Divorce because of Addiction?

[APeabody]

I've only just admitted to having an addiction. Two days ago. I kept pretending I didn't. I'd had one black out about 6 months ago and I just brushed it off. I got really drunk about a year ago and cheated on my boyfriend and narrowly avoided getting an std.

My boy friend and I had been apart for a year, I was angry at him for going away for so long. Its not an excuse but it was how I felt at the time, and I allowed myself to drink 13 drinks in about 3 hours and the friend I was with encouraged me to go at it and so it was just an all around bad situation.

Since then, my boyfriend proposed and I said yes. I did love him. Or at least I was sure I did. Now, I don't know. I don't know if I married him because it was simply just something I felt I should do. He didn't know I'd become a heavy drinker because we'd been apart so much. And now he is confronted with my addiction. (i was sober for a month but then began dabbling in Oxycondon) Luckily I stopped that. . . but resumed drinking.

We've been married three months. He's happy when I'm not drinking. . . I'm unhappy a lot. And he says if I loved him I would stop drinking. How do I deal with this. One I'm not sure I am in love with him and two, how do I explain that it isn't that simple?

My father was a recovered alcoholic of 14 years. He died a few years ago, and I so wish he was here to give me advice.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't know because in my experience, I can't promise I won't ******** up again. I don't want to. I really don't, but I know that we can't know what we'll do tomorrow. And I'm tired of feeling like a dog, crawling back to apologize. I know I'm hurting him very badly, and that my behavior is very self destructive, but I want to be honest about how I feel. I'm tired of lying, of feeling guilty, of feeling like a bad child. Its situations that I've created but its so hard to stop.

All this I know is a muddle and I'm pouring myself out here, so I apologize if its a mess.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings.

[Melissa B]

I feel really bad that I don't know what to tell you about the drinking, but i had to comment on how your story sounds so familiar. I guess the drug of choice doesn't really matter, it's all addiction. We all feel that utter despair and we don't know how to fix it. At some point, if were lucky, we figure it out. You'll know when your ready. I can literally feel your depair. I hope you choose to feel life again. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Peace.

[Catrina]

Dear APeabody,

Boy. Mel is right--an addiction is an addiction, whether it be heroin, alcohol, or food. The ease in which one can become clean may vary depending on the abused substance, but the thought process is the same. The journey of staying clean is the same.

Time for some inner reflection and time to have an honest chat with yourself. Step one is to figure out if you want to get sober. Step two is to figure out for whom you want to become sober. If the answer to step two is not YOU...well I think you know what that means.

Along with addiction does come despair. Miraculously enough, even we addicts see what our addiction is doing to those we love. We hate it, but not as much as we love our drug. Usually the last one we're thinking of when we are actively using is what we are doing to ourselves. Time to think of you now. One of the most important keys to getting clean is to be sure you're doing it for YOU. In staying clean, it's the most important key.

Think about this, my friend. When you're ready to get sober for you, not for your husband, not because you've made mistakes, and especially not because you think it's going to make your life all better--when you're ready, and I really do hope that you decide it's right now, then come back to this forum and read and post. You will find amazing support. In addition, get whatever support you can whereever you can. Formal meetings, a minister, a trusted friend...start somewhere. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Promise.

Peace,

Cat

[ppi121]

Peabody
Cat has it down. I was going to respond to you exactly the same way. The dispair comes from letting go what we thought was our best friend, whatever we are addicted to. You have to do this for YOU. Please believe me when I say we have ALL left a path of destruction behind us. We start rebuilding on the first day of working to letting go of our demons. It truly makes no difference at all over what it is!! If your spouse can help, it may very well make both of you stroger, if not, find a trusted friend like Cat referred to.
We all will be here when you start. No judgements, no lectures...just as much support as we can give.

T

[APeabody]

Thanks to each of you. For identifying with my feelings, for giving it to me straight, and for encouraging me to find more help without judging me.

I can't even tell you how much the lack of judgement helps. I was always the perfect child. Best everything and now? God, it just feels so bad. And it is despair. But I do want to stop and for me. Not for anybody else. I'm tired of guilt and running.

The thing is my husband is so supportive in everything else, but its so hard for him to understand addiction. He said at some point everyone was an alcoholic and they just stopped. Well, yes we all have to stop if we want to recover, but he doesn't understand that its a serious addiction and just stopping is so much harder than it sounds.

But my best friend (wine) is a "frenemy". Time to stop the toxic relationship. Its just the demon can be so persuasive at pulling you back, I think that's my fear. . . that I don't have the strength to stop. I pray I do. . . and I am going to try to find an AA meeting and I asked my mom to send me my dad's AA book and I plan on visiting this board a lot to keep me grounded.

Thanks
Maire (pronounced Moira)

[skins_alive]

Hi Meira!

I’ve been in AA since 1982 back when I was 30 so I’m a pretty old fart. But I can EASILY identify with you, not senile yet.
You are certainly showing many signs of alcoholism. it doesn’t help that you got one in the family but it does help that your father got the program and you also got those gene’s in you. Your husband’s scared too. The ‘If you loved me . . . ‘ is guilt and shows his fear as well. You have already heard enough and you already new what you needed to do. Git thee to a meeting. There is one near you.
The people on this forum are all support and very little judgement, but they will tell you how the cow ate the cabbage every now and then???

[Catrina]

If your husband doesn't "get" addiction and he is one of many that believe you just have to have will power and stop he simply doesn't undertand addiction. He's not alone, LOL there's not another on this site, trust me, that hasn't had one or more people in their lives that think that exact way. I was a bit older when I started my affair with opiates and I am now ashamed to say that there was a time that my beliefs ran along those lines too.

One of the best experiences we had as a family was to attend a rehab facility for a week of seminars at which both the physiological and physcological aspects of addiction were addressed. My ex-husband was one of those who just didn't get our inability to turn our backs on our addiction. He still struggles but at least now when I remind him of what he learned, he will take pause and THINK. I guess in a very long manner, I am suggesting that you ask your husband to get educated about addiction. If he's willing (and I hope he is) he should go and speak with a therapist or an addiction specialist so that it isn't you "making excuses" but instead he'd be hearing from an authority. He can also learn how to help you. Sometimes people without understanding the disease think that "tough love" means telling you that if you wanted to you'd stop...so stop already! He means well, but if he loves you enough to see this through, he needs to learn the skills to support you. It sounds to me that he has no idea what to do to help you.

Being honest with him will help alot. Ask him to learn how to help you. I hope that all works out for you.

Peace,

Cat

[APeabody]

Thanks skins for your words

CAT!
Thank you so much. I feel like you really see my situation clearly. And I'm going to ask him to read alanon and we can do research together. He doesn't understand addiction, but he thinks he does. Its hard because he's so loving and I think you said it. . . afraid. He sees me self destructing and is at a loss because that's not the person he knew.

So, hopefully we can figure it out together and build together. I know he's really hurting too right now, and so am I. Mostly, I just need the strength to do this. I keep worrying that I am not strong enough, but I need to be.

And i'm trying to be as honest as I can with him even though its very hard for me to erase some of the saintliness he attributed to me.

Thanks.

[skins_alive]

Evening APea: I know your dispair, your love for your man and your questions of you own belief in that love. I am constantly amazed at the quality of input you get from the other poster on this site. Listen! I am gonna step out a little here but I am not used to posting in a forum so take everything I write with a grain of salt.

Go to a meeting and listen. You will hear a woman that is no bullsh*t. She may have some younger women around and maybe some old farts like me but the young studs will not go near. She will eat them. When she shares you will feel the confidence of her years of experience. Muster up some courage so that by the meetings end you can go up and ask if she knows someone that can be a sponsor or temporary sponsor. She will help.

[ARTIST658]

Dear APeabody,

There's no wonder others around us think we must be insane -- we are compelled to chase the very thing that is destroying our lives. It makes little sense to us - and even less sense to anyone who doesn't have this disease!

Here's a couple of articles that may help you (or hubby) to understand just WHY alcoholism is labelled a "disease." There actually are differences between the brains of alcoholics and the brains of "regular" drinkers. Those differences play out as a different way that alcoholics actually metabolize alcohol... we create a chemical in our brains (THIQ, short name for it) that is a key component to alcoholism. Hopefully, one of these articles may help you to understand:

http://www.addictionsearch.com/forum...thread.php?t=5
and
http://www.vernonjohns.org/nonracists/dvalcohl.html

This may be of help to your hubby, to understand that "why don't you love me enough to stop" - really isn't a such a simple thing to do. It isn't like giving up chocolate... lol... we are chemically wired to NEED the alcohol.

In the meantime, ask hubby if he would be willing to try out some Alanon meetings. There, he will hear far more about alcoholism - and be among kindred souls who also have loved ones battling this disease.

And I pray you get to AA... are you willing to do it? It is scary to do at first - we are all paralyzed by fear about entering a meeting! BUT... when you're truly desperate to turn your life around, this is the best place in the world to turn. It's next to impossible to stay sober all on our own; so many of us try, then fail... again and again. We need help, and AA is the most successful means of finding that help. AA literally saved my life.

God bless,
Ruth

[Catrina]

Dear APeabody,

Just checking in on you. I hope you're chugging along toward a brighter future. Hang in there. Come back and post so that we know how you are doing.

Peace,

Cat

[APeabody]

Hi Cat!

I'm still here and have been reading all the posts over again and am just taking it all in.

I know I need to go meetings but as Ruth says, I am freaked out about it. Still, I will. Gah. I will. And I'm going to have to find a sponsor.

After the big fight last night, My husband and I actually went out dancing. Salsa dancing of all things. We're pretty good at it and its how we met. That was nice. . . except he got trashed. Luckily, he's a happy drunk but I know he was pretty upset. I didn't drink at all, so that was good. It would have been so easy just to jump on the train. But I don't want that kind of crazy in my life anymore.

I'm definitely going to talk to my husband about research/alanon, but I'm going to wait another day to let him adjust.

You all are really keeping me sane. So thank you.

[Catrina]

Good going. You're prepping yourself and that's smart. Getting sober from my experience, doesn't work for the long haul if you jump in when it's a result of a fight, or a day of clarity when you know you have to do something. You have to think about it and prepare yourself. Just like quitting smoking, or starting a diet in a way...set your day and just do it. Smart Girl.

Keep us posted. Let us know how it goes with hubby.

Peace,

Cat

[ARTIST658]

Hi Cat!

I'm still here and have been reading all the posts over again and am just taking it all in.

I know I need to go meetings but as Ruth says, I am freaked out about it. Still, I will. Gah. I will. And I'm going to have to find a sponsor.

After the big fight last night, My husband and I actually went out dancing. Salsa dancing of all things. We're pretty good at it and its how we met. That was nice. . . except he got trashed. Luckily, he's a happy drunk but I know he was pretty upset. I didn't drink at all, so that was good. It would have been so easy just to jump on the train. But I don't want that kind of crazy in my life anymore.

I'm definitely going to talk to my husband about research/alanon, but I'm going to wait another day to let him adjust.

You all are really keeping me sane. So thank you.

Hey APeabody,

May I suggest you NOT worry yourself about sponsors and things to come at this point in time. Take it a single baby step at a time, and just try to get to a meeting. You can sit in the back and "escape" out the door quietly, if you get uncomfortable! If you make this into a monumental step, it'll be that much harder to do. Just try one or two out, see what you find... I bet you'll be surprised... but only in a good way...

Salsa dancing??? wow!! I doubt I could do that - drunk or sober! lol Good for you, getting out and having fun - yet not giving into the booze. That's a risky situation for someone new in recovery.

God bless,
Ruth

[APeabody]

Hi Ruth!

Thanks so much for giving me the advice to take things slow. That's the only way I think I can do this anyway. I'm looking for a meeting but they're all really late at night here. So, I will have to plan ahead. I find it all a bit over-whelming. I'm on my fourth day booze free which is great and my attitude is different than the last time I quit. Last time, I just wanted to drink all the time and started to plan how I could get "a drink".

Right now, I'm just trying to keep it simple and easy does it. I asked my mom for my dad's AA book and she's sending it. She's been amazing. In a way, we had a mini meeting last night. She attended alanon for almost 10 years while my dad was drinking and then when he was sober. She too had problems with Alcohol but quit on her own (sort of). I think Alanon really helped her.

So, I was able to be totally honest with her and she was incredibly understanding and gave me good advice without judging me. I'm very lucky. And she says its unfortunately no surprise as statistically as the child of an alcoholic I would most likely become one too. She also said it didn't help that my dad was a falling down drunk during my "most formative" years and learned from watching my dad that alcohol is how you deal with pain and anger.

So, I'm doing a lot of thinking if you can't tell. And I'm trying to be very honest with myself.

I really appreciate your help. So much. So very very much.