"Don't Quit Before the Miracle Happens..."

[Bren6]

I just read this from someone who quoted Robert. It really helped. I always struggle in the evenings, mostly because I get depressed and my mind is foggy and I think about what's missing and I have to truly say I do not want to use. Ever again. But I do want to feel better and I know I have to be patient. It does get better every day but when I start feeling sad I feel like it's going to be forever. I detoxed from Cymbalta last summer. Not knowing I should have tapered. It was hell, probably worse than this but without the cravings. And I did get better. And I did start feeling like myself again. So when I get past this. I will really feel like myself. My real self. It took a month or so but I made it. When it was suggested I go back on the Cymbalta and taper I said no why would I want to go back when I've got two weeks in? I'll have two weeks in Sunday so why would I want to go back? I don't. This is for me. And my family but mostly me. I made an appointment with my doctor, who prescribed the pills, for my yearly blood work. I'm going to tell him. I was going to have to wait because he was booked for the next two weeks but after talking to the receptionist and telling her I stopped and needed to talk to MY doctor, she got me in this Wednesday at 5:15. I'm glad about that. I feel more committed everyday. I just want to not be nervous and or sad.....
Sorry I'm chatty. I just needed to talk. And a pep talk. Which I just gave myself but I wouldn't mind more encouraging words.

[cryin out]

I love that quote Bren. I go to celebrate recovery and they say that and they really push to help us get to our better self (through a faith based 12 step) not for everyone, but I am holding onto this quote dearly

[Bren6]

I've been thinking of going to CR. I'm having such a hard time leaving the house. I think CR might be the place for me. I really believe God had a hand in facilitating my stopping the drugs. He answered my prayers in an awesome and obvious way. There is a meeting Monday. It's the only one I know of around here and it's in a neighborhood I'm not familiar with. Anyway, I'm going to make the effort because this is not enough. Not enough feedback or interaction. I appreciate your responses. I'm really rooting for you!

[Bren6]

I just checked for CR meetings again and found one in an area I know. It meets on Thursdays.

[GOLDA55]

Just read your post Bren and never saw that quote from Robert, it is great and I am still waiting for that Miracle. If you every saw my posts, golda55, I am a 63 year old grandma, went to detox, still having some withdrawals and just got the flu, I too have always had a hard time leaving the house, but when my children were younger I had to, when I worked I had to, When I had my grandchildren I had to, when my husband wants to go out I have to, but since detoxing and going through these withdrawals, it is getting harder and harder to get dressed and leave my house. I am waiting for the miracle to happen and will have to again, and then be myself a little. I have gone out, but always caused alot of stress right now. Good Luck to all, by the way what drug did you stop taking...Love and Luck Golda

[Bren6]

Golda, I just read your post. A little while ago I responded to one of your posts. Just making my way down the list. I've been following your story for a while now. I was taking hydrocodone and thought I loved it. Joked about it all the time. Now I realize just what an evil thing I was putting in myself. I was taking between 150 and 200 10/625 and 10/325 (some prescribed, some not) a month then the past two months I was going through that amount in 3 weeks. I've been taking them (mostly 5/500) on and off for 10 years. Regularly probably the past 3 or 4 years. I lost track. First it was 3 a day then 4, then 5.......you know how it goes. It took me 11 days clean to stop lurking on here and join for the one on one support. It's all I have right now.

[GOLDA55]

Hi Bren, just read your other post about you also being a Grandma, guess age doesn't always bring wisdom. I too am doing this for myself, but sometimes it is so hard to remember the person I was before the pain meds. I hope you are sticking with it, it is even harder if you are, as I think I am, a little less of a motivated person. I have a husband, who is the easiest man, mostly happy, and never hardly ever took a tylenol. My children are out of the house, but I still worry, I am a very bad worrier, which I think also helped me get addicted, I did not worry as much. I am on an anti-depressant, paxil, that my dr. gave me when I quit smoking almost 10 years ago, but this fog over me now after over 2 weeks of no pain meds is horrible, I think I had 2 good days, when I thought It lifted. Hope you are doing well, keep up the hard, hard, work, Don't quit until the Miracle Happens!!

[Robert_325]

Bren ......It would be awesome for you to start making Celebrate Recovery meetings. For the right people who are comfortable in a Christ centered recovery program there is nothing like it. I helped start the program in our church a couple years ago. It's grown now to where it's huge. And it isn't just about addiction. I also found working the steps in Celebrate Recovery as well as doing the Purpose Driven Life along with the journaling book all by Rick Warren who wrote the Celebrate Recovery program all work great hand in hand. You should check out the Purpose Driven Life if you can.

If you make a CR meeting once a week and do the 40 day journal with the Purpose Driven Life it will give you such a great jump on your recovery! Just something for you to think about. It can't help but benefit you spending that much time in God's Word! God bless.

[Bren6]

Golda, we are going to do this!!!
Robert, thank you so much for your encouragement. I haven't been to church in decades but grew up in one. When I decided to stop (I ran out first), I had advanced a rather hefty amount of money to friends expecting to get more hydros in about 6 days after I would run out. The very next day I knew I had made a horrible mistake. I kept praying and praying especially after I stopped (midnight Christmas). Three or four days after stopping and wondering what to do, thinking I would have to take them or waste money, or write it off as a very expensive mistake, I got a text saying they couldn't get them for 2 weeks because the doc was out of town. I said I didn't want them anymore could I have my money back. She said yes. I don't have the money yet but hopefully I will get it. If not...expensive mistake. My point is, I truly believed God answered my prayers and look upon it as a miracle of sorts. That is why I am so determined and why I think CR might be for me. I am going to buy the book and workbook tomorrow. I know in my heart that God had a hand in this.

[Robert_325]

That is awesome! All things are possible through Christ Jesus and He works in mysterious ways. That money was already blown and He got your attention. LOL

It took me a while as I only became a Christian about five years ago but He always answers my prayers, I just have to pay attention for the answer. I know it will be great for you in Celebrate Recovery! God bless.

[Bren6]

Robert, just wanted to let you know that I went to church twice yesterday! I got A Purpose Driven Life but had to order the workbook. They should be here tomorrow and my 27 year old daughter is going to do it with me. My main problems now are nervousness with shakiness and lack of sleep but I AM 2 WEEKS CLEAN!!!! I am so excited about this and have been telling people. I decided to go to church to show my commitment and acknowledge God's hand in all of this.

[Robert_325]

Robert, just wanted to let you know that I went to church twice yesterday! I got A Purpose Driven Life but had to order the workbook. They should be here tomorrow and my 27 year old daughter is going to do it with me. My main problems now are nervousness with shakiness and lack of sleep but I AM 2 WEEKS CLEAN!!!! I am so excited about this and have been telling people. I decided to go to church to show my commitment and acknowledge God's hand in all of this.

Bren .... that is awesome! I am proud of you for taking such positive action for your recovery! And working the Purpose Driven Life with your daughter will be an experience you won't ever forget, either one of you. You'll cherish this time together doing that workbook. You'll have another 40 days clean when you finish that workbook. It's amazing how keeping busy doing things that are recovery related and Christ focused will make such a difference in your life! I couldn't be happier for you.

Two weeks clean is a miracle! I look at myself and at almost ten years clean each day is just another day. But when someone is just getting clean each day is another miracle! It really makes me happy that you are following my suggestion and you are placing your faith in HIM!!! He has never let me down yet as long as I don't let myself down. I'll keep you in my prayers. Let me know if I can help you. God bless.

[GOLDA55]

Today is 20 days clean for me, and after detoxing and having the flu and being so worn out...I finally feel my strength coming back and I also am feeling some kind of miracle today..My mind was so clear for the first time in a long time..I know tomorrow may not be as good, but I am so grateful for today..I pray each day for strength and wisdom and today I felt it. Thank you Robert for always being there for people who need you, and Bren, please keep up the hard work, withdrawals was one of the hardest things I have ever faced, even giving birth was a picnic compared to w/d/s. Thank you again all who have helped me through this, I am finally putting a smiley face on my post, not a big grin yet, but it is and improvement..love and luck to everyone, and thank you..I will keep posting.

[Robert_325]

Today is 20 days clean for me, and after detoxing and having the flu and being so worn out...I finally feel my strength coming back and I also am feeling some kind of miracle today..My mind was so clear for the first time in a long time..I know tomorrow may not be as good, but I am so grateful for today..I pray each day for strength and wisdom and today I felt it. Thank you Robert for always being there for people who need you, and Bren, please keep up the hard work, withdrawals was one of the hardest things I have ever faced, even giving birth was a picnic compared to w/d/s. Thank you again all who have helped me through this, I am finally putting a smiley face on my post, not a big grin yet, but it is and improvement..love and luck to everyone, and thank you..I will keep posting.

Remember that we only have today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes. So just take this one day at a time and you'll be on the right road. You're sounding so much better than just a short time ago. Proud of you for the progress you're making! Hang in there. 20 days is a giant step forward! God bless.

[cryin out]

Yay Bren, I feel to Gods hand in my recovery, yet I know I am only 1 pill away from complete failure. Someone in my house actually has them too, so double strength I need. My resolve is good at the moment and I focus on I will not take a pill today and also a larger goal of receiveing a 30 day chip from CR meaning clean days. Then I will focus on the 60 day one along with each day. Just for attainable goals.

Golda you are doing great!!! I honestly think the older we are the longer it takes. I have seen some younger people in real life and on these boards that tend to bounce back in a week. For me it is getting better, but by mid day I am a bit lost still. Shakey, foggy sometimes. But actually get on the forum more than once today so I can sit up longer without shaking so bad I feel wierd...lol that is good

[Bren6]

Golda, how are you today? I still didn't sleep much last night but did get about 4 1/2 hours so that beats nothing. Still waiting for the fog to lift. I was trying to read and have to read things over and over and still not sure if I got it. Oh well, I will push ahead and it will all come to me eventually.

Robert, I started the book. Am now waiting for my daughter to read it then we are going to discuss it then journal. The Lord is working in my life and it is so clear to me. There is a service at church tomorrow night that covers different aspects of the bible for different family members. I'm not sure what it is all about but there are many different groups. I was curious about it and thinking about going and remembered I had a Dr. Appt. at 5:15. I kept wondering if I would have time to get there. Anyway, the nurse called yesterday and asked if I could change my time to 12:45. How could I not go now that the Lord has so obviously shown me what to do? I have so much to learn about Him and this journey that I am on. Quite honestly, I never thought I would be talking like this....

[Bren6]

Cryin, somehow missed your post. We must have been posting at the same time. I feel bad for you that you have to face that temptation. I only had to struggle with should I call in a prescription for more but I KNEW I wanted off this merry go round. I want to find myself again. I WANT THIS! I have no doubts. Lately it seems like when I get a craving I don't even recognize it for what it is. I'll just think that I'm feeling bad and weird and then I realize I would have taken something at that point. But I don't want to do that anymore. Things are going to be so much better, I just know it.

[Bren6]

I was thinking about how Golda and some other people on here have talked about counting pills. That is so funny because I did it all the time but didn't realize other people did it too. I would count them then count the days and divide to see how many I had for each day. Well starting in November I started running out of my script and my extras so I knew I was in trouble. This is so much better. And also not having to lock them up or worry about my daughter stealing them if I left the pills and her alone in a room even for a couple of minutes. Yes, so more of my story comes out. She has a problem too. Not a daily user or a heavy user but still a problem. So that helps me know that by staying clean I am helping her also. My life was so sick and I want to heal it.

[cryin out]

I think that too about the cravings. I had one day where I thought alot about pills but I did not want them, just the images and memories came to mind. What I want is me back. I think I was pretty cool before this opiate nightmare, and that is the woman I want back. To be sure I was superwoman, worked hard, overcame cancer, etc...then got hurt, opiates helped me continue on, but that superwoman was lost a long time ago. That is the woman I am looking to see again and what gives me hope And besides my youngest 3 of my 7 kids and 2 grandchildren and one of my adult children lives with me right now, I hate having a short fuse, or lack of energy.

Sorry to ramble sweetie. I was so tired of shaking I've been on the forum more today to help myself I think

[Bren6]

My son is married with a baby and my daughter still lives at home. She has severe depression and is bi-polar but seems to be getting better. She is on all kinds of meds that I wish she could get off of. Heavy duty psych drugs. I think she is a candidate for electro therapy but I am not allowed to even mention that in this house. Both my daughter and husband are totally against it. She's been in therapy since like 3rd grade. It's organic because she had a very privileged childhood with no traumas. The meds never work for long.

[GOLDA55]

I felt very bad reading your story about your daughter, but in today's world there is so much help for this problem, I truly hope you and her find the correct thing to do...I keep thinking we, our children, our grandchildren and everyone else is where they are suppossed the be at this time of their lives. Things look up and then down, but we certainly have been through alot with the withdrawals, depression, and all that goes along with it. I had a few really good days, and now I am really worn out again, but it is probably where I am suppossed to be for whatever reason. I try hard to keep thinking like that, instead of constantly worrying about everyone. I hope you are feeling better and Cryin I also hope you will be strong, It is not easy with young children around, but you are younger and stronger so I know You will be fine. Please keep posting . Hope you are all having a better day than yesterday, unfortunately I am not, but that is o.k. No counting pills Bren, I went away on vacation with my grandchildren and children and counted over and over to make sure I had enough, then ran out and had to go to ER during my grandsons baseball game to get pill. ugh.

[Bren6]

Starting on day 20 today. l have to say every day it is getting better. The nervousness and shakes are coming less and less, I am getting more sleep and the waves of depression aren't as often. Hopefully soon I will be able to fall asleep before 2:30 a.m. That is the next goal, plus not using benadryl to help with that. My mother commented yesterday that I looked good. I saw my doc on Wednesday. He was so pleased I had stopped and was very encouraging. He kept telling me it would get better and I know that. I am so glad to be free of this and wish everyone success. It really is worth it. Patience.....

[staysober10]

Starting on day 20 today. l have to say every day it is getting better. The nervousness and shakes are coming less and less, I am getting more sleep and the waves of depression aren't as often. Hopefully soon I will be able to fall asleep before 2:30 a.m. That is the next goal, plus not using benadryl to help with that. My mother commented yesterday that I looked good. I saw my doc on Wednesday. He was so pleased I had stopped and was very encouraging. He kept telling me it would get better and I know that. I am so glad to be free of this and wish everyone success. It really is worth it. Patience.....

Hey Bren,

Congrats on day 20. I bet it feels good to get positive comments from your family and doc, it makes it all worth it. Theres a million stories on this board but for some reason yours really is giving that extra boost of motivation to just be done with this nightmare. Maybe because we started the addiction during the same period and used about the same amount, whatever it may be I try to keep re-reading your story to give me that extra kick I need to get off this roller coaster ride. Hopefully you keep posting and stay sober.

[Bren6]

Thought it was time for an update. I am now 4 weeks clean!!! Go me. I haven't updated in a while but I read this site everyday from my ipod. I don't know why I hardly get on the computer. Anyway, I have been going to church several times a week, reading and working A Purpose Driven Life and of course reading my Bible. It has been a great help. I still struggle with depression sometimes but it gets better everyday and I get those uncomfortable feelings and emotions that I realize are what made me want to use and I just tell myself I don't want to use. I want to face life head on and sober. Using never solves those problems, only create new ones. I would love to hear from those I haven't heard from in a while, Cryin' out, Golda, Robert, everyone really. I have an affection for all of you on here even though I only know you through these posts. I think about and pray for each and everyone of you that struggle. I am a good listener if anyone needs to talk. Even if I've never responded to you, I've probably read your posts. You all help me so much and don't even know it.