[confused983]

I have a had suspicions that my long term boyfriend (almost 9 years) has been doing drugs behind behind my back for some time now. When ever I confronted him about this he always denied it. Over the past 2 years I had become very suspicious after a good friend of mine mentioned to me that she had heard things about my boyfriend taking pain killers. At first I didn't believe it, I couldn't have imagined this we happening with out my knowledge, I mean we have been together for so long we were living together at the time (and still are, just now we own a home together). But this information raised some red flags in my head and got me thinking about things I would have normally just passed right over. So from then on I always has this in the back of my mind, some times more than others, over this time I would find little straws (or other things that appeared to have been previously rolled up), or see powder residue on things, even his behavior changed, he was always extremely tired when he got home from work (falling asleep on the couch and looking like he is "nodding out") I even remember thinking to my self "wow, if I didn't know any better I would defiantly think he was on drugs right now", well turns out now 2 years later, I didn't know better, I feel so dumb.
I talked to that same friend about 2 weeks ago and she told me that she had seen him get pain killers (oxycottin), and on one occasion do the pain killers. This friend has a substance abuse problem so it is no surprise to me that she would be around these types of things.
So before I confronted him about this again, we have this same conversation all the time and it ends up with him yelling at me about not trusting him, which is true but there are also a history and reasons for that. So I decided I'm done with this cat and mouse game, I am way to warn out, to play this "game" any longer. So I stopped at the store and picked up an at home drug test, so when I got home I told him what I had heard and said you can say all you want, but its come to the point where I need proof, either way. These are the 2 people who I care about the most and its a big he said she said match, which wasn't going anywhere. So he took the test and took off for 2 days.
Anyways I just got the results back, after swearing up and down that the only thing that would be in his system was thc, he came back positive for thc as well as oxycodone, the lab said that the level of oxycodone was 2,595, Im not sure what that means but if the test will pick up a level of 100, Im assuming 2,595 is pretty high. So when I told him what the results were he said that he had taken a 15mlg percoset(?) sometime that week and that must have been it, and he admitted that he got a few of them every so often and didnt tell me about them. I mean to me this could like a bunch of Bull he says this after he "gets caught" I mean this is probably the mildest thing he could have said, because at this point he knew he had to say something.
I would try my hardest to help him, but how can I help him if he cant even tell me the truth, I dont know if this is a trust issue I can get over but I would be willing to try maybe go through counseling after he has been sober for sometime, Im really at a loose, do I need to kick him out in order for him to feal like he's hit rock bottom? I feel like I am enabling this because Im still there even though I know in my gut, that he's lying right to my face.

[Cats Meow]

I don't know what the levels mean, but it's pretty safe to assume he took way more then 1 15mg pill "sometime a week ago", that's BS, you can bet he's a daily user, and he snorts them so that's an extra problem, and you've caught him in a lie.
We don't need to tell you what to do, do what your conscious tells you, but you can't do anything to help him until he's ready to be honest about his use and wants to do something about it. He may never stop, especially if he doesn't think he has a problem. You don't have to put up with it. Do what you have to. I guess you have to force the issue.
You have proof, can you call the lab and find out what the levels mean? Are you okay with him smoking pot?
How much did the lab analysis cost you?
Look at all the money he's wasting on drugs instead of on you. You have a lot of time invested in him, it may not pay off in the end, you don't deserve to have to live with an addict, things won't get better unless he changes, I hope you don't have kids together.

Hell hath no fury like a women scorn!

Good luck, again do what you have to, you have the power.
~Cats

[money_chick]

I called my nurse friend and asked about this- she said its possible that was a blood plasma level of the drug. She couldnt say for sure, of course, but some drug tests do measure how much of the drug is in the system.

Her point being to say that he has probably been on continuous use to have a level that high in his blood stream. I would contact the lab to know for sure.

And remember, this is speculation.

As for what to do.... no one can tell you that. You have to decide.

[confused983]

Money chick-
Thank you very much, it was actually a urine test, so I guess that makes it even worse because it wouldn't be able to be detected for nearly as long as a blood test would.

And I know I have to decide what to do but this is honestly one of the hardest things Ive ever had to deal with... I'm just kind of at a loss, I know what my gut is telling me and yet yet I'm still in denial, I want to believe him but I know in my heart being naive to the situation certainly wont make anything better.

[confused983]

Cat-
Thank you very much for your response, You are completly right, and I really just need to face the facts.
The urine test was $40.00 at the drug store, and the lab test was included in the price. They said they don't know what the levels mean (I don't know how that is but thats what they said) and at this point I guess it doesn't really matter.
No, thank god we don't have kids together. However we do own a house together that I invested a lot of money in and can not afford on my own, and we have 3 big dogs, 2 of which I will probably have to give up if i need to sell my house, no where will let me live there with 3 big dogs.
I'm keeping myself together the best I can, Im going on with life and doing all the things I normally do and all the everyday responsibilities have, and putting on a happy face, but really Im just trying not to burst out in tears all the time it feels like. I feel so betrayed, and I really don't know how to handle it, I understand addiction and the lies and all of that but what hurts me the most is there was a conscious sober decision that started all of this, and how can you do that to some one you "love", I know in my heart that this is a lost cause, but I don't know how to take it from here, especially with all the other factors involved.

[Cats Meow]

Hi Confused, I feel your sorrow, it's all so sad. Sometimes the best solution for a problem is to give it to someone else, can you talk to his parents? Maybe they can help, meanwhile, I guess, keep working on him, be honest and up front while being self assertive, try not to show any weakness, you can act like you have a course of action all worked out (even though you don't) and let him guess what it is, let him define what the ultimatum is, and make him walk the straight and narrow line, he needs to be shaken out of his comfort zone, that his actions will lead him out the front door. Hold your cards close to your chest, he doesn't need to know what you're holding, and that you're not bluffing. Please be strong, get a grip on your emotions, you can win this, he can get over his problem, but he has to know the consequences to his actions. Consider what will happen in five years if you/he don't do something now.
Hope this helps.
Cats

[Lost83]

Confused,

Welcome! You know he is lying to your face, you know he is abusing drugs, and he is not willing to admit he has a problem. Money and Cats are right, you can't do anyhting to change his behavior, he has to own up to his addiction and get help. Things will only get worse if he doesn't.

I know the tired act and nodding off look all too well, straws, dollar bills, powder on the counter, tables, etc. He is most definitely snorting oxy. My husband was doing the exact same thing. Next month will be 10 years we've been together, 3 married, I am a Mom of a 17 month old and now my husband is in rehab for 6 months because I finally threw him out several weeks ago and he relapsed while on probation and failed his drug test. Needless to say they sent him to jail until a bed opened up in rehab and a week later transferred him there.

We lost everything because of his addiction. I am currently 25, on the verge of divorce, and living with my father because he sucked us dry. Those oxy's are BAD news as you obviously know. Unless he stops this nonsense now, the disease will progress and there's no doubt that he will do anything to get his fix no matter what the cost.

Unfortunately for you until he admits he has a problem, you have very little influence on his decision to keep using unless you put your foot down and tell him to get out and not to come back until he is working on his recovery. He most likely isn't going to just stop taking these pills if he has been using them daily for sometime, he is physically addicted and will get very sick if he does that. You have to decide whether this is a cause worth fighting for. Of course a 9 year relationship is hard to walk away from emotionally, financially, all around just not something anyone wants to do. On the other hand are you willing to stand around and watch him self destruct and take you down with him? If he refuses to admit he has a problem, refuses to get help, and refuses to tell teh truth, I see no other option then to get him out quick.

I stayed with my husband when I found out becuase he admitted his problem and started his NA classes as soon as he finished detoxing. He has since relapsed, stolen from me and our family, lied, relapsed again, manipulated the hell out of me and I am no softy to get one over on. The list just goes on, the addiction goes further than just using drugs, it also comes with the lying, manipulation, deceit, selfishness, just a bunch of character defects that can't be erased by simply not using.

I am sorry you have to make such a hard decision but trust me, if you don't put your foot down now, it will get much worse. This will consume your life if you let it. Stay strong, work out a game plan as suggested, even if you don't know exactly what you are going to do, make sure he knows you won't stand back and watch him destroy his life, if that's his choice, let him do it by himself. Good luck to you confused, please keep us posted.

[SimonGF]

I'm a male addict who has done what your boyfriend is doing many times. Needless to say, it sounds bad. Silenced cellphones, mysterious calls, mysterious errands and $20,$40 or more spent on mysterious things are also bad signs. Affectionate one day distant the next is another symptom.

He probably has a way to go yet, but you need proof that he is working on his problem or it's not going to work.

Been there so I thought I would share.

[cvtldy1958]

I just wanted to tell you a few things about Oxy. I just got off it.!
Also I am a Certified Drug and Alcohol Technician!!!

He is snorting it, obviously. It costs $50 for 80mg..which is one pill. (hence u finding anything rolled up)

Look for missing money, or the lack of money. its an expensive habit!

the pill he says he took has Oxy in it..(percocet) so it shows up in a urine test, but not with levels that high!

No one will admit to their habit, until they are ready to quit, #1-its embarrassing #2-he doesnt want you to get in his business and make him quit. #3-he knows he is addicted#4-quitting involves going thru some extreme withdrawals, I know first-hand.

Levels that high, mean one thing. He just did it, and there is tons of Oxy in his system!...believe me, I do this for a living. (drug-testing that is)I work in the Med.Field. & thats how I got messed up on it..and vicodin..

Does he ever disappear? go off on quick errands? not have cash? sex-drive different? nod-off? go to bed early? seem wired?
I know the answers are 'yes'. I know the drill. I did it.

You need to tell him you know what he's doing...and if you are gonna throw him out cuz of it..do so. But its really hard to get off of. You may want to at least tell him that you are willing to go thru it with him til the end, if he is indeed ready to quit. At least give him that. Addiction is hard.

to sum things up, he is definitely on Oxy.
no more games.
tell him that, if hes not ready to quit, he will continue to lie to you..and then its up to you if you are willing to stay with him.
If you leave him, I guarantee he will get worse, cuz you aren't around, he is free to do MORE OF IT.!!!!
I personally hid my 'use' also.
good luck..great idea coming on this board.
Now you have your answers.
follow your heart...

signed
recovered....and I feel great, & I have money now.!

[confused983]

Thank you all very much, I knew something was going on but didn't know exactly what to make of it, or where to go next, you have opened my eyes to a lot of things that I wondered about, and now it all makes a little more since with every bit of information I get.

Since I posted last, I have noticed some money missing out of my bank account (he took my debit card while I was in the shower, and put it back with out me seeing) luckily I checked my account online and saw an ATM withdrawal from that morning for $120.00, which I knew I didn't take out. After seeing that I looked deeper into my account transactions and I found a charge to a chat hot line for $61.00 (not sure how this fits in to the puzzle quite yet), but I called the company got the phone number the call was made from (his cell phone #) and also got the women to reimburse my account since I was unaware of all of this. I cant really go back any further because I'm not going to know which ATM debits where mine or not because I am horrible with my check log.

I have also talked to his mother about things, which I don't really think has made much of a difference but at least someone else knows besides me. She has actually been staying with us for a week or so, this has been a trip that was planned months ago and I didn't want to create a bunch of drama for her so I decided to suck it up and see what happens if he had a little bit more time to "come clean"... but nothing has changed, he hasn't been any more truthful than before, and really, I think it was just my own way of putting off the inevitable.

All of this is so much to take in. I seriously feel like a part of me has died, while coping with all of this in the past month. I am heartbroken and somewhat lost, and on top of this stress and hurt, my dog that I have had for the past 12 years passed away unexpectedly this week.

Thanks for all your help and for listening to me vent about my issues.

[Lost83]

Confused,

First, I am so sorry to hear about your dog, I know that can be rough.

Did you confront him about the money? You aren't doing him any favors if you sweep this under the carpet. He needs to be held accountable for his actions.

I think you are absolutely right, you are putting off the enevitable by not being direct with him NOW. He will not wake up tomorrow and be ready to get clean, he hasn't suffered any major consequences so it's not likely that he is going to give up his habit without a fight. He needs to know you mean business and that he can't pull the wool over your eyes any longer. I would suggest telling him that he either gets off the drugs and into a recovery program or he gets out. It has to be that black and white. These oxy's are no joke, they take the ones we love and turn them into lying manipulative thieves. He will continue to steal from you, lie to you, eventually he may start pawning things. He could overdose, get arrested, wind up in a drug deal gone bad. These are all scenarios that are very likely to happen if he continues to travel this road. Don't allow him to take you with him. Yes it is hard to let go when one refuses to help themselves but in the end, that is the best thing you can do is allow him to suffer these consequences so that he finally realizes what he is doing is ruining his life.

If he is stealing money from you now, it's only going to get worse. Are you going to sit around and wait for him to bleed you dry? I am not trying to sound harsh but this is the reality of it. He will continue to take and take and take until there is no more to take. Then you are left in financial ruin, devastated that your companion has taken full advantage of you and you are the only one left to pick up the pieces. I tell myself time and time again, "I can do bad all by myself". I love my husband, and want my son to have the father I know he is capable of being but I can't allow his addiction to control my life.

Below is a poem I found shortly after I found out my husband was using, I used to read it every day. It helped me understand how this disease works and what it takes for the addict to finally get to the point where he or she is ready to seek out help. It's a good read, I keep a copy in my purse and when I feel like I just want to swoop in and save teh day, I read this poem and it helps me remember that there is nothing I can do to "save" him, he has to do it by himself in order to be successful. We can open the door and give them the resources but they have to choose to utilize the program.


If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion

I know this is hard but it is going to take a zero tolerance approach to show him you mean business. Let him know you love him and will stand by his side if he chooses to get help but you also have to make it clear that if he doesn't choose to get help that you cannot stand by and watch him kill himself and allow him to steal from, lie to, and manipulate you.

Please let us know how it goes.

[deleted7]

Confused, please, please - you admit you've still got a certain amount of denial; I can understand that, and I'm not criticizing you for it. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'd like to share my family's story about what they went through with, with me, when they were in denial.

As a 53 yr old female recovering addict, (I know you're both younger, but "the song remains the same") this is only part of what my family went through with me, until I went into rehab:

Lying (so many lies that I had to lie to cover up previous lies)

Manipulation (I tied my family in so many knots, about missing money, being "exhausted" when I was nodding out, blaming changes in my other meds, or my bipolar, for my behavior, and crying and yelling at them because they wouldn't support me with my psychiatric problems, and my fibromyalgia - I truly am bipolar and have fibro, but I used these as excuses for my behavior, and told them they were the bad guys for not giving poor old sick me a break)

Disappearing money (hard to keep up with excuses, but I did it!)

Running up charge cards (ordering on the internet - always Fed Ex next-day delivery! Watch out for this one; it's harder to order the hard narcotics online than it used to be, but there are ways...and drugs can also be ordered that aren't technically "narcotics" but they can "help" an addict if they can't get their drug of choice. If you have debit or credit cards, watch for unexplained transactions, or transactions with suspicious payee names.)

My behavior (my family, like you, knew what was going on for quite a while before it became too bad to sweep under the rug any more. One minute I was happy - that warm & fuzzy euphoria from the pills. The next minute I was irritable, antagonistic, picking fights, swearing at my husband and boys and calling them horrible names, threatening to call 911 on them for their "abuse"! Get that - I was going to call the cops on them because they were trying to calm me down or try to keep me from driving when I was either so mad or so loaded I probably could have killed someone! Everything gets so turned around when someone is actively addicted.)

Three overdoses (One of my boys had to call all the others to get them to my house, because it usually took my husband plus my three grown sons to either calm me down - which usually didn't work too well - or to divert me while one of them called 911, otherwise, I'd try to pull the phone cord out of the wall, or throw the receiver, or wrestle them away from the phone.)

Gut-wrenching fear and sadness for them all the time they knew I was using; as one of my sons said to me (while sobbing), "Ma, we never know if we're going to come in the house and find you dead!". All the horrible feelings I caused in my family (and my boys are truly my heart) - it's something they'll never forget, but I hope someday they can find a way to forgive me, and learn to trust me again, BUT...I know I have to earn their trust, and if it happens at all, it will take a long time.

The last time I was taken to the ER for an OD, while we were waiting for the paramedics/police to arrive, I was stumbling, slurring, arguing, swearing, trying to get someone to call back and cancel the emergency call, because: I was ok! (yeah, and I've got a bridge to sell ya). My middle son got his cell phone out, and filmed me for 25 minutes, some before the paramedics/cops got here, and the rest while they were trying to get me on the gurney and into the ambulance (still insisting "I'm all right! Why are you doing this to me?").

I was 2 weeks out of rehab when I decided to watch my Oscar winning performance...I don't even have the words to tell you how I felt. I couldn't believe that was me, I was pathetic, pitiful, full of shame, guilt, sick to my stomach, sick at heart...I was devastated by watching how I had been behaving for so long under the influence of a drug I thought was making me feel good! Oh, God...I can't tell you how ripped apart I felt when I thought that my wonderful family was living with that woman for years....and that woman was me! I'm so grateful that my wonderful family had stayed with me, but had finally reached the breaking point and said, "We can't go on like this. You have a pill problem. You're addicted. You've had 3 ODs and countless other drama situations which have affected us very badly. We all love you, but we hate your behavior when you're using. You have to admit you're addicted, and go for treatment immediately, or (from my boys who're still living at home) we're going to move out right away, and we won't be visiting. (From my married son) I won't be around any more. (From my husband) I don't think I can stay in this situation."

Finally. I hit bottom. I thought how my life would be if I lost everyone I loved so much, who had already put up with so much from me, and were actually trying to save my life!

I'm sorry I've gone on so long. This is my first post here, and I didn't mean to jump in like a drama queen, but, Confused...you're so young, you have so much life to live and enjoy! I'm not trying to push you into anything, but don't you think you deserve better than to be on the other side of what I just described? You seem very loving and giving - I'd be so sorry if 5, 10, or 15 years down the road, you were still living this life, totally sucked dry of every good emotion and feeling you've ever had, nothing to look forward, your self-esteem vanished, emotionally and physically exhausted, isolated from everyone (it's very hard to keep in contact with friends and relatives when you're in a relationship with an addict for many, many reasons, believe me).

From my experience, and the stories I heard while in rehab, as your boyfriend develops more and more tolerance, he'll have to use more and more. His behavior will get more bizarre and hard to tolerate, the money will disappear in larger and larger amounts, he may get extremely angry (and maybe abusive, as I did, at least verbally) if you ask him to account for vanished money, or time he can't explain, he'll probably drive while high (if he doesn't already). Addicts tend to get very nasty when they're out of their drug of choice, and start feeling sick, and can't get more; extremely nasty. Everyone has a different "bottom", and some are farther down than others.

Is there any way you can set up an "intervention" for him? Family, friends, etc., who care enough to tell him how his drug use has affected them, and how afraid they are of losing him? That's one of the things that finally got through to me: my boys saying they were afraid, every time they came in my house, that they'd find me dead. That's a real waker-upper!

Confused, I'm so, so sorry you're in this situation. I also feel sorry for your boyfriend (although it may seem I'm empathetic to the wrong person, but...how many things is he missing when he's using? He's missing you, to begin with...and your love and support...I'm sorry he's not in a place where he can realize what he's losing every day, and that he doesn't understand how he's putting your relationship in jeopardy.

I can't tell you what to do; after what I've just written, it's obvious I'm not qualified to give advice. I just want to share how ugly addiction can get for the addict, and from what my family has shared with me, how devastating it can get for the addict's loved ones (though the addict doesn't think of anyone but themselves when they're using...it's awful, but it's a fact).

I'm one of the lucky ones: my family stayed with me just long enough, and said just the right things when I was ready to hear them, that it worked out...for now. I must - must - watch myself for signs of relapse; next time, their patience might not last, and their hurt may overwhelm them; I do understand that they must think of themselves first, if I repeat my behavior, and now that I'm clean, I hope they do th;ink of themselves first. Maybe, if your boyfriend's ready, if things come together just right, the two of you might end up like my family: tons of bad memories, but a better and healing now. And for me, an even deeper belief in how special all the members of my family are, and how lucky I am to have them in my life.

Be kind to yourself, love yourself, protect yourself...sometimes baggage has to be shed, but sometimes...you have to walk through the manure to get to the flowers ;-)

[deleted7]

I'm so, so sorry! I had no idea my post was going to be so long

Please forgive me, everyone. I'll never do it again...(I can't promise, 'cause I'm "so full of words" (as my hubby puts it - he really means I have "diarrhea of the mouth - in this case, the fingers).

I really apologize.

Confused, I didn't mean to make your thread "all about me" - I'm truly sorry.

I'm concerned about you. Would you please continue to check in here? The other posters have given good advice, and they sure seem like they want to help, and they want to listen.

Let us know how you're doing, ok?

[Cats Meow]

Great post, thanks for sharing, and it wasn't too long.

[confused983]

First off, I just want to thank all of you for sharing your personal stories and advise with me, I really appreciate it! I can read all the information online and learn statistics for things but thats nothing compared to hearing real life situations from the people who have experienced what is going on in my life whether its in my shoes or my boyfriends shoes, and how you dealt with it and over came your tough times. So again thank you!

UPDATE:
A lot has happened since my last post. His mother came to visit, and told her about the situation, and about my concerns. She didn't believe it. I know where shes coming from, I didn't want to believe it either, but it is what it is. There is no more denial, which is somewhat of a relief, but at the same time now I'm struggling with different feelings.

A few days ago I found an oc 80 in my bathroom at home, and my anxiety kicked into full blow, I was shaking, I was dizzy, and I thought for sure I was going to pass out. But I didn't, I held it together. We had company at my house at this time, so I felt like I needed to. As soon as they left I confronted him. He started denying it, saying it wasn't his, someone else must have put it there, blah blah blah, obviously it was a bunch of BS. So I stood my ground, and with in minutes he broke down, he told me he didn't know how this happened and how he was so sorry, this crying and apologizing went on for about an hour or so.
He now admits he has had a problem with oxycodone for about 3 years, on and off. It started with percosets(?) 15, 20 and 30 mg's, and then progressed to oxycottin's. He sniffs them, and has been doing so for quite awhile. He said that he has tried to quit many times but when the withdrawals kick in he caves in and gets more. He said this was because of the actual sickness and the fact that "had" to hide the sickness from me, which he couldn't manage to do.

I'm trying very hard to put my issues a side (trust, respect, everything) and just help him get clean. But there is only so much I can do. I cant make his decisions for him, I cant babysit him. He has all day to do what he wants to do (I work 2 jobs and go to school). Its up to him to stop, I can do what I can to help, but I'm not sure what to do, or how I can even help him, and I certainly don't know if I'm helping him right now.

I took the oc out of his possession, on the day I found it I gave him about 1/4 of it that night, he says he had done a 1/4 of one that morning, so that 40mg's on monday, tuesday I gave him another 1/4, so thats 20mg's for the day. Then today he had to go to a court thing (not criminal and completely unrelated) so I gave him a little less than a 1/4, there is still a little bit left. Now I know this is bad and probably not what Im suposed to do, but I dont know what to do! what do we do now? I told him after this is gone there is no more, if he needs to ween himself off he can use suboxins(?) not pain killers, he doesnt think he can do it cold turkey, even though I think thats probably the best way, but I have never done this drug (thank god). I was done with "experimenting" by the time these were popular. Im very glad about that because Im pretty sure I would have done them at the time.

I have had addictions in my past and I have stopped cold turkey, but it wasn't a prescription drug, it was extecy there wasn't bad withdrawals, it was more of a get over my "love" for the effects of the drug, and stop ruining my body and my brain. Literally I would chew the hell out of the inside of my mouth every single time, to the point where I couldn't eat solid food for days after a "binder" and when the weekend rolled around Id be right back at it, this was about 10 years ago, it was when I was in high school and I haven't touched it since, and I never will because I'm afraid I would love it again... actually let me rephrase that, I know I would love it again, and thats what keeps me away from it.

Anyways.... I dont know how to help him.... I dont know how much suboxin he should be taking day to day, or how quickly you lower the dose. He isnt working right now because his work is seasonal and there is still snow on the ground so right now it the "perfect" (not a great word) for him to sit at home and be sick, with out having to go to work and do manual labor while his in pain... he keeps complaining about back pain, restlessness, wanting to jump out of his skin etc... I tell him thats normal and thats what you have to do to get better... Im not saying its not gonna suck really bad, but if he wants to give it up he has to go through it.

I also told him that I cant deal with this and I wont, I will help him as long as he want to be clean but I wont sit around and watch him use, I told him Id rather put the house up for sale and move on. There is only so much I can do and take, and I think I'm being extremely calm about all of this I mean really... he has been lying to me multiple times a day for 3 YEARS. He acquired this addiction 6 years into our relationship... and purely for recreational use! I mean ya his back might hurt or whatever, he works hard but there weren't prescriptions for this. Only once about a 2 years ago he got a script of probably 20- 5 mg vicodins, for an ear infection.

I know this is crazy long now... If you took the time to read all of this babble, thank you, I appreciate any advise you may have, or what has helped you or a loved one get off of these drugs. Also if you know about suboxin doses and how to ween off of them please let me know. He doesn't have health insurance, and this probably wont be something he goes to a doctor for, at least not yet.

We are going to see a therapist tonight who specializes in substance abuse. This is someone I contacted a few weeks ago for myself to talk with, but I think going together will be much more beneficial. He needs help, he knows he needs help and I guess this is the first step in the right direction.

[Lost83]

I just read your post, I am so sorry you have to go through this, very similar to my situation, I will post later tonight or in the morning, I am on my way out the door from work to pick up my little one, hang in there!

[Lost83]

Confused,

How did things go with the therapist? What did he/she recommend?

I agree with you that cold turkey is the best way. It's the shortest way to detox, he can use the thomas recipe to make the withdraws more tolerable. Some discomfort and suffering won't kill him and may just be enough to keep him away from these drugs.

Like you, I had no knowledge of my husbands drug use. He hid it for 2 years and when I finally found out, everything started to come together and make sense. He was also snorting these pills. He always sounded like he had a sinus infection, his phone was always on silent, he stopped giving me receipts from his debit card (because he was getting cash back), he lost over 20 lbs., he had to run out numerous times to the store and when I would offer to go with he would tell me no, he'd be right back.

If he does choose to go the suboxone route, he can get alot of good advice here if he has an adequate supply. I understand he has no health insurance but how much has he spent in the past 3 years on these pills? If he won't do this cold turkey I would say it's well worth the investment to get clean without going through withdraws. I personally have never detoxed from anything but I have watched my husband go through it and he was sick for a week and didn't start to get restful sleep for a couple weeks maybe a month. He used some supplements from the thomas recipe and xanax for the first 3 or 4 days.

It is commendable that you are standing by his side to support him in recovery and I see nothing wrong with that as long as he is willing to help himself. You cannot be the warden and watch his every move. You have alot on your plate with 2 jobs and school. Please keep us posted on his progress. Good luck!

[confused983]

Originally Posted by Lost83

Confused,

How did things go with the therapist? What did he/she recommend?

I agree with you that cold turkey is the best way. It's the shortest way to detox, he can use the thomas recipe to make the withdraws more tolerable. Some discomfort and suffering won't kill him and may just be enough to keep him away from these drugs.

Like you, I had no knowledge of my husbands drug use. He hid it for 2 years and when I finally found out, everything started to come together and make sense. He was also snorting these pills. He always sounded like he had a sinus infection, his phone was always on silent, he stopped giving me receipts from his debit card (because he was getting cash back), he lost over 20 lbs., he had to run out numerous times to the store and when I would offer to go with he would tell me no, he'd be right back.

If he does choose to go the suboxone route, he can get alot of good advice here if he has an adequate supply. I understand he has no health insurance but how much has he spent in the past 3 years on these pills? If he won't do this cold turkey I would say it's well worth the investment to get clean without going through withdraws. I personally have never detoxed from anything but I have watched my husband go through it and he was sick for a week and didn't start to get restful sleep for a couple weeks maybe a month. He used some supplements from the thomas recipe and xanax for the first 3 or 4 days.

It is commendable that you are standing by his side to support him in recovery and I see nothing wrong with that as long as he is willing to help himself. You cannot be the warden and watch his every move. You have alot on your plate with 2 jobs and school. Please keep us posted on his progress. Good luck!

Hi Lost,

Our situations are a lot alike, were even about the same age and met our men (boys, idiots, whatever you want to call them) at about the same time, even they are a lot a like. Your post is actually the reason I even posted on this site. I was on your thread for a few hours reading everything you said and all the advise given to you, and I just sat here thinking about how strong of a person you are, to be able to handle everything that has happened, and still keep going on to better your self and stand your ground, so I'm proud of you... you have been through so much pain and loss that was caused by your husband and your still holding strong! that alone is very commendable.

We come on this site to get support from people who have been there, but there are so many people that come and read the posts with out saying a word, and I hope my story can help them, like your story helped me.

UPDATE:
So... the appointment went well, we got a game plan of how to detox him. Although I read a post on here about the suboxone and it was just as informative as sitting down with the actual therapist, but I think it was a wake up call for him, I didn't say much at this session, I really just wanted him to talk and get everything out there so he could start to realize everything he has done and there for have more motivation to help himself. He was sick all day when we had the meeting, and he really didn't want to go but he knew he needed to. I wasn't about to pressure him to go even though not going would show me no effort at all, but I wanted him to make that decision and go for himself and not because I was pressuring him. He is now doing a suboxone program at home that we decided on, the first day "yesterday" he took 5 mg through out the day, and honestly he seemed like his normal self, he wasn't sick, he was playing with the dogs, and eating normally and all that. He was somewhat moody but he was vacuuming the house, and he did 3 loads of laundry, I must say I was shocked!

I decided I will not be the pill police, I don't see the point, he's going to what he wants regardless, and I just hope he makes the right decisions. I cant babysit him, I leave the amount of suboxone he should take for the day so he doesn't have to think about the math, because they are in 8mg pills. but I leave the rest of them right there. I will know if he takes more, but it needs to be up to him, he has to want to do this for it to work, and thats the bottom line. We plan on fully detoxing him in 7 days. Its good that 5mgs worked well for him on day 1 because at least thats a somewhat low place to start from, and it can be more of a subtle slope down the dosage over the next few days. According to this plan he should be off of everything by our next therapy appointment. I'm hoping for the best but I'm not counting on anything... I have a feeling I wont be counting on anything for a very long time with these trust issues.

I'm done with the BS he knows the consequence's of his actions, and he can make his decisions accordingly, its out of my hands as far as I'm concerned, I told him if he lies to me about anything, I will sell the house (I don't need anything signed by him, everything is in my name). This is his chance, he has all the help and tools he needs to kick this and if he chooses not to use that support then it will only hurt him.... of course I will be brought down too temporarily but I can get back up, I know that.

To be honest I don't even know if this relationship will work after all this is "over" but I'm dealing with this first. I am trying sooooooooo.. hard to put my resentment toward him on the back burner, but that is really hard! I told him he has lost 90% of my trust and I don't know if that will ever come back, but we'll deal with that after he's clean.

[Lost83]

confused,

I am so proud of you, that is awesome, you let him choose his path and just be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Hopefully it won't come to that but it sounds like you are ready for whatever the outcome maybe.

I have no experience with suboxone so I can't comment there but if he can detox in 7 days, that sounds good to me however, I have read many stories here where it takes longer than a week to successfully detox without any withdraw symptoms. That's an area for Robert or Musicman. Perhaps you could post to them so that your bf won't end up with one of those horrible suboxone experience stories that we hear so often. Sounds like the induction went well so that's a good start but I fear a week may not be long enough, as I said I could be wrong, just something you may want to look into.

All in all I am glad you have a game plan and are committed to sticking to it. Please keep us posted, good luck!

[confused983]

Well its been about a week since I posted last, and I'm not as confident as I was before. I am doubting everything. Anything that comes out of his mouth I doubt, I don't know what the truth is anymore, I guess I haven't for awhile. This is crazy how can you be in a relationship with someone you have no trust in, I just don't know.
We got into a huge fight last week, or should I say he picked a big fight with me, freaking out acting like a psycho. I don't know if it was the withdrawals or what. There was nothing that happened to set him off, during his temper tantrum he blamed me for his addiction, which is obviously BS, he was yelling at me for the house being messy (which it wasn't), dishes in the sink (which there was one), how I don't take care of the dogs so he going to bring them to the shelter (which is BS I spoil my dogs). That was my last straw I left for like an hour and came back, he was gone, he left a note saying how sorry he was and how I'm to good for him and blah blah blah... I'm sorry maybe this sounds mean but that sounds like a bunch of failed manipulation attempts to me. I don't know maybe I'm wrong. So he came back like 4-5 hours later still saying he was sorry and that I didn't deserve any of that. Which yes I know, I didn't lol.
Then a few days later we went to our next apt with the counselor and he tells him that within the week he was at a friends house while they were doing drugs in front of him, meanwhile I heard nothing about this at all until then. That pissed me off, I am bending over backwards dealing with him, and he cant even talk to me. I also heard him on the phone with his friend talking about all of this. If he can talk to everyone else in the world about this but not me then why am I the one helping him...
Also he has barely decreased his mg's of suboxone, he started at 5 on just the first day, then the next day was at 4mgs almost 2 weeks ago and he hasn't taken any less than 3 in one day, and I had him taking 3 for a few days then when I wasn't home he took 4, he did the same thing today. Its just making me think he's not as serous as I had originally thought. He'll say I think I want to take another piece my back hurts... that's a F'n cop out I'm sorry, isn't how this whole problem started.... I don't know

[Lost83]

Confused,

That just plain sux and you are right on the money, it's a bunch of failed manipulation so now he is throwing himself a pity party, boo hoo for him. Sister you deserve better than this, I understand he is on the suboxone but he is still acting like an addict with his dosing.

On the other hand, I understand what it's like to feel left out, we want them to bring their problems to us, and talk to us about things that are going on in their lives, after all we are their significant other right?! In this case with the friends using in front of him, that is not an environment he needs to be in and those aren't his "friends". Couseling 1x per week is a start, but I think he needs much more than sub's and a therapy session with you and a counselor weekly. He needs an intense recovery program, something to work at daily other than just dosing with the sub's.

As far as threats and belittling you, don't go for that shiz, I think you did the right thing by leaving but ask yourself this.... why did you have to leave YOUR house? Don't get me wrong, I think it was a wise decision but that is your home and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable enough to have to leave because of his outbursts. Are you sure he isn't still using? Just think of this scenario, if you were a recovering alcoholic, been sober for one week, would you go to the bar? Why would he want to sit in a room with people who are doing the drugs he so longs to take and not indulge? It just doesn't sound right to me. I could be wrong, but it's a really fishy story.

As for him stating he took more sub because his back hurt, that's another line of bull, the sub is for him to detox without experiencing withdraws not to replace the old drug for pain mangement. My back hurts right now sitting at my desk but I am not going to run out and seek narcotics to numb the pain. That is the difference between the addict and us, we don't find excuses to do drugs. He on the other hand will give you every excuse under the sun, every explanation in the book. Put your foot down. He has to know you are serious and that he is going to start suffering the consequences for his actions. What are you willing to do to stop this madness? Don't allow his manipulation to get the best of you, set your boundaries and stick to them. Let him travel his path and if you find is spiraling out of control remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Give it up to your HP and let it go from there. I know it's easier said than done. But it gets better with time whether he decides he wants to get clean or not, you gotta focus on your health and sanity.

[confused983]

Lost, You are completely right "he is still acting like an addict with his dosing", that's exactly what I was thinking.

He should be off of the subs by now, or at least down to 1mg, instead he is still taking 2. I guess its not that big of a difference but he's been at 2 for awhile now and like I said last post while he's doing 2, he'll take a little extra at times. He got one more the other day he says its to save if he needs it, if he's having unbearable cravings he could go home and take a piece of a sub so that he knows he cant take any oxy. But now its almost gone because he's been taking 2 mg a day of it, and that's not hos its supposed to work. I mean maybe I'm wrong but the subs are only for w/d's after that its willpower. I don't think he gets that part.

Anyway I'm getting extremely tired of the whole situation, maybe that makes me sound like a B**** but I didn't create this problem, I'm not the one who was lying and basically living a double life for years... so why the hell should I have to deal with this. It is so selfish, during the fight I posted about last time he was yelling at me about money that I spent at Petco, and how could I spend that much money on pet stuff, which yes $160 is a lot of money, but nothing compared to over $400/week on drugs like he did for so long. but of course I didn't say that, I'm trying not to throw things in his face like that, but its hard sometimes I just want to start screaming at him but I don't cause I know it wont do anything.

I don't know how this will work out, part of me just wants to throw my hands up and say I'm done with him. Thats his repercussion for lying to me all this time, how can I ever trust him again? I doubt everything he says!
and the other part of me is scared, I have been with him since I was 16 years old, I don't know anything else. But I guess in the end i don't really know him either, I know he's a liar, I know he's lied to my face every day for over 2 years, every time I flat out asked him if he's on drugs, if he's doing oxy's or other pain killers, I asked this for 2 years! and although I wanted to believe he wasn't and wanted to believe the BS coming out of his mouth, I knew in my gut he was lying.

Wouldn't you think he would be kissing the ground I walk on after all this ******** he put me and our relationship through, and the fact that I am still helping him, no instead he is still so ungrateful, he says he's grateful but it doesn't show and I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth now I believe what I can see.

sorry for my rant I'm just fed up.

[Lost83]

Confused,

Only you can make the decision to leave him. I know how scary it is to be with someone for so long and then venture out on your own. Granted I have my father helping me which I am very grateful for. You are so right, actions speak louder than words and his words and actions both show you he isn't trying as hard as he could be and he is doing this because he "has to" not because he WANTS to.

Suggest NA to him, it is such a huge reality check to sit in a room full of addicts and listen to their stories. To see others that are in the same position as him and those who have some significant recovery under their belt and are leading healthy happy lives. Some that lost everything but are still working on their recovery every day because they want to, they are strictly being active in their recovery because they realize that life is worth living. I know it shed a lot of light on my situation when I sat in those rooms and listened to their stories. It's just a suggestion..

Also, this is not healthy for you to constantly be fighting a battle that isn't yours to fight. You cannot win this war for him, as much as you want to, it's all in his hands. Are you positive he isn't using?? His behaviors would lead to me believe that he is.