Embarrassed to write this

[Thisisthelasttime]

I am very frustrated and feel so alone. I am on my fourth day of detox and I am still miserable. I am disappointed with this board. I was so excited when I found this board and I realize that I am being unreasonable and I have never posted what I am about to post.
I first want to thank Cheekysod, freedom 11, Sue 13, Shybaby and Denny D. You people did reach out to me at least once. I seriously needed help (and still do) and when I found this board I was so impressed how much people where really determined to help others in need of sobriety. I have a serious problem and needed someone to help. I see others getting responses and feel totally ignored.
Denny: you very much have tried and I greatly appreciate it. I was taken back by something you said " you supposedly have used for 7 years" I know the exact day that I started using. In August of 2004, I had an abscessed tooth. I had to go to the dentist. I had my 15 year old slightly handicapped step-son watch my 5 year old granddaughter while I went. (mentally he was about 12 years old.) I was going to take them that day but they wanted to stay and play. I went to the dentist and got antibiotics and Vicodin. I drove back home to pick the kids up and take them to the pharmacy with me. I walked into the door of my house and they were not in the living room. I walked upstairs and they were in his bedroom with nothing on from the waist down and he was on top of her. I was horrified. I actually called the police and then my family. The police took him away. My husband was outraged that I called them. We've had marriage problems ever since. At the end of that day I finally filled my prescription and took my first vicodin. It helped so much with the anguish of the day. I was traumatized and the picture of what I walked into was seared into my brain. From that day until a few days ago I steadily took vicodin to the point of losing everything. I have been to jail for 30 days because of opiates. I lost my job (managed a bank) I overdosed and was in ICU for 3 days. My life has turned to HE77!!! This seriously is my last attempt at detoxing. When I don't use the images and emotions of that time come back full force. My plan was to detox completely then seek counseling to move past this. I am on a few other non-drug boards (hobbies etc.) And have NEVER told anyone about this. Right now I am a basket case and thought that I could at least work through the drug problem with all the great support people have given here.
I apologize in advance if I have have offended others and please forgive me for that. I don't know what else to say but I will look elsewhere to help deal with my drug issue.
By the way Denny, I am now taking ibuprofin and tylenol and my pain is minimized I have not used any opiates since the one and I have followed your advice and others who did respond to me. I thank you for that. I may just be venting because of withdrawal or I may be really put out I JUST DON"T KNOW.

[moon6748]

Hi there, wow, that is a heart-wrenching story and really a greatest fear come true. I am so truly sorry for all that you have been through.

I want to first just address your feelings of being ignored on here. When I first came here months ago I had the same feelings. I posted a VERY long first message, but I felt that it was important to spell out exactly where I was coming from. The few people who did respond at the time seemed more interested in pointing out how long (inappropriately long) my message was....and to me it seemed like they completely ignored the content of the message. That put me instantly on the defense and I lashed out at a couple of people on here (Robert being the main one). I basically focused on that instead of getting clean, and ultimately dropped off the board. When I was ready to quit again I came back here, apologized and had an open mind. Sure enough, I then had many people commenting, supporting and helping.

I can definitely understand the feeling of "why are some people's threads being favored, and mine isn't". There are many reasons, but none of them are personal. If I didn't comment on your thread it's probably because I read through the responses and felt like whatever I would have said was already covered and I had nothing new to add. Sometimes it just takes people time to read everything, come around. But sure enough, there is a ton of support here. It's not a miracle place though....YOU have to do the work and do it in your own real life. Then you can come on here and be cheered on and get suggestions. Please keep posting and believe me, you WILL get the support you are craving.

To address the issues that got you using. Wow, again, that is just horrible and I can imagine that the pills block out those horrible images. Here is the thing, you can't wait to get counseling....you need to go NOW. It doesn't matter if you aren't clean from the pills or not. The only way to get through this for you is to work out the feelings of guilt, shame, horror, etc.. The pills have just been muting all of those feelings, and it's time to bring them into the light and get rid of them.

I'm here for you and I hope that you don't disappear of off this board. You are dealing with a lot of issues and need to sort things out on many levels. But keep posting, please. If you are on Day 4 then physically you should be feeling a lot better soon. And from a detox point of view, mentally you should be coming around as well. Only problem is that you still have all of that other stuff to deal with, and the mental clarity you will gain from being clean is only going to make that stuff clearer. I urge you to make a counseling appt. today....it's what is going to help in the long run.....

[moon6748]

Me again, I also just wanted to add that I think you took something Denny said the wrong way. I re-read your thread and the only thing I could find where he references the seven years was:

Remember that you abused pills for about 7 years as you say and you certainly can't expect to get cean injust 1 week.

I don't think that he was questioning your statement of 7 years....I think it was just the wording. He was trying to say "you said you used for 7 years, so you aren't going to get clean in just a week".

I'm not trying to point out that you are wrong, I'm just trying to make you feel better about your thread. You sound a lot like me when I first came on here, focusing on the wrong things (I think in order to avoid really focusing on the right ones).

We are all here for you, so please keep coming back...

[freedom11]

Hi there - your story is heart wrenching; there are similiarities - I've just lost my job cos of it all too; anyway, I am really sad that you're feeling this way. I only came on a few weeks ago though I've been getting 'clean' (hate that word) off of heroin since January - and apart from 3 times, not touched it since and have been on meth and subs to wean myself off opiates just like most others here. Anyway, when I came on and said something on someone elses thread, I got told my message was 'toxic' and it was reported to the moderators and deleted! So I sort of know where you're coming from. But I realised later that my comment was out of context and it would be better to have my own thread. ANyway, this is your thread now - or the other one is, you decide; keep it as a diary and post every day and then it will be at the top of the list or at least on the first page. I never go to the second page so that's when people get missed. I haven't written to Moon for ages cos her thread has disappeared - or had done anyway cos she'd been away for a bit. Try not to lose heart. You can beat this and there IS support here. I will try and find your other thread later so that I can see where you're up to in your detox. I'm still tapering myself. I'm in the UK so on an almost opposite time zone to you which i find frustrating sometimes. SO I will probably be one of the few on here in your very early hours of the morning. The other thing that's worth doing is check in and read other threads. It's easier to connect with someone who is at the same place as you in your recovery. Don't give up on us!! What's your name? (doesn't have to be your real one, obviously) Love Jay xx

[freedom11]

Hi there, wow, that is a heart-wrenching story and really a greatest fear come true. I am so truly sorry for all that you have been through.

Here is the thing, you can't wait to get counseling....you need to go NOW. It doesn't matter if you aren't clean from the pills or not. The only way to get through this for you is to work out the feelings of guilt, shame, horror, etc.. The pills have just been muting all of those feelings, and it's time to bring them into the light and get rid of them.

I urge you to make a counseling appt. today....it's what is going to help in the long run.....

Just wanted to support Moon's thread to you; I don't want to sound like I'm preaching so I will speak from my own experience. I have been going to counselling and the doctors (weekly then two weekly) cos I fell apart completly when I came off H cos I had messed up my life so much and other people and so many awful things happened when I was on H that I couldn't come to terms with - felt terrible and suicidal. Cos of funding had to end with my counselling last week but got an assessment for more shortly; if I were you, I would try and see a person-centred counsellor, not a CBT one. ALl I am trying to say is, I agree with Moon, in theory and from experience. All this addiction and the events in my life made me lose my confidence and I'm starting to regain it - it's a long journey; I hope that makes sense. Love Jay xx

[moon6748]

Hi Freedom! I've missed you! My thread did fall off a bit, I bumped it up over the weekend but nobody responded! I've been following yours and even though I haven't been on here as much I am still rooting you on from the wings!

Thisisthelasttime, I hate to bombard you with posts when you haven't written back yet. I just wanted to ask if there was any sort of counseling, for anyone in your family, when the initial incident happened? Was it brushed under the rug? I know that you said your husband was upset with you. Did the rest of the family treat you like it was your fault for involving the police? Would they have preferred that you sweep it under the rug? I feel awful for you. You weren't the person at fault in that incident. It might have been an error in judgment leaving them alone at home, but I do not think it was an error calling the police. By doing that you basically made sure it couldn't happen again.

I want to give you a chance to post again so I'll stop there, o.k.? Thinking of you....

[Denny_D]

Me again, I also just wanted to add that I think you took something Denny said the wrong way. I re-read your thread and the only thing I could find where he references the seven years was:

Remember that you abused pills for about 7 years as you say and you certainly can't expect to get cean injust 1 week.

I don't think that he was questioning your statement of 7 years....I think it was just the wording. He was trying to say "you said you used for 7 years, so you aren't going to get clean in just a week".

I'm not trying to point out that you are wrong, I'm just trying to make you feel better about your thread. You sound a lot like me when I first came on here, focusing on the wrong things (I think in order to avoid really focusing on the right ones).

We are all here for you, so please keep coming back...

Moon .... thank you but you don't have to explain for me. I can take care of myself. I really do appreciate you responding to "lasttime" because you are exactly right in what you said. Bless you Moon..... Denny

thelasttime ..... Moon was correct in her response to you. You took what I said entirely the wrong way. I was not questioning your exact time or date's. I was generally speaking.

I can remember the exact date of the very first Vicodin pill I took also. And that was over 35 years ago! I would never question your statements about any time that is involved. I'll put it differently. You used for 7 years and can't expect to get clean in 1 week. That's what I meant, as Moon told you.

I'm so sorry I was busy and missed your post to me. I would have responded right away as I always try to do! I hope this clears the air and I can go on trying to give you some advice. God Bless.....Denny

[justplaindone]

Thank you for posting on my thread. I went back and looked you up and it seems to me that if you have been on track you would be on two weeks or so. I didn't do the math. Did you relapse. Okay if you did cause I have tried this 100 times. I would love to have a partner to detox with. I am just finishing my third day and I still feel pretty miserable. PLEASE POST AGAIN!!!

[kathleen5hockey]

I understand what you are saying. I also have read posts and gotten offended, then re-read and realized it was me reading with so much hurt. What you have been thru is painful but please, don't leave. We are all here to help. With so many threads it's hard to get to all of them. Good luck and God bless.