Drug abuse and relationships

[tampa girl 17]

Hello folks, glad to be a part of the community

Well Im here looking for some advice and suggestions about my current situation.

Here goes...

My bf, who I'm deeply in love with is addicted to opiates. I never knew he was on it until I started noticing very secretive personality, always guarding his phone, always very private, and somehow always "sick."

So About 6 months ago, I broke a code that people in relationships have about going through each other's things, and I went through his phone. Found out he was meeting up with his so called friend everytime he was shady about going somewhere. To find out that it was drugs that he was attempting to get. I approached and confronted him then and swore on his family and swore on that it was just xanax. Mind you it took about 2 days before he admitted that he was on something. I offered help, and he yelled at me saying that Im not her mother and that it is not a problem. So after a few days of heated conversations he promised me that he will stop and will never ever put our relationship in jeopardy ever again. Wrong. He stopped for over a month and a half or atleast hid it well, but then came the withdrawal symptoms everytime we went away for a weekend, where he doesnt have access to anything.

Mood swings, shady behavior, etc started happening again and about 2 months ago, I saw him on the ground crawling, barely able to stand, and states that he has a stomach virus. And here's me being concerned and blinded by my feelings for him thinking it really was a stomach virus. A few weeks later, saw him crawling on the ground again, this time I confronted him. He swears it was alcohol this time. I said i think he's taking oxy's, but of course he denied it. I still had no concrete evidence that he was taking anything, so I stayed with him. So now here we are.

Last night while he was over, he told me to go get something out of his car, I can tell he was on something at this point (he was nodding). I couldnt find whatever he was making me look for, so i looked in his trunk, then I found lots of empty vials of morphine, syringes, torniquets all over his trunk mixed up with a bunch of clothes. Also a bunch of empty little zip-up baggies about the size of a quarter.

Now my question is. How do I approach him about this? The first thing he's going to do is yell at me for going through his stuff, mind you he tells me never to open the trunk of his car. He is very unapproachable, it's like talking to a wall. It takes time to finally get him to back down. Any advice on how to handle the situation? Any advice on how to confront him or whether to stay with him? Im just scared of relapse because he told me he used to do drugs in high school but has stopped (apparently not). I bet he'll tell me im not his mother again.

[karaboo]

Sweetie, my advice is to RUN like hell. He's not trying to quit, that's obvious. And a relationship without trust and honesty is no relationship at all. I was married to a pillhead for 7 years and when I finally filed for divorce all I felt was RELIEF! This is a toxic relationship and you do not need to go through this hell anymore! Maybe someday he'll get his life together -- hey, maybe you leaving will open his eyes to what he's become. But even if it doesn't, you need to take care of you, and the best way to do that is to get away from him. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear, but that is my honest opinion. Lots of hugs, this is hard.

[winged eagle]

Whatever you do, PLEASE stay away from that stuff yourself.
And like Karaboo said, you have to decide, because he's already decided. That stuff is too seductive, hun. He will never leave "her" until he's ready. And it sure as h-ll doesn't sound like he's ready.

[winged eagle]

Oh yeah, and I was engaged to a heroin addict.
I am now here.
Left him years ago and got clean.
But, look, I am now here.
This isn't any life for you. If he wants to get clean, let him. He can come find you and you can decide then if you want him back. I'm sorry, it's a lot to hear straight away. It took ME years to figure this out.
And now I'm here

[tampa girl 17]

Winged eagle sorry to hear. But yes i dont want to be around that stuff. Growing up i was always straight edged other than a little alcohol socially. I even hated it when friends smoked pot.

How do i approach him? I spoke to him twice today but i dont want to do it while he's at work. It's just so hard. Im so close to his family. It even seems like i get along with them more than he does.

[winged eagle]

Winged eagle sorry to hear. But yes i dont want to be around that stuff. Growing up i was always straight edged other than a little alcohol socially. I even hated it when friends smoked pot.

How do i approach him? I spoke to him twice today but i dont want to do it while he's at work. It's just so hard. Im so close to his family. It even seems like i get along with them more than he does.

Wow, that's between the two of you.. I don't know either of you, you're the one who can gauge his level of receptivity. I just know you need to do what you need to do.
Karaboo, any insights on this? What did you do when you left that pill head?
Personally? I actually left the country for a few years.
Not an option, I presume

[tampa girl 17]

Haha definitely not an option. I wish it was though

as far as his receptivity, thats what im scared of. I know that he will get so defensive right from the get go. He will make the conversation be more about me invading his privacy than him being an addict.

[all i got was this lousy t-shirt]

Okay, I'm going to attempt to provide some advice having been the recipient of some great advice myself in this forum. TG17, I am on day 5 of cold turkey. Things are starting to become clearer and clearer to me and I hope this advice reflects that.

Number one: You are both addicts - he to his opiates and you to the "opiate" like moments, be they ever so brief, that he brings to you at times in your relationship. Ask any addict, "Are those brief moments of euphoria worth the heartache, the physical and emotional pain and the socioeconomic devastation the addiction brings to you?" You will always get a resounding, "NO!".

Your participation in this forum should be about you breaking your addiction - not him. He must do it himself. You CANNOT help him. Millions have tried. All have failed. Based upon what you have told us and the fact that I have never seen any posts from Tampa Boy 17, I will assume that he has absolutely no intention of quitting. You, on the other hand, have begun the difficult journey of dealing with your problem - your addiction.

So TG17, it really is simple. As long as TB17 has you and his opiates to fall back on, things will not change for him. You need to allow him to hit bottom before there is any chance of him wanting to help himself. Your presence is a net that will preclude this from ever happening.

As for you, as long as TB17 remains in your life, your personally destructive addiction will continue. You must go Cold Turkey as I am doing. You must flush all memories of him down the toilet as many of us have begrudgingly done with our pills. There is NO other way. It's nearly impossible at first. Gets easier most every day. People on this forum will confirm this. Some day, surrounded by the love of future husband and children, non encumbered with the devastation surrounding addiction, you will truly appreciate your courageous decision to quit.

Stay in touch and God speed!

[indigo415]

I vote for RUN too. This isn't something to be messing around with and if he isn't even willing to talk about it, then he doesn't seem to want help or to quit. It isn't a life that you should have to deal with. I am a pill head. I do know that when confronted addicts will do/say whatever they can to turn it around on the one who cares. To not take responsibility for themselves. Until they want help that is. Do not let it be turned around that it is somehow your fault for finding it!! I wish you and him the best, maybe leave and in the future when he gets his mind right you two can work it out. In the meantime it is going to be too toxic for you. Best wishes!!

[cherdox57]

Now looking back at my life I think my husband left me 4 years ago because of my behavior from all the opiates I was using. I got hooked 8 years ago when the doctor I used till now kept giving and upping my meds due to an illness. I never realized what those drugs were doing to me and maybe if I wasn't on them my marriage would have not fallen apart.Now we are friends and also own a business together.

Please confront your boyfirend. At this point you have nothing to lose. Either he will listen to you or you will have to make a decision to leave him. Ask him to read the threads on this site to get a better understanding of what he is doing to his life. That addiction happens to people of all walks of life. Young old,poor.Doctors,lawyers nurses, teachers you name it. It knows no barriers. Hopeful he will listen . Please post and let us know what happens. Take Care and Good Luck. I will be praying for you.
Cherdox

[winged eagle]

You must flush all memories of him down the toilet as many of us have begrudgingly done with our pills.

LOL!

No offense, TampaGirl, just something our friend still seems "traumatized" about

[karaboo]

My leaving wasn't so hard. He was working in San Francisco and I found out he had a heroin addict gf living in his hotel room. That was the final straw, after years of daily lying and always having to borrow money from family to pay bills, buy formula, etc. I hit my knees in the bathroom one night, begging God to show me what was wrong in my marriage -- two days later I found out about the gf. I told God "That's NOT the answer I was looking for!" lol. I called him, finally got him to admit it, and the next day filed for divorce. I was soooo relieved. My family was thrilled lol. His family was thrilled too . They knew how bad it had gotten. Moving on is never easy, but it is sooo worth it. I'm in a healthier place now, and so are my kids.

Don't do it while he's at work, but personally I see no problem doing it over the phone. That way, when it gets turned back around on you (it always did on me too) you can just hang up. Say what you to say and end the call. Don't get pulled into the argument, because the fact is that there is no good reason for him to tell you not to open his trunk. That's ridiculous.

Good luck, keep posting, and keep your chin up!!

[MaisieC]

Hi Tampa Girl,

So often we hear the partners of addicts come on the board and ask for advice about the "right" way to confront their partner. The fact is there's no "right" way. Anything you say he will take as a challenge, and the sad fact is that NOTHING is more important to him than drugs right now. Anything you say will suggest to him that you're trying to take away his most precious possession, and he will likely go ballistic. You cannot control that.

Partners of addicts often get wrapped up in finding the right way to help. But the bottom line is that addicts have to help themselves. If you get embroiled in trying to help him, you will suffer terribly. He doesn't want to change right now, and if you try to push him to change, he will be abusive and make you miserable. I'm sorry to say this, but it's what we see over and over and over again. I think your best course is to get out of the relationship, I'm afraid. I know it will be very painful, but believe me that it will be more painful to stay and try to help someone who does not want to change.

I know it goes against the grain to walk away. If you need more understanding and support, I suggest you check out an Al-Anon meeting where you can learn more about addiction and co-dependency.

Good luck to you,
Maisie

[cheekysod]

oh man, i have so been the dodgy partner, using behind my (cleaned up first) ex bf. he thought we'd moved to another country, new clean start, but i found drugs pretty quick and did it behind his back.
the day he found my bio hazard container, with about 100 used fits in, he went mental, threw them at me, i was horrified, shamed out, sad, cried,
but still went out to score later.
he basically said, him or the drugs, guess what, the drugs won. shame on me, but its totally true.
i moved out to another country altogether, (other side of world from us) that gave him the chance to move on, and i have never seen him to this day. i came back to our original country. en zed.

it was going downhill, but i did not want to stop. its such a hard lesson, but in the end, i think we are both better off, we'd been together 16 years, mind you about 14 of them we were both loaded, and him being clean first was the last straw, i just wasnt ready. still had to go on another few years to "get it"

all the best, it must be really hard being on the other side, i only know from my side, but it might just be the best thing for both of you, we were scared of change, but really it needed to happen.

cheeky

[indigo415]

Hi Tampa Girl,

So often we hear the partners of addicts come on the board and ask for advice about the "right" way to confront their partner. The fact is there's no "right" way. Anything you say he will take as a challenge, and the sad fact is that NOTHING is more important to him than drugs right now. Anything you say will suggest to him that you're trying to take away his most precious possession, and he will likely go ballistic. You cannot control that.

Partners of addicts often get wrapped up in finding the right way to help. But the bottom line is that addicts have to help themselves. If you get embroiled in trying to help him, you will suffer terribly. He doesn't want to change right now, and if you try to push him to change, he will be abusive and make you miserable. I'm sorry to say this, but it's what we see over and over and over again. I think your best course is to get out of the relationship, I'm afraid. I know it will be very painful, but believe me that it will be more painful to stay and try to help someone who does not want to change.

I know it goes against the grain to walk away. If you need more understanding and support, I suggest you check out an Al-Anon meeting where you can learn more about addiction and co-dependency.

Good luck to you,
Maisie

I agree with everything you said. Perfectly stated!

[doc.rose]

I agree with everything you said. Perfectly stated!

Me too! Maise said it perfectly. Get yourself into a program. Al-anon is a great one. I attend Al-Anon and it has saved me. Good luck!

[ARTIST658]

Thank you, Maisie - well said! I just wanted to take it a bit further, tampa girl. If you are going to confront him with what you know, take a long moment ahead of time to think through your motives and intentions. Sometimes, we go into a confrontation like that without a clear idea of what we want it to accomplish, and then it just becomes a "free-for-all" of screaming and blaming on both sides.

If your goal is to break through his denial and lies, you're setting your expectations too high. If your goal is to have him break down and cry, begging you to stay, then that's just prolonging the same situation. Those cries of remorse are generally very short-lived - and followed by even sneakier drug use.

BUT... if your goal is to state the facts and tell him to leave (or say that you are leaving)... then that's do-able. But you have to know in advance IF you're going to cave in to him - if he figures out the right words to keep you there.

Be clear with yourself ahead of time, no matter what he says, it is over. THEN, the trick is to dis-engage after you've been heard. Do not get into a debate about what you've seen and what he says is going on; that's nothing but a crazy circus. Trying to debate facts with an active addict is truly an exercise in frustration and futility!

God bless,
Ruth

[snickers02]

hi tampa girl. im in the exact same situation and so i know what you're going through. im deeply in love wih my bf who is also a morphine addict and i struggle with the dilemma everyday as to whether i want to leave him or not. sometimes i think if i had known how bad it was earlier on i would never have pursued this relationship. i dont know if you bf is like this but mine is dependent on me in almost every way and its emotionally killing me. some days are ok and i get a glimpse of the guy i love. most the time though its hard. most people will tell you to leave him and theyre probably right. but i know its not so easy. good luck to you xox