I am not sure this is even the right place to be. I think I need to talk out some issues in order to get my life back on track.

I suffer from depression, pretty severe, I would call it treatment resistant depression as I have tried every med that is made to help me through it. The one thing that was helping me, was opiates, which of course, over time, stopped working for me, and has gotten me into a bit of a dilemma.

A can state a few facts that are true for me today, and maybe will help me start a dialog and learn what a new thread would be to open and get me on the right track.

I want more than anything to be off of opiates, I am ready to stop. I could spend an entire day debating whether or not I feel I am an addict, but I have learned that my method of managing my depression was not something that could work long term. I suppose I knew that all along, but it is so hard to one day be able to be myself, work to my potential, and then have to give that all up.

I have been at very high dosages, it took me 3 years to get there. It is time to stop. As I get more into this, and hopefully, some of you take kindly to talking with me, you will learn a little of my history.

I have tremendous distrust for my medical system that I have access to, so I am going this alone. Working with my Dr's is not an option at this point, until I get clean. They are evil people who will put me in a worse position than I currently am in.

I did find outside care, an awesome Dr, one that I really liked, to work with me on a suboxone treatment plan. It took me a long time to build up the courage to try subs. With a hard headed family member who was telling me I was trading one for the other etc etc, I finally got over those issues after seeing someone close to me use subs as a way to get their life back on track. They worked really well. Not amazing, not perfect, but helpful enough that if you are serious, you will succeed.

I tend to be very sensitive to all medications, subs apparently being no different. I inducted according to COWS scale, I don't recall the exact number I was at, but I made sure to essentially peg every number on the scale. I had waited in excess of 48 hours, and was in the roughest shape I have ever been in.

I would not say I went into precipitated WD's, I got something else. I really wanted to give it a try, so toughed it out for around 6 days or so. What I found was that the more I increased my dose, the worse I felt, the more I reduced my dose, the better I felt, but the more that I felt ************ in general. When I was taking around 8mg, my suicidal ideation levels were dangerous. I have experienced those feelings before, they are nothing new to me, nothing that puts me in danger, I know how to manage them as I have learned my entire life.

This was different. This kicked it up to levels that I was not prepared to deal with, and for my own safety, went to the ER and was given the usual calm me down cocktail of some tranquilizer.

At that point, along with some other life problems, I went back to opiates to relieve myself of the pain and start over, start back on my tapering plan. Despite what I was told, opiates worked right away, as usual, the subs did not counteract them in any way, I believe telling me my body reacts in a pretty strange way to this. My Dr was stumped but is asking around.

Thats fine, so subs are not going to work for me, I have come to terms with that. So I am doing a taper. It is very hard. One thing that is nice about it, is there are really no cravings. I am not craving opiates as much as I am craving anything that will make this depression go away. Since I have learned that opiates can not do that for me long term, I am excited to get off the opiates so I can try some new methods, like a complete lifestyle change of diet, exercise, therapy etc. I am craving this to be over so I can look into whatever last resort options there are for me, from meds to ect to magnets to diet to whatever it takes, I am going to give it one last try to be normal. Not happy, not sad, but a normal human being able to experience all the emotions of being alive.

I think the point here is I can't get off these soon enough, and it bums me out that I have to take the slow and hard road of self tapering versus something more manageable.

Clod turkey is not an option. I remember what day 2 of sub preparation was like. And that was with the apparent relief of subs right around the corner. It was only knowing relief was on it's way that I was able to handle that level of pain. Right now, I take it a step at a time, and once a week, jump down as much as I possibly can, usually on weekends, in hopes that I can be somewhat productive during the week.

All my old phobias are back, I can't work, drive, socialize, or otherwise be a human being. I am lost, and I know this post is a rambling mess, but I have no where else to post to. I don't even know if my mood will continue to be good enough to keep posting.

I find so much comfort in hearing from others who have been there, knowing I am not alone, when in reality I am truly alone in this world, can be a hugely beneficial thing to me.

Does anyone know what I mean?