing I am not the only one who is going through this. I felt so isolated until I found this forum. I am going to read all of your stories tonight before bed, since I don't sleep much these days.

In the beginning, I had a few cheerleaders, but as time goes by, people get on with their own life and you are left alone once again. All of your stories sadden me because you come to the realization that your life has forever changed and it doesn't matter whether you chose to stay or you eventually leave, nothing will ever be the same. I thought I hit the jackpot when I met my husband and I thought we had the perfect life with 4 smart, funny, healthy children, a successful business and a great home.

Now I am 46 years old with a part time job that doesn't even cover the grocery bill for a family of six and my life is in complete shambles. I try to stay strong for my kids, but it is all so overwhelming. My children adored my husband and now they have lost all of their respect for him. My heart breaks for them. My husband always treated me like a princess and now I seem to be struggling with all of these emotions on my own. He was my best friend for so long and he was my go to person when I had a problem and now I am completely alone and heartbroken. I wish, that I had not allowed myself to become so dependent on someone both emotionally and financially. I left a great paying job when we met, but after we had our first child we decided the business was doing well and I could work for the business so I quit my job. What a mistake that turned out to be. Now I am told that I sat home for 16 years doing nothing. I guess raising 4 children was nothing, not to mention, all of the office work. Here I go again rambling.

As I write this my husband is still working and when he comes home, he will shower, eat and go to bed. People say that I should stick it out that he deserves that much and seem to look down on me because, I don't know if I can get over the anger, betrayal, and financial ruin, not to mention my concerns about his actual recovery. I guess it is easy to give advice when your world has not been completely turned upside-down by the person that you trusted the most in this world. I feel like the person I married died over a year ago and this person I am with is a stranger. I feel like I am grieving. I told his psychiatrist that a marriage is based on mutual trust and respect neither of which my husband has shown me so why am I the bad guy for questioning if I can get past all of this.

Is it so wrong for me to want what I had and not have to settle for more questions than answers about my future. Once again ladies, thank you for all of your stories each of them are different, yet share the same pain.





. to help him with the business

I am am in no position at this point to tell you to stay or leave, but I understand your pain, frustration, resentment, anger, etc....I have/had an AWESOME life aside from the drug abuse/lies. I only have one child who is too young to understand, so it is a little easier on me at the moment. She adores him and some days I have to compete with her for his attention (so to say). I am happy that they have such a great relationship, but have to admit, some days I am jealous. Part of me is angry because she doesn't see the ruin in life that has happened with his abuse, but I am also glad that she doesn't because it is emotionally draining. I am happy we are moving together towards recovery, but yet some days, I still feel so alone. We are happy most of the time and other days, I am skeptical about everything. I have no answers on how long it will "all" happen, everyone's situation is different. I have been told to attend Nar-Anon for help, which I would like to try, but due to work schedules, it not currently possible. I just started to read "Codependent No More" and it amazes me what I have read so far....it feels like I was quoted in the book already and I am only on Chapter 2.

Please continue to read and post. Best Wishes!

[TiredandLonely]

Exhausted, I just went back and read your first post telling your story. I felt like I was reading my own. My husband was the guy that everyone loved. People would tell me how lucky I was to have a husband like him and I always agreed. I too am a bit of a hot head and also thought that maybe alot of the crazyness was me over reacting to things. I always felt guilty after an argument because I thought maybe i was just blowing things out of proportion. I know that nobody can tell me what to do, but it just seems like most of our friends and family are now on his side and are acting like I am being unreasonable for feeling so betrayed. Maybe it is still to new and it will take me some time to see the man I married come back again. I almost forget what he was like in some ways. I tell my husband that the man I married would have kicked this guys a$$ for doing this to his family. Maybe I am afraid to put myself out there only to be hurt again. Life certainly is not easy. I thank you for your kind words and wish you and your family all the best.

[ComingHome]

TiredandLonely, don't worry about what other people think. They can't know how you feel unless they've been in your shoes. The fact is how you are feeling is normal. We see it over and over and over... again on these boards. I agree with others that attending meetings would be the best thing for both of you. It will help you put things in perspective better. If they don't have Nar-anon near you, try Alanon. They are both based on the same 12 steps, and alcoholics and addicts are basically the same, so it would be very helpful to you. Your husband's chances of getting and staying clean long term are slim to none without some kind of program such as NA or AA. Getting clean from drugs is probably the hardest thing I ever did, and staying clean requires ongoing effort. That is a good thing that he is attending meetings since it actually gives him and your relationship a chance. He needs to put his recovery first in order to stay clean, and without him staying clean, there won't be a relationship. I hope he sticks with it. Good luck.

CH